Siren_Cytherea's advice column

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Q: Okay im going on my 1st date next thursday, i have blonde hair blue eyes, i need to no wat to where and wat shoes, hair (haircut) make up,...lol yea..okay get it too me soon my sn is nOt So 1nnoc3ntt thanks

*Scared*

Aww! Cool.
Just wear something cute that you feel comfortable in. Like, if you're not so crazy about the way your stomach looks or whatever, don't wear a tight shirt. You'll be really self conscious all through this date to begin with (at least, I was on my first date with my curent bf), and you don't wanna wear something that makes you even more self conscious.
Wear your makeup to accentuate your best facial features - if you really like your eyes, do some smoky eyeshadow maybe, to draw attention to them, and wear a little lip gloss. If you like your lips, wear a little lipstick and go light on your eye makeup.
As for your hair...*Shrug* Do whatever you think works well with your outfit.
I hope this helped!
-Siren =)

Q: Ok..just a couple minutes ago my friend told me that she saw my boyfriend smoking with his friends. Sure I think that him smoking is a problem..but what really makes me mad is that he told me that he stopped smoking. And the other day his friend walked up to him and goes "omg dude! you were like drunk last night" and he told me that he didn't know what he was talking about. But now that my friend saw him smoking I don't know what to think. Should I believe her and just ask him about it..or what? Dang I'm so confused

I would ask him about it, if I were you. Someone's lying to you, and you have to hear both sides of the story before deciding who it is.
I mean, if my boyfriend told me he stopped smoking and I found out he didn't through a friend, I'd confront him about it. I'd ask him what was going on, and tell him to tell me the truth, and promise to try not to get mad. I'd be more mad if I found out he was lying than if I found out he was smoking.
Anyway, I do think you should talk to him about it. Ask him what's going on. This situation's icky and needs to be cleared up, I think.
I hope this helped!
-Siren =)

Q: Ok well i'm 13 and i was getting to know this girl. She just broke up with her bf. And she told me that she liked me. C the thing is i didn't know her that well and i started to try and talk to her more. I was starting to like her but i've only seen her once and only talk to her online. But i started to like her. Only i just started talkin to her 4 days ago. So i told her that i wasn't gonna ask her out until i got to know her better. The problem is now she's goin out with another guy. Is there somthin wrong with me should i have asked her out?

Plz Help

Maybe you should ask her what happened. To me, it sounds like she just wanted a guy to fill the void.
It's totally understandable that you wouldn't wanna sk her out until you got to know her better. You can still get to know her better if you want to, just as friends.
But if I were in your situation, I would ask her what happened. She says she likes you, but when you tell her you wanna have a friendship of sorts before a relationship, she goes and grabs another guy? That's not cool.
I hope this helped!
-Siren =)

Q: i like 2 guys...nathan and michael. I think i would have a better chance asking michael out, but i barely see him at school, and i like nathan more. i eat lunch with nathan and whatever other guys we decide to go talk to. we always have so much fun and we're always laughing. i've liked him longer than michael...and every time i think about him i get all tingly inside. i thought about him alot in 3rd period today, and i did it so much that the tingling began to hurt :). but....anyway...should i ask out michael or nathan?

sorry that was so confusing.

if you need more info, let me know and i'll put it up.

Since you like Nathan more, I'd go for him. I mean, if you ask Michael out and he says yes, you'd probably still like Nathan, and it's just not cool to date someone while you have a crush on someone else.
I'd definitely say ask Nathan out. You two already have a strong friendship, and if he has feelings for you like you do for him, that can only be a good relationship.
I hope this helped!
-Siren =)

Q: My friend is having a birthday/sleepover party this weekend. Problem is..I dont like sleeping over anybody`s house (just a problem I have) I do sometimes though..but i reeally dont like it. Plus, the friends shes inviting are people i dont know at all.Please help, i dont want to go to this party..what should i say to my friend? I really dont feel comfortable sleeping over someone`s house ive never been to before.My friend, whos going to be there, knows about my problem and im afraid shes going to tell.Should I make up a dumb excuse or admit my problem and jus hang at her house til like 10? I really dont wanna hurt my friends feelings or embarass myself.
Thank you soo much for the help in advance!!!

If I were in your shoes, I'd just admit my problem and hang out as late as you want to. Making a dumb excuse is like lying, and lying to your friens generally isn't a good thing. I also just hate the idea of lying, but...
I mean, you have every right not to like to stay over at people's houses. You can just tell her you "really don't feel comfortable sleeping over someone's house" you've never been before. She shouldn't have a problem with that.
I hope this helped!
-Siren =)

Q: ok i love my boyfriend but i havent told him yet bc i know he doesnt feel the same way about me. what do i do? do i tell him how i feel anyway? thanx!

Normally, I would say "Speak your mind! You should always tell him what's going on up there because he can't read your mind, as much as I'm sure he'd like to."
However, I know it to be a fact that a lot of guys cannot handle the "L" word. Love.
You COULD tell him what you're thinking and feeling for him, but you might risk scaring him away. Believe it or not, it IS possible to do that to a guy you're actually dating. Be careful with this.
However, you might also tell him and it might just strengthen your relationship. You never know!
The final decision is obviously yours, but I hoped this helped!
-Siren =)

Q: I've been thinking of growing a mustache and goatee.
I was just wondering though.....do girls like that or is it generally a turn-off?

I hate facial hair on guys, really. So I'm gonna call mustaches/goatees a major turn off. At least, for me.
I think it draws attention away from guys' otherwise (possibly) good looks. My boyfriend used to have a goatee, but you know...it gets kind of icky to kiss after awhile. Scratchy, y'know? He shaved it off, and I think he looks a LOT better without it. But that's just my opinion.
-Siren =)

Q: hey guys! does anyone have any really cute unique babie names for (both boy and girl) that you like/kno of?! i need help thinkin of some very cute ones for my sister-in-law! i'm going to be a aunt! please answer quick.. ill rate high! :)

I'm a biiiig fan of unusual names. I write stories/books - I'll give you the names of my main characters:
Girls:
Iris
Isis
Lexi
Aradia
Serafina (Sera)
Azra
Maeve
Aria
Calixte (Cali)
Lyndsi (That's just a twist on Lindsay I created)
Cassandra
Kerri

Boys:
Nicodemus
Treaven (don't think it means anything...I made that one up.)
Neal
Kaden
Caine
Nathan (not unusual, but I like the name)
Sebastian
Caden
Marc

I'm missing a few guys, but I can't think of them off the top of my head...Hope ya like these!
-Siren =)

Q: my moms boyfriend molested me.. and im really scarred for life!! i told my mom about it.. but she thinks its fine and that it happens to alot of girls.. she doesnt understand how freaked out i was and AM! i think we should go to therapy but i dont no how that would help.. what should i do?

Okay, first of all, it is NOT fine that he molested you. Just because it happens to a lot of girls does NOT make it okay, and she needs to know that. If you want to go to therapy, insist on it. Tell her she may think it's fine that her boyfriend molested you, but you certainly don't, and you want to go to therapy.
That guy should not be around you. He should be reported...
I hope this helped!
-Siren =)

Q: What are some good topic starters for meeting a guy? I go to a girls school so I don't get to meet them that often. But if I see a guy in public, what should I do to get him to talk to me (Or what should I say to talk to him) Without looking like a fool? What are your strategies for meeting a guy you don't know? Also, what are some good tips on what NOT to do? Thanks!

Meeting a guy you don't know...
Well, the first thing to do is to initiate a conversation. Don't wait for him to talk to you. If you wanna talk, open your mouth!
Just say hi, or if you're outside, comment on the nice weather, or something along those lines. (If it's raining or something you can still say that and be all sarcastic, lol)
You can talk about music, sports, whatever you're into.
Hope this helped a li'l!
-Siren =)

Q: OMG!! I really can't take this anymore! Ok well all my friends and all are like you changed blah blah!! ANd i dont get the bigg deal it not like they havent changed either! Just cuz im turnin a lil Skater !!! I dont get the big deal and im really sick and tired of it .. what should i do and i tried talkin 2 them but it doesnt work at all !! Please Help me !! I dont kno what i wanna do and i feel like ______
Signed
FED UP!

It's just your style of clothing that changed, kind of?
People need to understand that clothes don't make a person or a personality. Just because I wear a lot of black doesn't mean I'm not currently the happiest girl in the world. I mean, I'm known for wearing black jeans and black shirts and studded belts one day, and wearing a pink shirt with a khaki skirt the next. Lol.
Try talking to them again. Point out to them that everyone changes. If you didn't change, life would be boring...Besides, they can't tell you how to dress, or how to act.
If they they can't accept your changes, and who you're turning into, they're probably not very good friends, I'm sorry to say. They need to be aware of what they're doing.
I hope this helped!
-Siren =)

Q: In December my dad lost his job. But about a month later became self employed. By then my mom had been suspecting that hes cheating on her... now my mom has confroted him about it((about 3 months ago)) and he has admitted to having a "friendship" whith the lady.He tells my mom that hes nothin with her JUST friends. So my mom asked him to please tell her to stop callin and to just loose all contact.Thing is my mom tells me everything and my dad has always been a role model to me... well mom and i went to his work when he wasnt there and set up a caller id well we found out that shes still callin at like 1am and 2am when hes sopposly painting a car. Sometimes dad doesnt come home till 3 or so. I see how this effects my mom who literally does EVERYTHING in the house and it makes me ANGRY! She crys constantly only shes like me and shell hide before she crys. Well ive been catching her and it hurts me soo much soo then i get really mad at my dad and sometimes all i want to do is Scream in his face and kick him out of the house! I want to tell him to please leave the lady hes having an affair with but i dont know how i dont want him gettin mad at me. Thats when my whole "indenil" stage pops up! i start to think that hes not and when she brings it up i get fusturated and ignore her or justr say some rude comment. Which makes her cry more! I just wanna know what to do without making my dad mad and my mom cry... should i write him a letter telling him how i feel???? ALSO my mom says she doesnt want me talkin to him about it but its effect my relationship with him... WHAT THE HECK DO I DO?
Ps. i have a boifriend and hes really supportive about this he gives me a shoulder to cry on and a ear to listen to me with but i feel like i cant be happy with my mom goin through her problems cause i feel like im rubbing it in her face HELP ME.....

Backed up in a corner

Aww, honey, that's awful...
I really think you should talk to your dad and just tell him exactly what's on your mind. I know your mom doesn't want you to, but I think you need to step in.
It's hurting your mom, and it's hurting you. You might have to tell him you know about the late night phone calls, but I don't think that's necessary.
He needs to stop doing this. All it's doing is hurting his family.
Your dad might get mad, but the way I see it, you have every right to speak your mind, and every right to be just as mad as he might get.
You could write a letter to him, if you'd feel more comfortable doing that than talking to him face-to-face.
I hope this helped, and I hope things work out!
-Siren =)

Q: okay people..im ready to tell my BF i love him..and i would juss like to hear a few of ur guys times when u first told ur BF/GF u loved em..i wanna hear the REALLY cute stories that juss make ur heart melt..

Well, the first time my boyfriend told me he loved me, we'd been dating about a month. I told him "don't ever say that to me unless you mean it," and he said "But I do." I kinda stared at him, then said "oh..."
At the time, I was trying hard not to actually fall for him, and he was okay with that. He didn't try to make me say it, and he didn't put any pressure on me. The whole not falling for him thing? Yeah, it really didn't work.
Then on Christmas, he brought me to his house to meet his family for the first time, and he and I ended up cuddling/making out *Cough* in his room. I was just staring into his eyes at one point, thinking, and I said "I love you."
I hadn't even meant to say it. It just slipped out, but it felt right to say it. He said "I love you, too," and kissed me...definitey one of the best holidays I've had. Lol.
-Siren =)

Q: Okay, well i really love show choir, it might sound dorky to some people but i LOVE it. So now im going to a HUGE high school, and theres not many freshman that make it into my schools show choir group, so at my audition i want to be able to sing REALLY good. I dont really need a private teacher right now, and i sing a whole bunch, but does any body know any good tips for me to make me become a better singer?

If you want to improve your technique, you really do need a private teacher.
I had raw talent when I was younger, but I started voice lessons in 8th grade, and because my teacher was able to help me with technique, I can sing opera, and I sound good.
If you want to become a better singer, you need someone who IS a better singer to teach you.
But if you're just looking for little things to help you right before your audition, drink a LOT of water, don't drink any milk, or eat anything that has milk in it.
Try ricola cough drops - like the original, natural flavor. My old choir teacher gave me that trick, and I still use it. It still works.
Hope this helped!
-Siren =)

Q: whenever i talk with my friends and stuff and they gossip about "ooh so and so got to this base"... im always kind of the one who is wondering... "what does that mean"... like im not SLOW in that department i just wanna know what each base means (no im not talking about baseball)... im not super young, ive heard just different explanations of the bases and i wanna know THE ULTIMATE BASE LINGO. if you catch my draft ;O)... thanks for whoever gives advice!
-signed, catchmeup

They were explained to me flatly this way:
1 - French (kissing)
2 - Feel (making out - waist up)
3 - Finger (...waist down. Lol)
4 - F*ck (Sex)
Hope this helped clarify!
-Siren =)

Q: How do you know that you're in love. I've liked this guy since the beginning of the school year and my friends think he likes me back. He's had several girlfriends but the "dating time" never really lasts long. Lately I've been thinking about him a lot and everytime a hear a song...I automatically think of him. What is love? And how do you know that you're in it?

What is love?
That has to be the single hardest question to answer, ever. It's different for every person, I think. I knew I was really in love when I actually said "I love you," and I hadn't meant to. It just kinda slipped out, but it felt right.
Love is technically just a bunch of confusing emotions and chemicals mixing in your brain.
I can picture myself with this guy forever, and he can, too. I can't picture myself ever breaking up with him, or being with anyone else. He's the guy I wanna be with for the rest of my life...that's love, to me.
It might be different to you, but you asked, so...Lol
If he likes you back, cool! Mutual crushes that turn into relationships are great.
I hope this helped!
-Siren =)

Q: How do I get more people to ask my column for advice? I have answered a couple random questions, but how do I get people to ask me directly or more or at all? Any Advice welcome!

There's no way to get people to ask you specifically for advice, really. Just answer questions and give good advice. If people like your advice and/or the way you answered their question, they'll come to you.
-Siren =)

Q: i had sex like a few months ago...well ive gotten my period since..and its been on a regular schedual but this month it hasnt come...i havent got it!! im freaking out!! it usually comes at the verrrry end of every month n goes into the begining of the new month but this month is hasnt!! =( could i be pregnant since ive already had my period about 2-3 times since ive had sex?? =\

It's highly unlikely that you'd be pregnant if you had sex a few months ago and have had your period a couple of times. Do you keep track of 28 days or so with a calendar? Your periods might be irregular, too, if you're youngish. Stress about this, also, might cause your period to be late. If you're REALLY worried, get a home pregnancy test from the local drug store and check it out.
I doubt you're pregnant, though, judging by what you've told us.
Hope this helped!
-Siren =)

Q: Ok..i'm a freshman in high school and i never kissed a girl before, but i have the feeling that this is gonna be the year that i get my first kiss. I'm scared that i'll do it wrong or something and i don't know where to put my hands. Any advice?

Aww! Sorry, it's cute. Lol. Well, when you find the right girl, just be gentle about the kiss. Put your hands on her waist, or wrap your arms around her gently - hers will probably go around your neck.
Or you can just hold her hands. I think that's how my current bf first kissed me...we were holding hands. Then we did the whole arm-wraparound thing. Lol.
You can't go wrong as long as your lips are relaxed and you don't use tongue on the first kiss! Kissing comes really naturally, though, so really - don't worry about it. ^_^
-Siren =)

Q: We are constantly getting into petty arguments, that escalate until he is angry and I am upset, sometimes to the point of tears. He blames me, saying I go on too much about things, and I blame him because I feel he doesn't listen or respond to anything I say, or he belittles me and my point of view. He says I belittle him too. I don't really know where to begin but to explain what happened today. We were going out to lunch with our 5-year-old daughter and as we were leaving, he suggested a fish and chips restauraunt called "Tugboat". At first, I agreed, but after we got in the car I said "I really don't feel like fish and chips. Can we go somewhere that has other choices?" I don't recall if he even responded. So I suggested three fast-food places that have fish and chips and other choices as well. He said "I don't want to eat fast food, " in this very hostile tone of voice like I was stupid for suggesting it. I went on to explain that there are heathly things he could get there too, like salad, and that the place he wanted to go was fast food and not healthy anyway. He did not acknowlege my valid point and continued to make negative remarks. He said that he didn't want to eat salad. I said ok then, but they have fish and chips, which is what you said you wanted." Then he got more angry and denied that he said he wanted that. I pointed out that the restaurant he wanted to go to only served that and little else. I explained again that I was just trying to be fair and pick a place we would all be happy with. He just told me to shut up and that he wanted to go home. I couldn't figure out what he was so upset about. Maybe I overexplained my point of view, but I was getting no response from him. At one point, he drove to one of the fast-food places I suggested and said in a very nasty tone "Here is the place you wanted to go. Are you happy now?" No, I wasn't, because I didn't like his attitude, and I said "If you don't want to eat here, just tell me where you'd like to go?" He refused to answer, so I angrily got out of the car and started to walk away, telling him he was being a jerk. I ended up getting back in the car and he told me I was a psycho. I said I wouldn't be acting like this if he didn't treat me like my ideas were stupid, and refuse to tell me where he wanted to go. We then went through the drive-thru of another restaurant, three times, and he kept getting out of the line because I was upset and wanted to talk to him about how I felt. Our daughter was really hungry, as was I, and was getting really upset. Finally, we ended up at a nice restaurant and I calmed down enough to go in, and we had a good lunch, but barely talked. I was still upset and angry. All this took about a hour of wasted time driving around. He still never acknowleged that he was wrong to not respond to me when I asked him where he wanted to go. He did apologise for belittling my suggestions, though, and I admitted that I tend to go on about things, but only if I feel that he is not understanding or acknowledging me. I know that I'm partially responsible for these petty arguments. but I don't know how to change this destructive pattern. My husband just wants to "drop it" and it never gets resolved. We argued about this and many other petty things over and over again and I just want it to stop. I love my husband and I know that he loves me, but sometimes it feels like we are enemies at war, and this is not a good example for our daughter. Also, I am 4 months pregnant, and the stress is not good for me or the baby. Help! And please don't suggest divorce. I am determined to do whatever it takes to save our marriage. Please tell me objectively what each of us is doing wrong. Thanks

I don't think this problem is big enough for divorce. It's normal for married couples to bicker about little things - god knows my parents do, all the time. It drives me nuts, but when they're not bickering, they're really cute. Lol - and have big fights sometimes.
I'm not sure anyone can tell you exactly what you're doing wrong, but I can tell you that it's a communication problem.
I suggest you sit down and talk to your husband about your obvious need to compromise more. Explain to him that you don't like to bicker/fight/argue/whatever you wanna call it, and you would like to be able to compromise when you have differences in opinion.
The first problem I see is your husband jumping down your throat. It was good that you tried to compromise because you wanted something other than fish and chips by suggesting other options. Your husband should not have snapped at you about that.
I really think you need to tell him he needs to work on his compromising skills. You both seem to have a bit of a short temper, which could make this a little difficult, but if you're determined - both of you - to fix this, then it can be fixed.
When you have differences of opinion and see it leading to an argument, stop for a second and say aloud "okay, how can we compromise and fix this without getting into a fight?"
That's pretty much how my boyfriend and I have managed to be in a solid relationship for over 9 months without a single argument. We compromise before we argue about it.
Relationships - ALL relationships require a little work and sacrifice to make them...well, work. They're really give-and-take. You have to sacrifice a little before you can get anywhere.
If you need more advice, feel free to talk to me. I really hope this helped on some level!
-Siren =)

bio

I'm a laid-back 26 year old with a Psychology BA, starting my MA program, and working my way into the field as quickly as I can. It took me an extra Bachelor's degree (in vocal performance and creative writing) to figure it out, but I was put on this Earth to help, to heal, and to love.

I have made the decision to dedicate my life and career to helping others. I am here to do just that.

I've been a member since 2004, and since I signed up, I've gone through quite a lot and learned quite a lot from it. I'm here to give guidance where I had none; no one should have to go through the difficulties I went through alone.

Feel free to visit my website/blog, if you want to read my experience with domestic violence and my thoughts on it.

***While I do tend to answer mental health and other health-related or medicine-related questions, I am by NO MEANS a licensed physician or practitioner of any sort. Any and all advice I give for these questions is from my own experience or studies.***

If you need to get a hold of me quickly, my screen name on AIM is SirenCytherea. Just let me know you found me here.

I'm a strong believer in the idea that there are no stupid questions except the ones left unasked, so, please, keep an open mind, heart, and mouth.

Siren