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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
I am a junior in highschool and I am 17. I have had a crush on a boy who is a friend of mine for about a month now, starting a little while before my birthday. My friend knows this too. He liked me as well I guess, but would not date me due to "bro code", his friend being devastated when I turned him down last year. I have never actually dated anyone before. Despite what my friend has claimed, she has admitted to liking him to other friends and he has asked her to prom, even using cupcakes. I am sure that he likes her now. But she still said yes despite knowing how I felt, and she didn't even tell me until I brought the subject up after finding out. Even though she claims she would never want to hurt my feelings and would not date him, she still said yes to going to prom and acts as if it is nothing. I feel angry and hurt and jealous and betrayed by this. What should I do or how should I respond or how should I feel about her after this?
The Answer
It's okay to be angry and hurt, but there is nothing to do.
These two people like each other. Your feelings don't stop that or change that. Honestly, the 'bro code' is a polite excuse people use to let someone down lightly. When two people really like each other, it doesn't matter who they dated or rejected in the past.
He just wasn't that into you. He is that into your friend. It hurts and it sucks, but it's not a betrayal of you. It's just two people being human.
Yes, it would have been better if your friend was honest with you. That would have been more respectful, but it probably wouldn't have made you feel all that less angry or hurt. They'd still be headed to prom togeather and they'd still like each other—and they should go to prom togeather if they both like each other! Shouldn't they?
If you are so hurt and angry that you don't want to have much to do with her, that you can't feel friendly towards her, that's okay. You don't have to be her friend if you are unhappy with her, but she didn't really betray you, and it's not all her fault that she and him have feelings for each other. Thier feelings for each other don't really have anything to do with you, and think about it: Would you really want to make two people miserable because you once had a crush on one of them? That's not really a fair expectation.
Your friend screwed up when she wasn't honest with you earlier on—probably because she was afraid of hurting you. He screwed up when he said it was 'bro code' when what was probably true was that he just didn't feel the same way about you—probably because he didn't want to hurt you.
They screwed up in how they handled this, but probably not because they intended to betray you, but because these feelings are complicated and confusing, and you are all teenagers muddling through as best you can.
Like I said, it's okay to be hurt and angry, but you also have to remember that there is nothing wrong with two people liking each other, or your crush not liking you back, even when those things suck for you.
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The Question
My boyfriend and I have been together for about nine months now. He is a smoker and I have expressed my dislike for it very much and how I just want to keep him around for as long as possible as I have experienced quite a few of my family members passing away due to smoking and he agrees, he said he wants to stop and I would be the perfect motivation to do so. He has since joined the gym, he says working out makes his desire to smoke very minuscule and I am so proud of him for that.
We were watching a movie the other night when he brought up the idea of me joining the gym with him. He has expressed numerous times that he does not think I am unfit or overweight, he just thinks that since he is quitting smoking for me, the least I could do is go to the gym with him. I don't think it is a bad idea at all but I am thinking about whether it would be weird or not. He and I are close but I have not a single clue about anything gym related and he's been doing this for a while so I don't want to look incompetent to him or anything or get out of breath doing things while he is just motoring along.
I do jog (definitely not run) and he does too so he brought up us doing that together as well but I think I have the same issue, that i am not as fit as he is. For instance, when I jog, if I get tired, I walk until I'm not tired anymore....I went for a jog the other day and texted him when I got back home to come over and hang out. When he did come over, he told me the entire hour he was out, he ran the entire time, two miles around the local high school track and then back home... I just don't think I would be able to keep up and I'm nervous that he would see that and not so much think differently of me but change his perception of my fitness or physical abilities, I guess.
Anyway, I want to do this with him - it would be better for me to get healthier and work on my willpower to actually go and work out every night with him and I think it would bring us closer together (my brother and his girlfriend work out together and they love it and says that's what keep them as close and as strong as they are that they experience that hour workout together everyday). I just want to know how I can get over this nervousness of not being able to live up to his standards or look unfit to him.
Thanks for any input!
The Answer
Sounds like the best thing for you to do would be to go to the gym on your own for a bit, perhaps take a few classes that look interesting too you, or get a few private sessions with a trainer.
Eventually, you both have to bite the bullet and accept that you aren't in the same place as he is. That might mean he needs to make some changes to accommodate your limits. And he'll need to be respectful and supportive. Hopefully, he can manage that. Personally, I love doing things with my boyfriend, but I hate him 'teaching' me to do things. I rather get a basic level of familiarity on my own.
Sounds to like you might benefit from getting some familiarity to the gym on your own before actually joining him.
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The Question
I have this guy friend, (that i really like but i'll save that for another day) who likes to talk with me about a lot of things. Recently he was talking about my good friend Kristina and how he thought she was moving too fast. Kristina has been hugging him a lot and holding him arm (almost clingy if you get what i mean) and laying her head on his shoulder in church. For my church that's really awkward and jaedon (the guy friend) finds it all too awkward and fast. he also said that he thinks they haven't been talking long enough. So i thought about telling Kristina, but i have never told anyone anything jaedon has said to me privately. They are both my friends and whenever me and him talked before it would always be someone i had no relation to. So i don't want to betray him by telling Kristina what he told me. But i also don't want to see my friend unhappy. What should i do?
Also i like jaedon a lot but i wouldn't want to date someone she likes (especially since so is a drama queen, like she calls this one girl who likes jaedon boyfriend stealer and satan... its bad lmao)
The Answer
It's probably best you do nothing.
Jaedon didn't ask you to interfere to help, and Kristina is almost guaranteed to perceive any comments as meddling or worse - as an attempt to steal her boyfriend.
Best to just relax. Give advice if it's asked for (without betraying confidence) and encourage Jaedon to stand up for his boundaries and comfort level. Right now, that is what Jaedon needs to hear: That it's okay to ask for his boundaries to be respected.
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The Question
What do you do when you fear your husband is having an affair? When there have been signs for a considerably long time? There have been all kinds of little things such as that he's been incredibly secretive. He never tells anyone where he's going when he leaves the house or where's been when he comes home late. When anyone asks, he asks why they want to know. If you ask again, he flips out and starts screaming, turning it into a huge fight for absolutely no reason at all. He claims that he got angry and started screaming because whoever asked him used a "hateful" tone of voice even though they didn't and even if they did, he still blew it way, way, WAY out of proportion. Also, what if your daughter said she's seen him flirting with single mothers at said daughter's basketball practices and other such things? Then you saw his truck (a very distinctive looking truck) parked at the home of one of the aformentioned single mother's? AND you found a second cell phone filled with texts from a woman that NOW, he seems to have hidden somewhere? This marriage is on it's last leg. If he is seriously having an affair, i'm afraid divorce will be unavoidable. But I can't prove anything yet. What should I do?
The Answer
Are you happy in your marriage?
You describe a man who is verbally abusive, and whose own children believe he is betraying their mother.
Imagine, for a moment, that is he not cheating on you. Does that make this okay? Does that make it good enough to stick around for? Does that make this an okay environment for children? Would you want your daughter to marry this sort of man if only he doesn't cheat on her?
Get your butt into counselling. If he'll go with you, great. If not, go yourself.
It's not the cheating that makes divorce unavoidable. It's when one of you realizes you'll be happier apart. You don't need proof of cheating to realize this marriage isn't working for you.
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The Question
So me and my boyfriend were having sex and he nutted in me. My period came on the next day after we had sex because it was time for it to come on. Is it still a possibility that I can get pregnant or am I okay being that my period came on the next day ???!!!
The Answer
It's technically possible, but pretty unlikely.
There is no 100% 'safe time' to have unprotected sex. Semen can live in the woman's body for several days (most babies are actually conceived in the day or so after you have sex, not the minutes after) and not every woman's body is regular and predictable. Unprotected sex is always unprotected, no matter what time of the month you do it.
However, it is unlikely that semen would be able to survive in your body long enough to impregnate you if you period came the next day.
Buy condoms, or go talk to a doctor. Unless you want to be pregnant. Because doing what you are doing is gonna get you pregnant.
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The Question
Long story short, I've been dating my current boyfriend for exactly two weeks. We're both 21, in college, and follow Roman Catholicism fairly seriously in most aspects.
From the start our relationship was different. I don't want to sound cliche at all because I didn't believe this really happened before I met him (and I have been in previous long term relationships) but it was like the very first time I saw him something in my world changed and two days later after a magical first date, we were officially a couple. We get along so well and he's everything I want in a significant other so I'm really dedicated to making this work because I can really see myself being with him for a long time.
Luckily, he feels the same way and seems head over heels for me. I also know about the whole honeymoon phase thing, but I've been in those before and this isn't the same kind of feeling.
The only thing I'm kind of worried about is that he's only had sex once before and his other sexual experience is very limited. I've had sex a few times (with my previous LTR), but otherwise my experience is also a bit limited so I was hoping I would be able to take things slow in that department so we could learn together. However, that hasn't really been the case. We're both set on not having sex until we're at least engaged which is great, but already we've gone pretty far and I'm worried about it.
He says he doesn't want the physical part of our relationship to overwhelm the rest of the elements because he thinks that's unhealthy, but then every time we're together in one of our rooms he gets physical with me very fast, even when I try to talk him out of it. I also don't mean to make him sound pushy, but I just can't imagine how long we can go being on the brink of almost having sex without giving in to that when we're only 2 weeks in and I feel like we've already gotten very close to that.
The previous person I had sex with I was engaged to and a marriage seemed imminent, but looking back at it now I wish I hadn't had intercourse with him because obviously marriage didn't happen and I don't want to make the same mistake twice. However, I'm not even sure how much it really matters when neither of us are virgins. It doesn't seem like that big of a deal at it's core because it's not like we'd be doing anything we haven't before, but it's really the sanctity of our promise to not do it again unless we're engaged and I take that very seriously and he seems to as well, but our actions lately might lead to that promise being broken.
I think it sounds like we're moving too fast, but I also feel like I can't say anything about it because I don't want to scare him, especially knowing how religious we both are. I don't want to make him feel like he's doing something sacrilegious and then have him end our relationship out of fear of that.
I don't know what to do. I tried to slow things down last night, but it just didn't work and now he's already talking about what we're going to do tonight and I know if I put my foot down that he's going to see it as me not being comfortable with what we did last night and he'll get scared and feel like he did something wrong.
Any advice would help...
The Answer
You aren't comfortable with what is happening. If he thinks that, he's right. If that scares him a bit, good. That means he gives a shit that his girlfriend is not comfortable. He should care about your comfort.
You don't think what you are doing reflects the boundaries you'd discussed togeather, or the boundaries you believe your religion places on pre-marital sex. It's not that it's 'sacrilegious'. It's much more important than that: It's not what you two discussed and agreed on.
When you tell him that you need to discuss boundaries again, and limitations, he's going to feel hurt and maybe even scared. However, his words and his actions aren't lining up. That doesn't make you mean and it doesn't make him evil, but if you don't talk about the disconnect between what he is saying and what he is doing, you are both going to end up very confused and hurt. Also, possibly very angry.
Whatever agreements a couple makes, those agreements need to be honoured. That's not what is happening here either. Either he is ignoring the agreements he is making, or he doesn't understand them the same way you do. Either way, you need to clarify.
So have this conversation. If you don't, the relationship is off to a terrible start. You need to make sure that you understand one another. You also need to make sure that he can keep promises he makes to you and himself, and honour his commitments. If he 'can't help himself'. Then he doesn't actually believe and value what you do.
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The Question
Hi I'm June and I'm 16 and my boyfriend is 17 soon to be 18. You've probably heard this sort of situation tons of times but my boyfriend wants to have sex and we've had this conversation multiple times of how I feel I'm not ready and I have told him my decision was no and the other night the subject came up again and I told him I wasn't ready but he wasn't really accepting my answer and he was like if you trust me you'll let me do it. I trust him a lot and I really like him and he knows that but I myself just don't feel ready and he kept pushing for me to change my mind and I gave in and said I'd have sex with him and now I'm gonna see him sometime this week and he wants to do it, idk what to do I'm scared and I'm not ready to have sex but he doesn't want no for an answer what should I do. I love him a lot but I'm just not ready, any advice is helpful.
The Answer
Until he respects your answer, it would be best not to see him. Honestly, it's not safe to put yourself in the same room with a guy who thinks that you have to 'prove' you trust him by doing something you don't want to do.
It takes a lot of bravery to stand up to a bully, but that is what he doing right now, bullying. Tell him now, even if it's just via text, that you meant what you said when you said you weren't ready for sex and that you don't feel comfortable seeing him again until he accepts that answer. Because it's truth. And he owes it to you to respect the truth you tell him.
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The Question
My ex and I broke up unexpectedly a few months ago (he dumped me). During our relationship, I had spent a lot of time with his family in a different state, visiting with him whenever he went home. I became very close with his family, especially his mom. When he dumped me, I realized, devastatingly, that I would never see his family again, and that I never got to say goodbye.
On a scale of 1 to psychopath, how crazy would it be to write his mom a short, sweet note just thanking her for welcoming me into their home, that I will treasure the memories, and that her family has a special place in my heart? Please consider from both her perspective and that of my ex, who would probably hear about it.
The Answer
If you keep it very short, and full of nothing but gratitude, with no expectation of a response of any kind... Then I think it's all right, even sweet.
Perhaps she'll feel a bit awkward, but she will probably also be glad to be appreciated. The important part is not to leave her feeling that you expect a response, or to be included in any way in the future. Just to say thank you for all she has done.
Who gives a rat's ass what your ex thinks? He forfeited his right to any opinion on your actions when he broke up with you. That's what a break up is. You want to say something nice to his mom, go ahead. His feelings are really not that important.
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The Question
Hello I'm a 23 year old woman from America and I think I'm in love with a man I met online.
This isn't what the hard part is for me, the toughest part is that I have two male friends who both claim to be in love with me. I've never been very strong worded but I've shot down all their advances on me and they won't seem to take the hint. Both of these men were with me when my fiance and I split, they were very good to me during this time and I found myself leaning on them. One of the men, let's call him Sean, also put his divorce into action practically the same time I was leaving my fiance. I spent a week with him and did every but 'the deed'. When it came time to go home I asked him his intentions with me and he said he didn't know, that topped with his chameleon personality and knowing that we weren't compatible sexually lead me to telling him that I wasn't interested. The problem with this is that whenever Sean touches me, my heart races and it makes everything so confusing. Whenever he gets me alone he tries to put moves on me until he can try and sweep me away to the bedroom.
Now while all this happens I currently live with the other man (Jacob) as I have since I was kicked out of my home I shared with my fiance. Jacob and I tried dating but I went through a pretty hard depression, which caused him to ignore me for 3 months while I got myself together. Sean has never cared about interfering with this relationship and put a lot of stress on me while I figured out that relationship. I've since ended it with Jacob, but he seems to think there's a chance he can win me back. I can't find it in my heart to forgive someone who just left me at my lowest. Both of them are very sweet and have helped me to an incredible degree, but now I find myself wanting them to back off and simultaneously not being able to pay for an apartment on my own. This is especially hard as I have no other friends in this area.
The wonderful cherry on top here is that while I was down in that slump I met someone online in an MMO I play. We've been 'together' since September and now I feel like I might love him. We've even planned on him coming to visit me before he goes home for the summer. He's from Saudi Arabia and he spends his summers there while he's in college over here. I'm worried about what forming a relationship is going to be like with him but I"m willing to try. I know that I will have to move into my own place but I don't know how to tell these men in a way that will make them realize I'm not interested, even though they're sweet and I have sustained some sort of relationship with each of them, that I'm getting my own place in hopes of having more room to date someone else. I don't want to lose my best friends, but I don't want to ruin their lives or they mine.
How can I tell Sean and Jacob I'm not interested?
Should I give up on maintaining their friendships after all this is said and done?
Thank you for your time..
The Answer
You are not so much in a love triangle, as you are being bullied by Sean, and in a bad living situation with Jacob.
Sean is trying to bully you into the bedroom, even though at this point, he must realize perfectly clearly that you don't want to do that. He is willing to cause you pain and stress and try to ruin your relationships with other people in order to have sex with you. This is not a man who cares for your feelings or respects your choices. This is a man who is only thinking about the sex he wants to have. This is not friendly behavior. Honestly, you may not be able to salvage any sort of friendship with Sean, if the only reason he has been a good friend to you, was that he thought he could 'earn' sex. You can't have a real friendship with someone who is only pretending to be a friend so someday they can convince you to have sex with them.
You've said much less about Jacob, so maybe his mistakes, as hurtful as they were to you, are things you can move past.
You are right however, it is now very, very important that you get out of Jacob's home. It will be very difficult to date someone else while you are still living with an ex. That's not Jacobs 'fault' that is just being human. At this point, you may be better off searching for a roommate among strangers than staying with Jacob and you both feeling uncomfortable and miserable.
Sean knows you are not interested. That is why he is bullying you in shady ways. You've told him and you haven't had sex with him. He knows damn well. The message you need to give him now is to demand physical space and never allow yourself to be alone with him. If he flirts or touches, tell him clearly to back off and respect your boundaries. You can't be friends until he starts acting like one. If he can't act like one, stay away from him.
Jacob you still need to speak too. He needs to know that you want to work on your friendship with him, but nothing more. You also need to commit to him to finding another living situation as soon as possible, so that you have a healthy distance from one another and friednship can heal.
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The Question
When I'm horny I like to masturbate but I've noticed that fingering myself doesn't turn me on like it does for most girls and to get off I use the old " pillow hump " way and it's so much helpful so why isn't fingering getting me off is there something else I should know about 😂😂 idk I know this is weird but I really want to know
The Answer
That's not weird.
Most women don't reach orgasm from penetration alone. Not with fingers or with a penis, or even with a sex toy. Most women need the clitoris stimulated, and you are probably managing that better with a pillow than with your fingers. That's just fine and perfectly normal. Have fun!
But don't use a toothbrush or foot massager or anything like that! Seriously, if it's not designed to be safe and clean as a sex toy, just don't use it as a sex toy. I know it's tempting when you are young, especially if you are too young to go out and buy a proper, safe to use and easy to clean, vibrator, but this isn't a thing you can DIY at home. A pillow is just dandy for now.
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The Question
You don't go through our struggles. When have you been taught in your 7th grade sex ed that you're not normal, been bullied, ashamed of yourself to suicide, and told by your church that you've developed an emotional connection to your an abomination. In what country have cishets been killed, beaten, and discriminated against? When have straight children been bullied at school for being straight? When have you been told, like bisexuals asexuals and pansexuals, you're not real or valid. Where is your marriage not legal? When have you had to fight to get a kid? When have you had to fight people to bake your wedding cake, take your photo, and sign your license? When has heterosexuality been considered a mental disorder? When have straight kids been sent to conversion therapys where they're shocked, and develop mental disorders. When have straight kids been kicked out of their houses for being straight, and told it's a choice. Gotten disowned. Is isis throwing heteros off buildings? Nope. Are people kicking you out of restaraunts, and holding up signs saying "God hates heteros!" Are you treated like an adult topic? Have you ever been told you're too young to know? Do your men get put into fanfiction by people who hate your women, and do your women get fetishized to the point where it's seen as nothing more than a porn genre by people who hate you?
Like transgenders (including nonbinary and intersex), have you been murdered, beaten, humiliated, bullied, and disowned like transgenders for being trans? Do you get told your not real and never mentioned? Are you treated like a pest of society? When have cisgenders faced even a tiny bit of discrimination. And been treated like weird ugly useless creatures, dehuminized and sexually abused? Especially transgendered people of color? Are people on your case for not being like the gender you identify as 100%? Do people want you to die? Is it hard for you to get your surgeries and name change, so you are constantly living with dysorphia and self hate? To suicide?
You aren't opressed cissy hettys, get over it. Also, allys, you're still cisgendered and heterosexual. You face nothing, and can ignore issues when you want to. For supporting us you are a decent human, no badge for that. If you're a good ally, you wouldn't need the "a" in LGBTQIA, which belongs to asexuals.
So why do cissy hettys want pride parades?
Sincerly, a fed up lesbian.
The Answer
Do you want advice? Why do you think cisgendered heterosexuals want pride events?
If they really wanted them, they'd have them. Or, ya know, they'd do Halloween twice a year. Like you said: It's not an oppressed or disempowered group. If heterosexuals wanted a to hold a damn parade, no would be able to stop them.
This is the kind of thing assholes say to get under your skin. It's not an honest desire or need, so it's not going to happen on any large scale. It's trolling. Yes, it's legitimately hurtful, ignorant and dumb as fuck, but it's not something that is happening on any large scale.
Don't waste your strength railing against 'heterosexual pride' events that are not happening beyond a few assholes and will catch on in any larger way. Just remove people from your life who talk that sort of bullshit.
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The Question
I'm being blackmailed and I got scared so I reported the girl and deleted Kik what should I do she threatened to post it on Ellen show
The Answer
She has threatened to post it on the Ellen show?
I think you've asked this question before and your should refer to your previous answers here:
http://www.advicenators.com/qview.php?q=657305
Your photos are not going to appear on the Ellen show. Period. That will not happen. If you've ended contact with this predator, you've done all you can really do. Try to let it go. It's very possible that nothing will come of this now, and that this person was just looking to make a quick buck.
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The Question
I'm pregnant with my first child and since Valentine's Day is coming up I want to surprise my boyfriend and ask him to be my Valentine because he's been such a good daddy to be. I want to do it in a way that includes our little boy but not sure how to! I'm 16..
The Answer
Never-mind. I misunderstood your question.
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The Question
I have a swarm of fruit flies in my kitchen and I don't know how to get rid of them! I tried putting out a cup of cider vinegar yesterday..... the flies are buzzing around it but won't actually go into the vinegar.
The Answer
My best possible advice is this:
Put your cup of vinegar in your oven and leave the oven door wide open. Make sure it's an oven safe cup. Leave for a few hours, and then when you come back, close the oven door and turn the oven up to 400 degrees for about 15 minutes. No more flies.
Of course, you also have to make sure the rest of your kitchen is clean and that there are no other food options available for them.
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The Question
I'm a 12 year old atheist girl. I'm not throwing shade to christians, because some of the ones I've met are good people, but why do people think christians are so perfect? In America, where I live every politician from Trump to Hillary has to profess their love for the bible to get a shot. Ted Cruz said he's a Christian first an American second. Imagine if a jewish person or a Muslim politician said that (as if Muslims have a chance) why is there god written on everything. Why must god be mentioned in the pledge? I've been called a "dumb shit" by someone for not believing when the evidence is "I have life" I responded I have life because my parents had sex. You see, Christians go around bashing everyone else's religion, then when we respond, we're close minded bigots and must drown in their Christian tears. A person I can't stand said it "makes sense" that I'm an atheist. This could either be regarding the fact I'm big on liberalism, or that I swear a lot. And here's another thing, how come with muslims lately, we are talking about banning them and making them wear special badges and closing down mosques for the action if isis (1% of muslims) why did we never talk about closing down churches after the crisis of priests molesting young boys, or banning Christians over the kkks, and making them wear badges because of the nazis, after all Hitler was catholic and stated his movement's christian (this stuff shouldn't happen to muslims or christians, don't get the wrong idea) and jewish people are the majority in religious hate crimes. I've met jewish people, muslims, atheists, and agnostic far more moral than some Christians. Also minorities like pagans, Jainism followers, hindus (mocked by people in bindis), etc are always getting attacked for being satanic? Why are Christians so loved and everyone else hated?
The Answer
World history.
How Christianity became the dominant religion in the Western world is a difficult question to answer quickly, and why Protestantism became so dominant in America for so long, and now a more generic brand 'Christianity' has so much political clout gets even more complicated.
It's about immigration, it's about wealth, it's about wars and political strength and so much more. But in the end, it's about bigotry and fear.
For a long time, the majority of people in the US were Christian, the vast majority of those were some sort of Protestant Christian group. When other sorts of Christians immigrated to America, the Protestant Americans were not thrilled, and often discriminated against the Catholics who joined them here, and even against the sects that weren't seen as Protestant enough, like the Baptists and the Mormons.
As more and more different people started to arrive in America, these separate groups of Christians who used to fight one another, largely teamed up to maintain their political strength on issues like prayer in schools, abortion and traditional family values. Which is why now, in the US, we tend to talk about Christians as one large group, but a hundred years ago, Christians were split into dozens of groups that largely hated each other.
So, the best answer to your question is that Christianity has been, until recently, the religion of the majority of people in the US. So it's woven deeply into the culture in both good ways as well as bad ways. As it's becoming less and less the majority, who can get their way at the ballot box, many Christians are feeling threatened and are lashing out at others, believing they are being discriminated against because the privileges they have enjoyed because most of the people around believed they same thing they did, are eroding.
As a fellow atheist, I'd caution you not to get too wrapped up in the crimes of Christianity. Not because Christians haven't done terrible things. They have. And Christian faith has been used, and is being used today, to justify terrible things, but remember that the Buddhist monks basically enslaved the poor of Tibet and lived as kings for many centuries, and that the aboriginal tribes of North America waged bloody and terrible wars against one another with a great deal of frequency. All groups have behaved horribly, Christianity has just had the greatest power and the majority of people in America for the longest time, so we see it's crimes most clearly.
No religion, not Christianity, not Islam, are inherently violent. People are violent and hateful and bigoted in pursuit of power over others, not in the pursuit of religion. Religion is just a convenient and consistent excuse.
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The Question
i frequent my bank, and there is a new teller there and ive notice she is always eager to help me and if I don't go to her window she gets upset and wont speak to me, or if I don't speak to her she gets upset....today I called the bank and boy was she extra happy...I can feel her just smiling in the background....wth...should I ask her what's up or just leave it alone? my bro thinks she is prolly bi and has a crush on me and told me to give her my number....she is younger than me I do know that much.....and she comes off as freaky.....what do u all think is she just being friendly or does she like me like? thanks
SO should I give her my number or wait to see if she's gonna ask me for mine....im not an outdoorsy person but I wouldn't mind chillin with her
The Answer
I think you need to leave this alone.
This is her job. If you are there frequently, it's perfect appropriate for her to give you special attention—as a customer. Her flirting crosses the line when it makes you uncomfortable and confused (and it sounds like she has crossed that line and may have behaved rudely.)
The best thing you can do is shrug this off. There is a lot bad that come of pursuing it, and not much good.
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The Question
I have been doing some research on the dominant and submissive lifestyle because I have been dating this guy for over a year and he wanted to know if I had ever been involved with this type of sex I said no I am a virgin and he asked me how I felt about this and being submissive because he liked submissive type girls during sex and while I was looking it up on the web it basically said I would be doing what ever they wanted and they could do whatever they wanted to me does this mean once that I agree I can't say no or back out? What are safety issues? Tips on anything appreciated I am so nervous. First time havening any kind of intercourse.
27 female
The Answer
If this is your first time, you shouldn't be worried about diving head first into the kink scene or lifestyle. If that is what this guy expects of you, he's being unreasonable and unfair.
Doms do not get to do 'whatever they want' to a submissive partner. It's a game. It's role-playing. Both partners agree on limits well beforehand, and there are usually signals or safe words chosen well in advance to help them communicate that they are both happy with what is happening. Think of it like a sports game, where everyone agrees to the basic rules of what is going to happen, and how to do it safely and respectfully.
A sane dominant understands that the submissive partner can withdraw their consent at any time. Legally, that is simply the truth of it. You can say it's okay for someone to spanks you 10 times, but if you change your mind after 2 spanks and tell them to stop, then they have to stop, or else they are assaulting you.
Most people who choose dominant/submissive relationships understand these important conversations, boundaries and respect for everyone's limits and terms.
You can always say no, back out, or stop. You can always refuse something that feels unsafe. Always.
It's time you start talking to your boyfriend about this. He needs to know that A.) this is not a reasonable thing to expect you to immediately jump into and B.) he needs to assure you that he is a respectful, and sane dominant who will respect your boundaries and limitations 100%.
If he thinks that dominants can do 'whatever they want', dump him and run away from him. That is not a dominant. That is an abuser who is trying to hide behind a kink. That is not a safe person to be near.
The most important thing to realize right now, and that you and he need to have a lot more conversations before either of you are ready to have sex.
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The Question
I got my nails done today and when they were sanding my nails (using the rotating tool, it's called a dremel I believe) they scratched me on my cuticle. I wasn't actively bleeding but the area is tender and red now. I don't think they cleaned the dremel, honestly, and now I'm terrified of contracting some kind of illness.
Can HIV be transmitted this way if an infected person's blood was on the tool?
The Answer
No.
No one in the world is known to have been infected by HIV by such a superficial scratch like you describe. HIV doesn't survive for very long when exposed to open air, and it can be killed by normal, boring old washing with water. In a laboratory environment, or in a sealed syringe, HIV has a very long lifespan, but on a manicurists tools that are soaked in disinfectant or left open to the air? That is just not going to happen.
Even if, theoretically, there was some active HIV virus on the tool, which is insanely unlikely to begin with and would have had to happen within minutes if not seconds of the tool being used on you, you still probably couldn't be infected by it, because an infection requires a certain amount of the virus (one or two cells will not an HIV infection make), which needs to enter your blood stream (and a scratch is probably not going to allow that), and then find the correct kinds of cells to attack . Not going to happen.
Manicures don't put you at risk for HIV. There are other diseases and infections that can be transmitted by unclean tools so it is still important to go to a manicurist who is clean and careful with well sterilized equipment, but HIV is just not one of the risks that is there.
The bigger question you may want to ask yourself here, is why is this where your brain went?
EDIT: Adviceman must not spend much time at a manicurists. A manicurist dremel tool is a specifically made professional nail file. For some kinds of nail polish, they are the preferred filing method. Similar tools are used by doctors to file or remove nails when they need too. There is nothing inherently dangerous about it.
If you rather your nails be filed by hand, ask for that when you get there. If a place doesn't look clean, don't have your nails done there.
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The Question
So I've been a cashier at a certain major chain of gas stations for about 3-4 months now, and at our particular location, there has been non-stop drama, resulting in 3 people quitting and 2 people getting fired. Needless to say, it's been a stressful few months. I had been doing a great job not being involved in all the drama for a while, until I got dragged into this particular scenario.
A couple months after I was hired in, my coworker Sam (or so we'll call him) joined us at our station. He was a hard worker, and we got along great. We joked around with our similarly sarcastic humor. But it started to all go downhill. You see, I started to take notice of his shifting moods. One moment we'd be laughing, and 20 minutes later he'd be short with me. He seemed to have a hard time leaving his personal life out of his work life. For instance, he informed us one night that his brother was missing "again", and from there he was, to put it bluntly, a dick all night.
We had a heart-to-heart one night, and discovered we had a lot of the same issues in life, and we bonded. But of course the next day, he came in scowling. When he's in a bad mood, he pulls stuff like punching out for breaks and not telling us, going off to work on the cooler for an hour and a half straight, snapping at us, just being generally rude. He got into a lot of drama with our coworkers, he kept calling managers and tattling when it wasn't necessary. It got hard for me to keep up with his mood swings, so I began distancing myself a little. Just because we're friends, doesn't mean you get to disrespect me.
One day his mood was particularly foul, and I'd had enough. So I remained professional, but short in our encounters. Then I was with a customer, when I heard him punching-out. He headed for the door, and I asked "... Are you taking your lunch?" "Yup," he responded. "You know Sam, it'd be nice to know that." He then snapped "ASHLEY. I'M TAKING MY LUNCH."
Obviously I was peeved, but I calmed down by the time he came back. He then was back to relying on me with questions about how to do our job (which he did A LOT).
There then was a bit of a sketchy situation going on. A DRUGGED UP lady was ditched by her drug dealer boyfriend and was using our phone. Sam informed me (this time!) that he was taking his break. I asked if he could stay here, and not leave (go to his car, etc.), that I didn't feel comfortable being by myself in this situation. He shot me this overly-perplexed look and said "I'm just taking my break Ashley, I'm not going anywhere," in a harsh tone. I couldn't take it anymore. "Sam, I'm not yelling at you, I'm just asking. No need to raise your voice."
"Raise my voice? RAISE MY VOICE? YOU WANT RAISE MY VOICE?!!?" He then gets a foot away from my face and screams, so loud that my ears were vibrating and hurting, about how he's sick of my shit, how he's sick of everyone and sick of this whole station. I said please stop, and that I'd call a manager if he didn't. "GO AHEAD AND DO THAT ASHLEY. GOD I NEED A NEW JOB." He called his girlfriend, starting yelling at her about it and he punched out. Luckily it was 8:30p and another coworker was punching in, because I needed to go in the back room and sob. I felt like I was going to get decked in the face. Mind you I've never gotten in any fights or screaming matches. I'm a nice person, not to mention I'm a woman, and he's a man. I couldn't stop crying. My coworker got worried and called for a manager to come and talk to me. The guy wrote down my story, Sam's story, and left. I had to leave early because Sam refused.
I was going to quit for fear they wouldn't do anything about it (it's happened with previous drama mentioned), but I heard he'd been fired, so I came back. Last week he sent his girlfriend in to buy stuff for him (I recognized her and his car), but last night he came in. As soon as I saw him I went to the back room and asked my coworker washing dishes to handle him for me. As I left he yelled "Good bye Ashley!" and he told my coworker "Tell Ashley Sam says hi," and left.
He was obviously doing it maliciously. I'm afraid of what he'll do next. He doesn't have a job yet, so he can just come in anytime he wants a power trip. And I really don't give a shit how he gets his entertainment, I just can't put up with feeling like I'm going to get screamed at, hit, or like I can't go out to my car every time he comes in.
My question is, do I have the right to say "The other cashier will service you, otherwise please leave," or something along those lines? I feel small and unsafe when he comes in. I'm afraid he'd going to catch me when my coworker is on break so I have to confront him. I want to talk to my manager about it, but I'm afraid she'll say "Tough." I guess I just want to know what my rights are? I can't service him, I just can't. I'm prepared to quit over it.
Pleeeaase help, this whole thing is so unfair and unwarranted, it just hurts.
Thanks, and sorry for my lengthy question.
The Answer
You need to speak to your boss. Even if she does say "Tough". An important part of protecting yourself is informing her that this problem is ongoing.
Honestly, if your boss is smart, she wont say "Tough" because if she does, she is just contributed to an unsafe workplace for you. She might be smart enough to know that forcing someone to offer service to a fired employee who threatened them leaves her in a legally risky position.
Here's the important thing tho: You can refuse service. You don't need a sign up. You can just do it. It wont be criminal - if you had to call the police (just as an example) they would back you up - but you could also be fired for doing so.
Which is why it's so important to talk your boss.
No public business can deny service to someone because of his or her race, color, religion, national origin or disability (and in some states, sexual orientation). That is discrimination.
A business can refuse service if their reason is based on customer behavior or the health and safety of patrons and employees.
But because you are employee, if you personally deny service, your employer doesn't necessarily to back you. They have the right to make the decision, but you don't necessarily have a personal right to make that call. They could fire you for it.
You do have the right to a safe workplace, free from harassment from both customers and staff, but if they fired you, you'd have to fight them on that in court, and that is almost certainly not worth it.
So, what you really need to do, if you don't want to up and quit, is talk to your boss about what happens the next time he comes in, and tell her clearly that you feel unsafe having to serve him. Together, you need a plan to address your legitimate concerns about his behavior and possible harassment, and you need to know what your situation is.
If you don't like your bosses answers or her plan, then you should definitely quit.
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The Question
Let me start by saying that I didn't mean for this to be so long, but I think it's important for you to know all of the details. Last Tuesday, my mom and I went out to dinner and I don't remember how, but she got on the subject of the four days of her life that she wished she had to do over. The day I was born was on the list, although not for the reason I probably made it sound like.
I was my parents' second child and my sister was like ten days late. She was supposed to come on new years eve and when she still wasn't born, my mom had to check into a hospital and have a C-section the next day. My mom never went into labor with her.
I was supposed to be born on September 18th, but my mom went into labor on the 6th instead. My parents were about 45 miles from home visiting my grandparents for labor day weekend when it happened. My mom didn't want to go on that trip and my other grandparents (her parents) tried to talk her out of it, but they went anyway. When she went into labor, she wanted to go to the hospital, but my grandmother who I love, but who doesn't make very rational decisions and who didn't want them and my sister to leave, said she couldn't be in labor because it was too early. My mom knew otherwise, but my dad was trying to please my grandmother and refused to go to the hospital.
She went into labor at around lunch time on Sunday and late that night, she was in such pain that she said she'd go to the hospital herself if my dad didn't take her. He didn't think that' be safe in her condition, so they went and by the time they got to our hospital back home, my mom couldn't even walk. I had flipped in her stomach, so she had to have a C-section and I was born early on Monday morning, about 12 hours after she went into labor.
I was born with a bruise on my face and a crooked smile, which the doctors said was probably just temporary. They called it Bell's Palsy and said it probably happened because I hit my face on one of my mom's ribs or something because she was in labor so long and I was trying so hard to get out.
Technically, I guess I don't have Bell's Palsy anymore, but I still have weakness. I had surgery and now I have the ability to smile straight, but it's hard to know when I am unless m looking in a mirror. I can't move my left eyebrow up and down and I can't wink my left eye or completely close it when I blink, which has severely damaged my vision.
My parents worked hard to keep me from being sensitive about it and I'm not really. It's not nearly the worst thing that could happen to a person at birth and I'm glad that's all that happened that night. I got teased in school a little, but I didn't really care. I just brushed it off and told myself that those kids were ignorant and if they were going to be such jerks, it's not like I wanted them as friends or anything anyway. Other than teasing, I've never really had any problems. In fact, there have been a few positive things that have come from it, including life lessons I've learned, the way it's helped shape my personality, and the people I've met with the same problem.
My mom feels terrible about it, though. She said she should have gone to the hospital herself when she first went into labor or gotten my granddad to take her. I kept trying to tell her that it was okay and I'm not upset about this problem, but she said it was just because I was such a good problem (sorry if that sounds arrogant). I also told her that she couldn't have known that was going to happen and she said, "But I was your mom, I knew something was wrong, I should have gone to the hospital sooner.)
Why is she making such a big deal about it? I've had this problem my entire life, I thought we'd all learned to deal with it by now, but she still feels so guilty about it. To be honest, she's making me feel bad. Why does it have to be such a big deal? Why is it such a big deal that she got so choked up about it? I mean, at least I don't have CEREBRAL palsy like her friend's son. At least I didn't die at birth like my friends' triplet brother. To be honest, I do kind of wish this hadn't happened, but I like to think it was part of God's plan and it was supposed to happen, but my mom acts like she doesn't even believe that. She and my dad spent years trying to teach me that there was nothing wrong with me, was that all BS? That's what she's making me think by acting like this. Also, how can I make her feel better?
The Answer
Honestly, your mom's shit isn't your shit.
It's that simple. Your mom is going to hold on to things, and see them through a different lens than you do, because she's a different person. That doesn't make her wrong, but it does mean you don't have to agree with her interpretation.
Your mother thinks she made a mistake. She thinks that her choices may have hurt you. That guilt is hurting her. Any mother was likely to feel that way in her shoes. That doesn't mean there is something 'wrong' with you, that means she feels she failed to protect you from avoidable harm.
The kindest thing you can do is let her know that you've never blamed her, and if she wants your forgiveness she has it. Let her know you've never felt 'harmed' by her, even if she
You can't make the guilt or worry go away. She's held on to it your entire life and you can't fix it for her. She has to decide to let it go. All you can do is own your own feelings and beliefs, and be kind to her.
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