sizzlinmandolin's advice column

I sometimes take long breaks from the site. I'm more than happy to answer anyone's questions, but just make sure they're not too time sensitive. :)

Facts about me:
*happy
*employed
*married
*large extended family
*bisexual
*advanced college degree
*no kids (yet)

advice

I'm a seventeen year-old girl, and I am so shy that it's beginning to affect my relationships (well, has affected my relationships).

I wasn't shy as a kid. I don't know if my shyness came from simply outgrowing my childlike lack of self-consciousness, or if it was because
I moved out of the U.S. when I was twelve and into the country where my parents were born (South Korea). It's been five years, and obviously my Korean has improved since then, but I had a lot of experiences with teasing (though it wasn't always bad-natured) and I gradually grew quieter and quieter. I'm still not pefect at Korean, but what I really lack is the confidence to try.

People seem to think me cold, closed, and reserved (and snobby) when I'm simply very painfully shy. By "shy" I don't just mean that I blush easily (though I do) or talk quietly (though I do, in Korean at least). I mean that I NEVER look people in the eye, I don't say "hello" to people I know when I see them in the street, I don't smile (yes, I'm self-conscious about that too), and the list goes on!

Disasters where the cause was shyness-
I had a crush, and for awhile I was sure that he liked me too. But I was so disgustingly shy around him that he thought I was being unfriendly and backed off.
I've been taking dance class for about three years (!) now, and by now I should be pretty well acquainted with the teachers, right? (Since I go every day). Wrong. I greet them when I arrive and say "bye" when I leave, but I hardly make eye contact, and I feel awkward smiling or laughing or acting natural. My brother says that when I'm in public, I have a "strained" smile on my face.

I'm miserable because I'm really a friendly, easygoing person but my shyness is forcing me to project a false image of myself. And also because I want more friends/acquaintances (yes, even though I'm shy, I'm social at heart--I like being around people), but I don't know how.
Obviously, you can't tell me how to become better at Korean, but try to imagine it the other way around: how would you advise a shy foreign student not very proficient in English, if she came to whatever country you live in?

Sorry about the length. Please help; I don't have an account here and I think you are the only columnist for the job.

Thanks in advance.
-V

Most everyone acts differently around different groups of people. For example, you're not going to behave in the same way or do the same things if you go to a theme park with your mom as you would if you went with a friend. I think what's happening to you is that once you got to Korea, you were very shy for quite awhile, which is very natural. Now that you know the language well and have adjusted to your new situation, you are kind of stuck. Around people in Korea you are shy. If you came back to the United States to visit and saw some of your old friends you wouldn't be as shy around them. It would probably be a huge relief to be able to let it all out. That wouldn't solve the problem though. I would say that I experienced the opposite as you. I was shy in middle school and high school, but I'm not shy at all when I'm around new people. I have a difficult time making friends though. It's not that I'm hard to get along with or particularly shy, but when put into a new place I feel like everyone else already has a set group of friends and I would just end up being that annoying little tag along. I don't have problems talking to them, telling them things, or joking around, I just don't participate in anything or hang out with them. I think that is what you are feeling. You don't feel like other people want you hanging around them all the time because they already have all the friends they need, plus there's the fact that you are different. From my experience, everyone always loved the exchange student. People will accept you if you are confident. You have so much to offer to Koreans. Their culture is quite different from ours and they will love the stories you can tell. What you need is something that you can get confidence from in your new environment. Try getting away from the same kids in school. Get a job or find some other way to meet completely new people. Now that you've gotten over the shock of being in a new country, you can start out the right way with these new people. The next time someone offers to hang out, go for it, don't politely decline. Being a tag along for a little while is the only way to gain acceptance at all. That is the first step. If nothing is happening for you or you aren't able to get out and meet new people, you are 17. In a year (I think?) you will be out of school and your environment will change FOR you. Take any chances that come your way before then, but you can always fall back on that. When you meet new people try to relate them to your old friends. For example, "Kana" might be a lot like "Susan" from home. That may help you come out of your shell with that one person easier. All it takes is one person. One big leap and everything else will fall into place. Keep your eyes open and be ready to jump on any opportunity, just as long as it's safe of course. I hope that some of what I said will help you and I wish you a lot of luck. Thanks for having so much faith in me, I really hope that it wasn't for nothing. :)