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please help!?!?!
alright so my husband and I have been together for 5 years and married 2 1/2 years.. and in the past I have caught him with porn on his phone (first time about 3 years ago..) and I know he still does it.. ive seen it.. but everytime I confront him he denies it! and says he doesn't know how it got there.. hello.. im not dumb.. it doesn't just pop up!! theres only been one time in all the years that he actually confessed to it! and that night we had a long talk and I explained to him how it made me feel and what not.. he hugged me and comforted me and promised me that he would never do it again.. but he has.. and I just found some stuff on the tv tonight that he was looking at porn related things.. what do I do?! things have been going really good in our marriage and I don't wanna say anything and make things bad again.. and I don't wanna not say anything and him think that because he aint "getting caught" that he can continue to do it.. I don't understand why he does it.. we are VERY sexually active.. an what not.. so its not like he isn't getting any.. so idk why he insist on watching it.. idk if its me.. or him.. if I should say something... or not.. and yes, I know its just porn.. and I know its not like he is having an affair.. but its the fact that I have told him and explained to him NUMEROUS times how it makes me feel and everytime he promises he doesn't do it or he will stop... but he doesn't stop and he does do it!! I don't want porn to ruin my marriage!
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I think adviceman49's post pretty much says it all about the relationship between males & pornography. I certainly hope you DO NOT let it ruin your marriage. Would be a shame to let fantasy impact on reality at all in fact. I'll just add that for some guys, the fact that porn is a little bit of a 'guilty secret' that we hope we are not 'found out' over actually adds to the frisson, shall we say? In our youth it is 'hidden' from our parents, and yep...when we are older it's concealed from wives and girlfriends! A few ideas to de-fuse what might become a far bigger issue than it really deserves to be? How about a frank, 'so what' approach? Make light of it as his 'boys toys' and a 'you still looking at your girlie pictures?' approach. Takes away a little of the 'forbidden fruit' thrill and gets it all in the open, which lessens it's power and might even make him feel a tiny bit, well...foolish...and/or juvenile? Or alternatively, although you say you don't want to, turning a blind-eye (but a 'knowing' blind eye of course) has many advantages in many sreas of adult life...which I'm sure you realise. Porn can strongly polarise opinion. Personally the only objection I believe really holds up to the light is that too much exposure to pornographic imagery from too young an age (which is far more common since the internet) can tend to give younger males a distorted perspective of women, that they are primarily, or even purely 'sex objects' which exist for the amusement and gratification of men. In fact this is a better description of pornography than women! And in most cases when the younger guys engage in real relationships with real women they pretty quickly have this illusion knocked clean out of them. Finally...OK. You caught him, he promised it woldn't happen again...and it happenned again. In effect, he lied to you. And I don't doubt you feel somewhat hurt, dissapointed, let down? I strongly urge that you DO NOT over-react, that you step back and keep this in proportion and perspective. If there's a hint of an idea of 'if he can lie about this he can lie about anything...how can I trust him?' just make every effort to beat it down. Some people will surely tell you this, it's of those sort of home-spun philosophies that will persist in some characters. Really, human nature is much too complex and mulit-layered to sum up with such a simple statement. Of course, he hasn't instantly become a devious, untrustworthy, pathological liar!! Keep your cool, keep your logic and reason. You sound like you've got a good solid relationship. Try to focus on all the things you're getting right, don't dwell too much on the relatively small thing that's not quite to your liking. Look at it as perhaps a rather common, largely harmless little 'weakness' of the male character perhaps? And like adviceman49 said, we males do tend to respond strongly to the visual stimulus, women tending to respond more to the intellectual ('ideas' rather than pictures). Does reading a romantic and/or sexually explicit novel entail a woman being unfaithful to her partner? Of course not!! Any help??
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If you are otherwise happy in your relationship, then his occasional porn habit should be something you politely ignore. You seem to know that it's not ruining your marriage at all.
It's okay for you to not like porn, but clearly, he does. Most men, good parents and partners and good people, enjoy pornography. Most people, men and women, have absolutely no problem understanding the porn is fantasy, similar to a romance novel, and still enjoy the real sex and intimacy they have with their actual partner.
The only problems here are that
A.) He wont just stand up and admit that he enjoys it, and sees nothing wrong with it, and
B.) you think that because you don't like it, he must stop.
There is no reason to think his behaviour is an addiction. Pornography only becomes compulsive when people risk their jobs, or ignore their other responsibilities for the sake of watching porn. There is nothing wrong with him, or with you. It's simply a disagreement the two of you have.
It's okay for partners to disagree about pornography, but your opinion that porn is bad or makes you feel bad, doesn't automatically trump his opinion that it's okay, and that he enjoys it.
The simple truth is pretty much every guy out there watches porn. The ones who never cheat watch porn. The great dads watch porn. The men who are helplessly in love with their girlfriend or wife, also watch porn. It's not a reflection on you, or your relationship, it's a reflection of the fact he is human being and has the kinds of interests in sex that virtually all human beings have, and that men can easily and causally engage with through porn.
You don't need to understand why he does it. Maybe it will never make sense to you, but if he otherwise a good husband and a good partner, why torture yourself over this difference of opinion?
If porn upsets you, then he is doing a respectful thing by hiding it from you. You can do the equally respectful thing, but not going hunting for it. I don't think that's an ideal arrangement, but it works for a lot a couples who have the same disagreements about porn that you and your husband have.
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First things first; the males of our species are very visual. Porn satisfies the need for visual stimulation. Frankly a wife could parade a platoon of naked women through the house daily and most husbands, I'd venture up to 95% would still look at porn. Fact is it is hard to get away from porn as it is, in soft porn all around us. Ad agencies use soft porn to sell just about everything from After Shave to Wax for the car.
Speaking of sales heavy on soft porn; let's look at the Victoria Secrets yearly TV Show. Any guess to the demographics of who makes up the largest percentage of viewers are. Males in the 18 to 49 age bracket. Strangely right after the show these are the same customers who make up the largest percentage of customers for what was shown on the broadcast which just barely, no pun intended, meets the censors approval for the hour it is broadcast in.
Your husband�s looking at porn is no reflection on you. There is nothing you did, didn't do, could do or could not do that would change why he looks at porn. Even though I am old enough to be your grandfather I believe I can say that young boys have not changed. Our interest in porn starts at an early age. When I was young we started out swiping the old man's copy of Playboy. Today it is Mayfair and other magazines. This is a young man's first introduction to the opposite sex. How he learns about the opposite sex and it grows from there.
Parents today still tell their children about the birds and the bees but we still do not tell them how to make love. For boys they learn initially how to make love from watching porn. Sure, and I will get kicked out of the boys club for this one, we are somewhat inept at first even after all the porn watching. We really do not learn how to make love until we meet the woman we want to make a life with and learn how to make love to her.
Yes I have been a little blunt here and apologize if I offended you. Though my advice to you on this is to not be offended by your husband�s porn watching. He has been doing so for a much longer time than he has known you and it is part of who he is, who you have come to love. He is not trying to disrespect you with his porn watching.
The fact that he comes home every evening has dinner with you and sleeps in your bed with you. That the two of you have an active and enjoyable sex life is really all that is needed in a happy marriage.
You might consider what my wife said to me when we first married and adopt it. She told me; "I could look at the menu all I wanted; but if I tried to reorder she would cut off a very important appendage of mine. This included looking at porn. We will be married 43 years come July.
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Hey,
This is really interesting because many of my friends and family friends have gone through this. I know it looks bad and it's not you or him. A lot of males actually look at porn - it's not because they aren't attracted to you or want to have sex with you. It's a fact that males think about sex more than females do.
But because you have explained to him how you have felt multiple times and he says he won't do it again - maybe he has a slight 'porn addiction' and just can't stop watching it?
Not trying to scare you or anything but it is something that you could look at?
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