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Dominant and submissive sex lifestyle
I have been doing some research on the dominant and submissive lifestyle because I have been dating this guy for over a year and he wanted to know if I had ever been involved with this type of sex I said no I am a virgin and he asked me how I felt about this and being submissive because he liked submissive type girls during sex and while I was looking it up on the web it basically said I would be doing what ever they wanted and they could do whatever they wanted to me does this mean once that I agree I can't say no or back out? What are safety issues? Tips on anything appreciated I am so nervous. First time havening any kind of intercourse.
27 female
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If this is your first time, you shouldn't be worried about diving head first into the kink scene or lifestyle. If that is what this guy expects of you, he's being unreasonable and unfair.
Doms do not get to do 'whatever they want' to a submissive partner. It's a game. It's role-playing. Both partners agree on limits well beforehand, and there are usually signals or safe words chosen well in advance to help them communicate that they are both happy with what is happening. Think of it like a sports game, where everyone agrees to the basic rules of what is going to happen, and how to do it safely and respectfully.
A sane dominant understands that the submissive partner can withdraw their consent at any time. Legally, that is simply the truth of it. You can say it's okay for someone to spanks you 10 times, but if you change your mind after 2 spanks and tell them to stop, then they have to stop, or else they are assaulting you.
Most people who choose dominant/submissive relationships understand these important conversations, boundaries and respect for everyone's limits and terms.
You can always say no, back out, or stop. You can always refuse something that feels unsafe. Always.
It's time you start talking to your boyfriend about this. He needs to know that A.) this is not a reasonable thing to expect you to immediately jump into and B.) he needs to assure you that he is a respectful, and sane dominant who will respect your boundaries and limitations 100%.
If he thinks that dominants can do 'whatever they want', dump him and run away from him. That is not a dominant. That is an abuser who is trying to hide behind a kink. That is not a safe person to be near.
The most important thing to realize right now, and that you and he need to have a lot more conversations before either of you are ready to have sex.
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First: As Dragonflymagic said when having sex for the first time do not commit to any deviant or fetish type sex practices. You want to first learn to enjoy sex as it is naturally meant to be done. Then if you wish to explore the avenues of sex that's fine.
second: By law even if you agree to something in advance you have the right to change your mind, before or during any sexual practice. This is why during some of the sexual deviants and fetishes the submissive has a safe word. The safe word when spoken is the same as saying stop.
Generally when someone is asked to be a submissive they are being asked to participate in BDSM, Bondage, Discipline Sado Masochism. It is in this deviant the submissive can be given different degrees of pain prior to intercourse or disciplined without intercourse. Personally BDSM is not something I think belongs under the heading of sex as very little sex takes place for the heavily into BDSM participants.
If you have any thought of giving into your boyfriend on this I suggest you discuss exactly what he means by submissive. Does he want to take you over his knee and spank you or does he want to handcuff you to the bed cane or whip you.
If this isn't the type of sex you have been looking for, especially for the first time you have sex. Then my suggestion is you find someone else for this man will never be satisfied with plain sex. There is nothing wrong with plain sex which can be very pleasing and exciting without any pain for rather participant.
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My own opinion is that when starting to experience sex for the first time, its best not to commit to any one type of sexual style because not having had it before, you won't know yet what you like until you experience a lot of it with different partners. It wasn't until a divorce and I was dating again that I finally experienced all the things I never did with my ex with whom there was a sexual mismatch between us. SO I learned later in life what I really liked and didn't like in sex and discovered a lot about myself. I tend to be the kind of person who likes a smorgasbord of a lot of different things. You might be too. But if you commit to being a submissive, you'll miss out on other stuff. It wont be the same if you are being ordered to do it. Sometimes, I like to be the one calling the shots.
If done properly, a couple who truly trust each other and have been intimate already, but venture into being dom and sub, will come up with safe words and when used, all activity stops. But theres no way to really know if you can fully trust him ahead of time. Did he explain why he likes submissive girls during sex? And what if he wants you to be submissive at other times too, not just the bedroom.
This guy will only have any power over you that you give him. I have seen the Fifty Shades of Grey and if you have, you'll know that this girl was a virgin, agreed to it, and in the end, after him making decisions for her on things that had nothing to do with sex, without asking her first, and the humiliation she felt as he punished her, decided that no matter if she signed a contract, she wanted out and she left.
If you want to try it with him, let him know you will not agree to being a submissive until you have experienced other type of sex too.
Sex should be an expression of love between 2 people who love each other deeply and as such is called making love. The making love I know is a 2 way street, with the man doing his utmost to please his lady love and the female doing all she can to please him at the same time. When we put our partners best interests ahead of our own, this is truly the best way to experience sex. A couple can take turns being the submissive and doing whatever the partner says.
This man has been around for a year but are you just another conquest or is he in love with you and wanting to make a commitment to be with you for life? Just cus you haven't had sex yet with a man doesnt mean you should jump at your first chance to have it if the man is only wanting another submissive sex partner for the time being instead of a lover for life. Lots of people talk about sub and dom and don't how a vast an area it covers and also how many different idea's people have on what it entails. What he may think is a submissive girl is nothing at all like what you've read. I'd question him more. And if he did not agree to have different types of sex, only sub and dom with you, then you might want to consider experiencing the one type with him and the other stuff with other men. If he isn't willing to do it all with you and must have a commitment to do only the one, then guess what, he's thinking more about what he wants and what turns his crank than he cares about how the sex experience is going to be for you. To me, to remain stuck in a promise to be submissive for a man who isn't even in love and wanting me for the rest of his life, as in a wife, is selling myself short. No love, no reciprocal, partner pleasing sex, sorry but if it was me, I'd pass on it.
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