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Getting too attached?
So I'm a 20 year old, female. Recently I've met a guy who is 22. I've only been on one date with him and we seem to really hit it off. He says he can see us being in a relationship eventually, but I am also afraid he's like the rest of the guys. Most guys throw me to the side, or ignore me. He hasn't done that yet, and he said he wouldn't but I just can't seem to believe him. The thing is though, he lives an hour from me and comes to visit me at college. He works a lot so he never has time to text me... So I feel like sometimes he's losing interest in me because when we text he takes forever to respond or its only one word answers. I'm just trying not to get too attached to him and I feel like I am. Or maybe I'm just over thinking things? I mean I really like him and I want him to know that, I'm just afraid to tell him and I don't want to scare him off or push him away...
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The question here really should be what is it that you are looking for right now in a guy?
The reason for the question is not for me, I dont need the answer but you do. you need to have reasonable expectations as well as someone on the same page as you.
At this age, not many guys are ready to be in a steady committed relationship. They are only just starting to figure out the dating process and may not yet be sure of what they want in a girl, especially if they are thinking ahead for long term. There is dating just for social interest, someone to hang out with once in a while, not on any regular basis but someone to go out with once in a while and dating on the social level for more often to meet but with no strings attached,no commitments, and there is dating done just for the experience, to get even an inkling of what it is that you like and don't like in a person so you can form a solid idea of what that person would appear and act like so you can recognize each other once you meet. Then there are those who know what they want and are actively looking for their mate for life. Since there's many reasons to meet up with and go out with a person, its a Must to know at what level of dating the other person is at because otherwise, you may be wasting your time. I think that may be where you are at.
This is actually the stage at which you are just starting to get to discover things about someone else. Things went well but if its hard to find time to spend together so you and he too can be sure that each one is a keeper and fall in love, then its unlikely you'll both learn whether to pursue each other or stop it all now.
I can say that one thing that gets a guy thinking more serious about the dating process is if he knows he isn't the only one in consideration. I found that out after a divorce when I went on a dating site and got lots of guys wanting to meet me. If the initial meet up went well and they wanted to see me again, I told them I was not making any commitment to one person yet. Like the interviewing process for a job, I would be checking out several promising sounding guys to be fair to them all, and after I've seen them often enough to be able to make a good decision, I would then let all the guys know and stop seeing the ones who didn't get chosen. But this is something you want to bring up in the beginning, that you aren't waiting around for him but will be seeing others. I had a list of what I had as needs in a guy. YOu'll have your own list too based on many things, past relationship stuff you learned you do like, don't like, and perhaps how you were raised or what homelife was like. For example, A gal with an alcoholic Dad who beat the whole family will not feel comfortable with a guy who likes to go out drinking, even if he doesnt get drunk. I knew someone like this. Just the smell of alcohol on a mans breath would make her freak out and hyperventilate. She needed a man who didnt drink at all. So my list got some guys upset because they couldn't meet my criteria and others were honest and said they probably dont meet one of them but met all the others. Depending on what point they couldn't meet, I might still consider meeting them. When you can be sure what it is you're looking for and you're not afraid to ask for it up front, the moment a guy shows interest in you, then you will have more success. At 20, you don't have much life experience and at least you're writing here for advice, something I couldn't do anonymously at 20 cus no computers and internet yet. I am sure you may be mature like I was but maturity is still a far cry from the knowledge of life experience.
So I recommend for you to make your list, start seeing as many guys as initially interest you, or those who seek you out. Don't expect much at the start. But if a guy wants to be in your life consistantly, then he's interested. If ones job or schooling or where they live makes it hard or impossible to date, then they really can't be any more a serious consideration for boyfriend or mate than any other handsome guy on the street who is a stranger to you. Hitting it off once is great. My ex and I did too. But after we married, he became verbally abusive. The signs were there before marriage I now know looking back but at 2o I didnt have any life experience yet of my own nor did I ask other people what they thought. My friends most surely would have said something if they know I was serious and wouldn't be offended by their honest answer.
Also, stop the texting dear. Texting should be minimal and not a number one way to communicate with someone else. An honest to god phone call of hearing their voice is better because you don't have to wait for answers and you get to hear the tone of voice to know when a statement is serious or a tease. In person is the very best way to talk, face to face so you get the benefit of facial expression and body language as well. I've read that the largest part of communication is not verbal but all the rest I've mentioned. So if you rely on the smallest part of it, printed text, sure you're gonna be disappointed. Try a test only to ask him when he's available for a phone call and call him instead of texting. Do all I've mentioned and it's certain to put you in a better position for dating experience and finding someone for whatever you want them for than by continueing on as you have. If you have any more questions, just write to me. Good luck
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I definitely think you should give him a chance to prove that he's not like the other guys. Chances are he isn't. It's not fair to either of you to base things on past experiences with completely different people.
The fact he drives out to see you does show he has some interest, but the fact that he says he could see a relationship "eventually" shows he's not quite committed to a particular path yet. That's fair enough because you've only dated once, and I'm not sure much connection has developed in order to inspire more commitment on his part. Considering the distance, conversation is important here to keep it alive, even if just texting for now.
One word answers and taking ages to respond to texts is a bit concerning, because usually, when you really like someone you're anxious to communicate with them daily in some form or another. I don't think you're overthinking this particular aspect. That said, some people tend to not be great at constant communication like this. If this is something that's important to you, then you could perhaps discuss it with him and come to some sort of compromise. Tell him how it makes you feel. I think what's happening here is his short, delayed responses are making you feel ignored and confusing you, which is only worsening the fear you already have. This may not be his intention, but if he can see how this is affecting you, he may give the reassurance you need plus work to communicate with you more. Talking about it is important because it will only lead to frustration down the road otherwise. That discussion and his actions thereafter will give you insight into where this connection could potentially go.
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Stop thinking he will be like other guys. Give him the benefit of the doubt. Learn to live in the now and let things unfold over time rather than forcing it or wondering what if. You will drive both him and yourself nuts. If it is meant to be it will unfold that way.
Sometimes people are indeed very busy or working and may not get the time to respond at length. An emoji or one word answer is acknowledgement. If he went out of his way to see you at your college than that means something. I would sit back, relax and wait and see for a few weeks. Above all unless he e-mails or tweets you first don't to him. That way he has no excuse for seeing you negatively.
You have to show him that you like him have priorities outside of texting him or waiting n his next move if he makes one and get your mind off of this and enjoy life. If he's interested he will come through.
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