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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
19 - Female
So, I went to my friends house today and it STUNK of cat wee. She has two cats which are about 7months old (if that) and she hasn't wormed them or flead them in a while. So i stayed in the lounge area because the cats don't go in there and Im pregnant so I don't want to get toxemia from the cats. Anyways, she kept asking me to go into the other section of the house but I honestly just couldn't because it just STUNK OF CAT WEE! Surely she must notice this right? I understand you get 'used to a smell' but once you leave the house and go back, you would notice. The cats don't even go outside or anything.
I did explain to her that she needs to worm and flea her cats because otherwise they're just going to get problems. She hasn't even taken them to the vets but she won't listen to me.
Makes me so angry.
Soooo do I tell her that her house smells or is that rude.
The Answer
Tell her that her house smells.
DON'T tell her what she has to do about it. Don't tell her that she has to get her cats wormed and flea treatments - you probably aren't a vet and you aren't the expert in what care her cats require - and if you act like you are she'll get really, legitimately, mad with you.
Instead, tell her the thing that you know is true, and that you have enough knowledge of the situation to fairly say: Her house smells. By all means keep encouraging her to take her cats to the vet, since the smell is so strong it could be contacted to health issues, but stop diagnosing her cats. That's not your place to do so, and it's not helping her to see the problem.
If she wont listen to you, or take her cats to the vet, then it's time to simply decline to visit her home. She might get mad, but if you want to keep her as a friend it might be the best thing to do. Let her know you'd still love to see her, but that it's going to have to happen in coffee shops or at other people's home, because you aren't comfortable with the smell in hers.
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The Question
Hi I am 21 years old. When i was younger I was molested. Its a terrible memory and something I struggle and deal with to this day. I have tried therapist after therapist but i am always on edge and nervous and have anxiety through the roof. 2 years ago I met the most amazing man. We tried our hardest to have a relationship but I struggle with letting him in. It doesnt make sense but I trust him, my anxiety takes off and pushes him away though. He finally said he couldnt handle it anymore and until I worked on it and made progress we couldnt't be together. He means the world to me. But as hard as i try nothing works. Any suggestions?
Thanks in advanced!
The Answer
More therapy.
I know that isn't the answer you want, but it's the only real answer out there. By far, the most effective thing for managing anxiety, is therapy. Specifically Cognitive Behavioural Therapy has been proven to be the most effective kind to address ongoing anxiety issues.
A therapist isn't just a person you hire like you'd hire a maid or rent a car - it's a relationship. It's totally fine to see a therapist once or twice and say to them "Look, you aren't the right therapist for me. Can you recommend another?"
I saw three before I found one I had a good vibe with. I was lucky it only took three, and that I was younger and my mother really encouraged me to choose the therapist I wanted to work with, not just the one she choose for me.
So, start shopping around for therapist again. Yes, it can be disappointing and difficult and really exhausting, but it's the only reliable way. To get the results, you've got to do the work.
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The Question
I started dating one of my closest friends awhile ago. Well today she texted me "I kinda just want to be just friends".. Well I really really like her and I don't know how I can just move on..
The thing I'm scared of is losing her. Not exactly relationship wise, but friendship wise aswell. I'm just really confused at this point. Help?
The Answer
You have to respect what she says to you.
If she says she only wants to be friends, you have two choices: You can be her friend, or you can not be her friend.
If you really think that you can't be 'just friends', that's fine, just be honest with her. Tell her that being 'just friends' is going to be really hard for you, and that you need some time apart to mourn the relationship before you will be (if you ever will be) able to be friends.
But you can't just pretend things are going to go on the same. She said she doesn't want to date anymore. As upsetting as that might be, you can't pretend that she didn't say that.
So cry it out, go ahead and be upset, but then decide whether you feel you can be a friend to her right now or not, and let her know what you decide.
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The Question
I got ur comment on my question about "my husband watching porn and wont admit it and it bothers me and I have complained about it and confronted him about it.. I know every single male out there will say its normal and natural.. maybe it is.. but men.. don't look at it from a females point of view that does have issues with porn.. for the simple fact that I have told him multiple times that it makes me feel like crap about myself.. ive had 2 children via csection.. so it is harder for me to lose weight although I have lost some.. he says he finds me attractive, beautiful, and sexy... but when he has me and can get "any" whenever he wants (because I have never turned him down) then why would he still continue to watch it??
The Answer
I'm a woman. This is my point of view. I'm not defending pornography because I'm male. I'm defending it because it is not inherently damaging to relationships, and because consenting adults should be free to choose it.
What you read below is my, a females', point of view.
I don't 'get' pornography, in the sense that I don't really enjoy it, and find it all either just absurd or sort of offensive, and I don't understand in my own mind just why other people really enjoy it.
What I do, is respect the fact that other people like this thing that I don't like, and just because I don't get it or like, doesn't make it wrong or bad. Just like I can respect the fact that some people really like The Bachelor, even though I think the entire premise of that show is just disgusting.
Everyone who answered you has already answered your question about why he continues to do it.
He continues to do it because he enjoys it.
You've also been told that it has nothing to do with you. It has nothing to do with your body. It's not reflection of his love or his desire for you, and that everything he says to you is probably completely true. You could look like a swimsuit model and have sex with him twice everyday - he'd still probably look at porn sometimes.
You also have a lot of evidence in your life, from his desire and affection for you, the fact you say you are otherwise very happy with him, that should tell you that porn isn't actually causing a problem anywhere but in your head.
If you can't, or refuse to accept those answers, fine. It's the truth for most people who like porn, but if you just can't wrap your brain around it, that's okay.
If you can't understand the why (even though it's been explained and there are lots of other explanations out there too), then stop trying to understand why. Instead of understanding, just respect. Just respect that he feels differently about porn than you do. This isn't a male point of view vs a female point of view. This is the two of you, in this relationship, having a disagreement.
It's okay to disagree, and to disagree out loud, but you have to stop assuming that you are the only one with a valid argument against porn, and that he must stop something he thinks is okay, because you don't. That's not how relationships work, that's not how compromise works, and that's not how respect works.
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The Question
alright so my husband and I have been together for 5 years and married 2 1/2 years.. and in the past I have caught him with porn on his phone (first time about 3 years ago..) and I know he still does it.. ive seen it.. but everytime I confront him he denies it! and says he doesn't know how it got there.. hello.. im not dumb.. it doesn't just pop up!! theres only been one time in all the years that he actually confessed to it! and that night we had a long talk and I explained to him how it made me feel and what not.. he hugged me and comforted me and promised me that he would never do it again.. but he has.. and I just found some stuff on the tv tonight that he was looking at porn related things.. what do I do?! things have been going really good in our marriage and I don't wanna say anything and make things bad again.. and I don't wanna not say anything and him think that because he aint "getting caught" that he can continue to do it.. I don't understand why he does it.. we are VERY sexually active.. an what not.. so its not like he isn't getting any.. so idk why he insist on watching it.. idk if its me.. or him.. if I should say something... or not.. and yes, I know its just porn.. and I know its not like he is having an affair.. but its the fact that I have told him and explained to him NUMEROUS times how it makes me feel and everytime he promises he doesn't do it or he will stop... but he doesn't stop and he does do it!! I don't want porn to ruin my marriage!
The Answer
If you are otherwise happy in your relationship, then his occasional porn habit should be something you politely ignore. You seem to know that it's not ruining your marriage at all.
It's okay for you to not like porn, but clearly, he does. Most men, good parents and partners and good people, enjoy pornography. Most people, men and women, have absolutely no problem understanding the porn is fantasy, similar to a romance novel, and still enjoy the real sex and intimacy they have with their actual partner.
The only problems here are that
A.) He wont just stand up and admit that he enjoys it, and sees nothing wrong with it, and
B.) you think that because you don't like it, he must stop.
There is no reason to think his behaviour is an addiction. Pornography only becomes compulsive when people risk their jobs, or ignore their other responsibilities for the sake of watching porn. There is nothing wrong with him, or with you. It's simply a disagreement the two of you have.
It's okay for partners to disagree about pornography, but your opinion that porn is bad or makes you feel bad, doesn't automatically trump his opinion that it's okay, and that he enjoys it.
The simple truth is pretty much every guy out there watches porn. The ones who never cheat watch porn. The great dads watch porn. The men who are helplessly in love with their girlfriend or wife, also watch porn. It's not a reflection on you, or your relationship, it's a reflection of the fact he is human being and has the kinds of interests in sex that virtually all human beings have, and that men can easily and causally engage with through porn.
You don't need to understand why he does it. Maybe it will never make sense to you, but if he otherwise a good husband and a good partner, why torture yourself over this difference of opinion?
If porn upsets you, then he is doing a respectful thing by hiding it from you. You can do the equally respectful thing, but not going hunting for it. I don't think that's an ideal arrangement, but it works for a lot a couples who have the same disagreements about porn that you and your husband have.
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The Question
(We're both girls by the way, if gender matters)
So my girlfriend is really suicidal. She sometimes tells me she might kill herself soon, and I just didn't know how to respond or to help her. Well me and her were talking last night (Probably until midnight or so), but then I fell asleep. It was just an average conversation, not a fight or anything. Well I texted her when I woke up, and she didn't reply. My best friend texted her too, and she didn't reply either. I understand she might be busy, but she usually tells me if she can't text me the next day or something. I'm just really scared because she's really suicidal and I don't want her to hurt herself :( Any advice?
The Answer
Tell an adult.
If the adults in her life know she's suicidal, call one of them.
If the adults in her life don't know, tell someone.
If you can't tell a family member of hers (even an aunt or uncle, or an older sibling) then tell a teacher, or a counsellor who you trust.
The problem here is not just that your girlfriend isn't responding to your text. The problem is that your girlfriend is sharing this burden with you, and that you can't help her with it. Of course you can be loving and supportive, and that's great, but that's not the complete help she needs. You aren't capable of the full help she needs, even if you were both adults, she'd need more than what her girlfriend can offer. Right now only an adult is going to be able to help her access all the help she requires.
She can't solve this by herself, and you can't solve it for her. You shouldn't have to bear this burden and this anxiety. You deserve the comfort of knowing that professionals and adults are looking out for her and supporting her as well, and she deserves that help. You have to be her girlfriend, not her therapist. So tell an adult.
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The Question
17F
So let's just start out by saying I'm a lesbian. Well at least I think I am. When I first came out, I came out as bisexual only later to feel no strong connection towards guys at all. I am physically and emotionally attracted to females. I am also demisexual, meaning I can't pursue sex in a relationship until the romantic/connection aspect is there.
So here is my problem. I am attracted to guys as well. Physically, and depending on the guy, emotionally/mentally as well. The only reason why I wouldn't pursue a relationship with a guy is because I don't think I could have sex with one. I mean people have said when you're actually having sex it doesn't matter, but if I could only deal with male genitalia during sex, that would create a bad sexual connection.
The reason why I bring this up is because lately there is one guy who has caught my eye. A bit older, artist, cute and has a great personality. I've gotten the hint that he's into me and as much as I want to pursue it, I don't know if I can.
Do you think I'd be more comfortable with sexual aspects of a relationship with a guy if a romantic connection were to happen? Or do you think I'd be better off just dating girls?
So confused.
The Answer
I agree with the others that you should stay open to discovering new things about your sexuality and sexual interests, and not feel to beholden to labels. Especially not l a label like demisexual, because the definition you've offered here for that term is not quite correct. Labels can be helpful when it comes to explaining ourselves to others, but they can also be a trap you fall into when you become too attached to an idea of your own sexuality, rather than experiencing it, and being honest about that experience.
I also think you shouldn't date someone if you the idea of their genitals wigs you out, or makes you think it'll be fundamentally a "bad sexual connection'.
It's just not fair, or respectful, to get involved with someone if you know, or even just highly suspect, there are things that are inherent to their body that are deal-breakers for you.
Do you think you'd be more comfortable with sexual aspects of a relationship with a guy, if a romantic connection were to happen first?
Honestly, no. I doubt that very much. I think adviceman is utterly wrong in his advice on that point (and suffering from a whole heap of unconscious heteronormative bias to boot). You don't NEED to experiment with penises to know if you like them or not, and that's not a particularly respectful way to treat a guy to imagine you do. I believe that most people have a pretty good idea if they would ever want to consider having sex with a particular person or not after only a few interactions. When it comes to what kind of bodies interest us, we often know ourselves better than we give ourselves credit for. Listen to you gut. If your gut is say "Penises are NOT for me." then as much as you may enjoy a guy's company, respect him enough to let him know where you stand on the subject.
Unless you are interested in a guy who doesn't want a sexual relationship at all, ever, then it's not the guy for you - not based on the information you've got right now at least.
Maybe your opinion on penises will change, but I honestly and very strongly believe that it is not going to change for that one special guy or because you just like him sooo much or because he's such a gentle and caring lover. That's just not realistic or borne out by common experiences. Most people who enter into relationships hoping to find their partner sexually attractive once they have built a romantic relationship, end up deeply disappointed. They say the heart knows what it wants - but the heart has nothing on the libido. The libido KNOWS what it wants when it wants it, and there is very little tricking it into thinking otherwise.
The truth is you've got millions of opportunities each day for to become sexually excited by men's bodies, without being in a relationship with a guy or experimenting with one. Either one of those opportunities will hit home with you, or none ever will, but until one does, IF one ever does, I think you should stick to dating people who have the general physical characteristics you find attractive. If those people are girls, then stick to them.
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The Question
I can't tell you how many times I read questions about people who are asking about their self harming. I don't get why people would this. And the worst part is they ask it in a very matter of fact way. Honestly, it makes me really upset when I read these things. I almost tear up
The Answer
As others have said, it's a way to get an illusion of control over your situation, when you feel like you have none.
In that sense, it's similar to substance abuse. Even if you are making something 'bad' happen, you are at least in complete control of it. That can be comforting for some people.
There is also more and more scientific evidence that self harm 'feels' very good to some people.
(I'm not sure what rainhorse68 was trying to get at with the "laws of physics" because it has nothing to do with the study of physics. It's a physiological, biological or cognitive phenomena).
A lot of studies have been done looking the brains of people who self-harm, and it's very clear that many people experience a calming sensation or find the pain genuinely pleasant. This could be because endorphins are released in the brain when the body is hurt, or could just be the way some people are wired differently than others. Either way, that makes self-harm like self-medicating for some. They experience very genuine release and less stress after doing it.
Of course, that doesn't make it okay, but I think it might help you if you realize most people who self-harm are not trying to kill themselves, or trying to get attention. The vast majority really do find it a positive experience. Obviously, it's not a good habit and people who do self-harm should be strongly encouraged to find healthier ways to manage their stress and negative emotions, but there is no reason for you to get really upset. People who self-harm deserve respect and understanding for the habit, even while explaining to them why its not the most effective way to get the release they are looking for.
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The Question
I have extreamly random dreams sometimes. And there are rarely similarities between them.
But everytime I dream of being in a situation where I yell or scream, my throat closes and very little sound comes our I can't speak at all. Its strange, because I can even feel my thoat closing up and/or the hoarseness of my voice. Even when I was little it's been like that.
I am very curious about if this means something specific or means nothing at all.
The Answer
There are people who enjoy dream interpretation, personally tho, I'm firmly in the scientific camp that dreams have no inherent meaning. They are simply your brains mental exercises while you are asleep. The only meaning they have, is the meaning people choose to assign to them when they are awake.
But it's actually pretty normal to not be able to scream or yell well dreaming. When we enter REM sleep (the time during sleep where we dream) our body triggers something called muscle atonia. Basically, our muscles turn off, to keep us from acting out our dreams - and maybe hurting ourselves well doing it. That deliberate muscle weakness also means we can't scream or yell.
So it sounds like you might be experiencing mild moments of sleep paralysis. That's when you start to wake up during REM sleep, but your muscles remain 'off' for a few moments while you fully wake up (or doze back off). It can be scary, but it's totally normal, and some people just experience more than others.
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The Question
Hi! I posted a "bikini bridge" photo to my instagram and like three people made fun of me and said the bikini bridge thing is a fake thing but I don't understand how that could be? how is it fake or anything if I HAVE ONE?!
The Answer
It's a hoax because it was a small group of online trolls who decided to photoshop images of celebrities and then push this topic until the media covered it.
So, when you post about your 'bikini bridge' you are doing it because you were manipulated into it by a group of online jerks - who are laughing at you now, because they made you behave in a certain way, and manipulated your beliefs about your own body.
It's also a 'hoax' because it does not signify good health. In fact, the only place the idea of 'bikini bridge' existed before this group of online manipulators promoted it was in forums that were pro-anorexia and encouraged people to have eating disorders.
Of course there are some people who will have a 'bikini bridge' who are not suffering from an eating disorder (mostly very young people), but most health adults wont, because most people just wont when they are at a healthy weight, and most people's hip bones are just not shaped that way to begin with.
You shouldn't be ashamed of your body, and people who make fun of you because of your body are assholes, but you also should recognize that internet memes like 'thigh gap' or 'bikini bridge' have NOTHING to do with being a healthy person (or a sexy person) and everything to do with media manipulation and body shaming other people.
People shouldn't be mean to you because of pictures of your body, but you should also do some research before jumping into every meme you see posted online. Some of them are just total BS. The 'bikini bridge' meme was invented by people who only wanted to see how many people they can convince and control.
You are have to be a more intelligent media consumer, so you don't get taken in by these sorts of stupid fads.
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The Question
Hi
im 17 years of age and I smoke marijuana (on accasions e.g. Partys and christams) and my mom has notice my drug usage.. Im not a violent person when I smoke it and I dont do it often.. Anyway my mom said it can lead to the use of cocaine and stronger drugs like mcat but I dont think it does! Does it always lead to stronger drugs? Does it depend on you state of mind (crave stronger side effects)? Or do people start stronger drugs just because they have been offered some? Ive been smoking for a year and a half and I havnt got craves for stronger drugs?is my mom right or just concerned?
The Answer
Are people who smoke marijuana more likely to try (or get addicted to) harder drugs? Absolutely. Way, way more likely. Like 100x more likely than people who don't smoke weed. There is a clear, and strong correlation between marijuana use, and other drugs.
Of course that doesn't mean it's the marijuana's fault, or that everyone who smokes weed is going to get addicted to cocaine. Just because there is a correlation doesn't mean weed is the only reason people try harder drugs - it's way more complicated than that - but, it does mean that your mothers fears are totally valid. Her fears aren't coming from nowhere, or from misinformation. The facts are there.
It sounds like you have a pretty good relationship with your mom, so just be honest and respectful. It is totally reasonable for her to be worried about your drug use, and you should follow her rules, especially inside her home.
Weed certainly can have negative effects on your life - pretending it can't is just stupid. So don't be stupid, be honest with yourself and informed about what you are choosing, and try to be up front with your mom as well.
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The Question
I'm 16 and I masturbate using clit stimulation. I use an extra electric toothbrush and even my bathtub spout to climax. I'm worried that when I have sex when I get older that I won't be able to climax because it's not clit stimulation.
The Answer
Most women can only orgasm from clitoral simulation.
That's totally normal, regardless of mastubation habits. Only a minority of women can orgasm from penetration alone.
So don't worry too much about that - its good to masturbate, and figure out what works for you. The only place that masturbation can go wrong is when you end up teaching your body to respond only to a very particular sensation. So mix it up and don't allow yourself to become dependant entirely on only one way to reach orgasm.
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The Question
tonight I hung out with my ex, things seemed to be going well, and he was being flirty. we started to watch a movie and he got real quiet then he turned the movie off and all of a sudden he changed. he said he doesn't want to do this anymore he doesn't feel connected to me, he wants to leave the past in the past and start a new chapter, he said whenever I asked him advice on guys he said it felt awkward for him to tell me how to go about getting to know another guy, and he doesn't want to have a physical relationship with me. and he got angry when I didn't even do anything to him. he said some of the things I do and say and he said im smug and stuck up. he said he thought me and him being friends would be different than how it is but tonight he didn't want to be there with me like he thought he wanted to be and he has a lot of stuff going on, why did he suddenly get angry with me for no reason? and why did he lash out on me? whenever I tried to ask him why he would just tell me "I don't know"
The Answer
He's just not your friend. He's your ex. He isn't ready to be a friend.
It's not that complicated. He's judgemental and conflicted. He doesn't seem to enjoy your company and he's frankly, kinda of torturing you with his own insecurities and confusion about what he wants.
So, just accept that he isn't a friend right now.
It's tough, if he is really confused and demanding, but you need to stand up for yourself, and not be friends with someone who isn't respectful and friendly towards you.
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The Question
Hi, i am 15 years old and a male. A year ago, i had gay sex with a friend of mine. We Kissed and i inserted my penis into his anus.It was somehow pleasant but i regretted it later when i realized what i had done. Now, I get an erection every time i think of having sex with that friend of mine and also when i see a naked man on the INTERNET.Right now i am able to resist the temptation having gay sex but i do not know how long i can resist it since being gay is both illegal in my country and i sin against God. Please someone help me!!!!!!!
The Answer
Start planning to move, and get away from whatever country you are living in where they will harm you for being gay.
If you don't ever want to act on your sexual desire for men, because you believe it's sinful - that's fine. Some homosexuals make that choice, because they believe it's the choice God wants them to make. However, this desire will never go away. You will always be gay. Anyone who tells you that you can turn yourself straight, is just lying to you. It doesn't happen. You will always be attracted to men.
Regardless of what you believe about sin, you need to get out of any country that would harm you for being gay! That's not a safe place for you to be, even if you always resist temptation. The stress and the threats of living in such a place will ruin any happiness you can have - even if you never act on your homosexual desire. Please, you may be young now, but it's time to start considering your options for leaving a country for a place where you can live safely and with human dignity.
You deserve that, and it's worth everything to be safe and respected in the place you call home.
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The Question
Helo 15/F
I have UTI but I am drinking antibiotics. But I can't get I still have the irritation of having to pee! Please help? Can I do something to just ease it up a little bit
The Answer
Just keep drinking as much water as you can and pee often.
Don't try to hold it - that just gives the bacteria time to build up and causes more pain when you finally do pee.
Some people (myself included) find that drinking lots of cranberry juice is the best thing to manage the pain.
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The Question
15/F
Hey. So I have UTI and I tried to say nothing but I can't take it anymore! It is sooo irritating! I have to pee the whole time! So yesterday I told my mom and she said I will go and check if I have sometimg (after she screamed at me and told me I'm to flirty with my nephew! I mwan he's my nephew!) But she never went.... And I'm not gonna remind her again.
Any help
The Answer
You need to see a doctor. Quickly.
An untreated UTI can lead to dangerous kidney problems. It can even become life threatening.
You need a doctor's help. Nothing your mother 'has' is going to clear a bacterial infection.
Keep drinking as much water as you can - that will keep the pain under control - but you also must see a doctor.
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The Question
Guys, what would you do if a random girl came up to you and kissed you? Would you go with it or get pissed off?
The Answer
Maybe some guys would be okay with this, but the guys who aren't, could charge that random girl with sexual assault.
It's illegal to force sexual acts on people like that. It's also really rude and demeaning. Don't do it.
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The Question
I'm having a hard time deciding what to do with my life from here on out. I don't know anyone else to ask and I used to come to this site for advice in middle school, so I thought I'd try again. Here is the situation.
I'm 22 and my boyfriend is 23. We live together in a college town in the midwest. We've been together for 2 years, and have been living together for 6 months. I graduate college in May and the lease on our apartment ends in the summer.
My boyfriend has already finished his degree and has set his sights on a graduate school in another state. I'm really happy for him that he wants to go to grad school. He has worked really hard to get admitted and save money over the past year, and for that I am really proud of him. I know he is going to love the town that the school is in and really thoroughly enjoy the masters program he's been admitted to. He's planning on moving up there when our lease ends in the summer, in time for the fall semester to start. The school is in a different state and a 13 hour drive from where we live now.
Of course, he is hoping and assuming that I am going to move there with him. Like I said, we already live together now, so by most people's standards, you can assume we're in it for the long haul. The problem is, I'm not sure I want to move to the grad school with him. On the surface, there are a few reasons I don't want to move there. First of all, I most likely can't get a job in my field there. I'm about to get my bachelors degree in journalism and there are zero jobs there even remotely related to journalism. Also, its very far north, and therefore cold and dark for much of the year. I know it sounds trivial, but I think I have a light case of seasonal depression disorder and I really don't thrive under those conditions. (As an endearment/pet name, by boyfriend calls me "Sunny" because he knows how happy I get when it's sunny out.) Its also far away from where any of my family and friends live. Living there would only be for a year, but those are just some of the surface-level reasons that this town really isn't the place for me.
But there are some deeper problems that make it difficult for me to decide whether I should move there or not.
The main one is that my boyfriend is very protective and jealous- and this has been an issue throughout our relationship. He got very upset when he found out that I had become particularly close with a male coworker early in our relationship, even though me and the coworker were no more than friends. (and just "work friends" at that- we almost never hung out together outside of work.) Since the coworker incident, my boyfriend has been paranoid about my fidelity. A few months ago, my boyfriend nearly got in a bar fight over a male friend asking me if I wanted to sing a kereoke duet with him. (I wish that was a joke, but unfortunately, it happened.) After the "Kereoke Incident" (as we now call it) I made it clear to my boyfriend that I seriously wanted to break up with him, but the next day, he signed himself up for anger management classes and has been attending them ever since. So I gave him a second chance at our relationship thinking, "Nobody's perfect, but someone willing to put serious effort into being a better person and a better partner is worth sticking around for." A true asshole will not regret being controlling, and an average joe will apologize for it, but someone making an honest attempt to fix a major behavioral flaw is a truly good person, right?
But the way I look at it, this controlling/jealous streak is two sides of the same coin when it comes to deciding to move to the grad school with him. On one side, it is a fair rationale to decide to not move with him. If I decided I didn't want to continue a relationship with someone as controlling/jealous as he is, I could live with that. The way he's treated me thus far has given me plenty of reason to end it, and maybe this move is the natural closing of our time together.
ON THE FLIP SIDE, I feel like moving to a new place with him could be like hitting the reset button on our relationship. It could give us a total second chance together in a town where we don't know anyone. We've got the lessons learned in our first apartment under our belts, and can move to the next one and put those into use. For example, when I told my boyfriend about my male coworker, I had no idea that it was going to absolutely disturb him like it did. I didn't know my boyfriend as well then, and I didn't know he had such a jealous personality. If I were to do it all over again, the obvious lesson learned is "don't rub your friendship with a guy in a jealous man's face." With this under my belt, I can make our relationship at the grad school go much more smoothly. It was a steep learning curve for sure, but I'm over the hump now.
In general, I really really don't want to break up with him. I love him very much and 99% of our relationship is nothing but true friendship, good sex, and having a hilarious time as roommates. Despite the bad picture I've painted, he is in general, a sweet and pretty selfless guy; he is self-reflective and feels serious regret when I told him he has hurt me. But I can't for the life of me make heads or tails of the decision to move with him next year. There's good reasons to break up and good reasons to stay together. Endless pros and endless cons. Half of me is saying "Move! Whats the worst thing that could happen? You hate it and break up?" and the other half of me is saying, "Are you actually considering moving to a podunk town thats dark half of the year for a man that controls you?" Isn't there something romantic about moving somewhere crazy for love in your early 20s? On the flip side, aren't I too young/wild/independent/good for him and his shit?
I know this is long, so MANY THANKS for reading and responding. Its really tearing me up so any advice is appreciated. THANK YOU.
The Answer
You are clearly thinking about this in all the right ways, but there are some serious red flags here I want to draw your attention to right away.
First off, the idea that moving will 'reset' your relationship. Stomp this idea out. Laugh it down. Pinch yourself whenever you find yourself thinking this. That's the same faulty logic that leads people to think that marriage, or having a baby, will solve their problems. These major shifts do NOT solve existing problems, they ALWAYS amplify them. So remove that from your list of pros, it's nonsensical.
Secondly, you are still blaming yourself for his anger reactions. It's okay to acknowledge that you aren't perfect, but when you start to build strategies to 'keep from rubbing his face' in an innocent friendship, you are taking your responsibilities much, much too far. If he has an anger management issue, your job is not to pacify him, your job is to label the irrational behaviour and remind him it wont be tolerated. Women who seek to pacify irrational anger in their partners end up insecure and battered women, always walking on eggshells. Also, when you pacify someone who is jealous and irrational, you are telling them they they have legitimate reasons to behave the way they are ('cause you wouldn't keep secrets/tell white lies/try to keep him calm if you didn't have something to hide. right?)
Honestly, I think there could be a lot of great things about moving. I don't know what forms of writing or journalism you are interested in, but going to a city where there is a less of a market for those skills can actually help you gain real experience. Because there is less of a market, there is also less competition. And where there is any college or university, there will be at least some market for writers (not to mention, of course, the internet).
Even seasonal affective disorder, although massively sucky, can be dealt with pretty easily. 13 hours isn't so far away you can't go home for days at a time during the winter, and most people I've spoken to and worked with find SAD light boxes really effective.
So, I'm not really giving you a solid answer here, but if I had to be 100% honest with you, I'd say it sounds to me like you are leaning to not going, because you aren't confident your boyfriend is managing his anger and you aren't thrilled with the behaviours that irrational anger brings out in you. These other things (work and SAD) are certainly valid, but they aren't the major items. The major, number one item here is whether you want to continue to this relationship or not, and you are genuinely torn about that. Put the rest of this aside and just focus on that: Is this someone you want to be in a relationship with anymore?
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The Question
I hooked up with this guy earlier ini the year and he was my first hookup. We didn't do everything but we did everything but sex (I'm in college and still a virgin btw). He seems disinterested in me every time I see him now. I know it was my first time and I wasn't the best but I didn't think it was full out bad. I can't stop thinking about him now. Months later. Even though I didn't let him have full sex with me, why would he be avoiding me totally? (Like ignoring texts and acting indifferent in public). How can I get him to want to be with me again?
The Answer
He's just not interested - it's unlikely you'll ever know more than that.
When someone is so disinterested they don't even want to talk to you at all, there is really not much hope that anything you do will make them want to hook up with you agian.
This is downside of hooking up: this guy doesn't owe you any explanation or any friendship. It would be nice if he'd be less of a jerk, but that doesn't change anything. The best thing you can do is just let it go.
It probably didn't have anything to do with you. I know that is hard to believe but it is true. So don't let it this virtual stranger snubbing you get under your skin.
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The Question
I'm a 16 year old girl who has been single for roughly 3 years and I don't know why. I've been told I'm really pretty, and generally a likable person, even if I don't think so. I'm a bit shy and kind of awkward, plus I have like 0 self confidence. I know that confidence is a good thing to have, but it can't be the only reason why I'm single right? I also don't really put myself out there, I'll talk to someone only if they talk to me first or if i'm with my friends. I've been told that I could get a boyfriend if I tried, but here I am. Single. It seems like all the guys that like me are not really my type and I could honestly never date them. Am I just setting my standards too high? Maybe I'm really ugly and no one wants to tell me? Maybe it's my personality? Maybe I'm just boring? *sigh* I just don't know what's wrong with me.
The Answer
There is nothing wrong with you.
You are sixteen years old.
You've been single for three years, but those three years were basically the first three of year of your life where you could have had anything even remotely like a romantic relationship. With a little luck, you have about 20x that length of time left to have romantic relationships.
Of course it's sad not to have met anyone yet - but that's just bad luck, not a reflection on you as a person or your standards. It's only a reflection on your youth and limited groups you currently move in.
It's okay to be sad and want a boyfriend, but if there are no guys that are interesting to you, then there are no guys that interest you, and that's okay.
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