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honest oppion on my writing, please?
i would really appreciate it if i could get some oppinions on my writing.
tell me things i could do better,
actually
if i just down right suck,
go for it and tell me.
and you left. you left almost as easily as you submitted, only with out hesitation. i remember watching you walk. no, run. i remember watching you run, attempting to fleet, as swift and quick as you possibly could. an inconceivable scene layed out for a perplexed mind. i was baffled. But skeptical. I would wait, until you returned, only to take me into your arms. Your strong, warm arms. and confide to me, how sorrowful you were, to leave me here, secluded. I was sure you would return.
And so a week came and passed. Still, i was assured your return would come hastily. I found my self often drifting into revere. I dreamed of you coming back. How relieved i felt, as i would see you stampede down from the hill that foreparted me. You so anxious. Your keen eyes, set on me. As you would come closer, i would see your smile. as exultant as any human being could possibly be. And then you would kiss me, with lips i have grown acustom to. The lips ive been craving for, the only set of lips I wish to touch.
And then, i was startled. Cold, hard hands shook me from my revere. I was almost dissapointed, untill I looked up and saw your face. I stumbled up, and held you. my face burried in your chest, as tears dripped from my eyes. I went to look up at your face, sure to see you smiling back at mine. But you were expressionless as you focused at the twilight sky. I stared at you, untill you met my gaze. You sort of shook me off you and continued to leer. I was puzzled, as i continued to stare up at you. Your clandestine expression, let on nothing, so i whispered to you, "whats wrong?" you finally looked down at me. Your face now looking pained, as your lips parted and you whispered back, " I...I need to leave." You attempted to walk away, untill i clutched you by the arm, and turned you back around to face me. You looked scared, and unsure, it terrified me. I was nervous, my skin was crawling, and for a second i wanted to cup my hand over your mouth. I didnt want to know, didnt know what i was getting myself into. I waited a minute, and then another, untill i couldnt wait any longer. I was so anxious, i could hardly breathe now. tears crawled down my face, and gathered at my chin, as they then decent to the ground below. Their pace quickend as you continued to say nothing, to convey nothing. Your gaze then followed to the ground in back of you. I turned you back around to look at me, and stuttered, " Please..", under my breathe. You sighed, and took a deep breathe, my heart pounding so quick, i was afraid it would rend right out of my chest, killing me, before i even knew what you needed to say. Another minute passed, and it seemed like hours untill you finally spoke," I can't stay here. I can't...stay..here.. here.. with you anymore.."
I then relized what you were trying to appoint. you didnt want me. No, No, of cource this is a joke. A cruel gag. I smiled through my tears and waited for you to hold me and assure me none of this was true. Though, as i waited, your expression didnt change. you still looked pained, and uncomfortible. I started to chuckle out loud. You looked confused. I began to howl, with laughter, so hard my stomach began to ache. Tears rolled down my checks once more. You looked scared and confused, your eyes hard. There was no amusment in them. You gave no reaction to my tantrum. You just looked away, ashamed to meet my gaze.I then realized, you weren't joking.
Then i couldn't breathe. Well, not so much i couldn't because i could, I was sucking in as much air as i could. I sucked and sucked, but it seemed as though air wouldn't satisfy my deflating lungs. Tears streamed down, faster then before. They leaked from my eyes, and fell much more rapidly to the ground. No,no..NO. You started to walk away as i grabbed your arm. " You cant do this to me ! how could you do this to me. Common, you cant leave me here alone. I'm..i'm.. NO" i nearly screetched at you, you shook me away. I grabbed you again " Please, please, just listen to me. What did i do wrong? what did i do? ill do anything to make it up to you.. Answer me, damnit!" i punched your chest, it obviously had no effect, because you continued to walk away. I grabbed you once more, and you struck me to the ground before i could plead with you . I watched you run, as i stayed pressed against the ground. I then bowed my head in between my arms. My face kissed the ground, and i wept. I wept untill my eyes were dry. I would have cried for days if i physically could.
I then lost my melancholic emotion. I felt no sorrow, i no longer felt depressed. I was livid. This overwhelming sense of anger settled apon me. I trashed about, kicking and screaming. Cursing. I punched the air, and threw myself to the ground. I was so tense, so depraved. My skin was crawling again, and i was anxious. I was anxious for you. I was anxious to hurt you as you hurt me. I desired having the power, to make you feel depressed, to make you weep as i wept. I continued this routine untill my body was bloody, and sore. I fell to the ground, languid and injured. As i lay on the ground, I relized how much easier it was to be angry, then sad. relized how much easier it was to hurt, then to be hurt. I then concluded i would never put myself in a situation where i could be hurt again.
I would stay secluded here. There was no one else adjacent. No one i could hurt, no one who could hurt me.
A profusion of emotions clobbered me. I could pick out the pattern in which they seemed to form. First, i would become depressed again. The simple sight of the hill, i imagined you running from, or the evening sky you stared apon, triggered these emotions. I would cry. I would cry all night, or all day, non stop. I couldn't stop, and i felt as though i had no controll over my body. I talked to myself. I shreiked at myself,assuring that everything would be okay, but if only i would stop crying ! I felt as though if there was any way i could get in contact with you, i could beg you, plead with you untill you would take me back. State all the reasons why i needed you. Then, I would become angry, once again. I would fume about. Sinister thoughts would fill my head, so many at the same time. I couldn't escape them, so i would venture through them. Images of me torturing you with my words, I could not make out. Seeing you fall to you knees, with your hands sheltering your face. You, wishing to retreat from my words, that seemed to hurt you so much. It almost delighted me.
I was so angry. I couldn't emphisize enough. I began to relize, how corrupt, and truculent humans are. Humans in general. How man could turn on another. How swiftly he could afflict pain. Uncorrupted he could feel afterwards, because he shed no blood. How untouched he could feel after divulging his brothers blood, only to be thankful no blood of his was shed.
In comparission, how you could leave me here to reel here in my pain. How you couldn't even look me in the eye and listen. Though, you may not change your mind. You couldn't just listen. So narcissistic you could walk away, knowing i was in pain, but it simply did not trouble you.
i realized,life is a wicked game. the object, to scourge pain before it can be afflicted on yourself. Your in this singlehanded, and no one can be trusted.
[ ]
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Just so you know, if you ask for an honest opinion, you're gonna get one from me. I'm about to graduate from college with a major in creative writing, so this is right up my alley.
You misuse more than a few words:
Scourge
fleet
revere
foreparted
appoint
Common
trashed
then (you meant "than")
your
depraved - this one, you need to look up. I don't think it works where you put it, but it might be what you wanted. However, given your misuse of the other words noted here, I'm going to assume you don't actually know what this one means, either.
You misspelled quite a few:
Oppion should be opinion
Acustom should be accustomed
ive should be I've
burried should be buried
quickend should be quickened
cource should be course
uncomfortible should be uncomfortable
screetched should be screeched
apon should be upon
controll should be control
emphisize should be emphasize
relize should be realize
comparission should be comparison
"under my breathe" should be "breath." To breathe is a verb. Breath is the noun.
Your grammar is off in more than a few places. "and you left" - First, you didn't capitalize "and". Secondly, you can't start a sentence, let alone a story, with "and".
"So narcissistic you could walk away, knowing i was in pain, but it simply did not trouble you." "I" needs to be capitalized, for one, and this sentence makes absolutely no sense. Read it aloud without the context and see if you understand it. Semicolons are good things. Research them. Use them.
In the very beginning, "as swift and quick" Adverb, please? QuickLY. That, and you really don't need both of those words, one would suffice. That's just one example of overuse.
"Your clandestine expression, let on nothing" - that comma does not belong there at all.
"You looked scared, and unsure, it terrified me." - first comma is unnecessary. Second comma should be a semicolon.
"The simple sight of the hill, i imagined you running from, or the evening sky you stared apon, triggered these emotions."
First, comma use again. Secondly, "apon"? Really? Spell-check isn't that difficult to use. Trust me.
"I shreiked at myself,assuring that everything would be okay,"
First, shreiked should be "shrieked." I before E, except after C, and except for a few exceptions.
SPACE after the comma.
Assuring...what? Who? You can't just assure. "I shrieked, assuring myself that everything would be okay."
"State all the reasons why i needed you."
Fragment. This sentence doesn't stand up in the context.
Also, "reasons why" is redundant. Most people don't know this, but it's the case.
Notes:
"You sighed, and took a deep breathe, my heart pounding so quick, i was afraid it would rend right out of my chest, killing me, before i even knew what you needed to say." Also, "adjacent."
I ALWAYS needs to be capitalized.
The thesaurus is not always your friend. Don't use big words if you don't know what they mean. Rend is unnecessary there. "Rip" or "tear" would've been absolutely fine there. Ever heard the saying, "less is more"?
"I didnt want to know, didnt know what i was getting myself into."
Once again, less is more. "I didn't want to know what I was getting myself into" would've been fine. USE apostrophes. Those ARE your friends, particularly when compound words are involved.
"Well, not so much i couldn't because i could, I was sucking in as much air as i could."
Repetition is bad. Three "could"s in one sentence doesn't work.
"A profusion of emotions clobbered me"
Once again, stop using the thesaurus. Start using the dictionary. Big words don't necessarily make prose more romantic or artistic, and they certainly don't make you a better writer.
"Seeing you fall to you knees,"
YouR knees.
"I couldn't emphisize enough"
couldn't emphasize WHAT enough?
"truculent"
I know you used the thesaurus for this one. Stoppit.
Quite frankly, this reads like a thirteen year old girl who was just dumped, is bitter about it, and is trying to use big words to make up for her lack of prose prowess. Any good writer writes what she knows. As far as the subject, you did a fantastic job. I remember feeling something similar when my first real boyfriend broke up with me. I felt abandoned, angry, and confused. But I didn't consider the fact that humans are "truculent," "depraved," or anything else that might have been on my vocab quizzes in English. I thought humans were fucked up, stupid, perverted, and corrupt.
I suggest you take this and write a different version of it - except this time, write the way you would talk if you were telling your best friend about this. Get to know your voice, it'll help. If you take my advice about the second version, feel free to send it my way. I'd be glad to read it over for you.
Good luck!
-Siren =)
]
It's your classic heartbreaking plot with a boy leaving a girl behind for whatever reason and she's not allowing herself to accept that because of her love for him.
For these kind of stories, you either love 'em or you despise 'em.
I loved it.
Word of advice, don't use complicated words when trying to express emotion. "A profusion of emotions clobbered me" is a good line, but using simple words sometimes can express what you feel a thousand times more. Use less, to give more.
Spelling as well needs to be addressed, such as 'cource' - 'course', 'relized' - 'realized', 'common' - 'come on' etc.
You're very good at expressing what the girl feels and from what I've read, it seems as if something similar has either happened to you or to somebody else whom you know because the way you described it made me think and feel those emotions so well done on that.
When a new person is speaking, ensure that the speech begins on another paragraph.
I hope this helped,
triquetra
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