Ivy921's advice column

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Q: hello..i am 16, and turn 17 in february.. i was wondering peoples outlooks on me. i lost my virginity when i was 14 to the first 'highschool sweetheart'.. then i didnt have sex until this past summer. and once i did i was addicted. my sister said it probably runs through the family but im not sure. i have now 'hooked' up with 4 guys, including the highschool sweetheart. thing is, two guys were only when i was totally wasted so i dont know what to think. please tell me your outlook on my situation and why i might be 'addicted' to sex.

You probably not a sex addict. Don't worry. I do think you probably like the attention. Its exciting how much power sex can have, getting guys to be interested in you, the power a guy has over you when you are interested in him.
I don't think its slutty or wrong to like sex. I just don't. I think if you are safe and smart about it, its really fun and natural. But, as you can see by some of the responses below, a lot of people don't feel the same way.
You have to decide if people having maybe not the highest opinion of you is that big of a deal or not. Also, as for being totally wasted when having sex... try not to. It can lead you into bad situations that you don't want to be in, then sex will not be a fun thing.
Hope this helps. Good luck and keep me posted.

Q: This is going to be long... BEAR WITH ME!

I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year and a half now, and we are very much in love. Just like any other couple, we have our fights and our ups and downs.

A few weeks ago, at my homecoming dance a friend of mine was driving me and a large group of my friends back to a girls house for a sleepover. (Don't worry, there were no guys sleeping over) In the front seat there was a guy sitting there from another school. He used to go to my highschool but was transfered out, not sure why though. Anyway, we were tall talking in the car, and I said something and the kid in the front seat turned around and turned on the light and said "I want to get a good look at you". We were talking about random things for about 20 minutes then we got to the girls house I was staying over at, and I left.

A few days later, he added me as his friend on myspace, then we started talking alot online. We realized we had SO much in common. We like the same foods, have the same aspirations, he lives RIGHT next door to my aunt, alot of the same beliefs... About after a week or two of talking online he said to me "I'm so in love with you". I figured he meant the kind of I love you that you'd say to your close friends. And I was said "Yeah, I'm sure". He said "No, I really do. You're the most amazing girl I've ever met. I talk to you more than other girls. You're beautiful, sweet.. Everything I could ever hope for in a girl". He does know that I have a boyfriend and that we've been together for a while and that we love eachother. He says he doesn't want to get in the way of our relationship.. But he is.

I've found my self slowly but surely falling for this guy, and it sucks. But I've noticed a few things about him.. Everything he says doesn't seem sincere. He tells me how much he likes me yadda yadda yadda... But then he goes and says the same thing to other girls. So, at this point I'm thinking to myself that I'm just another girl to him.. Nothing special. I'm trying to not think about him because I DO love my boyfriend dearly.. But I keep thinking about this boy. And I hate it.

I need help to stop thinking about him.. I don't want to stop talking to him completely because he's really nice and a great person to talk to. I'm so confused... What do I do? I'm not about to ruine my year and a half relationship for something I don't know is going to even last... I'm tired of taking chances.

Its hard when you love someone, but are also interested/attracted to someone else at the same time. An easy answer would be not to talk/IM with the new guy anymore. But of course its easier said than done.
Focus on your boyfriend. Do something just the two of you this weekend. Have fun and talk and remember why you are with him in the first place. This other guy, while yeah, he probably does have feelings for you and in some way you do for him as well... are you willing to risk it all for someone you think is saying the same thing to other girls? Even worse, could this be some kind of game for him?
Before you do something you regret, remember what you have already.

Q: Okay, so I'm in a bit of a weird situation. I haven't been in this situation since ninth grade, and I'm in college.
So my friend likes this guy...and this guy likes me...
Where I am is, I'm TRYING actively not to like this guy because I don't want my friend to get hurt, but he's talking to me and hanging out with me more and more, and I feel like I'm losing my battle.
We started hanging out because he and I have one HECK of a lot in common - like, it's scary. We all went out once and we ordered the same thing...in unison. Lol...
Yeeeeeeah.
So, um. I guess my question is, what do I do? My friend likes him, and he likes me, and I hate to admit it, but I'm starting to kind of like him, too.
I won't tell her I like him because, for one thing, I teased her ENDLESSLY about liking him, and I'd never hear the end of it. For another thing, that would cause such awkward friendship crap...I have, however, kind of half admitted to him that I'm starting to kinda like him...
So help me out, guys!

You know.... this is a tough situation. I think you should go for him. I do know someone who dated someone whose friend was interested in the same guy: My mom; to my Dad over 30 years ago. And they are still married. I don't think the girl was too thrilled about it, but clearly the two of them were meant to be.
Whether or not you will end up with this guy forever is besides the point, but sometimes you owe it to yourself to see what the possibilities are.
I think you should be honest with your friend about your feelings. It will probably affect your friendship, but if you are sensitive enough to her feelings and do it in a way that isn't obnoxious or boastful, hopefully in time things between you two will be ok.
Good luck and keep me posted.

Q: hey ok so im 16/f and ive been talking to this guy whose about to turn 18 in like a week. and hes really hot right. so one day (before we started talking) my friend told him that i like him and stuff. so the next couple of days hes been hanging out with me and things. he gave me his number and like puts his arm around me and has asked me out on a date. but hasnt asked me to be his girlfriend yet. but then whenever were around other girls he dosent really put his arm around me and stuff and he kind of flirts with my best friend. and the thing is i dont even really like him that much, but i dont know if hes really interested in me, or if i should just kind of forget him. ya know? i dont think i make too much sense. but basically im asking does it sound like he likes me or not so i know if i should keep him around. thanks i'll rate high!

I think he probably feels the same way about you as you do him. He's interested and attracted to you but probably wants to keep his options open. If you are interested in him keep doing what you are doing and he will probably make a move soon. But just keep your eyes open. He sounds like a bit of a player, but if he's hot and you probably will have fun, go for it.
Good luck and keep me posted.

Q: Ok so I recently got prescribed the patch, and I was wondering... Is it necessary for my partner to pull out before ejaculation?

I'm not sure how/if I need to elaborate on this... I'll just add to it if the question isn't clear.

Thanks,

x

I think it should be fine within the first week you use it like the pill.

Q: sorry it's so long, and please look at this in an open-minded manner, and i'm not looking for answers that say you're waiting for marriage so i'm a slut. i'll rate high if you tried, and low if you're ignorant.

my ex-boyfriend broke up in august and aren't dating exclusively, but we still hook-up from time to time. hooking up meaning having sex. we had sex today, and then i went to the movies with one of my close guy friends. we went back to my guy friend's house and we had sex. i really want to forget it ever happened and not tell anybody, though. the guy promised he wouldn't tell, and i trust him. the thing is, if it gets out somehow, and my ex-boyfriend finds out, he'll hate me. should i tell him or just let it slide? by the way, i'm on birth control and i only have sex with a condom.

Don't sweat the two guys in one day thing. It happens. I also don't think I would tell your ex. He is your ex that you just hook up with right? So he doesn't need to know, neither does anyone else. If it gets out, and he hates you, that is just something you will have to deal with when it happens. The bottom line, your sex life is your business and you use protection, so really you have nothing to be sorry about. In a few weeks it will blow over I'm sure.

Q: ok sorry if this is long and confusing but here it is....ok well my friend lets call her amy invited me to her house and she was also having another friend over, amy didnt go to my school at the time. well to cut the story short she said that girls at her school made out with other girls at parties house ect... and its no big deal and then they pressured me into making out with them too. well now amy now goes to my school and im afraid everyday that shes going to tell and eveyone will think im like a lesbian but im not becuase i like this guy alot like alot alot. the reason i think she is going to tell is becuase she told about a girl at her old school and everyone thought she was lesbian and stuff. o by the way im 14/f and i live in ny thanks for the help who ever is brave enough to answer this ques. i will rate a 5 for everyone who gives me a good answers thanxs. o yeah and by the way dont tell me something like go talk to her and shell understand cause shes not that kind of person

This girl sounds kinda nuts and I don't think you should hang out with her. That said, she is the new girl in school and if she starts shooting her mouth off about that whole event, shrug and be like, whatever, I don't tell people who you kiss and its gross that you do. (let people ponder what that means).
Also, being 14 makes it kind of intense, but really these things happen and they aren't really reputation wreckers. Just hold your head high and don't stoop to her level. She probably won't tell anyone anyways because she has more to lose than you do.

Q: how can i tighten my... butt muscles ... but not go to a gym, just stay at home?

squats, squats and more squats. best and cheapest way to ton them.

Q: I've been with my girlfriend for a bit over 6 months. We're very romantically close, and quite physically close(we've only kissed, but we're still very physical). She has a bit of a confidence problem, but I've mostly got that controlled. I'm wondering, what can I do to make her feel more sexy? She does a lot to make me feel sexy, but I think I need to do more to let her know that I think she is too.
Thank you in advance for your help.
16/m

tell her in subtle but romantic ways... compliment on her looks, but use details. Not just like, you look good today, thats kind of generic, something more like, wow that sweater makes you look so good. i love it when you wear (this or that, be honest on how you feel). Or tell her how she makes you feel. Girls like the details and being specific on what you are attracted to about her will help boost her confidence.
Good luck. you are a really nice boyfriend.

Q: I've been with this guy for about 9 monthes now. we are not officially together because that is the way i want it. BUT we are exclusive and aren't supposed to be with other people.
I cheated on him friday night. This isn't the first time i did it, but i told him about the other times. After the last one, he told me if i cheated again then we'd be done.
Do you think i should tell him what i did? I really do like him a lot. I'm seeing him today and need advice asap.
thanks

Do you want to be with the guy you cheating on him with? Do you plan on hooking up with that guy again? Can it get back to him if you don't tell him? Do you really love and want to be with your boyfriend? If you don't plan on doing it again and really love him then don't tell him but don't cheat on him anymore. come on. don't. you know its not nice. But if you kinda feel like cooling it down with your guy and breaking it off and want to play the field which is totally ok, tell him and break up with him. you aren't being fair if you aren't.
Good luck and keep me posted.

Q: my boyfriend really wants to have sex...i think i love him and i really want to too. i am just so nervous...she i wait?or should i just go for it?protection? andy advice...?¿

Its ok if you want to and its totally normal, even a good thing that you are nervous. It means you are taking it seriously and it is a serious thing. Get protection, meaning condoms, and anything else that you think you need. Also have some really good talks with your boyfried, not just about sex, because that is just an action, but about the feelings that go along with it. How would you feel if you had sex and you broke up? How would you feel if you had sex and you got pregnant (not likely, if you use protection so don't worry). Those things are hypothetical of course, but its good to know how you feel about these things before hand. Also, don't be surprised if it isn't awesome and kinda hurts the first time. As you know, life isn't always as it seems in the movies. But take your time and enjoy it and learn what works for you and things will turn out well.
Good luck and keep me posted.

Q: hey, so i'm going to remind you of my story in case you forgot. i like this friend of mine that i have known since 6th grade and i didn't know what to do about it. you said to keep flirting and see what happens, no need to make things more weird for me. well your advice was better than i thought. yesterday, the both of us went to a friend's house and he kissed me when ever our friend left the room. so we ended up makingout twice, but he said to keep it between the two of us. well really that is not a problem with me. but what is, is that i don't know what this means and i don't know how to talk to him about it. because really like him i want to kiss him again. any ideas on what to do?

Of course I remember you. I had a feeling something like this would happen. I'm glad he kissed you. I do think that if you have a chance to talk, hopefully alone, and not on the phone or IM and discuss it. Don't say anything like so do you like me or what because I like you... That could freak him out. Say something like, so that was fun the other day. My guess is he'll try and kiss you again. Go for it, but ask what his feelings are before he does. Dont pressure him because as you mentioned you two are friends so that is nervous territory. take it slow and maybe enjoy the secret hook ups for a while. see what happens. It could be really great, but i'm sure its kind of scary for both of you as friends. I think its going to be good.
Definitely keep me posted.

Q: it's because im courting a girl right now... things are actually going the way i planned it but sometimes i just can't help being afraid.. i know she likes me but being liked by somebody is different from being loved by somebody...thats why everytime i see her cellphone filled with messages from his x boyfriend, i feel afraid, afraid that she might just leave me and go back to that ex-boyfriend of her....what am i going to do

Well, being afraid and jealous and insecure isn't a good way to stay in a relationship and have someone fall in love with you. The thing is, she is with you and likes you. Be happy about that and build on that happiness.
As for the ex-boyfriend calling her, well, there isn't a lot you can do about it and confronting her about it shows that you went through her stuff and no girl, or guy for that matter likes that, so I would advise not to mention it to her...
But bottom line, she isn't with him, she is with you, and do things that will make her want to be with you, talk to her, be in a good mood, have fun when you go out. Of course everyone is nervous when they like someone, its natural, but the more you focus on your relationship, the more you will get to know each other and the less scared you will be.
Good Luck and keep me posted.

Q: if a man you lived with and had a relationship with moved out while u were in the hospital for 3 days and told you you needed to loose weight cause you are too fat should you take him back if he apologies?

What did he apologize for? Hurting your feelings? Moving out when you needed him most? Being inconsiderate and hurtful to you? Really, it seems like there is just so much he has to be sorry for and it doesn't sound like there could be a lot he could do that would make up for doing these things to you. I say no. Don't take him back. By doing that you send a message to him that its ok to do these things to you and just by saying sorry its alright. If he really loves you, he will work on fixing his attitude and his treatment of you and only then would I even consider taking him back if I were you.
I know its very hard to do, but in the long run I think you will be better off.
Good luck and keep me posted.

Q: Okay, my friend from another town has a guy friend. And she showed him my picture before and he thinks im hot and wants me to hook up with him. Id make out with someone because Im not prude. But he wants me to give him a blowjob - In the movie theatre! And my friend doesnt think its a big deal. What should I do? Would it be wrong to just make out with him or is that bad? Hes really cute from his pic...My freiend has given him a bj once but ive never done it. 14/f

Meet him. talk to him. get to know him. THEN decide if you want to make out with him. Its not about being a prude or not, its about making someone earn your affection and having respect for yourself to know that you don't have to just give of yourself, sexually or emotionally unless someone gives back.
Hook up if you feel like once you get to know him. As for giving a bj in a movie theater, or anywhere else in public for that matter... just a word of advice: Don't. Its cheap and you could get caught and would be humiliating. If you don't have a place to go where you have privacy, then just wait.. and really just wait until you get to know him. I know some people think that kind of stuff is nothing, and at a certain point, maybe thats true, but do you really feel that way?

Q: i'm 15 and i've only really had serious relationship, but i have this best guy friend of mine. i love being around him and he is so easy to talk to. i've known since 6th grade so he knows that he can joke with me and i know that i can joke with him. but lately i've begun to have feelings for him. i flirt with him, but i'm a BIG flirt so he doesn't think it means anything. and lately he has been joking about certian things that are like kinda teasing since i like him. and he'll tickle me or hug me and i don't want him to let go.

my problem is that i don't want things to change between us, but i want to go out with him, and i don't know how to let him know without making things werid between us. help?!

Well, things have already kinda changed between you two at least in your mind since you like him, right? So hoping things won't change is pretty impossible, but don't worry, that isn't bad news.
I think he may like you back too. I'm sure he's feeling similar to you and also scared to admit it to you as well.
I would say keep doing what you are doing. No need to have a big conversation, that would make it weird. I would say keep flirting, he'll keep flirting back and pretty soon i bet things with happen.
Good luck and keep me posted!

Q: How can i lose weight?!i am 13 female and i weight around 154 pounds!! thats about 50 pounds more than what i want to weigh. any suggestions about how i can diet and exercise to lose like stomach fat or leg fat. how can i eat a better diet? i need to lose weight because i get picked on at school a lot and i dont want that to happen anymore. Please help me out!!!

The other two are right no junk food- because it is just that, junk. Why put bad things in your body that are filled with carbs and sodium that will only want to make you eat more later. Portion size and diet is very important as is writing it down.
In the morning have something like eggs or real oatmeal. No sugary cereals or pop tarts or anything like that. Its fattening and will make you hungry before 10am.
Snack have an apple or another piece of fruit. Lunch have something normal like a sandwich on whole grain bread or a salad, with a side of veggies or fruit or nuts.
Snack nuts, fruit or veggies.
A normal dinner, but don't overdo it on pasta or potatoes or cheese but you can have some of that.
Also drink a ton of water.
Then write everything down. You will have a better account of what you eat and will be more mindful if you slip up and remind you of the diet.
As for working out, play outside, do sports, anything cardio or anything that has to do with weights are great for you.. as is pilates or yoga.
Good luck and keep me posted.

Q: I love my boyfriend, we never fight and if we do, its for probably 3 and a half minutes. We are BEST FRIENDS. tell each other everything and anything and are completely ourselves around each other right down to farting. our relationship is amazing...

so why do i cry when he isnt around? he goes to college 2 and a half hours away which isnt bad, i see him on average every other week. iv noticed that when he's gone. i'll reminisce on the amazing fun and goofy times we had with each other and just cry and smile and..cry. i dont know why. i would give my life to spend every waking second of the rest of my life with this guy. i don't want to cry anymore. i think i just miss him being around me and supporting me and picking me up when i fall (metaphor)

help.. =/

That's not bad, its sweet and I think you are probably a sensitive person who is really in love with your boyfriend.
My guess is that you are probably more than a little overwhelmed by your feelings for him and its scary to feel this way about someone. Its normal to want to spend so much time with someone, but realistically you'd get on each others nerves if you spent that much time together. ( I bet you don't believe me, but trust me). The best part of a healthy and happy and long term relationship is to be a happy person with a lot of interests. Throw yourself into school, work, friends, interests when he isn't around. Enjoy your life and look forward to seeing him but also try to appreciate everything you have outside of him. You can do both.
Look, I love my guy more than anything on the planet and we have so much fun and are best friends and have been together 6 years and lived together for the past 4. Sometimes when we are apart, like if he has to travel for business i get really emotional too.. but I have fun with my friends and family and work and go to the gym and all thos things. It makes the time go faster and you have more to talk about when you see each other.
Good luck and keep me posted.

Q: what are some ways to flatten you stomach that actually work? i don't want a 6 pack, just toned i guess. thanks, i rate.

Pilates is the best for abs.

Q: Ok soo I dont know where else to really turn now. My boyfriend moved back to his home state, which is 3 1/2 hours from where I live, and we broke up 3 days before he did to "make things easier" or so he says. He didnt want to try a long distance relationship b/c he thought it would be too hard. Well, he is/was the love of my life... I spent the whole summer with him. He was everything to me and he didnt even say good bye when he left which crushed me. Well my life has been going down hill since. I use to be an "a" student, but now my grades are consisting of "c" and "d"... I'm missing school beyond no measure, I've gotten kicked outta my house, I've made my mother cry several times (which is bad b/c my mother is hard to upset that bad), I even had to buy my first pregnancy test (was negative...), I've started to become everything I never wanted to be. I dont know what is up with me, I hate him so much yet my heart is screaming for him... I dont want to give up b/c I love him so much, but its one sided and somethign else kinda love... Any suggestions to how to deal with these feelings would be GREATLY appreicated.. I rate high!

I really feel for you as I went through almost the exact same thing a few years ago. My boyfriend moved away and broke up suddenly and I really was a mess and started acting all crazy. Its really the worse. Here's what I did that got me through....
Just stop for a second and take a deep breath and consider this:
1. Who are you really hurting? Yourself, your family, people you love.
2. Is any of this behavior in any way helping you get over your boyfriend or get him back? No. didn't think so.
3. Long term, if you don't have him, what do you have? A lot. More than you know. You have an incredible future ahead of you if you get back on track. Clearly you are smart, with the grades you get in school. You are a caring person with the capacity to love and to be loved. Those things, brains and heart will be the things that will get you through the tough stuff and will bring you great things.
Look, he's either going to realize his loss and call you or he won't. There is no way to control other people, but you can control yourself...Allow yourself to have a good life and to try and be happy. Its hard, but know deep in your heart that you are going to be ok whatever happens with him.
Tell your mom what's going on and why you are feeling the way you are feeling. My mom was awesome during my bad break up once she knew what was going on.
Best of luck. Keep me posted. Trust me, after this guy I never dated a guy who broke my heart again and found and married the coolest nicest guy ever. And that guy is still alone.