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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
Razhie,
Thanks for your compassionate and sensitive handling of my question about my girlfriend's erotic fetish. I am so pleased with your insights that I have made you a favorite columnist. With just one question answered, you have more than earned my trust.
I appreciate your kind invitation to ask any follow-up questions. So if I may?
You have alerted me to the issue of consent of others as it relates to her power play and her fetish. My girlfriend Lisa should exercise her fetish and make sure she has not only my consent but that of her friends or any "audience." She will always have my consent as long as she allows me to give her a signal whenever I feel her fetish is unfair or inappropriate. Thank you for that idea!
We have worked out a signal between us, thanks to you. A "play-off word" would not work verbally if she has her hand over my mouth, so we have worked out a nonverbal safe signal. I will tap her backhand with my fingers if I feel her hand should be removed so that I may speak or if I am feeling uncomfortable in the setting. Lisa has agreed to honor my request and remove her hand quickly, always honoring the safe signal. I will in turn tap her (disengaged) hand when I feel it is okay for her to return her hand to my mouth. We both appreciate your suggestion. As you pointed out, I DO NOT want her to stop this erotic behavior for good since we both enjoy it. But Lisa read your comments and has agreed to modify her behavior when necessary.
Razhie, here is my new question--and I ask it seriously and not flippantly. How does Lisa seek the consent and approval of those who might observe her fetish? Does she NEED their verbally express permission to perform her hand-over-mouth quirk? Does she ask them first if they mind? If one person objects, does it preclude her doing as she wishes? Or should she non-verbally gauge reactions around her when she engages in her fetish? If they look or act uncomfortable, should she disengage? What if some seem to approve and others do not seem to?
Part of Lisa's power-play game is to take viewers of her fetish by surprise and hold them hostage by their own helpless reactions. She likes to see them squirm--surprise, embarrassment, discomfort, nervousness, humor, enjoyment, agreement, and helpless inaction. Her control, dominance, and power is strengthened by their insecurity or inability to react or act. Are we saying that if Lisa chooses to engage in her erotic hand-over-mouth fetish publicly that she must accept responsibility for the reactions of all present as well as their approval and consent? Not everyone may approve, so perhaps they have the option of looking away or leaving? Lisa may never have 100 percent consensus in an imperfect world that still says anything goes.
In what ways can Lisa seek consent for her fetish publicly, where she revels most in her power play and the impromptu and unpredictable reactions of others? How can she gauge consent and approval of others? Should she react to verbal cues or nonverbal? And should she concern herself with unanimous consent--especially among friends? Is it wrong for her to engage a private fetish so publicly in the first place?
I appreciate your patience and understanding. I am very intrigued by your wise issue of social consent and what role that would play in Lisa's freedoms of choice and exercise of her fetish.
Thanks again, Razhie--and love always!
The Answer
As I said before - I am not an expert. So the following is all opinion, not the rule of law.
I do believe it's inappropriate to engage in fetish behaviour in public. Not thoughts of course. We can't help but have erotic thoughts - some fetishes are incidental and exposure just happens in day to day life. Our fetishes might still attract and arouse us - just like an attractive person standing beside you in line might make you think of sex for a few seconds - but our actions we can control, and I think we should.
For example, I don't think people should wear sex toys under their clothes and go about their daily lives because they get off on the idea that their coworkers don't know that they are there. I think that crosses a line, where another person is made to be intimately involved in your sexual expression and experience without their awareness or consent.
By that standard, you both shouldn’t be doing this in public. (I’m going to point out that I’m speaking to both of you: You are consenting to this that means you both have a responsibility for how you engage with others. It’s not ‘her fetish’ we are talking about anymore when we talk about behaviour in public. It’s both of you in a sex act.) There are a good number of sex writers/philosophers/kinksters who would agree with me on this and there are a whole bunch that would think I’m an unbearable prude and putting ludicrous limits on sexual expression.
I’m guessing you and your girlfriend are of the vein that would find this a little prudish. I don’t think you two should really be doing this in public in the first place, but obviously you can’t be expected to get everyone around you verbally consent. (Unless you go to Fetish Fair or something were everyone has signed a waiver - which you should totally look into by the by!).
So let me attack this from the other angle: What do I think is the absolute LEAST amount of consent you need to receive?
ONE - I think you need to restrict yourselves to private and semi-private events and situations. IE Doing this at a restaurant with friends is fine. Doing it on the public bus or in the grocery store is not. Doing at an event where there are many people who you are meeting for the first time, probably also not.
TWO - I think both of you need to pay very close attention to the non-verbal and indirect hints you are given. Has any of your friends or hers every asked, with a concerned look in their eyes, if you are, ya know, okay with this. Has anyone said they’d love to see you - just you - not your boyfriend/girlfriend. Has someone ever left the room or told other friends that they don’t want to come if you are there. . . If these are people who you want to maintain friendships with then you both need to express that this works for you and confirm that they are cool with being around it. If they aren’t, then the question you are left with as a couple is: So you want to be around them?
THREE - I think you need to stop the moment someone says “Really guys!” or “I’m trying to talk to him!” with anything even a little bit less then complete good humour. You both need to agree to be very liberal about what is interpreted as verbal withdrawal of consent. Among friends, yes, you should aim for unanimous consent, at least in so much as the moment someone expresses verbally that they are not consenting, the behaviour should full stop.
Frankly, I think you are probably both reasonably intelligent people. I don’t think I could, and I’m not going to try, to spell out everything that might be interpreted as ‘non-consent’, and I don’t think you are responsible for everyone’s reactions. However, you are both responsible, most definitely for paying attention to those reactions, and being respectful. Respectful won’t always mean stopping, but it does mean you don’t get to be wilfully ignorant of those around you, just because that is part of where the satisfaction comes from…
Finally, I’d suggest this to you as the possibility of a happy compromise on the issue of consent in public - Keep your mouth shut WITHOUT her hand in front of your mouth. Create another pair of signs she can use for ‘play on’ and ‘play off’ at HER initiation - rather than yours - and when she uses them, stop talking.
From my experience with doms she might actually find it even more satisfying to control you so completely, so subtly. Although it doesn’t completely address my issue (the idea of unaware individuals become part of your sexual act) it does bring the act much closer to the two of you - the two clearly consenting individuals - and avoids involving those around you.
I understand that discomfort and shock of others plays into her enjoyment of her fetish, but it’s really not nice behaviour. Imagine if you had a friend who had took sexual pleasure for seeing people totally grossed out, so they hid photos of mutilated corpses in your menu or iphone in the hopes of seeing your reaction. That would be ‘not nice’.
I think a lot of what you are describing as public behaviour could fall into the ‘not nice’ category, not the ‘horribly immoral’ category. I don’t want to give you a bunch of strict codes about establishing consent among your friends - I’d really just like to think you are both considering this part of the equation now.
Most of your friends are NEVER going to view Lisa and your behaviour with the same intensity they would the image of a mutilated corpse - obviously the severity is totally different - but the principal stands. It’s not illegal. It’s not even especially disrespectful. It’s just not nice.
Thanks for the praise. I really appreciate it. I hope my thoughts are of some use. I certainly realize that there are other ways of viewing the issues around public humiliation and the consent of non-participants, but hopefully my thoughts give you a jumping off point to your own philosophies.
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The Question
how do i keep my husband focused on things that we NEED to talk about to resolve the continuous and serious marital issues? he cannot face truth or facts. he always finds a way to divert the subjects either by acting out, anger or changing the subject. if i say something he doesnt want to hear, he 'acts out'.
The Answer
Therapy. Go to therapy together.
If he wont go, go yourself.
The death of healthy communication has happened on both sides.
Get some professional help.
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The Question
A former friend of mine will not leave me and a couple of other friends alone online. She's not doing anything illegal but she does stalk us under the guise of "missing us" and wanting to know what we're all up to. Is this anything I could inform her police about? She's been told numerous times to leave me completely alone but has never respected my wishes for long. She eventually pops up somewhere and will reach out to me trying to get our friendship back. In a way I feel like she's harassing me though I know she really isn't. I've considered reporting her to her local cops (we live in different states) but would they do anything?
The Answer
You haven't described anything illegal.
You need to block her, if you can, and ignore what you cannot block.
If you don't feed the monster, it will eventually go away.
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The Question
I have a girlfriend who has a serious kinky fetish she finds very erotic. She can't seem to stop putting her hand over my mouth AND keeping it there. She does this dozens of times to me throughout the day, especially in open public and at the movies. Usually it is to keep me quiet so she can talk. I am expected to sit quietly and not touch her hand. But there is a definite foreplay/sexual overtone to it that I do appreciate.
She especially likes to do it in front of others and strangers, most often her girlfriends. And once her hand is clamped over my mouth, she doesn't seem to know when to let go! Her girlfriends see it as cute, affectionate, intimate, and sexual. She has even invited a few of her girlfriends to do this to me and several of them have been doing so!
I asked her why she does it. She said that covering my mouth allows her to feel in control and dominant as a woman. She calls it girl-power. In truth, I don't really mind it because her hands are very pretty, soft, sweet-scented, and clean. And it does feel very erotic and intimate to let her control my speech.
But there are times I would like to be able to talk and be heard or understood. Having your girlfriend's hand over your mouth every day for long periods of time with orders not to speak certainly does put her in control. And sometimes she expects me to talk while she keeps her hand in place for her own amusement!
I really love her and don't want to end the relationship over this. But she says she cannot stop the behavior because doing it in front of others gives her a heady rush of sexual excitement and disciplinary control. Some might call her fetish controlling, rude, immature, and inconsiderate.
Is there a way I can better appreciate or understand her hand-over-mouth habit? Is this normal affection and intimate foreplay? Is it appropriate for her girlfriends to do this to me too? I cannot get her to stop and in general, I don't dislike her habit--especially in private. But I would like to be able to talk sometimes and not be so controlled. Is there a balance?
Any thoughts on her fetish and how to modify or live with it without making a big deal out of it? Thanks for any wisdom or insight you may have.
The Answer
EDIT:
I'm glad I was able to help, and please do feel free to send me a question to my inbox. I don't claim to be an expert by any means, but I do hope you can help your girlfriend recognize how important consent is in this sex practice... Your consent and her friend's consent. Many people who like power play don't realize that just because they aren't beating people with whips doesn't mean they don't have a responsibility to absolutely, 100%, make sure, that the act is consensual for EVERYONE, even just those who are watching the act. The same rules and respect must apply to restricting your ability to speak, that would apply to tying you to the bed or flogging you.
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I think it's important you realize that this isn't a case of 'needing a little modification' or 'not a big deal'.
This is a huge, deal breaking, problem.
Not the fetish. A fetish is just fine. It's not that your girlfriend's FETISH is controlling, rude, immature, and inconsiderate. The fetish isn't making her behave that way. She IS behaving that way. She is utterly failing to control herself and engage with her fetish in a respectful and consensual way.
And you need to tell her so. In very plain terms. This is not a moment to better appreciate her position of "I can't help myself but disrespect you and sexualie our exchanges in public..."
It's fine to respect and appreciate her desires and pleasure, but you can't do that as the expense of basic decency in her interactions with others.
A fetish is not an excuse. It doesn't give her a pass on being rude or disrespectful. She can control herself, and if she want to be in a relationship with you, she needs to do so, sooner rather than later.
Your girlfriend is breaking every cardinal rule in dominance play: She is involving others in her sex acts without their direct consent and she is not listening to her partner's boundaries and concerns.
It's tough - if you genuinely enjoy this power play AND you'd like it to continue in some form - then it's tough to ride the line between how firmly she needs to be told that she is not behaving in an acceptable way (she isn't) and that you don't necessarily need her to stop all together.
An easy step forward might be to establish a 'safe' sign or secret word. A way for you to say, in public without having a fit or biting her hand, that you are not interested in playing right now. That now is a moment when you need to speak freely.
Frankly, you also need to talk to her about how she engages others in this play. Given how she is treating you, she ought to re-evaluate the comfort level (and the implied/direct consent) of those around her when she does this. She wouldn't remain a friend of mine for very long if she choose to behave this way all the time around me.
It's fine to have a fetish. It's great to have a partner (and friends!) that enjoy it right along with you.
It is not okay to hide behind your fetish and justify rudeness and disrespect.
Your girlfriend has crossed that line big time.
Really, please do take a really firm position with her. This behavoir is not okay, and it will poison her relationships with others if she doesn't take a look at the bigger picture.
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The Question
Is it possible for a person to lose 20-25 pounds by christmas if they eat healthy and work out a lot?
The Answer
If you wiegh three hundred pounds, sure.
Otherwise, you'll need to cut off an arm.
Unless you are quite overweight, 20 - 25 pounds is probably an unrealistic goal for a two month period. You just won't have that much too loose safely and quickly.
10 - 15 pounds would be a more reasonable goal for that length of time for most people...
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The Question
21 female. Tony 19
This is kind of long, but I need some real advice.
Me and my boyfriend have been officially together for 2 months now, but have known each other for a long time. He's honestly different than any other guy I've known, he treats me SO good. He tells me he's falling in love with me and no girl has ever made him feel this way. He says I make him want to be a better person. I know he's not just a player with smooth words, I know he's sincere.
The thing is, something is bothering me. He's only had one girlfriend before me. They were together for like 8 months I guess but she cheated on him so he broke up with her. This was like a year ago. When we first started dating, Tony was like "Wow my ex girlfriend would never do ____ like you do" or he would tell me his ex girlfriend would never want to hang out alone, she would always have to be around people. He would like compare me with his ex girlfriend constantly. But in a good way I guess? But i was thinking okay is he not over her, why is he talking about her so much ...even though it wasn't in a good way. I asked him before if he still liked her, or if he was over her and he said yes he was over her and that no girl has made him feel the way he does like I do.
Well then we were at his grandparents house downstairs alone and his ex girlfriends sister requested me on Facebook and I said something like do you know who this is? And he goes that my ex girlfriends little sister. Well then he goes "Yeah Brooke (his ex) texted me the other day asking how I was doing and how my family was and that she knows I have a girlfriend but she just wanted to see what I have been up to" I was like okay, whatever you know not a big deal. But then I go on twitter (I don't personally have an account) but I knew my boyfriend does even though he didn't tell me and I like to see what he tweets. Well he tweeted his ex girlfriend two days ago saying "I'm shocked you haven't decided to follow me yet #disappointed"
I'm really starting to feel like she is a threat to me. I know there not friends anymore ..he told me that he hasn't talked to her since they broke up (well other than the day she texted him) but I'm kind of worried how he brings her up randomly and now is tweeting her. And the thing is he hasn't tweeted ANYONE EXCEPT her. I don't want to be a jealous girlfriend. Am I just overreacting? I just have this bad feeling though that he's not over her and he's not telling me the truth. I don't know what to do!!! I don't ever get worried about other girls, which is why I feel it's weird I'm getting worried about her. I don't want him to know i was creeping on him on Twitter either ha. What should I do!? :\
The Answer
You are overreacting (so is Zane, in my opinion).
We can't banish our exes from our brains, and we do make comparisons between our exes and new flames. Everyone does that, all the time. It can be a good thing to have someone who is honest enough about their own thoughts (and honest enough with you) to do so out loud. That doesn't have to mean anything.
There is nothing about that behavoir that means he isn't over her.
It's understandable that her reconnecting with him over text and twitter makes you uncomfortable, but he told you about the texts, and twitter is PUBLIC. You weren't creeping him. It's not private. He doesn't seem to be hiding anything.
Being over someone doesn't mean pretending they don't exist. Being over someone doesn't mean you don't wonder about them, it doesn't even mean you never speak to them.
Yes, this could be trouble, but it's respectful to talk to your boyfriend before you make too many assumptions. So take a deep breath and ask him how he is thinking about it, and listen to what he says. People get confused sometimes and have conflicting feelings - and that is okay.
You don't need to be the only girl he ever has a conversation with. You just want to be the one he chooses to be in a relationship with.
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The Question
Hello 16f
I'll try to make this short, and I guess this isn't as big of a deal than I think it is but still..
Well, I met this guy on this one site I was using and we started talking about one of my favorite movies I like, Heathers. Our conversation was simply amazing, and it was the best convo I had with a guy since my ex and I first started dating.
He was afraid to tell me his age, after I told him mine..later on I find out he's 28. It didn't really bother me since I just liked talking to him, nothing more. We talked on MSN, for a lonnnggg time and he told me he doesn't want to talk to me anymore because of his age.. and I hate this because just when I find a guy who I can relate to, he's way older than me.
He's apparently married to.. so ;/ Oh well, I just wondered if there was any POINT of us even talking..and relating like we did? I know we just talked for one day, but I never related to someone so well.. and it's depressing.
I don't want to hear .. oh he's a perv blah blah.. I know he's to old for me and I have no meaning to be with him. I know there is NO chance..but I just want to know what the hell the point was? I just want to find a sweet guy..that's all.
Thanks. ;/
The Answer
There is no point in you talking to him.
Not because of his age, but because he told you that he feels there is no point in you talking.
(Which is most likely code for "I don't want a friend, I want to screw around on my wife, but I just can't do that with a sixteen year old.")
Trolling the internet for connections with other women is questionable enough. To make that kind of semi-romantic, semi-sexual online connection with you, a young teen would take his actions from 'pretty lousy' to 'absolutely monstrous'.
So there is no point in talking to him for two reasons:
ONE He can't actually offer you what you want in a friendship or a romance. You both know it. You want a sweet guy. At best, he knows he can't be that, at worse he wants an 'other woman'.
TWO He's probably trying to do something kind of lousy at the moment. You'll be happiest and healthiest if you stay away men who have those intentions.
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The Question
How can I fuck a woman/Girl when she was sleeping condition?????
The Answer
Unless she has told you that you may have sex with while she is asleep, don't.
If she hasn't said okay to you having sex while she is asleep while she is awake - then it's rape. A violent, crime that will land you in jail.
If she has said okay, just experiment. Different people sleep differently. If you wake her up a few times, just try again.
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The Question
Okaaay , so i am 15 years oldd. I live in Floridaa . I have been with my Boyfriendd for a year & i cant figure out the Law for thiss. If you are Dating & both parents knoe & agree is it still consdered Illegall ?!
The Answer
It is illegal for a 15 year old and 18 year old to have sex in Florida.
The law doesn't care if your parents approve.
The age of consent in Florida is 18.
The "close in age exemption" means that someone 23 years old or younger can have sex with a 17 or 16 year old without it being criminal.
That means that until you turn 16, sexual contact between you and your boyfriend could end up with him charged with a felony in the second degree.
Now, if your parents are okay with you dating, then it's unlikely that anyone else would bother to report it if you did have a sexual relationship (dating isn't criminal, sexual contact is), nevertheless, you should not have sex with this guy until you are sixteen - if one of your parents changed their minds, as parents sometimes do - they could ruin his life forever, if he has sex with you underage.
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The Question
I was wondering if the following constitutes verbal/emotional abuse when committed by a parent.
- Name calling/yelling often
- Neglect/ Not being spoken to for a while
- Having standards that make the child feel bad
- Manipulation
- Talking badly about the other parent to get pity
- If the child lives in fear of being physically abused
- If the child feels unloved or like the parent simply cannot be pleased
Emotional/verbal abuse/neglect are hard to identify since you can't see the scars. And I was wondering if all of these must be present for it to be abuse.. or just some of them? Does anybody know? Thank you very much.
The Answer
Abuse is really about the intensity of the behavior.
There are two questions you are actually asking:
The first is: Is this okay?
The second is: Does this qualify, under the letter of the law, as child abuse?
Abuse is even harder to define when you are dealing with teenagers, because most young people will honestly report that at some points in their lives they felt their parents had standards they could never meet, and could never be pleased. Most will feel manipulated or neglected; most will feel their parents aren't emotionally supportive.
Some of what you’ve described will happen, in the normal course of growing up and dealing with normal parent-teen relationships.
Being rude isn't a crime. Being an asshole isn't a crime. Sometimes, unfortunately, nasty assholes have children and behave perfectly legally, but very badly towards those children.
So your question as two answers:
Is this okay? No. Name-calling, hopelessness and ignoring are not okay parenting tactics. A parent shouldn’t be inspiring these feelings or behaving that way towards their child. It’s not acceptable. It’s not right. Manipulation against a co-parent is also not okay, at all. But those things are also not criminal.
Does this qualify, legally, as child abuse? Probably, but we don’t have quite enough information here when you list it in this way. Like a few others have said: as individual points, most don’t exactly qualify. Living in fear of physical violence, if none ever materialized, might not even make the cut as abuse by some definitions. As individual points, they suggest bad, rude, asshole-ish parenting, but not abuse. However, taken as a whole, you are reporting a pattern of behavior that is extensive and persistent enough that it likely qualifies under the law, as child abuse.
So what do you?
You sound as though you are a young teen, so the best thing you can do is open up to adults you can trust, and ask for their help in pursuing other living arrangements either with another parent or family member, or with friends. Your home environment may or may not be one where the law will get involved, but adults around you can help to make that call, and even if the behavior isn’t criminal - it doesn’t mean you have to just live it. There might be better situations for you with family or friends, and you shouldn’t be ashamed or afraid to start looking for one.
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The Question
For a while now I have been selling pills to some of my friends but I have been the "middle man." If my friends ever need pills I normally charge them about $10 or so more because I have been getting them cheap from my big dealers.
Today one of my friends that I have bought pot from a few times asked me for $1,000 worth of pills and I said sure. When we went to my dealers house I went inside to get the pills but I noticed it was kind of sketchy because a lot of people were in their cars outside of my dealers house. I went through with the deal and gave the pills to the guy asking for it and went on my way.
After leaving that location, I was pulled over. The cops searched me, I had nothing. As well as searched the guys I was with, they had nothing. The cop took me in (because I was the guy who went inside and physically got the pills) and questioned me. He asked me about the dealer and all the pills and whatnot and suggested that I snitch on other dealers I know of.......this is where the big question lies so pay attention...... they then said that I had until next wednesday(it is now thursday) to come and snitch to them or else they would send me to jail. When I asked how they could send me to jail they said "they know who I am" and they "knew I was a middle man" and that they "had enough to put me away for 3 years."
Now, is it really true that they can put me into jail because they've "seen" or "heard" my name as a middle man? THey have no proof/evidence and when I was pulled over I had no drugs on me.
ANY HELP IS GREAT. THANKS GUYS.
The Answer
Talk to a lawyer.
It is possible they can, and have enough information too.
It's possible they are bluffing.
The whole point of telling you that is that you CAN'T know if it's true or a bluff.
So talk to a lawyer and stop selling drugs.
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The Question
I dated the perfect guy a while back but had to let him go cause i'm not ready for a serious relationship. Of course he did what he had to do and moved on, so now he has a girlfriend. For some reason, we started hanging out again "as friends" but lately I felt like we both still have feelings for each other. We'd see each other 3 times a week, hang out at his apt alone, take me to dinner and flirt non stop. This has been going on for three months now. He asked me if he should break up with his girlfriend.. I told him no, because I know i'm still not ready so he is better off with her. Now he won't talk to me!! :( What the heck did I do? Why did he stop talking to me? Did I make the right decision of telling him to stay with her because i'm not ready, even though i know deep inside I wanna be with him? What should I do? And technically, we didn't cheat did we? cuz we aren't hooking up with each other!!
Thanks guys!
The Answer
You did the right thing. You told him the truth.
He ALSO did the right thing. He ended your friendship which was completely inappropriate and had crossed all the lines.
Things couldn't continue the way they had been between you two. He had to dump one of you.
You told him to dump you, not her.
You did help him betray his girlfriend.
Don't kid yourself about that. What the two of you did was completely disrespectful to his relationship. It was deceitful and unkind for you to take on the role of everything-but-hooking-up behind her back. It wasn't okay for either of you to do that. It was entirely wrong and cruel for him to continue seeing her just so long as he couldn't have you. That's a jackass thing to do.
But in the end, you did the right thing, and so did he.
Let him go. This is what had to happen. This is the right thing for him to have done. If he wasn't going to break up with her, he had to stop deceiving her and playing with fire with you.
If you want to be with him, then you have to DO IT, and be with him.
You can't just be his sorta-girlfriend on the side forever. He deserves better, so does his actual-girlfriend.
Get your shit together, and butt out.
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The Question
hello everyone.. i can't stop thinking about my girlfriend's past.. she had relationship with other guy for 6 yrs...we have been in relations for 8 months now.. lately i only picture of her being in physical activities wid other guy. i am sorry i might sound somewhat weird but it wasn't my problem when she told me everything at the beginning.. sometime i think i deserve better woman than her... i tend to think nowadays that she was used and dumped so i don't know if i would be able to love her as a wife.. having these things in mind.. we used to talk about getting married soon but now i am confused. can you guys give me some advices..
its not that i have not fool around wid other gals before but still ....double standards i guessss...
The Answer
Double standards, hypocrisy and sexism.
It's hard to give someone advice on dealing with thoughts that are flat out wrong, inappropriate and nasty.
It's wrong of you to think of her as used or impure, and to hold her to a standard you would never hold yourself too - because you have a penis and she doesn't.
And that's ALL that this is.
You think that you, a man, deserves a 'pure woman'. That woman are less worthy of affection and respect if they have been with someone else.
That's a pretty awful thing to think of other human beings, especially one you claim to love.
Frankly, if you can't get past this, you'd make a really lousy husband, and she'd deserve a better man than you.
It's nasty to obsesses over her past. It means you are failing completely to see her for who she is today. To respect her ability to make choices for herself. And to acknowledge her rights to make those choices as an adult human being.
Don't get married until you defeat these inappropriate ways of thinking. You'll only make both of you miserable, and you'll enter the marriage already disrespecting and rejecting your wife.
There is no real trick to defeating these thoughts, except to remind yourself, over and over again, how completely wrong they are.
If you are serious about becoming a loving and respectful husband, to her or to pretty much anyone else either, you should consider seeing a therapist to help you eliminate the biases and judgements you are making that stand between you and your goal.
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The Question
Hello I 've been with advicentors for about a month now but I was wondering how we know what out rate and average rate is. When I go to other advice columns I see it in the left hand corner what there rate and average rate is but I dont see mine. Please help if you can. Thanks. :D
The Answer
My best guess is that you haven't been rated 5 times yet.
You need to be rated at least 5 times before an average rating shows up according to the FAQ.
There are more FAQ answers about ratings there as well: http://www.advicenators.com/faq.php
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The Question
My ex of 2 years decided he didnt want a relationship anymore, after everything weve been through. i dont really give a crap anymore, but curiousty is killing me because after all i LOVE karma.. now my question is, i typed in his name for the first time in a long time on the search bar on facebook, and turns out he blocked me, first off, id like to mention that i made a new account a while ago, and i never added him, he told my sisters boyfriend that he knows i dont have him on my new facebook, one thing lead to another, and my sisters boyfriend ended up making him feel like shit about doing what he did after he tried blaming everything on me, and got mad after they proved him wrong, all in all,my ex told me he doesnt have feelings for me anymore, this was before, and thats when i cut him off completely, now why would someone who hurt YOU, block you on facebook if you both werent even friends on facebook to begin with? correct me if im wrong, but is the guilt kicking in? or is this totally normal?
This is just all out of curiousity, thank you.
The Answer
It's normal to block people you don't want to talk too - ever.
If you don't give a crap, stop giving a crap about why he blocked you. You'll never know. Clearly he isn't interested in speaking to you and explaining the intimate details behind his choice.
You think he is nasty and delusional. It's understandable to be a bit disappointing that you can't do a bit of harmless FB stalking, but instead of worrying about this, count it as a stroke of luck for your mental health that you aren't able to.
The final step in being okay with a break up, is accepting that you can't know or control what the other person thinks or does.
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The Question
my exboyfriend loves dark hair on girls, long story short i always dye my hair dark brown during the winter time, were trying to work on being friends. anyways, im sick of my hair and its approaching when i usually dye it. currently it's light brown. i want to dye it but i if i dye my hair darker, i'll just feel guilty for myself. i dont know why its just how i feel. but if i get highlights i feel like im getting it inspite of him. i need to change my hair (no i refuse to cut it im growing it out lol) but i don't know what to do. =/ ideas?
The Answer
Just do what you want.
Sometimes it's hard to know what we want when we still have other people's thoughts crowding around in our brain.
But still, you just have to do what you want.
If you aren't sure what you want, make a guess. Right or wrong, you'll have learned something about yourself to help you in the future.
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The Question
This is going to be SUPER long, but i'm need of some serious help. i'm 17/F and my bf is 21. ive been with him for 1 year, and its literally been the best year of my life. he has made me happy in so many ways i didnt even know were possible. along with that, he's also brought me down to my lowest. the thought of losing him seriously gives me suicidal thoughts, i have cried for 7 hours during arguements and yesterday it even got physical. it got so bad i started punching him and telling him he was an ass****, i attempted jumping out of his car, he put me in a chokehold and called me a slut. i seriously lose myself when i fight with him, like i black out and i dont see anything but pain. on top of me and him having horrible fights, i have this extreme jealousy towards his ex of 4 years, because they were super serious and she is still crazy in love with him. i'm terrified he'll leave me and get back with her, or that she'll convince him to cheat on me with her. i dont know if i would be more miserable with him or without him. i feel like he's my only choice, i live in a small town and i know i will NEVER find anyone like him. i'm just too crazy in love with him. i want to learn how to fix this without me being so crazy about everything, and maybe stop caring less? PLEASE HELP.
The Answer
This relationship is probably over.
You might both drag it out for a while longer, maybe years longer. BUt a relationship with this degree of crazy and physical abuse will end, badly, sooner or later. You are both irrational and volient. It's can't continue.
The best thing you can do is learn to live without him. You are not going to 'fix it' with him, you need to work on yourself, by yourself.
Move out. Go stay with family or friends and stay away from him. You may love him, but you are incapable of treating eachother lovingly. So it's over. Accept it. Cry it out. Go be better. With someone else.
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The Question
what occurs when a person is being raped
The Answer
Rape occurs when an a person forces another person to have sex, using physical force, duress (like threats), abuse of authority or with a person who is incapable of giving consent (i.e., someone who is too young, has passed out, or not is not mentally competent).
Rape takes all different forms and happens in many different ways. What all rapes have in common is that one person is making another person have sex against their will, or without the other person being capable of saying no or understanding what is happening.
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The Question
I was dating this guy on and off for awhile, and we're officially done for good after this incident.
What happened is that he told me he was short money for rent last month and his dad would kick him out if he didn't come up with it, so I felt bad and I lent him $300 on the terms that he would pay me back by October 31st, because his work hours were supposed to pick up in the next weeks and he'd be able to come up with the money. I even had him sign a contract with these terms and we both signed it and so did a friend of mine as a witness.
Basically what happened is that I found out he lied about the rent, he was never short money and he was never going to get kicked out. He just wanted to buy a new stereo for his car. I called him out on this and he said, "I'm done with you" and I haven't heard from him since, but he still owes me the money.
Can I take him to local court for this if he does not get in contact with me and return the money? I have the contract that we signed. Will I have to get a lawyer into this case, or is it straight forward enough that I wouldn't need one? If I need one, then it would suck cause the cost of a lawyer would be more than what he owes me anyways. I really need advice, thank you.
The Answer
Google "Small Claims Court -YourState-"
For three hundered dollars, you probably don't need a lawyer. In most states that is simply small claims court (less than $5000) and there are some fees involved in filing in small claims court, but they are minimal.
Of course, you should file the complaint until after October 31st - and you'll need to do some more research to make sure you've done everything you are supposed to before you take legal action.
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The Question
I am 36 years old and recently divorced. George and I started hooking up about 5 months ago. About a month later he saw me kissing another man and asked me at that time and I lied about it. He didn't pursue it any further because we didn't have any commitment to each other. Now 4 months later (still no committment - but getting closer), he asked me about it again and I lied again, saying that we just hugged. He pushed further and I admitted everything. He is very angry that I lied especially about what I lied about. His ex-wife cheated on him. what I don't understand is that we didn't have a commitment to each other, in fact he said multiple times that he didn't want a girlfriend. He did tell me that he has feelings for me and he is very disappointed that this happened because of those feelings. Why is this issue so huge? We've talked about it and he invited me to his house. We sat and watched movies and he eventually invited me to snuggle with him and stay the night (no sex though). The next morning we talked some more and he just said that he needed some space and I told him that I would give it to him. That day, he came to my office and had small talk and he invited me out for a drink after work. When we left drinks, he wouldn't even look at me. Now a couple days later, he won't talk to me or return my text messages. Do I just need to be patient, or is he done with me? I wrote him a letter telling him all of my feelings and apologizing, but I don't know if he has read it. I can't stop thinking about him
The Answer
You don't need to be patient. You need to be annoyed by his rudeness and move on.
Yes, lying is not okay, and it's understandable it particularly worried him. However, he continued to give you mixed signals, and his current behavoir is deeply rude and unkind.
Radio silence after several months of dating is cowardly and simply not okay.
Is he done with you? Probably. But given how he has treated you recently, you can certainly be done with him now as well.
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