|
How can I tell him we won't name our child after his other kid?
Hi this is a quick question.
me and my boyfriend are planning a family, he already has a child with a woman who he never see's because of the mother and whose tried to split us up numerous times. He knows I'm not fond of the thought he has a child (I've never met him and don't want to either that's not the issue.)
The issue is well there's two.
One: I'm worried he'll always compare our child to his, as in I've read lots of comments from parents saying nobody could ever give them the feeling their first born did, the other kids had to earn the affection and that thought tears me apart since it'd be my first child and then the other thing I think is since he rarely gets to see the other kid it would have a lot more meaning to him when he does, while the child we have who he would see everyday might seem so much more trivial... ontop of everything else theres a huge questionmark over whether the first is even his since they look nothing like each other and the ex slept around alot and was sleeping around when it would of been concieved
The other question I need is we have a clash of oppinion. his first kid has his name as a middle name and he told me if we had a son he'd want our son to also have that name. I feel like that's taking the piss though, parden my french, my child will be mine I don't want them to have any association with the other one at all especially not to share a name! I think he'll take that the wrong way but as I have brothers myself, my eldest got the privilege of having my dads name, and in my eyes that's what it is, a privilege that another has already gotten. If you could maybe help me find a way to explain this feeling to him it would be greatly appreciated as I don't think I've said anything wrong in my opinion. and no comments about how horrible I am to dislike a child, that's my own feelings and we already talked that one through, he's fine with it.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Your a real piece of work. You hate a child you haven't even met because he is a child of your potential child's father. You need to face the facts that his first born is and always will be his first born whether or not the child is in your lives.
The naming issue is a minor one. Your child can still be named a Junior or a II (second) if you prefer. You can also choose to give the child the name of your father should you wish to.
I don't believe your boyfriend is fine with this issue of you disliking his first child. I believe if he is any type of father to that child then he is placating you. If he is not then you may want to give second thoughts to this man as fathering a child for you.
By law he has certain rights and privileges where his children are concerned even if he does not live with them. He is also required by law to supply certain support for those children. If there is any question as to whether that child is actually his he has the right to ask for a paternity test. The test is non invasive and the mother can be forced to comply.
Should the child not be his then then naming problem becomes mute. The child is not his so the name regardless is not his even if it is the same name.
My advice is: If there is a question of paternity get a paternity test. If need be he can get social services to get a court order. You need to get some therapy for this issue in case the child is his. You need to learn to deal with this or not have children with this man or you will end up being an Ex and worried about the next women he has children with. This is not healthy.
]
He's fine with you disliking an innocent child - HIS innocent child - just because you want him all for your own family?
Hate to break it to you, but no father would be truly 'fine' with his life partner resenting or disliking his child. They may be your feelings, and sure you are enetitled to them, but that doesn't make them 'not horrible'. Disliking a child, and blaming them for the curicumstances of thier birth is horrible.
If you want to be with this guy in the long term, you should seek therapy, together or by yourself, because your resentment and selfishness will destroy this relationship sooner or later. The child is always going to be in his life - you might not be.
The fact that you continue to resent this poor child, and worry that your boyfriend will be excited to see them on the few chances he does, is poisonous. The kid gets to grow up without his dad, and you are worried about what? That your child won't feel loved because once in a blue moon thier dad has the rare privilege of spending a day with his other kid.
You know who is going to make your child feel unloved and nervous about thier dad? You are. With your petty and cruel assumptions that there isn't enough love in a persons heart for more than one child. Your child might learn to be jealous of your boyfriends other kid, because you'll teach them that! Unless you suck it up, be a grown up, and treasure your partner as a the great father he is to all his kids.
I agree with Karen completely - this relationship is doomed unless you find a healthier, more mature and loving way to deal with your emotions towards this other kid. Your approach right now is damn near hateful, and even if your boyfriend is okay with that (and he's not) its not actually okay to behave that way and its destructive and disrespectful to think that way, if you keep trying to force your boyfriend to choose between his other kid, and a family with you, you might end up with nothing at all.
]
Well...You will just have to rate me bad because quite frankly this relationship is doomed from the get go.
He already has a child. You do not have to like that child, but it is his. YOU may be able to just write his already existing kid off, but if he is a good guy, he will not. If you think about it, would you really want a man who could? If you do not accept that child, you will one day be history.
He may go along with not seeing his child right now, but one day he will want that child in his life & will see you as part of the reason he doesn't. If you want a man who is good to you and your children, help him be part of his first child's life weather you like the child or not.
Parents don't tend to favor one child over another. Comparing them to each other though just happens. Not in a negative way, just as in one is not as good at sports as another, or one is better in music etc.
Since he doesn't often see his first child, of course when he does it will be special. Can't help but be. Another reason that child should be a part of his everyday life. If there is doubt of the child's paternity, the sooner he finds out the truth the better.
I think the way you explained the name thing was fine. I would tell him just that way. I don't think I would rush into having kids until you resolve all issues with the first child. They won't go away and will cause you problems down the road. If you are looking for a long term relationship, do it right from the start.
Best of luck.
]
More Questions: |