Siren_Cytherea's advice column

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Q: Hi, I saw one of the answers you posted and I really loved your advice. I was wondering if you could give me some if you have the time.
I am 6'4 and weigh 160 which I've been really trying hard to get down. As for exercise, I can walk around my community around 5-6 times (about 1 and 1/2 miles) and that's all I have time for unfortunately. I guess what I'm wondering is what would you recommend, such as foods to eat and at what times during the day. I'm sorry I'm completely clueless and all the information i've seen from websites end up contradicting itself.

If you can, please help me!

thank you for reading! it's greatly appreciated!

Hi there.
I'm not sure whether you're a guy or a girl, and it does make a difference.
I can say, though, that if you're a guy and you're 6'4" and 160 pounds, you definitely don't need to lose weight at all. You could probably use to build some muscle and tone up, but losing weight doesn't need to be your goal. In fact, if you're 160 and 6'4", you're actually underweight.
However, if you're 6'4" and weigh 260, I can help you out.
I don't want to make any assumptions about your gender. Could you let me know whether your a guy or a girl, and if you meant 160 or 260? I'll give you more detail once you help me clear things up.
Talk to you soon!
-Siren =)

[Edit]:
http://www.rush.edu/rumc/page-1108048103230.html
^Take a look at that. 160 is actually right around where you should be. If you're 6'4", you have to realize that you're going to weigh a little bit more than shorter people. If you weighed 120, you'd look like a skeleton and you'd be seriously undernourished. If you're not as toned up as you'd like to be, however, here are some tips:
Cardio is good for aiding in fat-burning. Jogging and vigorous walking work the same muscles, so don't feel like you're not getting a good workout if you're not running. Pushups are good, too - you can do those anywhere. Just make sure you have good form (flat back, arms squared off, etc), and don't overdo anything. Crunches are also good, but they don't actually help eliminate stomach fat, they just strengthen core muscles.
As far as foods, lean protein, fruits, veggies, and whole-grain complex carbs. Some refined sugar is fine, just make sure it's all in moderation. To boost your metabolism, try eating small balanced meals every three hours. It'll be a little odd at first, but it does help. The only problem is when you do that, you start actually needing to eat every three hours. That's good, it means your metabolism is speeding up.
If your community has any kind of gym, you should consider joining. There are some workouts out there that are extremely effective and only take half an hour or so.
I'm doing this minimalist workout that's three different sets of supersets (one exercise straight into another) with 45 seconds of rest between sets, and it's one of the best fat-burning workouts I've ever done. I'm in and out of the gym in half an hour if I don't stretch or add any other routines to this one.
It requires some machinery though.
Let me know if this is helpful. If you have any other questions, drop another one in my inbox to make sure I see it.
Good luck!
-Siren =)

Q: okay so me nd my boyfriend of almost 6 months is engaged and we love eachother so much he treats me amazin nd he is my whole world we fight alot but we always get passed them because of how much we love eachother nd everything...but there is one his family dont like me the treat me nice to my face but behind my back they say the worst things i could think of i mean i really love my boyfriend but i am kinda gettin sick of his family alyways talking crap about me like they no me.......i never get to see my boyfriend and when i do its only for like 1 hour......they walk all over him like he is trash and thinks that he is there slave and he is 18 years old and i feel really bad i dont want to lose him i love him way to much i dont kno what i would do with out my baby he is my everything....i could really use some help here
Thank you so much

What you have to realize here is that this is YOUR relationship. If you love this guy, if you really want to be with this guy, you HAVE to get past his family. Not everyone will marry into a perfect family. You have to take the bad with the good if you want to be a permanent part of his life.
I might suggest that you ask his family to sit down and talk to you and him. If you two are seriously engaged, the lines of communication MUST be opened. Maybe there's some misconception going on, maybe his family doesn't understand your relationship. Or, you could ask him to say something to his family. If they don't know what's going on with the two of you, they need to, and they need to accept you. They don't have to love you - they don't even have to like you (though that would be nice, I feel your pain) - but they do have to accept that you're going to be a part of this guy's life whether they like it or not, because you two love each other. You can't control your heart, nor should you have to.
In a nutshell, open your mouth. Talk to them. Be blunt, be honest, let them into your inner circle. I know his family is important, and what they think is therefore important to you, but you may just have to look past that, and come to some sort of compromise with them. But you have to come to it WITH THEM.
Feel free to keep me updated with this if you want someone to talk to who's been in a similar situation.
If not, good luck!
-Siren =)

Q: are there any diet pills or anything like that...that actually works and doesnt harm you?

I have been eating healthy and working out regularly and im getting no where...I just need a jumpstart or something

Okay, I'm gonna say flat out that phycobitch is absolutely wrong. Ignore that advice. Skipping meals isn't a diet technique, it's indicative of the beginnings of anorexia, the perfect path to malnutrution, and a deeper problem.
If you skip meals and don't get enough calories, your body goes into starvation mode, where it stores everything you put into it because it doesn't know when it's gonna get its next dose of nutrients.
If anything, you want to eat small meals every 3-4 hours. Keep your diet balanced. Eat sweets. Eat breads, but don't make them the biggest part of your food intake. If you're working out regularly, you want to be getting a lot of lean protein, veggies, and fruits. You need complex carbs (starches) for energy, so don't cut those out.
I speak from experience, here. I used to be 5'4" and about 140. Now I'm 120, and I have a lot of lean muscle. I run, though. Running is kind of my cure-all.
Anyway. If you're getting nowhere, try eating more often. Count your calories on a normal day of eating and find out how many you're really getting. My biggest problem for a long time was that I wasn't getting ENOUGH. My body was storing things because it didn't feel that it could comfortably burn. Now I eat around 2,000 calories a day and I run at least a mile every day, and I'm in the best shape of my life.
Don't buy diet pills. They can cause heart problems, anxiety disorders, insomnia, and depression, among other things. Do it naturally, you'll be much happier with your results, and they'll last.
If you'd like a more detailed response, drop one in my inbox and let me know how you're eating and working out and I'll try to help you figure out what's wrong so you can get what you want.
If you choose not to contact me, I wish you the best of luck.
-Siren =)

Q: 18/f

I'm in college, and I want to get my roommate something nice for the holidays because a lot of us are exchanging gifts. All of us, except for her, celebrate Christmas. She grew up in a Jewish household, so she celebrates Hanukkah.

Would it be okay to still get her a "holiday" gift. Would I just write Happy Hanukkah on the card?

We're doing a secret Santa, too. Should we invite her to participate or just leave it since she doesn't do Christmas?

What's the etiquette for that?

As long as she's not orthodox, it's perfectly acceptable to invite her to play secret Santa. I doubt she'll be offended, unless you know her to be offended by mention of anything non-Jewish or sacred. Secret Santa has turned into a pretty secular tradition over the years, though.

As for the "holiday" gift, as long as you don't buy her a wreath, get her a figurine of Mary, or write "MERRY CHRISTMAS, PRAISE JESUS!" on the card, you shouldn't run into any trouble.

An excuse for gift-giving is an excuse for gift-giving. There's no reason for someone to be left out of the festivities because he or she doesn't celebrate the same holiday as you do. She still celebrates a holiday. If you're worried she'll think you're being rude, ask her about her traditions. Let her teach you a little bit about her holiday and celebrate with her, and then you can invite her to do the same with you guilt-free. If she chooses to decline the secret Santa invitation based on religious issues, then that's fine. There's nothing insulting about being asked to play a game.
If you're still concerned, do a little Hanukkah research of your own to make sure whatever gift you'd like to get her is appropriate. But I do encourage you to use common sense in this.
I also wanted to note that I'm impressed you spelled Hanukkah correctly, and that you have such concern for your roommate's beliefs. Very kind of you.
Happy Holidays! ^_^
-Siren =)

Q: this isn't really and advice question. well it kind of is...
basically if you've ever been in love, id like to hear about how you met the right person, y you fell in love, and basically a quick summary of what happened and how/if it ended...i need a few stories, and please they have to be true! if you leave your story it'll be worth your time =) thank you!!!!!!!!!!!

My story started out in kind of a funny way. I met this guy, Brian, in my freshman year of college. He was in three of my classes, or something, and the only other person I'd met in my age group with perfect pitch like me (basically, it's the ability to hear a pitch played on a piano and know what note it is, or sing any note on the right pitch at all times). So, I started talking to him. We hung out a few times, and he came over to my dorm to study music theory with me one night (we were both music majors). His brother, Jeremy, tagged along...and we hated each other.
Jeremy and I shot insults at each other all night, and wound up talking on line a few nights later. After a few conversations, Jeremy said I was boring and told me never to IM him again. I said fine, and took him off my buddy list. Ten days later, he IM'd me and we started talking again. Among these conversations were jokes, things like "you're just saying that because you want me," and other similar things, none of which either of us took seriously.
One night around mid December, he picked me up and took me to a 24-hour coffee shop. We spent all night there, talking. Around 8 in the morning, he went to drop me off at my dorm, and I suggested he crash with me for a few hours, considering I had two beds in my room. He laid down in mine. I thought nothing of it, as I have a lot of guy friends and they're all pretty cuddly people (I just figured he was one, too), and laid down next to him. As we lay there, I heard his heart begin to pound. I lifted my head from his chest, asking if he was okay. He just nodded and smiled a little. I laid back down on his chest and his heart pounded harder. Next thing I knew, he was kissing me and I was kissing back. I wasn't even aware that I liked him until the moment our lips met.
We dated for seven months after that, then "broke up" due to some depression issues on his end. But we never really broke up. We got closer and closer, and he was still calling me his girlfriend, and I was still telling guys "sorry, I'm taken."
We connected that night at the coffee shop more deeply than I could ever imagine connecting with someone. Even now, when we touch, it's electric. When we kiss, the feeling of absolute affection, understanding, and compassion is overwhelming. I trust him more than I could ever trust anyone, and he trusts me. We know each other like the back of our hands, and can't imagine life without that. Even if we fight, and believe me we have fought. I've even written him a goodbye letter and told him I didn't want to see him ever again. Even through the hard times, we have been there for each other, and we have loved each other. No matter what we fight about, we still hug at the end of the night. We are not currently "together," but we're most certainly not apart. As far as I'm concerned, it hasn't ended yet. Not until one of us starts dating someone else.
That's my story. Hope it was worth your read.
-Siren =)

Q: Hello, I am a 23-year-old female and I am having trouble regulating my sleep schedule.
My body clock has become backwards and it's been like this for months now. I can't sleep at night and I feel awake and then I fall asleep at the latest 7am and wake up at 4pm. These are the days where I don't have to get up for work at my part time job and it's hard to function with such lack of sleep. I've tried going to bed regular time between 10pm-1am but I just toss and turn or get no more then 2-3 hours sleep. On my days off I seem to sleep solid in the day time. I've tried everything to turn it around: pulling all nighters and forcing myself through the day in hopes that my body will just collapse from exhaustion and I've also tried just laying there in bed in attempts to fall asleep.
I've suffered from depression for years and I find it's affecting that as well as every aspect of my life.
What should I do? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

-Emily

Emily, I strongly suggest asking your regular doctor if he knows anyone who does cognitive sleep therapy.
I doubt anyone here will be able to solve your problems the way a cognitive sleep therapist could, but I can give you a few suggestions. I don't know if you're doing these things already, but here's what I was told when I went to go see a neurologist:
*First, use your bed ONLY for sleep. (...Well, and...OTHER things. I don't know if you have a boyfriend (or a girlfriend)...but...that's allowed, too. Ahem.) You need to get your body to associate bed with sleep and relaxation. So, at night, when you're NOT tired and can't fall asleep within - I think the doctor I talked to said - half an hour of laying down, get out of your bed. Keep your lights dimmed, and do something relaxing in another room, like reading, or writing, or drawing...
*Second, keep your bedroom quiet. Get your TV out of there if you have one, take any stereo you have and put it somewhere away from your bedroom. Anything electronic (aside from your alarm clock) probably involves bright lights, and can detract from your ability to sleep.
*Third, along those lines, keep your room DARK. No night lights, no digital clocks blaring in your face (if you need a digital clock, I might suggest getting one that doesn't use bright red light, and turn it away from your face. Red's not a good color for relaxation).
*Fourth, the doctor told me it's bad to have a clock in your room. You can keep your cell phone somewhere away from you where you can't open your eyes and see how long you've been laying in your bed awake. You need to lose your sense of "omg, I've been awake so long and haven't fallen asleep!" so I suggest trying to get rid of any clock you can clearly see from your bed.
*Fifth, before you go to sleep, take every measure possible to relax yourself. Drink a cup of decaffeinated tea, drink warm milk, cuddle a kitten, read a chapter of your favorite book - anything that WON'T stress your body out. (Along those lines, if you work out, work out early in the day so the adrenaline won't affect your sleep. I had this problem, too.)
*Sixth, set your alarm for the same time EVERY SINGLE DAY. If you have to get up at 8am to get ready for your part-time job and get there on time on the days you work, wake up at 8am on the days you don't work, too. Even if you haven't slept much. Don't sleep in. Train your body to sleep within a certain time period.

Believe me, I know, easier said than done, but from reading your question, it sounds like you're not giving your body the right guidelines. You're trying to sleep whenever you can, which I totally understand, but what you've gotta do is sleep when you need to. Give yourself a 7-9 hour block in which it would be non-disruptive for you to sleep. As I suggested, if you have to get up at 8am, start sleeping at, say, midnight, if you want 8 hours. Even if you don't REALLY sleep at midnight, set your alarm for 8 every single day. Get up at 8. Don't let yourself take naps, don't sleep earlier than 12, don't get up later than 8, even if you don't have to get up that early. Eventually, your body will bend to what you want it to do. In theory, that is.
And, not that I advocate the use of drugs, but you might want to invest in some nyquil, tylenol pm, or benadryl. They're all over the counter meds (benadryl is actually an antihistamine, but works wonders as far as making its taker drowsy), and they might help you fall asleep when you need to so that you can get used to waking up when you have to, and falling asleep when you need to.

Again, I strongly suggest you speak to a cognitive sleep therapist, a neurologist - there could be a physical reason you can't sleep - or anyone who might help you medically with this problem. Your depression could definitely play a big part in this, but to control this situation, you really do need a doctor, not a pool of advice columnists.
I hope you found some of the help you needed in my answer - if not, I hope you find the help you need.
-Siren =)

Q: i would really appreciate it if i could get some oppinions on my writing.
tell me things i could do better,
actually
if i just down right suck,
go for it and tell me.

and you left. you left almost as easily as you submitted, only with out hesitation. i remember watching you walk. no, run. i remember watching you run, attempting to fleet, as swift and quick as you possibly could. an inconceivable scene layed out for a perplexed mind. i was baffled. But skeptical. I would wait, until you returned, only to take me into your arms. Your strong, warm arms. and confide to me, how sorrowful you were, to leave me here, secluded. I was sure you would return.

And so a week came and passed. Still, i was assured your return would come hastily. I found my self often drifting into revere. I dreamed of you coming back. How relieved i felt, as i would see you stampede down from the hill that foreparted me. You so anxious. Your keen eyes, set on me. As you would come closer, i would see your smile. as exultant as any human being could possibly be. And then you would kiss me, with lips i have grown acustom to. The lips ive been craving for, the only set of lips I wish to touch.

And then, i was startled. Cold, hard hands shook me from my revere. I was almost dissapointed, untill I looked up and saw your face. I stumbled up, and held you. my face burried in your chest, as tears dripped from my eyes. I went to look up at your face, sure to see you smiling back at mine. But you were expressionless as you focused at the twilight sky. I stared at you, untill you met my gaze. You sort of shook me off you and continued to leer. I was puzzled, as i continued to stare up at you. Your clandestine expression, let on nothing, so i whispered to you, "whats wrong?" you finally looked down at me. Your face now looking pained, as your lips parted and you whispered back, " I...I need to leave." You attempted to walk away, untill i clutched you by the arm, and turned you back around to face me. You looked scared, and unsure, it terrified me. I was nervous, my skin was crawling, and for a second i wanted to cup my hand over your mouth. I didnt want to know, didnt know what i was getting myself into. I waited a minute, and then another, untill i couldnt wait any longer. I was so anxious, i could hardly breathe now. tears crawled down my face, and gathered at my chin, as they then decent to the ground below. Their pace quickend as you continued to say nothing, to convey nothing. Your gaze then followed to the ground in back of you. I turned you back around to look at me, and stuttered, " Please..", under my breathe. You sighed, and took a deep breathe, my heart pounding so quick, i was afraid it would rend right out of my chest, killing me, before i even knew what you needed to say. Another minute passed, and it seemed like hours untill you finally spoke," I can't stay here. I can't...stay..here.. here.. with you anymore.."

I then relized what you were trying to appoint. you didnt want me. No, No, of cource this is a joke. A cruel gag. I smiled through my tears and waited for you to hold me and assure me none of this was true. Though, as i waited, your expression didnt change. you still looked pained, and uncomfortible. I started to chuckle out loud. You looked confused. I began to howl, with laughter, so hard my stomach began to ache. Tears rolled down my checks once more. You looked scared and confused, your eyes hard. There was no amusment in them. You gave no reaction to my tantrum. You just looked away, ashamed to meet my gaze.I then realized, you weren't joking.

Then i couldn't breathe. Well, not so much i couldn't because i could, I was sucking in as much air as i could. I sucked and sucked, but it seemed as though air wouldn't satisfy my deflating lungs. Tears streamed down, faster then before. They leaked from my eyes, and fell much more rapidly to the ground. No,no..NO. You started to walk away as i grabbed your arm. " You cant do this to me ! how could you do this to me. Common, you cant leave me here alone. I'm..i'm.. NO" i nearly screetched at you, you shook me away. I grabbed you again " Please, please, just listen to me. What did i do wrong? what did i do? ill do anything to make it up to you.. Answer me, damnit!" i punched your chest, it obviously had no effect, because you continued to walk away. I grabbed you once more, and you struck me to the ground before i could plead with you . I watched you run, as i stayed pressed against the ground. I then bowed my head in between my arms. My face kissed the ground, and i wept. I wept untill my eyes were dry. I would have cried for days if i physically could.

I then lost my melancholic emotion. I felt no sorrow, i no longer felt depressed. I was livid. This overwhelming sense of anger settled apon me. I trashed about, kicking and screaming. Cursing. I punched the air, and threw myself to the ground. I was so tense, so depraved. My skin was crawling again, and i was anxious. I was anxious for you. I was anxious to hurt you as you hurt me. I desired having the power, to make you feel depressed, to make you weep as i wept. I continued this routine untill my body was bloody, and sore. I fell to the ground, languid and injured. As i lay on the ground, I relized how much easier it was to be angry, then sad. relized how much easier it was to hurt, then to be hurt. I then concluded i would never put myself in a situation where i could be hurt again.

I would stay secluded here. There was no one else adjacent. No one i could hurt, no one who could hurt me.

A profusion of emotions clobbered me. I could pick out the pattern in which they seemed to form. First, i would become depressed again. The simple sight of the hill, i imagined you running from, or the evening sky you stared apon, triggered these emotions. I would cry. I would cry all night, or all day, non stop. I couldn't stop, and i felt as though i had no controll over my body. I talked to myself. I shreiked at myself,assuring that everything would be okay, but if only i would stop crying ! I felt as though if there was any way i could get in contact with you, i could beg you, plead with you untill you would take me back. State all the reasons why i needed you. Then, I would become angry, once again. I would fume about. Sinister thoughts would fill my head, so many at the same time. I couldn't escape them, so i would venture through them. Images of me torturing you with my words, I could not make out. Seeing you fall to you knees, with your hands sheltering your face. You, wishing to retreat from my words, that seemed to hurt you so much. It almost delighted me.

I was so angry. I couldn't emphisize enough. I began to relize, how corrupt, and truculent humans are. Humans in general. How man could turn on another. How swiftly he could afflict pain. Uncorrupted he could feel afterwards, because he shed no blood. How untouched he could feel after divulging his brothers blood, only to be thankful no blood of his was shed.

In comparission, how you could leave me here to reel here in my pain. How you couldn't even look me in the eye and listen. Though, you may not change your mind. You couldn't just listen. So narcissistic you could walk away, knowing i was in pain, but it simply did not trouble you.

i realized,life is a wicked game. the object, to scourge pain before it can be afflicted on yourself. Your in this singlehanded, and no one can be trusted.

Just so you know, if you ask for an honest opinion, you're gonna get one from me. I'm about to graduate from college with a major in creative writing, so this is right up my alley.

You misuse more than a few words:
Scourge
fleet
revere
foreparted
appoint
Common
trashed
then (you meant "than")
your
depraved - this one, you need to look up. I don't think it works where you put it, but it might be what you wanted. However, given your misuse of the other words noted here, I'm going to assume you don't actually know what this one means, either.

You misspelled quite a few:
Oppion should be opinion
Acustom should be accustomed
ive should be I've
burried should be buried
quickend should be quickened
cource should be course
uncomfortible should be uncomfortable
screetched should be screeched
apon should be upon
controll should be control
emphisize should be emphasize
relize should be realize
comparission should be comparison
"under my breathe" should be "breath." To breathe is a verb. Breath is the noun.

Your grammar is off in more than a few places. "and you left" - First, you didn't capitalize "and". Secondly, you can't start a sentence, let alone a story, with "and".

"So narcissistic you could walk away, knowing i was in pain, but it simply did not trouble you." "I" needs to be capitalized, for one, and this sentence makes absolutely no sense. Read it aloud without the context and see if you understand it. Semicolons are good things. Research them. Use them.

In the very beginning, "as swift and quick" Adverb, please? QuickLY. That, and you really don't need both of those words, one would suffice. That's just one example of overuse.

"Your clandestine expression, let on nothing" - that comma does not belong there at all.
"You looked scared, and unsure, it terrified me." - first comma is unnecessary. Second comma should be a semicolon.

"The simple sight of the hill, i imagined you running from, or the evening sky you stared apon, triggered these emotions."
First, comma use again. Secondly, "apon"? Really? Spell-check isn't that difficult to use. Trust me.

"I shreiked at myself,assuring that everything would be okay,"
First, shreiked should be "shrieked." I before E, except after C, and except for a few exceptions.
SPACE after the comma.
Assuring...what? Who? You can't just assure. "I shrieked, assuring myself that everything would be okay."

"State all the reasons why i needed you."
Fragment. This sentence doesn't stand up in the context.
Also, "reasons why" is redundant. Most people don't know this, but it's the case.

Notes:

"You sighed, and took a deep breathe, my heart pounding so quick, i was afraid it would rend right out of my chest, killing me, before i even knew what you needed to say." Also, "adjacent."
I ALWAYS needs to be capitalized.
The thesaurus is not always your friend. Don't use big words if you don't know what they mean. Rend is unnecessary there. "Rip" or "tear" would've been absolutely fine there. Ever heard the saying, "less is more"?

"I didnt want to know, didnt know what i was getting myself into."
Once again, less is more. "I didn't want to know what I was getting myself into" would've been fine. USE apostrophes. Those ARE your friends, particularly when compound words are involved.

"Well, not so much i couldn't because i could, I was sucking in as much air as i could."
Repetition is bad. Three "could"s in one sentence doesn't work.

"A profusion of emotions clobbered me"
Once again, stop using the thesaurus. Start using the dictionary. Big words don't necessarily make prose more romantic or artistic, and they certainly don't make you a better writer.

"Seeing you fall to you knees,"
YouR knees.

"I couldn't emphisize enough"
couldn't emphasize WHAT enough?

"truculent"
I know you used the thesaurus for this one. Stoppit.

Quite frankly, this reads like a thirteen year old girl who was just dumped, is bitter about it, and is trying to use big words to make up for her lack of prose prowess. Any good writer writes what she knows. As far as the subject, you did a fantastic job. I remember feeling something similar when my first real boyfriend broke up with me. I felt abandoned, angry, and confused. But I didn't consider the fact that humans are "truculent," "depraved," or anything else that might have been on my vocab quizzes in English. I thought humans were fucked up, stupid, perverted, and corrupt.
I suggest you take this and write a different version of it - except this time, write the way you would talk if you were telling your best friend about this. Get to know your voice, it'll help. If you take my advice about the second version, feel free to send it my way. I'd be glad to read it over for you.
Good luck!
-Siren =)

Q: iF you step on a scale and it says yu gained weight, but u run everyday.
how do you know its muscle gain
and how would you kno its fat gain.
and approxiamatly how much weight would you gain if it was a weight gain of muscle?

A fantastic general rule is: Don't listen to the scale if you work out.
If you're running every day, there's no way you could be gaining fat unless the only things you eat are junk food.
Also, measure yourself. You know, bust, waist, hips. If you're the same size or smaller, chances are it's muscle gain and not fat.
Go with how your clothes fit, not how heavy the scale says you are.
Scales say I weigh between 125 and 130, but my measurements are 34-26-34.
Scales don't measure fat, they measure weight. Muscle weighs more than fat, so it's entirely possible that in gaining muscle and losing fat, you have gained weight. As long as you yourself are not bigger, you have nothing to worry about.
-Siren =)

Q: Okay, so, I'm young.
And no, it's SO not easy to lose weight, or, at least not for me.
I've been somewhat overweight all my life - in fact, the last time I was even relatively skinny, I was about 5 going into Kindgergarden, which is sad.
I don't even KNOW what it feels like to be that way.
I'm 13, going on 14 February 8th.
I've tried everything, diets, working out, even pills.
I really like this guy, and I wanna change to get more of his attention.
I also want to be like everyone else, and be healthy and happy, and actually not gag when I look in the mirror.
I don't really think I eat A LOT, I guess it's just what I eat and how much.
IF at all possible, I REALLY need a plan, diet rules and all that, because I. Am. Clueless.

I will owe you my life if you could help me at all.
PLEASEEE, Help.
I'd like fast results (ofcourse, we 13 year olds LOVE instant gratification) but seriously, before my 8th grade year is over and I start High School.

PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEEEE

Wow, you sound exactly like me when I was your age. All this stuff I'm gonna tell you is from personal experience. I'm in the best shape of my life, and this is what I (still) do.
Before I say anything else, let me tell you that to be really healthy, you need a healthy lifestyle. That means no short-term miracle diets, and you need to start exercising, whether it's a walk around your neighborhood every day or a ten mile jog (but I wouldn't start with the latter). A healthy lifestyle needs to be something you can keep up without much effort. So, since it's impossible for even health freaks like me to never touch chocolate again, don't cut ANYTHING out of your diet.
ANNNNNNNNYTHING. Eat half a cup of your favorite ice cream after dinner, even.
The trick to healthy eating is moderation. Not one pea, one grape, and one crumb, but small, single servings of things.
Also, you're thirteen. You can easily retrain your metabolism to work harder and faster. Part of that is exercise, but we'll get to that in a second.
To retrain your metabolism...(and this is the fun part,) eat small meals every three hours. Small meals could be anything from a bowl of cottage cheese and a peach to a chicken breast with a side of whole grain pasta and a small salad. Time yourself. If you're used to eating three big meals a day, you may not be hungry every three hours. Eat something anyway. That way your body can go, "Dude, what? Food? Again? Oh shit, better start absorbing it!" So then you eat something small, and your body gets ready for the next small serving.
One thing you must, must, MUST be wary of is your calorie count. Don't count to get fewer calories (unless you're eating 3,000 calories every day), count to get between 1,500 and 2,000.
Do yourself a favor and go find an on line Basal Metabolic Rate (BMR) calculator. Not BMI. If you exercise at all, BMIs are inaccurate. (ex: I'm 5'4" and 125 - but my measurements are 34 26 34. I'm really skinny because I run, and I have a lot of muscle mass because I used to lift weights every day with my guyfriends)
Oh, also, if you must drink soda, drink diet soda. Use skim milk if you drink milk. Get rid of whipped cream on top of your coffee (if you drink coffee at 13, I dunno. I think I did, but I can't remember.)
Anyway, continuing. I know this is a lot to take in, but I'm gonna try to sum it up as best I can.
As for the exercising. If you want to get rid of body fat, you gotta buckle down and do some cardio. That is, anything that gets your heart pumping. If you have a gym nearby, check out the treadmills, elliptical machines, stair climbers, etc. If not, start dragging a friend or two to go with you on walks around your neighborhood, or your city if you're up for it. I biked around my city once with my friend. We were exhausted, but it was really fun.
But for the love of whatever's up there/god, PLEASE don't push yourself too hard. When I first started running, I went three miles alternating running, sprints, and speedwalking on an indoor track every day, and gave myself a stress fracture that (my doctor said) would've broken clean through my bone if I'd run another lap.
Push yourself a little, but never do more than half an hour of cardio to start, and aim for two to three times a week at first. Then increase. You wanna get to 5 times a week, maybe 6, but don't do every day. Your body needs one day at least to heal up and recharge.
As I said, I know this was a lot to take in, so if you have any questions, feel free to drop one in my inbox, or go to my webpage.
Keep this stuff up and I promise you'll get the results you want.
Good luck!
-Siren =)

Q: 13/m
ok so ive got a big belly that sticks out and i want to know how to get rid of it other than taking medication such as doing sit ups every morning or somehting like that
thanks

Alin75 pretty much covered it, but I have a couple more suggestions for you - while a 500 calorie deficit is generally the way to go, you also have to make sure you daily calorie count doesn't drop below 1500 at the very least. If it does, your body starts storing everything you eat instead of burning it. Take one day and eat as you normally do. Keep a log of how many calories you have, and calculate it up at the end of the day. As long as subtracting 500 calories doesn't put you below 1500, subtract about a hundred calories for a couple days and get your body used to having less and working harder. The goal here is to shape up - not shock your system.
Diet and exercise go hand in hand. I'm not talking about one of those fad "diets," I'm talking about a healthy lifestyle. As long as you're working out, lean protein such as nonfat dairy products, chicken, eggs, and other lean meats should be the main focus of your meals/snacks. You also need fruits, veggies, and complex carbs like grains (but aim for whole grains). DO NOT cut anything out of your diet. You can even leave dessert in there, just make sure you have one serving. Measuring cups are your friends.
If you're 13, chances are you're still growing and changing and all that. That also means you can adjust your metabolism easily. So try eating small portions every three hours instead of three big meals a day. It'll force your body to work faster to burn what you give it, and it'll become more efficient at the burning as well.
You don't need to work out every day right off the bat, but if you want to get rid of some body fat, you need to buckle down and do some cardio. Starting out 2 or 3 times a week is the way to go if you aren't a gym rat. Start lightly, and don't overdo it, especially if you're running. (Speaking from experience, if you start off running three miles every day, you give yourself stress fractures. Not so fun.) Try to work yourself up to hitting the gym 3-5 days a week, though. Hell, go 6 days a week if you can take it.
Don't take fat burners or pills. Don't take shortcuts. Be patient, and work hard. You'll get the results you want, and they'll be permanent.
Good luck!
-Siren =)

Q: I have a Maine Coon cat and I've been feeding him Iams cat food since I found some Iams printable coupons online. He's my first Maine Coon cat (well, really my first cat) and when I went to the store I noticed that Iams had a variety of different cat food flavors. It made me very curious about what cats like to eat.

The Iams printable coupons I have do not specify which flavor I have to buy to get a discount (or free bag in a few cases) so I'm not limited to one particular flavor of Iams cat food. I really just want to make my Main Coon cat happy and healthy.

So, I was thinking about my Maine Coon cat and how I'd feel if I had to eat the same cat food every day. Basically what I want to know is if I should change his cat food every so often to give him a little change in his diet. Should I change brands or stay with Iams cat food? Should I buy two bags of Iams cat food and alternate them every other day for his benefit? Should I alternate between wet and dry cat food too or just stick with the dry Iams cat food I have been feeding him? Or am I completely wrong and they hate variety in what they eat?

Any information on how to properly feed a cat would be appreciated!

Cats are like people, each is different and has a different preference. One of my friends has two cats that won't eat anything but one kind of food every day, but my cat won't eat the same thing twice in a row. If I try to give her the same flavors of food two days in a row, she just doesn't eat the second day. It took me awhile to figure it out, her being my first cat, but now I get it. My baby is a kitten, so she needs a lot of food. I give her one can of wet food a day, once in the morning and once at night. I keep dry food out for her, but she's fine eating the same dry food every day. I also found a brand that I really like for her (Royal Canin makes fantastic kitty kibble, it even smells good to me) that keeps her fur soft and her breath fresh. I think she's getting a little sick of it, though, so I'm gonna try to find another flavor of that.
You'll know if your cat doesn't want to eat the same thing every day. If he doesn't seem excited about the food you're giving him he probably wants something different.
On the other hand, if he doesn't want any variety, then he might be confused about what you're trying to give him, and not want to eat anyway. Experiment. Get a couple different flavors, give them to him and watch his reaction.
Really, it depends on the cat.
As far as proper feeding, I've heard everything from don't give them wet food to give them wet food every day. They always need dry food, though. It has the most nutrients, it keeps them healthiest, and keeps their teeth clean. Dental treats are also good (I give my kitty feline greenies - you can get them at any pet store). My cat doesn't seem to be happy unless she gets wet food every day, though I'm trying to make sure I don't give her more than one can. I'd consult your vet to make sure your cat is getting enough nutrients if you're not sure.
But as long as his fur is nice and soft, and his nose isn't dried out or anything, he's probably fine. Listen. If he cries for food, even though he has a full bowl of dry food, give him some wet. If he won't eat the wet, give him fresh dry food. Your cat will find a way to communicate with you. They're smart like that.
Good luck!
-Siren =)

Q: okay I will keep this short I have written a book and I was wondering if you could tell me how I would go about tryin to get it published?
p.s. its a romance!!
any help is appreciated
lxx

You have two options:
Self-publishing, which involves a lot of money and doing all your own advertising, much like the columnist below me suggested. I personally don't recommend it, it's very expensive.

Or, (and this advice comes from a successful author friend of mine)

You can get a literary agent. No publishing houses take unsolicited manuscripts (not from an agent), so your best bet for that is to get a directory of literary agents from Borders or something and send out query letters. It's a long, drawn out process, but if you get a "yes" from an agent, they'll do pretty much everything for you except the writing. They also don't take money upfront, they take a percentage of what you sell, if your book is good enough to sell. So if an agent asks for payment, find someone else. Agents specialize genres just like publishers, so you want to find an agent who works with romance novels, and send a letter to them - a query letter is a one-page-long summary of your book, basically telling agents without actually telling them why they want to help you get your book published; what's unique about it, and why it would make good money. Some agents want excerpts from your book, some don't. I'd invest in the 2009 Writer's Handbook. It'll give you basically everything you need to know about getting your book published.
Good luck!
-Siren =)

Q: my friend is 16 and pregnant and shes my best friend, and shes thinking about abortion but like its her fault and the fathers, that she got pregnant what can i say to her to make her listen to other options like ive tried to bring it up but she keeps saying she wouldnt feel guilty and all this stuff
what should i do or say?

Best friend or not, this is NOT your decision to make. You need to back off and let your friend do what SHE feels is best for HER. She's sixteen, she can't afford in any way, shape, or form, to raise a child, especially in today's economy. Unless, of course, she's rich. In that case, by all means, try your hardest to convince her to have the kid and take care of it.
The most you can do is to ask her to really look into adoption. But then she has to be willing to go through the whole pregnancy, and the pains of childbirth. Pregnancy is difficult, though, even more so at the age of sixteen. It fucks with your body, your mind, your emotions, not even considering the possibility of complications from going through a pregnancy at such a young age. Not only that, but if she's ever had body issues (body dysmorphia, eating disorders, etc), they will be magnified by somewhere around a thousand.
Having a child means putting yourself second, no matter what. You have to be selfless to have a kid, whether you're going to raise it yourself or put it up for adoption. You have to eat right for the baby, you have to act right, you have to sleep right, etc...Not to mention the social issues she'd have were she to go through with this.
I personally think she's making the right decision here.
I understand the feelings behind the push for pro-life, but if the baby can't have a good life with its real mother, I'm pro-choice. It would be a different situation if the person in question were in her twenties with a job and a boyfriend and just decided "hey, I don't feel like having a kid right now."
Your friend is SIXTEEN. She has the rest of high school and college to go through. A baby would make everything so much more difficult than it already is.
As far as what to do or say, you're welcome to try to get your friend to see your side of things, but you also have to try to see her side of things. Put yourself in her shoes for real. If you still feel that you'd have it and give it up for adoption, then kudos on the bravery, but not all of us are like that, and you need to realize it.
So, in summary, you really have no say in this matter. This isn't your decision to make. The best thing you can do for your friend is to let her make the decision she feels is best. She needs your support right now, not your preaching. I'm sure she's getting enough of that from her family, if she's told them.
Help her, don't "help" her.
-Siren =)

[Edit] If I "dont even no", then you didn't include as much information as you needed to for us to analyze this question. She shouldn't be bragging about killing anything, you're right about that. But if she's bragging about killing the kid, then chances are she's aware of what she's doing.
I have done research and papers on abortion, not to mention looked into it for myself (just in case) and if anyone's not "educated by this topic enough," it's...well, not me. I'm graduating from college in may. I daresay I know quite a bit about human behavior and the way the brain works.
The keyword there is "MOST" women come out of it fucked up. Not ALL. Those who choose to have it done and can forget about it, after realizing that having a child at this point in their life would be NOT a blessing, but a mistake, are fine. In fact, I know two people who chose to have abortions very recently, and they're absolutely happy.
I stand by what I said the first time. You can help your friend by letting her do what she wants to do. Would you want someone pressuring you to kill your unborn baby when you wanted to give it up for adoption? Now flip it around...do you really think she wants someone pressuring her to give it up for adoption when she wants to abort it? Help her by being there for her. You can support her without agreeing with her.
Oh yeah, and a last note - if you're going to bash my education level, you might want to at least use the correct punctuation and grammar. If I had my red pen I could have a field day with your question and the "feedback" you gave me.

Q: I'm a senior in high school. I like to use long sentences in my writing with many commas, and I and also a big fan of the semi colon. I don't write long sentences for the sake of it, it's just something that comes naturally. However, I was told by a friend that your writing should be written as if it were being read out loud, so long sentences would not be practical and they actually hurt the writing.

Is this true?

Not necessarily. If you're writing dialogue, or something to be read aloud, then you're looking for something with short sentences that doesn't trip up the reader.
I'm getting my degree in writing, and there are many different styles, many different voices, and many different uses for each. In playwriting you use short sentences to create a natural dialogue, because it's meant to be spoken, not read silently.
There's a difference, however, between run-on sentences and long sentences. If you look at the way I write, I'm generally long-winded myself, but none of my sentences are run-ons. Run-on sentences constitute of two or more independent clauses, connected with no punctuation.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Run-on_sentence
That might help you understand.
So really, as long as you use correct punctuation in your writing, you don't have to worry about run-on sentences. In some cultures, long sentences are customary. French writing requires them.
On the other hand, I do suggest that you read your writing aloud to check for flow, to see if it makes sense. If you have a sentence that seems to go on and on and on and on for no reason, you might want to try to break it up.
Your friend isn't totally right, but they're not totally wrong, either.
Good luck!
-Siren =)

Q: I'm 16. I'm sexually active. I've been with 3 guys. I understand that I'm young, but thats not the point here.

I'm a chubby girl. I'm not exactly fat, but I do have a lot of pudge in my stomach area. Every other area of my body is fine except for my stomach, in my opinion.

When I'm having sex, I get really self conscious about my weight. That's why I refuse to be on top. I want the courage to be on top and to take control without being self conscious about my weight.

Besides losing weight, what are some things that I can do to feel more comfortable?

The columnist below me had some good points. I always used to hate my body. It got bad enough so that all I saw were the flaws, and didn't understand when guys liked me.
What you need to do, seriously, is stand in front of the mirror naked and make a list of at least ten things you love about your body. It can be anything from your figure to your toenails, big or small.
You even said every other area of your body is fine except for your stomach. So concentrate on what's good, not what's bad. When you're with a guy, I can almost guarantee that unless he's a perfectionist or a body builder, he's not gonna be staring at the little bit of pudge on your stomach. Guys don't think about that stuff when they're in bed, trust me. Also, leave the lights off at night. Then there's less focus on sight and more on sensation. Just a little helpful hint. ;)
-Siren

Q: I used to run a lot, almost everyday- sometimes even twice a day when I had time. Now, I'm taking harder classes in school and I have a very busy schedule with band and lacrosse. I still think it's important for me to run consistently because that's how I stay in shape for lacrosse. How can I manage my time better so that I can still run everyday without it cutting into my time for sleep? Any tips would be appreciated.

Time things out. You can manage your life and still run every day, I do. You may not be able to run quite as much as you want to every day, but you can change it up and do sprints, or run harder for a shorter amount of time.
I have four jobs, twelve college credits, a social life, and I run every day. I don't run for ten miles, but I make what I do count.
Get yourself a planner if you don't have one. When you're writing out your day, round your minutes up to the nearest half hour. I don't know if you're in high school or college, but if one day you have something like solid class from 7:30-2:30, band at 5 or so, you can be in your gym clothes ready to run at 2:30 so you have all the time you need to cool down until band starts (because you need air for that, generally). If you have lacrosse instead of band one day, don't run as much, because you're going to be very active in practice anyway - you'll get your cardio in.
Compact things.
Write out your times and STICK TO YOUR SCHEDULE.
Most importantly - get a planner you like, that allows you a lot of space to write in all the stuff you have to do.
Good luck!
-Siren =)

Q: hey i need some help here
ok my boyfreind is really freaking me out we've only been dating two months and he already wants to Marry me?? plus he argues and treats me like shit
but i dont have the heart to dump him. im not one to break peoples hearts
so i wanna get him to dump me unpainfully to him
any ideas

If you want to dump him, dump him. Speaking firsthand, there's nothing worse than being led on by someone with whom you're supposed to be in a caring, trusting relationship. Trying to get HIM to dump YOU is possibly the worst thing you can do. I've had it done to me, and it made me immeasurably angry. Not only that, but I forgot years after that I was the one to say "it's over," not him, because I felt like he dumped me. Either way, he's gonna be hurt and feel betrayed because the girl he's with doesn't want to be with him anymore, and that's something you have to accept.
My best advice to you is to try to talk things out before you outright end it. See what's really going through his head - he might think that the marriage stuff is what you want to hear, if he's inexperienced in a relationship.
Sit him down and say something like "hey, we need to talk. I know we've only been together for two months, but there are some problems, and I'd like to try to work them out."
This also depends on how old you guys are - in the future, age and gender are very helpful when dealing with relationship questions like this one.
When you two talk, make sure you focus on YOUR FEELINGS, not "what he's doing that's so wrong." You can throw in a little of the "You treat me badly," but make sure it's surrounded by "I feel." Example: "When you treat me badly, I feel hurt and disrespected, and it makes me question whether or not I want to keep this relationship going."
Keep in mind he's not a mind reader. Don't expect him to know anything.
But, if you two have spoken and he hasn't responded, then you need to sit him down anyway, and tell him "This just isn't working for me. We've talked about what's going on, and nothing has changed for the better. I'm sorry, but it's over." Short, sweet, and to the point is your best bet. But make sure you do talk to him as thoroughly as you can and do give him a chance to redeem himself if you haven't done either. You might make him aware that you're not going to stick around if his behavior doesn't change, though.
Good luck, I hope things work out.
-Siren =)

Q: is it better to have sex with lights on or off? dont give me the "it depends, or either" just sayy wich is better. lights on, or lights off.

It's really, honestly, a personal preference, and it does depend on a lot of factors. If you're nervous, lights off hands down. It takes the pressure off looking each other in the eyes, or staring if you don't mean to, etc. If you're comfortable with your lover, leave the lights on so you can see each other. If you don't want it to be a huge shindig, lights on so it's less of a big deal to set the mood, and all that.
Personally, I prefer to have the lights off as much as I can because my room gets pitch black and my favorite sense is touch...lol.
Then again, if you aren't familiar with each others' bodies, lights on might be good so you can see what you're doing.
Y'know? Whatever makes you feel more comfortable. Sex can be awkward, and there's no reason for it to be more so.
-Siren =)

Q: I work out everyday 50-60 minutes.[treadmille]
by the way im 13,and i eat like 3-4 times a day,small portions.
and im always ALWAYS dizzy
and whenever i stand up from sitting down
EVERYTHING turns black and i feel like im bout to faint. what does this mean?

You're not getting enough calories, that's what that means; you're not giving your body what it needs to function correctly. If you're eating small portions, you need to be eating every 3-4 HOURS, not 3-4 times a day.
If I ate the portions I do 3-4 times a day, I'd be having your problem, too.
Not only that, but you're probably burning more calories than you're supposed to, leaving yourself with too much of a deficit.
The small portions thing only works if you're still giving your body what it needs. You don't need to enlarge your portions, but you need to adjust your calorie intake.
Do yourself a favor and take one day to record how many calories you eat in one normal day with the 3-4 meals, and record how many calories you burned on the treadmill. At the end of the day, subtract the calories you burned on the treadmill from those that you ate, and see how many you're really taking in. If it's under 1500, and I have a sneaking suspicion that it is, you definitely need to eat every 3-4 hours, and adjust upwards to get to at LEAST 1500. At LEAST. I'd probably aim for 2000 if you're working out every day, but if you're getting under 1500 you'll have to work up to 2000 so your body doesn't freak out on you.
People are supposed to have 2000 calories a day, 2500 if they work out every day, generally. With the way I work out, I'd have to eat 2400 calories a day to maintain my weight.
Call it an experiment, do the calculations, then try eating more and see if your dizziness goes away.
Let me know what happens, will ya?
-Siren =)

Q: im 17 and ive been seeing my gf for almost 5 months she wants to take things further im a bit nervous my penis is really small and im a bit afraid to show her my penis she might laugh at me or might leave me do girls care much? will i be able to satisfy a girl?

It's a little known fact, but most girls don't get off from sex alone. It takes an extra...y'know...finger, or tongue, to really get her to go.
If you've been dating her for five months and she wants to take things further, I doubt she's gonna laugh at you unless she's a total bitch. But hey, if she does, she isn't worth your time, because there are plenty of girls who wouldn't.
Girls don't care nearly as much about penis size as guys do. Sex is usually more about the emotional aspect for a girl rather than the physical. I mean hey, orgasms are great, but the deal for her is that she wants to feel closer to you physically and emotionally.
As long as you make sure she gets off somehow, you don't have anything to worry about.
Have fun, be safe, ALWAYS use protection.
-Siren =)

bio

I'm a laid-back 26 year old with a Psychology BA, starting my MA program, and working my way into the field as quickly as I can. It took me an extra Bachelor's degree (in vocal performance and creative writing) to figure it out, but I was put on this Earth to help, to heal, and to love.

I have made the decision to dedicate my life and career to helping others. I am here to do just that.

I've been a member since 2004, and since I signed up, I've gone through quite a lot and learned quite a lot from it. I'm here to give guidance where I had none; no one should have to go through the difficulties I went through alone.

Feel free to visit my website/blog, if you want to read my experience with domestic violence and my thoughts on it.

***While I do tend to answer mental health and other health-related or medicine-related questions, I am by NO MEANS a licensed physician or practitioner of any sort. Any and all advice I give for these questions is from my own experience or studies.***

If you need to get a hold of me quickly, my screen name on AIM is SirenCytherea. Just let me know you found me here.

I'm a strong believer in the idea that there are no stupid questions except the ones left unasked, so, please, keep an open mind, heart, and mouth.

Siren