|
CONFUSED... about what gender to date and have sex with.
17F
So let's just start out by saying I'm a lesbian. Well at least I think I am. When I first came out, I came out as bisexual only later to feel no strong connection towards guys at all. I am physically and emotionally attracted to females. I am also demisexual, meaning I can't pursue sex in a relationship until the romantic/connection aspect is there.
So here is my problem. I am attracted to guys as well. Physically, and depending on the guy, emotionally/mentally as well. The only reason why I wouldn't pursue a relationship with a guy is because I don't think I could have sex with one. I mean people have said when you're actually having sex it doesn't matter, but if I could only deal with male genitalia during sex, that would create a bad sexual connection.
The reason why I bring this up is because lately there is one guy who has caught my eye. A bit older, artist, cute and has a great personality. I've gotten the hint that he's into me and as much as I want to pursue it, I don't know if I can.
Do you think I'd be more comfortable with sexual aspects of a relationship with a guy if a romantic connection were to happen? Or do you think I'd be better off just dating girls?
So confused.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
There are two things that stand out to me in what you have written. First: is you wrote that you are "demisexual," yet you also write you have a physical attraction to a person in this case a guy. This does not fit the true definition of demisexual. Second: You write; "I'm a lesbian, well at least I think I am."
The medical science behind being a Lesbian or Gay today says people are born this way. Being gay is not something you decide to be. If you are a true Lesbian you would have known this long before you reached puberty. Some young people feel that they age lesbians or gay because their first sexual experience was or still is with the same sex. Most teenagers experience their first sexual experience with the same sex. This does not make them gay or bisexual.
For a female to fear the male penis is quite normal as well. There are many reasons for this. Most are how you were raised and what your mother has told you. Some mothers have been known to put the fear of life itself into their daughters over what a male penis can do to them, the pain it can cause them if they have sex when they are young.
I will admit a male’s penis is not the most beautiful thing in the world and it is probably not meant to be. It has a function and in a healthy male it functions properly. Now of course I am speaking an s a male and some women may disagree with me. To me speaking as a male a women's vagina is a most beautiful thing. Again I am sure there are women out there who will disagree with me.
You have labeled yourself a lesbian something I believe you are not. You may be a bisexual person but you cannot yet put that label on yourself. In fact what I believe you are is someone who is still trying to figure out just what her sexuality is.
There is nothing wrong if you find that, after experiencing sex with both males and females, that you go both ways. There are many bisexuals out there who have full active sex lives and a rich full life with a husband and children.
I am not recommending you go and have intercourse with a young male. Given your age I would suggest since you have waited this long you can wait until you are of legal age and full entitled to a sex life to engage in intercourse with a man. In the meantime there are things a guy and a girl can do that is just short of intercourse that will allow you to become comfortable with the male penis.
There is also nothing wrong with telling you partner of you fear or concern. IF he truly loves you and is not just lusting for you, he will be a careful and trusting lover and give you the time you need to get comfortable with him.
]
I agree with the others that you should stay open to discovering new things about your sexuality and sexual interests, and not feel to beholden to labels. Especially not l a label like demisexual, because the definition you've offered here for that term is not quite correct. Labels can be helpful when it comes to explaining ourselves to others, but they can also be a trap you fall into when you become too attached to an idea of your own sexuality, rather than experiencing it, and being honest about that experience.
I also think you shouldn't date someone if you the idea of their genitals wigs you out, or makes you think it'll be fundamentally a "bad sexual connection'.
It's just not fair, or respectful, to get involved with someone if you know, or even just highly suspect, there are things that are inherent to their body that are deal-breakers for you.
Do you think you'd be more comfortable with sexual aspects of a relationship with a guy, if a romantic connection were to happen first?
Honestly, no. I doubt that very much. I think adviceman is utterly wrong in his advice on that point (and suffering from a whole heap of unconscious heteronormative bias to boot). You don't NEED to experiment with penises to know if you like them or not, and that's not a particularly respectful way to treat a guy to imagine you do. I believe that most people have a pretty good idea if they would ever want to consider having sex with a particular person or not after only a few interactions. When it comes to what kind of bodies interest us, we often know ourselves better than we give ourselves credit for. Listen to you gut. If your gut is say "Penises are NOT for me." then as much as you may enjoy a guy's company, respect him enough to let him know where you stand on the subject.
Unless you are interested in a guy who doesn't want a sexual relationship at all, ever, then it's not the guy for you - not based on the information you've got right now at least.
Maybe your opinion on penises will change, but I honestly and very strongly believe that it is not going to change for that one special guy or because you just like him sooo much or because he's such a gentle and caring lover. That's just not realistic or borne out by common experiences. Most people who enter into relationships hoping to find their partner sexually attractive once they have built a romantic relationship, end up deeply disappointed. They say the heart knows what it wants - but the heart has nothing on the libido. The libido KNOWS what it wants when it wants it, and there is very little tricking it into thinking otherwise.
The truth is you've got millions of opportunities each day for to become sexually excited by men's bodies, without being in a relationship with a guy or experimenting with one. Either one of those opportunities will hit home with you, or none ever will, but until one does, IF one ever does, I think you should stick to dating people who have the general physical characteristics you find attractive. If those people are girls, then stick to them.
]
Completely agree with you reply so far, re. soak up experiences with an open mind. Try not to pre-define your sexuality and thus let the assumption determine your experiences. Instead, let your experiences define and determine your sexuality. You're putting the cart in front of the horse a bit I think?? You've identified the fact that you will only find a physical relationship (with either a guy or a girl) really satisfying and enjoyable when there is already a strong emotional connection in place. A pre-determined 'mind-set' will act as a significant barrier if you let it. Reinforcing the belief 'I am a lesbian' for instance, will not give the chap you're feeling attracted to much of a chance. It won't help the emotional connection you need arise and develop, will it? Try not to think of your sexuality as 'absolute' (something you must determine and fix for all-time). And remember that being bisexual does not necessarily entail pursuing relationships with both sexes simultaneously. The 'male partner who does (or alternatively does not) mind you having emotional/sexual liaisons with girl-friends' is not the only scenario. In fact, if you were committed strongly to say, a particular female friend the relationship may be entirely exclusive. Leaving no need or desire for 'another romantic connection' be it male or female. So, in essence, don't try to 'label yourself' at all.
]
I am confused too dear. In the first paragraph you say "feel no strong connection towards guys at all" and in the 2nd paragraph, "I am attracted to guys as well." You clarify saying you are attracted to guys physically, and sometimes emotionally and mentally all of which in my opinion is needed for there to be a strong connection which at first you said you don't have for guys.
Considering you are just 17, you have many years, 10 maybe more before deciding who to settle on for a long term mate and whether they will be male or female. I see no problem with pursueing both sex's. I have known some bi-sexual women. I can't think of a single one who had many males as sex partners with whom there was a connection, only one, a long term boyfriend or more usually, a husband. They had anywhere from one to two steady female love partners besides the husband. But some had no girl in particular and would date several at once. So if you think it might be odd to have the kind of relationship you want and have it with one guy, yet be attracted mostly to women, it can work. Don't automatically rule out guys.
How do I know this all? I am not bi but attended a swing club with my ex years ago. Bi women went there with their husbands. They played with women there or at least met them there. With all those men available, not a single one wanted to have sex with any other male other than their husband. They as a rule did not like men at all, it was only some strange coincidence where they came to love and trust and enjoy just the one man but have great attraction to many females. Perhaps in time you will discover this is the case for you too. I wouldn't worry about it. Like I said, you have a long time to experience and figure things out. There's no rush. Enjoy whatever comes your way that catches your eye.
So this means, if you decide to talk to the guy and he asks to date you, you must be open and honest and tell him what you are feeling and what you aren't sure of and can't promise him anything, etc. When a girl may be lesbian or bi but is still in the stages of figuring it out, it's best to be honest and say so. If he can;t handle it, he's too immature for you anyway's. If they are insecure about their selves as males sexually, or have too big an ego, it wont sit right, wondering why you need females to satisfy your needs if you have them. As I can attest, there are plenty of men who have no problem having a bi sexual girlfriend of wife. And these men by the way, were only interested in their lady for sex, and never did anything with other women, so they were there just to support her. I know cus I kept many of these guys company just chatting for the evening while their girlfriends or wives were having some private time with other females.
So do I think you'd be more comfortable with having a relationship with a male if a romantic connection were to happen....yes I do. Do I think that at age 17 to early 20's you'll find a male who is sure enough of his own sexuality to not feel threatened to discovered that you may or may not be attracted to and wanting a relationship with a female in addition to the relationship with him. Like you, young men are also still trying to figure out what they like too. Some guys will say they find it sexy knowing you like girls too and say they have no problem with it and it may be true. But for some guys even with good intentions, in the living it out part, they find its not for them. Is there a way to know ahead of time and not get your heart broken? Probably not. It may happen the other way around once you have experienced enough of life to make your decisions what is best for you and you may be the one breaking some guys heart. But there is no other way to learn. And thats why I say to speak of all your unsureness and what you do feel up front so that going in, the guy knows already that there is a chance that he may not end up with you in the long run and is okay with it and willing to take the risk.
]
More Questions: |