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Ftm transexual dating straightman/bestfriend; Should we break up?
Right. Okay here goes, I am 26 and a female to male transexual. I have been with my loved one (biological male and pressumed to be straight) for a year and 2months(relationship wise, we've been best friends for 7 years.)
From the start of our 2nd year of knowing each other I started telling him about certain thoughts and feelings I've had since childhood. (He's not really prejudice towards any of the lgbt comunity but he is slightly homophobic.) He gets defensive/mad/insecure if someone of male gender comes on to him, or if he's called "f*g" by rude people. To not make this too long about 2 years ago before we got together I started identifying as male in everyday life. I came out to my family, friends and coworkers. That's all honky dory. Now when he noticed this we had an argument where he yelled at me: "YOU CAN'T BE A MAN." ..No doubt that hurt me. Deeply. I stoped talking to him for 3months.
(I have had a crush on him since about, a few months after we met. We dated briefly the first year we had met, but I ended it due to the fact I knew I was transgendered but not out and that he was straight.)
He kept calling, texting and even showed up to my workplace to apologize; I forgave him even though it still hurt. We got through that and a few months after he suddenly starts getting very touchy and clingy. He then started making random weird comments very out of character for him, such as: "You'd look good as a man, that guys hot just saying, I don't like guys but you're an exception."
The last one sort of pissed me off, because I wasn't sure whether that meant he saw me as an equal male or less than male. I didn't ask. Through the stretch of those two years up to the year bfore I medically started transitioning; there were numerous times I tried cutting off communication with him. Because the clingier he got, the more fear I felt of falling deeper "in love" with him and then losing him once I began HRT & SRS.
It didn't work. I began HRT and I obviously began changing physically. He then seemed to have withdrawn from his touchy, flirty ways. It sort of hurt, because it felt as if maybe he was being like that because he didn't think I would change? That and I'm sure it meant he was no longer physically attracted to me..
From there on we were just best friends and that was it. Since we'd been so close for awhile people began to think we were a "gay" couple, when we'd hug or be "too happy to see each other," while hanging out. (I pass very well.)
This annoyed him and he outed me in one occasion, which hurt even more from above all things that had happened. He apologized quickly and even said he deeply regretted it. So once again I forgave him, we only got closer.
But than on my second year having been on hormones and 8 months post-op from having my chest reconstructed we started going to clubs and the beach (Where I practically ripped my shirt off almost immediatly..lol!!) I began getting a lot of attention from males and females.
And since I'm pansexual I didn't mind it. I then noticed he got jealous when a girl would come up to me first instead of him? Or if a girl he had began chatting up started chatting me up instead. I figured he was jealous. I don't mean to come off as cocky, but I do work out and put a lot of effort on being presentable. And I've always been more easy going and like sparking conversation with others on about everything I know; which is quite opposite him.
So when ever a girl started chatting me up prior to him having sparked conversation with her, I made an excuse and left. I then met this guy at a bisexual club we went to for our friends birthday. We hit it off immediately and became inseparable. We were very flirtatious towards one another and I was beginning to see my now boyfriend/at the time best friend; Just that, a best friend.
But he all of a sudden began getting annoyed when.."A" started tagging along with us, or he'd get upset if I went out with him alone. It got to the point where he told me he didn't like A, and that I shouldn't date him because "I was too good for him." Not true obviously. I told him we were only best friends, like him and I were. He just went on to ignore A.
Well A and I are close friends still, but he ended up getting a boyfriend. Which I was happy for him, because surely enough I had started spending more time with (current bf the one this is all about) again and found I still had feelings for him.
Now finally, the beginning of the year we started dating. He was overly jealous when other guys spoke to me and seemed interested. But didn't mind if females did. He had recently began to "joke" when guys came up to me, saying "Leave my boyfriend alone." or "He's dating someone." It really pissed me off! When I asked him what the bloody hell his problem was he shocked me and replied he loved me and if I'd be "his."
I ugh, blindingly said yes. We began dating. Now 3 months into our relationship I started having anxiety issues due to my lower half..and since he began to go about it the wrong way I'd get upset and not want to.."be intimate" with him. (Due to his refusal of using the preferred terms and wanting to dominate to the point of being slightly over physical.
Our relationship suffered and still is because of that, we've managed to stay together just by avoiding anything other than oral for him and anal for me. (Sorry didn't know how else to put it.) Now a year and 2months into our relationship he recently started chatting up females and introduces me as just a "friend." He never makes moves on them but he does flirt horrendously with them. He won't be affectionate in public, has yet to tell his family we're dating and wards away other men of speaking to me.
I'm here to vent, clearly. And to ask what should I do?!! I AM SO FED UP. I want to end things but don't know how; Part of me is hoping we'll work out. But I don't see that happening. I feel shit. :(
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Break up with him.
He's already broken up with you, in a dozen little ways, and in most of the big ways. He's failed to respect you, again and again. It's never really been working out - its not going to start working in near future either.
At best, this guy doesn't have his shit together enough to be honest with himself, or you, about the nature of his sexual attraction and desires. At worst, he's fetishizing you and deliberately disrespecting the truths you tell him about yourself.
If you want off this guy's emotional roller coaster, then you need to break up with him AND stop being his best friend, at least for a while.
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