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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
Right. Okay here goes, I am 26 and a female to male transexual. I have been with my loved one (biological male and pressumed to be straight) for a year and 2months(relationship wise, we've been best friends for 7 years.)
From the start of our 2nd year of knowing each other I started telling him about certain thoughts and feelings I've had since childhood. (He's not really prejudice towards any of the lgbt comunity but he is slightly homophobic.) He gets defensive/mad/insecure if someone of male gender comes on to him, or if he's called "f*g" by rude people. To not make this too long about 2 years ago before we got together I started identifying as male in everyday life. I came out to my family, friends and coworkers. That's all honky dory. Now when he noticed this we had an argument where he yelled at me: "YOU CAN'T BE A MAN." ..No doubt that hurt me. Deeply. I stoped talking to him for 3months.
(I have had a crush on him since about, a few months after we met. We dated briefly the first year we had met, but I ended it due to the fact I knew I was transgendered but not out and that he was straight.)
He kept calling, texting and even showed up to my workplace to apologize; I forgave him even though it still hurt. We got through that and a few months after he suddenly starts getting very touchy and clingy. He then started making random weird comments very out of character for him, such as: "You'd look good as a man, that guys hot just saying, I don't like guys but you're an exception."
The last one sort of pissed me off, because I wasn't sure whether that meant he saw me as an equal male or less than male. I didn't ask. Through the stretch of those two years up to the year bfore I medically started transitioning; there were numerous times I tried cutting off communication with him. Because the clingier he got, the more fear I felt of falling deeper "in love" with him and then losing him once I began HRT & SRS.
It didn't work. I began HRT and I obviously began changing physically. He then seemed to have withdrawn from his touchy, flirty ways. It sort of hurt, because it felt as if maybe he was being like that because he didn't think I would change? That and I'm sure it meant he was no longer physically attracted to me..
From there on we were just best friends and that was it. Since we'd been so close for awhile people began to think we were a "gay" couple, when we'd hug or be "too happy to see each other," while hanging out. (I pass very well.)
This annoyed him and he outed me in one occasion, which hurt even more from above all things that had happened. He apologized quickly and even said he deeply regretted it. So once again I forgave him, we only got closer.
But than on my second year having been on hormones and 8 months post-op from having my chest reconstructed we started going to clubs and the beach (Where I practically ripped my shirt off almost immediatly..lol!!) I began getting a lot of attention from males and females.
And since I'm pansexual I didn't mind it. I then noticed he got jealous when a girl would come up to me first instead of him? Or if a girl he had began chatting up started chatting me up instead. I figured he was jealous. I don't mean to come off as cocky, but I do work out and put a lot of effort on being presentable. And I've always been more easy going and like sparking conversation with others on about everything I know; which is quite opposite him.
So when ever a girl started chatting me up prior to him having sparked conversation with her, I made an excuse and left. I then met this guy at a bisexual club we went to for our friends birthday. We hit it off immediately and became inseparable. We were very flirtatious towards one another and I was beginning to see my now boyfriend/at the time best friend; Just that, a best friend.
But he all of a sudden began getting annoyed when.."A" started tagging along with us, or he'd get upset if I went out with him alone. It got to the point where he told me he didn't like A, and that I shouldn't date him because "I was too good for him." Not true obviously. I told him we were only best friends, like him and I were. He just went on to ignore A.
Well A and I are close friends still, but he ended up getting a boyfriend. Which I was happy for him, because surely enough I had started spending more time with (current bf the one this is all about) again and found I still had feelings for him.
Now finally, the beginning of the year we started dating. He was overly jealous when other guys spoke to me and seemed interested. But didn't mind if females did. He had recently began to "joke" when guys came up to me, saying "Leave my boyfriend alone." or "He's dating someone." It really pissed me off! When I asked him what the bloody hell his problem was he shocked me and replied he loved me and if I'd be "his."
I ugh, blindingly said yes. We began dating. Now 3 months into our relationship I started having anxiety issues due to my lower half..and since he began to go about it the wrong way I'd get upset and not want to.."be intimate" with him. (Due to his refusal of using the preferred terms and wanting to dominate to the point of being slightly over physical.
Our relationship suffered and still is because of that, we've managed to stay together just by avoiding anything other than oral for him and anal for me. (Sorry didn't know how else to put it.) Now a year and 2months into our relationship he recently started chatting up females and introduces me as just a "friend." He never makes moves on them but he does flirt horrendously with them. He won't be affectionate in public, has yet to tell his family we're dating and wards away other men of speaking to me.
I'm here to vent, clearly. And to ask what should I do?!! I AM SO FED UP. I want to end things but don't know how; Part of me is hoping we'll work out. But I don't see that happening. I feel shit. :(
The Answer
Break up with him.
He's already broken up with you, in a dozen little ways, and in most of the big ways. He's failed to respect you, again and again. It's never really been working out - its not going to start working in near future either.
At best, this guy doesn't have his shit together enough to be honest with himself, or you, about the nature of his sexual attraction and desires. At worst, he's fetishizing you and deliberately disrespecting the truths you tell him about yourself.
If you want off this guy's emotional roller coaster, then you need to break up with him AND stop being his best friend, at least for a while.
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The Question
I went out last night with a few people from work (some who came along I hadn't spoken to before) There were a few of us and we all got pretty drunk. We ended up going back to one of the guy's house and after having more drinks we decided to stay over and go to bed.
One of the guys got into bed with me and starting kissing me, we hadn't spoken much during the whole night. He started hugging me and tried having sex with me but I said no. After that he continued kissing me, getting on top of me and kissing my neck. After that we just ended up talking for hours until he noticed I was going to sleep so he pulled me in closely towards him and spooned me. When I woke up this morning he was awake and hugging me. We Haven't properly spoken since apart from him talking about some of the things I said last night. Do you think he seems interested in me or just wanted sex?
The Answer
He wanted sex.
He might also like you - but last night he just wanted to get laid and was hoping you we're game.
Far more important question now: Do you like him?
If not, I doesn't really matter what he wanted, or what he might want in the future. If you are interested in getting to know him a bit better, then talk to him while you are both sober!
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The Question
We're both girls and we were best friends for about 10 years. Now that we're in college, everything has changed. She complained that I got everything too easily when I won my full academic scholarship, and she called me a selfish person for getting more (after I had explained to her about my money situation: older sister in college, having to pay for other things that didn't get covered by the scholarship, like summer classes, extra hours, books, etc). She said I didn't deserve these scholarships.
She never had anything positive to say to me anymore. When we would hang out, I always asked how she was doing and such; when she asked me, she seemed to not even care. She would stop texting me if I mentioned new friends from college (I live on campus while she lives at home) or my boyfriend at all. She would always get mad at me if I said I had to study in place of hanging out with her.
One last thing: we work together and she complains that I'm just too busy to take or switch shifts with anyone. I'm just a bad coworker to her it seems. I heard from her brother that I don't even deserve to have a job because I essentially don't have to pay for school.
It just hurts me so much. We used to be so close and now she is so negative towards me. I don't know what I did wrong. Please help me. Why is my supposed friend doing this to me? Thanks in advance!
The Answer
She's jealous and disappointed in her own situation.
It sounds like you've moved onto campus, have additional classes it sounds like, have scholarships and other obligations.
So, she's jealous.
You can't solve that for her.
You can tell her that she's being hurtful and unfair. You can tell her that you value her friendship even though your life has changed. You can tell her you'd like to be friends again, but you can't make her 'not feel jealous', so the problem might not be one you can solve.
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The Question
Okay, my friend doesnt like me like i like her but she always doing things for me like she bought me a guitar, gave me some money, and stuff. and like to hangout with me, we use to sit together at lunch and stuff, but when i ask her out she told me she doesnt like me like that...why do she do the thing she does and give me false signals, why is she so caring, but doesnt want to give me a chance.
The Answer
We don't know why your friend gives you gifts, and enjoys your company, but doesn't like you 'like that'. It's a mystery why we like some people as friends, and some people we would like to date.
She isn't giving you 'false signals' if she is telling you straight out 'No.' she is just being the kind of friend she wants to be.
Back off. You've asked and she's answered. No other signals matter. If you want to hold on to the friendship you do have, you have to respect her when she says she isn't interested.
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The Question
Hi.
My best friend moved to Australia this year in April 2012. She had a thing with this guy over there but that didn't last long.
So about a month ago she told me she was dating someone else. She's 28 & the guy is 19. They started dated 17 November. (I only know the date cause of the facebook anniversary date thing) & on 20th December she messaged me saying he proposed and she said yes.
I'm not jealous or anything. I just think she's making a really big mistake. They've only been dating a month & also living together as her lease was ending at her other place. I don't know why she didn't just move back to her aunties house.
Do you think I should say something to her? I'm a bit scared to tell her how I feel cause I was abused by one guy I was dating last year & she was really supportive when I was going through a really rough time. I don't want her to rub that in my face.
We've fought over our relationships with guys before & now that she's marrying this one I think our friendship will end if I say something.
I told my two sisters that my friend got engaged as they know her too. The first thing they did was laugh & said "Is she pregnant?" "Does she want to live in Australia permanently?" & "She's weird, it's only been a month, what the heck."
I've known my friend since I was 15 in Year 10. I'm really stuck about this & don't know if I should say something to her or not.
Any advice would be good.
Thank you :)
The Answer
Look, you are not an idiot, and neither is your friend.
You both know that this is unusual and risky.
Tell her you are surprised and concerned. If she doesn't take it well, back off, but chances are she's had to address the concerns of family members and other friends too.
Don't judge. Don't say things like "You're crazy!" or "This will never work".
Instead, tell her what you feel "You are my friend and I'm worried for you." or "I'm surprised and don't understand."
Remind her that you are far away, and can't see her or see them together, so you have to take her word for her happiness and certainty. Hopefully she can tell you some things that will help you know she is certain and aware of how unusual (and risky) this sort of arrangement is.
In the end, of course you have to respect her choice and be happy for her, but that doesn't mean pretending to be crazy, or lying about your concerns.
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The Question
My wife Is vêry sick and in the hospital have worked for walmart only two weeks wé desperatly need this oppertunity ive already had to miss two days due to My wifes sickness she Needs me today would i ne fired
The Answer
It's possible. Your rights as far as taking time off to take care of a sick family member will vary from state to state.
The best thing you can do is explain the situation to your supervisor honestly.
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The Question
DO NOT READ PAST THIS POINT IF YOU ARE UNDER 16 PLEASE . I Wanted to know if i'm the only one who has 1.been caught having sex and 2. been embarassed then looked back and found it funny.
So me and my boyfriend went on a romantic stroll and sit on the beach,time passed and we eventually had sex. I hear somebody on the phone saying something like ″Dude this guy is doggy stylin this sexy chick, get down here″ i think nothing of it. surely i miss heard him, right? My BF then goess ″i dont remember streetlights round here″ i look up properly and find out we were infront of some blokes house. Theres now roughly 10 audiance members on the bank cheering. we grab our clothes and run like shit!!
come oon, share your stories!! Tasha
The Answer
There is no way to stop someone under 16 from reading this. (and really, telling them not to pretty much guarantees they will.)
Because this site can be read by anyone, and can have users as young as 13, explicit 'sex advice' is against the rules on Advicenators.
Soliciting sexy stories would definitely be against the rules, and not really asking for advice either.
There are literally millions of places online to read and share and stories about public sex. This just isn't one of them.
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The Question
Ok I'm 19 and my boyfriend
Is 20.
We has been dating since we were I'm middle school.
We are in love.
We have not had sex and are both virgins.
I'm having trouble making him horney and making him hard
How could I make him hard and horney
And make him cum
Through text?
Without him watching porn.
The Answer
Ask him.
Different things turn different people on. Not many people would reach orgasm simply from things written in texts. Most people can masturbate to orgasm, and most people (women and men) watch porn, and enjoy it.
If you want to know what your boyfriend enjoys, and what you can do together, ask him. He's the only one who can tell you what works for hm.
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The Question
Hi this is a quick question.
me and my boyfriend are planning a family, he already has a child with a woman who he never see's because of the mother and whose tried to split us up numerous times. He knows I'm not fond of the thought he has a child (I've never met him and don't want to either that's not the issue.)
The issue is well there's two.
One: I'm worried he'll always compare our child to his, as in I've read lots of comments from parents saying nobody could ever give them the feeling their first born did, the other kids had to earn the affection and that thought tears me apart since it'd be my first child and then the other thing I think is since he rarely gets to see the other kid it would have a lot more meaning to him when he does, while the child we have who he would see everyday might seem so much more trivial... ontop of everything else theres a huge questionmark over whether the first is even his since they look nothing like each other and the ex slept around alot and was sleeping around when it would of been concieved
The other question I need is we have a clash of oppinion. his first kid has his name as a middle name and he told me if we had a son he'd want our son to also have that name. I feel like that's taking the piss though, parden my french, my child will be mine I don't want them to have any association with the other one at all especially not to share a name! I think he'll take that the wrong way but as I have brothers myself, my eldest got the privilege of having my dads name, and in my eyes that's what it is, a privilege that another has already gotten. If you could maybe help me find a way to explain this feeling to him it would be greatly appreciated as I don't think I've said anything wrong in my opinion. and no comments about how horrible I am to dislike a child, that's my own feelings and we already talked that one through, he's fine with it.
The Answer
He's fine with you disliking an innocent child - HIS innocent child - just because you want him all for your own family?
Hate to break it to you, but no father would be truly 'fine' with his life partner resenting or disliking his child. They may be your feelings, and sure you are enetitled to them, but that doesn't make them 'not horrible'. Disliking a child, and blaming them for the curicumstances of thier birth is horrible.
If you want to be with this guy in the long term, you should seek therapy, together or by yourself, because your resentment and selfishness will destroy this relationship sooner or later. The child is always going to be in his life - you might not be.
The fact that you continue to resent this poor child, and worry that your boyfriend will be excited to see them on the few chances he does, is poisonous. The kid gets to grow up without his dad, and you are worried about what? That your child won't feel loved because once in a blue moon thier dad has the rare privilege of spending a day with his other kid.
You know who is going to make your child feel unloved and nervous about thier dad? You are. With your petty and cruel assumptions that there isn't enough love in a persons heart for more than one child. Your child might learn to be jealous of your boyfriends other kid, because you'll teach them that! Unless you suck it up, be a grown up, and treasure your partner as a the great father he is to all his kids.
I agree with Karen completely - this relationship is doomed unless you find a healthier, more mature and loving way to deal with your emotions towards this other kid. Your approach right now is damn near hateful, and even if your boyfriend is okay with that (and he's not) its not actually okay to behave that way and its destructive and disrespectful to think that way, if you keep trying to force your boyfriend to choose between his other kid, and a family with you, you might end up with nothing at all.
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The Question
if you do slept with 10 more guys is it possible that you can have an infection or possible infections in your vagina?
The Answer
STDs are infections spread through sexual contact. No matter how many partners you've had, if one of them had an STD, you might have caught it.
The more people you sleep with, the more risk there is that someone might have an STD.
There are also infections you can get in the vagina that have nothing to do with sex (even virgins can develop these infections) so if you are uncomfortable, you should talk to a doctor to find out exactly what is wrong.
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The Question
Ok so I need advice Because the girl I'm talking to, her parents don't trust me cause they don't think I'm a virgin. But I am the reason the may say this is Because I'm 16 and I act very mature in front of her parts and not play around. I am a virgin also I just need to know how to show them I still am so that they will trust me with there daughter. And also I'm a guy and she is 14.
The Answer
There is no way to proven your virginity.
The only way to gain thier trust, is to behave yourself: keep your plans, obey thier rules and respect them.
Trust is always earned slowly. Even if her parents are concerned about what they believe to be your sexual past, it is still far more important in the long run to be honest and trustworthy, than it is to be a virgin. So focus on proving yourself that way.
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The Question
I notice that I have a social problem. I'm very kept to myself and it's not very inviting to people who want to get to know me. How do I become more social? It's kind of hard for me to make friends because I don't like to go out much. I'm an architecture student, so having social skills is necessary especially when presenting our project. But when I have free time, I like to catch up on my sleep. I don't understand how other architecture students can do it, but they go out and party and have fun even if they spent the previous night doing an all-nighter. I'm also more of a listener than a talker, but when I listen to people talk... I often don't relate to them because I really think that there are ways they could have prevented the situation but if I say that then in a way I'm telling them that they are wrong. Who wants to be told their wrong? Most people who talk about their problems are seeking some sort of comfort and are looking for support. If I agree with them, I'm truly not speaking my mind, but if I speak my mind then they won't agree with me. I don't appreciate that I have to put up a front to talk to other people, and it gets exhausting. Sometimes we connect and I can relate to them, and it feels like I'm free. But most of the time I just don't care to speak my mind.
The Answer
Get more generous.
You don't need to put up a front, or lie, and I'm not saying be a doormat either, but you do need to cultivate a greater spirit of generosity and a deeper respect for others.
And maybe the people you are around most of the time make that difficult! Maybe they are mostly whiny shitheads, but if you want be more at peace speaking with others, give them some more space to be whiny shitheads and stop taking it personally. It IS exhausting to always know better - and maybe you do always know better when it comes to the people around you right now, it doesn't matter - give people, even whiny shitheads, a bit more benefit of the doubt and respect, and stop trying to solve problems for them. Instead, trust them to solve their own problems, if they really want them solved.
If you can make this switch in your own mind. If you can begin to accept that other people know best for their own lives - even when they are being whiny shitheads - an amazing thing will happen. You'll stop sounding righteous or know it all when you give advice, because you'll be coming from a place inside where you have accepted that you honestly don't know it all when it comes to other people's lives. You'll be more respectful, and you'll even probably find people are more likely to hear your advice.
You'll also stop caring so much when they don't hear you, and don't take your advice. I won't matter as much, or exhaust you the same way.
Once you can do that, you can start to figure out which people are just way too much whiny shitheads to spend time around, and which people might have their moments, but can work through them.
We all have to socialize and get along with people who are being dumb some of the time. We all have to listen to someone's problems more than once, even if the solution is obvious to us, some of the time. The fact that this is upsetting you isn't just 'everyone else is crazy' you are making it worse for yourself when you cultivate a lack of respect for others choices and and don't give them space to make their own mistakes. You are making yourself miserable and alienating I yourself because you aren't letting other people just be other people, who feel think and choose differently than you do.
Yes - it's also important to find people who feel, think and choose similarly to you. Those are the people you are more likely to have good friendships with. But if you are talking about socializing with classmates, coworkers and less intimate friends, you need to take a deep breathe, and offer some more respect to them inside your own mind. They will like you more for it, and you will like them more for it, and you won't be so unhappy either.
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The Question
So I've had the same dream for 3 nights in a row now and it's really starting to scare me. It feels so real, but of course when I wake up, I'm fine.
So basically the dream goes along the lines of this guy who rapes me in my house. He gives me a needle with some kind of disease in it and then dashes off. I've never seen this guy in real life, and actually he looks almost like a cartoon, but he's a real man. Orangle hair, dark black moustache and he likes to disguise and travel everywhere to avoid the cops. So basically I tell the cops, and they go searching for him, but for some reason we're searching inside my house. So I wait in the closet where it's safe, but the cops totally miss him as he sneaks in my room, into the closet, rapes me again and almost kills me. And it keep happening in every dream.
There is more too it, but it would take forever to write every tiny detail. What does this mean? A dream of rape, does it mean something? It's freaking me out, someone please help.
The Answer
Although different cultures and faiths choose to interpret dreams in different ways, they do not actually 'mean' anything in any defined or objective sense. Your brain is just making connections and firing away in your sleep. It is just not necessary to apply deeper meaning to it.
Just like dreams of falling or drowning - dreams of death are very very common. Although I haven't seen studies on it, I suspect dreams of rape are pretty common as well - it's a very basic fear and a compelling, if upsetting, idea.
So honestly I wouldn't be overly worried about the subject matter of the dream, what I'd be asking myself is why it's recurring. Recurring dreams are unusual for most people. If they aren't normal for you, you might want to try and reduce your stress levels or get some more exercise so you sleep more soundly.
Whenever you aren't happy with something your mind is doing the very first step s to make sure you are taking good care of your body.
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The Question
Hello, F/17
I have been with my Muslim boyfriend for 6 months now. Although not a very long time, we are both very happy with each another and often talk about our life together in the future. I'm a white, non-muslim woman and he is a Pakistani Muslim. His parents don't know about us, I know we are very quite young, but I would like him to tell his parents about us, but I think he's just too scared. Obviously because I'm white, I would convert into Islam, infact I'd love to convert. He says his family would approve if I converted, but if I didn't then they wouldn't approve. Like I said, I'd love too. I'm unsure whether this is all worth it, I mean I do love him, we have been friends for years & now started to date 6 months back... How do I go about all this? Telling our families, working it all out as a family together?
The Answer
Before you get engaged, before you convert 'for him' - hell, before you even go out on another date - you both need to be honest with your parents about your relationship.
Are you going to be able to marry this guy and have a family together?
No. Not if he is so terrified of telling his parents he's dating someone. If he can't tell them about you, as you are now, a white non-Muslim girl, then you have very, very little hope of a mature, respectful partnership in the future.
He might be right to be scarred - but here's the sticky part - if he is actually too frightened to tell his parents about you, then he shouldn't be dating you. If he can't be honest with his parents, then he is not mature enough to be in respectful and honest relationship with you.
If you are interested in being with him forever, or in converting, those are great things to be thinking about and discussing, however, those are long term plans and in order for them to have ANY chance of coming true, first you need to be sensible and respectful 16 year olds, and both tell your parents about your relationship. That is step number one. Everything else follows from that act of honesty.
If he doesn't take the relationship seriously enough to tell his parents and stand up for his own choice, then his parents will have no reason to take the relationship seriously either, and they will resent both of you for your dishonesty - and although they might be wrong to disapprove of you because of your religion or race - it will be perfectly just of them to disapprove of being lied too.
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The Question
How to see that girl are ready for blowjob? I do not mean a girlfriend. But any familiar girl or women, and also the ones who you just met. What are the behaviour, words cues and signs. Maybe it is visible by her eyes?
The Answer
It's not visible in her eyes.
You'll know a women would like to give you a blowjob if
ONE She says "I'd like to give you a blow job." or something similar.
TWO She begins to perform oral sex on you.
Or THREE You ask her to give you a blow job and she says yes.
There are no sure signs, no tricks and no hints anyone can give you. All women are different. There is no magical, one way to get a women to perform oral sex on you, and no one way a woman looks when she would like to perform oral sex on you. All women are people, and all people are unique.
The only thing that means a person is willing to have any of kind of sex with you is when they TELL YOU they are willing to have sex with you. If you would like a blow job, be friendly and respectful, and ask nicely.
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The Question
12 and F
So I was on YouTube and saw a comment. I only read a little cuz I knew it was one. I read: "I'm an 18 y/o egyptian boy" then stopped and came here because I'm really scared. I don't know what the "consequence" is, but do you believe those are real? I'm scared!!
The Answer
No. Chain letters are not real.
A stupid, mean person's comments online can't hurt you, any more than your computer monitor and keyboard could suddleny spring to life and slap you, or a monster in a book could suddenly jump out of the pages. Chain letter emails are not living beings and they are not magic. They cannot track you down and they can't physically do any more harm to anyone than any other email or comment you, or anyone else, can write.
The best thing you can do when you see one is ignore it. Like all forms of bullying, ignoring it is the best first step to stopping people from sharing it. If someone you know sends you one, you should tell them how rude it is to foward these made-up and upsetting stories.
If a chain letter is still upsetting you (even if after you remind yourself that it can't possibly hurt you) then talk to someone about it. Sometimes we just need another person to remind us that nope, that kind of thing is pure fiction.
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The Question
OK i'm a 13 year old girl who lives in Georgia and i just broke up with my boyfriend who is 16 and lives in Illinois.
He was willing to cheat on me with my best friend. My best friend and I, were asking him questions to see if he wanted to be with me or my best friend. He wants to be with both of us, but my best friend doesn't really like him anymore, but its just the fact that he would be willing to cheat on me with her, which makes me so angry.
I was already really pissed at my best friend's little brother the other day. So my boyfriend was basically adding fuel to the fire, which was making me really mad and i didn't second guess myself. I cussed him out and I was so pissed I didn't have time to calm myself and think straight. I cried my eyes out last night when i broke up with him, and now I AM second guessing myself... I want to get back with him, but i'm so worried he will cheat on me... I've already sent an apology text, and he hasn't answered yet... I'm going to try to get back with him, so my question is:
How can i make sure he won't cheat on me, and how can I make sure we can be together for as long as possible?
Because i really do love him... please help! :'(
The Answer
You are 13, dating a 16 year old boy, long distance.
Honey - even if he didn't want tobe with your best friend, this relationship was probably not going to work out for very long.
Maybe you did overreact, but that doesn't mean you should still be in a relationship with him. He's insensitive and a bit dumb to be talking that way to his girlfriend. Not a guy who is emotionally wise enough to be in a long distance relationship in a respectful and caring way.
So, even if he never cheated on you, it doesn't mean this relationship is good enough for you. It doesn't sound like it is.
We can love lots of people, but loving someone doesn't mean they are a good match for us, or that they are able to treat us well.
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The Question
I have this coworker who has a problem and every chance they get the same subject is brought up to me and everyone else in the company. I am singled out and asked how do I do it with so many kids. So, me being a parent I can relate. Now, when I respond in a way that I relate because I have a child with the same behavior at home and give advice on what did to curb the situation. Is that saying she has to listen and shes held to how I did it example I was told Im being adament about it. But I wasnt forcing my answers on her. Frankly, I wanted to say so what are you going to do about it OR I am not only experienced in that area but I can totally relate. Now everyone elses reaction to her is just listening and quickly go about their business. They also dont have any children.
The Answer
A lot of people, even here on this site, don't actually want advice.
They just want to be heard - they might even just want to whine. Sometimes, the last thing they want is a solution.
If your advice wasn't accepted, you might want to consider your approach - it never hurts to think about how you could have done better or communicated more clearly - but it's more likely that your coworker just wanted to be heard out.
Since she is just a coworker, and not a close friend, it's probably easiest to simply listen to her, or excuse yourself from the conversation in the future.
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The Question
My fiancée and I have been together for five years. We are both 28. We have a beautiful one year old daughter together. Before we were pregnant, he spent his days off fishing and shooting guns with his friends and it wasn't that big of a deal. After we had our daughter he spends his two days off and sometimes takes a day off to go fishing. I'm a stay at home mom and I take care of our daughter 24/7. He may feed her and give her a bath. Lately we've been getting into arguments about the amount of time he fishes. He admitted to me that he will never stop fishing and that if I don't "get over it" that this relationship will never work. I don't care that he fishes. I care that he's never here and he doesn't care. He doesn't think it's a big deal. Is this something I just have to deal with or is there any hope in him changing?
The Answer
Well, you tell him he's right - if he feels that he absolutely must be free to enjoy his leisure sport, ever weekend, and on frequent weekdays, with no negotiation or input from his life partner, than this relationship will never work.
In fact, almost not relationship could ever work, so long as he behaves in such a selfish, arrogant way.
Because that is not okay, respectful, or fair. You didn't sign up to be a constant babysitter and single parent to your child while he fishes, or plays golf, or played boardgames with friends. It doesn't matter what his leisure activity is - he doesn't get to simply demand that all his spare time gets devoted to it. You and his daughter deserve a present and attentive husband and father. You also deserve at least some leisure time of your own.
You don't need to deal with it - unless you want too. If you can't deal with this, then you need to start being clear about that. Stop letting him be the one who says "If you can't handle this, it's over" and start standing up for yourself - If he can't be respectful, then it is over.
If this is a deal you can accept, okay. If this behavior is a deal breaker, let him know.
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The Question
Ok so here it is. My boyfriend and I have been having alot of trouble with our relationship the last few months. We have been dating for almost a year and a half now and have lived together pretty much since the beginning.A few months into the relationship I started noticing a few things with him. He would be very secretive. For the first 5 months he wasnt working. He was having a hard time finding a job so things were financially tough for us as I had to pay for everything. I had no problem doing so as long as he showed he was trying. During this time he would come and go whenever he pleased. He would be gone doing I dont know all day long and always have a reason to skip out in the evening. I wasnt too worried as I was very happy with him. He treated me like gold and was very sweet. Said all the right things. He said he loved me and wanted to marry me.
Once he finally got a job things started to change. I noticed he started getting upset when he had to contribute to the rent, bills, food, gas etc. He felt as if he should be able to spend his money whichever way he wanted and if he couldnt help it was not an issue to him. I never once said he had to spend every dime on us but I was at the point of wanting some help financially. When we got together I had a savings and at that point because I was the main one supporting us it was all spent.
Anyway this summer I started noticing that when his cell would ring he wouldnt let me see who it was even when he was sitting right next to me he would get up and move right away.
He would spend over an hour in the bathroom and take his cell in with him. After seeing some weird behaviour by him and also hearing some things from some people, Like when he crashed my car and begged me to take the rap which I did for him he told friends that I was just a girl, just a friend :( Anyway one night I was cleaning our room and came accross a piece of paper with his email address password. I knew it was wrong but I went on his email. I needed to know if he was hiding anything and boy was I right!
I saw that he was on dating sites looking for casual encounters. I saw he had TONS of Private messages from girls through facebook. All that he was flirting talking about how he wanted to F*** them! And asking them for their digits and if they were single. He never once said he had a girlfriend.
All this time I thought we were happy. He said Im the love of his life. We were a family, so I thought.
So when I confronted him on this he got VERY mad and defensive. Blaming me for his wrong doing. All he said for a reason why he was doing it was that he didnt know why and it didnt go any further than texing, phone calls or facebook.
One night I had him drop me and a friend off at a concert. He picked us up that night too. I found out later that he had met up with an old girlfriend and went for a drive. He denies it of course. The thing is I saw a convo of the two of them and he told her he needed to talk and see her and that he wants to see her body and he thinks she wants him. When I talked to het she told me nothing happened that she isnt interested in him that way. He did mention to her that he "kinda sorta" had a girlfriend and that things werent good between us and he just didnt want to hurt me. He told her how he remembered how good the sex was when they were together and if she ever thinks how good it could be now.
That night when he picked me up I didnt know anything. He held me all night long wanting to make love. We have a great sex life. We have sex everyday sometimes more than once. So what gets me is why is he looking elsewhere? Dont I mean anything to him? Why is he using me?
Since I found all of this out the trust is gone and he uses that against me. He picks fights with me for no reason all the time and it always ends up with him saying that he things I deserve better and he cant make me happy so I should just leave and he wont stop me. When we argue he bashes me to the point im begging him to stay. He makes ME feel guilty for not trusting him.
I think he is still talking and flirting and looking for other girls.
What should I do? Am I wrong to be upset and not trust him? Why is he making it out to be all my fault? He gets so mad at me, swears at me and always say when we argue that it all about me, that all I think about is myself...please help!
The Answer
Even without reading your whole question - the answer is no. You can't be in a relationship with someone you don't trust.
After reading the whole question the answer is NO! For goodness sake run away now!
This guy is a user. He was a user from the start. He lived off of you, wreaked your car and left you with the blame, and cheats constantly. Only a complete moron would trust him. He's never been good to you - he only faked it well in the beginning.
He's looking elsewhere because he gets off on cheating, betraying and using you (and probably other women too).
You do deserve better. He can't make you happy. He doesn't even WANT to make you happy. He wants you to stay quiet and miserable while he cheats on you and lives off your savings.
You should actually think about yourself for once and LEAVE HIM. Or more precisely, kick him the hell out. If he isn't paying rent, or on the lease, he might not have any legal rights to stay. You should find out what is allowed and legal, and if he won't leave when he is supposed too, call the cops and have him removed.
I guarantee you the moment you do, he'll head out and find some other girl to leech of off. That is what he is. He's just that kind of piece of shit.
Never believe a person who says "They don't know why they do X." They do it because they want to. Only truly insane people are unable to stop doing things they do not wish to do. Others might find it difficult - but can do it. If he wanted to stop cheating, he would stop. He doesn't.
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