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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

advice

Like “May my life foster in the devotion of my wide awake and naked soul.” For example.

Please tell me in well thought out detail the power of “May.”

I will start with with the dictionary says the word 'May' means so it will be easier to understand my examples.
May:
To be allowed or permitted to: May I take a swim? Yes, you may.

Used to indicate a certain measure of likelihood or possibility: It may rain this afternoon.

Used to express a desire or fervent wish: Long may he live!

Some parents wanting to teach their children good manners will teach them to use this word in asking questions, rather than the 'I want' version which sounds more demanding and their mind also is rigidly set on wanting that item, is not expecting a possibility of an answer of no. There is no such thing as a slight possibility it may not be possilbe or may not be granted.

The 'may' used in a mantra is more like that last example of expressing a desire or fervent wish for something. When a person says a Manta Starting with 'may I', they are repeating this to their selves in hopes that repeatedly speaking and hearing it, you will bring that quality into existence inside of you. I would have to agree that this works for many people and not for some. I can explain. I do believe our subconscious mind comes into play here. I have repeated things over and over out loud or in my mind for the benefit of my subconscious when thinking of someone who left me hurts and I couldn't stop thinking of the person. It's more of a process of retraining the subconscious which believes ones of its jobs is to make you happy. However its way of thinking isn't always logical to our awake mind. It is also responsible for the emotions we feel. A good example is watching a movie that makes you so sad that you cry or so angry that you feel your pulse rate pick up. The subconscious is alert 24/7 and picking up on what you show interest in. When it's a particular person, it will bring up thoughts of that person every couple of minds so it make it hard to move on after a breakup because it isn't registering that you want to move on and constantly thinking of that person keeps you held back. If you show an interest in wanting to acheieve something in personal growth, improvement and repeat a mantra, saying the May I shows that it is important to you but if there is something else that must happen first that you may as yet be unaware of, then like a polite request, Fate, God, your angels will do what they can to not allow it to happen yet. Sometimes, it isn't so much the word May that makes the difference but in case of retraining your sub conscious to know you want to add this quality of character to your life, its a matter of retraining your sub through constant repetition, much how we train young children to learn something, lots of repetition. So I wouldn't call it a power that the word has, rather it has more to do with your mind set, no distorted thinking and no self sabotaging behavior is more important, at least in my case it is.

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I'm male, 13yrsold and want sex now but I can't? Also I'm gay

You're not going to like my answer because at your age, due to puberty the urges for sex are there but it's still a young age to start because it takes a lot of responsibility and knowledge to be having sex with a partner, so we need to give our minds a while to catch up with our urges. The best thing I suggest any young teen do is to masturbate. I know it's not the same as sex with another person but most people at your age truly have to way to go about it. Girls need a birth control and womens clinics don't hand it out this early, then there is acquiring condoms, and even having a place to have sex, or the parents okay with it as such a young age. I remember being that old. I know how we don't like being told we are too young and the only way to have perspective is once you get past that age and look back but by then you can't undo any bad first sex experiences. In talking once to a group of adults where the topic was sharing about your first sexual experience, not a single adult could say it was good or fun, It was a bad experience for every single one. And no, I am not exaggerating, this is true or I wouldn't be sharing it.

As for feeling you may be gay, that is something that is not set in stone yet. Only one thing I know of where children at usually age 3 and on already know their gender, can know at an early age that they are transgender, meaning the gender they were born with is not the gender they feel inside. This is something known already in the mind at such an early age. One's sexual preferences are a bit more complicated. So other than gender identity, knowing your sexual preference is going to be understood for sure after you hit your early twenties and in some cases, later like closer to 30. There are more classifications than just gay. A common misunderstanding is a person feeling they are gay when in fact they may be bi sexual. I have known plenty of bi sexual females in my life and almost every single one was married and was attracted to her husband. However that is the only male she was attracted to sexually, otherwise, she was sexually attracted to females. In asking some of the husbands what they thought of it, they never felt threatened, wanted to support the wife's desires, just be safe, and also, I don't think I ever met a husband who was also bi. I have recieved letters on advicenators from young HS grads or those in college who were confused, when thinking all along they were gay, and then meet that one person of the opposite sex for whom they have a very strong sexual desire, but not just the sex, they are also best of friends and yet they still are attracted to the same sex. Bi sexuality doesn't seem to be talked about as much as transgender or being gay. Then theres A sexual, Pansexual, and so on, other sexual preferences that are not often talked about and some people don't even know about those, or don't believe there is such a thing, simply because they haven't heard of it. I actually had a male write that a girl he flirted with said, Sorry but I am A-sexual and he thought she was making that up as an excuse to say she wasn't interested.

For your future, I would also like to give some advice. There is sex just as a recreational activity and there is sex that results as an outpouring of the love two people have for each other. I have had both. I don't say it's bad to have sex if you don't love the person, but you may just like them as a friend and therefore the term, friends with benefits. The one thing I streas is that you be honest up front and let a person know whether this is more lust and recreational, or love and an outpouring of that love. The parter may not feel the same as you. I am sure there are many gay men who will feel the same as females who feel used if they assume you are interested in them for more than sex when that isn't the case. The only real difference between a friend and a dating partner, mate, spouse, is that friends lack the sexual desire for each other. Otherwise, partners are not only best of friends but also have sexual desire. Keep trying to find those who you feel both for rather than try the balancing act where you piss off and lose your mate if you have one partner for friendship only and one for sex only. Find both qualities in one person. As you can see, this is advice for your future and stuff few people ever talk about but I have no problem with it and actually wish it were taught somehow at your age. There'd be less heartache and problems if simple info like this was known and followed.

sexual

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I'm 15 and my parents have always been super protective of me. Maybe it's because I'm an only daughter in addition to being an only child. Who knows. I do know I was determined to get more freedom. Several months back, I came across something online about GPS watches. I did a little research and presented my parents with a proposal. If they got me one of these watches, I'd be willing to wear it in exchange for a later curfew. After sleeping on it, they agreed.

So for the past month or so, I've been wearing this watch. They've held up to their end of the deal. I'm finally able to stay out as late as all my friends. The only restriction I have is that they've programmed the watch to send them alerts if I'm late for school or try to leave school early. I never play hookie, so that's not a big deal to me. In case you're wondering, this watch has a lockable wristband. That's how they know I'm not just taking it off once I'm out of sight.

I recently told a friend what this watch does and he thinks this arrangement is just nuts. Personally, I don't see the big deal. I get more freedom and my parents get to worry less. Seems like a fair exchange. What do you think? Was I wrong to make this deal?

I didn't know such a thing existed but that's wonderful for you. I am glad you found a way to make an arrangement with the parents to gain some freedom. As a parent, I feel that is a good idea. The world is certainly a more dangerous place now than when I was a teen. That's great problem solving skills. YOu may want to think of a career that involved some problem solving as you are great at it

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"For if a man, think of himself as something when he is nothing, he has deceived himself. But let every man prove his own work, and then shall he have rejoicing in himself alone, and not in another."

II know visuals help me understand things so imagine a Hot air balloon being filled with hot air. Once it is full of hot air, unless tethered to the ground, what will it do? Its rises. The man or woman, any human who thinks them selves as something means they think they are better than others. And another way people label such people is as being full of hot air, and that again means, hot air rises so all they do is try to make themselves appear to be above all others, better than them. Usually it doesn't stop at thinking only but the words that come out of their mouth. So they will talk 'big' about themselves, rattling off a list of all they know, credentials, and compliment themselves in front of others. At the same time, he/she is usually berating, name calling, saying terrible things to make other people feel much lower and beneath him/her. So this verse is instruction to not look for false glory from others when you have not proven it through your work ethics and also how you handle yourself as a person. What this is saying when compared to a job is that a company boss who tells others to do something a certain way, is not above his work force. Yes someone needs to lead but if he has no problem stepping out of his leader role to work alongside his workers, that is a good boss and he can feel happy with himself (rejoicing in himself alone and not seeking praise from his workers for helping them, all he sees is a team effort and he is part of the team.

Another verse I am reminded of is John 12:43 "For they loved the praise of men more than the praise of God." Well, who doesn't like recieving a compliment which I equate to sometimes being a praise. It's okay to love recieving compliments or praise from others. What is wrong is when the person in question does not live a Godly praiseworthy life so they fabricate a persona that they represent themselves with and actively go about seeking the praise of other humans rather than wanting to get Gods praise, the praise of their heavenly father. I don't think we can imagine God praising such a person when they are holding themselves to the standards of men rather than God. A bible study on line on that verse mentioned that.

A couple of my own examples of running into people who thought themselves better than others, and I will keep this to just relationships, starts with my ex. He was never satisfied or happy with anything I did. In complaint of how the kitchen was organized by me, I asked him after several shuffles to write out exactly where he wanted things to be and followed that list exactly. All along he said I was so stupid and idiotic for an adult and kept saying how he was so much more intelligent. So thats why I had him make the list. All I wanted was peace in the house. After following his list and having him inspect the kitchen, he'd already forgotton about the list and yelled about how I was such an idiot to have put it together that way.
After the divorce, I dated but was smarter now and knew I did not want a man who thought he was better than everyone else when in actuality that is not and never will be true. One guy seems real nice for the first 3 dates. For the 4th, I was invited to his home as he was cooking dinner for me. As soon as I entered the home, he said please excuse the terrible mess (his home was immaculate) but I have a lazy (and here he inserted racial slurs) of a maid. I will need to fire her. I quietly ate dinner but never ever got back together with him. He thought he was better than a maid, better than another race and that was enough for me to know he was as bad as my ex. I was not about to jump from frying pan into the fire.

I also personally believe the following: If I don't think of myself as above anyone, I am more likely to have empathy for a person, no matter if even they think I am the bad guy erroneously. What I do is imagine myself in their shoes, or another way to think of it is how it would feel to be living their life. (this takes having a great imagination) And so instead of feeling slighted or treated badly or whatever, If I see things through their perspectives and through their eyes, I understand how it is possible for them to feel resentment to me. This is why after 3 different occasions when 3 different family members, mom, dad and a sister stopped talking to me for months and one almost a year, I understood how twisted thinkig could have led them down that path, I didn't try to prove my innocense, just gave them time to get over it, and it was a long wait, but eventually we were on friendly loving terms again.

Another time, I didn't feel offended or think of myself as better or above another was when going to our church food bank which was located right next door to our church offices, in a separate building from our church. The pastor approached me to tell me the church secretary was very upset with me and that it had to do with her daughter and a young childrens program my husband and I led. You might want to go talk with her." he said. I said of course I would. I had no idea he was eavesdropping to see how it went. Apparently she had heard other women in church talking a totallyk fabricated story of how terribly I was treating her child in class. She had no reason to believe that there were church goers who would stoop so low as to try to create trouble for me because they didn't like my personality. Heck, I don't like lots of personalities out there, but I don't try to act like children and act meanly toward them. I had her tell me her story, put myself in her shoes, and could see how easily I would have believed the same thing if It was about my kids. Before long, without having to say, I never did that to your child, I was hugging her and crying as hard as she was, because I knew as a mother how much it would hurt to think my child was singled out in class to be treated badly. Once we stopped crying, I told her the truth, that her daughter was one of the best children in my class, always friendly, loving, never acting up and I wished all the kids in the class could be duplicates of her. It was my true sentiment. Words are cheap, they can be lies, but she picked up on the true energy behind my words and from that day forward, we were on a friendly basis again. The pastor caught up with me as I was putting my food into my car and thanked me for doing what I had done.

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So I am one to believe that life is nuanced and there are definitely gray areas in many situations.

My partner does not. He thinks in black and white.

The problem is he only applies this black and white thinking to other people. But to himself not so much.

I am asking I guess for perspective, because I have thought about this issue so many times and i can’t seem to come to a solid conclusion.

Background: I have been with my partner for about a year and a half. The first 6 months of our relationship were mostly long distance. We’ve now been living together for about a year.

The issue: Because of deep rooted childhood and past relationship traumas that I won’t get into here, he has always had trust issues. For the long distance part of our relationship he always worried that I was cheating on him. I wasn’t.

When we first began, I tended to be honest with my past and answered his questions and shared about who I dated and what I did. This of course made someone with a troubled past even more insecure (except I didn’t know that about him at that point so my naivety kept me talking and sharing).

Now by no means have I had a sketchy past or hundred of sexual partners or anything like that. I may have made a mistake but who hasn’t. Anyway he was not able to get over my past and the things I shared with him, and it would lead to bad fights so eventually I stopped sharing.

Where I was wrong: Because of his overblown reactions, and constant judgement of my past, I started downplaying situations. I wouldn’t lie per se, but I would only share the bare minimum and omit things that I knew would set him off or make him insecure. For example, if I was out with some girls and guys, I would only talk about the girls. If I was having lunch with a friend who I knew liked me but who I was not interested in, I wouldn’t share that this friend had a crush on me. If he asked me about a past vacation and who I was with, I would say a friend , when it was actually someone who I liked (but nothing happened with them). Once I even told him that I only hooked up with someone when I actually did more than that, but all of this was before I met him! I didn’t think it fair to be judged for something I did before I knew my partner.

See, I know this is wrong. I know not telling the whole truth is like lying. But if it was my past, and if I’ve never cheated and if I have never been interested in anyone except my partner and I was trying to avoid upsetting him and irrational fighting, is it really that wrong?

Part of me says yes it’s wrong.

But part of me also says, I’ve caught him doing the same thing. Downplaying a situation or telling a white lie for something to not seem as bad. We’re human. We do this out of fears, to avoid punishments, etc.

Anyway he found out about a few of these situations where I downplayed and now he’s flipped it around to “I’m not mad about what you did I’m mad about you lying”.

But he is not free of his own mistakes either.

I say if I have always respected our relationship. Never cheated or done anything nor would I, is it fair for him to continue to torment me about my past and about who I was with where and what I did with them and about downplaying situations?

Now we live together so this doesn’t happen anymore, but he’s likely to bring up the past and remind me that I haven’t been 100% honest with him all the time.

I just don’t know what to say or do in that situation. Turning it back on him is not mature, but then again , how can you hold someone to a standard you don’t hold yourself to?

And was it so unforgivable for me to downplay a situation about my past out of fear of his reaction?

Have I dug my own grave here?

Thanks in advance for reading this.

Hi there. I am going to address stuff you wrote as you wrote them because there is plenty I'd like to share back. So this may be long but should be very informational.
You see the world in gray, because it truly can't be black and white all the time. As I believe, yes there are rules to be followed but sometimes a situation doesn't apply so I often say, "There are always exceptions to the rule.

His childhood aside, it is difficult to establish trust in a person you meet on the internet and have no way of relating to in person, thats for anyone. I am not rooting for him here though, just letting you know how I understand life situations. See, trust is built by being around a person in real life so that you have the opportunity to witness with your own senses whether the person is who they say they are, or not. It is when a person is consistently the way they say they are, that trust is built because you know you can rely on that person, because they will always act the same. So yes, it's difficult when in an LDR, (
long dist. relationship)

However you mention being in person together for a year now. Based on what I just described as to how trust is gained, it doesn't take a year to gain trust in a person. Five or 6 months top should be enough for those slow to trust.

Now you also know why any person can't be sure in an LDR that the person they relate to on screen isn't cheating with someone else in person.
I have experience with meeting a guy on line in a dating site and taking that to real life where we are married now. The person he portrayed himself to be, if I (I'm a female) shared the facts of my background history which would include not just childhood on up, but past marriage, any dating partners, and such was no issue to me, just me revealing the truth. He had no issues with self esteem or self confidence so what I shared never phased him. If he had had childhood issues, or as I said, low or lack of self esteem and confidence, then he would have had many many problems with trusting me.
A person with trust issues has a memory and feelings along with it that are playing on endless loop in their mind so they can never trust, no one, not just you. Is it healthy to continue to play this tape forever and react according to ones thoughts? No, of course not. I do understand there are things that happen in life and stuff such as PTSD too, but there is always treatment available when its a matter of a lack of trust or other dysfunctional issues that usually arise out of distorted thinking/thoughts. A good amount of lots of problems in life especially when it comes to relating with other humans whether in relationships or non couple relationships are due to distorted thinking. So much strife could be eliminated if the people with the issues would seek professional help. Unfortunately, there is no way to force another adult to seek help if they don't want to or feel there is nothing wrong with them and that its all you that is the problem. I got that lots with my ex. An ex counselor friend told him to go seek help because he wouldn't listen to me. He went twice and then stopped because he said there was nothing wrong with him.

Now the part you struggle with, not telling the full truth all the time in every situation. It is not the act of not sharing full information or keeping some things to yourself that is bad, God looks at the intent of our heart in such things. I don't say this lightly as I have a good relationship with Jesus. Even if you don't believe, I feel you need to know I am not flippantly saying what sounds good. God is more concerned with the state of our heart and the reasons why. In your case, you are stepping on eggshells around your mate and in your heart you don't want to lie but you keep the whole truth from him in order to protect his feelings so in that case your intention is a good one. However, here's another way to look at what you are doing, it may be enabling him to remain stuck, by avoiding the things that set him off. I am not saying you are a bad person either way, we all have done this sort of thing, half truths, or enabling people until we sort it out straight in our minds and come to our senses. That is what you wish to do, sort out where you stand in this and to know what to do so I support you for even writing in with this situation in the first place.

You stated we do this out of fears or to avoid punishments. I suppose, but it isn't fear for what would happen to me if I was totally honest. My concern is for how it will affect the other person . Here's something I have faced many a time since I am female. I'll be out with a girlfriend who is into babies. Most women are. So she walks up to a MOm who is holding her baby and coos and ahs over what a beautiful baby it is. Then right in front of the Mom asks me to come closer and see which I do ( I love kids truly) but the child I see is anything but cute or beautiful to me. I find it downright ugly at least to my personal taste of what cute is in a baby. She asks me if I agree this baby is so adorable. I don't agree so what can I say? I don't say its cute, that is a lie, I don't say it's ugly because that would hurt the mothers feelings and she'd probably think I was a horrible person. So having to say something, I look quickly for a truth I can share without answering the question. I will say, I love the outfit, if I really like it. Or if I find the childs eyes look similar to the Mothers, I will say, it looks like your child has your eyes. People don't usually realize you did not answer the actual question. I don't do this because I like lying, but I do it out of concern for other people. What would happen if everyone in this world could no longer speak untruths? There would be total chaos. This was explored in the Jim Carrey movie "Liar Liar" in which he was a habitual liar who all of a sudden could no longer tell a lie, even a white lie to protect someones feelings. I know you are in a same sex relationship so you wouldn't be in the situation Jim Carrey plays when in an elevator with a new employee. He asks if she is new in the building. She says "yes, I just moved in Monday". He says, "You like it so far?" She says "Mmm hmm, everybodys been real nice." Now being a hetero man, he is visually oriented to women so he says whats on his mind and its the truth but the woman is offended. He answers, "That's because you have big jugs . . .I mean your boobs are huge, (and by now he looks so embarrassed but he is still trying to say some untruth that is nice yet the last thing out of his mouth is "I want to squeeze them" and the woman hits him. This is of course a comedy so we all laugh but in real life, you can make enemies awfully fast if telling them things that would make them angry or whatever. I like Disneys words applied to Thumpers Mom. Thumper says his mom taught him, If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all, because if the truth is going to be taken as not nice or bad by the person hearing it, then it shouldn't even be said.

All that in defense of you and choosing to not say everything that you know will get your partner upset. Sometimes even an innocent phrase that 99% of people wouldn't blink an eye at will set off that 1 % if they are touchy about something. My oldest child in her 3rd marriage, married a guy who seems to be a sociopath. His father is a psychopath and hasn't been caught by officials yet. Before they went into seclusion and cut themselves off from the family, my brother in law asked him an innocent question on Christmas eve, "So are you spending time with your family tomorrow?
I wasn't there yet but he erupted in anger, yelling and cursing and saying he was going to kill my brother in law, simply for asking that question. He has mental illness as my daughter does, has believed situations and made up whole stories in his past that are all pure imagination because my daughter started telling me the same stories as things of her childhood which I know to be just fabrication, no truth at all. So, if the person who gets upset has troubles for one reason or another, all the people in the world he comes into touch with should not have to accomadate the one persons issues. In his world, he is expecting the worst to happen over and over, stuff from his childhood. Expecting, not just remmembering the past and getting upset when he thinks of it. Reacting emotionally or physically is not necessarily wrong if it is within reason. My example is hearing this from several vets: They were walking down the street one by self and one with a wife when a car backfired and the sound of that made them react without thinking and they hit the ground as they had to in war if they heard what sounded like gunfire. That is an understandable response and within reason. It does not hurt or affect anyone else around them. The wife I heard was startled to find the husband all of a sudden flat down on the sidewalk. In your situation, you are being affected by what your mate is going through. So his reactions are no longer a reasonable reaction or response. In your situation you are stuck in a catch 22, you are damned if you do, and damned if you don't. So no matter what you change your actions to, he will always react badly and think the worst of you. I was in such a situation with first husband who was verbally abusive. I tried to use logic and it never worked. I had him write down exactly where he wanted all dishes and foods in kitchen cupboards, willing to change it for peace in the house. When I followed his instructions exactly, he looked at it and told me I was an idiot for putting things where I did. When I showed him his handwriting and that I followed it. He ignored that and said he wasn't the problem, I was. If logic and reasoning wouldn't work there because according to therapists I went to see, there was faulty twisted thinking and logic and without years of help from a mental health Dr. hubby was not going to improve. Since he was still saying he wasn't going to a Dr. ever again because nothings wrong with him, (thats his distorted thinking talking) I chose to leave him after much prayer. God in fact told me to. I can not tell you whether that is the ultimate solution for you.

I can say that you, like I in the past, are not the problem in our situations. So there is nothing unforgiveable about you downplaying situations out of fear for his reaction. I assume that there must be a ton of really great qualities about him for you to wish to stay and make this work. I don't mean to rain on your parade, but if you can live with him constantly accusing you and not trusting you, then good, because without professional help, he is not going to get any better. This is not about good or high standards that you or he fail to uphold. This all boils down to mental health. Not saying it's one of those mental health diseases like OCD, Bi polar or such. But even though I am not talking of a genuine mental illness, one can begin to think distortedly and sometimes due to influences of life experience as with your partner, or others who had no bad experiences, but it started from within, connected to a fear or some other emotion based on something they read or saw in a movie, not something that actually happened to them. So you have not dug your own grave. But lets just say, you're like living in a graveyard of sorts, because your partner is like the dead among the living, because he isn't really living life to the fullest with the complete joy a couple should be having if they have the perfect mate for themselves. In short, if there is anything you can do to coax him to go to therapy for his past, then thats what you should do. If he won't change anything, not get help, then the rest of your life with him will be the same or get worse over time. I thought I could handle that. After so much odd stuff, I figured I had endured it all and made it out the other side untouched. I was wrong. I wasn't factoring in what the stress of such a situation, will do to you either mentally or physically. In my case the stres having to go settle somewhere, it went into my physical body. I got stress caused rashes, ulcers, headaches every day, about 4 xs a yr migraines, and so on. I know others who are affected mentally by the stress. They begin to think distortedly, one of which is blaming themselves and feeling they must be part of the problem. Or they can actually begin to look crazy to all the normal people out there. I went once with my mom and sister to a state mental hospital where my brother ended up (schizophrenic) for a short while till we found other placement. We were ushered into a visitors room and told to wait for someone to bring my brother to the room. The door opens shortly after and a crazy woman came in. Her actions and language were clearly not that of a health thinking normal average person meeting strangers the first time. She excuses herself and left and I turned to Mom and said, "Wow, I didn't know they let some patients here just roam the facility. "Thats' no patient, that was his treatment counselor here." Mom and sis laughed but I was horrified to learn that if someone is around a stressful situation long enough, they can begin to have mental issues too, at least in how they appear to others. It isn't something you can measure weekly, monthly or even over a couple years. I was married to my ex for 30 years so it was slow but a slow deterioration of my health over time with headaches being the first. He even complained that I had headaches all the time when boiled down, he was the one causing it. If your mate gets treatment, it may still not be perfect but lots better. Sorry I don't have any clear cut instructions on what to do other than counseling. Even if he doesn't go, I suggest you do because it can be very helpful to you to help dealing with this and having instructions on what to say or not say, Dr. approved. It helped me. I do hope at least that you no longer feel burdened by guilt of keeping things from him to protect him. It only gives temporary peace but in the end, it crumbles such as him telling you when he found out the truth, he's not mad at what you were doing but mad you lied. You know darn well if you had told the truth, he would not have been mad but worried and untrusting, thinking you were flirting or more with other men. Both are not good reactions from him. Untreated though, you can only choose which reaction you will get from him. I don't know if he is a strong enough character to leave you eventually if he thinks you are the problem but that is also a possibility. Therefore, I can't say more about how seeing a therapist can help you stay sane, know for sure whether you are handling things the right way and to know what options you have. Good luck and God bless

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I have a LOT of history with this boy. We went to nursery together and then the last few years of primary school together (kind of friends) and then we went to the same rowing club.
At this time I massively fancied him and made it really clear, we went on a date but nothing really came from it. Then about 6 months later he decided he really liked me and asked me to hang out at least 5 times but I'd lost feelings so declined each offer.

Now we're in the final years of high school together and we are really close friends and I like him soo much but he just got out of a pretty bad (but brief - 2 months-ish) relationship.
He told our mutual friend that he is attracted to me (since breakup) WHAT DO I DO? I don't want to ruin our wonderful friendship :(
Btw I'm female and we're both 17 years old

It sounds like you have a good history and since he never said he was no longer interested in dating and you've heard he still is after his break up, there is no reason why you two can't give it another try.
Also, you both are a little older now. I can't say if this relationship will end up life long but you both have one good thing going for you already and that is being best friends.
I think plenty of people today assume that being best friends and being in a relationship together are two separate things and don't belong together.

That couldn't be farther from the truth. Of the best, strongest, longest lasting marriages for example, there are two things that make up the solid base of the foundation for that relationship. Want to guess? If you guessed friendship, then you are right because friendship is a main integral part of what makes a relationship be a success. It is also the harder part. The other half of the equation is being each others romantic and sexual equal. It doesn't matter if you two have had or have not had sex yet. A person can tell some things already to know if the two of them are even in the right ball park. If simply being near the person, one feels a euphoric emotion, if holding hands is more than just touching but involves a sense of belonging to voluntarily, a sense of companionship one can trust will always be there, a sense of wanting the world to see who your special person is and others knowing your partner is taken, those are powerful things to feel, just from a hand hold. This might have sounded too flowery and unreal but I have this with my second husband. I got married to the worst and wrong guy the first time.
Then there is kissing. If a kiss feels wonderful and makes butterflies flop in your stomach or even just a warm cuddling feeling, or even a sense of sweetness, then you two have enough chemistry, and both feel this, then it's possible you have enough chemistry to make the romance and sex part work. If a kiss feels like you just received a romantic kiss from a male relative, like a Dad, brother, cousin, etc, then you both are wrong for each other. The thing about the romance/sex part is that both of you have to have the same feelings. Sometimes only one feels it and the other doesn't, and that won't work at all.
And this brings me to what you said about losing feelings for him at one point. I assume that is no longer the case. When You say you like him sooo much, it sounds like the beginning of love. I want to address the loss of feelings because many marry quickly if they feel strong feelings but what they were feeling was not love or intense liking, but something called NRE, New Relationship Energy. This is a real thing. In fact in some studies, it was found that some people get addicted to the high they feel when with a new person or a new dating part of a relationship. To explain this better, think back to a Christmas you really wanted a toy real bad, yet when you got it, it only held you interest for a limited amount of time, like days, a couple weeks or maybe a month or so but no longer. What you and the parents assumed would hold your interest forever, actually did not. The assumption was that the excitement felt in the beginning was the actual want and desire for the object (or person) because it was perfect for you. When a person or even a toy is not perfect for your intricate and unique personality, then the excitement eventually wears off. Once it wears off, what you feel now for a person is so different, it almost feels like a let down, a disappointment, the head in the clouds feeling is gone, the giddy feeling, the butterflies, etc, all is gone and so what is left feels drab in comparison. This is where people make mistakes. It is assumed that since it no longer feels the same as it did in the beginning, that one has lost their feelings, fallen out of love. While it is true a person can fall out of love, it does not happen in the earlier parts of a relationship but after a long time of a partner not giving love, with-holding it, mistreating you, etc so without treating you in a way that deposits love in your heart, your heard eventually runs dry, like an empty bank account and you are no longer in love. That's what happened in my first marriage.
Most people are married to their best friend but the romance and sex is missing. If both miss the sex and romance, then one or both are likely to cheat and go find sex elsewhere. If two people only have a hot fiery romance and sex life but are not truly best friends, then the only time they get along will be in bed which is the lesser part of time spent together in a day. The rest of the time, they fight and treat each other like enemies, can't be trusted, and actually hurt each other.
So if you have friendship, then a relationship with him is possible because both of you have interest. I am guessing what you thought was a loss of feelings was actually the new relationship energy finally dissipating so you thought you'd fallen out of love. The best way to find out if there really can be something like romance between you both is to start dating. Dating doesn't have to mean commitment has been made to always be with a person as some believe. Dating is a fact finding, discovery period to find out if the other person is the same person over long term, meaning who they say they are, their good traits, don't come and go like the rain or sun but are consistently there, and that is how trust is built in a relationship. YOu'll have some to start since you already know each other but it can grow even stronger.

As for concern about the timing since he just got out of a 2 month or so relationship, my guess is it did not work because though both may be perfect people, they are meant to be perfect for someone else more like them, but not perfect for each other.He also could not really be too invested in that relationship with his heart because it did not last long. Yes, I know some fall in love at first sight but this guy is telling someone after the break up that he is still attracted to you. Attraction by the way is usually by sight, what we see first but that is not the only attraction. If we like what we see, the second step is getting to know who they are on the inside, their character, hopes, dreams, beliefs, what they stand for, etc and we can fall in love with that. That is what the second hubby and I have. This is what is missing to some extent in many relationships, the attraction to the unique character within. This is what makes for a long lasting happy relationship. Looks are important but as you know, looks will fade as we grow older. Will he still be in love with her as both age? If he didn't truly love her deeply enough, loving only skin deep, then a man is likely to go after a younger woman. My hubby has no interest in other women. He is interested in jewelry and fashion that he see's that he thinks might look good on me and he is usually right. As for a man getting excited by what they see, being visually oriented, you would think they could easily get hard, or erections from just seeing pretty younger or other women but his body and heart and mind no longer cooperate that way, not because he physically can't, he knows the pretty package is just that, a pretty package and it doesn't have my personality within it so he has absolutely no interest and no physiological reaction until I am paying attention to him, heck, or even him just listening to my voice as I prattle on. I know I gave you more info than you were asking for but you are at a point where you will soon be considered an adult and making your own choices. Even if college is in the picture and marriage somewhere in the future, all of this is important to know now before you get to those other important life changing decisions and I wish someone had shared this stuff with me when I was your age because I darn well know if I had heard it back then, I would never have married the ex. Or even if I heard it later, I would have left him a lot sooner.
Don't worry about ruining your friendship...it can only grow into something more or stay the same. If all great partnerships or marriages started as being best friends, which you already are, you simply need to ask him if he feels there is enough chemistry between you both for the romantic part of the relationship, and if he says yes, then go for it, and date. If he says he is not sure, then you both agree to date and see if anything develops. Here is another wrong assumption. People think that the only way to love is if it is a hot fiery blast that hits you instantly in the beginning of meeting a person and thats how you know you're in love. Some love grows slowly as you continue to learn more things about each other that you find you admire and love, so a warm ember, or a burning coal can slowly grow to be as hot a love as others felt at first sight or meeting. I would guess that relationship that start out as best friends are the most likely to encounter love like this. So give it time. Love will either develope or not.

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I hope you don't mind me asking you personally for help like this, but I chose you because I've read some of your advice and I really think you're the best person to help me with my problem. If you can, I'd appreciate more than you know.

My grandfather died yesterday (Saturday, December 1st) and I don't seem to be dealing with it like I thought I would. My maternal grandparents were not typical grandparents by any means. They lived in my hometown and I got to see them everyday. They were like another set of parents to me, but at the same time, they still spoiled me and my sister rotten like regular grandparents. We never left their place empty handed. They always had some kind of candy, ice cream, or baked goods for us (my grandma was the best baker ever). And when they didn't have anything like that, they'd just give us money. I knew I could always count on them for anything. They did a lot for me and my family and would never let us pay them back for any of it.

You have no idea how many memories I have at my grandparents house. I loved going over there so much for meals, sleepovers (as a kid), holiday get togethers, or just to hang out. And nobody was ever happier to see me than my grandparents were. Aside from the house I grew up in, it's my favorite place in the world.

As great as they were, I always took my grandparents for granted. I knew there'd be a day when they weren't around anymore, but I didn't think that day would come for years after it did. My grandmother was diagnosed with leukemia in April 2008. From May 2006 when I graduated high school and on, my grandma would call me every so often and tell me to come see her when I could. I went to a university in my hometown, so I was still in town, but always busy with class, studying, friends, and from sophomore year on, a rather serious boyfriend. I wasn't so busy that I couldn't make time for my grandparents, but it just kept slipping my mind every time I had some free time. After my grandma's cancer diagnosis, I did start spending more time with her, but after she went into remission, I started taking my time with her for granted again and still didn't see her as much as I should have. I assumed that because she was in remission, it meant she was gonna be okay and I didn't have to worry about losing her soon. I was wrong.

In October 2008, six months after her diagnosis, my grandma died from complications of the leukemia and chemotherapy. Both leukemia and chemo can wreak havoc on your immune system and elderly people's immune systems don't recover from that like a younger person's would. In her last week of life, she fell ill with something that we don't even know what it was. I developed a cold around the time she died so it might've just been a simple cold or some other bug that almost anyone else would've bounced right back from, but because she had practically no immune system, she died from it. I cried and cried and cried when my grandmother died. I cried when I first learned she had died, I cried at her memorial service, I cried the first Christmas Eve and Christmas Day after she'd passed, and I cried every time something reminded me of her and of the fact that she was never coming back. Yet so far, I haven't cried for my grandfather. That's one of the reasons I'm here.

Losing my grandmother was horrible and I'll never stop wishing she was still with us, but it led to me having a much closer relationship with my granddad. He and I were already close, but he wasn't much of a talker, so my grandma and I tended to pay more attention to each other than to him when we were together. After she passed away though, my granddad needed a lot of help and my mom and I started taking care of him. He couldn't cook, so my mom would cook him dinner every night and she and I would go over to his place to eat it with him. We did that EVERY night. We would go to IHOP with him every Sunday and have breakfast for lunch like he used to with my grandma (we all loved eating breakfast food late in the day). We'd take him to doctors appointments or anywhere else he needed to go that he couldn't go alone for some reason. In the past year, he stopped driving, but still really wanted to get out of the house, so everyday, my mom and/or I would go pick him up and take him for some ice cream. When it started getting cold here back in October, he started asking to go for hot chocolate and a cinnamon roll at my favorite coffee shop. Because of all of this, I became a lot closer to my granddad than I'd ever been before. We had ten years of nightly dinners, weekly trips to IHOP, occasional doctors visits or other outings together, and over the past year, daily trips to the ice cream parlor or coffee shop.

You'd think after what happened to my grandma, I'd have learned better than to take my time with loved ones, especially ones who are elderly, for granted, but I didn't. I still assumed my granddad would be around for a while longer anyway. Why I would think such a thing is beyond me. He was 86, had congestive heart failure, emphysema, kidney disease, a number of other health problems and had smoked for around 60-65 years. About a year ago, he mentioned to his doctor that he loved ice cream and his doctor told him that he could have as much ice cream as he wanted. That should've been a red flag to me. No doctor tells someone something like that unless they know there's a reason the ice cream won't cause any problems. The doctor knew my granddad wouldn't be around long enough for the ice cream to cause problems, so he figured he might as well have as much as would make him happy.

On November 13, my mom and I went to my granddad's house for dinner as usual and he wasn't feeling well. He was on oxygen for nearly the last four years and he said that he felt his oxygen machine wasn't working well enough. My mom examined it and concluded that it was working perfectly fine. The machine wasn't the problem, something else was going on. He had this little electronic thing that went on his finger and would tell him his blood oxygen level. My mom got it out and it said my granddad's blood oxygen was way too low. My mom tried to make him go to the ER, but he was kind of stubborn and refused to go. He said he go the next morning if he didn't feel better. My mom was extremely worried about him that night and had me pray with her that we'd have him for a while longer. The next day, he called an ambulance for himself and was put in the hospital with double pneumonia.

I don't know if I'm stupid or just overly optimistic, but just like with my grandma's cancer, I didn't worry too much about my granddad's pneumonia. He'd survived all kinds of things in the past that no one thought he would and pneumonia didn't sound like anything that horribly serious, so although I was somewhat worried, I was confident that he'd be okay. I think a lot of it was wishful thinking. I didn't want him to die, especially during this time of year, so I told myself that he probably wouldn't.

We knew by the weekend after he went into the hospital that he'd be there over Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving was very different this year than it typically is. My sister and nephew came to town to spend it with us and the day they got here, which was Tuesday, my dad broke it to us that my granddad's doctor had said that he wasn't gonna live much longer at all. My sister and I kept getting mixed reports from our parents for about a week. Our dad said that Tuesday, but then the next day, my mom gets on the phone with her friend and says that things are looking up, his doctor was optimistic that things were gonna be alright, and that she wasn't too worried anymore. Thanksgiving day, I get up and my sister let's me know that my granddad's doctors were just gonna focus on "keeping him comfortable." That's another way of saying that this was the end and my granddad didn't have much time left. My dad, sister, and nephew then went to have Thanksgiving with my dad's side of the family while I stayed behind to take care of my mom and granddad. My mom stayed in bed for much of the day except when she and I went to the hospital. She was extremely depressed that day, but the next day, she was back to her old self again. She kept going into denial and telling herself that things could still be okay.

It wasn't until Thursday night (a week after Thanksgiving to be clear) that I felt my mom had finally acknowledged that my granddad didn't have much time left. Every night from Tuesday to Friday, my mom stayed overnight at the hospital with him. I'd go up there in the evenings, bring my mom some dinner, and spend time with them. The last time my granddad was awake and alert while I was there was the day after Thanksgiving. For a full week after that, he was so heavily medicated that he was always asleep.

Friday night, while leaving the hospital, I looked at my granddad as I was pulling the door to his room closed, knowing that it might be the last time I saw him, but not really thinking it would be. I left him and my mom to go home to my parents' place (yes, I still live with my parents. Please don't judge me. I've had some bad luck lately). I'm a total night owl, so at around 3:00 AM Saturday morning, I was up watching Netflix in the living room when I heard someone trying to open the front door. It scared me to death until I realized it was my mom. She walked in and when I asked her what she was doing there, she got a heartbroken look on her face and said in a heartbroken voice, "We lost him." I gave her a hug and told her I was so sorry, which I was, but other than concern for my mom, I didn't feel much at that time. When I learned that my grandma had died, I felt like I'd been hit by a bus, but learning of my granddad's death was not nearly so harsh and I don't know why.

My mom then went to wake up my dad and tell him the bad news. They both came in the living room and none of us seemed to be taking the news like I'd have thought we would. An episode of "The Office" was still playing on Netflix and we all laughed at it. My mom made herself a snack, my dad went back to bed after a few minutes, I had some candy and soda and watched more of "The Office" before going to bed. We all seemed to be okay. We weren't great. We were sadder than I'm making us sound, but we weren't just crushed. I know the news of my granddad's death hadn't set in yet, but still, that was NOT how I thought it'd be on the night of his death.

Saturday (yesterday) was a decent day at my house all things considered. I slept late that day, had lunch, watched my favorite Christmas movie, "Elf," and went to Walmart with my mom. I had Chili's for dinner and cookies for dessert. I was too sad to eat much the day my grandma died, so pigging out like I did yesterday was not something I'd have thought I'd do. Things were going a lot better than I'd thought they would. Today (Sunday) was pretty much the same for the most part. However, my mom and I went grocery shopping tonight and both finally started to exhibit some real sadness.

Every Sunday, my mom and I go grocery shopping, go to Subway to pick up dinner for ourselves and my granddad, then take it over to his house. On our way to the store, my mom noted something I myself have been thinking, which was that it's going to be awfully strange not going to my granddad's house every night for dinner anymore. She said in a very depressed voice that she wished we could've had him longer and I didn't know what to say except, "I know," but I still didn't feel much. At the store, my mom and I separated and I went to get myself some laughing cow cheese. While doing so, I spotted some cheddar cheese in the shape of a half circle with red wax around the edges. I got upset started tearing up because my granddad loved that cheese. He asked us to pick it up for him all the time, but we weren't able to find it for him much in the last months of his life. Later, I went to get myself some ice cream, which I love, but I'll never be able to eat again without thinking of my granddad as he loved it more than anyone.

As I've been writing this, the fact that my granddad is gone has started to set in more and I've started feeling a lot more sadness. I'm starting to realize how many little things are gonna remind me of my granddad. For example, while my nephew was here for Thanksgiving, my parents and I took him to see the new Grinch movie. Ever since then, Benedict Cumberbatch has been on my mind, which makes me think of the first movie of his that I saw after becoming one of his fans, *August Osage County.” In January 2014, my granddad fell and hit his head so hard that blood built up inside of his skull around his brain. A week later, when the blood hadn't drained on it's own, he had to go into the hospital and had surgery several days later to drain it. On the night he went to the ER, he was airlifted from the hospital in our hometown to one about an hour away. That happened on a Saturday night and my mom and I packed some bags, went to the city my granddad had been airlifted to, and got a hotel room there for the weekend. On Sunday afternoon, while my granddad was napping, my mom and I got some lunch and then went to see “August Osage County.” so thinking about that movie, or “The Grinch,” or Benedict Cumberbatch will probably always make me think of my granddad. Also, last night I watched some movie with Michael McKean in it. That made me think of being in the hospital visiting my granddad last Thursday night and learning from my mom about McKean's character on Laverne & Shirley, a show I sometimes watched as a kid at my grandparents house. Seeing that movie last night was another reminder of, not just my granddad, but my grandma as well. I'm to a point now where I can remember my grandma without feeling sadness, or at least I was. But now for some reason, I'm feeling very sad that I don't have either of my maternal grandparents anymore. They're both gone and out of my life permanently. They won't be at my wedding, they'll never meet my children, they'll miss out on a lot of big events in my life. Also, the new Mary Poppins movie coming out brings back memories of watching Mary Poppins at my grandparents house. There are reminders of my granddad EVERYWHERE.

My mom's right, it's going to be awfully strange not going to my granddad's house every night anymore. That'll take a lot of getting used to, but it's just the beginning. We'll never take another Sunday trip to IHOP with him, we'll never spend another Thanksgiving or Christmas with him, we'll never spend another birthday with him (his or ours), my mom will never have a father to celebrate father's day with again. When we lost my grandma, there were some things my family had to take care of, but a lot we could put of as well. Now that my granddad's gone too, were gonna have to deal with EVERYTHING. Were gonna have to clean out their house and do something with all of their stuff. We're gonna have to do something their ashes as my granddad's had my grandma's up until now, but now someone else is gonna have to take his as well as hers or we're gonna have to spread them somewhere. We'll have to sell their house, which will be very hard, especially since it's a duplex and my granddad literally just got a new renter. There's a lot we'll have to take care of now. You'd think that all of this would make me sadder than I am now, but it doesn't.

I keep having all of these selfish thoughts that make me feel like a horrible person just for being able to think about them, but I have them anyway. For example, I worry about Christmas. My sister is supposed to spend this Christmas with her in laws, so it'll be just me and my parents. I worry that my mom won't be up to celebrating much and whether she is or not, Christmas will be extremely hard without my granddad, especially since he just died. Christmas is my favorite time of year. I love the religious aspect (Jesus's birthday), I love the festivities, the decorations, my family's and my traditions, the food, Christmas movies, everything. But I'm having a hard time getting pumped for Christmas now like I usually do. When my nephew was in town for Thanksgiving, my parents and I took him to see the new Grinch movie. I feel about like the Grinch in the way that I'm not that nuts about the thought of Christmas right now and seeing Christmas stuff everywhere saddens me. I am still a little excited, but only because I'm making myself try to be so, not because it's happening naturally as it usually does. I used to start looking forward to Christmas in August and would start decorating in November. But last night, I go Sonic to get myself some dinner and as I'm pulling into one of the spots, I heard a Christmas carol playing. It was one of my favorites, “Hark the Herald Angels Sing.” Typically, this would have delighted me, but last night, I actually almost rolled my eyes at the song because I'm turning into such a scrooge about Christmas. It's not that I don't like Christmas anymore, I'm just really worried about it. I really, really wish we did not have to lose my granddad during this time of year.

I worry about Thanksgiving since it was the day it was confirmed that my granddad wouldn't live much longer. My sister doesn't even want to celebrate it next year and I didn't get to celebrate it this year. I ate a peanut butter sandwich for lunch and chicken strips for dinner. I spent the day cleaning house so my mom wouldn't have to and visiting my terminally ill grandfather in the hospital.

Mainly, I worry what will happen to my family now that my granddad is gone. I used to be really close with my uncles, one of my aunts, and all of my cousins on my mom's side of the family. However, lately my granddad's been the glue that's held us all together. My Uncle Mark is married to a horrible woman who hates my family and keeps Uncle Mark from us. Once in a blue moon though, she'd let him come see my granddad or he'd sneak away and go see him behind her back. But that wouldn't happen often and I really don't think it'll happen at all anymore now that my granddad's gone. I don't think Uncle Mark's wife would let him come see the rest of us and I don't think he'd go behind her back and sneak away just to see the rest of us either.

As for my other uncle, Jim, he's also married to a horrible woman, my Aunt Laura. Aunt Laura actually used to be wonderful, but she's always been very competitive and lately, she's been losing her own competitions, which has made her very bitter. She wants her two kids, Alex and Alyssa to be better than me and my sister in every way and they're not. When my sister or I outshine either of my cousins in any way, Aunt Laura gets mad and feels the need to tear us down and still try to make her kids seem better, which makes us and our mom very angry. She's also resentful because my mom became a grandmother before she did and she didn't want that to happen. In my granddad's last few years, my parents and I would take trips to go see my sister and nephew and would ask my Uncle Jim to come take care of my granddad while we were gone. Uncle Jim INSISTED that we do this and that he didn't mind. If we ever accidentally ruined some of Aunt Laura's plans by doing this, even if she could reschedule or if her plans weren't that important in the first place, she'd send my mom some bitch text message and insult her, call her terrible names, and hurt her feelings very badly. This would make me, my dad, and sister very angry and has ruined our relationship with Aunt Laura. There have been a few other things that have led us to have a bad relationship with Aunt Laura, but they'd all take too long to get into. The point is that I'm worried about what's gonna happen to me family now that our glue is gone, so to speak. Uncle Jim won't come around as much, Uncle Mark might not come around at all, and once my granddad's memorial service is over, I don't know when will be the next time I'll see Alex and Alyssa. Uncle Mark's daughters, Anna and Lauren are different. They're more family oriented and we have a much closer relationship with them, but I really don't know about everyone else.

I keep thinking about what my granddad's like now. One of the reasons I chose you to answer this question is because you're a Christian like me, so you can understand this. My granddad was not in good health in his last couple decades of life, ESPECIALLY after my grandma died. He had congestive heart failure, COPD, kidney disease, neuropathy, severe hearing loss, macular degeneration, stomach and intestinal problems, brittle bones, mobility issues, and mild dementia. He suffered some kind of damage to his inner ear as a kid which caused progressive hearing loss throughout his life and was practically deaf by the time he died. It also caused him to have balance issues. I remember when he could walk as well as anyone else without any help, but by the time my grandma died, he needed a cane, then two canes, then a walker, then got to where he couldn't walk more than maybe 30 feet even with a walker. Someone had to push him in a wheelchair. He's been on oxygen therapy for the past four years and has had the burden of being attached to an oxygen machine at all times. He had a portable oxygen machine, allowing him to leave the house, but he was always worried about the battery dying. Like all elderly people, he also suffered from loss of muscle mass, which he hated. He'd get frustrated not being able to pick things up or open things anymore that used to be no problem for him because he was too weak. He couldn't even open his own Dr. Pepper bottles anymore in his last ten or so years because he was so weak. He's not like that anymore. He's in Heaven now with a perfect body and will never suffer health problems again. All of his many health issues are gone. He can hear, he can see, he can walk, he can breathe, he's not dependant on a walker or tethered to an oxygen machine anymore, he'll never be sick again, he'll never be precluded from doing something again due to lack of good health or strength, he'll never have any of the problems he had here on Earth ever again. But as hard as I'm trying to rejoice about that, it doesn't help with the pain of his death.

It's eerie now thinking about all of my grandfather's lasts that we didn't know would be a last for him. It's eerie thinking about how clueless I was that his last birthday or his last Christmas or his last this or that would be his last. I was clueless the night of November 13th that that night was the last time my mom and I would have dinner with him at his place. I was clueless back in August when he and I had our last weekend together just the two of us while my parents went to visit my sister and nephew. Last summer my sister was here and made a comment about how every time she comes home, she's afraid it'll be the last time she'll see my granddad. At the time, I thought she'd have plenty more visits with him. Little did I know that during that trip, my sister would visit my granddad at his house for the last time. She saw him in the hospital over Thanksgiving, but she'd never be with him at his house ever again.

None of his lasts were that great. Christmas was good, but not that special, his birthday was nice, but not the best he'd ever had, and he spent his last Thanksgiving in the hospital. I feel bad because all of my grandma's lasts were spectacular, even though we didn't know at the time that they would be a last for her. If any particular special day over this past year wasn't special enough, we just had the, “We'll make it better next year” attitude about it, but for my granddad, next year wouldn't come.

The last thing that I want to mention is the fact that I have regrets. I regret not being a better granddaughter, I regret not telling my granddad how I felt about him before he died, and I regret not thanking him for being such a wonderful granddad. I regret not doing these things for my grandma as well. That's going to be hard to live with.

I'm really sorry for how long this has turned out to be. I've been writing on and off for a full day now as I guess I had more to get off of my chest than I thought, but I'd really appreciate any advice you might have for me. Thanks in advance for any help and God Bless.

Oh Honey, thank you so much for taking the time to share and vent in this letter. It was long but about half way through, I already realized that this writing was in a way some kind of help or healing for you, to get it off your chest. I am much older, 60, but did not grow up with grandparents (they lived in another country) so my experiences are with losing my parents when I was 37 for my Moms passing, and I was 43 when Dad passed. With Mom, it was cancer and she was given 6 months to live but lived for many more years. She fought it hard and had a will to live rather than give up. So even though she had cancer and was going to die from it, we could do some minor grieving along the way. With her diagnosis, we knew it was coming, like you knew with your Grandma's leukemia. This will affect the grieving process. I was already thinking that any time could be the turn for the worse and her death, so although I did not live life with her as one big thought of 'This could be her last ... whatever", we did enjoy life to the fullest together along with my siblings and Dad who was divorced from Mom but still a friend. Towards the end with last chemo treatment, she was sitting awake but staring ahead as if asleep. A good amount of brain cells were killed so she couldn't talk well and in this case wasn't talking at all. I remember stroking her forehead and seeing her flinch at the touch. Apparently she wasn't able to see, just hear. My sister told her of another sister who just found out she was pregnant so Mom was going to be a grandma again. We told her. NO response from her, not until a few days to a week later when she was able to be alert, see and talk again. And this is when she mentioned how excited she was about the other sister having another baby.That happened in July. And then one Sunday last one in August, I took the kids and our dog to the beach after church, it was very hot still. Then straight from the beach we went to my younger sister who had a bedroom in her apt set up as a hospital room and got visiting hospice nurses all the time. It was just family when we arrived. It was supposed to be just a visit but I think God or my angels were telling me I had to talk to her about passing over. That made me know it would be soon. She hadn't gone to church the last 30 years but was a believer as far as I knew. I reminded her about the special mansion Jesus says he has for each one of us. I told her how it hurts to see her suffer while she keeps hanging in there. I knew that my youngest sister with a personality type of touchy-feely, would never be ready to let Mom go and I knew Mom was doing all she could to hang around because she was worried for my youngest sister who was not married. I told Mom that it was okay to go, that sis would be okay, that she already knew how my sister takes everything hard or very emotionally but eventually comes to even ground again. My sis sat up till the wee hours with Mom every night at that time, worried Mom might need something. I got a call from sis, the Wed. after I talked to Mom on Sunday. She had passed sometime in the wee hours of the morning, just after my sister said she had to get some sleep. I believe Mom held in there and did not die until she knew my sister wasn't around to see it happen. I also believe she had peace and agreed that she was done with fighting it and truly had no real life anymore, always on pain meds, couldn't eat, just those energy shakes for older people, most of time was spent in hospital bed. She no longer had any quality of life anymore. My Dad died of a stroke. He'd had heart surgery many years before and recovered well and his Dr. had no concerns. So the first stroke put him in hospital and then a rehab place to help him learn to eat and move hand and talk a bit more. He was doing okay but had a series of mini strokes. His time was strokes wasn't as long as Mom's living with cancer and the harsh treatments.
So I and sisters put together Memorials for Mom and later for Dad. Both were very different. At Moms, I cried all the time and was exhausted after days of the raw emotions draining all my energy. This I relate to how you felt with Grandma's passing. With Dad, I think my sisters and I already had the shock to our bodies of dealing with one death in the past so this one wasn't as significant in how we felt. Yes, we were sad and get this, from my teens on, I was closer to Dad than Mom. And yet, I did not cry as much. Grieving is different for every person. And for a person, each death they go through, they may handle differently, and there is nothing wrong with that. What you did, getting all your story off your chest talking to me, reminds me of what I was doing at my Dad memorial. It was held at the church I attended as I knew more of the people attending would be from there than where Dad attended church. People kept coming to me to say how sorry they were. I said thanks and then launched into sharing thoughts about Dad, stories, on and on, I did more talking at that one event than I normally do in any day and I am very talkative normally. I realized I was doing it and something told me it was good, that I needed to do so, quite like you. The only thing I can't say I went through is feeling like taking the loved one for granted while they were still alive.

Although, we knew cancer doesn't end well, especially if its the pancreas and liver, or that Dad was continueing to have strokes, we did not spend our time with each parent thinking about how it might be the last time or having regrets for what we did not do as great as we could have. We chose to spend our time simply enjoying quality time with them. It's been a long time now for me since losing my parents and I have lived longer so far than my Mom did. But that doesn't mean I don't think of her. She was the second hand store shopping Queen and could find the best of anything in there easier than any of us. So when I go, I'll talk to Mom's spirit and say, Mom you were always so good at shopping these stores. Right now I need to find something for my granddaughter, could you help me find ...." and so it goes. I have not really heard back from Mom or Dad while talking to them. I am talking of those thoughts in your mind that sounds like your voice but you know you didn't think it. In church, there was plenty of training on how to trust Holy Spirit to help you begin to actually hear God talking to you. I think having this ability had helped a lot. I have heard God talk to me plenty of times, my angels too. An example would be when a new Christian song came on the christian radio station, I was getting on the freeway one morning and heard it. I tend to talk to myself so aloud I said, "That song doesn't do anything for me." Immediately in my head I heard, "It doesn't do anything for me either dear." I knew that to be God and I found it so funny that I laughed all the way to work. So I know God has a sense of humor. He doesn't speak in King James and understands todays slang and vernacular and can be funny at times. So I think my relationship withGod, and my belief is what helps me with losing people I wish I could have had with me longer. But then I think that our mortal lifetime is a short and our time in Heaven will be eternity, so there is no comparison. What ever time I did not have with them on earth, I will get that and more in Heaven. I have read enough stories of Christians who died but came back in the hospital. While their heart was stopped for a minute, it felt to them like they spend hours on the other side with Jesus, dead relatives who said it wasn't their time yet. My own sister is diabetic and almost died from blood sugar too high. In fact, while in the hospital, a man stood in the doorway to her room. Looked solid to her, dressed in a suit but he said he was our grandfather, my Dads dad whom we never got to meet as children as he was already dead.
Our loved ones keep tabs on us all the time. Sometimes I think Mom has been around stroking my hair because it feels like something touching my head and after a couple of times of brushing with my hand in case a fly or something is landing on me, I get a mental picture of Mom, just stroking my hair, not saying a word. That story churches spread about loved ones not being able to keep in touch with living relatives is a bunch of misunderstood and twisted tales. There are way more people I have talked to who died and came back plus the books I've read of people for whom it happened, to know that yes, while there may be evil in the world, we as Gods children are protected and can ask for his protection, and call on our Guardian angels anytime if we are not sure that something that we think we hear or feel is truly them or something else. The bible says we can test the spirits. Basically, I don't live in fear of anything negative, only calling for protection if a thought comes into my mind, call for protection now. We actually have to ask for it even if God or angels know its coming, that is if we are at a level where we can hear spirit.
I think that if you start talking to both Grandma or grandpa as thoughs come to you, that would be of help. For example: "Hey Grand dad, I don't know if you were watching but one of the times I went shopping right after you passed, guess what I saw at the store, something they hadn't stocked in months, your favorite cheese. Isn't that strange. It made me think of you." Or the next time you have an ice cream cone of bowl of icecream, make a toast to grand dad as some people do with drinks. Holding a spoon of it or the cone up, quickly under your breath or in your mind say, "Here's to you Grandad. Every time I have icecream I will think on you with fond memories." Make the thought brief though, if you keep on letting your thoughts wander, it could wander down a path of feeling sad or sorry for yourself.

Don't worry about Christmas, it is not going to be the same. But if they had any special traditions, like a certain cookie grandma made best, find it or make it and enjoy during the holidays. I bought photo ornaments for each parent. My Mom being from Germany, when I saw a flat Gingerbread house frame, that reminded me of gingerbread and germany and of course, Mom. So I put her photo in there and hang it on our Christmas tree every year. When Dad passed, we couldn't find as wonderful an ornament frame but got the best there was and his photo ornament was added to the tree. I might add I started a tradition when the kids were born, that each year, we'd add one ornament to the tree signifying something special to us as a family and each child had a shoebox with their own growing collection of ornaments. So it wasn't odd at all to have these photo ornaments added to the hodge podge already on our tree. Time doesn't pass the same on earth as it does on the other side. We know that from people saying so after told they died but were resusitated. What seemed like more than a minute to them, relatives on the other side felt the same, as if they died just the day before and here was their child dying the very next day, only it wasn't a day or so later, it was decades later. So it is really a separation where you are feeling the lack of them and time dragging on while to your grandparents, it won't feel like that. My sister asked Mom to give her signs that she was okay, asking this of her before she passed. I went with her grocery shopping one day. We were in the snack aisle and I was following a bit behind, trying to catch up when I screeched to a halt as a bag of chips comes flying off the top shelf to land in the middle of the aisle. I guess the timing was off as it was supposed to fall in front of my sister. I never asked for signs, I just talk to them to feel close. My sister however wanted signs which she feels this was one of them and I would have to agree, even if a bag wasn't sitting secure, it would simply have fallen down and landed next to the bottom shelf not half way across the aisle. You will do whatever works the best or feels most natural and comfortable to you. Maybe you will do nothing. When those who have passed come to visit you, you don't know they are there, but they especially like to come around special events, birthdays, holidays. Some people are lucky and though they can't see the dead loved ones, they pick up a whiff of what reminds them of a perfume or cologne to person wore when no one else is wearing it. Or a man who smoked cigars when alive, leaves a whiff of the scent of his cigar perhaps. This isn't a common occurance but it is still a possibility. So maybe just believe that Grandpa is there watching all of you, wishing he could say something to you. All of you talking to each other, but none to him, only talking about him. Thats not the same thing for him. I'll bet it feels like really weird, being somewhere when no one is talking to you as if you are not there. Since this will be the first Christmas without him in his mortal body, it doesn't mean he isn't there. I'll bet you he is, especially for a couple of Christmas's at least or more if you ask him to be there. You could pick a cool Christmas flavored icecream and before anyone eats theirs, say you'd like to say a remembrance to grandpa because icecream was his favorite. That way the family know what you are doing. Then talk to him as if he was there, even the silly stuff like, ;Too bad you' are only in spirit now and can't eat this icecream. We're having it in remembrance of you as being your favorite dessert. By that way, doesn't it look delicious, it's a candy cane, chocolate chunk type. I hope you've had it before cus if not, you just have to miss out. " It can be funny like that or serious. Whatever you feel like or feel the need to do. If anything else comes up that you'd like to share over the coming weeks, please do. I am not afraid of long letters as you can see, I do the same most the time.

I may have forgotten parts, oh wait, yes, the uncles not allowed to visit your family. Hmm, well if they don't have Facebook, it would be good if they could secretly find a coworker or friend who knows how and could help them get set up and then they could keep in touch via the internet. I understand that with the women being as they are, there isn't much chance of them allowing the husbands to come visit, especially if having to lie just to see their own Dad. I don't understand why they choose to stay married to them, but it is what it is. If there is a way to at least be in touch on the internet, that is better than nothing.

In the future, Christmas will change greatly again as you marry and have children and start your own traditions for the Children. My Kids now have kids so Christmas is exciting once again as I get to view it through the experiences of grand children. Sometimes I wish I could time travel back to enjoy a CHristmas when my own kids were little, since they are now adults. One daughter has kept the ornament tradition and still has the ornament I got her first Christmas when 7 months old and then next she picked out herself at age 19 months. Helping her trim her tree brings back plenty of good memories. I have no sad memories of Mom or Dad not being there anymore. Only the first couple times were hard and awkward. But if you complete all the steps to normal healthy grieving, then it will get easier and the thoughts of grandparents on their Birthdays, CHristmas or any day, become less sad and more filled with happy memories that may even make you laugh. So in parting I will share things my parents used to say that came out weird with their German accents and still thinking of sentence structure the German way but speaking English. When calling us to dinner, Dad said, "Sit on da Table and eat your foot!" an der is is on and foot was food twisted by his accent. The word 'wreck' is something Mom could never get right. Her famous saying was "I feel like a nervous Rag." Hmm, didn't know rags could have emotions...haha. Everytime I think of certain memories like this, all I do is laugh again. I don't feel sad that I don't hear this anymorje, I in fact didn't live with them after I married so there was a lot less time around them to hear the funny things they said
God bless!

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So I think this started a couple of months ago but my grades have dropped significantly. I used to get all A stars but now I've had to deal with As, Bs and even Cs. My mother got really disappointed in me and even I did. I'm supposed to be the smart one in our household. I've always been
But now I just dont know what's wrong. I study I really do but I just dont seem to do well in exams.
People tell me that I've lost interest, that I need to work harder and that maybe the problem is with my teacher but no none of these were correct.my parents got really disappointed and that's the worse feeling ever. I dont want to make them mad. I want to get good grades not only for them but also for myself. My first semester is about to end and finals are literally just 1 week away but I'm 110% sure that am gonna get bs or As. For some people that's really good but not for me nor my parents.
I desperately want my good grades back. I really i I dont need bullshit advice like" try to work harder, maybe the problem is with your study technique, maybe it's with friends". Thank you.

If you had no problem before, then losing interest does seem to make the most sense. There are two main reasons for this. The first doesn't seem to apply to you as it;s the student for whom all subjects are hard and they'd do better a grade level behind. These people eventually lose interest.

The other is those whose IQ is much higher than the school level they are at. Because it is too easy for them and they are too bored doing what is too simple and there is no challenge, they start to stop applying themselves to the work after a while.

The solution could involve asking the school to put you in touch with a person who does testing to see at what grade level you are. I had one daughter who was struggling in elementary as she should have been a grade lower. The public school wouldn't hold her back so we took her to a private school who agreed to take her but to place her in the correct grade level, they put us in touch with someone who could test her. It was money out of our pocket to do so but they came back with the fact she should be a grade level behind and other than that she was fine.
So I am sure such a person can determine if you are at the correct grade level intelligence wise, too hard or too easy. Once you know that you are at the correct grade level, wether its where you are now or moved to, then you can know its just a matter of applying yourself now. It there is no change in grade level and you still can't seem to shake it, then you may want to go temporarily to counseling for this. Usually all problems we encounter in our personal lives are due to distorted or negative thoughts. You may not have this but there may be something that changed in your life that will have the same effect, it can distract you so your full attention is no longer on studies. It can be a variety of things, which by themselves would not be thought of as the culprit. So those are my best suggestions, grade level testing or if you're sure you're at the right grade, skip to going for counseling. The therapist may do well talking with your parents and their expectations. I can't say there is pressure from them or that you may be an over achiever but that is for a therapist to decide, as those issues can affect ones studies as well. It shouldn't take too long to discover what the base issue is from where your attention and interest slowly began to fade. I wish you the best in this discovery.

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Hello everyone,

I have been wanting to go to Bali for quite a while now. Naturally, I did my research and I am slightly confused.
As far as I can tell, there are two main diverging opinions.

Many see Bali as a tourist heaven worth of exploring. Others, however, have a different perspective. They claim that Bali has lost all of its charm saying that tourists are consigned to so-called tourist bubbles. Personally, I don`t mind some superficial fun but that`s not why I want to go to Bali. Which brings us to my question.
Does anyone have any good recommendations for Bali accommodation? I am looking for a blend of plain old fun with a sprinkle of adventure. The idea so far is to rent a villa overlooking the jungle or something like that. The problem is I have had little success in finding one. The best match so far would be this one: https://balivillaescapes.com.au/?villas=villa-kamaniiya-5-bedroom

Does anyone know any similar villas? The more remote and rural the better.

I don't know if you will find someone on here who feels the same as you and has been to Bali or a travel agent on this site who can give you advice. If this is the only place or one of few places you've asked, then I suggest you try as many places as you can. I know that with the internet, it is so easy to look up stuff oneself. However, since you have very particular ideas of what you are looking for, it might be best to start strolling into travel offices and just asking travel agents if they understand what you are looking for and if such places exist. If they say there is no such thing, then go with the one you found that you like best. Otherwise, you may receive great info and pointers from an agent.

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My best friend is super mad at me almost all the time! Today was my anniversary with my boyfriend. She and I normally hang out every Wednesday, but i want 2 spend my anniversary with my bf! But now shes mad and upset and offended! Help! What do I say or do?

Let me guess . . . she doesn't have a boyfriend. If she did, she might understand better how you feel and actually be supportive instead. If she does have a boyfriend and is acting like this, it may be a fear of losing you as her friend while not thinking that her having a boyfriend might make you feel similar. Whether still in HS or college age, young people who haven't reached at least their mid twenties if not later, will have difficulty reasoning things out better, making good decisions and not treating others in a bad manner. The issue is the pre frontal cortex of the brain is still growing and won't be at adult state until mid 20s or later. So if you fall into that age bracket, this not fully complete brain for reasoning with could be contributing to why she is acting like this. If she isn't normally selfish like this, then she's simply scared of losing you. Yes, things will eventually change some. YOu and shse will both at some point marry and have kids and that alone changes dynamics where your family gets your time first and she falls from top position on the totem pole to position number 2 or 3. Realistically, she can't remain at top position in level of importance to you unless you both are lesbians, in love and will marry each other someday. I know that isn't the case as you have a boyfriend. So talk to her and reassure her the best you can and bring up the fear of losing you. Change is also fearful to people so the change of you having someone else besides her who is important to you comes with getting older and moving on with your life. Remind her she will do something the same or similar later too. If she won;t answer your attempt at contact, write a letter and sent it via email or text but have a duplicate written out in case she nevers reads the others. Give her time to cool off and come to her senses. I had family members get upset with me over stupid stuff like this, not the same but things that they simply had distorted thoughts and thus distorted feelings on. It happened with my dad and sis at one point and another with my Mom. It lasted months to nearly a year in one case. I gave them their time. Some people sure can hold grudges but eventually, since I kept the bridge open mentally with no decision to turn my back and give up on the relationships, eventually they came around and began being themselves around me, except that not one of the the three family members ever apologized. People find it hard to apologize for something stupid they did where they finally realize it was petty stuff on their part. So if she doesn't respond and goes silent on you, keep trying occasionally to invite her to spend time with you. One of these times, she will get over her misplaced hurt emotions and open up to being your friend again but she may never bring up the subject. Be the bigger person and let that slide by. After all, the friendship in the end is more precious than hearing the two words, "I'm sorry".

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My brother and I are both juniors in high school, but have yet to go out on a single date. One weekend night we were home alone, watching a movie, and complaining about our situation to each other. I confessed that I've never even kissed a guy before. After I said that, we turned to each other, exchanged a look, and started kissing. Now (whenever our parents are out, obviously) we cuddle up next to each other on the sofa while watching TV and kiss and grope each other. We have not had sex because we're not sure we want to cross that line. Plus, I'm afraid of getting pregnant and having to explain to mom and dad who the father is. We both know intellectually how wrong this is, but we don't feel the wrongness of it. It feels good to finally have someone to hold. So what should we do? Must we stop this immediately, or may we let it continue and hope we grow out of it?

At your age, it is natural to want to explore the wonderful feelings of kissing, petting and sex. The big Taboo with doing so with close relatives is due to scientific concern for any children that come out of such unions. Genetically, when the DNA is too close to the same, which would be even more so for a sibling and I am just guessing that maybe a twin may be even a closer DNA match, there is concern for children being born with physical or mental problems, something just not working out right.

So based on that, here is a logical reason not to continue: What if, (since neither of us can predict the future) just what if you and he were to fall in love, that romantic love, not sibling love and neither can bear a life not married to the other? It would be a waste unless both of you do not ever want children and both had yourselves sterilized so you can't. That is a hard decision to make because I don't think they can reverse such procedures very well if at all. So at a young age, you marry. Then if it doesn't work out and you part, now you are single and sterile and a man who wants kids some day may not want to marry you because of that. If you say, I'll just get on birth control, then realize that not any birth control is 100% effective. Some are way up there, 95% or more.But if relying on just condoms, well, if the fit isn't perfect, it can slip off while having sex, soon after or liquid can leak up the sides and out to affect you. Or even pin holes in a condom can defeat its purpose. And then there are the mistakes that happen before the penis in vagina part of sex, fingering and getting his cum on his fingers accidentally and touching you will those fingers, can sometimes result in pregnancy. I don't know if either of you are considering college but for you, worst case scenerio, becoming pregnant could cancel out your chances to attend college on time. If you keep the baby, it's even worse. Now theres a chance it will never happen.

If all you want is someone to hold, you can cuddle up to anyone, fully clothed and that will take care of the human need to be touched by another human. It needn't be sexual touch either to fulfill this need that all humans have. However, if you are adding in romance of it all, the kissing and sexual touching, then all you are doing is programming your mind that this is okay and even if you stop, your subconscious mind will keep bringing up thoughts of your twin and sex to keep you miserable. Then it becomes a must to retrain your brain to stop thinking such thoughts of him. It can be done. I did it when divorced and met a separated man, we fell in love but the wife came back wanting to fix the marriage so he left me for her. So I know the subconscious mind can be retrained to stop producing thoughts which in turn produce the feelings.
I would suggest stopping because there are too many people who would simply shun the two of you, even if you never produced children. It is now considered a total taboo without any scientic reason why family members can't have a sexual relational other than the 'children' issue . There is the chance that even some family members would pretend they are no longer your family. It would be so painful for both of you to be shut out because of doing something which as you say doesn't feel wrong.

I would also like to mention that you both are at an age when we feel so grown up but the one thing that is way behind our bodies in maturing in the pre frontal lobe of the brain. It won't be fully done growing to its adult state until you reach your mid 20's. There fore, actions you take, and decisions you make now that sound okay to you, are often things you wouldn't even dream of trying with an adult brain reasoning things out. So for this one reason, a very important and scientific one, I believe that there is a chance in your futures that you may regret even having gone down this path with brother. I know you don't feel that way now. Here's where another issue could crop up, one of you, finds a romantic partner to date from school. Now one twin is jealous that their twin is no longer interested in them and does whatever they can to sabotage the new relationship. The two of you could unwittingly make bad blood between yourselves and part ways for a while or forever. I can't say, but these are all possible scenerios of things not working out good at all.
Now remember, this isn't something like a 'phase' you grow out of. This was an actual choosing on both your parts to engage in. It is not a phase that will suddenly not interest you anymore, nope...not when there is romantic love involved. Where there are deeper emotions like falling in love, there is no easy way to cancel that love out. So it is best to not engage in any actions that will only encourage such love to bloom. Females are more prone than males to fall in love when sex becomes involved, and in this I am now referring to everything that comes before actual sex, the kissing, cuddling and touching too. Guys are able to detach their romantic feelings. Sex for them is more of the classroom, student experience for curiousity sake and involves lust rather than love as the defining factor. So even if you don't mean to fall in love with him, wanting only to marry him, continueing doing what you do with him can greaten the chances of your falling in love with him. I hope this all makes sense to you.

By the way, none of my kids had sex while in HS. All 3 waiting until after graduating HS before finding someone to date and have sex with. It would not be unusual to not find someone for each of you to date until after HS.

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I'm 24 and so far I've had a difficult time staying at one job. In fact, the longest I've stayed at one job was a year (twice). I seem to make it around 4-9 months before something happens or I don't want to work there anymore.

For example, at my current job (at a bar) I make really good money, but constantly run into men sexually harassing me and touching me and after I was assaulted last week I no longer want to work there. I've been there for 9 months.

The job before that was in medical data entry and I also made good money there, but I hated my bosses who constantly yelled at everybody, insulted everybody, and would threaten to fire us constanty. I was there for 4 months.

Then before that I was laid off after a year when the company I worked for got bought out.

I was a nanny for a year before that, but then had to move for college.

I had a few retail jobs even before that, but they'd work out for around 4 months before I wound up hating it and leaving them.

How can I find and stay at a job for a long period of time. I'm worried about my resume currently because everything was fairly short term. I really just want to find somewhere I like enough to stay for a long time.

Help!

As for a resume, be honest and share the reasons why you left each job after a short amount of time if asked. YOu have nothing bad to hide. It is not your fault when you get a crappy boss, are assaulted on the job, or had to stop a job as you were moving away to college. You just haven't found a job that interests you yet or a real good boss yet. I still think of a boss who retired but the years before that, he was absolutely the best. He was kind and patient and always thanked each of us at the end of each day for coming in and doing a good job. In todays world, that is unheard of but there are still some good people out there. You might do better if you were working for yourself or without a group of people. My Dad used to man a security gate for a gated community. He only had to greet residents or vistors as they briefly stopped at the oooth. Thats one example. I used to work as a caregiver, licensed by a company that sent me out on jobs to help seniors, those disabled mentally or physically and this is with doing things in their home, cooking, cleaning, medicine reminders. As for cleaning, there are companies who train and send out Maids so you are cleaning a house without having to put up with co workers.
If I were you, I would try for other medical entry jobs. Not every position is going to have nasty bosses. Working at a bar, well getting touched and sexually harassed does come with the environment, men who get so drunk they forger their manners or they are trouble in the first place. IF you cant find an office job you iike, then look for something where you basically work on your own.

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I am a 42 year old male. I have been married for 16 years. Several months ago my wife and I hit a bit of a rough patch. I began a text relationship with a younger coworker. Nothing physical ever happened between us. Long story short my wife found out about the messages. She made me stop immediately. My wife and I have moved forward from this event and have grown closer. The problem is I still think about the other woman frequently and sometimes it is a distraction with work and family. How can move on from my feelings from this woman?

If you are simply thinking about the other woman and there isn't anything you got from texting her that you don't have with the wife, then it isn't too complicated to retrain your thinking.

Your subconscious mind, (SM) is like having another person inside of you, watching everything you do every day. It feels one of its job is to make you happy and so what you focus your thoughts on a lot, your SM will assume it is very important to you, no matter if its good stuff, bad scary stuff or forbidden stuff and it will do its best to keep bringing up thoughts of this woman to you. So this is a matter of retraining your subconscious mind. YOu have to be deligent and that means that every time a thought of her pops into your conscious mind, thanks to your SM, you need to tell your SM either out loud or inside yourself that you made a mistake. You don't want to think about this woman because your wife is more imporant to you. Of course this has to be true. If you have fallen out of love with your wife but are just best friends now, then your SM will know you are not being truthful with yourself and it will not cooperate with you and you will end up battling yourself until you do the right thing. The SM will pop thoughts of someone into your mind quite often, annoyingly often and you have to stop and tell it the same message over and over. It can be 10 times in 5 minutes, several times per hour but eventually after a few days of doing this, the SM will get the message and stop bringing thoughts of the other woman to the forefront.

You mentioned a rough patch. I don't know what that constituted but I know darn well that when a person wants something from their marriage and is no longer getting it or not as much as before, instead of working on fixing that, they go looking elsewhere for what they are missing. So you need to be honest with yourself and figure out what exactly drove you to pay attention to another woman. Since I don't know the real reason, I will toss out some examples in case you aren't following what I am saying.

A man might turn to another woman if:

He is not feeling appreciated, taken for granted and simply wants the attention of another

He or the wife were too busy to have time to talk like they used to so he chats with another women

Wife doesn't seem as romantically invested as she used to, so even if he won't have sex, he still turns to another simply for the imaginations of what it would be like

Sex is too predictable, the same old same old and nothing much about it is memorable anymore so he will turn to another either for the visual and mental stimulation and'or sex.

There are probably lots of other reasons. Simply stopping the texting doesn't fix what caused the rough patch you refer to. So unless there is something you haven't shared such as both you and wife having a heart to heart talk, getting all your concerns out there and both promising to change some things and are actually carrying through on them to improve your relationship, I can not believe that all is fine. If the two of you haven't talked and tried working on the causes of your rough patch, then I suggest seeing a couples therapist for counseling.



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Hi! My husband is a hoarder. The garage, shed, second outbuilding, attic, basement is full.He is piling things up outside and We got notices from the city about the "garbage" and he cleaned up a bitbut no all. We had a final notice today, we have 14 days to clean it or we go to court. I have done everything I can to clean up over 15 years but he just keeps accumulating. I am terrified of court and jail time. He gets very angry at me when I clean up. (donate, or thow out). He will pull things back out of the trash. This is killing me. We arent speaking again this evening because of it. What do I do? Go to court and say I have no say? Thanks..

If it helps any, I agree with adviceman. In court you must explain how you try to clean up and husband pulls things back out of the trash becase he has a problem with hoardidng. Hoarding is a symptom of something not right emotionally or mentally and yes, a psychologist mist be seen to help him get better. I have watched a few hoarding shows and the hard thing is relatives trying to force a person to seek oounseling but you can't force an adult who doesn't want to go for counseling to go. You can't force him to seek help for his hoarding. But there is a recourse, as already mentioned, the courts can order him to get help and that person will take over the situation and get your husband to understand he can only save a few things that are really precious to him but they overwatch to make sure he keeps to that limit and usually there is a box of things for donating and the rest is usually junk thrown into a rented trash container. Also, a haz mat group of people are the ones coming in to clean if there is chance of some kind of contamination, mold, rats and mice with their feces mixed in with all the stuff he is hoarding. So since you can't force him because of where he is at mentally, you have to rely on the courts to force him to go for treatment and also have a professional help him through the clean up and getting rid of stuff stage. It won't work if you do it because you already known by the track record, that he won't listen to you. It may take a while til he really responds well to his Dr. SO don't worry about court, it is the beginning to a solution. If the Judge says nothing about ordering him to get seen by a mental health professional, then since you've already said the hoarding is entirely his issue, and if he cleaned up a little, that would not help for the future, and the court would have to call him in again due to junk sitting around outdoors. It also doesn't take long for a hoarder to collect more stuff. You say you would rather that your husband gets better and to do so needs to be seen by a mental health professional and you want to see if he can be ordered to go to one. I am sure that won't happen because if there are enough hoarders to make TV shows about them, there are tons more who don't make it on TV. And the courts have likely seen many come thru just like your husband who would repeat the same thing. They've seen it before and know that tossing such a person in jail does not help, especially if then know from you that he is a hoarder and won't let you help. So you don't have to worry about him going to jail. That is why it is smart for him to be ordered by the judge to see a professional therapist who is experienced with hoarders. I am not saying there is a mental illness but his thinking and something that triggered his hoarding in his past is messing with being able to think correctly instead its distorted. So distorted thinking happens in normal individuals, however when it is unchecked and allowed to take over like weeds, then it becomes a big problem and an issue that a profesional therapist needs to step in and fix.

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Am in a relationship with someone who am not so sure of what I feel for him, and he love me so much that he even trust me and he always put me in his life planned. I don't know maybe I don't love him because he didn't have all what that I want in man, though he has patience. His one of those guys that have passion but he didn't have that same passion for education and I really like someone who is more educated than me. Thanks.

I hope I am not misunderstanding you when you say there are things you know you want in a man and this guy just doesn't meet the criteria. We can get hung up on things that we label important but they truly aren't and if present in an individual, are simply like the icing on top of a cake. But it is the things we need, not want, the things we must have because if not present in the other person, then its a deal breaker, it is this stuff the makes the actual cake, the important part. I went through this later in life after a divorce and wanting to find a new husband. I will also mention that there are two parts to a solid foundation for a terrific relationship where both feel exactly the same way about each other, fully in love. Those two things are being each others best friend and being each others sexual equal.
Best friends enjoy each others company, get along and are really tuned into their best friend and understand them and know then well and enjoy time spent together. That should be in a relationship, especially one you want to go long term. As for sexual equals, I am not talking of more experience but both have very similar pheromones, that unseen sexual chemistry people feel when near the right person, then there is the matter of libido or sex drive. Some have a high one and some low. THis doesnt work. My ex had a low one and I a high one. The one with a low one resents being pestered for sex all the time, the one with a high one is feeling neglected and unloved and some people in this position will cheat to get sex elsewhere. So the trick is to make sure you have both in one person. I think people run off track simply because the person they are with is a nice person with many good qualities. There are plenty of people like that in the world. So out of dozens of men like this that might be great guys, how do you determine who is right for you? Well, one is how you feel, love and the sexual attraction. But I will now paste in a document that explains what I did in list making to decide what criteria I wanted in a guy. I posted this all in a dating profile and meet with only those who sounded promising to see if I felt that chemistry. You can do the same without an internet dating site if you so choose. Any guy you meet, including the one you already know, you compare against your list of criteria. The list takes days, weeks, and sometimes a couple months later, you discover something you don't like about a guy, and couldn't stand to put up with the rest of your life so you look for warning signs of that in a guy and if present, you break up and move on to keep searching.
How to find Mr. Right

I went through this search in my late forties after an almost 30 yr marriage to a man who was never in love with me, verbally abusive and not my sexual match. I was ready to finally find Mr Right and what I believe I heard while praying, is that I had to make several lists and refine them as I went along.

First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, or to really describe yourself in a convo in person, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. This is not just those met online but any you meet in person as you're out and about. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. At least, hopefully they will, if not, they may not recognize that you are the one for him and that is too bad for him. You want a guy who sees the real you inside too and will know he wants you, the whole package. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.

So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?

I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grandkids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.

Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenerios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.

Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be “I want a guy who wants to have kids” “I want a guy who isn't afraid to commit, settle down and marry” “I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief” “I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.” “I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user”.
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke, it was from his son who uses the car but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and felt it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn' t matter. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. Sticking with your needs, not lowering standards, helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....

Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study.

The other list is the what you want, like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the critieria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get them, you can live without it, for the rest of your life.

I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, at least on a 2nd date if a guy asks you out twice, (means he is reasonably interested in you) tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of 'boyfriend.' Obviously, you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.
Hope this helps you. This is a lot said and yet there is so much more detail to share. So ask me if you have questions.

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hi, I am in my early 20's. I am a med student and I surprisingly, should be the last type of person to ask for such an advice. But, I am asking anyway. I have never actually had vaginal sex before, and I am still a virgin. I recently started seeing this guy and last night, he fingered me..and I told him to wait and that we wouldn't have sex with out protection and he's cool with it. of course!the problem is that even though i have never had sex, i think i might have a simple yeast infection (because of my stressful life). i with held sex from him to protect him and obviously i won't have sex with him until i fully recover. but him fingering me kinda just happened. I know the chances of him getting it are slim to none, with out oral or vaginal sex,but I need assurance from any of your sources..thank you

A yeast infection is not an STD but some symptoms can seem like ones of an STD. So rather than write the details out to explain,I am posting a link to an article explaining Yeast vs STD's.
https://candidareport.net/yeast-infection-information/difference-yeast-infection-std/

I am a female and I have had vaginitis and yeast infections many times throughout my life and I am a fairly healthy person. The ecosystem of the vagina is a fragilely balanced one. It only takes an imbalance of your good vs bad bacteria in there to start one and then what infectious fluid leak out can infect the labia and sometimes the creases of where the leg joins the body and on the upper leg as well if wide spread. I have never had it that bad as I go immediately to a pharmacy and buy Miconazole. It treats the yeast and vaginitis. Since it is a common ailment and not an STS, you sholdn't be embarrassed to go buy some. Usually you wont need to see your Doctor, unless for some reason your body doesn't response to the over the counter medicine. There are other names, just read the packages as to what they are for or ask a pharmacist. Here's a link to a list of the common names of the treatment product.

https://www.webmd.com/women/guide/yeast-infection-treatments-over-the-counter-vaginal-creams

So work on getting rid of that. Now as for being a virgin, most my girls all didn't have sex until after high school sometime in their early 20s with their first serious boyfriend. They did not have sex because they were curious but without feelings for the guy, they didn't do it just to escape being a virgin. Some people view sex as a recreational thing, like riding a bike, going for a jog, its' just something everybody does. That is the worst reason. So think hard about how you feel. Do you want to stay a virgin until you are engaged or married? Do you feel ready? If there is any fear, it is the wrong thing, because if you were with the right male, even if it doesn;t end up a long term relationship, then the last thing on your mind will be worry about not being experienced and not knowing what to do. Since you are a medical student, your partner may assume you are more knowable and experienced on the subject of sex. Set him straight. He won't ask as that is too presumptious and some females might take that as an insult so you need to explain that you are a virgin, and whether you have fear and want to go slow or not at all, or have no fear and want to have sex but you need to clear up a bad yeast infection first. That way he won't think you are just a tease but don't plan to commit to that point. If all he wants is sex and is not as much into the friendship part, as long as that is okay with you, thats fine. Many young men think of women with lust, not love and it is lust that compells them to seek a sex partner in the form of a girlfriend, all while the gal thinks he honestly likes her as a person and is disappointed to find he merely used her for sex when she didn't ask but assumed it was because he had feelings for her. All of this you should consider. I was once in a group of adults, who'd had enough to drink so they loosened up and everyone shared what their first sexual experience was like. Not a one had a good experience. In most cases, it was just to have sex, not because there was a special connection to their partner and both loved each other. Sex as a recreation is what can make the first experience sour for many. However, when Sex is an outpouring of what both feel for each other, the best gift they can give each other, not to prove they love the other, but to simply show how much they love their partner, then sex is wonderful and memorable .

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im in the running for a position, so I interviewed and I was given a tour and I met a few people and including this one particular guy who works in the department that I applied at and who happens to be very attractive, well he came up to me with such enthusiasm and was smiling from ear to ear and introduced himself and shook my hand, his face just lit up when he seen me and he even said very nice to meet you still smiling that 1000 watt smile and shook my hand again...wtf? any explanation

Well obviously, since I can't get into his head, I have no idea why he acted so enthusiastic. But I know how to let my imagination run though none of what I say may be the deal. To really know, you'd have to find a way to ask him after working there a couple days.

He is really excited that there will be one more person to help share the work load.

He believes in dreams and had one about meeting a female whom he finds attractive who will be working in the same department. That could explain why he was so excited.

He mistook you for a minor celebrity he's a fan of cus you look pretty similar and so he was excited and didn't wait a moment to introduce
himself.

He's single and wanting a girlfriend so he was excited to see a cute one join the staff, hoping to ask you out some time.

For you, if he's married, best to stay away from him. If there is a policy against dating other employees, be careful.

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so I'm auditioning for a Highschool show, and we have to pick our own song. I'm having a really weird issue, because we sing 16 bars and so I printed a sample copy of the song I want to sing so I wouldn't have to pay, but now I'm running into an issue.

SO I'm going to be auditioning with one of Nancy's parts in It's a Fine Life. I printed from a website musicnotes,and it didn't say so on the website, but it is from the movie and not the stage show...I found another version from the stage show, problem is if I wanted that I'd have to actually buy it to get the lyrics I need. I don't wanna have to do that if I don't have to, because it's $6 and I'm going to use it once. There's some instrumental parts in the beginning that isn't in the apparent movie version...

so I wanna know, for those of you experienced with theatre auditions, if it is a problem to use a song from a movie musical instead of a Broadway stage musical.

I'm not sure if I sound dumb, I'm just paranoid, lol.

I don't have an answer for you. And for all you know, rules may have changed since some older people were in HS. I was in HS choir but never auditioned for any plays. However I remember the choir teacher being approachable about anything music related and no question was dumb or stupid. So if it were me, I would ask my teacher if it would make a difference, even if your teacher is not involved in the play or show.

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I'm 24/f and I've been in college for around 5 years trying to get my bachelors. I work full time so I can't always take full time classes and had to take a semester off when I moved and had to find a new job. I still have a year and a half left of undergrad.

Anyways, I'm feeling very burnt out and like my bachelors degree is a giant waste of time. I'm so extremely tired of going to school and taking class after class with seemingly no end in sight. I feel like all I'm doing is wracking up debt. I'm newly engaged to my fiance and now the thing at the forefront of my mind (he's very solid in his career and financially) is us getting a house and getting married in the next two years. I know it won't be too long before he also starts wanting kids (probably around 5 years).

I've also gotten to the point where I realize my bachelor degree will mean little to nothing and I need a Masters in my chosen major to do anything with it. I feel scammed by my University advisors that create a false hope that there's a lot of openings in my career field, when in reality I've seen very few in the last few years.

A big part of me wants to say screw it, and go and get some kind of year to two year long medical certification that makes a satisfactory amount of money versus go to school for another four to five years for a job in my current major field. However, people keep insisting that my major is a good one and I'll be able to go on to do great things with it. Other people tell me to just finish my bachelors in my major and go for my Masters in something related, but in a different area.

I despise my classes currently and have no inspiration to continue on next semester. I just want to spend time with my fiance, work, do things I love, and live my life without the worry of studying, homework, and exams that seem to be never ending. I'm tired of professors saying they don't give A's in their class and I'm very much over borderline A/B grades which seem to happen a lot. I'll study intensely, have a high A all semester, and then in the last couple weeks the professors pile on more intense work to get more grades in their book and I'll wind up with something ridiculous like an 89.8B versus a 90A.

I really need some advice. I'm starting to feel like I'm just not cut out for this school thing, but it's too late to go back now. I can't take any further semesters off and I'm under pressure by my family, friends, and fiance to hurry up and finish a degree so I can move on with my life.

I do believe that getting degrees are good but equally that once you have one, it can be hard to find a job in your field. My husbands daughter went to a prestigious CG (computer graphics) college on te west coast. It is so hard that she saw about 75% of the other students drop out at aome point in time. The school was reported to be hard on you because if a student could handle the unrealistic demands and still come out on top, then they were more prepared for the hard work that came along with that field when they did get a job. She passed as one as the top of her class. You would think she could find work but she is a go getter and would approach people who weren't even hiring yet, to get her name and face known out there. Yet she found nothing. She did all sorts of jobs, many not related to her degree, like changing diapers in a nursery to drawing designs for a tattoo artist to tattoo on clients. Its been 3 years until she got a job doing what she has a degree for, and that after she married and they moved to New York. I share this story because it is a realistic version of what is going on with job availability. You may get the job but not for a couple years or more of searching.
My own oldest daughter went for a degree to become a medical assistant just to share about the medical field. When she was done, she kept in touch with classmates to learn if there were better places to apply at. She did not find anything and she applied a lot. So in desperation she started volunteering to work for free just to get some job experience in her field and someone took her up on that who had a private office. But even then, it didn't help her get a job later and she gave up and now works at Walmart of all places.
I don't know what your degree is or how it could help in the future. This is something for you and your fiancee to talk about. Every concern and every wish of yours, you need to bring up. If you haven't Talked about and asked him outright, you better!!! ASAP First you want kids and a house. So if you do not want to be married to a man who is against one or both, you need to know now! I am serious hon. Too many end up married to someone they didn't thoroughly discuss things with and have a man who they discover does not want kids or believes a house is a money pit and they'd rather spend money on fancy vacations all the time.
All of what you said is relevant to discuss with your soon to be husband. You can not make such big decisions on your own anymore as if he doesn't exist. This is your wake up call dear, when you have a life long partner, anything that will affect his and your relationship, whether something small or something big, should be brought up so that he can put in his ideas and wishes and not be surprised at the end. If he is basically going to be the only breadwinner, can you realistically be able to afford children let alone owning a house. Having enough money to go around, no matter what you earn is the plight of all people in this day and age. The economy to me includes the gap between wages earned and the cost of living. I recently watched a documentary on the homeless and it was done in a city I don't remember but trailer after trailer were parked alongside a several block long park. One of the men interviewed was a medical technician with a wife and two kids. He said he earned good money but was homeless because they couldn't afford the rent in the city but the city was where the jobs were. Those who decide to live out in the suburbs most likely will have to travel in city for a job and then comes into account gasoline and wear and tear on the vehicle and ability to get to work if it breaks down. An express bus isn't always a choice and may not exist where you can afford to buy a house. These are things you can't know ahead of time, like where you end up getting a job and where you will be able to afford the kind of house you want. The more financial obligations like this that must be met monthly, the greater your stress becomes. YOur fiancee needs to know if he doesn't how you hate your classes and want to go for the shorter degree. So you both need to check what those jobs pay and decide if you can make things work on a pay like that, not just meeting the current obligations but come up with calculations on adding in a mortgage payment, big gasoline bill and all the needs of kids growing up. If it still seems do-able, then you know that going for the lesser degree is something he will have no problem with agreeing upon. You may also want to plan ahead, what if you did not find a job right away, what if it takes 3 years like it did for my husbands daughter? How far off do you have to put wishes for starting a family or buying a house? What if the worst case is what happened to my daughter, having to give it up. I have heard the same thing my daughter did, that the medical industry field is the faster growing field there is, that they have so many job positions to be filled that are currently empty. I was recently at my medical clinic and spoke with the clinic supervisor about issues I had with how my case was handled. SHe apologized and thanks me so they can work on doing better. She explained that they do get lots of turnover or problems filling even just the receptionist jobs, not just the new doctors they needed, because of the cost of living in the city. She said most people can't afford on even medical clinic pay, to live in the city and have to commute so its hard to fill the position and then they are forever training new people who may drop the ball on something (which happened to me.) And so some who accept the job later leave because they find they discover they can't afford the commute and/or don't like having their own time eaten up by commuting so that when finally home, there's only enough time to eat, hug your kids and put them in bed and have an hour to yourself before you go to sleep so you can start it all over again. Kids will suffer if both parents have jobs that combined with commutes, leave little time for the children. Being able to afford daycare is one thing but the kids then don't get enough of you around to model them selves after and your enforcing of behavior you want in their lives. I know its hard to think ahead and even decide what you might do if you end up with just any old job at minimum wage or a little over. Of course none of us can know the future and what might go wrong and thats no way to live life, always fearing what could go wrong. But if the both of you can make a decision and agree what you both want to shoot for and have thought about most of the things that could leave you in a position of not having enough money for affording something, then it won't be as much a shock, especially if you know you may need to learn to roll with the punches. I live in a big city and have seen an increase in the amounts of couples who are late thirties or in their forties with their first child in a stroller, going for neighborhood walks together. One of the possible reasons they start a family so late in life is because they couldn't afford to do that until then. If you end up not able to afford the wedding you wished for, your line of thinking will be important to help you through, both of you bolstering the other up with, At least we found each other and are still going to be married, even if the wedding isn't what we dreamed of. Or perhaps you end up not able to afford the house you dream of and have to be happy crammed into something much smaller, but a house you can afford.

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Before I begin, I'm not judging her for having special needs! So do I!

Back when I started secondary school (being from the UK), the girl (who we'll call Amy) kept trying to be my friend. I didn't mind all too much, and just let her be. Eventually, it got to a point where just being in the same room as her got annoying; she'd randomly burst into song and get angry when I didn't sing along, randomly ask me to say words (since I have a weird accent), stuff like that. And my bullying got noticeably worse, being called a lesbian and such. So, one day, I eventually outright said to her "I don't want to be friends," in the nicest way possible. She took it well, and agreed.
For a few days.
Amy kept coming back, saying "Can we still be friends?" "Are we still hanging out?". Eventually, it turned into blackmail, where she'd steal me or my friend's seat or steal something of ours and say "I'll give it back if you be my friend!"
Of course, I got tired of being nice. I feel guilty, but I started harassing her.

I suppose I deserved it back. The popular girls pretended to be her friend, so Amy would say things about me to them. Even stupid things, like "Clover's laughed at something,".

How do I get this to stop??

YOu already did what you should, tell her you don't want to be friends anymore. So there is nothing more you have authority to do. But school officials have the authority to talk to her. Your own parents have the authority and responsibility to make sure that you are safe and in a happy learning environment. As long as Amy is acting up like this, you will be miserable at school. So your parents need to know and they would need to talk to the principal of the school. If you are special needs as well, and it is a special needs school, I am sure that with special needs kids, that problems do come up, it should be expected in that type of school. So it wouldn't be odd or seen as a bad thing to complain to principal and all athorities be aware and do whatever they do to help a special needs child change their behavior for the better. What she is currently doing is bullying and that isn't even tolerated in regular schools. If this is a program at a regular school where special need children are allowed to attend, then again the principal needs to know. Tell your parents. If they won't talk to the principal, then you do this directly and let the principal know you told your parents but maybe they didn't think this was seriously happening and not a made up story. As to your harassing her back, we all do things like that. We would't be human if we did't respond to our anger emotion ever. However it is good to be able to realize we could have handled a situation a better way. So if you learned by what you did, you have no reason to feel guilty any longer. Once your parents and the school authorities know, no matter if public school or special needs, they all can take care to make sure this does not repeat. You deserve a happy stress free learning environment. And it is very important because things like this can eventually distract your concentration enough that you do poorly in your grades and that is something these adults do not want to see happen. So talk to your parents and if they don't take you seriously, and won't step in, then go straight to the principal yourself.

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