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am i considered selfish?
so i have been suffering with depression for a while now, and last semester (i'm in college) i had a complete breakdown. i started missing classes and avoided all my friends. avoiding them, mostly because i didnt wanna be the sad mopey one who eventually everyone wont wanna hang out with. also i just didnt want to burden them with my sadness. i've been struggling with the same issue for so long that i felt my friends got disillusioned by it. people texted or called me and i'd ignore or avoid them. i was completely isolated from everyone else.
but after a while, i felt better and talked to my friend about it. instead of being comforted, she yelled at me for being selfish and not thinking about her. and tells me that im not being considerate of other people's feelings while i was preoccupied with my own sadness.
should i feel offended? i know that being depressed makes you more pessimistic, but i just didn't think it was other people's problems. is it okay to think that my friend is making the main issue into her problem instead of mine, without considering my feelings instead?
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She dealt with your depression the wrong way. She probably just doesn't understand.
It's fine to feel offended by her behavior but she was being a little blunt. What she is saying is true but she doesn't know how to word what she says so she doesn't make things worse or offend you.
You shouldn't be isolating yourself when you're depressed. It seems to be the natural thing to do and you sometimes can't help it but you need to get help and reach out.
I'm sure you know depression hurts the people around you and even though you tried to keep to yourself to avoid hurting others, you always will. If you have good friends, they will be there to help you when you need it.
You both were wrong but you both didn't mean to be. So yes, depression makes you selfish. It's not your fault though, just go get the help you need.
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I really think the only thing that you did wrong in this situation is isolate yourself. You are aloud to talk to people about your situation. Especially if they are close friends of yours. You should never feel like you are a burden because you want to talk about you depression. What you can do instead of keeping your feelings to yourself is listen more than talk. Find out what is going on in your friends life. Escape from being lonely for a little while and let people in. When you're ready for them to hear what is going on in your life, you should tell them. Don't fabricate what is going on. You can't beat this without a little support and love from the people who care about you! Your friend isnt saying you are selfish to hurt you. She is offended because you misjudged her before finding out what she would feel about everthing.
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Whether or not you meant to hurt your friend, you did.
Whether or not you could control yourself, she was hurt by your behaviour, disappointed and maybe even frightened.
You might be fairly offended. Your friend may have been rude or unkind - but she wasn't being dishonest.
Part of getting better includes apologizing for, and explaining, why you were behaving badly before. People can't see what's in your mind or heart, they can't know that really wanted to be a good friend but genuinely couldn't. They can only see your behaviour.
You weren't considerate. You were preoccupied with your own sadness! That is part if what happened. That is part of what you were struggling with.
That doesn't make you a horrible person, but you do need to accept that others might feel some anger, and that doesn't make them horrible people either. Both of you have real issues here, it's not about whose us bigger or more important. It's about how you can understand each other and move on together. That means you appreciating her experience, as well as her understanding yours.
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It is your friend who is wrong here. Unfortunately most people do not know how to deal with someone who is depressed or recovering from depression. I know for I have been there too. Many people think to get over depression you just have to think happy thoughts. You and I know this is not true.
Some of us need to work through whatever is causing the depression which for clinical depression is stress related. Others need the help of professional and maybe medication to get them past it.
One thing is true though that while depressed that person does not see things clearly. There perception is clouded by their depression. I'm not sure if it makes you more pessimistic or not though if that is how you felt then it is true for you.
As I said you friend is wrong or she may have stated her feelings wrong when she was trying to say you should have come to her for help. Whichever is correct is something that requires a discussion between you and her for you are still in a fragile place with your depression.
So I have two suggestions for you.
1. If you have not had help with your depression by a psychologist I suggest you consider getting that help. You should be able to get that help through the school health center.
2. You need to have a discussion with your friend. There are as I said two possibilities here. That being what she said was meant to mean you should have come to her for help and she said it very wrong, or you have misinterpreted what she said. It is also possible that you heard her right in which case she is very wrong.
When you talk to her you need to tell her what it is like to be in a depressive state for more than a few hours or a day. Most people never experience true depression and have no idea what it is like or how to deal with it or someone who is dealing with it. As the TV ads say depression hurts both physically and mentally.
If she is a true friend and once she understands better, if what she said is truly what she meant then she will also understand that she hurt you at a time you can least afford to be hurt.
Most importantly though is I believe you are still wrestling with the problem and stressor's of the depression for which counseling will help. Pleas contact the health office to seek help for your depression
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It's one of the unfortunate side effects of depression that people can turn against you when you're really suffering. When you're depressed, you can hardly bring yourself to care enough to get in the shower every day or comb your hair, so it's understandable that social interaction isn't exactly in the books. I have lost a lot of friends because of this, but the friends who have done their best to understand are amazing, and I know I can count on them for anything.
I think the key here is to acknowledge that your friend is hurting. From her point of view, you were just moping around and refusing to talk to her without telling her why. Part of recovery is taking charge of the things that went screwy while you were in the fog, so apologize to her for being a crappy friend, but at the same time let her know that you need her love and support now that you're starting to get back up again. Take her out to lunch or have a girls' day to start things right. Friends can be very forgiving when they actually know what's going on.
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