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I'm not ready for sex but my boyfriend is really pushing me to do it
Hi I'm June and I'm 16 and my boyfriend is 17 soon to be 18. You've probably heard this sort of situation tons of times but my boyfriend wants to have sex and we've had this conversation multiple times of how I feel I'm not ready and I have told him my decision was no and the other night the subject came up again and I told him I wasn't ready but he wasn't really accepting my answer and he was like if you trust me you'll let me do it. I trust him a lot and I really like him and he knows that but I myself just don't feel ready and he kept pushing for me to change my mind and I gave in and said I'd have sex with him and now I'm gonna see him sometime this week and he wants to do it, idk what to do I'm scared and I'm not ready to have sex but he doesn't want no for an answer what should I do. I love him a lot but I'm just not ready, any advice is helpful.
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The most important part of this is that you are not ready! Anyone who cares about you will respect that.
Its great that you feel you can trust him and that you love him but if you are not ready the final answer is no.
Once you have sex he is going to continue wanting it which is only going to make you feel worse.
So sorry to say if he cant accept no and he doesnt want to be with you anymore its his loss.
Yes you will be sad but you deserve someone that values your feelings and how can you trust someone that doesnt care about how you feel with something as big as having sex.
Think about how you will feel if you give into this before you are ready and allow that to guide you with your decision.
Sorry you are going through this! xx
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He should value you more then he values his desire to have sex. If you're not ready to have sex or anything else for that matter and you say no, that should be the bottom line. Remember there is a difference between pressuring and forcing. You're still in control of whether you have sex with him even if he is pressuring you. And if he can't understand and respect that, he isn't the one for you anyways. Hoped that I could help :)
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He should respect you enough to understand what you want from the relationship. Sex doesn't always have to make the relationship and don't ever feel pressured into it because you like him that much. You clearly state that you are not ready and chances are you are 100 percent not, so explain this to him and know when to walk away if he doesn't respect your decisions. Always remember that boys aren't all that and you're only 16, theres plenty out there who will accept your conditions of the relationship and devote all respect to you.
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Honestly, if this guy doesn't respect that you don't want to do it with him, he's just not right for you(in my opinion). When my mom was your age she was dating this guy for awhile and then he wanted to do it and she was like "no way, Jose!" so he broke up with her, but she didn't care because he didn't respect that she had her own choice about it.
Hope I helped! :D
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And one more vote supporting everything adviceman and razhie said. This guy is trouble, stay away from him. This means breaking up with him and not having anything to do with him anymore.
Young boys will be horny young boys wanting to try out sex, but after one No, maybe even a 2nd one, that should have been it.
What I think might help for you to know is that whether the other person notices this consciously or subconsciously about you, your self confidence goes a long way to solving issues like this.
You state to a guy what you will and won't do. Then he pushes the boundary to see if he pushes hard enough, can he tire you out so you're tired of fighting him and give in? Its much like parents setting rules for their young children. Kids will be kids and push the boundaries to see how the parents react. If the parents give in, the kids will never ever follow any rules or respect the parents and become total unruley brats.
In this, young females are much like the parents in this role of having to teach a young man what is acceptable in a relationship and what is not. Parents cant walk away from their child if it keeps misbehaving, but teens and adults in a relationship can walk away and break up if the relationship is not a healthy one. What a young female will accept in behavior from a teen boy will set up the young man for how he deals with girls and acts in later relationships.
I mentioned self confidence. To me, as far as a relationship, it means stating up front as soon as the guy shows interest in dating you, your rules and boundaries, telling him what you expect in behavior and manners and how he treats you, from any boyfriend. If he can not follow these very simple rules, then you will have nothing to do with him.
What you have trained him so far, is that you will keep stating the rule, no sex for me, I'm not ready, as many times as he asks. Kids do this to try to break down the parents. You've seen them in the groceries or elsewhere in public with the kid asking for a product or toy and when the parent says no, in seconds the child repeats their request, willing to ask it umpteen times if just one time the parents get tired of the asking and break down and say yes just to have some peace. It should not have progressed past the 2nd no to him to clarify or hammer in your stance on this. You don't have to have a reason or explain yourself either. So he has now been trained that if he asks long enough, a girl will get so tired of the asking that she will break down and let him have what he's asking for, like a little bratty kid who parents never bothered to work with him and train him right from wrong or good manners. If the parents failed, its up to the young girls to stick to their resolve and not let a guy treat her in ways she doesnt like. This is a situation where the clearest message you can send is to say at this point, "I should h have said so earlier, but even if you ask a thousand times for me to have sex with you, it won't change a thing making me give in to do so. I said yes, only to get you to shut up and now in thinking about it, realize I am going about this wrong. YOu are not the kind of guy that I deserve for a boyfriend. I have been settling for way less. I am not so desperate for a boyfriend that i will continue to be your girlfriend. This is over right now. Call him with that message, or text or email it and do NOT go anywhere alone with him or out of frustration or to get back at you, he may force you. He's already sexually harassing you and its easy for him, so its not a big step for him to go for raping. In this case, I would say the same to my daughters, dont meet face to face to tell him, its not being chicken and unthoughtful, but wise and brave to stand up to him and end it in a way where you don't put yourself in danger. If he persists by trying to follow you around school or catch you elsewhere, you need to tell your parents, Dad too, not just Mom. Dads are protective of their girls and someone sexually harassing his little girl needs to be brought by him and you to the attention of school officials if warning him to leave you alone in public places doesnt work. You have to be harsh when dealing with people who wont take no for an answer and don't believe in following rules.
The very fact you've stayed as his girlfriend even when he hasnt respected your answer sends him a message that you are a weak person and can easily be swayed from what you want, stand for, your morals, etc...if only enough pressure was applied. A person weak in character is more easily manipulated and tricked into giving control of their life over to another all because we think giving in and allowing them to control us, means life will become good and normal. I married at 20, didn't understand this and jumped to every whim of my husband, allowing him to control me until I tired of it and then when I put my foot down and stated how I expected to be treated, he was already too happy with what he had and turned to fear to keep me in check.
So when you say, "I really like him and he knows that..." this is his leverage against you, the string he will pull his entire life to get what he wants from any girl. Why I believed no guy better than him would ever notice me if I left him, I don't know but I suspect he's figured you feel like that too, that you won't find any other guy who will treat you better. This is what happens when the girl waits for a boy to notice her and ask her out rather than taking the reins in her hands and the control too. Decide what you want. Look for guys who seem to be good prospects whom you're attracted to and asking them out. You date a while to get to know a guy better and let them know right in beginning what you want and also what you won't tolerate. Let a guy know you will remind him only once if he makes a transgression against you and after that, you will break up if it continues. If all is still going well during dating and no warning signs of similar behavior or other bad behavior have not come up then become gf/bf. A guy will know up front this way, what is expected of him and its up to him to decide if he is willing to follow your rules to be able to date you or not. Many won't and thats good, you've just erased some losers off the list. A lazy guy who wants his way is not ever going to be an equal partner and loving one in a relationship.
So, no matter what you promised....Dont See him this week, no way, no how!!!
I could say, oh, its just sex, the first sex is bad for everyone and you;ll get over it. That may be true for many but that is only the surface issues here, a symptom of bigger problems with this guy which you will discover in time if you decide to stick with him. Its still your choice dear, but all of us are rooting for you to sprout some Balls and stand up to him for the final time by breaking up and never going near him again.
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I don't know where to begin there are so many things wrong here.
1. Do not go out with him he does not respect you and DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIM. Any guy who says things like, "If you love me you will have sex with me," or as your boyfriend said; "if you trust me you'll let me do it." These guys do not know the meaning of the word love and certainly do not feel love as you do. What they feel is lust and confuses that for love.
2. You have said NO. That is the end of conversation under the law. To continue to harass you or push you to have sex with him is SEXUAL HARRASMENT is PUNISHABLE UNDER THE LAW AS A FELONY.
3. You should not have sex with anyone until you are ready. IF you intend to remain a virgin until you marry that is your right and no one has the right to coerce you to have sex with them before you are ready. If you have sex with him it is not consensual sex even though you said you would because he has coerced you into doing so. Sex with him now would be RAPE.
4. While I cannot speak to the true legality of your situation of the moment. To my mind I would say based on what you have written at the present time a case could be made for attempted rape based on how he has coerced you into having sex with him. If you have sex with hi then it is rape.
I'm old enough to be your great grandfather so I've been around for some time. I was around for the sexual revolution and free love era of the 1960's. What this means is I have seen a lot and I am offering you the wisdom of my years.
This boy is just plain horny and he lusts for you. He does not feel love the way you do and he does not love you the way you love him. Tell him you are not going to have sex with him and if that is all he wants from you tell him to take a hike.
I know it is easy to say and hard to do but in this I know what I am speaking off. I know this feels like true love but it is not. It is a first love and there will be more. Hopefully you will not suffer many broken hearts before you find Mr. Right. Mr. Right will be the guy that wants you first and what you can do in bed second. You will understand this better in a few more years. I had a few broken hearts in my younger years. Then I met my wife and come July we will celebrate 45 years together.
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Until he respects your answer, it would be best not to see him. Honestly, it's not safe to put yourself in the same room with a guy who thinks that you have to 'prove' you trust him by doing something you don't want to do.
It takes a lot of bravery to stand up to a bully, but that is what he doing right now, bullying. Tell him now, even if it's just via text, that you meant what you said when you said you weren't ready for sex and that you don't feel comfortable seeing him again until he accepts that answer. Because it's truth. And he owes it to you to respect the truth you tell him.
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