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Is it possible I was sexually abused as a child?
17/f.
For a very long time, I have suspected that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, as I display almost all of the symptoms, and it is very common with BPD sufferers to have been abused as children. I didn't ever consider this as a possibility (as I have no recollection of being abused) until recently, when I started to think about myself, and suddenly a lot of things started coming together:
- Ever since I was very young, about 3, this weird feeling would suddenly pounce on me - it's a kind of sick feeling, and even when I was that young, I associated it with sex. I don't know why, it's not something I've ever thought through, it's just what comes into my head when I get this feeling. I used to get this more as a child than I do now, but I still get it sometimes. It's always happened more often in the morning, when I've not been awake for long, but it sometimes comes in flashes during the day/evening.
- I still get this feeling, without fail, for a long time the morning after I have been sexually intimate (or even just laid cuddling) with someone, even if it's someone I really like.
- At the age of about 6, up to about 10, I would play 'sex games' with other children, boys and girls - my cousins, in fact. I feel very ashamed looking back on this. I know other kids do this, but I get the feeling we always took it further - we pretty much went the whole way, except it wasn't really like proper sex, it's hard to describe. I remember being very sexually aroused even at that young age, and I was always the one who initiated it.
- I used to write all the time (still do), and when I was about 7, I wrote a story about a girl getting raped. It wasn't just any girl, though, it was a girl I knew from school, with whom I had a sort of friend/enemy relationship. I don't know if this has any significance.
- Also, when I was young (can't remember what age, perhaps 7-10, though I still get them sometimes now) I would have weird sexual fantasies about being sexually dominated and being made to do awful things. Which I'd expect is pretty weird for a seven year old.
- So, when I was young I was always more interested in sex than other people my age.
- Now, however, it's the other way round. I'm still very interested in sex, but I also have a fear of it. Other people my age have a very casual attitude to it and have a lot of sex, whereas I'm a virgin (at least I consider myself one, whether I have been sexually abused or not) and am very scared of sex. I have a fear of intimacy, and I am pretty much prpetually single because I can't get into the physical side of relationships. I have done, but not fully, and I get scared away afterwards.
- I (usually) like the idea of having sex with people I like, but when it almost happens, I get panicky and want to run away.
- I go through states of depression, used to self-harm, have trouble regulating my emotions, and often feel disconnected with others, which are synptoms of sexual abuse.
- I like girls too, and for a while I've been wondering if I'm gay, because these sexual problems seem to be far more exaggerated with men than women, but now I'm just wondering if my inability to be sexual with men is because perhaps that's who I was abused by.
I'm not saying it's a definite - I have no recollection of it, after all. But I have a lot of the symptoms, and it would explain why I have such a weird attitude to sex and intimacy. This attitude has been a massive problem for me for years, and has got in the way of many relationships.
And, if it does sound like I've been abused, what should I do about it? I feel like if I spoke to anyone, they'd think I was just exaggerating or creating stuff in my head.
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Yes, you are correct in realizing that your behavior isn't normal for a child to exhibit. I do personally feel like you were molested... BUT the best way to determine this is to see a therapist that can hypnotize you! I know it seems odd, but it's a way to bring up events from your subconscious. So my advice, please please see someone!
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I can't say for sure one way or the other. Flash backs and repressed memories are hard to deal with and need the help from a trained professional for you to deal with them.
Since you do feel you were abused as a child I know where the best place for you to turn to for help is. The place to turn to is called RAINN. RAINN stands for Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network. They operate a 24/7 365 day hotline where you can call to speak with a trained volunteer. The volunteer will help you find a professional in your home town that you can go to for help to sort these things out. The hotline number is 1-800-656-help.
The fact that you are having these flashbacks says to me that you need help. You need to talk with someone who can help you sort out what these repressed memories mean and how to deal with them. Please call RAINN ands ask for their help.
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The lack of any specific recollection...
I've known alot of abuse survivors. Some with repressed memories, which came out later. Even when they couldn't remember what happened, even when they weren't sure if anything actually happened at all, there was a specific person to point to who they would say "if anything happened at all, that person did it". Some intense negative emotions associated with some individual from their life past or present.
People get fucked up for all kinds of reasons.
Lets make one assumption for a second. You were not molested or harmed sexually in any way.
Where does that leave you? A child who showed a high degree of sexualization from an early age, who most definitely grew up in an environment where she was taught to feel guilty for being sexual as a child when she was truly innocent.
You said you initiated, you said you think you took it further than other kids did. I can tell you that regardless of the first, you're wrong about the second. You are far from the first child to take sexual exploration all the way.
You are a girl in a world which emphasizes purity, decries what it considers "sluttiness", and teaches women to be ashamed of their sexuality. I can't tell you if anything ever happened to you, but I can tell you that even if you weren't harmed you've got plenty of reasons to be a bit fucked up in the head about sex.
Some people have higher sex drives than others. Some people tend towards more kinkier sex than others. Sex is a really awkward, risky way to stand out in a crowd. And here you stand, not toeing the line of "average".
Talk to a therapist. If you are hiding something in your head even you don't know about, that's your best route to some form of closure on the matter. If you aren't, you're still messed up enough that a little help would do you some good. You sound like you need a little more outside input than a nonprofessional website is going to provide.
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If you have no recollection of abuse, it is incredibly unlikely that any took place. Repressed memories are horribly uncommon and they do not actually exist the way that TV and movies suggest they do. Although childhood memories are very different in how they exist in the brain than adult memories, generally speaking, people are more likely to recall trauma, then to forget it.
There is a culture of mental health right now that leads people to believe that all of their issues, and dilemmas and stresses have REASONS, and that’s a load of shit. A lot of us don’t have reasons or traumas that lead to our mental health issues, we just have the issues. Although it’s true that people who experience trauma or abuse are more likely to develop mental health issues - the majority of people who actually suffer from mental illnesses or disorders are NOT abuse survivors.
You are right that you have massive difficulties and you should be speaking to someone about them. You are right that some people - like me - will believe it very unlikely that you were abused - but that doesn’t mean you can’t be helped! That doesn’t mean you can’t talk about and learn to address and deal with your struggles and conflicts in relationships as a young adult. That doesn’t mean you can’t talk about your past and what you do recall and how it affects you. Please don’t think you only deserve help if you are victim of abuse! Don’t think you can only be helped if there is a trauma reason for your illness! That’s not the case.
Just because there isn’t a REASON doesn’t mean there isn’t any SOLUTION. Mental health isn't a game of addition and subtraction, were you added abuse so you got ill and a doctor can take it out and you'll get better. It doesn't work like that. There are lots of possible solutions and techniques for people who suffered abuse and people who didn’t, some of them might work for you and some might not, but you don’t go to a therapist just to talk about your dreams and your childhood - you go to a therapist to help you handle your future and improve your day to day life.
Don’t get so caught up in the things that aren’t knowable or that you can’t remember that your neglect the things you can do today to start making your life better. Talk to a therapist, not just about your past, but how to move forward. If you end up with a therapist who only wants to talk about your childhood and your dreams - go find someone else with a more practical approach.
You can get help without ‘getting to the bottom’ of some past traumic event. Don’t look for an easy answer to why you are this way - the solutions are always hard no matter what the reasons. Start looking for the solutions.
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If u don't have any recolection of it then you probably were not abused. You may have had a weird feeling after playing sex games with your cousins...? Did you? I did when I was young. My friends says that when she touches herself or gets sexually intament she Gets a weird feeling like a feeling of regret like She wishes she didn't do it. So it may be similar to that? I'm not sure exactly what your situation could be. Don't be scared of talking to someone though, it could really help. If you talk to a "shrink", you may feel a lot better. It's okay if you feel like others may think you are exagerating... Just tell the phycologist what you said on this website. I do not think you are exxagerating I figure things happen and they have a reason. I can no tell you that reason but there is someone that went to school so they could tell you that reason. Hope you take my advice and see a physcologist. I don't thinkyou are crazy, and it wouldn't mean you were if you went to talk to one. You could evn just gotalk to a counseler. I hope this helped a lot!!! (:
<3 Kaya
please rate if you will! (:
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