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srh2323....what to do next?
my boy and have a 1 year old daughter.he has been a complete dead beat, jobless and abusive for the last year and a half. I threw him out 5 days ago. after months of wanting to. Now, I am lonely after my daughter goes to bed. He is texting me alllllllll night telling me how bad he fucked up his life. Hes gonna change. I said prove it. He isnt welcome at my house so dont worry about that. But my question is if he keeps this job he is starting on monday and gets his act sober and together....should I un-break up with him....? Not let him move in, just keep a relationship. And see how it goes. I did love him dearly before he fell into his depression. I still love him. But how do I know if the abusive tendencies will go away. How do I know if he will keep his job. But what if he does become the man i know he is deeeep down, I would be an idiot to pass it up. I dont know, I told him I would re evaluate on tuesday....but i just dont know what i want to do. 50% of me wants to maintain a distant relationship and 50% of me doesnt wanna believe him and just wants to give up. We have been together for almost 4 years. I feel like everyone is telling me what to do, he is telling me im putting on a show for everyone and that i want to be with him and everyone else is telling me i need to stay away. this confliction is going to make me go crazy i just want to know what the right thing for my daughter and i is.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
The right thing for your daughter is for you to remain strong - and single.
You are still clinging to childish fantasies - What if he changes? What if my love magically turns him into a prince in fairytale story? What if we win the lottery? What if he falls for some else and treats them like a queen and never beats them or hates them like he does me?
These are normal fantasies and fears - but they are also complete bullshit.
It's not going to happen like that. Even IF - and it's a big, hugely unlikely if - he changes, keeps this job and ends his abuse, you cannot gamble your child's safely and happiness on that. ‘What if’ is NOT good enough. You certainly cannot make that gamble on TUESDAY.
You need to wait a year, at least, before you reconsider a relationship with him. He needs to spend a year - at least - not abusing you as the mother of his child, not disrespecting you or your family, and supporting his child as a decent father and human being.
A year - AT LEAST - before you should even consider considering dating him again.
And you need that year, at least, to get over these illusions of romance you still have, or you are going to fall in with another abusive asshole - maybe him, maybe not him - but you need to work on yourself so you don’t accept the kind of life that you were accepting for the last year. You need a year of demanding that no one abuse you or endanger your daughter. You need a year to empower yourself, to learn to be a mom and to be in charge of your own life without tip-toeing around some selfish little man-child’s anger and stupidity. You need a year of planning and of smiling and of self -confidence. You need a year of being a mom and human being - not a punching bag.
Remember you are still in the early stages of this break up - all break ups hurt this bad at first. It's only with time can we begin to see clearly. You need to give yourself that time.
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I'm not sure you will like my answer. This is fine if you don't but someone needs to say this to you if you have not already heard this.
Your first obligation is to your daughter. Her needs come before yours. You need to remember that she did not ask to come into this world, you brought her into this world and for the next 18 years you are legally obligated to put her needs first. The law doesn't put it exactly that way, but that is the meaning of the law. The same is true for your boyfriend.
You say your BF is a dead beat,jobless and abusive; that 5 days ago you through him out. The next thing you need to do is make sure if you have not already done so, that your daughter has all the protections the law provides.
You need to see a Lawyer and have custody papers filed with the court. If there are no custody papers filed with the court you do not have legal custody of your daughter if your boyfriend is listed as the father on the birth certificate. As part of the custody arrangement the court will want to see to it that your boyfriend remains employed and pays his fair share of your daughters child support. He will also be required to provide for medical costs as well.
These are the things that as the child's mother you need to see are taken care of. A simple promise of support is not enough. You cannot enforce a non-binding promise. You can enforce a legal court order.
As to taking back your boyfriend. Abusive people are generally the result of personality disorders. This is not something that can be fixed with medication. It takes a willingness on their part to work with a therapist to realize that they are abusive and work hard to overcome whatever drives this behavior
My vote would be that now that you have wised up and kicked him out; you keep him out. Unfortunately you cannot keep him out of your life as he has the right, both moral and legal, to see his daughter. What you can do is limit the amount of time that you spend with him.
There are men out there who will not abuse you, who will make good step-fathers to your daughter. You just have to take the time to find one.
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ok. a couple of things. sometimes, we are so use to being with someone that we don't see their faults. They could treat us terribly and we don't see their faults because were so use to being around them and we love them. you are a smart girl. you have recognized his faults. now, what you are going to do about it is up to you. what are the chances that he is going to keep his job and become sober? You would probably know since you are the one who knows who he really is. if he is abusive, you have to think that you don't want your daughter or yourself around that. if he didn't care for you or your daughter at all, he would have just left and you would never have heard from him again, like a lot of men do. if i were you, i would maintain the distant relationship. remember, that love isn't always perfect. sometimes, we love people and they mess up and we are there for them and are the ones who give them the motive to become better people. You have to trust someone: your family, your friends, close friends, and ask them to tell you when he has gone too far because love is blind and sometimes we don't see. Tell them that this is what you want to do and to please respect your decision. but, that you need them to do this for you. they will make sure that you don't get into trouble. but your daughter deserves a father as well. so, he should have that chance. but, remember to keep someone there with you to be your guide and mentor so you do not go through this alone. God bless xoxo
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