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Ultimatum
My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years and have a great relationship, however our sex life is lacking. We have been in a dry spell for a very long time and I think we both need to make more of an effort but it is difficult as we both still live with our mothers. Yesterday he gave me an ultimatum that he needs someone in his life that can perform oral sex or he wouldn't have a problem breaking up an 8 yr or 20 yr relationship. This hurt really had I would never imagine him saying this. I questioned his sincerity with our relationship and he said this is something he just can't live without. I think he feels if I gave him more oral that his sex drive would go up. My issue is that I feel objectified with his remark and I told him that! I feel like I almost have to counter with an ultimatum to show him how it feels. It's not the oral sex that bothers me it's performing the oral sex because of an ultimatum that bothers me. I don't want to leave him but I need to know that our relationship means something to him and that he isn't going to just walk out one day.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
You say you've been together 8 years and the sexual dry spell has been Very Long...how long...half that time, more than half? With every new relationship, there is a special thing that happens called NRE (New Relationship Energy) and that can easily mimic the strength of having terrific chemistry together. NRE has a euphoric effect, excitement is higher than normal.But after time it will die down and you are left with what the relationship really has. Either a couple has terrific sexual chemistry together or not. A terrific one carries on after the euphoria of the NRE dies off. Couples who have some or slight chemistry together, will find that after the NRE fades away, they are left with sexual chemistry that is hit and miss and as time goes on, it's more the miss than the hit. This is the case for a great majority of marriages, eventually the sexual intimacy is nil due to this occurance and either they begin to have affairs, cheating on each other or divorce. Why do we end up in relationships like this? Because, like myself at 20, we have no great vast life experience behind us to know the difference between the real thing or not. That is why once we gain this life experience, we make decisions to change the course of our lives, whether it be job, or partnership or something else.
The last situation is when two people meet but there is No sexual chemistry together. Either they go their own ways or because they want to experience sex badly for the first time or just plain feel like everyone is in a relationship except theirselves, they force the issue and the relationship is crummy from the start.
Can you see from my description how putting more effort into your relationship is like beating a dead horse? Though you may not want to hear this, you are going to have to come to grips with this mentally for obviously you are not in the first catagory of having sexual chemistry.
And then even if there was sexual chemistry, that does not guarantee that a man will treat a woman like his Queen. The fact that he is making ultimatums shows that he thinks of himself first instead of upholding and supporting you and loving you without any consideration to his needs or what he gets in return. The sooner you realize that not only is there no sexual chemistry but he is a poor example of a man, the better off you will be.
Who cares if you put 8 years in to him? I put 30 years in to an abusive husband I had no chemistry with because as a Christian I wanted to love him unconditionally. I left that relationship finally. My only regrets are that I didn't do so sooner. I now have a husband who is my sexual equal, the NRE we felt wore off and we settled into a very vibrant ongoing sex life and life of loving and supporting each other. We never make demands of each other. We have never raised our voice to each other. We are very blessed and I want to see you experience the same.
Sometimes we have lessons in life that are hard to learn. Wanting to Counter with ultimatums means you are not yet looking at this from a mature adult perspective. I know that hurts. I was once there as a young person but I learned to mature quickly because I did not enjoy the pain I was feeling when I chose an immature response. Maybe one of your lessons in life is to love yourself enough to not settle for less but place yourself in the best relationship possible. To be able to do that, you will have to let go of the ideals that fill your mind now as being right for you.
I wish you the best.
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I'm going to disagree with adviceman49.
NOT because what your boyfriend has said is okay.
Giving an ultimatum was foolish, disrespectful and shortsighted.
Your boyfriend made a mistake, but not the kind of mistake that automatically makes him a horrible human being. He made the kind of mistake someone makes when they are really unhappy, and getting desperate.
So, I'm going to disagree, because if you don't take a deep breath and see the forest for the big honking ultimatum tree here, YOU will be giving up on your relationship.
It wont just be him - it'll be you as well – deciding that eight years is not worth fighting for, and that it’s over.
Your boyfriend might have done this very, very badly, but he's also told you something very important about who he is, and what he wants in life:
He's told you that your relationship is not fitting in with the vision he has for himself and his happiness in the long term.
He's told you he CANNOT go on with this relationship if this degree of unhappiness continues.
That IS selfish, but it's the good kind of selfish. It's the honest selfish that tells your partner "Look, if this doesn't change, our relationship won’t survive."
It is not objectification, and it's necessarily just looking for sexual release either. He's looking for sex and intimacy WITH YOU. That is a twisted kind of caring about you and the relationship. Being that brutally honest is the last move of someone who is desperate to keep their relationship going - If he didn’t value you, he just would have walked away already.
He is THAT unhappy. You have to acknowledge that if you have any hope of the relationship continuing. His feelings and desires do deserve respect - even if he was totally disrespectful in the way he choose to express them.
When your partner tells you that they are NOT OKAY with what is going on, you have two choices. You can say "Okay. Let's talk about this and figure out a way we can both be okay." or you can say "Nope. I don't want to work on this. It's over. Let's break up."
If you are ready to say "Let's break up." That's fair. Go say that. It's okay to decide that this is not the partner for you and that you are ready to walk away from this.
If you aren't, instead of attacking your boyfriend for how totally backasswards wrong he went about this (and he was wrong to issue an ultimatum over sex acts - that wasn't a good way to address the issue) tell him "Okay. You are clearly really, really unhappy. I get that. Let's talk about that unhappiness and all the things that are contributing to it - Cause just 'demanding' oral sex isn't going to solve anything or make things better. It's just going to hurt us both more. So let’s start at the beginning and talk about all the issues here and see if we can’t come up with some solutions, together.”
Yes – You are basically asking to have a fight, but it’s at least it’s the right fight to have. It’s a fight over the things that actually aren’t working in your relationship for both of you (including sex and intimacy) rather than a fight over one very stupid thing he said about blowjobs.
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I have to be honest with you. You have been together 8 years and he is telling you he would throw that away because he is not getting enough oral sex??? What will it be next time Anal sex, BDSM or some other type of kinky sex you may not wish to perform or participate in?
This shows me an entire lack of love and respect for you on his part for. Sex has to be a mutually agreeable thing. Something that whatever you two do in bed is something you both agree to do. Not something one demands and the acquiesce to.
While you may love him; his making this type of demand upon you tells me he does not have the same type of love for you. He is being immature and totally lustful towards you. You can do better then him. He is not looking for a life partner; only someone to relive his sexual urges.
Tell him you do not accept sexual demands and if this is how he intends to act he can find someone else. Tell him he might prefer to find a call girl or prostitute for they will provide whatever he desires if he has the money.
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