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Moral Gray Area
So I am one to believe that life is nuanced and there are definitely gray areas in many situations.
My partner does not. He thinks in black and white.
The problem is he only applies this black and white thinking to other people. But to himself not so much.
I am asking I guess for perspective, because I have thought about this issue so many times and i can’t seem to come to a solid conclusion.
Background: I have been with my partner for about a year and a half. The first 6 months of our relationship were mostly long distance. We’ve now been living together for about a year.
The issue: Because of deep rooted childhood and past relationship traumas that I won’t get into here, he has always had trust issues. For the long distance part of our relationship he always worried that I was cheating on him. I wasn’t.
When we first began, I tended to be honest with my past and answered his questions and shared about who I dated and what I did. This of course made someone with a troubled past even more insecure (except I didn’t know that about him at that point so my naivety kept me talking and sharing).
Now by no means have I had a sketchy past or hundred of sexual partners or anything like that. I may have made a mistake but who hasn’t. Anyway he was not able to get over my past and the things I shared with him, and it would lead to bad fights so eventually I stopped sharing.
Where I was wrong: Because of his overblown reactions, and constant judgement of my past, I started downplaying situations. I wouldn’t lie per se, but I would only share the bare minimum and omit things that I knew would set him off or make him insecure. For example, if I was out with some girls and guys, I would only talk about the girls. If I was having lunch with a friend who I knew liked me but who I was not interested in, I wouldn’t share that this friend had a crush on me. If he asked me about a past vacation and who I was with, I would say a friend , when it was actually someone who I liked (but nothing happened with them). Once I even told him that I only hooked up with someone when I actually did more than that, but all of this was before I met him! I didn’t think it fair to be judged for something I did before I knew my partner.
See, I know this is wrong. I know not telling the whole truth is like lying. But if it was my past, and if I’ve never cheated and if I have never been interested in anyone except my partner and I was trying to avoid upsetting him and irrational fighting, is it really that wrong?
Part of me says yes it’s wrong.
But part of me also says, I’ve caught him doing the same thing. Downplaying a situation or telling a white lie for something to not seem as bad. We’re human. We do this out of fears, to avoid punishments, etc.
Anyway he found out about a few of these situations where I downplayed and now he’s flipped it around to “I’m not mad about what you did I’m mad about you lying”.
But he is not free of his own mistakes either.
I say if I have always respected our relationship. Never cheated or done anything nor would I, is it fair for him to continue to torment me about my past and about who I was with where and what I did with them and about downplaying situations?
Now we live together so this doesn’t happen anymore, but he’s likely to bring up the past and remind me that I haven’t been 100% honest with him all the time.
I just don’t know what to say or do in that situation. Turning it back on him is not mature, but then again , how can you hold someone to a standard you don’t hold yourself to?
And was it so unforgivable for me to downplay a situation about my past out of fear of his reaction?
Have I dug my own grave here?
Thanks in advance for reading this.
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Hi there. I am going to address stuff you wrote as you wrote them because there is plenty I'd like to share back. So this may be long but should be very informational.
You see the world in gray, because it truly can't be black and white all the time. As I believe, yes there are rules to be followed but sometimes a situation doesn't apply so I often say, "There are always exceptions to the rule.
His childhood aside, it is difficult to establish trust in a person you meet on the internet and have no way of relating to in person, thats for anyone. I am not rooting for him here though, just letting you know how I understand life situations. See, trust is built by being around a person in real life so that you have the opportunity to witness with your own senses whether the person is who they say they are, or not. It is when a person is consistently the way they say they are, that trust is built because you know you can rely on that person, because they will always act the same. So yes, it's difficult when in an LDR, (
long dist. relationship)
However you mention being in person together for a year now. Based on what I just described as to how trust is gained, it doesn't take a year to gain trust in a person. Five or 6 months top should be enough for those slow to trust.
Now you also know why any person can't be sure in an LDR that the person they relate to on screen isn't cheating with someone else in person.
I have experience with meeting a guy on line in a dating site and taking that to real life where we are married now. The person he portrayed himself to be, if I (I'm a female) shared the facts of my background history which would include not just childhood on up, but past marriage, any dating partners, and such was no issue to me, just me revealing the truth. He had no issues with self esteem or self confidence so what I shared never phased him. If he had had childhood issues, or as I said, low or lack of self esteem and confidence, then he would have had many many problems with trusting me.
A person with trust issues has a memory and feelings along with it that are playing on endless loop in their mind so they can never trust, no one, not just you. Is it healthy to continue to play this tape forever and react according to ones thoughts? No, of course not. I do understand there are things that happen in life and stuff such as PTSD too, but there is always treatment available when its a matter of a lack of trust or other dysfunctional issues that usually arise out of distorted thinking/thoughts. A good amount of lots of problems in life especially when it comes to relating with other humans whether in relationships or non couple relationships are due to distorted thinking. So much strife could be eliminated if the people with the issues would seek professional help. Unfortunately, there is no way to force another adult to seek help if they don't want to or feel there is nothing wrong with them and that its all you that is the problem. I got that lots with my ex. An ex counselor friend told him to go seek help because he wouldn't listen to me. He went twice and then stopped because he said there was nothing wrong with him.
Now the part you struggle with, not telling the full truth all the time in every situation. It is not the act of not sharing full information or keeping some things to yourself that is bad, God looks at the intent of our heart in such things. I don't say this lightly as I have a good relationship with Jesus. Even if you don't believe, I feel you need to know I am not flippantly saying what sounds good. God is more concerned with the state of our heart and the reasons why. In your case, you are stepping on eggshells around your mate and in your heart you don't want to lie but you keep the whole truth from him in order to protect his feelings so in that case your intention is a good one. However, here's another way to look at what you are doing, it may be enabling him to remain stuck, by avoiding the things that set him off. I am not saying you are a bad person either way, we all have done this sort of thing, half truths, or enabling people until we sort it out straight in our minds and come to our senses. That is what you wish to do, sort out where you stand in this and to know what to do so I support you for even writing in with this situation in the first place.
You stated we do this out of fears or to avoid punishments. I suppose, but it isn't fear for what would happen to me if I was totally honest. My concern is for how it will affect the other person . Here's something I have faced many a time since I am female. I'll be out with a girlfriend who is into babies. Most women are. So she walks up to a MOm who is holding her baby and coos and ahs over what a beautiful baby it is. Then right in front of the Mom asks me to come closer and see which I do ( I love kids truly) but the child I see is anything but cute or beautiful to me. I find it downright ugly at least to my personal taste of what cute is in a baby. She asks me if I agree this baby is so adorable. I don't agree so what can I say? I don't say its cute, that is a lie, I don't say it's ugly because that would hurt the mothers feelings and she'd probably think I was a horrible person. So having to say something, I look quickly for a truth I can share without answering the question. I will say, I love the outfit, if I really like it. Or if I find the childs eyes look similar to the Mothers, I will say, it looks like your child has your eyes. People don't usually realize you did not answer the actual question. I don't do this because I like lying, but I do it out of concern for other people. What would happen if everyone in this world could no longer speak untruths? There would be total chaos. This was explored in the Jim Carrey movie "Liar Liar" in which he was a habitual liar who all of a sudden could no longer tell a lie, even a white lie to protect someones feelings. I know you are in a same sex relationship so you wouldn't be in the situation Jim Carrey plays when in an elevator with a new employee. He asks if she is new in the building. She says "yes, I just moved in Monday". He says, "You like it so far?" She says "Mmm hmm, everybodys been real nice." Now being a hetero man, he is visually oriented to women so he says whats on his mind and its the truth but the woman is offended. He answers, "That's because you have big jugs . . .I mean your boobs are huge, (and by now he looks so embarrassed but he is still trying to say some untruth that is nice yet the last thing out of his mouth is "I want to squeeze them" and the woman hits him. This is of course a comedy so we all laugh but in real life, you can make enemies awfully fast if telling them things that would make them angry or whatever. I like Disneys words applied to Thumpers Mom. Thumper says his mom taught him, If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all, because if the truth is going to be taken as not nice or bad by the person hearing it, then it shouldn't even be said.
All that in defense of you and choosing to not say everything that you know will get your partner upset. Sometimes even an innocent phrase that 99% of people wouldn't blink an eye at will set off that 1 % if they are touchy about something. My oldest child in her 3rd marriage, married a guy who seems to be a sociopath. His father is a psychopath and hasn't been caught by officials yet. Before they went into seclusion and cut themselves off from the family, my brother in law asked him an innocent question on Christmas eve, "So are you spending time with your family tomorrow?
I wasn't there yet but he erupted in anger, yelling and cursing and saying he was going to kill my brother in law, simply for asking that question. He has mental illness as my daughter does, has believed situations and made up whole stories in his past that are all pure imagination because my daughter started telling me the same stories as things of her childhood which I know to be just fabrication, no truth at all. So, if the person who gets upset has troubles for one reason or another, all the people in the world he comes into touch with should not have to accomadate the one persons issues. In his world, he is expecting the worst to happen over and over, stuff from his childhood. Expecting, not just remmembering the past and getting upset when he thinks of it. Reacting emotionally or physically is not necessarily wrong if it is within reason. My example is hearing this from several vets: They were walking down the street one by self and one with a wife when a car backfired and the sound of that made them react without thinking and they hit the ground as they had to in war if they heard what sounded like gunfire. That is an understandable response and within reason. It does not hurt or affect anyone else around them. The wife I heard was startled to find the husband all of a sudden flat down on the sidewalk. In your situation, you are being affected by what your mate is going through. So his reactions are no longer a reasonable reaction or response. In your situation you are stuck in a catch 22, you are damned if you do, and damned if you don't. So no matter what you change your actions to, he will always react badly and think the worst of you. I was in such a situation with first husband who was verbally abusive. I tried to use logic and it never worked. I had him write down exactly where he wanted all dishes and foods in kitchen cupboards, willing to change it for peace in the house. When I followed his instructions exactly, he looked at it and told me I was an idiot for putting things where I did. When I showed him his handwriting and that I followed it. He ignored that and said he wasn't the problem, I was. If logic and reasoning wouldn't work there because according to therapists I went to see, there was faulty twisted thinking and logic and without years of help from a mental health Dr. hubby was not going to improve. Since he was still saying he wasn't going to a Dr. ever again because nothings wrong with him, (thats his distorted thinking talking) I chose to leave him after much prayer. God in fact told me to. I can not tell you whether that is the ultimate solution for you.
I can say that you, like I in the past, are not the problem in our situations. So there is nothing unforgiveable about you downplaying situations out of fear for his reaction. I assume that there must be a ton of really great qualities about him for you to wish to stay and make this work. I don't mean to rain on your parade, but if you can live with him constantly accusing you and not trusting you, then good, because without professional help, he is not going to get any better. This is not about good or high standards that you or he fail to uphold. This all boils down to mental health. Not saying it's one of those mental health diseases like OCD, Bi polar or such. But even though I am not talking of a genuine mental illness, one can begin to think distortedly and sometimes due to influences of life experience as with your partner, or others who had no bad experiences, but it started from within, connected to a fear or some other emotion based on something they read or saw in a movie, not something that actually happened to them. So you have not dug your own grave. But lets just say, you're like living in a graveyard of sorts, because your partner is like the dead among the living, because he isn't really living life to the fullest with the complete joy a couple should be having if they have the perfect mate for themselves. In short, if there is anything you can do to coax him to go to therapy for his past, then thats what you should do. If he won't change anything, not get help, then the rest of your life with him will be the same or get worse over time. I thought I could handle that. After so much odd stuff, I figured I had endured it all and made it out the other side untouched. I was wrong. I wasn't factoring in what the stress of such a situation, will do to you either mentally or physically. In my case the stres having to go settle somewhere, it went into my physical body. I got stress caused rashes, ulcers, headaches every day, about 4 xs a yr migraines, and so on. I know others who are affected mentally by the stress. They begin to think distortedly, one of which is blaming themselves and feeling they must be part of the problem. Or they can actually begin to look crazy to all the normal people out there. I went once with my mom and sister to a state mental hospital where my brother ended up (schizophrenic) for a short while till we found other placement. We were ushered into a visitors room and told to wait for someone to bring my brother to the room. The door opens shortly after and a crazy woman came in. Her actions and language were clearly not that of a health thinking normal average person meeting strangers the first time. She excuses herself and left and I turned to Mom and said, "Wow, I didn't know they let some patients here just roam the facility. "Thats' no patient, that was his treatment counselor here." Mom and sis laughed but I was horrified to learn that if someone is around a stressful situation long enough, they can begin to have mental issues too, at least in how they appear to others. It isn't something you can measure weekly, monthly or even over a couple years. I was married to my ex for 30 years so it was slow but a slow deterioration of my health over time with headaches being the first. He even complained that I had headaches all the time when boiled down, he was the one causing it. If your mate gets treatment, it may still not be perfect but lots better. Sorry I don't have any clear cut instructions on what to do other than counseling. Even if he doesn't go, I suggest you do because it can be very helpful to you to help dealing with this and having instructions on what to say or not say, Dr. approved. It helped me. I do hope at least that you no longer feel burdened by guilt of keeping things from him to protect him. It only gives temporary peace but in the end, it crumbles such as him telling you when he found out the truth, he's not mad at what you were doing but mad you lied. You know darn well if you had told the truth, he would not have been mad but worried and untrusting, thinking you were flirting or more with other men. Both are not good reactions from him. Untreated though, you can only choose which reaction you will get from him. I don't know if he is a strong enough character to leave you eventually if he thinks you are the problem but that is also a possibility. Therefore, I can't say more about how seeing a therapist can help you stay sane, know for sure whether you are handling things the right way and to know what options you have. Good luck and God bless
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If you can't be 100% open and honest with the person you are dating, you shouldn't be with them. That being said, it doesn't seem like it is your fault. If he can't get over little details, especially things about your past which YOU CANNOT CHANGE, it seems like that's his problem.
In a healthy relationship, there should be trust.
A conversation should go something like this:
A: Yeah I was out with some friends.
B: Who? (asking interestedly, not controllingly)
A: name them all - girls and boys.
B: Oh sounds fun (or something along those lines)
if it doesn't go casually like that are you really comfortable in the relationship? And if you aren't should you even be with them?
And if he can't handle the full truth, that's his issue.
I've not had a lot of relationships, but all of the ones I've had have been serious. I can tell my husband anything and he is fine with it. He trusts me (it would be bad if he didn't.. I like people regardless of gender so he'd have to be jealous of everyone!). I feel like all relationships should be like that, but maybe I've just found a fairytale relationship and real life isn't like that?
I wish you the best of luck and I hope I helped!
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