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Is this abuse?
I was wondering if the following constitutes verbal/emotional abuse when committed by a parent.
- Name calling/yelling often
- Neglect/ Not being spoken to for a while
- Having standards that make the child feel bad
- Manipulation
- Talking badly about the other parent to get pity
- If the child lives in fear of being physically abused
- If the child feels unloved or like the parent simply cannot be pleased
Emotional/verbal abuse/neglect are hard to identify since you can't see the scars. And I was wondering if all of these must be present for it to be abuse.. or just some of them? Does anybody know? Thank you very much.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Abuse is really about the intensity of the behavior.
There are two questions you are actually asking:
The first is: Is this okay?
The second is: Does this qualify, under the letter of the law, as child abuse?
Abuse is even harder to define when you are dealing with teenagers, because most young people will honestly report that at some points in their lives they felt their parents had standards they could never meet, and could never be pleased. Most will feel manipulated or neglected; most will feel their parents aren't emotionally supportive.
Some of what you’ve described will happen, in the normal course of growing up and dealing with normal parent-teen relationships.
Being rude isn't a crime. Being an asshole isn't a crime. Sometimes, unfortunately, nasty assholes have children and behave perfectly legally, but very badly towards those children.
So your question as two answers:
Is this okay? No. Name-calling, hopelessness and ignoring are not okay parenting tactics. A parent shouldn’t be inspiring these feelings or behaving that way towards their child. It’s not acceptable. It’s not right. Manipulation against a co-parent is also not okay, at all. But those things are also not criminal.
Does this qualify, legally, as child abuse? Probably, but we don’t have quite enough information here when you list it in this way. Like a few others have said: as individual points, most don’t exactly qualify. Living in fear of physical violence, if none ever materialized, might not even make the cut as abuse by some definitions. As individual points, they suggest bad, rude, asshole-ish parenting, but not abuse. However, taken as a whole, you are reporting a pattern of behavior that is extensive and persistent enough that it likely qualifies under the law, as child abuse.
So what do you?
You sound as though you are a young teen, so the best thing you can do is open up to adults you can trust, and ask for their help in pursuing other living arrangements either with another parent or family member, or with friends. Your home environment may or may not be one where the law will get involved, but adults around you can help to make that call, and even if the behavior isn’t criminal - it doesn’t mean you have to just live it. There might be better situations for you with family or friends, and you shouldn’t be ashamed or afraid to start looking for one.
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Looked at one at a time my answer would be no. Looked at together and my answer would be a qualified yes along with the fact that it appears you are in a dysfunctional family; which is in itself a form of abuse. Whether this rises to the legal definition in your state is a question you need to get answered.
Lets look at your list of questions to qualify them:
1. Name calling/yelling often: Would depend on what you are being called and how derogatory that may be.
2.- Neglect/ Not being spoken to for a while: A definite yes, this is mental abuse.
3.- Having standards that make the child feel bad: Again this would fall in the realm of mental abuse.
4.- Manipulation: Needs a better explanation to quantify.
5.- Talking badly about the other parent to get pity:Playing one parent against the other is not child abuse but is poor parenting.
6.- If the child lives in fear of being physically abused: This is a big one and yes this is abuse. No child needs to live in fear of physical abuse from a parent or anyone else for that matter.
7.- If the child feels unloved or like the parent simply cannot be pleased: As much as I would like to see this one meet the legal definition of child abuse, it does not. No child should be made to fell unloved. This to me is definitely poor parenting. I would like to believe that a parent, no matter how bad they parent still, loves their children.
The additional information you provided does not meet the legal definition of child abuse but adds to my feeling you are in a dysfunctional family.
The things that you wrote about that bother me the most are,by the number assigned, 2, 3 and 6 with number 6 worrying me the most. The best thing you can do is to talk to a trusted teach or your school principal just as you have to us. If they see you are being abuse, in danger or in a dysfunctional home they are legally obligated to take specific action as outline by the school board and the laws of the state you live in.
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I took a family violence class once and it was very interesting about what I found out. I might be able to help out with this question.
- Name calling/yelling often
Name calling is never a good thing to do to anyone let alone your own child so yes this can be considered abusive and harmful. Yelling is on the border. Parents can get angry and yell...do you remember a time where you got angry and yelled at someone? Was what you did abusive?
- Neglect/ Not being spoken to for a while
This is more childish then abusive it's not really harmful. This is what a child would do to their friend this behavior is not considered abusive.
- Having standards that make the child feel bad
I'm not sure what you're talking about here. Are there things that the parent does on purpose to the child?
- Manipulation
This can go under mind games which to someone people can be abusive. There are some people that can manipulate you into doing things but that doesn't necessarily mean they are abusive.
- Talking badly about the other parent to get pity
That's not abusive, that's a parent playing the 'victim' card and wanting for someone to have pity on them or have sympathy for them. Although it is not a good behavior to have it is not abusive.
- If the child lives in fear of being physically abused
Then clearly that is abusive if the child is scared of being physically hurt.
- If the child feels unloved or like the parent simply cannot be pleased
Not so much abusive its more based on their behavior!
- Unavailable with emotional problems. Laughs it off or refuses to discuss things at length or give advice. Won't talk about problems with communication or care that the child feels there is no relationship.
Again that's more of a behavior!
Abuse is a state where you feel threatened and feel degraded by someone. Most of the things you listed were behaviors which don't count as abuse. Someone can be self destructive more so to themselves than to you but if there is a physical and mental abuse involved then clearly there is abuse present in the relationship.
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Yeah I mean I went through it and I didn't have all of those but there was enough to consider it absue to me. In my case it was: Name calling, certain areas of things are never good enough, manipulation, control, yelling and false accusations, lack of affection, stuff like that...I mean the hard part is when you have a generally good parent but they have some abusive ways. This tends to be the case with abuse a lot of times. So I mean my mom was great and I would never replace her but that doesn't change the fact that she was verbally abusive and manipulative. So you gotta do what you feel. Go check out the Psychological Workbook section of Borders and Barnes and Noble and look up stuff on parental abuse and go from there, that's what I did.
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Yeah, that sounds pretty text book. Separately many of those things can be abuse and piled together it's an ugly family situation.
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