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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
F/15
my labia is irregularly large... akward... soo i wanna get the plastic surgery to shorten them, so my question is would the HIPPA Law apply to this? if not how do i confront my mother about this? we are very open about relationships, sex and just everything in general,btw.
below i have a little more detail on the HIPPA Law:
By a Federal Law known as HIPPA anyone over the age of 14 may seek medical treatment without parental consent or knowledge for any problem related to their reproductive system.
The Answer
HIPAA protects a patients privacy (even if they are a minor). It's there is allow young people to get information from their doctors without their parents interference, and to make their own choices based on doctors recommendations, and to protect them if they disagree with their parents over the best course of treatment.
It is not interpreted, by surgeons or by the courts, as applying to purely cosmetic procedures. Its not there so patients can demand whatever kind of medical treatment they want whenever they want, and its not there so 14 year olds can get boobs jobs.
Many surgeons simply won't perform most cosmetic surgeries on minors at all, and only a minority will do so with the parents permission.
It opens them up to too much liability, not to mention, as Ninja said, all surgery comes with risks and complications, and those complication can be worse if you are younger and not physically mature.
Even if HIPAA did mean you could keep this sort of surgery secret from your parents (and it doesn't), very, very few doctors would take the risk of going against your parents wishes, and drawing the negative attention of their professional regulators, by performing this sort of surgery on you.
You'll need your mothers approval if you wish to do this as a minor, and you'll need a doctor who will agree to do it.
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The Question
so i have been suffering with depression for a while now, and last semester (i'm in college) i had a complete breakdown. i started missing classes and avoided all my friends. avoiding them, mostly because i didnt wanna be the sad mopey one who eventually everyone wont wanna hang out with. also i just didnt want to burden them with my sadness. i've been struggling with the same issue for so long that i felt my friends got disillusioned by it. people texted or called me and i'd ignore or avoid them. i was completely isolated from everyone else.
but after a while, i felt better and talked to my friend about it. instead of being comforted, she yelled at me for being selfish and not thinking about her. and tells me that im not being considerate of other people's feelings while i was preoccupied with my own sadness.
should i feel offended? i know that being depressed makes you more pessimistic, but i just didn't think it was other people's problems. is it okay to think that my friend is making the main issue into her problem instead of mine, without considering my feelings instead?
The Answer
Whether or not you meant to hurt your friend, you did.
Whether or not you could control yourself, she was hurt by your behaviour, disappointed and maybe even frightened.
You might be fairly offended. Your friend may have been rude or unkind - but she wasn't being dishonest.
Part of getting better includes apologizing for, and explaining, why you were behaving badly before. People can't see what's in your mind or heart, they can't know that really wanted to be a good friend but genuinely couldn't. They can only see your behaviour.
You weren't considerate. You were preoccupied with your own sadness! That is part if what happened. That is part of what you were struggling with.
That doesn't make you a horrible person, but you do need to accept that others might feel some anger, and that doesn't make them horrible people either. Both of you have real issues here, it's not about whose us bigger or more important. It's about how you can understand each other and move on together. That means you appreciating her experience, as well as her understanding yours.
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The Question
Fruit makes me feel really sick for some reason. Maybe its the chemicals they use or something. In any case I would like to switch to eating more organic lentils, and vegetables. I dont seem to be having any trouble consuming animal products so ill stick with them for now.
The Answer
You'd probably best best to go to a doctor for a check up, and perhaps an allergy test, before you start arbitrarily limiting your diet.
You might be low on iron or fiber, or have a moderate food intolerance. Wouldn't it be better to know why your body is struggling than to just avoid an entire food group?
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The Question
i am 10 and have started masturbating does that mean i will start my period soon
The Answer
No.
Some toddlers masturbate. Masturbation is a a normal, human act, that is not directly linked to sexual maturity.
Your period will come when it comes. Your interest in mastication doesn't necessarily mean its coming soon.
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The Question
26 y/o female.
In the fall, I went in for a job interview at a local store. I instantly felt attracted to the guy giving me the interview. I passed it, but had to turn the job down for reasons not worth mentioning.
A week later, he "followed" me on Facebook. I wasn't sure what his reasoning behind it was, but I decided to add him as a friend. We didn't speak to each other whatsoever, but I always hoped that somehow he'd get a hold of me first.
It never happened, and in the spring, I saw that he took me off his friend's list. Was I annoying? Did he delete me so only his close friends were on his list? It's killing me. I wish I had closure, but I find the idea of outright asking him to be hard. It's been almost two months since he's taken me off, and I can't stop thinking about it. I've even had dreams with him in it. I'm also rarely rejected by guys so I'm not sure if my ego is bruised or I really do just have a major crush on this guy. Either way, I'm tired of thinking about it!
The Answer
You weren't rejected. You never spoke to one another.
You don't need closure. Nothing was every opened to begin with.
What you need to do is realize that 99% of this experience happened entirely in your own head. If you wanted to take it out of your own head and into the real world, you had to actually SPEAK to him in some way.
After months of not speaking, he removed you. Honestly, it's probably because he found someone and decided there was no reason to have a random girl he was attracted to once, months ago, but never spoken to since, on his friends list.
Your are right: Your ego is bruised. You thought you were just so awesome that of course he'd make the first move, eventually, and he didn't. You can't know why he didn't, but he didn't.
Next time you think someone is awesome, speak to them. Take control of your own fate. Don't count on your good looks to get you what you want without you having to do anything. Getting something you want is worth taking the tiny risk of saying 'Hi' first. Most people take that risk all the time, at 26 is high time you learned how to do it.
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The Question
My social work professor opened up to us the other day when she told that when she was eight years old, she had almost gotten kidnapped. If it wasn't for her sister being there and putting up a fight, they would have gotten kidnapped because there was a car that heard her screams and came to their rescue. After she told us her story she took us to the missing and exploited children website and said that we can sign up to help the cause. So, far, all I have seen is where to donate money. I want to volunteer to help out. Is there a place that I can do such thing and if not, do you guys know of anywhere that is similar to that so I can help out there? I really want to give my free time to something very special and prove to me that social work is the right minor for me. So, if you guys have any suggestions as to anything that I could do, I would really appreciate it!
The Answer
Dragonfly seems to have missed the part where this was your professor, not someone who had a client relationship with you.
I do still agree that this was a slightly awkward, and possibly unprofessional thing for a teacher to do. Discussing something in an academic setting shouldn't lead to soliciting donations. That's just not appropriate, no matter how important the cause truly is.
My best advice to you is to go to the trusty google machine for local or state organizations AND be willing to do trivial work to help. Children who have been kidnapped, or are missing, really need professional help. As a social worker, you might someday be that professional, but right now the best thing you can do is probably help to raise money to pay the professionals they need.
Right now, with the skills you currently have, the best you can do might be volunteer to help with office work, or raising money through simple things like raffles. Don't be discouraged by that. Be willing to use what you've got today to help. We don't all have the skills to be on the front lines with the police, therapists, investigators and social workers these kids need most. While you are gaining those skills, do what you can, and be proud of the small contributions you can make.
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The Question
I tested hiv negative on march 20th 2013, after exposing myself to hiv last april 27th 2012, i have was being sick, vomiting mucus and having aches pains, high temp for about 1 week if i remembet correctly last late april beginning of may, this was at home, did not go to hospital, sludgy diahorrea and a lot of trapped wind. Since then i have had hiv test in may 2012 , june 2012, august 2012, october 2012, november 2012, jan 2013, and my last one 25th march 2013 athis was using blood from my arm, what tests are the ones ive had and when they were negative, showing no hiv antibodies, are they accurate and am i definately hiv/aids negative? i still have a neck rash little clear bumps and reddy marks. My tongue still has 4 ulcers in the centre at back of.tongue, my dry cough and dry eyes are still with me, the clinic said to me that i should have been assurrd afyer 3 months window, but as you can see ive had 6 tests over 10 month now its coming close to a year, am i hiv negative or should i be worried still because of some symptoms. I had anal and oral sex last year
The Answer
It's almost impossible that you have HIV.
Obviously, something is wrong, and you should see a doctor about your ongoing symptoms, but you need to stop focusing on HIV as the culprit at this point. That just isn't at all likely to be the case.
After a year and six tests - all coming back negative - you need to accept that as conclusive proof that you are HIV negative. False negatives on modern HIV tests are extremely rare. (In 2005 the CDC put the number of false-negative results at 0.03%). Math is not really my strong suit, but that means that after six negative tests the likelihood that ALL of them were false-negatives is something like 0.0000000243%.
So really, you need to see a doctor about your symptoms. Clearly you are experiencing something - it's just probably not HIV.
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The Question
Don't get me wrong, I don't care. Sex is sex, I like it, I like being with multiple guys, and if you don't include my gangbang fantasies, I'm really not that much of a slut, ya know? I've always been really sexual though, I watch porn when I'm bored, and whatnot. I lost my virginity at a whopping 14(with a couple), and have slept with 13 people since then. I've always been known to make really fucking bad decisions, hence why I got raped. It wouldn't bother me that much, if it weren't for the fact I'm like 2 people. My main brain being like, normal, and my pussys brain being like... stupid. I have a boyfriend I love very much, but the urges to watch porn(and 80% of his friends wanting to bang me) makes it hard. I cheated on my last bf and I hated myself for it. I'm 17, I love my boyfriend, and unless I'm single, I want this to stop. I just want to shut my pussy off. I don't mind being like that if I don't have a bf, but otherwise, its bothersome. If he had sex with me more, maybe it would be different... but he doesn't, Heh. My brain wants a relationship, but everything else want sex. I... honestly don't know what to do, Heh.
The Answer
Honestly, you should see a therapist.
Not because there is anything wrong with wanting sex, or enjoying fantasies and sex acts.
You should see a therapist because you have urges you can't control and because you aren't sure what you want from life.
Not being able to control sexual urges, to the point that you betray a partner or put yourself in danger, is a big problem. Having urges is fine. Having urges that rule your life and define your behavoir is not.
You are only 17. It's okay to not really know what you want in life, but you don't have to have some idea why you want a relationship so badly, even when it seems to be at odds with other things you desire.
So seriously. You need to do some soul searching and you'd be best to do it with some professional guidance.
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The Question
Well ever since my best friend asked me out and I shot him down things have been extremely awkward between us.And he took another girl to prom and things were even more awkward. Tonight we webcammed for maybe 5 minutes. We went from sending each other over 400 messages a day to maybe 20-50. I don't know what to do! Please help!
The Answer
Look, he didn't just want to be your friend.
He wanted more. You didn't.
That's okay, but once that was out in the open, once you both acknowledge that you DIDN'T want the same thing from your friendship, your friendship HAD to change.
The friendship you had wasn't working for him.
Even if you thought everything was fine - it wasn't. He had a goal. He wanted to go out with you. When you said no, you and he had to start to build a new friendship together. One where going out was off the table.
Cut him some slack. It IS awkward. It had to be awkward. You both are figuring out what this new friendship looks like. It probably wont be as intense as it was before - and that's a good thing. You are working on having a real friendship now, not just one where he's trying to court you.
If he is still contacting you frequently, talking to you and being friendly, than that's great. Be his friend right back. There isn't a problem here. Things are just changing and changing can be tough. But things have to change now or you'll never really become friends.
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The Question
I'm not a parrot and hate repeating myself despite asking a similar question on this before about You Tube and MP#. Last time I asked about programs to convert You Tube into MP3 audio.
I'm not sure if it's the same process and programs as the You Tube question or not. However, I need to know how does one take their entire ITUNES library (which is not many songs) and convert these from MP4's into MP3s? I'm putting them on a Flash Drive so they can be easily played in the car, share with friends, etc. etc. Any guidance is helpful.
Please note that I'm NOT technically minded or technology savvy in the slightest. I can turn it on and off but that's it. I will be happy for any advice but please keep it in layman's terms so it's not inadvertently up and over my head. Thank You kindly!
The Answer
Edit in response to feedback:
My point was that I could not see your column, and could not know that you weren't that kind of person. The only evidence I had was the way you wrote this question. As clear as your explanation might be for why you presented it the way you did, I also didn't have that explanation to work from.
People can only form an impression based on what you wrote in a single question. That's all anyone has. That's the information we get.
My impression, based on only that, was that I was probably going to get a negative response, no matter what I wrote.
I doubt I was alone in reading your question and forming that impression. You don't have to agree with me, but you should consider my comment, especially in light of the fact I was the only response you received.
I'm glad you figured it out tho. Always better to acquire technical skills that way I think.
I'm not a slave and I hate giving advice to questions that are so prescriptive and heavily qualified that it seems impossible that anything I will say will be met with anything but disdain and criticism.
But you seem to be reasonably smart, so I'm going to give you two pieces of advice. The first isn't what you asked for, and the second is:
First off: You should consider how you come across in your questions. You wont just scare off the bad advisers, you'll make the good ones feel that you aren't worth the effort. Saying thank you at the end doesn't change the over all impression your question gives off - Your opening line makes a very, very clear impression that no matter what is said too you, no matter how thorough or clearly described, you are going to shit on everyone who answers.
We can't know that if you are basically a good person who will be respectful and appreciative and that you just a have that sort of sense of humour. We can only read what you wrote down, and the way you began this is seriously off-putting.
People who give advice here get shit on enough without ever seeing it coming. It's a hazard of giving advice, but it also means they aren't going to jump in line to give detailed technical advice when they feel they are going to be rated down or insulted for it being over your head, or making you repeat yourself, or you just not being able to make their instructions work.
Now, to change your music library to MP3s in iTunes.
I'm using a mac with the most recent OS and an updated version of iTunes. I have no idea what you are using, or if things are different on different versions, but this worked for me right now, so I'll write down what it is I did.
On the Mac, open iTunes, and from the top left corner, right beside the little Apple,
Select the 'iTunes' drop down menu, and then select 'Preferences'.
(If you are on a PC, you should have a Preferences option as well, probably under the 'Edit' menu I'd guess).
On the General Preferences screen (which should be the screen you immediately find yourself on after clicking 'Preferences') click the button 'Import Settings'.
Change the 'Import Using' drop down menu to 'MP3 Encoder'.
Now go back to your music, select all the tracks you want to convert to MP3 and left click.
Select "Create MP3 Version".
That will give you an MP3 file for all the selected tracks. Then you'll just need to move the MP3 files over the flash drive and leave the original MP4s where they are.
Good luck.
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The Question
I'm not sure if I can fully express how much I want to hide under a rock and never come out. I attend college & have 2 classes together with a guy I might be interested in (first & last classes). I can see it in his eyes and actions that he is interested in me, I always catch him looking & he tries to initiate conversations, sadly I am not a very good conversationalist and don't give more than a couple of short word answers(however I can write a whole story online easily, so sorry this may be long). We don't talk that much with each other because of this, just occasional casual talk, being schoolwork or how we're doing.
Today we had a sub, we could leave whenever we were finished writing our essay. So I finished up early but for some reason thought I would wait for him to finish as well to leave, we both usually finish our work early. So I pretended I was still writing. Shortly after he finished up handed it in I gave mine in and we both packed up and left. I think he knew that I did that on purpose. We started walking together and had small talk (I think I stuttered!) and as we left the building I pushed the door open on a woman on the other side of it, appologized sheepishly. Out of nowhere I felt to just offer him a ride but was nervous, he said I have my car but its parked a little far away you can drop me off, and I said something stupid like yeah if you dont mind! He playishly asked how is your driving should I go and smiled. I chucked and said no its good you can trust me with it its alright. I look nothing like a so called "nerd" but guess I act like one. Well we got in and he remarked wow how do drive such big cars and I just cheesily said I like them better its easier(no its not everyone knows that its not) and he said lets see how you drive and I started going. He said my car is that way pointing beyond the barriers saying I guess you cant go that way. I told him I actually jump the curb if theres no campus security around when I'm late and could do it again now. He said no way how? So I did and he was amused thinking I was being sly but out of nowhere the security saw and pulled me over. He said uh-oh this is not going to be good. I told the security that I was in a rush appologizing and wouldnt do it again, and I stuttered! They said they would confiscate my tag if I did. Embarrassment! He said oh now theyre following you out. I said its ok I dont care. He said I hate these security, if it was me they wouldnt let me go. Then asked how do you get to park in here and I instead of playfully saying I have my ways I just bluntly told him how I got a note from the doctor saying "I have asthma" and to use something they can't prove.. (even though I do). He said oh interesting. Well meanwhile I passed the parking lot outside and asked him where is the enterance, he said we passed it. I said "oh you didn't tell me, I never entered it before so I dont know", he said "sorry about that I should have told you, I was just umm admiring your driving", but I was driving shabbily because I was nervous, and I smiled and said oh thanks its ok and made a sloppy U-turn, he said you can just drop me off here and I did, I was already so shocked at what had happened and my brain shut down, I wanted to tell him to have a nice weekend but was thinking of what other things to say and ended up saying have a nice time! And then tried cleaning it up with "and weekend" and stuttered again!He laughed and said you too thanks for the ride. I said no problem and then a take care as he was closing the door but he walked away and so I drove away :( I would never go back if I wasn't obligated to.. What should do/say, if anything? Anything to help me feel less horrible? Thanks in advance :(
The Answer
Yeah. I know this FEELs like the end of the world, but it's really not. If he liked you, he probably still does.
Really. Relax. You acted like a goof 'cause you liked him. It sounds like he acted like a goof too (which might mean he likes you.)
Laugh it off. Admit it was dumb. Try to calm down. You are your own worst enemy right now.
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The Question
If you tricked the cops into thinking that there was a murder or something like that by using ketchup as blood, or something like that, I don't know, and you time the cops on how long it takes them to get there, and somehow get the news reporters on your side, to teach the cops to do their job correctly, could they arrest you? Would they stick you in jail for a few years? How would they react to that? Has anyone ever done something like that?
I am sick and tired of hearing stories of people like the three women found this week, and Jaycee Lee Dugard. It makes me so angry. I want to see the cops embarrassed into doing a PERFECT job, or getting fired. Their job is too fucking important for them to be lazy. Way too fucking important...
The Answer
Thier job is also to fucking important for them to let random teenagers test them with false reports that waste money, time and resources.
Yes. You could most certainly be arrested, fined, and even do some time, depending on the severity of what you do.
Look, no one does a perfect job. Not police, not engineers, not teachers, not doctors, no one. There are lots of systems, rules and regulations in place to minimize human error in these very important jobs, but nothing will defend 100% against humans being flawed. Human beings will always be flawed.
Perhaps more importantly, evil, insane people will do evil insane things, and some of them will get away with it some of the time. We don't live in a just world. It is not a fair place. Bad things happen to good people. The police may have done something wrong in these cases, and the rules and oversight will change to try and defend against those mistakes, but taking it out on all police officers would not just be illegal, it would be egotistical, counterproductive, immoral and irrational, like keying the cars of every dentist because one of them made someone else's gums sore.
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The Question
I don't know how to fix my family. We have a 23 yr old son who has aspergers and my husband refuses to understand anything about him. We were joking around the other day and then we were going to go on a walk when my son sat down to put his shoes on the dog jumped in his lap. My husband went over and took the dog by the scruff and the dog yelped so when he tried to move the dog again my son put his arm up and was going to put the dog down himself but my husband wouldn't let him and kept swatting his arm down. My husband then shoved my son and he hit his head into the wall. My son left the house for the night and I said my husband needed to apologize but he says its my house I can do what I want and he isn't going to stop me. I see it as my son was sticking up for the dog and he says it was disrespect. My husband has hurt the dog in the past so we are always wondering if that is what is happening when we hear the dog cry. How do I get him to apologize to his son?
The Answer
You don't.
You protect your son, and the dog, and tell your husband that even if he FELT disrespected, reacting violently towards his adult son and a pet was not okay. Period. Ever.
Your husband can't do what he wants, if what he wants is to hit people and animals.
No one gives a shit about your husbands precious little feelings about being disrespected. Hitting his son is wrong. Hitting the dog is wrong. If your son didn't want the dog on his lap, let him correct the dog. There was no reason for your husband to get involved. There is never a reason for your husband to get involved violently.
Frankly, if your husband is abusive towards the dog (and if he is hurting it while trying to correct it, then yes, he's abusive) then the dog should be re-homed. It might be time to draw a line in the sand and look for a loving, nonabusive family for the dog. As hard as it is to give up a pet, that pet is entirely dependant on you and you have a responsibility to keep it safe - even if that means the dog is safer someplace else.
As for your son, at 23 he should at least be planning and working towards a more independent life. He needs those skills, and he also needs a safe home environment.
Perhaps you should be considering a more independent life as well. You deserve a loving, nonabusive home, just like your dog and your son. If your husband doesn't want to help you create that kind of home, then nothing you can do can fix that with him. You'll have to fix it without him.
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The Question
In a love triangle, the other woman told me that the man told her I am good but she is better. I ask the man about it, he replied she is lying. Up to now he stated he is lying and left her.
Who is telling the truth?
The Answer
Both? Realistically, neither of these people have a vested interest in telling you the truth. She wants you pissed off an alienated from him. He wants you to trust him and ignore the fact he is (or was) with another woman.
They both have reasons to lie. There is no way for us to know who is telling the truth. There is probably no way for you to tell either. If you want to be with him, you'll have to trust him. If you can't trust him, you probably shouldn't be with him.
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The Question
I wanna go down to the beach and scrape some shellfish off the rocks; cook them and eat them. Are any of the poisonous?
The Answer
You'll need to get more information about the area where you'd like to go clamming. Perhaps you find a tour guide or professional who can give you the best advice!
I don't believe many shellfish are inherently poisonous to people, but I'm sure some are. More importantly they can certainly be harmful even if they aren't poisonous and some areas can be closed for clamming due to poor water quality, pollution, or to help maintain the shellfish populations. Some areas might have a restrictions on the amount of certain breeds of shellfish you are allowed to harvest. In some areas you even need a license to harvest shellfish, just like you'd need one to hunt or fish.
For your own safety, and to help preserve the habitats of these creatures, you need to do a great deal more research on the specific beach and local laws governing harvesting shellfish.
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The Question
Here you have all these clowns trying to save you from death but at the same time, how many of you agree with abortion? The child doesn't want to die but you kill the child anyway. The adult or child that is alive and aware want's to die and you try to stop them. What a bunch of hypocrites.
The Answer
I am pro-choice. I would like to see late term abortions restricted to only those very few cases where a mothers life is in danger, but prior to that I believe in accessible, on demand abortion. I don't believe there are reasonable arguments that a fetus prior to 18-22 weeks contains anything like the awareness that is deserving of any legal protection.
I also don't tell people on advicenators to commit sucide. I'm not actually opposed to sucide in all cases, but I don't feel that it would be responsible or reasonable to give pro-sucide advice to the clearly mentally ill individuals who come and ask about it on this annoymous website.
There is no hypocrisy in recongzing the huge difference between a perfectly sane women who does not wish to give birth, and a person so mentally disturbed and desperate they think offing themselves is a good idea. One of those choices is about making a reasonable, informed choice to protect the best possible life for the living, and one of them is about killing someone while in a deeply mentally disturbed state of mind.
But even if there wasn't such an obvious, glaring difference between these two situations, and even if you don't see the obvious glaring differences between the two, people would still be free to follow thier concience and NOT advise someone to kill themselves.
Bitch and moan all you like. No one is obligated to help you kill yourself. No one owes you that. People are free to behave in accordance with thier own conscience. All you'll ever get here is the best advice each person can offer you in the context of an annoymous online forum, and that is exactly what you are getting when people say don't kill yourself.
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The Question
Okay, I'm 17 & the guy I've been seeing for almost 2 months is 18. We hang out for a little over the school week & then usually all day & night Friday and Saturday nights. Yesterday we hung out all day & then we went back to my house and we were laying in my bed & cuddling. We were spooning and I could tell he was already hard from that & we had talked about hooking up a few days before. We've obviously made out before but i haven't had the chance to really do anything to him because we're never in the right place for it. I decided to give him a blow job because I have my period and it's too early for sex.
He started kissing me and we were making out & it was getting pretty heated. He was really hard and at one point he was like ontop of me and humping me so I decided it was time to blow him.
Of course I've given head before, but I've never given him head and I was really nervous. My mom was downstairs and I was paranoid so I just went under the covers and blew him down there. It was really hot under there and it was hard to do a good job. I couldn't look up at him or see how he was reacting. He was breathing pretty heavily, but about halfway through started moving his hips around. Is that good or bad? I was feeling like I wasn't doing a good job after that. I had almost his whole penis in my mouth and I was also using my hand at the bottom and had pretty good rythm. He came and i swallowed all of it and when I came up, he was smiling and I was like sorry that sucked and he was like "no it was amazing" but didnt really convince me.
He kept smiling after and I was like why do you keep smiling and he said "nothing yu just make me so happy"
After that I was pretty confident that he liked it. He was snuggling me and tickling me. I jokingly asked him what his favorite part of the njght was. He said "to see your gorgeous smile" and then he was like "but you want me to say your blow job" and then said "it was good but you can do better" I was kind of offended. Was it good or not? Should I be embarassed if it sucked?
The Answer
For crying out loud, stop over thinking this.
You give him a blow job, he orgasms and the first thing you say is "Sorry."
Even if he thought it was AWESOME he might have just said "You can do better." in order to agree with you, and not question your judgement about how it was. Neither of you have a wealth of experience to draw from - both of you will be feeling pressure to do and say the 'right' things.
You know you were in a tough position and weren't able to do it exactly the way you'd like too. That's fine. Nothing to be embarrassed about.
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The Question
My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years and have a great relationship, however our sex life is lacking. We have been in a dry spell for a very long time and I think we both need to make more of an effort but it is difficult as we both still live with our mothers. Yesterday he gave me an ultimatum that he needs someone in his life that can perform oral sex or he wouldn't have a problem breaking up an 8 yr or 20 yr relationship. This hurt really had I would never imagine him saying this. I questioned his sincerity with our relationship and he said this is something he just can't live without. I think he feels if I gave him more oral that his sex drive would go up. My issue is that I feel objectified with his remark and I told him that! I feel like I almost have to counter with an ultimatum to show him how it feels. It's not the oral sex that bothers me it's performing the oral sex because of an ultimatum that bothers me. I don't want to leave him but I need to know that our relationship means something to him and that he isn't going to just walk out one day.
The Answer
I'm going to disagree with adviceman49.
NOT because what your boyfriend has said is okay.
Giving an ultimatum was foolish, disrespectful and shortsighted.
Your boyfriend made a mistake, but not the kind of mistake that automatically makes him a horrible human being. He made the kind of mistake someone makes when they are really unhappy, and getting desperate.
So, I'm going to disagree, because if you don't take a deep breath and see the forest for the big honking ultimatum tree here, YOU will be giving up on your relationship.
It wont just be him - it'll be you as well – deciding that eight years is not worth fighting for, and that it’s over.
Your boyfriend might have done this very, very badly, but he's also told you something very important about who he is, and what he wants in life:
He's told you that your relationship is not fitting in with the vision he has for himself and his happiness in the long term.
He's told you he CANNOT go on with this relationship if this degree of unhappiness continues.
That IS selfish, but it's the good kind of selfish. It's the honest selfish that tells your partner "Look, if this doesn't change, our relationship won’t survive."
It is not objectification, and it's necessarily just looking for sexual release either. He's looking for sex and intimacy WITH YOU. That is a twisted kind of caring about you and the relationship. Being that brutally honest is the last move of someone who is desperate to keep their relationship going - If he didn’t value you, he just would have walked away already.
He is THAT unhappy. You have to acknowledge that if you have any hope of the relationship continuing. His feelings and desires do deserve respect - even if he was totally disrespectful in the way he choose to express them.
When your partner tells you that they are NOT OKAY with what is going on, you have two choices. You can say "Okay. Let's talk about this and figure out a way we can both be okay." or you can say "Nope. I don't want to work on this. It's over. Let's break up."
If you are ready to say "Let's break up." That's fair. Go say that. It's okay to decide that this is not the partner for you and that you are ready to walk away from this.
If you aren't, instead of attacking your boyfriend for how totally backasswards wrong he went about this (and he was wrong to issue an ultimatum over sex acts - that wasn't a good way to address the issue) tell him "Okay. You are clearly really, really unhappy. I get that. Let's talk about that unhappiness and all the things that are contributing to it - Cause just 'demanding' oral sex isn't going to solve anything or make things better. It's just going to hurt us both more. So let’s start at the beginning and talk about all the issues here and see if we can’t come up with some solutions, together.”
Yes – You are basically asking to have a fight, but it’s at least it’s the right fight to have. It’s a fight over the things that actually aren’t working in your relationship for both of you (including sex and intimacy) rather than a fight over one very stupid thing he said about blowjobs.
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The Question
Can a person having hepatitis b take both allopathy and siddha medicines?
The Answer
You should always talk to your doctor about any alternative or traditional medications you are taking in addition to your pharmaceuticals. Many doctors will aware of the possible interactions and risks, and can advise you best.
Alternative medications, like siddha, have not been proven to work (or, in many cases, have been proven not to work). Once a traditional medicine has been proven to work, it becomes simple medicine, and is part of 'allopathic' science-based medicine system.
Just like pharmaceuticals - siddha medicines can have drug interactions and side effects. You want to speak to your physician about what those interaction might be to make sure you are safe.
You should also talk to your doctor if you have Hep B. Hep B isn't normally very dangerous. Most people will simply get over it in a matter of weeks or months. For the small percentage of people who do not, antiviral medicines are usually very effective.
If someone has Hep B because their immune system is compromised, then I would say no, that person would not be wise to use any natural remedies that are not 100% okay-ed by their primary physician.
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The Question
I am a female, 21 years old, and up until about a month ago I have never really viewed a woman in a sexual way. I love penis! Butttt I met a really beautiful lesbian who was also kind of masculine (long hair but dressed like a guy..jeans, tshirts, backwards hat) ..anyways, I dig it. She got me very curious. So I was like okay, maybe I am a little bicurious about certain females. I say certain females because I am not in any way attracted sexually to my girl friends or girls I associate with. Kinda just this one girl. We hung out again a couple of times a mutual friend's wedding and we kind of had to be more reserved because we were in public but we are starting to text more and more. I actually kind of think about her a lot, which is weird for me.
My first question is, have any other females experienced this and how should I approach it? She is digging me and makes that known but I am also kinda digging her back... am I just curious or would I be able to go through with hanging out with her alone?
She asked me to her hotel room the couple of nights that we were staying out of town for that wedding and I declined. I just was kinda nervous. One of those nights she stayed in my room really late and we spooned and made out but that was it.
Next question, what should I expect sexually? She knows that I haven't even hooked up with a girl like that but I am still nervous. I don't want to seem inexperienced because I am very experienced and like to try new things sexually. Should I go through with this? Since she is more the "butch" and I more the "lipstick" type lesbian, does that mean she is going to fulfill the duties of a man (i.e. eating me out and playing with my pussy, etc) because honestly i wouldn't know what to do if she wanted me to go down on her or finger her.... I just am not down with that.
ANY advice in this category would be awesome.
THanks!!!
The Answer
If you only want this encounter to be her, sexually servicing you, you need to be really fucking clear about that.
Because if you hook up with her, and then tell her that no, actually you think her lady bits are gross and you don't want to touch them or reciprocate any of the sexual favors you'd like her to perform on you - she's going to pissed off and she's going to be right to be. That would be selfish and insulting.
She might be totally into you not reciprocating. That might be fine - so long as its agreed upon beforehand - but waiting til the last second to someone that you totally into them pleasing you, but that you aren't down with pleasing them - that's being a jerk and a user.
So, if you want to go through with anything, first off TALK to her about what that anything is. One of the nicer things about queer relationships and sex is that it can give people more room for negotiations and discussions about what works for both people. Take advantage of that and don't try to see everything as 'who is playing the guy/girl.' That's not how things have to work, thank goodness.
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