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humorist-workshop
Mother and Daughter
What should I do? My 34 yr. old daughter has gained a substantial amt. of weight w/n the past 3+ yrs. since her job relocated her to a state on the other side of the country where we have no family and she does not make friends easily. She runs & sometimes wks out w a trainer, but she is very heavy below the waist (from sz 10 to sz 16 pants). She has gone to dr. about it & has learned that she inherited a gene (a disease) for very lg. & heavy legs. She should wear special hose, but she won't. She is a beautiful woman, but is self-conscious abt the heaviness & wears long pretty summer dresses. The problem is, in the back, she has alot of jiggly & u can c the bumps & lumps & she wears thong undies. I gingerly suggested that she wear an undergarment to smoothe. She absolutely refuses! She said she is NOT wearing a girdle! She is a classy & professional woman, but the jiggle & bumps are unattractive. We got into a big argument (screaming match) & she started crying, as though I am picking on her and she is visiting me now in Md. I am so upset and so is she. You can cut the air w a knife. She has even gone and had her seamstress line the dresses, but you can still see the lumps, bumps and jiggle. It takes so much away from her beauty, class and style. I asked her if she has seen herself w a 3 way mirror. My daughter is in denial and I do not want the world laughing at her. She's classier and smarter than that. I do not understand why she refuses to accept that she needs the smoothing that even a half slip with lycra can add.
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You need to back off.
She NEEDs to do what her doctor tells her to, it's fair for you to GENTLY remind her to take care of her health.
But other than that, you are completely in the wrong.
She is an adult and can wear what she wants. Your comments about her clothing and undergarments are unkind and must stop. You were wrong to yell at her. It is fine to share your opinion, but you have gone way to far. You have become disrespectful and cruel to your daughter. You WERE picking on her. Nagging someone over and over again and drawing attention to their flaws over and over again IS bullying them and picking on them. That is what you did and it was wrong. You should apologize.
In the future, share your opinion once, gently. Then find other things to talk about. Your daughter has a lot to offer - pay attention to that, not her body.
Your daughter is an adult, and she struggling. She will feel more open and willing to listen to you if you focus on her class and smarts - not her bumps and lumps.
It's okay to care for her and have an opinion, it is not okay to insult her. Telling an adult what to wear - over and over again - is insulting.
EDIT IN RESPONSE TO FEEDBACK
I'm glad you don't speak to your daughter the same way you wrote this question, but I, and everyone else here, only has the words you wrote here to go by and your question makes you sound EXACTLY like "a fault finding mother whose kids can do nothing right". That isn't our fault- those are the words you choose. That is how you presented yourself.
You presented yourself here as someone who didn't know how to give constructive loving advice. Your language here is full of nagging and cruelty. If I were to read this question and know it was from MY mother, I would bawl my eyes out at how hurtful it was. I would run away from her. It would cut me to the quick.
Yes, your question got misconstrued. That happened because of how and what you choose to say.
Please consider how your daughter might also misconstrue what you say because of the words you use and how you say it. It's not that you must always agree (that isn't what I suggested) it's that you must pay attention to how your words are being understood and taken. Your question here suggests that you struggle to recognize how your words impact others - you didn't notice how your words on this site would appear to the reader. That's not an unsual problem to have. We all feel that others should just understand us and what we mean, but they can't always do that. They can only listen our words. Please think carefully about the words you use with your daughter. There was nothing 'gingerly' about your question here, and I suspect that you are not being as gingerly and supportive with her as you actually want to be. I don't think you are a bad person, but I think you need to stop defending your behavoir for a moment and recongize that when our messages are misunderstood by others, that is ALWAYS at least partially our own fault. It something we have a responsibility to fix if we wish to be understood (and not seen as a monsterously rude and condesending person). You need to change the way you are sharing your message in order for it to be understood the way you wish it to be and for the love and kindness you MEAN to be sharing to shine through.
There was very little love and support in your question here, and no respect. What little bit you tried to place in here, was overrun by your nagging and insults. You can fix that, and you should.
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I'm gonna have to agree with everyone else here- it is absolutely none of your business- how would you like it if you were her age and had your parent telling you what to wear? How she looks is her choice, not yours.
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Wow...
Whatever happened to loving your children unconditionally? The user below me is 100% correct, This is none of your business your daughter is an adult and you should respect that. Instead of putting her down, Accept her as she is. Isn't that what a parent is supposed to do? love and support their children no matter what they look like, how they act or what else. You are killing your daughters confidence by continuously putting her down and judging her about her weight. Your daughter is entitled to wear whatever she wants to wear again she is an ADULT who is 34 years old. All you are doing is pushing her away by giving her negativity. Family is supposed to be there for family NO MATTER WHAT. So in other words start minding your own business and worry about YOU.
SHAME ON YOU!
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No offense but its really none of your buisness. Your daughter is an adult and can wear whatever she wants. If she wants to wear thongs and refuses to wear a "half slip with lyrca" then thats her choice.
There is nothing you can do about it so you might as well just go apologize and get over it.
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