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Do I break up our family or keep trying?
Hi I'm a 22 year old female. I've been with my boyfriend for a year and 3 months now, we just had our first baby too. She's 5 months so we moved very fast as you can tell. Faster than I expected (or wanted) and we live together as well. I don't know if it was the pressure/stress from having a baby or from getting into a very committed relationship but I just don't feel the same anymore.
When we initially started talking, I hadn't dated anyone in years. I wanted to put myself out there again and ended up meeting him. It was fun and I was enjoying the relationship but obviously things became very serious once I got pregnant. It became a little stressful, and then moving in with him was a big adjustment too. It's all been a bit overwhelming which made me become a little distanced.
We haven't been intimate in many months (I lost count) and I know he wants to very bad. Lack of intimacy is a daily discussion. I understand he has needs and I use to try and go along with it but at this point it just feels wrong to go along when I know I'm just not into it and I wouldn't enjoy it.
I have love for him and forever will, he's the father of my child. I just don't want to be in a relationship if i'm unhappy. I want to raise my daughter in a happy home with good surroundings even if that means being separate.
He doesn't know all of this exactly but he can tell i'm not as affectionate obviously.
So should I say something? Am I giving up too fast? Maybe it's a postpartum thing, but I just truly feel like I might've fallen out of love. It's scary, I just want to make the right decision/move.
Thank you for reading, looking forward to your advice. God Bless.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
If you're afraid of deciding too fast, take a break from the relationship. Tell him you love him, but recently, the relationship doesn't feel right. Having a child slightly complicates things, but in the end, it's all the same. I'm sure your child would want you to be happy. Take your child with you, or leave her with your boyfriend, and live separately for a little while. A little distance will do your relationship good. Maybe a month, maybe more, maybe less. It depends on how you feel. Once you get back together, if it still doesn't feel right, talk it out with your boyfriend. Reach a mutual understanding, whether that's breaking up or waiting and trying to work it out between you.
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My first thoughts also were some kind of post partum thing. Depression is common and seeing a therapist could rule that out and I agree to see a Dr. to rule out a medical reason, something simple like being low on something your body needs.
I will say that in my life, I have met many many women who know they were not depressed after having a child or two or three. Some saw Drs. but they simply were no longer interested. No one ever talks about the 'other' reason because it's hard to discover if a person doesn't have full knowledge of how things work in relationships. I am sure you would agree that it is important to not only be best of friends with your partner but both have a wonderful close sex life and continued desire for each other.
In the women who stopped having sex after they had a child or several kids, they simply did not feel desire for sex, not because they did not need it, but because they didn't feel it with their partner. I have know a few fairly closely and it wasn't any depression although I had one daughter experience depression after the birth of her first child and confided it immediately to me so we got her in to a Dr. for help.
I am doing the math and it's been 15 months you've been with the boyfriend. Take away the 5 months age and the 9 months in utero and that means you got pregnant a month after meeting him. You mention pression back then from getting into a committed relationship so I want to first go over only 2 commitments there can be.
The two are not the best choice for each other (may know it but may nit yet) but now that a baby is on the way, they are committed to that baby, both being there for baby. That kind of commitment lacks the commitment to each other first, a commitment of wanting to be with each other life long because they are so deeply in love, not just love some aspects of the person as you might love the same in a friend.
The other commitment is what I just described, in love with each other, as both friends and sex partners. One month of dating under your belt was not enough to explore whether the both of you were a perfect fit for each other.
There is another thing that misleads couples thinking they are perfect for each other and they may be, but on only one of those two parts of a solid foundation for a committed relationship, one being the friendship part and loving them as a friend, but the sexual desire and want to have sex, and have a vibrant fulfilling sex life as well. This is called NRE and I will explain soon. You have only half the equation because you do not desire him that way and as you said, you try to go along with it but you're doing it more for him than because you want or enjoy it. Marriages like this end in divorce when a couple being best friends only, have one or both cheat on the other to get their sexual needs taken care of elsewhere. Some still want to stay together because they love each other as best friends and as long as they get their sex taken care of with other partners, they are happy.
NRE stands for New Relationship energy. It is a real thing. The closest I can explain using something other than a relationship is being a child at Christmas who has begged for a certain toy, has dreamed of it and is so excited when they get it. Sometimes a toy held your interest indefinitely, while others only did for a short while but it wore off when the excitement of having it wore off. This happens most often in relationships. NRE doesn't last forever. I think it exists to help people have a chance of meeting the right person, but people feel this energy which is that heightened feeling of joy, a head in the clouds experience and seeing your world and this person through rose colored glasses. So we assume that this means we are in love and I assume that is what was happening still when you discovered you were pregnant so it seemed like a good idea to stay together as a couple who loved each other, then the NRE wore off at some point but maybe not as fast due to the changes of pregnancy, I can't be certain on that. But eventually, you were no longer feeling that extra excited feeling around him or the head in the clouds in love feeling or no more desire to have sex with him because it was out of this world wonderful. After a while of not having sex, a females systems can go asleep. And she will have absolutely no desire for orgasms, even on her own with masturbation. This isn't gone forever and can be reawakened when she meets the right man for a sex partner. As long as she stays with the one who does not make her body respond this way, her sex drive will reman dormant. So many women think this is a normal thing to experiene later in a relationship or after having kids but it is not normal. So I do suggest going to counseling together where it's more likely to discover if there is something other than not having the chemistry to be each others best sex partner. It doesn't hurt to have a general checkup and mention what you are experiencing. But if you are not depressed, then it is more like something along the lines of what I shared.
By the way, one partner can feel there is chemistry while the other does not, or it has worn off, in which case, the chemistry was never there for that one or both. Many people also confuse the love of some of the characteristics of a person, which one can love in a friend too, as meaning they are in love.
Love and in love are not the same thing. With my second husband I have found not only my best friend but the best most exciting and fulfilling sex partner ever and it keeps getting better with more new experiences in sex as time goes on. We're in our 10th year together. We are both in love. We are both about 60. So we really appreciate having that special someone but know that as we grow older, eventually the time will come when one of us passes. Both of us know if and when that happens, that the remaining partner will not have a desire to live anymore when the other is gone. It's like losing a part of you, an arm or leg and would take a great adjustment. The more in love, the harder it is for a partner to carry on alone. If it feels fairly easy to think of leaving someone, and knowing you won't miss them so devastatingly, then you may just love but not be in love with. YOu stated you have love for him. YOu need to discover what kind of love it is you feel for him. A therapist can help if you can't figure that one out on your own. I have given you enough info though to figure it out for sure on your own.
I know that if you are sure you do not love him that your choices are to part, remain friends and allow him visiting rights and he pays child support or to stay with him and never have a sex life for the rest of your life, with him going out and having sex on the side since you don't want to.
One more thing to think about is that your child learns things from observing its parents. It learns to reach for things, how to clap, kiss, wave, and on and on from watching the parents. It is also watching when you are not trying to demonstrate something like how to clap. A child will take in the behaviours of the parents and assume that is normal as it has nothing else to compare it to. So a child is learning that parents co habitate but aren't necessarily in love, never kissing or give loving touches during the day. It is not something to keep hidden from kids. Yeah they shouldn't be watching you have sex but seeing each other show love toward the other is normal. My oldest as a little child got excited one day after growing up seeing us cuddle and kiss. I had Christmas candlesticks in holder but they were too big for the cancles. I wrapped some tissue to take up space, yet one candle was leaning, crossing across the candle next to it, "Look Mommy, the candles are kissing, just like you and Daddy!"
I really tried but he was verbally abusive to me, not them and so they grew up taking this in as well. As adults now, I see how that impacted them in negative ways. My youngest choice a man as bad as her dad, just in different ways. The middle daughter wants to remain in control so she avoids having a boyfriend who might be controlling and mean. So she choose wimpy males who have no backbone and let her call the shots and lead them around, always telling them what to do. She doesn't want to ever marry or have kids. The oldest could decide what a good man was, she left the first, left the second but is staying with the third who is probably a sociopath due to his behavior and what I learned from his mom of his Behaviors growing up and actions of his birth father. Yeah, this is probably worst case scenerio but anything less than a normal loving relationship is what your child will learn if you think that staying together is best for the child. I know too late now that it is not best. I know from talking to adults who figured out the problems they have as an adult stem from observing and copying their parents when young. And some not by their own observations but those who saw professionals.
You should not sacrifice your happiness and the future of your child by staying if all other possibilities of problems are ruled out and its down to lacking desire and love for him in a sexual way. Friendship love isn't good enough. YOu are still young and have 50 plus years of great sex to have with the right partner. I am not saying he is a bad person. There are many men I met while dating after a divorce, who were really nice and I liked them very much as friends, maybe some I admired greatly but there was no chemistry, no sexual desire for them. I learned quickly to at least give a goodbye kiss on the fist meet up/date to see if I felt anything I might not have felt already conversation wise. In conversation, the words keep flowing on both sides. Not saying times of quiet is a bad sign. But if i have trouble keeping a conversation going, answers were short instead of experiencing a real interest in each other where we are leaning toward each other, totally focused on the other and can't wait to add to what they are talking about, that's a good sign something may be up. The kiss however is really telling. I have kissed guys who responded with a romantic kiss that felt gross like I was getting it from a male relative. I have kissed others with whom I felt those wonderful feelings one should feel if being kissed by someone with enough chemistry to make the relationship work.
My second husband is different in a way. Yes I felt the NRE, but I also felt the chemistry at the same time in kisses, in sex, cuddling, etc. However, as time went on we bagan to experience a higher level that I am not sure many people ever experience as I have not read anything about it anywhere though I keep searching. We seem to have 100% the right chemistry, treat each other as our best friend, and we can finish each others thoughts and sentences. We as so in tune with each other and are experiencing a certain type of energy that has nothing to do with the physical part of sex, maybe has to do with our auras and energy fields and feeling like those mix and blend and we feel sensations totally different from regular sex. So on a scale of no chemistry to full chemistry, we're at the top and everyone else I really liked before, falls some where in between. I don't expect most people to find what I have found but anything from half way on up is really good and I wish that for you. You need to have a talk with the boyfriend. He has to know how you feel and that unless he's mistreating you, yells or belittles, doesn't pay enough attention to you in sex, etc, then its not his fault and he as a wonderful man will be the best match for some other woman but he just isn't for you. If he thinks you are making this all up, have him read my response. I wish I knew this stuff when I was your age or I might have made very different choices in my life. I wish you the best and cooperation in the counseling thing. Although its most married couples who end up going for couple counseling not dating couples who are not married.
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I believe you are suffering postpartum depression, very common in new mothers. Before jumping overboard from this relationship I suggest two thing.
First a complete physical to ensure the problem is not something medical.
Second ask you PCP or Insurance company to recommend a psychologist who can help you through your depression and help you sort out your feelings.
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