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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
So there's this guy that I work with. I'm 18, he's 22. He's a sarcastic person but I've noticed that his sarcasm toward me is mean but his sarcasm toward everyone else at work is nice or funny. He found out that I think he's cute so I was beginning o think that he was mean to me because he was trying to make himself look ugly to me or something. But today, I was working self checkout and he came over and asked if I could ring out his lunch, so jokingly sighed and he said "it's a shame that I make you work while at work, huh?" I bet you really hate me." I didn't answer him and he said "I'll take that as a yes" so I was a sarcastic bitch back and said "I mean, I've always hated you" but I smiled and he said "you're so mean. all you have to do is talk more. I get that you're shy and everything but you can be nicer" and I said back that he's mean all the time so I don't have to be nice and he walked away and didn't say anything. I was just wondering what that was. Like, I not shy toward him, I just don't talk much. So, was he dropping a hint at something, that if I talked more, he'd be nicer or what? I'm so confused.
The Answer
I think he was trying to get a rise out of you.
It's not too nice of him, but if he is being meaner to you, it might simply be an attempt to get to know you by provoking you to responding or talking to him. He *might* be trying to push as you to find out more about you - including where your boundaries are.
Maybe you don't like him anymore. Maybe he's a douchebag. But he has also given you a constructive piece of advice: You are coming across as aloof and distant. It's fine to be shy, but you probably would be well served by being warmer and more responsive at work. Even if you don't give a fuck what he thinks of you, it'll serve you well in the long run at work if you can find more common ground with fellow workers.
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The Question
Hi, I am a 14 year old girl. I am going into ninth grade(high school for me) and my school starts next Monday. I signed up for journalism and computer editing classes but I would like to know what it takes to become a graphic designer(bachelors degree) I am very creative and I am an introvert but I think I would be a great graphic designer. So what classes would I need to take in order to become a graphic designer(bachelors degree). Thank you in advance!! (:
The Answer
Art, art history, and photography would be other very, very useful skills.
Being able to sketch, or even illustrate by hand can GREATLY expand the number of jobs you are qualified for as a graphic designer, as well as give you lots of practical experience that will cross over in the digital world.
Art history is absolutely vital. Pictures are a language in and of themselves, you can't write that language until you understand it. You need to know what styles, colours and themes come from what eras and cultures. Art history, especially contemporary art history, is the way you learn that.
Understanding the basic principals of photography is also not a bad idea if you want a job that makes use of them so much.
Not all of those courses will be things that you can take in highschool. (Most Bachelors in Graphic Design will require Art History credits anyways). But it's a way to start thinking about it.
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The Question
I am an 18 year old female and I find myself to be way more attracted to older men that guys my age. Not old as in anything higher than 30, I wouldn't even go above 24. I just think that 22, 23, 24 are so much more mature, they know what they want in life, they are probably living on their own. By that age as well, they are probably done with the whole pimp thing and thinking they're hot shit, going around and getting all the ladies they can. I also think that older men are more respectful. I was just wondering if anyone found this to be weird. Now, don't preach to me that not all older men are more mature and know what they want type of people. I am talking about the older men that I have personally met and found to be attractive are such as I described.
So, anyway, do you find this weird? I am 18, so it's not like there would be any real, technical issues. Just curious, I guess.
Thanks.
The Answer
As mid-twenty girl, I have to be honest with you, I laughed at loud at the idea of 22-24 year olds being mature, or knowing what they want in life.
The guys I knew who thought they are hot shit, or 'pimping' at 18, still thought the same bullshit at 24 - they had just learned a few more social skills and how to hold a conversation and to mask their stupidity a bit better.
I don't find your desire weird at all. I've normally dated people 5-10 years my senior. I'm not entirely sure why this is the case, but it's been my life.
But here is the real truth of the situation: To attract a mature person who has their shit together, at any age, you have to be a mature person who has their shit together. A lot 20 year olds wont see you as a serious dating material because they will make the same assumptions about you, that you are making about your fellow 18 year old boys - too immature, too inexperienced, too insecure, probably still dependant on your parents, still figuring your shit out...
The best way to find someone who has the characteristics you want, is to look for people who have the characteristics that you want, and not to be blinded by your own assumptions about age, or race, or class...
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The Question
I was doing laundry and the laundry facility is on the outaide of my apartment building. Some dude around my age was locked out if the building behind me and said "Hi" in the distance and I said Hi back. Then he scratched his his head and asked if I lived in the building and I said yes. So he asked if we wanted to go inside and hang out and I turned down his offer because I dont know him. Then he looked at me and said "ohh you have a boyfriend?" And i responded uhh yeah lol..
What was he thinking? Was he flirting? ... Or just a whacko?
The Answer
He might have meant to be flirting, but he was just a wacko and a creep. It's totally rude and threatening to ask a young women on the street to come up to her room.
If you have security in your building, you should let them know about this person. If you see him approaching other women outside the building, you should call the cops.
This is threatening what he is doing. Just because he's sane enough to back off when you say no doesn't make this behaviour okay. If he wanted to meet new girls or hook up with strangers - that's what bars and dating sites are for - there are tons of non-wacko ways to do that. If he doesn't know that hovering outsides people's home means people will fairly assume he is a thief, a murderer or a rapist, then someone (like a police officer) needs to tell him as much and to get moving. He won't get charged with anything, but he will be given the message and get on the police radar in case some foolish girl gets stollen from, raped or killed.
EDIT IN RESPONSE TO MrWombat.
I'm deeply offended by having my comments being misrepresented in the way you did and your decision to insult me personally. I'm proud, as a member of this site, to say that columnists here normally hold themselves to a much higher standard of behaviour. Your interpretation of both my comments, and this situation, are also way off base: As much as you might like to imagine this is about some sort of misandry, you are wrong, this is actually case of a stranger engaging in threatening and unacceptable behaviour, regardless of the genders of the individuals involved.
This person did not simply 'approach a woman poorly' he approached complete stranger in a situation where that approach was INHERENTLY threatening - right outside their home - and requested an intense and immediate level of intimacy - he didn't ask her name or her number - he asked to be allowed into their private residence.
It is perfectly fair (even reasonable, as you also admitted in your advice) to label a threatening approach as a very negative behaviour. I understand 'creepy' is a gendered insult, and I should have avoided that word, but the use of the word doesn't make my comments any less correct or make your deeply gendered insults against my age and my relationship status acceptable. You accused me of sexism (and I'm more than happy to admit the word 'creep' should be avoided and I should not have used it) and then turn around and made discriminatory comments yourself.
Context is important. The context is what makes this approached inherently threatening, and entirely inappropriate.
And to answer your final question: Yes. I think it matter when someone tries to get access to my apartment building in this way. Yes, I think it matters when someone behaves in a very threatening manner in my neighbourhood.
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The Question
is it ok to accept sexual favors from someone you dont really like?
The Answer
Not if they are trying to 'earn' or 'convince' you to like them.
Not if they don't know that you don't feel that way.
Accepting sexual favours from someone who has feelings for you, without telling them upfront that you don't share those feelings, is taking advantage of them.
Frankly, I would never accept sexual favours from someone who I know liked me and I didn't return the feelings. It seemed inherently abusive to me. I prefer sexual arrangements to be between two people who are on the same page, not people with different desires and goals for the relationship.
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The Question
My girlfriend divorced her husband of 20 yrs for his best friend and they now live together. they seem happy.I set her ex husband up with my next door neighbor and they hit it off and fell in love. I was up front with my girlfriend and told her that I set them up. She got upset and does not want to be friendly anymore. Was I wrong for being a match maker for her ex? Should I have not been up front and told her that I was the match maker? My husband and I care about both of them.
The Answer
I wouldn't worry too much about this.
Your girlfriend is being petty - it's understandable to be a bit upset when an ex finds new love - hopefully she can get over that and realize you did nothing but be a good friend to him.
There was nothing wrong with setting up her ex on a date. If she isn't capable of being reasonable, even happy for him, as his life goes on without her, than maybe she isn't a person you want to be friends with anyways.
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The Question
I know i'm not crazy & I don't want people to think I'm crazy. I hear voices talking to me & I feel like there's an evil spirit around me. I hear loud evil noises & when I was 10 years old, an evil spirit even said my name. It scared me but I didn't tell anyone cause I know they wouldn't believe me.
The doctors don't believe me, my parents don't believe me, they think that this is all in my head & that I just have some mental disorder. I even see evil spirits around my house moving around on the walls.
When I was at my grandma's house I heard something evil whispering to me & I go scared and shook for days
I can't sleep either, sometimes I have sleep paralysis. I'll be awake in my room & freeze up, then start hearing voices. I can't talk or move either. I hear voices all day.
I don't understand why nobody believes me or thinks that evil spirits are real. The doctors I went to told me I have psychosis. They just want to tell me it's all made up & I'm being delusional. These voices & spirits scare me. They are always around me & I hear them. These are demons trying to get me!
I don't do drugs or drink alcohol. No one will listen to me or believe me. I believe these voices are REAL
How do I get rid of evil??
The Answer
You are suffering from a mental illness. The fact you can't tell that these voices aren't real, and are simply a symptom of the mental illness, is part of the mental illness. The fear, the sleep paralysis, the belief the voices want to hurt you - it's all very typical of this sort of mental illness.
I know you think it's real - but thinking something is real doesn't make it real. You are confused, and you do need to a trust a doctor or a therapist to help straighten out your thinking.
Your doctors want to help you, but they can't pretend that those voices are real - they have to tell you the truth - and the truth is you have a mental illness.
You have a mental illness that is severe enough, it probably requires medication for anyone to even begin to help you.
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The Question
I saw a video of how they get animal fur (Stupid idea... I accidentally clicked it and continued watching...), and now I'm really sickened by it. I'm never wearing animal fur or eating animal products again, but how can I get the image and thought out of my mind? Please help.
The Answer
Time.
That's really the only cure - it takes time for disturbing visual images to fade, but they do fade.
You might be helped by remembering that those who promote these videos online want you to have exactly that extreme reaction. These videos are like commercials: They are designed to persuade you of a certain thing. They show the worst, usually criminal behaviour, edited in such a way to be the most horrific as possible, and rarely feature the normal or best practices of the husbandry industry.
There is no real reason to wear fur, there are lots of reasons to eat animal protein. Please don't compromise your health with hasty decisions about your diet.
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The Question
Lets call him 'nick'.
I met nick years back when he was with my friend. Apparently there was a 'thing' between us then. I dont remember and I only found out about this 'thing' recently. I just remembered thinking he was really cool and we got on well.
Years later and im in a relationship with nicks best friend. Were on the brink of splitting up. So through my boyfriend ive seen nick a few times, not many.
When im with him he barely looks at me, and I basically have a huge crush on him. I feel like a teenager. He is normally very confident, even my boyfriend has commented on how awkward he is around me. He either likes me or really doesnt.
My boyfriend has always made comments on how alike me and nick are, but I barely know him myself.
For some reason I have been thinking about him more and more. I always fantasize about him.
So the advice I really need:
How do I tell if he likes me too?
Should I say something to him?
Should I ask why he acts weird, or just tell him I like him? (I can say this when my boyfriend leaves).
Why am I so attracted to him when I barely know him?
Anything else .... thanks for all replys.
The Answer
How do I tell if he likes me too?
It doesn't mater. You have a boyfriend.
Should I say something to him?
No. You have a boyfriend.
Should I ask why he acts weird, or just tell him I like him? (I can say this when my boyfriend leaves).
No. It would be deceitful and cruel to treat your boyfriend like that.
Why am I so attracted to him when I barely know him?
Because you barely know him - mysteriousness is attractive - and you don't know enough about him to know anything not to like.
It's okay to have a crush on someone else, but if you don't want to be with your boyfriend anymore, than you need to dump your boyfriend. It is horrible, dishonest and immoral to go around flirting and testing the waters with Nick, behind your boyfriend's back.
If you want to break up with your boyfriend - do that.
If you want to stay with your boyfriend - then you need to let your curiosity about Nick go. It doesn't matter if he is into your or not if you are happily in a relationship with someone else.
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The Question
Hi
Does anyone know of any real health risks invovled with taking the mini pill. I am no longer in a relationship but still take it as it has stopped my menstral cycle but have read various web sites some saying that there is no added chance of getting certain cancers particularly breast cancer others say it is a slightly higher risk. Luckily i have only ever taken the pill since march this year so have not been on it for long, Thanks
The Answer
Oral contraceptives DO NOT increase your general cancer risk. In fact, they do the exact opposite: We've known with a great deal of certainty for a long time now that woman who use oral contraceptives have reduced risks of ovarian and endometrial cancer.
There have been a few recent studies that suggest oral contraceptives might *slightly* increase the risk of breast cancer, but it's not a significant increase, or a well-supported finding.
Many people may believe that the pill increases the risk of cancer (and many believed this long before the recent studies about the maybe, very small, breast cancer risk) but that is mostly a myth propagated by those who believe birth control leads to immoral behavoir, and are willing to lie to women to keep them from using it.
Talk to your doctor if you have any concerns. Most medications come with some risks, but for the vast, vast majority of women, the benefits of birth control hugely out-way the risks. Your doctor will be able to give you the best information about how taking the mini pill fits into your life and can help you get the outcomes you want.
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The Question
Okay so my friend found out that hes HIV positive. And I was wondering, this is a weird question but he has this spiky thingy for his teeth and he bleeds from his gums sometimes and the blood is probably on the object
And if somebody else also uses that object for their teeth and also bleeds, will the person also get infected or is it rare to get infected like this?
The Answer
It's possible, but exceeding unlikely.
HIV doesn't survive for very long at all outside of a host environment - it needs living cells. All studies have show that dried blood has 'essentially zero' risk of infecting another person.
So, it is technically possible I suppose, that someone could have his infected blood, make contact with an open wound in their mouth, and get infected in that way... but it's not terribly likely. Effectively washing and drying his plaque brush thingy should decrease the risk to virtually nothing.
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The Question
F/16
Okay i will be going into college in 2 years, and i Really want to study for a field agent, but my boyfriend doesn't agree with me. He wants me to have a job where i can spend some time with him, and our future kids. He says i need to find a job where i'm going to have time for him, and be able to spend time with the kids, not a job that i will probably never be home, or always have to travel places and blah, blah, blah. We are planning to get married and have children, but anyways. I really want to become a field agent, and i don't know if i should look for another career to satisfy him, what should i do, i don't want him feeling sad ???. : /
Thanks very much-
The Answer
Dump him.
You are sixteen and your boyfriend is telling you that the career you are passionate about wont leave enough time for HIM.
He's not 'sad' that you want a demanding and interesting career - he's a spoiled brat who thinks his wife should be his next mommy - not his equal who he builds a life with based on mutual respect and understanding, but his constant servant.
I'm sorry, there is no other description for his behavoir: He's acting like an asshole.
You have a decade or more to figure out your life/work balance. You should study what you are passionate about and take it from there. You'll discover more careers that suit your interests and talents. You might not become a field agent - you may find something else along those lines that is a better fit for you and your life.
HOWEVER, the fact that he is dictating to you now what that should be makes him an immature, controlling prick. What other decisions does he feel entitled to make for you? Will he decide where you live? When you go out and when don't? When you have children and how many? What will you be allowed to decide? What you cook for dinner for him and what kind of vacuum to buy?
Your boyfriend has straight up told you that in his vision of your life together YOU serve HIM (and the kids) and that your passions and interests must always come second to that service. It's not okay, it's not realistic of him, it's disrespectful, and it's not loving.
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The Question
Hi, 20/M
Me and my girlfriend (all but name) have been going through a rough patch recently.
I saw some messages on her phone at like 1am from a guy that she was introduced to at work. He sent her a pic of herself, and sent messages like "I'm not the type of guy that has sex with just anyone". I told her that I saw them, and it really upset me. Not only do I find it to be inappropriate to be texting someone else at 1am, but what really upset me was that I left hers, because she claimed to be too tired, at 12am.
We spoke and she apologised, and she said she didn't see it like that and understood why I was upset.
There is also this other guy, who is the boyfriend of a mutual friend. We went to a BBQ a while ago, and I kept telling her that he was flirting with her. I then saw messages from him, on her fb, at 1am, with him telling her that "she's cute".
Again, we spoke about this and she said that she didn't really it as a problem, and she didn't see it as flirting.
I'm worried that because our relationship status is not public (people just think we're friends), when she is nice to guys that flirt with her, may give the guy the wrong impression i.e. that she is interested, when really she says that she doesn't know the difference between flirting and someone being nice.
It feels now that she has really taken on board what we've spoken about before. But do I have anything to worry about? Is it inappropriate for a girl to be like that with another guy? My friend says yes, but my girlfriend just happens to get on better with guys than girls (I also get on better with girls than guys).
What also confuses me is that sometimes she will say "I can't just stop talking to them, thats rude" or "He helped me with my job application, I can't make it look like I was using him" which to me sound like excuses.
I just don't know what to think. Am I being paranoid, stupid, and jealous? Or are her actions inappropriate? I of course want her to have friends, but why am I being so paranoid when it comes to these two guys? Is it just because it happens to be that they were flirting? Or am I going to carry on being like this with every guy friend she has?
I should reinforce that our relationship is fine apart from that. She loves me, and I love her. She hasn't physically cheated on me. It's just this messaging.
The Answer
Why (and how) is your relationship not 'public'?
That really is the big question here.
I don't think you are being stupid or jealous, but you are being a bit too quick to judge. Her behavoir may not be perfect, but it doesn't necessarily mean she may cheat either.
I'd agree with you that the late night flirty messages is not really okay behavoir, but the there is also something to be said of her "I can't just stop talking, that would be rude." Most girls are conditioned, from infancy, to be polite and accepting of male attention. She might honestly not have the skills or experience to know how to establish the kinds of boundaries you think would be appropriate.
It's not something people are born knowing how to do, and it's not something girls are taught either. Instead, girls are often told it would be rude to assume a guy is 'flirting' or to ignore or call out inappropriate behavoir from men (like a guy who is dating your friend, calling you cute at 1am...)
But in all seriousness, why (and how) is your relationship not 'public'?
Whatever the answer to THAT question is, is likely a legitimate reason to feel paranoid and insecure.
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The Question
Hey razhie I really need some advice and you're my favorite columnist so I was wondering if you could help me out.. I'm a 22/f I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years, and there's the very real possibility that we will be engaged within the next 1-3 years. His cousin is 24/f and engaged currently. We are all very close friends, and went out for a double date last night. During dinner she jokingly brought up the subject of me and my boyfriend getting engaged in the near future, then more seriously brought up how she has this prenotion that she will be picking out my ring with my boyfriend. She is a good friend to me, but she gets very jealous over rings, constantly comparing others in his family to her own. I know she would pick out something lesser than hers, and besides that I would prefer it if my boyfriend picks it out himself without her opinion, considering I want to wear something that HE absolutely loves. It's not about the ring size to me, but the thought of her influencing my boyfriend so that I can be another comparison really bothers me for some reason. Is it pushy for me to ask him to (when the time comes) pick one out on his own? Or to go with someone from my family instead? Maybe I am over thinking this? Thanks.
The Answer
I don't think it's pushy or over-thinking it to say to your boyfriend "So, when/if it comes to picking out a ring, these are the people in my life who you can rely on for good opinions about my taste and desires - and these are the people you can't."
It might be a bit too demanding - in my personal opinion - to insist he select it all by himself. That could be very stressful for some guys. But it's not too much to let him know who he can rely on for help and who he can't.
Your cousins fiance IS pushy. She might also be your good friend, but she is also pushy. She didn't have any 'premonition' - she might think she did - but she obviously just wanted to make the topic of conversation less about you and more about her.
Put her self centered comments aside tho, and think about what advice you could give your boyfriend to help make his ring-selecting as successful and stress free as possible.
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The Question
So I'm in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend, I live in the U.S. and he lives in Australia. We have yet to meet up, because of money issues.
Today he tells me he has to tell me something and then proceeds to tell me he was caught masturbating in someones backyard. He was questioned by the police and has to go to a hearing in a few weeks.
I honestly thought he was joking, but he assured me that he isn't. I'm in shock, I don't understand why he'd do something like that. I asked him why and he said he's not really sure. I can't wrap my head around this, I'm in disbelief. I feel sick to my stomach, but I'm also worried he could potentially go to jail or something.
What brings a guy to do something like that??
The Answer
This is two kinds of weird.
The first kind of weird is - assuming that this is true - is that he did this and can offer no explanation for why he was masturbating in someone's backyard AND why he was CAUGHT.
A normal person might masturbate outside I suppose, but why at some other person's place, and why in such in a way that either someone who was not okay with witnessing this, saw it, and called the police.
That's really weird. The BEST possible truth is that he had really, really poor judgement.
The WORST possible truth is that he was actually motivated by a very creepy and abusive sexual interest (either the desire to caught or get watched... or any number of other things which he is not being honest about.)
The second kind of weird is that he TOLD YOU THIS.
You are in the US. You've never actually met him. You probably don't know any of his friends or family, so why the hell did he tell you about this?
The BEST possible truth is that he is a honest to the point of pure stupidity.
The WORST possible truth is that he has some some sexual interests he'd like you know about, and rather than be honest with you, he has decided to tell you this horrible story as a way to 'test the waters' with you and see how open you'll be to his sexual interests.
Honestly, I don't think it would be wise to assume the best in this situation. I normally advise people to trust their partners, but in this case you'd have to be plainly stupid to take this information, and his totally lack of explanation for it, at face value.
Something else is likely going on here and he hasn't told you what it is.
This is not someone I'd recommend continuing on with. If this is true, it's a shows a lack of judgement that is seriously concerning. If it's not true, it's shows a willingness to manipulate and lie that is not acceptable.
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The Question
I am a 33yo female with a fiancee (38) and a baby girl (10 mos). Because of financial problems that my fiancee incurred after a loss of a job (for three years) and a baby, we begrudgingly decided to move into my almost in-law's house for a year to try to recover and start our lives over. His mother is old school Russian. Never leaves the house. Goes to and from the store, etc. Her husband takes care of most stuff and she takes care of the house. She works three days a week and takes care of our baby by choice. I try to get home as quickly as possible to relieve her, but I take a Tuesday night writing class as an outlet for myself and I see a therapist once every two weeks. Over the last month, we have tried to co-exist peacefully. Just recently we were informed that his mother is feeling the burden of us living with her. The last three weekends, I did ALL of the cleaning. Not to mention, their house is excruciatingly unorganized. This weekend I visited family and took the baby with me the entire time. She is mad that I didn't clean her messes, after her cat (that pees in the closets) and said to her son that she "just can't do it all". When he offered to take our baby for the day, she said no. In other words, I feel like she thinks I am her maid. I understand I have obligations, but this is ridiculous. I work 40 hrs a week, hardly get to see my baby and now she is mad that I didn't stay home to clean her house. I contribute to much of the cleaning. I have no idea what to say to her because it wouldn't be anything nice if she approaches me with the subject. I am trying to remain her friend.
The Answer
Chill out.
Seriously. She hasn't spoken to you about what kind of arrangement she'd prefer, she's whinged to her son. She refused his reasonable and sensible offer to take the kid. It's unlikely she is going to approach you. It sounds more like she was blowing off steam.
There isn't any reason to chalk this up to anything more complicated than "It's really stressful to have your adult children and their infant living with you."
Having you live with her IS a burden. It just is. Even if you did all the cleaning, and all the cooking, and never needed her to watch the baby - it would still be a burden on her, just like even if she did all of that - it would still be a burden on you that you can't have a home of your own with your partner and child.
This is a really stressful situation for all of you, and you are going to need to blow off steam from time to time. It's doubtful that she has a therapist to talk it over with, so it's healthy enough for her to speak to her son about it. Encourage him to stand up for you as well as support and appreciate her valid frustrations, then take a deep breath and let this go. It IS a ridiculous, stressful situation, but it's also what you (and she, and your men) all signed up for.
So take a deep breath and don't imagine fights and problems before they actually happen. She's entitled to her frustrations and stresses just as much as you are. Don't 'test' your fiance to see who he loves more. That is a stupid, ass-backwards suggestion. It's true that he should stand up for you, but he also has to respect both your feelings and his mother's feelings in this stressful situation, and it would be unfair to make that even harder for him.
So just keep doing your best, and being as considerate and supportive as you can be. Deal with problems as they actually come up. Things you hear second hand don't necessarily need a response from you - and they certainly shouldn't be taken personally.
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The Question
This is a question for men, preferably, around 30. I am 21 years old (F) - I'll be 22 in December.
I was just wondering if there was any chance that a man around 30 years old would be interested in someone my age beyond something just purely sexual. I feel like maybe most men would just write me off when they find out how old I am.
I know a lot of girls say they're mature when they're really not, but if you knew me you'd agree that I'm mature beyond my years. I've never fit in with any of my peers. I've always hung out with older people because I feel like I fit in SO much better. I want a MAN. I appreciate the maturity level of an older man; I want someone "on my level", if you know what I mean.
So how do I attract an older guy in such a way that he looks at me as dating material instead of just some young girl he'd like to sleep with?
What got me really thinking about this was when my mom told me the other day she has a strong feeling I'm ultimately going to end up with someone 7 to 10 years older than I am. I think she's right, and I'd like some serious advice on how to go about it. There's someone I'm interested in who's about 7 and a half years older than me (29). Is there a way to get on his potential-girlfriend radar even though I'm young?
The Answer
I dated men in their thirties throughout my twenties.
Whether or not you can get on the girlfriend-radar of this particular 29 year old, has almost nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him. There is no magic rain dance that will make him think of you as a peer, no manuever that will make him think of you as girlfriend material. Either he will see you that way, or he wont. The best thing you can do, is see yourself that way and be yourself. The best, nicest, most confident and openly flirting version of yourself.
But as for dating older men in general, I'm going to give you a few warnings:
Age is not the best marker of maturity.
You may be a very mature 21 year old.
He (or other men you might meet) can be very, very immature 29, 35, or even 40 year olds.
Don't make the mistake of thinking everyone in their late twenties has magically turned into a MAN. They haven't.
It's really not usual to date someone that much older than you, but it does come with some risks. Some older men (and, women) are attracted to dating younger people in order to better hide their bullshit - younger people might not catch the warning signs quite as fast, especially since the older they get, the better they are at hiding it or making the irrational sound reasonable.
If you end up dating someone significantly older than yourself you want to be extra on guard against controlling or manipulative behavoir that is dressed up as though it's just 'experience talking'. You want to make sure that you both can make decisions and have opinions with equal weight in your relationship.
It may not be fair to say, but it is true: There are sometimes very good reasons that an older person is single. Lord knows I dated a few guys in their 30s who were single for reasons that became pretty obvious after a short while.
My final advice would be: Don't box yourself in. Don't reject guys who are your own age right out of hand. Some of them will be more of a 'real man' at 20 than other guys will be 75.
You want to be seen for yourself, not just your age, it's a good idea to see other people that way too.
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The Question
There is this teacher that I have an intense attraction to, I pine for her all the time. I asked my friend how I can get over her and he said when you get a girlfriend in the future ask her to role play as the teacher. Do you think if I ask a girl to do this she wouldn't mind or she would get mad?
The Answer
That would make most girls mad.
There is a HUGE difference between asking your girlfriend to role play as a teacher, and asking your girlfriend to role play as a specific person from your past, who you are obsessed with.
Asking a girlfriend to pretend to be a specific person (this teacher) is the kind of thing most women would find very uncomfortable.
We all have sexual interests and attractions - and some of them can't be acted on in respectful ways. This is the kind of thing that you might be best to keep as fantasy. There are certainly some woman who would be comfortable pretending to be teacher you actually knew - but that's a pretty high bar to clear.
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The Question
16/f I wanted to try these pills off amazon they say they are safe and natural, would they mess up my hormones? all the reviews say its has worked really well for them. I like my boobs but I want them to be bigger because I have a big butt and I feel unportionate. yes I know they are still growing but im just wondering if it could help and if theirs any harm. they are called Bustmaxx pills on amazon
http://www.amazon.com/BUSTMAXX-Enlargement-Enhancement-Natural-Augmentation/dp/B004L2F4DG/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1374876326&sr=8-5&keywords=breast+enlarging+pills
The Answer
Scam. It doesn't work. Those aren't real people writing those reviews.
Also, there is no reason to believe those pills are safe. They just say it's so. There is no FDA approval, no studies. Don't trust someone who says "It's herbal so it's safe." Hemlock, Hellebore and Foxglove are all herbs, and they are poison to people. Herbal doesn't mean safe. It's just a type of plant.
There are really only three things that cause your breasts to be (or appear) larger:
Growing up.
Swelling (due to pregnancy or other hormonal causes).
Weight gain.
The only one of those that is permanent is growing up. Swelling and weight gain are temporary. At BEST, these so-call breast enlargement pills MIGHT cause some swelling, but that swelling will go down either as soon as your body adjusts to whatever is causing the swelling, or when you stop taking the pills.
You simply can't enhance your breasts with pills. Sorry. It wont happen.
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The Question
Hi Razhie, I really admire the advice you give on the site, and was wondering if you could help me out.. I'm 21/f This week I got my blood taken because I'm feeling sick and may have mono. My appointment was at 7am. My boyfriend (of one year) knows I was freaking out about it, and said he would come with me for support. I was so happy for the support, but felt bad that the appointment was so early so I told him he didn't have to to go because of the unnecessary early time. I guess I was expecting him to say time wouldn't be an issue, as I would have done for him any day; instead he took me up on my offer. I didn't express my disappointment because I offered to opt him out of it, but I still feel upset with him about it. Am I right to feel this way? Or am I over reacting? Thanks.
The Answer
You are over-reacting, and you are blaming him because you gave him false information.
I don't mean you lied, or did anything so terribly wrong, but you told you him that he didn't have to go, when in fact would have been honest and true would be to say "I know it's really early, and that's part of why I so appreciate you coming with me."
It's not fair to blame him for believing you when you said he didn't need to come. In fact, it's pretty counter-productive. You want to have a boyfriend who can trust and believe in you when you tell him things are okay, or are not okay.
This is really a learning experience for you, not a something he needs to fix. You need not to be quite so differential and poliete, and instead be honest about what you want and what you are feeling. You needed to say "Thank you." rather than "You shouldn't have." if what you really felt what that he should have.
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