I know what it's like to be alone and confused, with nowhere to turn and no one to help while darkness threatens to envelop you completely. No one should have to deal with these feelings on their own. We all need help and someone to listen. That's where I like to come in, if desired. I don't want to see anyone go through what I have. We are all human, and we all feel. I believe that emotional release is the only way forward, and that all emotions are valid.
I'm happy to offer perspective on anything troubling your mind. My advice will always be honest, but I will try to deliver it with kindness. Truth can be painful sometimes, but I feel that in the end it is more helpful than not, and necessary for real progress. So, I can't make any exceptions - truth is what you'll get every time.
It is my belief that we are all entitled to live the happiest life we can, and it is for that reason that I always do my absolute best to assist people in making decisions that I think will benefit them most. I want you to be happy, and I hope you want that for yourself, too. If you do, together we can attempt to make it happen. :)
Website: Soul Structured Lines
Gender: Female
Member Since: February 2, 2016
Answers: 4
Last Update: February 3, 2016
Visitors: 521
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Let me start by saying that I didn't mean for this to be so long, but I think it's important for you to know all of the details. Last Tuesday, my mom and I went out to dinner and I don't remember how, but she got on the subject of the four days of her life that she wished she had to do over. The day I was born was on the list, although not for the reason I probably made it sound like.
I was my parents' second child and my sister was like ten days late. She was supposed to come on new years eve and when she still wasn't born, my mom had to check into a hospital and have a C-section the next day. My mom never went into labor with her.
I was supposed to be born on September 18th, but my mom went into labor on the 6th instead. My parents were about 45 miles from home visiting my grandparents for labor day weekend when it happened. My mom didn't want to go on that trip and my other grandparents (her parents) tried to talk her out of it, but they went anyway. When she went into labor, she wanted to go to the hospital, but my grandmother who I love, but who doesn't make very rational decisions and who didn't want them and my sister to leave, said she couldn't be in labor because it was too early. My mom knew otherwise, but my dad was trying to please my grandmother and refused to go to the hospital.
She went into labor at around lunch time on Sunday and late that night, she was in such pain that she said she'd go to the hospital herself if my dad didn't take her. He didn't think that' be safe in her condition, so they went and by the time they got to our hospital back home, my mom couldn't even walk. I had flipped in her stomach, so she had to have a C-section and I was born early on Monday morning, about 12 hours after she went into labor.
I was born with a bruise on my face and a crooked smile, which the doctors said was probably just temporary. They called it Bell's Palsy and said it probably happened because I hit my face on one of my mom's ribs or something because she was in labor so long and I was trying so hard to get out.
Technically, I guess I don't have Bell's Palsy anymore, but I still have weakness. I had surgery and now I have the ability to smile straight, but it's hard to know when I am unless m looking in a mirror. I can't move my left eyebrow up and down and I can't wink my left eye or completely close it when I blink, which has severely damaged my vision.
My parents worked hard to keep me from being sensitive about it and I'm not really. It's not nearly the worst thing that could happen to a person at birth and I'm glad that's all that happened that night. I got teased in school a little, but I didn't really care. I just brushed it off and told myself that those kids were ignorant and if they were going to be such jerks, it's not like I wanted them as friends or anything anyway. Other than teasing, I've never really had any problems. In fact, there have been a few positive things that have come from it, including life lessons I've learned, the way it's helped shape my personality, and the people I've met with the same problem.
My mom feels terrible about it, though. She said she should have gone to the hospital herself when she first went into labor or gotten my granddad to take her. I kept trying to tell her that it was okay and I'm not upset about this problem, but she said it was just because I was such a good problem (sorry if that sounds arrogant). I also told her that she couldn't have known that was going to happen and she said, "But I was your mom, I knew something was wrong, I should have gone to the hospital sooner.)
Why is she making such a big deal about it? I've had this problem my entire life, I thought we'd all learned to deal with it by now, but she still feels so guilty about it. To be honest, she's making me feel bad. Why does it have to be such a big deal? Why is it such a big deal that she got so choked up about it? I mean, at least I don't have CEREBRAL palsy like her friend's son. At least I didn't die at birth like my friends' triplet brother. To be honest, I do kind of wish this hadn't happened, but I like to think it was part of God's plan and it was supposed to happen, but my mom acts like she doesn't even believe that. She and my dad spent years trying to teach me that there was nothing wrong with me, was that all BS? That's what she's making me think by acting like this. Also, how can I make her feel better? (link)
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Your Mom can't help how she feels just like you can't help how you feel. She clearly has not gotten over the guilt, and that is something for her to work through on her own, should she choose to. Her position is understandable, because parents want to protect their children from harm. Yes, she's grateful to have you, but she may feel that she failed as a parent because she could have done something to save you from this condition, and didn't. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, of course there isn't. It just means that she's holding herself to standards of perfectionism and feels responsible for wrongdoing. In her mind, she could have done better and didn't, that's really what the issue is. The blame isn't hers to take, but unfortunately, she's taking it. And I really feel for her, I hope she can, one day, find a way to move forward.
All you can do is reassure her that you don't fault her for it and encourage her to not hold it against herself. Maybe you could try this angle: Try telling her that she kept you from harm because she helped give you the skills you needed to defend yourself from judgmental people. Give her the example of being teased at school, and let her know that you paid those kids no mind because of what she taught you. Tell her that it is because of her guidance that you've been able to accept yourself as you are, and that you know she had your best interest at heart. She wasn't a bad Mother for not getting to the hospital sooner, she was a great one for giving you what you needed to have such a positive outlook and to love yourself. There is no need for her to feel guilt about what she can't change. Let her know you appreciate all she and your Dad have done.
I really, really hope that helps. I hope that getting her to see the positive impact of her parenting skills will help her let go of the pain she's been carrying so long, and put an end to this self-blame cycle. I also hope that you will be able to feel better about this, too, and that you know that her feelings about this situation are completely separate from how she feels about you.
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So I'm a 20 year old, female. Recently I've met a guy who is 22. I've only been on one date with him and we seem to really hit it off. He says he can see us being in a relationship eventually, but I am also afraid he's like the rest of the guys. Most guys throw me to the side, or ignore me. He hasn't done that yet, and he said he wouldn't but I just can't seem to believe him. The thing is though, he lives an hour from me and comes to visit me at college. He works a lot so he never has time to text me... So I feel like sometimes he's losing interest in me because when we text he takes forever to respond or its only one word answers. I'm just trying not to get too attached to him and I feel like I am. Or maybe I'm just over thinking things? I mean I really like him and I want him to know that, I'm just afraid to tell him and I don't want to scare him off or push him away... (link)
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I definitely think you should give him a chance to prove that he's not like the other guys. Chances are he isn't. It's not fair to either of you to base things on past experiences with completely different people.
The fact he drives out to see you does show he has some interest, but the fact that he says he could see a relationship "eventually" shows he's not quite committed to a particular path yet. That's fair enough because you've only dated once, and I'm not sure much connection has developed in order to inspire more commitment on his part. Considering the distance, conversation is important here to keep it alive, even if just texting for now.
One word answers and taking ages to respond to texts is a bit concerning, because usually, when you really like someone you're anxious to communicate with them daily in some form or another. I don't think you're overthinking this particular aspect. That said, some people tend to not be great at constant communication like this. If this is something that's important to you, then you could perhaps discuss it with him and come to some sort of compromise. Tell him how it makes you feel. I think what's happening here is his short, delayed responses are making you feel ignored and confusing you, which is only worsening the fear you already have. This may not be his intention, but if he can see how this is affecting you, he may give the reassurance you need plus work to communicate with you more. Talking about it is important because it will only lead to frustration down the road otherwise. That discussion and his actions thereafter will give you insight into where this connection could potentially go.
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I'm 18/f.
My ex broke up with me exactly a year and 5 months ago, (wow) August 30th, 2014 and I think i'm pretty much still yearning for him although i don't want a relationship with him. It's just sexual and I know its a bad idea but it's all I wanted. Now i just want to lose my virginity to eliminate that 10% of want i still have for him. But there is a problem with this.
The friend that I have in mind has had sex with at least 8 other girls. There is a girl who lives close to where his father lives that he goes to see (pretty rarely actually), and he just received a blowjob for the first time from another friend of mine about 2 weeks ago that he used to have a crush on (but that might end anyway, she said to me that she is "already bored" lol). At the same time he and I might become friends with benefits. Even though if I start to have sex with him I would be the most frequent (and most exciting) one, that's 3 girls he's going to be having sexual contact with at least occasionally, and that's a possible STD or STI I might get. I don't want that complication, but I really don't think i can afford to wait any longer, I might go crazy.
I'm still thinking about sex with my ex and its driving me crazy. I can't just look for someone else because no one will match what I'm looking for, then on top of that I want to be sexually compatible with the guy. That will take too much effort.
I don't want to want my ex at all. I don't want to want anything to do with him but a part of me still doesn't know what dignity is. So I want to kill that part of me. I know that my friend and I are sexually compatible enough, and he likes my body and I like his body but we would never date each other (he has even told me he makes a horrible boyfriend, and i know exactly what he's talking about), SO IT'S PERFECT because I don't want any of my relationships to start off as just sex anyway. It would just be a mistake.
This friend was the one that I went to on the occasions when I was missing my ex really bad. He's a good listener, and I appreciate that, this is how i know he is totally worthy of having a girl like ME lose her virginity to him. He has been so patient and kind to me. I'm even starting to fantasize about him. This is a huge, really big sign because for the whole time I had feelings for my ex, I had dreams and fantasized about him and only him (we're talking, over 2 years of me being completely sexually focused on him, yes including the 4 months of me just admiring him and the 2 months of actual talking) and I'm finally done. Now I'm just waiting until I start having dreams about my friend for more encouragement that I'm really done. I'm excited and scared and preoccupied with birth control and I need to talk to him about getting tested, etc. Being a virgin is so annoying...
So, my question is: Would this be a mistake? I am 100% sure I'm ready to lose my virginity, but I'm not sure if this will solve my problem. It's really a priority in my life. I don't want to be in love with my first love forever, like they say. Not even a little bit. No, thank you
Thank you for reading and being in my brain for a little bit. I appreciate it and I hope you have a great day because they all are :) (link)
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Unfortunately, this isn't going to solve your problem. I understand your desperation to move on, heartbreak is a tough thing to deal with. This will satisfy your curiosity for sex, but emotionally it will leave you as empty as you are now. Because at the end of the day, your desire is for your ex, you wanted your first time to be with him. Your mind won't forget that just because you've chosen sex with another...
In order to get over your ex properly, you must work through each emotion you are feeling. Do whatever you need to do to express and get that anger, sadness and pain out of your system. I know it hurts, but it's the only way forward. And it doesn't matter how long it takes. First loves are the hardest to get through.
Losing your virginity to your friend seems logical, because he's trustworthy, nice and respects you. But it could complicate things down the road, and once you go there, there is no going back. It is a huge risk, and you really need to decide whether or not it's worth it. Could you handle losing your friend on top of the already lost ex? We'd like to hope that wouldn't happen, but it is a potential. And even if you don't lose him, you will lose some part of what you have currently, because dynamics will change. Is that something you're truly ready for emotionally?
There is no rush to lose your virginity. The right person and time will come around. Instead, I would suggest trying to work on getting over your ex, and hopefully in the future you will find yourself with someone who is interested in more than sex.
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This guy and I really like each other and we both reciprocate it quite well. Trouble is we work together. A few days ago he told me that although he did wanna have sex with me he didn't want a relationship. He said he didn't just want it to be sex with me and didn't want me to be hurt. When I asked why he said because he thinks working together is too much and he doesn't want a girlfriend at work. He does still like me and is usually brutally honest about how he feels and etc. he says if I didn't work with him or find a new job he'd really want to try and get into a relationship. In fact he insisted that. What should I do? (link)
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If you would prefer a relationship, then might be best to stay out of this one. It's clear that he's not willing to commit while you two work together.
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