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I can't let him in but I dont want to lose him.
Hi I am 21 years old. When i was younger I was molested. Its a terrible memory and something I struggle and deal with to this day. I have tried therapist after therapist but i am always on edge and nervous and have anxiety through the roof. 2 years ago I met the most amazing man. We tried our hardest to have a relationship but I struggle with letting him in. It doesnt make sense but I trust him, my anxiety takes off and pushes him away though. He finally said he couldnt handle it anymore and until I worked on it and made progress we couldnt't be together. He means the world to me. But as hard as i try nothing works. Any suggestions?
Thanks in advanced!
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
What you went through was an awful and psychologically damaging experience. This is why every civilised culture acts to the best of it's ability to protect the young and to prevent the offenders from doing any more harm. By keeping them away from the vulnerable and monitoring known offenders. This 'amazing man' is perhaps the first, most important step in you coming to terms with your ordeal. He's right here, providing the motivation. Therapy is not, sadly a golden key or an instant fix. I wish it was. It is a two way thing, a relationship between therapist and subject. He (or she) can only 'meet you half way' as it were. The other half you have to provide. It's in your hands. Now dig deep. What happened to you is in the past, in the physical sense. Are you going to let what this vile creature did to you impact on your future happiness? Are you going to let him hurt you all over again? Are you going to let him win? NO. YOU ARE NOT. Try to 'replay' some of your therapy sessions. Try to let the ideas you discussed take root, and grow. You have the spur now, the motive. Seek further sessions if you need to, this time you have your lovely new potential partner as the goal. You might take much more away from them this time. Despite everything, you feel a trust in this man. This is such a precious thing, believe me. So many other emotions can be fleeting, deceptive....without trust. So come on, step by step, start making choices NOW that will work towards putting you back where you want to be. Where you deserve to be. Include him IN of course. Don't rush to force the relationship too far too soon. How about a regular little 'progress meeting', as you might say? Where you just sit and talk about all the things you're learning about yourself, how you're feeling. Keep your meetings informal. At home, over a glass of wine, or dinner, or both. It is hard to 'let him in' as you put it? I know. You've had your confidence, your trust in men, and maybe also in the whole 'fairness' of life in general, shaken to the very core. Step by step we rebuild it. Know also that 'relapse is part of recovery' in many cases, and don't give up. You WILL get there! X
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Would I be correct in assuming the molester was a close family member or neighbor or friend of the family. Would I also be correct if I said at the time you were thought to be too young to make an issue out of this and never really had any help or closure.
I say this because you are not the first young lady to write us with this problem. None of us are doctors and with something as serious as this we would not consider offering a suggestion for every situation is different and needs professional advice.
There is a National organization that has helped many women just like you find the right professionals in your hometown to help you. Not every psychologist or social worker has the proper training to deal with what you are dealing with. This organization can put you in touch with the right people and work with you to bring closure to what happened to you. It may not, as we have seen on the news of late,not be too late to bring sexual assault charges against the person who molested you. If you can this will go a long way in bring you the closure you need to move forward.
The organization I am talking about is called RAINN. RAINN stands for, Rape, Abuse, Incest, National Network. They have a 24/7 hotline you can call which is 1-800-656-HELP. Buy calling this number your call is routed to a crisis center close to you. The call is totally confidential and the people who answer the phones are professionals trained to be able to help you.
Please call them, I know they can and will help you. To do so you have to make the call.
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More therapy.
I know that isn't the answer you want, but it's the only real answer out there. By far, the most effective thing for managing anxiety, is therapy. Specifically Cognitive Behavioural Therapy has been proven to be the most effective kind to address ongoing anxiety issues.
A therapist isn't just a person you hire like you'd hire a maid or rent a car - it's a relationship. It's totally fine to see a therapist once or twice and say to them "Look, you aren't the right therapist for me. Can you recommend another?"
I saw three before I found one I had a good vibe with. I was lucky it only took three, and that I was younger and my mother really encouraged me to choose the therapist I wanted to work with, not just the one she choose for me.
So, start shopping around for therapist again. Yes, it can be disappointing and difficult and really exhausting, but it's the only reliable way. To get the results, you've got to do the work.
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