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Engagement ring confusion
22/f I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years, and there's the very real possibility that we will be engaged within the next 1-3 years. His cousin is 24/f and engaged currently. We are all very close friends, and went out for a double date last night. During dinner she jokingly brought up the subject of me and my boyfriend getting engaged in the near future, then more seriously brought up how she has this prenotion that she will be picking out my ring with my boyfriend. She is a good friend to me, but she gets very jealous over rings, constantly comparing others in his family to her own. I know she would pick out something lesser than hers, and besides that I would prefer it if my boyfriend picks it out himself without her opinion, considering I want to wear something that HE absolutely loves. It's not about the ring size to me, but the thought of her influencing my boyfriend so that I can be another comparison really bothers me for some reason. Is it pushy for me to ask him to (when the time comes) pick one out on his own? Or to go with someone from my family instead? Maybe I am over thinking this? Thanks.
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Let imagine something. Lets say you're already married, the cousin is just as jealous and into comparison as now. You've been married 5 years. Ask yourself if you can still put up with and actually be close friends with her after that amount of time? 10 yrs? 15? What you see is what you get when you marry someone, same goes for the relatives. No one is going to change much over the span of their lifetime if at all...that's how humans are.
Sooo...if you think her low self esteem problem which prompts her meddling with pushing her opinion and her choices, will put a strain on your marriage..which I believe it will or you wouldn't be writing in about this, then you need to find out about your intended and his stance before you marry.
If I were you, I wouldn't let on that her comment bothered you but ask her alone sometime how many other of his decisions she has influenced before out of curiosity. Next ask him the same thing. IF she's influencing him, ask why he allows it. If he doesn't seem to have any backbone when it comes to her or doesn't see it as a problem, then you have a serious issue. Imagine a name you've had for years that you wanted to name a daughter but cousin won't allow it cus she thinks its prettier than her daughters name. Once you know how your male friend feels, then ask him if he thinks there is a possibility of you getting married someday. If he says no...Find a guy with a family with less drama. If he says yes, you tell him he needs to prove himself to have backbone when it comes to his cousin over the next few years if you are to ever marry him. But you have to mean it if you give the ultimatum. He needs to be on the same page with you, wanting to make decisions only between the two of you without any influence from cousin. If she gets more persistant and nasty, then he tells her that as much as he loves her, he is married to you/or going to be married to you, not her, and until she can respect that and act accordingly, you two will not be spending any time with her. It's harsh but has to be done. Standing ones ground comes first, even with blood relatives, otherwise you'll be making a choice to allow them to influence and run your life for you. If you are willing to give up your own rights and choices and give them over to her just to be with him for life, then thats your choice, but you won't be truly happy if you haven't changed who you are to get what you thought you wanted. Eventually it will catch up and cause strains on the marriage due to how you feel. And because of your unhappiness and stress, it will be looked at as your fault for causing problems.
I realize the heart tie is there and the love. And that is what will make any decisions heart breaking if it doesn't go as you hope. There is going to be pain one way or the other dear, life long pain of basically being in a 3 way marriage and her for all practicality being his 2nd wife, or the pain of leaving him which though it may last quite a while wont last a lifetime. I am sorry you have such decisions ahead but life is never easy. It's the challenges of life that strengthen our character. Good Luck
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While you may be overthinking the situation or problem, if you want to call it that, at this time. I also think its is appropriate to say something to your boyfriend about how you fell. I agree this is a gift from him to you, a token of his love and affection for you; one that signifies he wants to make a lifetime commitment with you.
I believe if you two are talking about getting married then it is appropriate for you to tell him how you feel about an engagement ring. You should say to him, I would love any ring you give me as long as it is something you chose on your own. Something you love for it signifies your love foe me. Size and shape is not what is important it is the significance of what the ring signifies that is important to me.
I hope this helps you. I'm somewhat of a romantic at heart.
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You may be overthinking it.
You're not even engaged yet but it seems his cousin was hinting at it to you both.
Maybe just tell him when the time comes that you want him to pick a ring, because its special to you that HE does it, not anyone else.
But at the moment don't worry so much just cross that bridge when you come to it.
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