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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
Alright, I am 16, female, going to be a senior in high school. When I was in Jr. High, I created a very close relationship with a teacher of mine. Everyone likes him and everyone is around him all the time but the more I think about it, he was the nicest to me. He let me call him by his first name and nobody else. When I felt like I needed to perfect my actions to better myself in his class, he would write me a pass to go to his room. Many people thought we were secretly seeing each other because I had a near perfect average in his class even though I didn't try most of the time and due to the countless free periods I spent with him in his office. Now, you're probably going to think I am whack but I took internet 'does he like me' quizzes and each came back positive. I also go back to visit him and check on his new students to see how they are succeeding in his class and he would let me help them, almost as a mentor to help them better themselves as well. The one time I went back to visit, I was the last person to leave. I was waiting for my mom outside while he was finishing up some paper work in his office. I guess he thought I had left because when he walked out, he looked back at me and said "oh, you're still here" and I replied. He then asked very awkwardly "well.. uh, do you.. need a ride?" I declined because my mom was on her way and I didn't want more rumors flying around about us. So, he drove home. He always calls me by my full name and my friend that sometimes visits him with me (she is a current student of his) said when I visited him for the first time "he looked the happiest that he did in a looong time." He sometimes goes to my high school to watch the students he once had, the last day of school he gave us announcements for the summer and he looked so nervous but every time I realized he looked nervous, he looked directly at me, like I made him feel more at ease. We talk about my future goals and what I want to do with myself and he tells me numerous times that I am growing up to be a very mature, young lady. He compliments me as well, like my hairstyles and outfits. He also never ceases to know when I am not myself, I went to visit him one day after a terrible day at school and after all of the kids left, he didn't even ask how I was, he just said "alright, (my name) what's eating at you?" I am going on a 11 day school trip to another country. He is going to be the leader of this trip because he is the head of the department. I want to know what is going on between us before this trip so I can at least try to think of what's going to happen.
What do you think is going on? Don't answer me saying that it's disgusting, that it was wrong of me to even think about this or I need to stay away from him because I mentor his students, so I have to be near him, we are spending a week and 4 days together in another country.
Just tell me why you think he was so close to me and not everyone else? Is he attracted to me?
The Answer
He may be attracted to you - it is possible - a bit unlikely, but possible.
What is even more unlikely is that if he is attracted to you, he would risk his job, his career and going to jail in order to act on it.
A teacher in his position who ACTED on their attraction to you, would be behaving unethically and illegally. Unless he is a complete, selfish, asshole of a moron, it will never happen.
It's not disgusting, and it's perfectly fine that these things occur to us in our minds sometimes. We often had ideas that aren’t ‘good ideas’. That’s okay, it’s just important to realize what ideas are good, and which are bad.
So, what should you do?
You should assume that this teacher isn't a moron. You should assume that even if he is attracted to you on some level, he knows it would be dangerous to act on it - and that is would also be immoral. It is immoral and unethical for an older person to take advantage of their position as a teacher in a romantic way. It would make him not a just a criminal, but a lousy, selfish human being would was more interested in what he wanted, then what was fair and right for you.
You should learn to be okay with not knowing exactly what he thinks.
You should try and focus on building connections with people who are your equals in society - people you can have respectful and healthy connections with.
You are a teenager. You aren't his peer. You can't possibly be his equal in society yet, legally, or functionally. That means you can't be a respectful, healthy relationship. Respectful and healthy relationships take two people who can stand on equal ground, make decisions with equal strength and respect each other’s knowledge and experience. That doesn't always mean the same age, but it does mean people should be at simpler places in their lives, and be able to act with similar degrees of strength and power.
Nothing is ‘going on’. You have a crush. Maybe he does to (it’s unlikely, but it’s possible) but unless he an asshole and a creep, he is NEVER going to tell you.
So, enjoy the friendship, but make sure you are putting your energy into other friendships as well. This teacher is a just a mentor and friend. That is all he wants to be. That is all he can be. It’s fine to have a crush, it’s not always okay to act on it.
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The Question
What should I do? My 34 yr. old daughter has gained a substantial amt. of weight w/n the past 3+ yrs. since her job relocated her to a state on the other side of the country where we have no family and she does not make friends easily. She runs & sometimes wks out w a trainer, but she is very heavy below the waist (from sz 10 to sz 16 pants). She has gone to dr. about it & has learned that she inherited a gene (a disease) for very lg. & heavy legs. She should wear special hose, but she won't. She is a beautiful woman, but is self-conscious abt the heaviness & wears long pretty summer dresses. The problem is, in the back, she has alot of jiggly & u can c the bumps & lumps & she wears thong undies. I gingerly suggested that she wear an undergarment to smoothe. She absolutely refuses! She said she is NOT wearing a girdle! She is a classy & professional woman, but the jiggle & bumps are unattractive. We got into a big argument (screaming match) & she started crying, as though I am picking on her and she is visiting me now in Md. I am so upset and so is she. You can cut the air w a knife. She has even gone and had her seamstress line the dresses, but you can still see the lumps, bumps and jiggle. It takes so much away from her beauty, class and style. I asked her if she has seen herself w a 3 way mirror. My daughter is in denial and I do not want the world laughing at her. She's classier and smarter than that. I do not understand why she refuses to accept that she needs the smoothing that even a half slip with lycra can add.
The Answer
You need to back off.
She NEEDs to do what her doctor tells her to, it's fair for you to GENTLY remind her to take care of her health.
But other than that, you are completely in the wrong.
She is an adult and can wear what she wants. Your comments about her clothing and undergarments are unkind and must stop. You were wrong to yell at her. It is fine to share your opinion, but you have gone way to far. You have become disrespectful and cruel to your daughter. You WERE picking on her. Nagging someone over and over again and drawing attention to their flaws over and over again IS bullying them and picking on them. That is what you did and it was wrong. You should apologize.
In the future, share your opinion once, gently. Then find other things to talk about. Your daughter has a lot to offer - pay attention to that, not her body.
Your daughter is an adult, and she struggling. She will feel more open and willing to listen to you if you focus on her class and smarts - not her bumps and lumps.
It's okay to care for her and have an opinion, it is not okay to insult her. Telling an adult what to wear - over and over again - is insulting.
EDIT IN RESPONSE TO FEEDBACK
I'm glad you don't speak to your daughter the same way you wrote this question, but I, and everyone else here, only has the words you wrote here to go by and your question makes you sound EXACTLY like "a fault finding mother whose kids can do nothing right". That isn't our fault- those are the words you choose. That is how you presented yourself.
You presented yourself here as someone who didn't know how to give constructive loving advice. Your language here is full of nagging and cruelty. If I were to read this question and know it was from MY mother, I would bawl my eyes out at how hurtful it was. I would run away from her. It would cut me to the quick.
Yes, your question got misconstrued. That happened because of how and what you choose to say.
Please consider how your daughter might also misconstrue what you say because of the words you use and how you say it. It's not that you must always agree (that isn't what I suggested) it's that you must pay attention to how your words are being understood and taken. Your question here suggests that you struggle to recognize how your words impact others - you didn't notice how your words on this site would appear to the reader. That's not an unsual problem to have. We all feel that others should just understand us and what we mean, but they can't always do that. They can only listen our words. Please think carefully about the words you use with your daughter. There was nothing 'gingerly' about your question here, and I suspect that you are not being as gingerly and supportive with her as you actually want to be. I don't think you are a bad person, but I think you need to stop defending your behavoir for a moment and recongize that when our messages are misunderstood by others, that is ALWAYS at least partially our own fault. It something we have a responsibility to fix if we wish to be understood (and not seen as a monsterously rude and condesending person). You need to change the way you are sharing your message in order for it to be understood the way you wish it to be and for the love and kindness you MEAN to be sharing to shine through.
There was very little love and support in your question here, and no respect. What little bit you tried to place in here, was overrun by your nagging and insults. You can fix that, and you should.
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The Question
16/F A few days ago I had sex with a family friend. It was my first time ever having sex- not that that matters. He has been a family friend since was like 4. I know it's not exactly right but we both like each other so much and have good chemistry. He really cares about him hurting me during sex and also regrets not waiting till I'm 18, but now that we've done it, we don't want to stop. The other night was amazing and we both want to keep this up but without anyone finding out. I don't want to end this one bit but in the back of my mind I'm afraid of getting caught. But all I can think about is enjoying myself. What should I do?
The Answer
The fact that you choose not to mention here - even to a bunch of strangers - this person's age or what kind of family friend they have been, tells everyone who reads this that you already know that what you are doing is a really bad idea.
Your own intelligent mind is telling you to stop. You should to listen to your gut.
There are good ideas and there are bad ideas, and you are not an idiot. You know which is which.
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The Question
Hi, my girlfriend has her exes b-day party coming up and I don't want her to go. She says they have mutual friends which is why she is going. She also said that if it wasn't such an uncomfortable situation that I could come. But why can't I go so that I can mark my territory? He should see me and see how happy she is with me? I am scared something will happen between them because he still has feelings for her. I don't want to confront her about it because she already thinks I am insecure with our relationship but I find that she is being inconsiderate in going to this guys b-day. Please, help me in either calming me down or give me ways in which I can approach this issue with her.
The Answer
You do not need to confront yet, you need to talk a bit more, calmly and respectfully.
It's hard to speak calmly and listen carefully when you are scared and insecure, but if you care for this girl, respect her and want to be with her, that is what you need to do next.
Do NOT accuse of her still liking him. If you truly believe that, then you should simply end the relationship now.
Do NOT accuse her of caring more about his feelings than yours. That is unfair - she has been invited to HIS birthday party. She is right and fair to consider his feelings and the feelings of the others present.
Do NOT say "How would you feel if I did that?" No matter what her answer is, it will only make things worse. That question implies she is a liar and moron. If you think she is liar, or so dumb and hypocritical that she can't imagine your position - then break up with her now.
Do NOT suggest that you should be able to 'mark your territory'. That is as misogynist and inappropriate as saying you wont 'let her' go.
Instead of doing those things, which assume she is a bad person, or a stupid person, or which assume you can read her mind, and that you know better than she does when it comes to her own friends and exes, instead of all those nasty, gaming-playing insecurities, just ask her some honest respectful questions.
"Who are you worried about being uncomfortable?"
"Which mutual friends are you excited to see?"
"What about me coming makes you uncomfortable?"
"Who else do you think will be made uncomfortable?"
Blending your group of extended friends and your new boyfriend is hard and stressful and scary. Especially if your ex is still friends with many of those friends. It's even harder if you, her new boyfriend, don't know anyone else in that group. You think you are asking for a very small thing, but you are actually asking for a lot of hard work on her part and emotion effort.
That doesn't mean you are wrong to ask for it - but you need to approach this with patience and respect.
So is she being inconsiderate by going? Yes, a little bit. But that doesn't mean she is wrong to go the party.
It's okay to feel insecure sometimes! Especially in a new relationship. However, if you are feeling so insecure that you think she can't go to an exes party without you and behave herself, or so distrustful of her that you can't believe she is being honest when she tells you what she wants and feels, then you need to break up with her.
If she feels it's right and appropriate for her to go to this party and you can't handle that, that is okay! But it means that she isn't the right partner for you, and you should break up with her.
Take a deep breath and be willing to find out a bit more about what she is thinking and feeling. If you want to be with her, don't assume she is stupid or malicious or trying to deceive you. If you can't help but assume she is stupid or malicious or trying to deceive you - then that is your gut telling you to get out of the relationship fast!
But, if you ask honest questions, she may re-evaluate her opinion, but more importantly, you'll be able to better judge if it's simply a case where you two disagree, or if she is being malicious and underhanded. Most people are not stupid or out to hurt you. Most people are just trying to do what's right. When you are dating someone, you have to respect them enough to assume they are just trying to do what seems right to them.
So, stop assuming the worse. Ask some more questions and listen to the answers. Try to stay calm and listen. If you don't like what you hear, then the relationship isn't the right one for you to be in.
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The Question
Love is relationship or sex?
The Answer
Love is neither, although it sometimes includes both.
Love is a choice you make, and keep making, about the value and importance of another human being in your life.
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The Question
My child wrote all over my sofa while my babysitter was on a social network website. The sofa cannot be cleaned because it is chenille. What do I do?
The Answer
It’s not quite cut and dry:
Under the letter of the law, the baby sitter might be found responsible for the damages. But they also may not be.
You could try to take them to court over the damage - in small claims court you'd need to prove that the sitter was negligent - that they should have, at their age, maturity and experience level, known better. It is not vandalism. Vandalism is deliberate. It was damage caused by the sitter's negligence.
And you may very well loose that case, or certainly not get the whole value of the sofa awarded. If your babysitter is a young person it is very likely the judge will turn to you and say "I'm sorry - children damage furniture sometimes and you hired a young and inexperienced sitter – I only find them responsible for a portion of the cost.” Or even none at all.
That’s not uncommon, when an adult sues a minor in this sort of case, for a judge to find the minor is not solely responsible for their negligent actions, but the adults (sometimes the parents, and sometimes the employers) to be partially responsible for having hired the minor in the first place for a job that they, the adults, should have recognized the young person was not qualified for.
If the sitter openly admits to being negligent and not watching the child, then they are certainly responsible – but you would still be better, and more reasonable, to first approach the minor and their parents with the problem of the damages, then to take a minor to small claims court.
If this is an older, more experienced professional sitter, you would have a better case in court for them bearing the entire burden of the cost and a simple, straight-forward requirement for them to be responsible for the damages.
You need to take into account the sitter’s age and experience when deciding where responsibility lies – a court will consider this and so should you. There is an element of ‘you get what you pay for’. If you hired an inexpensive young kid to watch your child, they wont necessarily be held to the same standard as an adult.
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The Question
is it normal to have cramps so bad that you start throwin up. female/17
The Answer
It's not uncommon to have menstrual cramps that are strong enough to make nauseous - but just because it's normal doesn't mean you just have to live with it.
See your doctor and have a conversation with them about your options. Your period shouldn't interfere with your ability to live your life.
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The Question
17/f.
For a very long time, I have suspected that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, as I display almost all of the symptoms, and it is very common with BPD sufferers to have been abused as children. I didn't ever consider this as a possibility (as I have no recollection of being abused) until recently, when I started to think about myself, and suddenly a lot of things started coming together:
- Ever since I was very young, about 3, this weird feeling would suddenly pounce on me - it's a kind of sick feeling, and even when I was that young, I associated it with sex. I don't know why, it's not something I've ever thought through, it's just what comes into my head when I get this feeling. I used to get this more as a child than I do now, but I still get it sometimes. It's always happened more often in the morning, when I've not been awake for long, but it sometimes comes in flashes during the day/evening.
- I still get this feeling, without fail, for a long time the morning after I have been sexually intimate (or even just laid cuddling) with someone, even if it's someone I really like.
- At the age of about 6, up to about 10, I would play 'sex games' with other children, boys and girls - my cousins, in fact. I feel very ashamed looking back on this. I know other kids do this, but I get the feeling we always took it further - we pretty much went the whole way, except it wasn't really like proper sex, it's hard to describe. I remember being very sexually aroused even at that young age, and I was always the one who initiated it.
- I used to write all the time (still do), and when I was about 7, I wrote a story about a girl getting raped. It wasn't just any girl, though, it was a girl I knew from school, with whom I had a sort of friend/enemy relationship. I don't know if this has any significance.
- Also, when I was young (can't remember what age, perhaps 7-10, though I still get them sometimes now) I would have weird sexual fantasies about being sexually dominated and being made to do awful things. Which I'd expect is pretty weird for a seven year old.
- So, when I was young I was always more interested in sex than other people my age.
- Now, however, it's the other way round. I'm still very interested in sex, but I also have a fear of it. Other people my age have a very casual attitude to it and have a lot of sex, whereas I'm a virgin (at least I consider myself one, whether I have been sexually abused or not) and am very scared of sex. I have a fear of intimacy, and I am pretty much prpetually single because I can't get into the physical side of relationships. I have done, but not fully, and I get scared away afterwards.
- I (usually) like the idea of having sex with people I like, but when it almost happens, I get panicky and want to run away.
- I go through states of depression, used to self-harm, have trouble regulating my emotions, and often feel disconnected with others, which are synptoms of sexual abuse.
- I like girls too, and for a while I've been wondering if I'm gay, because these sexual problems seem to be far more exaggerated with men than women, but now I'm just wondering if my inability to be sexual with men is because perhaps that's who I was abused by.
I'm not saying it's a definite - I have no recollection of it, after all. But I have a lot of the symptoms, and it would explain why I have such a weird attitude to sex and intimacy. This attitude has been a massive problem for me for years, and has got in the way of many relationships.
And, if it does sound like I've been abused, what should I do about it? I feel like if I spoke to anyone, they'd think I was just exaggerating or creating stuff in my head.
The Answer
If you have no recollection of abuse, it is incredibly unlikely that any took place. Repressed memories are horribly uncommon and they do not actually exist the way that TV and movies suggest they do. Although childhood memories are very different in how they exist in the brain than adult memories, generally speaking, people are more likely to recall trauma, then to forget it.
There is a culture of mental health right now that leads people to believe that all of their issues, and dilemmas and stresses have REASONS, and that’s a load of shit. A lot of us don’t have reasons or traumas that lead to our mental health issues, we just have the issues. Although it’s true that people who experience trauma or abuse are more likely to develop mental health issues - the majority of people who actually suffer from mental illnesses or disorders are NOT abuse survivors.
You are right that you have massive difficulties and you should be speaking to someone about them. You are right that some people - like me - will believe it very unlikely that you were abused - but that doesn’t mean you can’t be helped! That doesn’t mean you can’t talk about and learn to address and deal with your struggles and conflicts in relationships as a young adult. That doesn’t mean you can’t talk about your past and what you do recall and how it affects you. Please don’t think you only deserve help if you are victim of abuse! Don’t think you can only be helped if there is a trauma reason for your illness! That’s not the case.
Just because there isn’t a REASON doesn’t mean there isn’t any SOLUTION. Mental health isn't a game of addition and subtraction, were you added abuse so you got ill and a doctor can take it out and you'll get better. It doesn't work like that. There are lots of possible solutions and techniques for people who suffered abuse and people who didn’t, some of them might work for you and some might not, but you don’t go to a therapist just to talk about your dreams and your childhood - you go to a therapist to help you handle your future and improve your day to day life.
Don’t get so caught up in the things that aren’t knowable or that you can’t remember that your neglect the things you can do today to start making your life better. Talk to a therapist, not just about your past, but how to move forward. If you end up with a therapist who only wants to talk about your childhood and your dreams - go find someone else with a more practical approach.
You can get help without ‘getting to the bottom’ of some past traumic event. Don’t look for an easy answer to why you are this way - the solutions are always hard no matter what the reasons. Start looking for the solutions.
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The Question
I'm an Australian. I'm going over to Vancouver next year and my Canadian friends are planning a road trip through America. This is my first time going overseas! Will I be let in at the US border? Or is there something I need to organise before I leave Australia?
Thanks heaps guys! :)
The Answer
As an Australian, you need additional permission to enter the US.
Canada and Mexico have a special agreement with the United States that allows their passport holders to enter the US without a Visa - so your Canadian friends just flash their passports and sail through - they might not realize that you won’t be able to do it quite that easily. Unless you have a passport from Canada or Mexico, you need to get an additional permission from the government of the states.
Which is not a big deal. It's really easy to get.
Since you are an Australian citizen, you don't even need a full Visa. As long as you'll be in the states for less than 90 days, you can apply online.
http://www.visabureau.com/america/tourist-visa.aspx
Read it carefully. I'm quite certain I'm correct, but you should double-check.
Also, take any documentation about your visit to Canada with you to make sure you can get back into Canada at the end of the road trip!
It’s not that stressful - thousands of Canadians and Americans cross that boarder - some of them do it every day on their way to work - you should totally go. Just make sure you’ve got your ducks in a row before you do.
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The Question
I looked for how to get a bigger butt on yahoo answers but it was a bunch of stupid answers and people making fun of the people that asked for help. So I am asking here cause my friedn says this site is way better than yahoo answers cause people really try to help you and not make fun of you. Can you help me get a bigger butt? Mine is really tiny-tiny and I look like a little boy because of that. :'(
The Answer
This site is way better - unfortunately, you can't really 'get a bigger butt'.
You can gain weight, some of which will make your butt bigger. And you can build up the muscles in your thighs and butt with lunges and squats and running or swimming which *might* make your butt look a little bigger - but it also might not - everyone's body is different.
There is no magic food or pill that will give you a bigger butt. There is only more muscles or more fat (or plastic surgery I suppose).
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The Question
I'm just wondering, is it against the law to hit a girl? Because there is this girl in my class who i wanna smack, would i get in trouble? If it helps i live in Ontario, Canada. Thanks
The Answer
Hitting someone is assualt, physical assualt, and it is a crime, in all of Canada, and most other sane places.
Touching someone without thier consent is never okay. Touching with the intent to harm them is almost always criminal.
Don't hit people - the law doesn't care if they are girl people or boy people or people with gender! You don't have the right under the law to smack people. Seriously - Why on earth would you think you do?
Your school and the girl and her parents may choose to handle it within the school, and not press charges agianst you, but it's still assualt.
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The Question
my boy and have a 1 year old daughter.he has been a complete dead beat, jobless and abusive for the last year and a half. I threw him out 5 days ago. after months of wanting to. Now, I am lonely after my daughter goes to bed. He is texting me alllllllll night telling me how bad he fucked up his life. Hes gonna change. I said prove it. He isnt welcome at my house so dont worry about that. But my question is if he keeps this job he is starting on monday and gets his act sober and together....should I un-break up with him....? Not let him move in, just keep a relationship. And see how it goes. I did love him dearly before he fell into his depression. I still love him. But how do I know if the abusive tendencies will go away. How do I know if he will keep his job. But what if he does become the man i know he is deeeep down, I would be an idiot to pass it up. I dont know, I told him I would re evaluate on tuesday....but i just dont know what i want to do. 50% of me wants to maintain a distant relationship and 50% of me doesnt wanna believe him and just wants to give up. We have been together for almost 4 years. I feel like everyone is telling me what to do, he is telling me im putting on a show for everyone and that i want to be with him and everyone else is telling me i need to stay away. this confliction is going to make me go crazy i just want to know what the right thing for my daughter and i is.
The Answer
The right thing for your daughter is for you to remain strong - and single.
You are still clinging to childish fantasies - What if he changes? What if my love magically turns him into a prince in fairytale story? What if we win the lottery? What if he falls for some else and treats them like a queen and never beats them or hates them like he does me?
These are normal fantasies and fears - but they are also complete bullshit.
It's not going to happen like that. Even IF - and it's a big, hugely unlikely if - he changes, keeps this job and ends his abuse, you cannot gamble your child's safely and happiness on that. ‘What if’ is NOT good enough. You certainly cannot make that gamble on TUESDAY.
You need to wait a year, at least, before you reconsider a relationship with him. He needs to spend a year - at least - not abusing you as the mother of his child, not disrespecting you or your family, and supporting his child as a decent father and human being.
A year - AT LEAST - before you should even consider considering dating him again.
And you need that year, at least, to get over these illusions of romance you still have, or you are going to fall in with another abusive asshole - maybe him, maybe not him - but you need to work on yourself so you don’t accept the kind of life that you were accepting for the last year. You need a year of demanding that no one abuse you or endanger your daughter. You need a year to empower yourself, to learn to be a mom and to be in charge of your own life without tip-toeing around some selfish little man-child’s anger and stupidity. You need a year of planning and of smiling and of self -confidence. You need a year of being a mom and human being - not a punching bag.
Remember you are still in the early stages of this break up - all break ups hurt this bad at first. It's only with time can we begin to see clearly. You need to give yourself that time.
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The Question
my boss n me was in a relation few days back.
but now we hv some problems in our relation,he is already married n having 3 kids.
i accepted him the way he is,but he can't able 2 accept the way i m.m a very fun loving n friendly nature girl n hv many guys as my friends.but not as my boyfriends....
n he has a bad habit to use others shoulders to fight n saving himself n showing his back to tht people who respect him the most. he has a friend who suggest him 2 behave rude with me n not to talk to me...his friend is also working with me n behaving rude with me.n thy r insulting me everyday.
now a days my boss is avoiding me,n nt answering my calls n sms. suggest me wht 2 do??
The Answer
Start looking for another job.
Inform your boss that if he doesn't give you a good reference, you'll expose his cheating ways and complain labor board that he contributed to a hostile and abusive work place by allowing others at work to know of the affair and abuse you because of it.
You didn't have a relationship with this man - you had an affair with a controlling ass. Be grateful that it is over. Move on with your life. Try to avoid these situations in the future altogether - they always cause drama and they make you look selfish and silly. It IS selfish and silly to think this was going to end any other way but like this: badly with hurt feelings and resentment and you looking for a new place to work.
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The Question
A cretic came to my school for career day. And i wasnt really payin attension but now im curious. those jobs seem like the easiest and the coolest jobs ever! Are they rich?
The Answer
The few successful ones make a decent living - but most are struggling to be employed and to make a name for themselves. Too many people are willing to blog their reviews for free - paid critics are few and far between and they are often journalists or writers who stumble into criticism as a side job.
So to answer your question: Yes. Most of them have have journalism degrees or English degrees and many of them also have professional experience in the field they are a critic of. Some of the highly paid ones are likely to have masters degrees in their fields as well - that's part of what qualifies them to have their comments taken seriously.
It is a cool job - but it is not an easy one. The pay in minimal, the work takes place during your evenings and weekends mostly, and you are always going to annoy someone.
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The Question
Web Design and Computer Technology,Television Productions or Psychology?
Also which one of those do you feel is the most realistic when it comes to actually getting a job that deals with them.
I was also thinking about Theology and Philosophy but I feel like both of those are very iffy and can't be put into a real career (or at least one that's easy to get).
I originally thought Web Design and Computer Technology would be the best choice but now theirs so much competition in that field that I feel like it's useless to continue taking those classes when I get out of High School.
The Answer
With a few notable exceptions (fields of work that require a huge amount of innate talent or luck like being a poet, or being an investment banker) the job that will pay YOU the most money is nearly always the job which YOU have an aptitude for and interest in.
All fields are competitive. If you want a non-competitive career, become a cashier at a grocery store.
If you want to make money, take stock of your skills and interests, and follow them along rational lines.
The categories you've suggested here are still far to broad for anyone to give you much advice on. A successful modern philosopher and theologians might make millions in book sales - a lousy TV employee might never do any more than make a decent living editing infomercials! A good graphic designer might own their own firm. A lousy one might make band posters and websites for aging punk bands for the rest of their life.
It's good to have goals, and be interested in certain kinds of lifestyles - but when chasing what you want, the first thing to consider is who you are. In today's economy finding a 'real career' is more about creating a real career, then it is about exactly what you studied. There are very few fields of study that are still 'sure things'. Dentistry and Plumbing and a few other cases where you can have a damn good chance at work and knowing rather clearly what your salary will be in 5 years, 10 years and 20 years time. For everybody else, there is drive, aptitude and competition.
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The Question
Hi, here is the story..
Im a guy, 15, let's call me..Jake, and this involves a girl, 15, we'll call her Jessica and her boyfriend/ex John.
Jessica is out of a relationship with John. Their relationship had gone down in flames since she cheated with Jake, but then felt guilty and resented it, the relationship was never the same. Our friendship needed repair and then John and Jessica broke up. I had always liked her and was the best friend there for her to cry on, but the situation was getting worse. I would later find out that even after they broke up they still kissed and did "other stuff" in secret. He grew to be possesive and wanted her to stay away from me, understandable, but we didnt want to stay away from each other. He would abuse her for months, push her around literally, pressure her, always guilt her, and because of what happened she felt she owed something to him or that it was her fault. During spring break Jessica and Jake would start to like each other romantically but there was still John. One day it reached a boiling point and he pushed her down, squeezed her temples, chased her, and threatened her. She called me crying and we went to the counselor and told Jessica's parents. They had to keep John away from her, she felt scared but at the same time she still felt an affinity for her first love, she felt bad and continued to talk to him over facebook and her feelings were not subsiding while her feelings for me were still growing, she was caught between two worlds. Me and her rushed into a relationship, way too quickly before she was fully over him, and ready to start another relationship. I talked with her and she said she wanted to be with me, so she took everything that reminded her of him and deleted it, got rid of it, unfriended him, deleted his contact and agreed to ignore his messages. As for our relationship we agree that we did start up too quickly and that, we dont want commitment after the past year of drama neither of us do but we want to still flirt, cuddle, kiss, etc. without definite commitment and she wants time to let the past move on. I agreed and she will remove her relationship status on facebook once school is over and over the summer we will spend it with each other and sort of build on what we have and just have fun, actually have a conversation that dosent have to do with John or with relationships we wanna enjoy each other, and not to worry about commitment, we can think about it later. Am i doing the right thing? Do you think it will work? I know Ive accepted someone with alot of issues but she's worth the world to me, and we've been best friends since day one (approx. 2 years of being best friends) and we agree that even if this never works we will always be best friends. So, please help me, do you think the summer alone with each other will help?
The Answer
Probably not.
This is probably a bad idea.
You are probably both going to get hurt. This is probably still not a good or healthy situation for either of you. There is probably too great a degree of damage done and resentment pain and disrespect between you for a romantic relationship to survive.
And you probably know that.
And you are probably gonna do it anyways, 'cause the heart wants what it wants. And the heart can be really stupid.
There is no excuse for John's physical abuse - his behaviour was completely and abhorrently wrong. But just because he is completely and abhorrently wrong, doesn't mean you and Jessica didn't make mistakes and behave badly. You did. You made a lot mistakes. Everyone was mean to everyone else. Everyone behaved dishonestly and selfishly. Everyone led everyone else on. Everyone accepted emotional abuse and grew resentful and scarred. Everyone behaved manipulatively during this period of drama.
And you are STILL rushing into this with talking about any commitments or boundaries and that is a BAD idea. It is very likely to lead you down the same drama-filed road as before. John might not be around, but it's the same deal between the two of you.
If you are going to try and make it work in a few weeks when school stops, then don’t be wishy-washy and uncommitted about it. You want to be together. Be together. For real. Commit to each other and to working on the relationship, and if it fails, then it fails, but at least it won’t drag on forever in this drama-filled gray zone of maybe/maybenot that you are both so used too. The trouble with 'worrying about commitment later' is that you might end up worrying about it after one of you has started to develop feelings - or making out - with someone else.
If she isn’t ready to be with you, actually to be committed and in a relationship with you, then you need to be JUST her friend, until she is - if she ever is. You guys have done the ‘wait and see’. You know who the other is and should have idea of if you are compatible or not. Now is your chance, if you want it, to take the shoot. If you don’t want to take that chance then don’t, but don’t drag it out any longer. You are already in a situation where the drama and the resentment and confusion threaten to crush you - don’t add to it. Either do it, or do not do it. No more living in the grays. No more ‘uncommitted’. That is your path to less drama: Commit to learning how to be together romantically, or don’t.
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The Question
My mom is pretty religious and as always taught us not to have sex until we are married. I understand and respect her views and agree with them to an extent. Because of this up bringing sex has always been a taboo subject in my house. I can't even talk about it with my sister, and it has cause relationship problems with my mom. My sister is 23 and I am 21. Anyway she still just can't accept that my sister or I would ever do something of that nature. My mom recently found out my sisters boyfriends parents let them sleep in the same bed and she cried. I just don't understand why she just can't accept these things. We are old enough to make our own decisions. We are both in long and serious relationships. I understand she doesn't agree with that stuff, which is fine, I just really do not understand why she feels soo strongly against us choosing to do so and why she cant get over it. I'm not asking her to agreed with it, just accept it...
The Answer
Hon, if she isn't trying to forbid you, or lock you a tower, or punish you for these adult choice, then she has accepted it - it just hurts her anyway. I'm not sure what you mean by 'can't get over it'. If she is still mooping about weeks later then she needs to be told that isn't respectful or kind, but 'accepting' doesn't mean being happy about it. Or allowing things she doesn't like in her own home. It doesnt' sound like she was surprised by your sister's choice, just that it upset her.
As a young adult, you have to let your parent have negative feelings WITHOUT them affecting what you know is right and wrong. Your mother's crying is unpleasant for you and your sister, but it's irrelevant. Part of being an adult and making your own decisions, is not apologizing for them.
You need to be able to accpet your mother's unhappiness, just the way she has to accept that you don't agree with her.
It's a tough thing to talk about, and you can try and speak with her if you'd like. But unless she is being unkind or unfairly restrictive of your adult life, you might just have to accept her as she is, and let her have her unhappiness for a while.
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The Question
Hey so you know how when people get really high they get all philosiphical and shit? Well when i get high im just super out of it and lost in the world.Im a pre good smoker and i get good weed so is there something wrong with how i react to weed?
The Answer
Yeah, people who think they are 'really philosophical and shit' are jerks. The people are around them are just too high to notice. They think they sound deep and smart when they are high - no one actually does. They just sound stoned.
There is nothing wrong with you. Drugs affect everyone differently, and a lot of people just ‘imagine’ certain things like alcohol and weed SHOULD affect them a certain why (like, make them very slutty, or make them really ‘philosophical’) so they just act that way because they think they are supposed to do that while drunk, or stoned.
Just because you don't pretend you are some sort of brilliant philosopher while high doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you - it just means you are less likely to be a complete moron.
Also, people I knew who were 'pretty good smokers' in thier teens, are completely useless adults. Keep your habit in firm check and be willing to grow out of it, or you risk seriously stunted your life.
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The Question
Well, he is on his way out. yesterday we got in an argument over money....my bank is neg 116, and i had 100 on me that i wanted to put in my bank.....he said that makes me so dumb bc we need to pay our phone bill, i said wed be fine til friday, he kept turning up his music when I tried to talk, I told him, do it one more time and I am shutting the damn thing off....he did it, i shut it off. He threw a frisbee golf disc very hard and it just missed me, I ran to grab my daughter and leave....infront of my daughter he threw me into the stairs bruising my neck, scraping my arm and spraining my pinky. it is purple and hard to move but it isnt broken. He kept trying to talk about it yesterday I kept telling him to get the fuck out im over it. I let him sleep downstairs last night but sent him a detailed message today letting him know he has to leave today or I have no choice but to involve police & family. I told him that i will have full custody until my daughter is no longer scared of him and I can trust that he will take good care of her. Until then, I want child support and he can have supervised visitation.
Thank you everyone for your support.
The Answer
Congratulations!
And good luck.
Do yourself a favour - tell your family right away. Don't wait for him to respond or behave even worse. Make sure your immediate family knows what is going on so he can't get to them and twist the facts or beg for sympathy. Even if you only tell them "He has crossed the line and physically assualted me and I have asked him to leave. Please support my decision and respect this choice." it will help them know how to respond to him if he does or says stupid things to them.
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The Question
I'm 22/f - boyfriend is 24
I was in the U.S. and my bf was with me there. About a week ago, I left and traveled to visit my family about 7000 miles away from him. I will go back to him in 2 months. A couple of days ago he told me that he feels left and unloved because I left to go on this family vacation thing.
But here's the thing:
1. He encouraged me to go on a vacation and spend it with my family.
2. He's making no effort to Skype with me.
3. He's making me feel very bad for wanting to spend time with my family.
Some have told me that he's just missing me and this is the early difficult stage where he misses my presence next to him, my hand in his, etc. What do you think? I am ready to give more info if needed.
Thanks for your time!
The Answer
Your boyfriend is being childish.
Encouraging you to go, but now making no effort to Skype and complaining violently about you going, is a form of emotional bullying. It is not nice, or kind, or fair.
Now, that doesn't mean he is an evil, horrible person. You may, if you know him well and trust him deeply, want to give him some time to deal with the separation and come around. To see if this is just an extreme reaction to the sudden change. However, if his attempts to 'punish you' by withholding contact and claiming you don't love him don't stop in the very near future, then you need to tell him firmly that he is out of line.
Of course he should be able to share his feelings with you, but sharing your feelings is not the same as as telling your girlfriend that she is responsible for your feelings.
You are not responsible for his emotions - he is.
Although being upset is understandable - withholding contact and attempting to punish you for taking a 2-month trip is not acceptable behaviour. Your relationship is unlikely to survive if he can’t find healthier ways to deal with the separation.
It is possible, that that is what he really wants: He might want out of the relationship, and this is just a convenient excuse.
It's up to you how much you are willing to accept and be understanding of, but please do not be afraid of getting quite firm and remind him that although you love him and he is very important, he is not the only important thing in your life, and it is unfair for him to demand to be or to punish you in the moments when you have other priorities.
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