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Should I be worrying?
Hi, 20/M
Me and my girlfriend (all but name) have been going through a rough patch recently.
I saw some messages on her phone at like 1am from a guy that she was introduced to at work. He sent her a pic of herself, and sent messages like "I'm not the type of guy that has sex with just anyone". I told her that I saw them, and it really upset me. Not only do I find it to be inappropriate to be texting someone else at 1am, but what really upset me was that I left hers, because she claimed to be too tired, at 12am.
We spoke and she apologised, and she said she didn't see it like that and understood why I was upset.
There is also this other guy, who is the boyfriend of a mutual friend. We went to a BBQ a while ago, and I kept telling her that he was flirting with her. I then saw messages from him, on her fb, at 1am, with him telling her that "she's cute".
Again, we spoke about this and she said that she didn't really it as a problem, and she didn't see it as flirting.
I'm worried that because our relationship status is not public (people just think we're friends), when she is nice to guys that flirt with her, may give the guy the wrong impression i.e. that she is interested, when really she says that she doesn't know the difference between flirting and someone being nice.
It feels now that she has really taken on board what we've spoken about before. But do I have anything to worry about? Is it inappropriate for a girl to be like that with another guy? My friend says yes, but my girlfriend just happens to get on better with guys than girls (I also get on better with girls than guys).
What also confuses me is that sometimes she will say "I can't just stop talking to them, thats rude" or "He helped me with my job application, I can't make it look like I was using him" which to me sound like excuses.
I just don't know what to think. Am I being paranoid, stupid, and jealous? Or are her actions inappropriate? I of course want her to have friends, but why am I being so paranoid when it comes to these two guys? Is it just because it happens to be that they were flirting? Or am I going to carry on being like this with every guy friend she has?
I should reinforce that our relationship is fine apart from that. She loves me, and I love her. She hasn't physically cheated on me. It's just this messaging.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Not sure what "worrying" means. Yes, your g/f is sexing other guys. She has been doing it the entire time you have been together. It's what women do.
This secret relationship of yours - why so secret? More importantly, whose idea was it that it should be? Her's I'll bet. And the reason why is pretty straightforward.
Try this for an experiment - stop supporting her financially: free rent, car, paying her bills, groceries, tuition, whatever. How did I know you were doing that? 'Cause I'm psychic, that's how.
Stop giving her money, and you will find out very, very, very swiftly where you stand.
Sorry man, but best you find out sooner rather than later.
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I'm just confused on the relationship being private.
You are right that it's not appropriate to be talking to another guy at 1am.
This problem happened to me before. My relationship with my boyfriend was very complicated because I had moved out of state for college. So we weren't sure where we stood. Other guys would talk to me and compliment me and I was always oblivious to when a guy was interested in me. Only because I've realized that it didn't seem right to me to assume a guy with flirting with me or was actually just being nice. So my boyfriend saw the messages and I had to figure out how to make sure the boundaries weren't crossed.
If she's showing you and working on this, then you should be able to trust her. Whatever reason why you're relationship is private, that could be a big reason why you're insecure about this. So that should be figured out.
She also needs to make it clear to the other guys that she's not interested in that way.
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Honestly , if you find it a problem its because it is a problem. Everyone should treat one another how they want to be treated. Your girlfriend obviously wants to be treated how she treats you. If she loves you , she wouldn't let you feel the way you are right now. If your relationship isn't public , than you should feel insecure . You should talk it over with her . You should always receive respect and if she doesn't want to stop talking to those guys than the relationship isn't important. When you love , you risk alot of things and she isn't risking that. You deserve to be with someone way better , someone who respects how you feel.
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Why (and how) is your relationship not 'public'?
That really is the big question here.
I don't think you are being stupid or jealous, but you are being a bit too quick to judge. Her behavoir may not be perfect, but it doesn't necessarily mean she may cheat either.
I'd agree with you that the late night flirty messages is not really okay behavoir, but the there is also something to be said of her "I can't just stop talking, that would be rude." Most girls are conditioned, from infancy, to be polite and accepting of male attention. She might honestly not have the skills or experience to know how to establish the kinds of boundaries you think would be appropriate.
It's not something people are born knowing how to do, and it's not something girls are taught either. Instead, girls are often told it would be rude to assume a guy is 'flirting' or to ignore or call out inappropriate behavoir from men (like a guy who is dating your friend, calling you cute at 1am...)
But in all seriousness, why (and how) is your relationship not 'public'?
Whatever the answer to THAT question is, is likely a legitimate reason to feel paranoid and insecure.
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My first question is why does your relationship have to be secret? If these two men think she is single - then yes they probably feel comfortable flirting with and pursing her. If you two love each other it's time for you to tell your friends. If these guys keep disrespecting the boundaries of your relationship then you need to talk to your girlfriend. She can still be friends with them, but she needs to explain that she's in a relationship and their advances are unwanted.
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She isn't listening too you nor respecting you.
You have expressed your concerns on different occassions and she still doesn't seem to be reasoning with you. I can really only think of a few reasons she may be texting another guy at 1am and that may be that she is having mixed feelings. Does she tell these men that she isn't interested? Why isn't your status public? Perhaps this may be giving men the impression she is available. Either way, She needs to start respecting you more or it's time to leave. How do you know she isn't feeding into the problem? Well, Here is the icing on the cake.... Texting at 1am? Red Flag
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