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Don't Know How to Feel About What My Mom Said
Let me start by saying that I didn't mean for this to be so long, but I think it's important for you to know all of the details. Last Tuesday, my mom and I went out to dinner and I don't remember how, but she got on the subject of the four days of her life that she wished she had to do over. The day I was born was on the list, although not for the reason I probably made it sound like.
I was my parents' second child and my sister was like ten days late. She was supposed to come on new years eve and when she still wasn't born, my mom had to check into a hospital and have a C-section the next day. My mom never went into labor with her.
I was supposed to be born on September 18th, but my mom went into labor on the 6th instead. My parents were about 45 miles from home visiting my grandparents for labor day weekend when it happened. My mom didn't want to go on that trip and my other grandparents (her parents) tried to talk her out of it, but they went anyway. When she went into labor, she wanted to go to the hospital, but my grandmother who I love, but who doesn't make very rational decisions and who didn't want them and my sister to leave, said she couldn't be in labor because it was too early. My mom knew otherwise, but my dad was trying to please my grandmother and refused to go to the hospital.
She went into labor at around lunch time on Sunday and late that night, she was in such pain that she said she'd go to the hospital herself if my dad didn't take her. He didn't think that' be safe in her condition, so they went and by the time they got to our hospital back home, my mom couldn't even walk. I had flipped in her stomach, so she had to have a C-section and I was born early on Monday morning, about 12 hours after she went into labor.
I was born with a bruise on my face and a crooked smile, which the doctors said was probably just temporary. They called it Bell's Palsy and said it probably happened because I hit my face on one of my mom's ribs or something because she was in labor so long and I was trying so hard to get out.
Technically, I guess I don't have Bell's Palsy anymore, but I still have weakness. I had surgery and now I have the ability to smile straight, but it's hard to know when I am unless m looking in a mirror. I can't move my left eyebrow up and down and I can't wink my left eye or completely close it when I blink, which has severely damaged my vision.
My parents worked hard to keep me from being sensitive about it and I'm not really. It's not nearly the worst thing that could happen to a person at birth and I'm glad that's all that happened that night. I got teased in school a little, but I didn't really care. I just brushed it off and told myself that those kids were ignorant and if they were going to be such jerks, it's not like I wanted them as friends or anything anyway. Other than teasing, I've never really had any problems. In fact, there have been a few positive things that have come from it, including life lessons I've learned, the way it's helped shape my personality, and the people I've met with the same problem.
My mom feels terrible about it, though. She said she should have gone to the hospital herself when she first went into labor or gotten my granddad to take her. I kept trying to tell her that it was okay and I'm not upset about this problem, but she said it was just because I was such a good problem (sorry if that sounds arrogant). I also told her that she couldn't have known that was going to happen and she said, "But I was your mom, I knew something was wrong, I should have gone to the hospital sooner.)
Why is she making such a big deal about it? I've had this problem my entire life, I thought we'd all learned to deal with it by now, but she still feels so guilty about it. To be honest, she's making me feel bad. Why does it have to be such a big deal? Why is it such a big deal that she got so choked up about it? I mean, at least I don't have CEREBRAL palsy like her friend's son. At least I didn't die at birth like my friends' triplet brother. To be honest, I do kind of wish this hadn't happened, but I like to think it was part of God's plan and it was supposed to happen, but my mom acts like she doesn't even believe that. She and my dad spent years trying to teach me that there was nothing wrong with me, was that all BS? That's what she's making me think by acting like this. Also, how can I make her feel better?
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Your Mom can't help how she feels just like you can't help how you feel. She clearly has not gotten over the guilt, and that is something for her to work through on her own, should she choose to. Her position is understandable, because parents want to protect their children from harm. Yes, she's grateful to have you, but she may feel that she failed as a parent because she could have done something to save you from this condition, and didn't. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, of course there isn't. It just means that she's holding herself to standards of perfectionism and feels responsible for wrongdoing. In her mind, she could have done better and didn't, that's really what the issue is. The blame isn't hers to take, but unfortunately, she's taking it. And I really feel for her, I hope she can, one day, find a way to move forward.
All you can do is reassure her that you don't fault her for it and encourage her to not hold it against herself. Maybe you could try this angle: Try telling her that she kept you from harm because she helped give you the skills you needed to defend yourself from judgmental people. Give her the example of being teased at school, and let her know that you paid those kids no mind because of what she taught you. Tell her that it is because of her guidance that you've been able to accept yourself as you are, and that you know she had your best interest at heart. She wasn't a bad Mother for not getting to the hospital sooner, she was a great one for giving you what you needed to have such a positive outlook and to love yourself. There is no need for her to feel guilt about what she can't change. Let her know you appreciate all she and your Dad have done.
I really, really hope that helps. I hope that getting her to see the positive impact of her parenting skills will help her let go of the pain she's been carrying so long, and put an end to this self-blame cycle. I also hope that you will be able to feel better about this, too, and that you know that her feelings about this situation are completely separate from how she feels about you.
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The situation surrounding the hours before you were born are regrettable obviously, but shes a parent and is going to feel however shes going to feel about it. It really is just one of many situations in life what are usually classified in the "shoulda, coulda, woulda" file ya know??
It happened, its done, and no one can go back and fix that. The healthiest thing to do after something like that is to just try to move forward in the best way you/she can.
My mother actually was HOMELESS with my brother when she found out she was pregnant with me and TOLD me that she was going to abort me but changed her mind suddenly. Now if THAT something someone ever doesnt want to hear, i think i might have won here. hahaa
But really, I told her that under the circumstances i would have understood....thats all you can really tell someone when they tell you something that is that powerful. I didnt say it for me, i said it for her, and im glad i did even if there was just a small, tinyyyy hint of me in there that deep down didnt agree with that 100 percent. However on the whole i did understand and could see that in my mothers situation, it would have been the best move.
you dont have to tell her that shes making you feel bad ok, this is all just a part of getting older and understanding other peoples feelings. Just try to have sympathy, and let this allow you to see her in a newer light.
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Honestly, your mom's shit isn't your shit.
It's that simple. Your mom is going to hold on to things, and see them through a different lens than you do, because she's a different person. That doesn't make her wrong, but it does mean you don't have to agree with her interpretation.
Your mother thinks she made a mistake. She thinks that her choices may have hurt you. That guilt is hurting her. Any mother was likely to feel that way in her shoes. That doesn't mean there is something 'wrong' with you, that means she feels she failed to protect you from avoidable harm.
The kindest thing you can do is let her know that you've never blamed her, and if she wants your forgiveness she has it. Let her know you've never felt 'harmed' by her, even if she
You can't make the guilt or worry go away. She's held on to it your entire life and you can't fix it for her. She has to decide to let it go. All you can do is own your own feelings and beliefs, and be kind to her.
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big hugs!! I know this is so difficult for you to understand but if you ever are a parent one day you will. I will try to explain it you.
When you are a parent you don't want ANYTHING to happen to your children and when it does you beat yourself up for EVERYTHING. You are absolutely right this isn't the worse thing and they meant what they said about nothing being wrong with you but it must have been difficult to deal with knowing that there was a chance where things could have been different.
It doesn't discredit anything they taught you... you are perfect! but there was an event and as a protector you don't want anything to happen to your child especially that early.
Here is the other side ... your side.
I don't blame you for feeling that way and it makes total sense!
I think you should tell your mom that you understand her but it makes you feel bad hearing her speak about you that way. Handle it in a delicate way. Sometimes parents learn from their children and I am sure she will learn from you on this.
These conversations shouldn't be with you or at least not so deep because it will leave you feeling the way you do.
Please forgive your mom and definitely have that talk and give her lots of love :)
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As a parent I know how and probably why your mom feels as she does. I'm not sure I have the words to explain why other than to say you will understand why better when you become a parent.
There are some things mom is probably not sharing with you about the time just prior to your birth. You wrote that she did not want to make the drive to your grandparents. It may be that instinctively she knew your birth was imminent or her obstetrician had told her that you could be born any day and she should stay close to the hospital. For whatever reason she made the decision to go to your grandparents. She is blaming herself for not standing her ground because for reasons she either won't say or may not even know she changed her mind and went.
Your Palsy was avoidable and for that reason she is not going to forgive herself. While you don't blame her and you have learned to live with the minimal effects of the Palsy this is something as your mother she cannot forgive herself for.
The only thing you can do is to be supportive and continue to remind her that you do not blame her and that you are very lucky for even if she had done everything right things could still have been worse for you and her. Tell her you love her and remind her that you love her all the time when you are with her.
You can tell her you forgive her though honestly I believe that doing so will only feed her guilt. While you can't ignore the effects of the Palsy you do not have to reaffirm them all the time either is what I am getting at.
One thing you left out of your story is what your dad says or how he feels. Does he say anything to you about this?
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