I'm not here to tell you what to think or do, but to give you as much honest, accurate information as possible. If I don't know an answer to a specific question, I'll research it before replying. I won't sugarcoat things; my job is to tell it like it is.
I've got a particular interest in sexual health and sexuality. I know a lot about fertility and pregnancy - and firsthand now, as I've just had twins. I'm also an accredited sexual health worker.
Gender: Female
Occupation: Counsellor, writer, mother of twins.
Age: 31
Member Since: August 9, 2004
Answers: 1493
Last Update: November 5, 2009
Visitors: 173035
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Okay, for starters, I'm 30, male.
I've been with my girlfriend for over 6 years, she's such a sweet person and I love her, but you know the excitement of the beginning has faded.
Now there's this girl, she's our common friend and she's amazingly beautiful, she's something special. What's amazing is that she never had a stable relationship although she certainly would like to.
Now I feel something changing inside me, my way of thinking about this other girl; can it be love? I don't really know, because we're pretty different and I don't think we could have a durable relationship, but somehow I feel an overwhelming attraction for her, and I DO know sex with her would be incredible.
Being such a sensitive person as I am, I am going through a horrible time, the only thing positive being my loss of appetite; my gf has noticed it and I and I have more or less dismissed it as a temporary situaton because of work, friends and all (it's been a hard year in those aspects), but she's probably thinking there may be a relationship problem behind this.
Now what to do? Shall I tell her? this could destroy our friendship, and I would really regret that (I guess it depends on how sympathetic and understanding a person you are), but I know I could give her some of the love and attention she deserves... I am also thinking about telling my girlfriend, she deserves sincerity, but who knows where this could bring us... At the moment I am thinking about telling the other girl, just to get it off my chest; she will probably reject me, but keeping it inside is hurting me. Telling my gf is in my mind too, but I'm not sure about it.
I can't help but feel this mixture of love and attraction/lust for her, and it's killing me. I don't believe denying it would rid me completely of her. I guess you can love two people at the same time, though I never thought I'd be in this situation myself. Damn, damn heart... (link)
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Whatever relationship you're in, after six years the initial excitement will fade. Your choice is to move through life on a string of shirt-lived relationships, always having that initial high - or to commit to someone and find new things to be excited about.
It's normal to be attracted to someone outside of your relationship - perhaps you've heard of the 'seven year itch'? People start getting a wandering eye, missing that first flush of sexual excitement, and want to try something new. It's okay to feel that way, even though it can often devestate the person who feels torn - and the relationship he/she isn't sure about.
Why not wait and see what happens? It sounds trite, and could lead to a few more months of agony for you - but this attraction could wear off. And suddenly you're girlfriend could delight you again.
Whatever you decide to do, it's important to be honest with your girlfriend first and foremost. Six years is a hefty amount of time to spend with someone, and she deserves to know what's going on. She should be involved in what is essentially the make or break of your relationship.
If you truly love your girlfriend and just want to spice things up or have better communication, couples counselling is a great thing to try. Long term relationships require a tremendous degree of thoughtfulness, commitment, and an ability to weather rough patches. Any relationship will hit this point. It's totally up to you what you decide to do at this crossroads, but I sincerely wish you the best.
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well i have been looking at all the posts on here. and i am one of the ones confused about what i want. as in girls or boys. i mean i love boys, dont get me wrong. but i have been thinking about girls. i cant experiment with anyone. all of my friends think that kissing another girl is gross and everything. but i really would like to try. i dont have anyone to try with.
any advice?
(link)
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Well, making out with someone is never as pleasureable as it would be if you really cared for the person, but I'll assume you know that already.
It's okay to question your sexuality, just as it would be perfectly okay if you were bisexual or a lesbian. These things tend to become more clear with time, and as people get older they lose a lot of their immature reactions to things that are different.
Maybe the girl you find will be a completely new person, not a friend you have a lot of history with. Hooking up with friends is always risky because it could make the friendship awkward, but if you met someone outside of your group of friends it could be more comfortable.
So join a new club at school. Spend some time places you like to be - alone. Talk to someone you might not normally approach. And most of all, just be open to people around you - the right guy or girl could be just around the corner.
Best of luck.
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hiya
recently i feel like ive been loosing my self.
ive beeen moody, snapping at my parents and self harming, ive also been considering suicide because i dont see any reason why i can continue to live. my parents split up about a month ago, im overweight, and i just feel useless. i lost my first love over ago because i realised how much i wanted to be with him after he left. i just dont know what to do any more. im 16/f and i just feel like ive lost my life already. i dream about love falling asleep under the stars with the person i love but i cant find that person to be with.
any ideas why im feeling like this and how i can stop it will get 5's.
thanx
emma
x (link)
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Well, you certainly have a lot to deal with - a breakup, your parent's divorce, self-harming, and looking for love. Anyone would feel stressed and possible depressed in that situation, so first of all don't feel alone.
Have you thought about counselling? Having a neutral person to talk to can really help - they don't know you, your family, your ex, and they won't pass judgement on you. It's a place where you get to totally only worry about your own point of view.
It's okay to feel this way. I'm not saying people WANT to feel bad, but it's inevitable that it will happen a few times in the road of life. The true question is not why you feel this way, but what you plan to do about it.
Write in a journal, see a counsellor, spend time with friends, talk to your parents, paint a picture, get a new hobby. You're bound to meet someone new to date - after all, you met your last guy. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and for every bad time there will be twenty good times making up for it.
Best of luck to you.
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i live in the US and like to do things before they get popular..
europe always seems to be ahead by a year or 2 on any trends that become popular
does anyone know whats popular there right now?
thanks! (link)
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I live in London, and everyone pretty much dresses how they want to dress - which is what makes them cool. You could have really dressed up people standing next to grungy people, and no one looks out of place. There are a lot of individuals, and that's part of why London is a cool place to live.
You realize that all trends start because one person wore something they liked and felt comfortable in, and then more people jumped on the bandwagon?
Why not start your own trends? Wear stuff because you like it and think it's fabulous!
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ok, well, my bf's friend asked me if i would make out with my bf and i said i would. you see my bf had never made out with anyone before. so when we went to the movies with him and our friends something happend. all the guys were calling him a wuss bc he has never made out before and stuff. so anyway in the middle of the movie he turns to me and says "look, i love you but i dont want to mess anything up so can i kiss you?" and i was like...um...yea ok. so he was like.."lets do it then". i felt REALLY werid. so then everyone came and sat by us so we kinda stoped talking or doing anything. so then about...i would say 10 mins past and he said "ok, i know this is gonna be akward but im sorry". so out of no where he starts to make out with me. and im not saying it was bad but it felt werid. so after 3 seconds i pulled back and said "this feels weird". and he said sorry and stoped talking. so now i feel bad. i mean, i want him to kiss me bc he wants to and bc he likes me. not bc his buddies are making fun of him! so the question is...should i tell him why i pulled away? and was it bad for me to pull away? sould i say sorry? im so confused so I BEG OF YOU! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE help me!!!!!!! theres some 5's involed : ). (link)
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It sounds like your boyfriend is aware of the pressure he's under, and he was trying to apologize before kissing/making out with you. He wouldn't have apologized if he would have thought it was really okay.
You're right - someone should kiss another person because they care for them and WANT to kiss them, not because their friends are making them do it. I think that's fine to tell your boyfriend.
And no one would feel comfortable kissing someone in front of a group of people! You've done nothing wrong. Just be upfront with your boyfriend, and hopefully you guys can find a more private place to lock lips next time.
Best of luck.
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ok so i went to florida with my ex-boyfriend who i'm still crazy in love with! we hooked up down there but we still don't go out. he says he wants to be single because you can do whatever you want. then he says he doesn't like me cuz he wants to be single! i have no clue what to think. what should i do? how do i handle this?
cRazY iN lOve x3 (link)
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Well, your ex is being pretty straightforward. He is not interested in having a relationship. He wants to be single.
At this point, you've got a choice to make. You WILL NOT date him again, because he's been pretty clear he doesn't want that to happen. So your choice is between hooking up with him every now and then, and choosing to walk away and rebuild your life.
Many people think that if they keep hooking up with someone, that special someone will realize they are meant to be together. It's a common way to think, but unfortunately it's not a good way to think. This guy wants sex, not a relationship. If you continue to mess around with him, you could end up feeling more and more depressed and confused.
Treat this as an end of a relationship, cut off contact, and find someone worth loving who will love you right back.
Best of luck.
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umm... can i practice wearing tampons like putting them in then taking them out 8 hrs later? (link)
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It's not a good idea. First of all, the blood from a period lubricates you - meaning it's easier to put a tampon in and to take it out. No blood = discomfort and possibly pain.
There is also a major problem associated with tampon use, called Toxic Shock Syndrome. It's the reason women are told to change their tampon every 4-8 hours. Leaving tampons in too long can increase your chances of getting this reaction, and using a tampon when there is no blood is a big no no.
This will increase the chances of fibres getting stuck to your vaginal walls, which again increases your chance of getting TSS.
The best thing to do is read about tampons, and then wait till you've got your period. Get light absorbency ones, made for teens, and only use them when you have a fairly steady flow of blood.
Best of luck.
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Okay me and my boyfriend have sex but the thing is we have never used a condom and I'm not on birth control. I talked to him about it before and we agreed to start using them. But that never happened...I really wish we would but I dont want to say something about it again.....what should i do? (link)
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Take charge of things. Stop having sex until your next period so you know you are not pregnant, then go see your doctor and get on birth control. Ask your doctor carefully about how long it takes for that particular form to become safe - for example, it takes one full month on the pill before it's fully effective.
Also ask your boyfriend to go out and buy condoms - and if he doesn't, then I'd say it's a safe bet he doesn't take you seriously. And the only way he'll take you seriously is if you take yourself seriously.
Right now your biggest worry is not being on birth control, but any day now that could change to facing an unplanned pregnancy. And if your boyfriend won't help prevent one, then it's doubtful he'll be there to help you figure out what to do.
This is your body, and if you're not responsible for it no one will be.
Best of luck.
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I drank last night and got tipsy. I remember everything so I wasnt really drunk. Anyways I think I have a small hangover. I feel like I'm going to throw up and I'm a little light headed. What should I do? Should I force myself to throw up to get it out of my system, should I eat or take medicine or something? Please help I really dont feel good. (link)
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Just because you can remember everything doesn't mean you weren't drunk, as your hangover testifies to!
Hangovers are a result of dehydration, so the best thing you can do for yourself is drink plenty of water. If you take it easy for the morning, keep sipping water (drinking a lot at the same time could make you sick), and relax...it should go away with time.
Time cures most things, and hangovers are no exception. Feel better!
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i'm 15 and my boyfriend and i have been going out for like a year and a half. my question is:
if your boyfriend has been ignoring you for like a month, but hasnt like hinted anything about breaking up, whut does it all mean?
- confused (link)
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Realistically? It could mean that he wants to break up with you, but isn't brave enough to do it in an upfront way.
Of course, it could also mean he's having any one of a million problems. The only way to really find out what's going on is to talk to him. And if he won't talk, then you pretty much have an answer - and you can find someone who will pay attention to you and both talk/listen when you want them to.
Best of luck.
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Just as a forewarning, this is going to be long. I write a lot. If that's a problem, stop reading right now.
I've been with my guy for nearly two years, and we're planning to get married after college.
His parents love me, his mom treats me like her daughter, I call her mom and she's fine with it. My dad likes my guy, and my guy likes my dad (they have a lot in common, actually...), I have a ring on my finger, and we hardly ever fight.
The only problem is my mother...My whole life I've always craved my mother's approval. For awhile, she was almost my idol. I admired her...but I find myself trying to ignore her now. All she does is criticize things my boyfriend does and point out all the negative things she possibly can when she knows I love him and he's proven to her several times that he loves me and truly cares for me.
A big problem is my mother's chemical sensitivity. She's allergic to quite a bit of...well, everything, really. My family can't use anything scented because scents make her sick - they give her headaches, make her nauseated, she acts drunk...
She needs to ask people who come over to our house to wash their clothes in unscented laundry detergent, to use unscented shampoo, soap, everything.
My boyfriend's not exactly...compliant. I hate having to ask people to get unscented, especially him. Call me girly, but I like the way he smells. I can't help it. It's kind of a comforting thing. So I'm not pushing the "get unscented" issue because I don't really want it to happen. However I would like him to be able to come over every so often. He doesn't seem to understand that he can't fool my mom by standing under the shower for a few minutes and that he needs to use unscented shampoo and soap to get the smell that was there off.
He thinks my mom's crazy. It offends me a little, and I've told him that. But it bothers me more that my mother seems to be trying more than anything to get me to break up with him, though she claims she's not. She told me once "get another boyfriend who'll do what we need."
How do I get her to see that I picked him, I want to marry him, and I'm not about to leave him for some prick who only loves my body?
How do I get him to be more compliant?
How do I get my mother and my fiance to get along? I've tried talking to her and I've tried talking to him. I haven't tried having them talk to each other, though. I'm not sure how much that'd help, though...they can't go out to dinner or whatever because my mother's allergic to everything. What can I do?
Please, no smartass remarks and make an effort not to use chatspeak. It confuses me, and I'll just rate you down. Thanks in advance. =) (link)
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Well, there is a compromise, but it involves you giving a little to both sides. It's fine to like how your boyfriend smells, but if it makes your mother physically sick, then he really does need to use unscented stuff before he comes over to your house.
He may think your mother is crazy because you haven't fully explained the situation - as you said you haven't pushed the issue. Perhaps he sees you taking it less seriously, and he just uses that as a way to justify his blaming your mother.
So have him wash his clothes in unscented soap. Then on days he's not going to your house, he can shower and smell himself up like usual. When he IS coming to your house, he'll just have to refrain and so will you. Your nose will be getting whiffs of him most of the time, but when he's at your house you'll have to sacrifice your nose for the sake of your mother's.
You'll need to be clear with him about why this needs to happen, why you neglected to make it happen from the start, and how it impacts on your relationship with your mother when it does not. After all, she now is starting to dislike your boyfriend because she thinks he is willfully avoiding her house rules - when in reality you haven't been as firm as you need to be.
Your mother will like him more if he bends and de-wonderful-smells himself for her. And your boyfriend will think she's not crazy if you carefully explain her medical condition and then you make sure to follow through with your actions.
Best of luck.
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Sometimes in the day I feel like water or pee is leaking out of my vagina
Is this normal? and even sometimes I get stains in my underwear. (link)
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Discharge is normal, as long as it isn't a funny colour or smelling weird. Every woman's vagina has discharge, and most women have enough discharge that some will end up on their underwear by the end of the day.
This will come out in the wash, but if it makes you physically or mentally uncomfortable, you can wear panty liners and just change them throughout the day.
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Me and my bf have been dating for 6 years and everytime he takes me out to a romanctic place and we come back home he always tries to have sex with me. I tell him sometimes I want to wait til im married. He says he understands and all but then he tries it again in a week. I mean I don't blame him for being horny but I gave him a handjob once but it was like a couple months ago. Now for some reason everytime I see him this month he seems to get depressed everytime. I ask him whats wrong and he says nothing. We still kiss and stuff but I feel like Im doing something wrong. So I gave him another handjob and have been but he still seems depressed.
Is there anything I can do to get him alittle more happier?
and don't think about saying hes gay or something (link)
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There's a very real chance his emotions could be coming from a place that's not even connected to you. He could be having family problems he's not comfortable talking about, pressure from friends or school, or any of a number of things.
If you think his attitude COULD be related to you or your relationship, then you need to talk to him. You can't do something that you assume will make him happy, especially when you aren't clear what the problem is. And using sexual contact as a way to make someone happy is never a good idea. If his happiness is totally dependent on whether or not you get him off, then something isn't right.
So have a conversation with him, and also stay true to your beliefs. If you don't want to have sex before marriage, then you shouldn't have to compromise that. It's your body, and you are the boss of what happens - hopefully this can all be sorted out by using your mouth and asking him what's wrong!
Best of luck.
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well 13 months ago my doctor said i was gonna get my period in 6 months to a year.. but then a year passed and i still hadn't gotten it.. and then i went to my physical 13 months later and the doctor said another 6 months to a year.. but ive gotten like everything such as my growth spurt pubic hair.. vaginal discharge.. etc. but im active.. cauz im a runner... but i haven't ran since the end of may cauz i have an injury.. so i know like you shouldn't want your period or w/e.. but i just wanna get it over with because all of my friends have it except me and i feel so left out.. and my best friend just hers and she says she won't feel comfortable talking about it with me until i got mine.. so i feel so bad.. when do you think i'll get mine??.. do you think i'll have to wait another year?? (link)
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It sounds as if your doctor and your body are both of the same opinion - your period will be coming relatively soon.
Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do to make it come any quicker. You just need to trust that it WILL come, and that it's normal to get your period in a really wide age range. Many young worry about getting their periods...and then they all do.
As for your best friend, why not try telling her if you are comfortable talking to her even though you don't have your period? Maybe she's worried about hurting your feelings. You could also try asking her some questions to let her know you're interested.
And try to stop stressing....it'll come.
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Hello. I don't really know how this works, but I am taking a crack at it. Lately, I have been reading many sites that teenage girls like me have been making about anorexia. Most often then not they are praising it, but I have found few who tell me to look away. I am about to be 15 years old in a month. Soon, I am going back to school. I weigh 204lbs. Everyone tells me I don't look overweight, but its not just the way I look. I feel heavy. I feel sick and digusted, but I when I read these websites I get inspired to lose weight. Though, never to such an extreme as to starving myself. Are there any diets or tips out there that can help me? I'm feeling really inadequate. (link)
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It's important to get the right mindset about your body - how you feel, how you think about your weight, how you deal with food/exercise. Reading webpages that are pro-anorexic will not only stop you from getting into the right mindset, but they could actually start you heading down a very dangerous and potentially deadly road.
There are no easy solutions to losing weight, and your doctor is probably the best person to talk to about nutrition, healthy weight goals, and exercise. Generally, a healthy weight loss is about 1-2 pounds per week - any more than that and you could be putting your health at risk.
It took years to gain the weight, and it'll probably take quite a long time to lose it. But weight that is lost slowly and safely is weight that will stay off - which is just as important as losing it in the first place.
And once you're thinking the right way? Then you need to understand the simple key: eat less, and move more. Find exercise that you enjoy, and just eat less crap. Once you start losing weight, hopefully your increased energy and healthier positive hormone levels (from exercise) will motivate you to continue.
Best of luck.
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ok...there's this guy that i might hook up with but i'm still not sure that i will but he was asking me if we hooked up if i would ever have sex with him and i said i didnt know...i dont know what to do because i dont think im ready for sex yet and honestly im scared...i want to tell him that im not ready but i dont know how he will react.. (link)
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Ultimately, it doesn't matter how he reacts. You are the only one living your life, and you are the only one who has to deal with the consequences of choices you make.
If you are not ready for sex and feel scared, then don't have sex. If this guy doesn't accept that, it's not your problem. If anything, you've saved yourself time by finding out the sort of character he has.
And besides, if he's already asking about sex, I think it's pretty clear that his focus is on his penis rather than on your soul.
Listen to yourself. You know the answers.
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okay, my goal this year in school, is to get really popular. Can anyone help me accomplish that? Can someone give hints to getting into popularity? I really need it, alot. If anyone can help, Ill rate a 5 for useful information.
ex oh
not-so-popular
P.s- please don't tell me to be myself, I already am, and people don't like who I am. (link)
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It's not really about other people liking who you are. It's about YOU liking who you are. People like to be around people who like themselves.
Think about it. I'm sure you can visualize a kid in your school who seems like they hate themselves, like they are desperate and needy, and they are socially awkward. This person probably doesn't have a lot of friends, and it's NOT because they aren't as good as anyone else.
If you genuinely like who you are, and you are that person all the time, then you'll be comfortable and friendly with other people. People notice self-confidence, and they also like people who are comfortable enough to shift the focus onto them - ask people how they are, how their summer was, etc.
So, I won't tell you to be yourself. I'll only tell you to like yourself.
And that way, when you find a good group of friends who really care for you - rather than just a mob who barely know your name - you'll be with people who like you for the same reasons you like yourself.
Best of luck.
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A lot of my friends smoke. This means that whenever I hang around with them they are smoking and they often offer me cigarettes. I have always said no because I have my priciples but recently I have been smoking with them. I found that it was quite relaxing and I liked it. I really don't want to do it anymore but I enjoy it and as my friends do it, it's tempting. How do I stop before I get too addicted? (link)
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You stop before you get too addicted - you answered the question yourself. Quitting now will be much easier on your mental and physical health then waiting until later...you may even get to a point that even though you know smoking is bad for your health, you're too addicted to want to quit.
The only real answer here is 'willpower.' You can help your willpower by going online and doing some searches on the effects of smoking on your health. Once you see the pictures of what it does to your lungs, and read the stories of people who have/had lung cancer, that should help you remain strong.
Best of luck.
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My boyfriend and I have been having sex since late June. Last night he asked me if i got it yet ( i got it june 30th, after we first started to) and i said no but im not worried about it im going to wait a few days because my comes so randomly. and it never comes on the same date. he is yelling at me about he knows he asked girls, but i think i know mmy fuckin period and a bunch of girls periods come different times and late. he is really stressing me out, should i go to a clinic to see or buy a test now? (link)
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You said it: you know best when your period will come. If it doesn't show up in a few days, keep in mind that it takes about three weeks from the point of conception/pregnancy for it to show up on a pregnancy test.
If your boyfriend is reacting this way - and it's understandable - I would imagine he isn't ready for the pressures that sex can bring. Unless either of you is ready to handle the possibility of an unplanned pregnancy, maybe it's time to take a break from sex.
It sounds like the pressure is not only on him, but on your entire relationship. I'm sure you started having sex because you felt close, but sex is now causing you to pull apart. Reevaluate the situation, and ask him to as well.
When and if your period comes, try to remember how badly it felt to not be sure - and to have your boyfriend acting in a paniced way.
Best of luck.
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ok so i have a boyfriend that i've been with for about 6 months now. im 16, my boyfriend is turning 19 in september And about four months into the relationship, i got raped by his older brother and now his family is blaming me and telling ppl it wasnt raped so now im questioning myself if it was rape or not. and then the cops got involved because my boyfriend called the cops since i told him what happened when i slept over. so when the cops were investigating, they found out that me and my boyfriend have been having sex as well. so now me & andrew arent even allowed to see each other legally and im just wondering if i should stay with him after all this happening, we want to have kids in the future and he even asked me to marry him...is this a good idea? (link)
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Everything aside, I would tell any 16 year old that they aren't ready for marriage. At 16, you haven't fully formed your personality - a lot of growth happens between 18-25. Some people leave university and feel like a completely different person!
Your boyfriend isn't finished growing up, either. Now, this isn't necessarily a bad thing. You could grow apart, but you could also grow in your own ways and stay together.
But thinking about marriage and kids? Everyone thinks these things, and that's fairly normal, but you need to understand that this type of commitment should not be entered into until you are much older.
Your age difference is important for two reasons:
1. You are at different points in your lives. You're still in high school, and he's probably not.
2. It's illegal for him to have sex with you. You are putting him at risk if you continue to date him.
At the end of the day, only you can decide what is right for you. If you have doubts, take time to explore them and really think about what you want out of a relationship. As well as thinking about the future, it's important to think about RIGHT NOW. You're living in the present, and that's where this relationship is happening.
Best of luck.
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