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Should I be upset that she is goign to her exes B-day party?
Hi, my girlfriend has her exes b-day party coming up and I don't want her to go. She says they have mutual friends which is why she is going. She also said that if it wasn't such an uncomfortable situation that I could come. But why can't I go so that I can mark my territory? He should see me and see how happy she is with me? I am scared something will happen between them because he still has feelings for her. I don't want to confront her about it because she already thinks I am insecure with our relationship but I find that she is being inconsiderate in going to this guys b-day. Please, help me in either calming me down or give me ways in which I can approach this issue with her.
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I wouldnt think of her as your territory becasue that could make her feel like she is your property and that could make her feel like a ho and another you need to tell her that you would like to go and that you love to meet him and be his friend to because that would give her peace and make her think ur just being nice
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She is not your territory.
As to the rest...
I'm married. If my wife wanted to do what your girlfriend is doing she wouldn't tell me I couldn't come. I probably wouldn't want to, either. But then, I trust her. If an ex started coming onto her she'd slap him. I've seen it happen, and I'm not in any way insecure. If she wanted to go alone I'd let her. If she wanted me to come I'd come. If she didn't care, depends on my mood.
You aren't in my relationship. Wondering is driving you nuts. You're young, you're inexperienced, and your relationship probably hasn't existed for very long. You don't have my security that the girl you're with will give a harsh rejection to someone who comes onto her inappropriately.
You have two real choices here. Trust her, or don't. If not, the end point is obvious, you break up. If so, talk to her. You are insecure, so admit it. You've got a valid reason here. Being told you can't come is not the same as being asked if you mind if she goes alone, is not the same at all as it being fine. Why can't you come? I think whatever happens you kinda deserve a detailed answer to that.
Don't accuse. Don't get worked up. Don't get angry or upset or hurt. Just ask, hear what she has to say, decide if this is working for you.
Trust me, the straightforward, adultish approach of honesty and a clean break if needed will save you alot of pain int he long run. She isn't being inconsiderate by wanting to go, even by wanting to go alone.
But in the relationship you're in right now, there's nothing really wrong with you not being OK with that. You haven't been there long enough for the trust to be there. She has every right to expect the trust if it's innocent and you have every right to be worried that it's not innocent.
But that means there's a big gap between the relationship and trust she wants and what you're ok with.
People call things like this dealbreakers for a reason.
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You do not need to confront yet, you need to talk a bit more, calmly and respectfully.
It's hard to speak calmly and listen carefully when you are scared and insecure, but if you care for this girl, respect her and want to be with her, that is what you need to do next.
Do NOT accuse of her still liking him. If you truly believe that, then you should simply end the relationship now.
Do NOT accuse her of caring more about his feelings than yours. That is unfair - she has been invited to HIS birthday party. She is right and fair to consider his feelings and the feelings of the others present.
Do NOT say "How would you feel if I did that?" No matter what her answer is, it will only make things worse. That question implies she is a liar and moron. If you think she is liar, or so dumb and hypocritical that she can't imagine your position - then break up with her now.
Do NOT suggest that you should be able to 'mark your territory'. That is as misogynist and inappropriate as saying you wont 'let her' go.
Instead of doing those things, which assume she is a bad person, or a stupid person, or which assume you can read her mind, and that you know better than she does when it comes to her own friends and exes, instead of all those nasty, gaming-playing insecurities, just ask her some honest respectful questions.
"Who are you worried about being uncomfortable?"
"Which mutual friends are you excited to see?"
"What about me coming makes you uncomfortable?"
"Who else do you think will be made uncomfortable?"
Blending your group of extended friends and your new boyfriend is hard and stressful and scary. Especially if your ex is still friends with many of those friends. It's even harder if you, her new boyfriend, don't know anyone else in that group. You think you are asking for a very small thing, but you are actually asking for a lot of hard work on her part and emotion effort.
That doesn't mean you are wrong to ask for it - but you need to approach this with patience and respect.
So is she being inconsiderate by going? Yes, a little bit. But that doesn't mean she is wrong to go the party.
It's okay to feel insecure sometimes! Especially in a new relationship. However, if you are feeling so insecure that you think she can't go to an exes party without you and behave herself, or so distrustful of her that you can't believe she is being honest when she tells you what she wants and feels, then you need to break up with her.
If she feels it's right and appropriate for her to go to this party and you can't handle that, that is okay! But it means that she isn't the right partner for you, and you should break up with her.
Take a deep breath and be willing to find out a bit more about what she is thinking and feeling. If you want to be with her, don't assume she is stupid or malicious or trying to deceive you. If you can't help but assume she is stupid or malicious or trying to deceive you - then that is your gut telling you to get out of the relationship fast!
But, if you ask honest questions, she may re-evaluate her opinion, but more importantly, you'll be able to better judge if it's simply a case where you two disagree, or if she is being malicious and underhanded. Most people are not stupid or out to hurt you. Most people are just trying to do what's right. When you are dating someone, you have to respect them enough to assume they are just trying to do what seems right to them.
So, stop assuming the worse. Ask some more questions and listen to the answers. Try to stay calm and listen. If you don't like what you hear, then the relationship isn't the right one for you to be in.
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Hi there,
You know, it does seem odd to me that she wouldn't take you. That is really the issue here.
If she wants to go to her ex's birthday party, that is fine. Maybe they are still friends, maybe something else, but if you go and see them together, you will know where you stand right away.
Her wanting to go alone... well, that sets off every alarm bell I have. There is ZERO reason for this if you two are firmly in a relationship together.
I would love to calm you down about this, but, frankly, I don't think you should be overly calm about it. Of course you should approach the whole thing in a calm collected manner, but as far as just calmly letting slide by, I think that would be a mistake.
Now, you mention that she already thinks you are insecure in this relationship... why is that? Has she done other extremely suspicious things like this? If so, I think you SHOULD be insecure in the relationship.
Being insecure in a relationship is ONLY a bad thing if you have no reason to be insecure. If you are secure in an insecure situation, that makes you one of two things: in denial, or stupid.
Ok, so what do you do about this? Well, here is my thinking: You will have to talk with her about this. I would approach it from the angle mentioned here: "Why is it that you don't want your ex to see you with me? That seems weird to me. You say it would be uncomfortable... for who? If I am comfortable with going, then you can only be talking about your own feelings or those of your ex. If YOU are uncomfortable with me being there, then I think we should end this relationship now, since there s only one reason for you to feel that way, that I know of: You want him back someday. If you are concerned with HIS feelings... why? You said you were only going for your mutual friends. If you are so worried about his feelings, then... why?"
Something along those lines.
You have a reason to be concerned here.
One thing you MUST do: Turn it around and give her no choice but to see this from your point of view:
"If I was going to a party for a girl I used to have sex with, and I told you that I didn't want you there, because it would make things uncomfortable... what would YOU think? Would you be ok with me going to her party by myself?"
If she says she would be fine with it... well, she is lying. ;-)
I do not think you should try to stop her from going. I think you should be invited as well, since you two are a couple. If she wants to go by herself, then do NOT make any effort to stop her... just find yourself a new girl, because this one is going to be trouble.
If she can't see this from your point of view, then she is either selfish, vicious or stupid. Any of these make for bad futures with her.
I am hoping that when you put her in your shoes and ask her how she would feel, the light bulb comes on and she goes: "Oh my! I never thought of it like that!"
That is the best outcome possible here. Trust me. If she doesn't go, she will hold this against you.
With you or without you, you should let her go... but if it is without you, then that ought to be the end of the relationship.
If she goes alone, and you don't dump her, you will come to regret it.
Good luck. I know these are hard choices, but with someone you can't trust, there is no future... been there, done that.
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If he is an ex, Then there really is no need for her to go at all. Even under the circumstances of having mutual friends at the party. These friends can contact her and see her any other time. If it is going to be an uncomfortable situation then you would think she would want you to go to ease the tension.
Talk to her, Express that you feel the relationship between her and her ex is over and she needs to start seeing that. Frankly, It sounds awfully odd that she would want to go to a party that is for her ex. He may still have feelings for her but something also says maybe she feels the same way and just will not admit it. If she is completely over it, Again there should be no need to be in contact with her ex. Exes cause drama and problems, Even if the two come to a mutual understanding and decide to remain friends. Unless the two have children she should have no need to inform her exes into your lives. You are her boyfriend, She is with you now. If she keeps this up I would either tell her it's him or you. I don't play games like that.
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