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Inlaws don't think I contribute enough to the household
I am a 33yo female with a fiancee (38) and a baby girl (10 mos). Because of financial problems that my fiancee incurred after a loss of a job (for three years) and a baby, we begrudgingly decided to move into my almost in-law's house for a year to try to recover and start our lives over. His mother is old school Russian. Never leaves the house. Goes to and from the store, etc. Her husband takes care of most stuff and she takes care of the house. She works three days a week and takes care of our baby by choice. I try to get home as quickly as possible to relieve her, but I take a Tuesday night writing class as an outlet for myself and I see a therapist once every two weeks. Over the last month, we have tried to co-exist peacefully. Just recently we were informed that his mother is feeling the burden of us living with her. The last three weekends, I did ALL of the cleaning. Not to mention, their house is excruciatingly unorganized. This weekend I visited family and took the baby with me the entire time. She is mad that I didn't clean her messes, after her cat (that pees in the closets) and said to her son that she "just can't do it all". When he offered to take our baby for the day, she said no. In other words, I feel like she thinks I am her maid. I understand I have obligations, but this is ridiculous. I work 40 hrs a week, hardly get to see my baby and now she is mad that I didn't stay home to clean her house. I contribute to much of the cleaning. I have no idea what to say to her because it wouldn't be anything nice if she approaches me with the subject. I am trying to remain her friend.
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This is not a situation you can negotiate a peaceful solution too. There are as I see it, being of Russian heritage myself that, many things she may be upset with.
First and foremost is that you and her son have not married yet. To older Russians this is a big red flag considering you two have had a child. She sees herself with an illegitimate grandchild another red flag to the older Russians.
Even though you are working and I assume contributing to the upkeep of yourself, your child and your future husband as well as helping him reduce his debt. If she is old school Russian she sees little or any of this.
Most old school Russian women stayed home and raised their families. You're working as well as your future husband, if I am reading what you wrote correctly. She is once again staying home, as she sees it raising and caring for your child.
I'm reading a lot into what you have written though as I said I am of Russian heritage. My grandmother was born in Russia. She never worked outside of the home. On Monday morning my grandfather would ask how much money they needed that week then went out and earned that amount or more. Working all seven days of the week if he had too. This is not that long ago just two generations.
As I see it your future mother in-law is playing the martyr, this is not something you can fix. I know this because my own mother played the role very well. The best thing you can do is to first get married as soon as possible. It doesn't have to be a big wedding. Getting married at the courthouse is just as married as having a big wedding which you probably can't afford anyway. Plus you saved the money you will need to move out of your future mother in-laws home which is the best resolution to this current problem.
Once you are out of her home you can then be more in control of the relationship with you soon to be mother in-law. I had a great relationship with my mother in-law, unfortunately my wife had to dictate the relationship she had with my mother and the relationship my mother had with our children. This may just be the way things will be with you.
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Chill out.
Seriously. She hasn't spoken to you about what kind of arrangement she'd prefer, she's whinged to her son. She refused his reasonable and sensible offer to take the kid. It's unlikely she is going to approach you. It sounds more like she was blowing off steam.
There isn't any reason to chalk this up to anything more complicated than "It's really stressful to have your adult children and their infant living with you."
Having you live with her IS a burden. It just is. Even if you did all the cleaning, and all the cooking, and never needed her to watch the baby - it would still be a burden on her, just like even if she did all of that - it would still be a burden on you that you can't have a home of your own with your partner and child.
This is a really stressful situation for all of you, and you are going to need to blow off steam from time to time. It's doubtful that she has a therapist to talk it over with, so it's healthy enough for her to speak to her son about it. Encourage him to stand up for you as well as support and appreciate her valid frustrations, then take a deep breath and let this go. It IS a ridiculous, stressful situation, but it's also what you (and she, and your men) all signed up for.
So take a deep breath and don't imagine fights and problems before they actually happen. She's entitled to her frustrations and stresses just as much as you are. Don't 'test' your fiance to see who he loves more. That is a stupid, ass-backwards suggestion. It's true that he should stand up for you, but he also has to respect both your feelings and his mother's feelings in this stressful situation, and it would be unfair to make that even harder for him.
So just keep doing your best, and being as considerate and supportive as you can be. Deal with problems as they actually come up. Things you hear second hand don't necessarily need a response from you - and they certainly shouldn't be taken personally.
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You did say she said things to her son, your fiancee, but not that she said any of her grievances to your face. Does your husband to be stand up for you and try to reason with her?
It sounds like she is playing one of you against the other in a way. Trying to get rid of you not your husband, just you. Doesnt sound like a good family to be marrying into.
If I were you, I would humble myself and start asking every aquaintance if they or anyone they know could use a little extra amount per month to let you basically stay for almost no cost. I think 11 more months with a stranger can't be any worse than mom in law for the next 11 mos. What about her husband in all this? He is the one who pays the bills. Doesnt he have a say in all this? Or does he let his woman run the house and attempt to run the lives of all who live there...
There's nothing old school about her if its as you say it is...she is just an unhappy, bitchy old woman who is lazy and sees an opportunity to take advantage of you. Talk to both men and see if they will take a stand with you against her. If they won't, you might want to test your fiancee now to see who he loves more. Tell him that he has to make a choice to support you and tell mom to give you a break, or the break will be in your relationship, that you will leave him and be prepared to do so. As an unmarried female with a child, it should be easier to find agencys that help. Your threat means nothing if you don't have anything to fall back on. So do some checking around for emergency houseing and daycare for single moms. Once you know somewhere you can go, give the ultimatum.
If your husband will not chose between you and mom, he doesnt have enough backbone, she has already programed him from childhood and she will always meddle in your marriage if it suits her even when you're back in your own place. Better to find out now if he just loves you or is in love with you. A man in love with you will not stand for anyone to be abusive of you, even if it is his parents. Sorry for your situation dear but you have some very hard times ahead no matter what. Pray and ask your angels for guidance too.
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