|
Never Allowed To Talk
I have a girlfriend who has a serious kinky fetish she finds very erotic. She can't seem to stop putting her hand over my mouth AND keeping it there. She does this dozens of times to me throughout the day, especially in open public and at the movies. Usually it is to keep me quiet so she can talk. I am expected to sit quietly and not touch her hand. But there is a definite foreplay/sexual overtone to it that I do appreciate.
She especially likes to do it in front of others and strangers, most often her girlfriends. And once her hand is clamped over my mouth, she doesn't seem to know when to let go! Her girlfriends see it as cute, affectionate, intimate, and sexual. She has even invited a few of her girlfriends to do this to me and several of them have been doing so!
I asked her why she does it. She said that covering my mouth allows her to feel in control and dominant as a woman. She calls it girl-power. In truth, I don't really mind it because her hands are very pretty, soft, sweet-scented, and clean. And it does feel very erotic and intimate to let her control my speech.
But there are times I would like to be able to talk and be heard or understood. Having your girlfriend's hand over your mouth every day for long periods of time with orders not to speak certainly does put her in control. And sometimes she expects me to talk while she keeps her hand in place for her own amusement!
I really love her and don't want to end the relationship over this. But she says she cannot stop the behavior because doing it in front of others gives her a heady rush of sexual excitement and disciplinary control. Some might call her fetish controlling, rude, immature, and inconsiderate.
Is there a way I can better appreciate or understand her hand-over-mouth habit? Is this normal affection and intimate foreplay? Is it appropriate for her girlfriends to do this to me too? I cannot get her to stop and in general, I don't dislike her habit--especially in private. But I would like to be able to talk sometimes and not be so controlled. Is there a balance?
Any thoughts on her fetish and how to modify or live with it without making a big deal out of it? Thanks for any wisdom or insight you may have.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Here is what you do: you ask her if you can schedule a time to talk about whatever issues you have and that is when you air your grievances. Write them down as they come to mind for when she allows you to discuss them. Otherwise, be quiet like a good little subbie boy and obey your Mistress.
That last sentence is said half in jest, but that is really what she wants. She is humiliating you in front of her girlfriends and you seem fine with it. That's cool, but keep in mind that the BDSM world is obsessed with protocol, so you two have to discuss what your own protocol and limits as a couple will be.
]
EDIT:
I'm glad I was able to help, and please do feel free to send me a question to my inbox. I don't claim to be an expert by any means, but I do hope you can help your girlfriend recognize how important consent is in this sex practice... Your consent and her friend's consent. Many people who like power play don't realize that just because they aren't beating people with whips doesn't mean they don't have a responsibility to absolutely, 100%, make sure, that the act is consensual for EVERYONE, even just those who are watching the act. The same rules and respect must apply to restricting your ability to speak, that would apply to tying you to the bed or flogging you.
-
I think it's important you realize that this isn't a case of 'needing a little modification' or 'not a big deal'.
This is a huge, deal breaking, problem.
Not the fetish. A fetish is just fine. It's not that your girlfriend's FETISH is controlling, rude, immature, and inconsiderate. The fetish isn't making her behave that way. She IS behaving that way. She is utterly failing to control herself and engage with her fetish in a respectful and consensual way.
And you need to tell her so. In very plain terms. This is not a moment to better appreciate her position of "I can't help myself but disrespect you and sexualie our exchanges in public..."
It's fine to respect and appreciate her desires and pleasure, but you can't do that as the expense of basic decency in her interactions with others.
A fetish is not an excuse. It doesn't give her a pass on being rude or disrespectful. She can control herself, and if she want to be in a relationship with you, she needs to do so, sooner rather than later.
Your girlfriend is breaking every cardinal rule in dominance play: She is involving others in her sex acts without their direct consent and she is not listening to her partner's boundaries and concerns.
It's tough - if you genuinely enjoy this power play AND you'd like it to continue in some form - then it's tough to ride the line between how firmly she needs to be told that she is not behaving in an acceptable way (she isn't) and that you don't necessarily need her to stop all together.
An easy step forward might be to establish a 'safe' sign or secret word. A way for you to say, in public without having a fit or biting her hand, that you are not interested in playing right now. That now is a moment when you need to speak freely.
Frankly, you also need to talk to her about how she engages others in this play. Given how she is treating you, she ought to re-evaluate the comfort level (and the implied/direct consent) of those around her when she does this. She wouldn't remain a friend of mine for very long if she choose to behave this way all the time around me.
It's fine to have a fetish. It's great to have a partner (and friends!) that enjoy it right along with you.
It is not okay to hide behind your fetish and justify rudeness and disrespect.
Your girlfriend has crossed that line big time.
Really, please do take a really firm position with her. This behavoir is not okay, and it will poison her relationships with others if she doesn't take a look at the bigger picture.
]
It may be something you like and are okay with but I think her behavior is little excessive. I would sit down and explain to her that you don't mind her doing it but you feel that in public is a bit much. If someone did that to me whether I being okay with it or not I'd be a bit annoyed that they would carry their fetish to wherever I go especially in public where to me would be a little embarrassing.
To answer your bottom part of the question: I would say it's fine if she does it but I would keep this sort of stuff to where you two are alone, Not carrying it out in public and in front of friends where it tends to get a little inappropriate. If you two agreed to have a friend over that would be fine but in public I really would start to get annoyed and irritated if someone covered my mouth constantly. You should sit down and discuss this with her and ask her to tone it down a little bit, Fetishes are fine but com'on in public? That's overboard dude
EDIT: I didn't treat you like a child, You asked a question I gave you what I thought based on what YOU wrote. If you don't like nor can't handle it that is really not my problem.
]
More Questions: |