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Mom problem...
Just as a forewarning, this is going to be long. I write a lot. If that's a problem, stop reading right now.
I've been with my guy for nearly two years, and we're planning to get married after college.
His parents love me, his mom treats me like her daughter, I call her mom and she's fine with it. My dad likes my guy, and my guy likes my dad (they have a lot in common, actually...), I have a ring on my finger, and we hardly ever fight.
The only problem is my mother...My whole life I've always craved my mother's approval. For awhile, she was almost my idol. I admired her...but I find myself trying to ignore her now. All she does is criticize things my boyfriend does and point out all the negative things she possibly can when she knows I love him and he's proven to her several times that he loves me and truly cares for me.
A big problem is my mother's chemical sensitivity. She's allergic to quite a bit of...well, everything, really. My family can't use anything scented because scents make her sick - they give her headaches, make her nauseated, she acts drunk...
She needs to ask people who come over to our house to wash their clothes in unscented laundry detergent, to use unscented shampoo, soap, everything.
My boyfriend's not exactly...compliant. I hate having to ask people to get unscented, especially him. Call me girly, but I like the way he smells. I can't help it. It's kind of a comforting thing. So I'm not pushing the "get unscented" issue because I don't really want it to happen. However I would like him to be able to come over every so often. He doesn't seem to understand that he can't fool my mom by standing under the shower for a few minutes and that he needs to use unscented shampoo and soap to get the smell that was there off.
He thinks my mom's crazy. It offends me a little, and I've told him that. But it bothers me more that my mother seems to be trying more than anything to get me to break up with him, though she claims she's not. She told me once "get another boyfriend who'll do what we need."
How do I get her to see that I picked him, I want to marry him, and I'm not about to leave him for some prick who only loves my body?
How do I get him to be more compliant?
How do I get my mother and my fiance to get along? I've tried talking to her and I've tried talking to him. I haven't tried having them talk to each other, though. I'm not sure how much that'd help, though...they can't go out to dinner or whatever because my mother's allergic to everything. What can I do?
Please, no smartass remarks and make an effort not to use chatspeak. It confuses me, and I'll just rate you down. Thanks in advance. =)
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this is a very common problem. most mothers dont want to give their daughters away- unless that boy is completely loyal and shows it. it will take your mother a while to accept that you and your boyfriend are getting married.
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First off if your mom is allergic to everything that isn't something she can change. Since she can't change he will have to. If he wants to see your mom then he will have to use the unscented stuff to visit at your house. If he doesn't then he will have to see you everywhere but your mothers house. It is after all her house and he can't deliberately just not do what it takes.
He could come over and stay outside. Maybe you can barbecue or something and have a visit. Mom can join in or not, that would be up to her. I don't know how much of his scent would get on other family members and be brought inside...so that may or may not be a solution.
As for mom just acting like she doesn't like him...that you may have to ignore. When it comes down to it she can't control who you date or marry. She will be miserable in the long run if she doesn't get over it. Have you asked Dad for help? Maybe he has some insight on the situation that could be of help. Basically you just have to tell mom...I love this guy, We are getting married, we want you to be a big part of our future....and see if she tries to change. I certainly hope she does. Congratulations and good luck. :)
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Well, there is a compromise, but it involves you giving a little to both sides. It's fine to like how your boyfriend smells, but if it makes your mother physically sick, then he really does need to use unscented stuff before he comes over to your house.
He may think your mother is crazy because you haven't fully explained the situation - as you said you haven't pushed the issue. Perhaps he sees you taking it less seriously, and he just uses that as a way to justify his blaming your mother.
So have him wash his clothes in unscented soap. Then on days he's not going to your house, he can shower and smell himself up like usual. When he IS coming to your house, he'll just have to refrain and so will you. Your nose will be getting whiffs of him most of the time, but when he's at your house you'll have to sacrifice your nose for the sake of your mother's.
You'll need to be clear with him about why this needs to happen, why you neglected to make it happen from the start, and how it impacts on your relationship with your mother when it does not. After all, she now is starting to dislike your boyfriend because she thinks he is willfully avoiding her house rules - when in reality you haven't been as firm as you need to be.
Your mother will like him more if he bends and de-wonderful-smells himself for her. And your boyfriend will think she's not crazy if you carefully explain her medical condition and then you make sure to follow through with your actions.
Best of luck.
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Wow sounds like you have alot of drama in your life right now. Hm... well no one can force your fiance or your mom to get along. But I thik you were on the right path having them have a talk but maybe something's bothering your mom and she takes it out on your boyfriend. Spend some time with her. This might sound a bit corny but maybe since you've been seeing your boyfriend she doesn't get to spend as much time with you. Just a thought but anything could be troubling her. Spend some time and talk but don't discuss problems with your boyfriend. Do things she enjoys. Good Luck.
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Hey sweetie! Man... that sounds like a real problem. So, you love him. That's a feeling most of us know. It's cool, isn't it? I don't want to seem harsh or uncaring here, but sometimes you've gotta be your own mommy. I know she's your mother and all.. and you love her, of course, but if you really love your fiance, and want to spend the rest of your life with him, don't listen to the negative things your mother says. Your mom won't have to live with him until she dies, or sleep in the same room (same bed, too) as him, nor will she raise children - if that is your plan - with him. I'm not trying to be uncaring, or harsh, but ... it's true. Your mom chose her husband, shouldn't you be able to choose yours? I think so.
Your mom is allergic to alot of stuff - you know this from growing up with her there - but your fiance doesn't. I know you've tried to talk with both of them, but why don't you try one more time? Try planing out what you want to say, and maybe have an outline so you don't forget anything important. (or memorize what you want to say) Did your mom ever have allergy tests done? If so, you could show your fiance the papers from that test as tangible proof that she's allergic to scents. If she never had a test done, why don't you suggest that to her? Then you can know exactly what she's allergic to and what she's not. Then you can buy (hopefully) shampoo and soap that is scented, but won't bother your mom. I'd suggest telling your fiance (straight up) that it is a little offending when he says your mom is crazy... after all, she is your mom. Try to get him to understand that you love him, but you want your mom to love him too. And perhaps that means using unscented shampoo and soap. Offer to buy the unscented soap and shampoo for your boyfriend to use when he's coming over.
As for mom. Ask her to be a little more understanding with your fiance. Explain to her that you really love him, and you really love her, but you want to marry him. Tell her that you'll try and get him to use unscented soap and shampoo, but that you love the way he smells and you'd like her to be more understanding. Why don't you explain that you can only find a guy that makes you this happy once in a while.. maybe only once in a lifetime.. and you want to keep him.
Then why don't you cook something your mom can eat, and invite your fiance over. (Make sure he showers with that unscented soap!) Then, talk to your mom and boyfriend together. Make it clear that you love them both, and want them to get along.
I hope everything works out. Sorry if this didn't quite cover everything...
-FunnyCide
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Maybe it's not him she dis-likes and she's just using him as an excuse maybe she's afraid once your married she wont get to spend as much time with you, maybe she just needs somtime to get used to the engagement and him and if talking to them separately wont work then you should talk to them together, and you and your fiance can just where unscented things when your visiting.
Sorry if this dosn't help,
Godd Luck!
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