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My husband doesn't have many feelings and it hurts.
I don't know how to fix my family. We have a 23 yr old son who has aspergers and my husband refuses to understand anything about him. We were joking around the other day and then we were going to go on a walk when my son sat down to put his shoes on the dog jumped in his lap. My husband went over and took the dog by the scruff and the dog yelped so when he tried to move the dog again my son put his arm up and was going to put the dog down himself but my husband wouldn't let him and kept swatting his arm down. My husband then shoved my son and he hit his head into the wall. My son left the house for the night and I said my husband needed to apologize but he says its my house I can do what I want and he isn't going to stop me. I see it as my son was sticking up for the dog and he says it was disrespect. My husband has hurt the dog in the past so we are always wondering if that is what is happening when we hear the dog cry. How do I get him to apologize to his son?
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Getting him to apologize is the least of your issues.
For one thing, it's hard to see when we are in the situation, because we make excuses for our partner. I was there. I had a husband with an anger problem. In 30 years he never improved. <Eventually I woke up and realized I needed to love myself enough to remove myself from that situation. The verbal abuse was just starting to get physical with shoving me when I left. Maybe your husband started with letting his anger and frustrations out on the dog because he didnt want to let it out on people. But anger problems and maybe some possible emotional or mental illness is not going to improve without treatment. Even with professional treatment, if he doesnt want to change, he won't. Since he is already shoving and swatting, it isn't too far a step to progress to something more drastic such as killing the dog, or injuring the son badly enough to end him in the hospital. Eventually, he will move on to you. If you don't have the backbone right now to stand up to him, at least start seeking help because as the wife of a husband like that, I can guarantee you will need counseling...i did. It is not normal to treat others that way. This isn't what you wanted to hear, I know. You want some bandaid thing to say that will help to "keep the peace for now" I did the same. It isn't easy. Not all agencys are set up to help unless its to the point where you are being physically beaten along with the son. There are separate agencies that deal with the welfare of animals and abusive situations. You might contact them and ask for the sake of your dog what options you have. You need to start reaching out. Do you know what gave me the guts to leave? I asked myself, can you handle this treatment and type of life one more day? Easy, yes. One more week? Yes. One more month? Yeah but I won't enjoy it. One more year? Yeah but I'll be very unhappy. Two more years? Yes but I'll be very very happy. Ten or Twenty more years? All of a sudden, I could not not Yes anymore. My heart dropped into my stomach and I felt total dispair. I knew that looking at the large picture...I could not spend the rest o f my life with him. Hopefully you can get your man to go for some counseling. If not, ask yourself if you can handle him for 20 more years.
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You don't.
You protect your son, and the dog, and tell your husband that even if he FELT disrespected, reacting violently towards his adult son and a pet was not okay. Period. Ever.
Your husband can't do what he wants, if what he wants is to hit people and animals.
No one gives a shit about your husbands precious little feelings about being disrespected. Hitting his son is wrong. Hitting the dog is wrong. If your son didn't want the dog on his lap, let him correct the dog. There was no reason for your husband to get involved. There is never a reason for your husband to get involved violently.
Frankly, if your husband is abusive towards the dog (and if he is hurting it while trying to correct it, then yes, he's abusive) then the dog should be re-homed. It might be time to draw a line in the sand and look for a loving, nonabusive family for the dog. As hard as it is to give up a pet, that pet is entirely dependant on you and you have a responsibility to keep it safe - even if that means the dog is safer someplace else.
As for your son, at 23 he should at least be planning and working towards a more independent life. He needs those skills, and he also needs a safe home environment.
Perhaps you should be considering a more independent life as well. You deserve a loving, nonabusive home, just like your dog and your son. If your husband doesn't want to help you create that kind of home, then nothing you can do can fix that with him. You'll have to fix it without him.
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