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Do you think it'll work out? Am I doing the right thing?
Hi, here is the story..
Im a guy, 15, let's call me..Jake, and this involves a girl, 15, we'll call her Jessica and her boyfriend/ex John.
Jessica is out of a relationship with John. Their relationship had gone down in flames since she cheated with Jake, but then felt guilty and resented it, the relationship was never the same. Our friendship needed repair and then John and Jessica broke up. I had always liked her and was the best friend there for her to cry on, but the situation was getting worse. I would later find out that even after they broke up they still kissed and did "other stuff" in secret. He grew to be possesive and wanted her to stay away from me, understandable, but we didnt want to stay away from each other. He would abuse her for months, push her around literally, pressure her, always guilt her, and because of what happened she felt she owed something to him or that it was her fault. During spring break Jessica and Jake would start to like each other romantically but there was still John. One day it reached a boiling point and he pushed her down, squeezed her temples, chased her, and threatened her. She called me crying and we went to the counselor and told Jessica's parents. They had to keep John away from her, she felt scared but at the same time she still felt an affinity for her first love, she felt bad and continued to talk to him over facebook and her feelings were not subsiding while her feelings for me were still growing, she was caught between two worlds. Me and her rushed into a relationship, way too quickly before she was fully over him, and ready to start another relationship. I talked with her and she said she wanted to be with me, so she took everything that reminded her of him and deleted it, got rid of it, unfriended him, deleted his contact and agreed to ignore his messages. As for our relationship we agree that we did start up too quickly and that, we dont want commitment after the past year of drama neither of us do but we want to still flirt, cuddle, kiss, etc. without definite commitment and she wants time to let the past move on. I agreed and she will remove her relationship status on facebook once school is over and over the summer we will spend it with each other and sort of build on what we have and just have fun, actually have a conversation that dosent have to do with John or with relationships we wanna enjoy each other, and not to worry about commitment, we can think about it later. Am i doing the right thing? Do you think it will work? I know Ive accepted someone with alot of issues but she's worth the world to me, and we've been best friends since day one (approx. 2 years of being best friends) and we agree that even if this never works we will always be best friends. So, please help me, do you think the summer alone with each other will help?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Probably not.
This is probably a bad idea.
You are probably both going to get hurt. This is probably still not a good or healthy situation for either of you. There is probably too great a degree of damage done and resentment pain and disrespect between you for a romantic relationship to survive.
And you probably know that.
And you are probably gonna do it anyways, 'cause the heart wants what it wants. And the heart can be really stupid.
There is no excuse for John's physical abuse - his behaviour was completely and abhorrently wrong. But just because he is completely and abhorrently wrong, doesn't mean you and Jessica didn't make mistakes and behave badly. You did. You made a lot mistakes. Everyone was mean to everyone else. Everyone behaved dishonestly and selfishly. Everyone led everyone else on. Everyone accepted emotional abuse and grew resentful and scarred. Everyone behaved manipulatively during this period of drama.
And you are STILL rushing into this with talking about any commitments or boundaries and that is a BAD idea. It is very likely to lead you down the same drama-filed road as before. John might not be around, but it's the same deal between the two of you.
If you are going to try and make it work in a few weeks when school stops, then don’t be wishy-washy and uncommitted about it. You want to be together. Be together. For real. Commit to each other and to working on the relationship, and if it fails, then it fails, but at least it won’t drag on forever in this drama-filled gray zone of maybe/maybenot that you are both so used too. The trouble with 'worrying about commitment later' is that you might end up worrying about it after one of you has started to develop feelings - or making out - with someone else.
If she isn’t ready to be with you, actually to be committed and in a relationship with you, then you need to be JUST her friend, until she is - if she ever is. You guys have done the ‘wait and see’. You know who the other is and should have idea of if you are compatible or not. Now is your chance, if you want it, to take the shoot. If you don’t want to take that chance then don’t, but don’t drag it out any longer. You are already in a situation where the drama and the resentment and confusion threaten to crush you - don’t add to it. Either do it, or do not do it. No more living in the grays. No more ‘uncommitted’. That is your path to less drama: Commit to learning how to be together romantically, or don’t.
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