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Does it sound like we're moving too fast?
Long story short, I've been dating my current boyfriend for exactly two weeks. We're both 21, in college, and follow Roman Catholicism fairly seriously in most aspects.
From the start our relationship was different. I don't want to sound cliche at all because I didn't believe this really happened before I met him (and I have been in previous long term relationships) but it was like the very first time I saw him something in my world changed and two days later after a magical first date, we were officially a couple. We get along so well and he's everything I want in a significant other so I'm really dedicated to making this work because I can really see myself being with him for a long time.
Luckily, he feels the same way and seems head over heels for me. I also know about the whole honeymoon phase thing, but I've been in those before and this isn't the same kind of feeling.
The only thing I'm kind of worried about is that he's only had sex once before and his other sexual experience is very limited. I've had sex a few times (with my previous LTR), but otherwise my experience is also a bit limited so I was hoping I would be able to take things slow in that department so we could learn together. However, that hasn't really been the case. We're both set on not having sex until we're at least engaged which is great, but already we've gone pretty far and I'm worried about it.
He says he doesn't want the physical part of our relationship to overwhelm the rest of the elements because he thinks that's unhealthy, but then every time we're together in one of our rooms he gets physical with me very fast, even when I try to talk him out of it. I also don't mean to make him sound pushy, but I just can't imagine how long we can go being on the brink of almost having sex without giving in to that when we're only 2 weeks in and I feel like we've already gotten very close to that.
The previous person I had sex with I was engaged to and a marriage seemed imminent, but looking back at it now I wish I hadn't had intercourse with him because obviously marriage didn't happen and I don't want to make the same mistake twice. However, I'm not even sure how much it really matters when neither of us are virgins. It doesn't seem like that big of a deal at it's core because it's not like we'd be doing anything we haven't before, but it's really the sanctity of our promise to not do it again unless we're engaged and I take that very seriously and he seems to as well, but our actions lately might lead to that promise being broken.
I think it sounds like we're moving too fast, but I also feel like I can't say anything about it because I don't want to scare him, especially knowing how religious we both are. I don't want to make him feel like he's doing something sacrilegious and then have him end our relationship out of fear of that.
I don't know what to do. I tried to slow things down last night, but it just didn't work and now he's already talking about what we're going to do tonight and I know if I put my foot down that he's going to see it as me not being comfortable with what we did last night and he'll get scared and feel like he did something wrong.
Any advice would help...
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I'm not sure that any of us can truly give you an answer to this question so I'm going to make some suggestions one of which is my patented answer for any questions about sexual relations between two people.
Neither of you are virgins making being a virgin on your wedding night impossible. From a religious standpoint the only thing not having sex until your married does for you is that neither has carnal knowledge of the other before marriage. Is this really true if you two are making out. How far do the make out sessions go? Do you allow him to finger you, do you masturbate him? Have you engaged in oral sex? If you have engaged in any type of this sex play then you have carnal knowledge of each other so the question now becomes why wait. This is a talking point the two of you need to discuss.
For any relationship to succeed, this is the patented advice, there must be trust and communication. Both of these are dependent on each other and can be built. In order to have a good sex life partners have to be open to each other about their likes, dislikes and needs.
No one can tell you if your moving too fast as everyone moves at their own pace. What comes next is when to have sex. Since neither of you are virgins and you seem to be into each other then why play the virgin game if what you really want is to have sex? Why run up to the edge and put the brakes on just before going over the edge? For one thing this is not healthy for either of you.
You both need to sit down and discuss your sex life just as you would and should discuss any other part of your future life together. Do you both truly want to wait until the wedding to have intercourse because from the sounds of what you have written that's all that's missing.
I believe you will find, if you are honest with each other is that you really want to have a sex life together and possibly look forward to living together before you actually marriage. This is the way things are today. While it may be against the church's doctrine it is not against the way life is to day for about 85 to 90 percent of young people today.
While you two are deciding this question you should consult your doctor about birth control as well as keep condoms handy. Keep some in your purse for when your at his place. Condoms are a must and not just for pregnancy prevention and need to be used even if you are on birth control until you are both tested for STDS and the HIV/AIDS virus. Once you are checked and both can prove you are disease free then you can stop using condoms if you wish but I would suggest you continue as condoms + birth control meds are 99.999 % effective in preventing pregnancy.
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You aren't comfortable with what is happening. If he thinks that, he's right. If that scares him a bit, good. That means he gives a shit that his girlfriend is not comfortable. He should care about your comfort.
You don't think what you are doing reflects the boundaries you'd discussed togeather, or the boundaries you believe your religion places on pre-marital sex. It's not that it's 'sacrilegious'. It's much more important than that: It's not what you two discussed and agreed on.
When you tell him that you need to discuss boundaries again, and limitations, he's going to feel hurt and maybe even scared. However, his words and his actions aren't lining up. That doesn't make you mean and it doesn't make him evil, but if you don't talk about the disconnect between what he is saying and what he is doing, you are both going to end up very confused and hurt. Also, possibly very angry.
Whatever agreements a couple makes, those agreements need to be honoured. That's not what is happening here either. Either he is ignoring the agreements he is making, or he doesn't understand them the same way you do. Either way, you need to clarify.
So have this conversation. If you don't, the relationship is off to a terrible start. You need to make sure that you understand one another. You also need to make sure that he can keep promises he makes to you and himself, and honour his commitments. If he 'can't help himself'. Then he doesn't actually believe and value what you do.
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