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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

advice

I am a girl in high school

I’ve been talking to a guy from my school for a while now. He has been really open and honest with me. He wants to go on a date with me. It’s been moving really fast. But he had a girlfriend a month ago. I don’t want to be a rebound if he’s just looking to have someone. So is he just being desperate wanting a date or is this real?

Rebound is a possibility. If it has only been a month, there are two possibilities. One is that he feels odd if he doesn't have a girlfriend, and maybe a gf is like a status symbol to him, fears his buddies will think something is wrong with him if he doesn't have one. People who are like this, want a date not so much because they want to be close friends and more than friends with the person, they are simply using the person more like an accessory. Sure they may have some interest. New Relationship energy guarantees they will be excited, like riding a wave of excitement more like a high. When that calms down, mistakenly, such a person will assume, the love or interest died and they break up and move on to the next, always seeking that new relationship high which is as addictive as other vices.

Don't worry, this may not be the case but with younger people, not having much life experience yet in the dating area, this mistake happens often.
You say its moving fast. So if he had a gf a month ago, I must assume that by fast, you mean 4 weeks, or way less. With some adults who have lots experience and really know what to stay away from and what to look for in a significant other, things can progress in as short as a month. Thats how it was for me, the second time around, after a divorce to someone who was not only abusive but totally wrong for me in many ways. I took what I learned to avoid and used my experiences to find the right guy. Both he and I knew after two weeks that we had found the person we would grow old together with. I was actually 50 at the time and have been with him now 10 yrs and still happy.

I have no idea what you believe openness and honesty to be, so I can't make a comment there.
However, if you want to find out if he is more int erested in just you as a person and not into having you as an accessory at his side, all you have to do is tell him that you are willing to try being friends first for a while and 'Maybe' later, you will let him know if you want to move on to being bf/gf or whether you realize its not going to work to move forward.
This is a great way to find out where he stands.
A person can say anything to impress but words are cheap. Harder is actually being consistant and being the person they tell you they are. So if he says he is willing to just be friends for now, good. But that alone doesn't mean he is a good choijce and legit. IF he wants to rush through the friendship to move on to dating, then he doesnt really care about you, doesn't have interest beyond liking your looks. With friendship, that may move on to a dating relationship, you want the friendship to be genuine. Some people have no idea what a real friend is. So in case it helps, I will use myself and hubby as an example. We are best of friends and also lovers and in love with each other. The most rewarding, great relationships for couples are built on two things, being each others best friend and also having the perfect romance together. The romance and desire are the only things that make a dating relationship differ from a friendship one. We all make mistakes in dating. SOme learn from them, some don't. It isn't too early for you to be serious enough to set your boundaries and stick with them and hopefully have several good and serious relationships before you find the one guy for you to be with the rest of your life.

SO, my husband is my best friend. He is willing to really listen to what I say, take note of what I like and surprise me at times with little things that shows he does listen and care and enjoys seeing me happy. It can be something for my dragonfly related collection, or something as small as my favorite salad, chips or dessert. He encourages and compliments me all the time. I hear him say I love you daily and never tire of it because I know it is not just words. He proves it all the time. He supports what I want and like, and is always building me up with words. This would mean knowing me well enough to know what my interests and talents are and encouraging me to focus on those things. As a friend, he listens to when I have frustrations to get out and talk about, when I am sad, offering a hug to make me feel better. When I do something that might irritate him, he never yells or criticizss since he knows he does the same thing and I don't jump on his case either. He doesn't pick and choose what he likes about me but accepts it all, all my spots and wrinkles in personality. He's there for me when I am sick, going for example to a 24 hr store at midnight to get medicine I needed when really sick with the flu. ITs this kind of stuff that shows a person really cares about you, not just when things are going well. We don't blame each other if one of us accidentally break or damage something. And beleive me, its happened plenty of times. Getting angry and yelling and throwing fits won't change what has already happened. In fact, we never share the truth of any dumb thing one of us may have done, with others, because we wish to not embarrass or make the other look bad. This is some of what a true friend in a mate or date is. If he is truly interested in you to date, he will agree to being friends first to let you kave time to see if you are ready for more with him. It will give him time to get to know you. If he begins to pester you wanting to know if you will be his gf, it could be inexperience showing so you would need to give him a chance by explaining that you want to have a guy who is willing and allows you to make the first step on anything, even kissing and more. But pressure from a guy usually means they do not care whether you are ready yet which means they basically don't care about you at all and all the rest was just pretence to get what they wanted. My hubby at age 49 when we met, did not make the first move to kiss me, he let me choose when I was ready, if at all, to kiss him. Now remember, this is at age 50 for me, so I was no kid, neither was he. But he was a gentleman, no pressure, and let me have the reins so to speak, whether this relationship would happen or not. Ultimately, that is what you are looking for. Lots of young guys today, have no good image to follow, parents who are mismatched in relationship, bad examples from society or TV. A guy who truly cares, will make corrections if you let him know right at the start of something he says or does that bother you or hurt you.
If you have any more questions along the way, just let me know by going straight to me column, Dragonflymagic and asking away. Blessings to you.

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My best friend got a boyfriend. Cool, I’m happy for her but she and I have been talking less and she has told me she had been trying to hang out him many times a week well she barely talks to me anymore. I get it she likes him but, I feel that I’m losing importance to her, so much that she has told me to stop texting because she was texting to her boyfriend. I feel super awful for feeling this way but I don’t want bring it up to her because she might think I’m being selfish. I really love my friends but I have no idea what to do... what do you think I should do?

I don't know if you have yet experienced getting a boyfriend, but with anything new and exciting, there is a kind of energy which when talking about dating couples, is called New Relationship Energy. You already get that she likes him lots. He likes her alot in return. But often with a new relationship, not just the first BF but any new BF down the road, people get carried away with that new person, leaving other friendships ignored. Why? There is a reason. Because this energy or New Relationship Energy is much like a high people get from drinking or a drug. It is very addicting too. Once you have felt it, you end up wanting more and more of that wonderful feeling, to the point you focus only on that and let all your responsibilities and friendships go by the wayside until these feelings level off and thought they may still be into each other, it is a more normal kind of interest. So all you can do is wait it out. She will eventually want to spend time with you again.
If you can't understand what all the excitement is about, there is something much like it that I can give you as an example. Think back to a Christmas that you really wanted something. You wanted it so bad you would stop in stores and wishfully look at it. YOu made your request to the parents and didn't know if they'd get it or not but you hoped so hard they would. Then came the anticipation and excitement as christmas came cloaer. When you opened presents and got exactly what you wanted, that is the kind of excitement that I want you to remember. Some gifts are perfect for us and will hold our attention indefinitely. However, I have received things I wanted and begged for as a kid, and once I got them, they only held my attention every day for a few weeks, may even a couple months, but after that, I lost interest or I just took it out every once in a while to play with. A new relationship works like this. Even if some guy isn't totally perfect for her, she will be excited at the newness of it and his returned interest in her. After a while, they will find they no longer have the same intense desire to spend exclusively with each other and start to focus again on the things and people that were important to them before they started dating. It isn't something that happens to young teens only but adults of any age. I have never heard among people I know, of the NRE ever causing a person to drop a friend forever because they are dating. It may take longer than you like but I don't beleive you have anything to worry about.

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how do you get a hickey to stay dark. im practicing on my arm and i can make them but they fade. what can i do to make them stay dark.

Most people ask how to get rid of them so as to not be embarrassed. I haven't seen anything that tells a person how to make them last longer. So all I can tell you is to repeat what you did to cause one in the first place and just keep doing it.

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Before I say anything, I'd like to make it clear I'm a writer. I'm writing a book. I do not, nor have I ever, planned on murdering anybody.

But basically, it's a paranormal/psych horror about a girl who was bullied and outcasted, who is then accidentally murdered by popular classmates who took a joke too far, and the murdered girl's ghost taking individualized revenge on the kids responsible, while they all deal with whether to tell or not.

A big part of the story centers around the fact there was absolutely no justice delivered, and so the murder has to be framed in a way that it could be passed as a suicide/a death having nothing to do with other people, so that there's no investigation. The kids responsible are very much rich and privileged, well liked and behaved (on the outside) and the story being exposing their sadistic/bad qualities. Because of this, I could very much play the idea the police were paid off but I'd rather there be absolutely no tarnish to their reputation before our victim takes her revenge.

Obviously, the murder has to take place away from society so no witnesses or cameras could give it away. A thought I had would be the idea they pushed her in a river and she drowned, and perhaps the police think it was a deliberate thing.

Basically, what's a realistic way a murder would look like it's not a murderer given:
1. It takes place in an isolated place so there would be no snitches or cameras
2. The murder was an accident over vicious bullying
3. There can't be too many marks that make it look like she was beat up/touched by other people

You mentioned river and I came up with an immediate idea. I don't know if 'planking' is still popular or a thing among youth as I am grandma age, but if the school is a rural one and most roads do not get much traffic, then perhaps the popular kids dare others, including this girl to do 'planking' on the side rails of a bridge that crosses a creek and it isn't all that high, maybe 10 ft at most to the water. She eventually decides to do it to prove she is not chicken and be accepted by these popular people. Maybe they even tell her it's an initiation to be part of them. So when its her turn, she's up on the rail planking and two of the popular kids approach and both push her off the rail where she falls into the creek, hitting her head on a rock so it looks like the hit to the head killed her. The kids all agree to keep silent on this and tell no one. Eventually when her body is found still laying in the creek at the murder site, she hasn't floated away as this is very low water and rocky mostly. The fall can be even less.

I have crossed creeks where the bridge was only about 6 feet to the water. But instead of the fall killing her, hitting her head on rocks in the creek and cracking her head open could do it. However, it wouldsn't have happened unless she was pushed over. The ghost of the girl is disoriented as she is now standing on the bridge with the kids who are discussing that if it is discovered they were here with her, that they would tell police that one of them tripped and accidentally bumped her off the ledge so they were too scared to say anything and get in trouble. As for how its found out, that they were even at the location, have two ladies out blackberry picking along the road and their car is parked too far from bridge to see and they have wandered in their berry picking as far as the bridge after the accident where they see the kids at the bridge after the death so when police are asking if anybody has seen anyone at that bridge on that date, the women tell who they saw there before they went back to their car. You can have the ghost of the dead girl disoriented as it happened so fast, standing on the bridge and hearing their plan to pass it off as an accident. She looks over and sees her body down below and realizes they killed her. To make it more complicated, add in a new twist to planking with others trying to distract or scare the person planking, so that they find they can't do it and get back off. Maybe, there could be other twists like a guy mad that she spurned him when he asked her out. She felt no chemistry but he was vindictive, and unbeknownst to the others, he was a bit off mentally and thought he was justified in knocking her off the rail and maybe talked a friend into helping him. That way not all are guilty or murder but guilty of covering up who did it.

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I am a 14 year old guy. And I am part of a friend group.We have known each other for 4 years now, and we were two friend groups of guys and girls. But this year we became one close friend group.There are three boys A, B, and C, C being me. There are three girls in the group, they are X, Y and Z. Now this year I asked out X, and she said while she is my friend I am just no her type. I accepted this. Around two months later I started to have a crush on Y, and A told me to ask her out, So I did. She also turned me down. I accepted this and life went back to normal, we are all still friends. I found out later that Z got mad that I asked out Y because her perspective is that she is my second choice for a girlfriend, but A was telling her it wasn't like that at all.

Now yesterday, my entire friend group went to an amusement park, that is very popular in my state. There all of my friends but me and Z liked the big roller coasters. I will go on some rides but hate big roller coasters and so does Z. So the friend group decided to go on the biggest ride, and Me and Z stayed off. The wait line was two hours.

After they got in line, me and Z went to the gift shop and were looking around. we kept up a conversation, and we were both just talking like good friends, after about half an hour. we decided to go to the boardwalk area of the park, and went on a few small rides together. Spinning rides, bumper cars, ect. and then stopped at one of the bakeries in the park, and got a little snack. then we met up with our friends and they said they were going on another ride.

Me and Z slowly walked around the entire park and before we knew it we had circled around to where our friends had been. And they called and said that they were at the entrance and were just going to be there until closing. Me and Z said that we were both hungry and wanted food so we decided to head over to the main food area was because A said he would meet us there. On the way over me and Z decided to go on another ride seeing that there was 15 minutes before the park closed. So we purposely avoided A and went over through another area of rides.

As we were walking I would joke and say do you want to go on that big ride, but she would just say you can choose. Or you pick, I'm up for anything you want to do. So as we were walking we couldn't decide, so she out of nowhere said lets go on the Ferris wheel. After some talking I just said sure let's go.

We waited in the short line, I said the park was closing, and got on the Ferris wheel. and with just the two of us alone, it felt nice. When we got on the ferris wheel, we both came to the realization that both of us had fears of heights, we were both saying that we hated heights, and to make her fell better, I got close to her, and asked does this help. She just said no... but thanks for the effort. after we got off, we were both saying that this was fun, and we should do this again.

And now I am wondering. Why did I do that, Is she trying to send me any signals, and what should I do. She got mad thinking her friend was my second choice but, I'm not sure if I like her now. Can you guys help me with my problem?

At your age, people are just starting the dating scene and haven't years of experience behind them so there will be assumptions, false beliefs and a slow learning process about it all. I can't help how the girl Z processes thoughts but if you are asking for what signals she is sending, I don't see any just by your narrative of the day. Now body language is a different thing. This would be a helpful thing for you to study now and there are plenty of good you tube videos with people acting out what it looks like or just giving you a list. I am putting a link to one video and you will have to check out and study more on your own. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=saE2lDYEUJ4

Most people don't know they are sending out these clues as it is a subconscious thing. Not everyone covers all the hints that someone is interested so watch a lot of these. I would not neccessarily count on looking for clues from the amusement park as Z had no choice but to hang with you or go off on her own. What you really want is to look for more than one or two of the hints that someone is interested. Females are quiet and subtle about their interest so until you have studied on line and then used that information to check out people around you for practice to see if other guys and gals are using these hints subconsciously, then you will get good at it.

A warning though, One of the clues in a female touching the man, like a punch to the shoulder, a pat on the arm and I am like that with everyone, males and females. When I am holding conversation with someone and they make me laugh or I want to tease a person, I would follow with a touch, to emphasize how much I liked the joke or what they said, etc. I am also a hugging type who will give hugs freely to both sexes and I am very happily married. So in my case, seeing me do this doesnt mean I am attracted for a dating relationship, but if you see this happen more towards you than others, only then is it a sign. Starting as friends is a good thing and romances can come from that over time where both people develop mutual romantic interest in each other as they learn to admire things about the other for example. This interest or love is slower starting as a spark and growing to a flame.

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its crazzi how much the economy has changed and how everything is so overpriced nowadays and you don't even get what you paid for...smdh

I don't know where you live but I married at end of 70s and our rent over the next 7,8 years ranged from the $600. to $700. a month. But then I am in a bigger city on the West Coast. But now, one can barely get a studio apt. in my area for 1300. to 1500. a month at the low end and it goes up to 2000. or a little more. If its a double income household, when retirement comes, you can't afford a place to live. Or maybe all goes to rent and nothings left for phone, cable, heat, clothes and food for example. I live near Shag Apts for elderly and those people may have a home but they are living otherwise like the very poor.

So why is it happening? Only because of the greed of people in power higher up. Yes, there are more people on the planet now but there are ways to still do things that are better energy for the planet, better fuel systems for vehicles and so on, but those who have invented ways to for example, run a car on water or something else there is much of, are never hailed as brilliant because those who own oil companies would all of a sudden have no more income if gasoline was banned.
Solar energy could help too and I've read articles of places in the world where solar power is being tried and it takes much less panels than you think to power a whole town. Sunshine is free, so other than maintenance of any equipment, energy/electric could be free to all on the planet but due to greed at the top, it won't happen.

What I have seen is many people not able to afford rent. My husband and I were about to get into a mother in law apt but he broke his leg the day after and it was a 2 year recovery for him with 3 breaks and damage to the miniscus in knee. So we ended up livin in our van. We are still living that way as it is too hard to get back into an apt. During our time living that way we discovered that 1/3 of the homeless are clean working people like ourselves, another third are drug addicts and the last third are the mentally ill. Since we are living on the streets so to speak, we see the increase in people living in their vehicles and we tell them where the safe places to park at night are in our area. Due to the expense of working so hard two full time jobs to afford a place you only have time to sleep and shower, no other time left to be in your home, it doesn't make sense to many seniors to pay ones meager social security on rent. We shower at a gym we pay membership for, Planet Fitness as they are a big chain in many locations. And we have our bed in van. The two things those poor suckers who work two jobs to have, a place to sleep and shower only, we have as well but the only thing we are paying for is gym membership at 10. a month so 20. for us as a couple. Then there is phone cost, gasoline for vehicle and the usual once a year things like tabs and insurance. We discount shop for everything else, clothes, and discount groceries plus dollar store and find we are able to survive just fine.

Due to the crazy inflation, we are the beginning of a trend where the amount of homeless is increasing at an alarming rate. We'd rather prepare now than wait as many older people are doing now, they are outfitting vehicles to be their home on wheels. Think RV but smaller. So vans and Sprinter vans are becoming the choice for home and vehicle all in one. If you don't believe me and find it hard to afford rent, start looking up van dwelling on you tube. Many show how they've done it. We are currently outfitting a Sprinter to be our home. Have been living in a Chevy cargo van. Its cramped but we Have slept well and kept dry and warm in winter. Some may hang in town but plenty start choosingk a nomadic lifestyle and traveling to areas where they can park a length of time before needing to move again. If you are in this position, I am just guessing, or for curiousity sake, Look up 'Cheap RV Living' with your host Bob on You tube who goes over all things you need to consider and interviews others who are doing the same to see how they set up their vehicle as home.

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Ok, this is a follow up to one of my past questions. My "friend" is acting really weird. In my other question, I explained how my "friend" has been leaving me whenever she sees someone cooler than me, and how it made me feel really bad. I thought the issue was getting better, but it ISN'T. Recently I went to see our local school's play, and she came with me. We got there, and soon after arriving, my sister left to sit with her friends. Just as the play was about to start, "friend" got up and walked over to my sister.I thought she was just saying Hi, but she never came back. Yep, that's right, she ditched me for my SISTER, and acted like everything was fine afterwards. Even my other friends began doubting if she liked me at all! I thought the issue was over, and now it's summer. "Friend" hadn't invited me over since the last day of school, and I thought we were finally drifting apart! Nope. She invited me to the mall and I accepted, only to realize she only invited me because nobody else was free. It only gets worse. "Friend" has a joke with my sister that they are "best friends". My sister came along, and right off the bat, "Friend" asks if she can sit by her "best friend" instead of me. she ends up sitting by me, but the whole ride she didn't even talk to me. When we got to the mall, she started trailing behind my sister and refusing to move. She refused to go to the stores I wanted and only wanted to go where my sister was going. I ended up hanging with "friend's" sister (who is actually cool) but it made me sad. We finished shopping, and arrived at the car. I started to hop in the back where I used to sit, but found "friend" sitting by my SISTER instead of ME. I Sat by "friend's" sister instead of her, but when we finally got to my house, she ended this horrible trip by screaming "BYE BEST FRIEND" and waving to my sister instead of me. Now I know this isn't just a one time thing, and it made me feel really bad. I have the worst conscience, so I don't want to tell her I don't want to be friends anymore. What do I do??????!

If what you are doing, like accepting her invites, doesn't work, you simply do the opposite which means no longer accepting any invitations. You know by now that this girl is indeed a fake. There is nothing friendly about her. She only uses you. Your town can't be that small if it has a movie theater. So get out and meet people. The best way is to think of something you have interests in and join clubs to meet people, volunteer places, do a summer job and meet people there. If the problem is not meeting people, then the problem is not knowing how to make friends. It sure sounds like this 'non' friend is the only person you know. If others say you are their friend but have no time to spend with you regularly, then they aren't friends either.

You are going to need to learn what a friend really is and what is not a friend. There are certain behaviors and things about a friend that is good to know. I say this because someday when you are looking for a boyfriend and later a husband, you will want to find one who is a friend, a real friend to you but there is the added benefit of the romance and chemistry for kisses and more. Many adults marry someone who is only a friend or only a great sex partner but not both. So think of this as a chance for you to learn now. The first step is not worrying about having no one. Having a fake friend is really the same as having no one. She is rubbing it all in your face by hanging out with your sister. She is on purpose trying to mess with your feelings and hurt you and not being subtle about it, thus yelling 'bye best friend to your sister. I can't imagine your sister choosing her over you but maybe she is starving for friends too and eventually will be treated the same as you. So do some studying on line. Put in a search using the following words 'What constitutes a friend' and you will have plenty to read to get some idea. I will put one of those in here for you to start:
https://www.wonderopolis.org/wonder/what-does-it-mean-to-be-a-good-friend

Plenty of sites say that to have a good friend, you need to be a good friend. If you are being a good friend but are only being used, then the other person is not the kind of friend you want. I hope this helps

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Ok, I really need help with this! As you can probably tell from my last questions, one of my friends is really mean. Although she may not be the best friend, she's the one that invites me over the most. Since she treats me badly, I often don't look forward to hanging with her. I know it sounds sad, but because of this, I don't get out much. On top of this, I'm super awkward when talking to people! I want to get a better social life and become more comfortable talking to people, but I don't know how. Any suggestions???

I had social anxiety from as young as I can remember, before school and through HS. There is an easy cured if that is what you have. If you suspect this to be the case, write me back directly by going to my column 'Dragonflymagic' and writing from there to request that information.

Otherwise, if its just a matter of feeling awkward because you don't know what to say, basically, how to start conversations, then read on.

No matter if school age and up to elderly, most people tend to bed friendly if spoken to first. The problem is when every one is waiting for someone else to speak up first, whether they know you or are a stranger. I have learned that the majority of personality types are friendly and will respond if you attempt small talk or a convo. So its a matter of what to say. If you wish to start a convo, then either it is easiest with a genuine compliment or something pertaining to the circumstances in which you find yourself.

On compliments, by genuine, I mean only compliment people where you really like something. If you don't for example like their necklace, don't say anything just to practice. People can pick up on when someone is insincere/lying. So it can be something like, Hey Alison, i love your new haircut or hair color. Where did you get it done?"

People seem to find those that ask them questions about their self or compliment them, to be really good at conversation. The reason is that most people like to talk about themselves, so even if they did the most talking, just your interest and listening ears makes them like to be around you.

If you can't see anything new to compliment someone on, then go for complimenting on something older, like a friends outfit she's worn many many times, as long as you've never said anything yet. For this, don't feel bad about not saying any thing in the past, just do it now starting with, "Hey Jules, i know I've never said anything before about your outfit, but I really like it. It makes you look really great." Once you get over fear to do this, there are oh so many opportunities to compliment people. I for example a few months ago saw a Mom with 4 kids shopping. Most moms I knew when my kids were young, didn't leave the house with their kids except for church or Dr. appts for the kids. When I asked, it was too much of an inconvenience for all those moms who had to hassle with a car seat, booster seat and keep track of multiple kids in a store. So when I saw the mom and kids, I was impressed how the kids behaved and the fact they were with mom in a store. I didn't know her but she was still putting groceries in the back of her car when I exited and I walked up to her and said, I have to pay you a compliment for being willing to take your kids with you anywhere, even the store. No one I knew when mine were little would even try it. You are a great Mom for doing so." She was genuinely pleased and thanked me. A little thing like that can brighten a persons day.

The other I mentioned is looking for a subject that has something to do with the situation you are sharing. Lets say you're in the same class and just got a substitute teacher for the day. You can always ask a classmate how they liked the substitute and how they feel they compare to the regular teacher. When asking questions, make sure they are open ended, not close ended. A close ended question can be answered with a yes, no or maybe and the convo stops there. So instead of "Did you like our substitute teacher today" it is "What did you think of our substitute today?" They can't answer yes or no because of how you worded it. There was once a woman asking for a drink she had at a Starbucks far away and was in the store I go to. She was trying to tell them what the ingrediants were so they could try to reproduce. I came along as she was taking her second taste test from a sample cup. "Very close, it just needs ....whatever she said I can't remember." HOwever, I was curious and asked her what went into the drink and she explained and told me it was something they made at her local Starbucks but it wasn't on the menu here. Since they are willing to make you something even not on their menu but from ingrediants they have in store, they will do it. They gave me a sample cup of what they'd made for her and it was good. I can't remember the details to have one made for me now, but this was a stranger I talked with for about 15 minutes. Lets say a group of people are asking each other if someone has seen the new movie out at theatres, mention the movie name but no one has seen it yet. YOu went on the first day and have an opinion of it, but they don't know you. I would see it as an opportunity and state, "Sorry, I couldn't help but overhear you all. I have seen that movie. Went on the first day. It is really good. I liked the leading female role because it was a strong one and very believeable." They might ask for more detail and then you give it. Sometimes you get sucked into having a conversation with a group this way. To seem more approachable, for someone to start a conversation with you, if someone happens to look your way, friend or stranger, just give a quick smile. A smile tells the other person that you are approachable, that you are not one of 10% of people who are mean, don't want to talk to anyone and are loners who prefer to hide in their homes. If you do run into someone like this, don't feel bad thinking its you that they don't like. They won't like most people anyways, and the problem is theirs. So don't let it ruffle you, just keep on trying to talk with others.

Also, when listening to someone, listen closely to what they say when for example you ask how their weekend went or what they did. There may be more than one subject you can switch the line of talk to if they don't keep on going long term. If someone answers, "Well, Saturday, my sister and I went riding bikes around Millers lake. I was exhausted after and sat out in the sun reading a book. Later, my boyfriend and I went to dinner and to a movie." What subjects can you come up with to make comments and follow with another question?

If you didn't know she had a sister, or how many siblings she had, you can say, "I wish my sis and I were that close. How many siblings do you have and where do you fall age wise?" Thats one possibility. Another is bike riding or Millers lake. YOu oould mention you also love bike riding but its no fun going alone and say she can ask you next time she plans to go, and all 3 of you could go. Or if you like Millers Lake, tell her so and volunteer a couple other places you like to bike. Then ask her where else she likes to go riding. Another is the book she's reading, if she didn't mention the title, ask for it. If you haven't heard of it before, you can ask next what the genre is, meaning scary, adventure, time travel, etc. Then tell her if you like the same or mention what you do like. Lastly, if you've never been to the restaurant or don't know which one, you can ask about that and it can start a whole different conversation about favorite foods or places to eat. Or ask about the movie. If one doesnt get the person talking, use one of the other subjects. So you have to kind of listen to what they are saying and multi task deciding which things make good second subjects to introduce into the chat.

One thing you should never do with this method is to ask one question after another without making any comments of your own in between, and the reason is that questions only asked rapidly one after the other makes it sound like an interrogation and will turn people off. I hope this helps if its just not knowing what to say. If you are far from this stage and too scared and nervous around people socially, then ask for what I did to get over social anxiety. For me it wasn't mere awkwardness but I was truly scared of people other than my family and a few friends who approached me first to befriend. SO if I could get over it, as bad off as I was, you can too.

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While at a retreat,I share a suite with 3 other teens and other freshmen high schoolers everyone else was in the lobby including them while I was the only one to stay behind to go back to the suite I went in the bathroom when first walked in she went in her room and got on the phone with her mother I heard remnants of the conversation such as something about feeling someway probably such as “bad for” someone overhead then two other girls followed bursting into the room as if frantic one which I shared a suite with the other stayed across the hall, I came out of the bathroom asking what happened which they both said in unison nothing so I went back in the bathroom the one who didn’t stay in our suite left while the other two went back into the others room. I used the bathroom and came back out then plopped back down on the chair from which I could hear the ongoing conversation and heard “they think she’s weird because she has insomnia” or something like that I know they were talking about me because I was the only person to bring medication, which I told them them the previous day was not for insomnia but because I just couldn’t fall asleep I know what insomnia is and I wasn’t diagnosed with it I was only prescribed medicine. They later returned to check on me but after hearing what they said I returned to my room as if I was in there the whole time and didn’t overhear I opened the door and they jumped as if scared and ran away, they returned twice more asking if I was okay and what I was doing I responded as if clueless and told them I was going to bed. Are these fake friends?

Hi again dear. I answered your other question because this one, tho first, didn't show at all yesterday. Since this is slightly different, I know have a better idea whats going on and your age group. I thought you were a college student and sharing a dorm room by talking of a suite you share with others. I had no idea it was a retreat, HS girls, or what you overheard until now. This puts a slightly different twist on how I will answer.

It is seldom that teens ask and understand that there is such a thing as fake friends. I still stand on if someone is talking to you or you overhear them talk about you and explaining this. In most cases, people are nice and once their curiosity is satisfied, they won't be talking behind your back. It is when they continue to do so after you inform them how your insomnia is not an issue at all, if they continue, then you know that they are fake friends. The one on the phone doesn't sound fake. She was likely asking her Mom if she had to treat you specially because of it and felt sorry for you that you do have trouble going to sleep. She sounds compassionate and I am sure that she is likely more of a person to care and be a friend. But talk to her alone then, and explain, saying you wanted her to know in case she was wondering about it. that should help.

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I stayed in my suite while other students watched a basketball game in the lounge while in the bathroom another person who I shared a suite with came in and went to her room and started a phone conversation with who I assume was her mom and sounded like she was asking for advice or sharing a concern about a another person then another person who I shared a suite with walked in her room. When I walked out the bathroom I heard their conversation saying “They probably think she’s weird because she has insomnia” I am the only person who takes medication to help me which is for sleep. For which later they constantly returned checking on me asking if I was okay and then frantically running out of the room, I later concluded that they were displaying behavior like they were scared of me what should I think of them now? Should I distance myself ?

This is probably the first time they have come across a person with a chronic issue that was at least somewhat noticeable to them. Many people have insomnia. I do. Always have. However I took nothing for it until I hit 50 because for some reason, the older people get, the more likely you are to have it. For me it just got worse so I need treatment daily now. To me, it is a non issue and should be your your friends. It could be. All you need to do is sometime in the future, you sit down your roomates, all at the same time to get it over with and tell them you want to share something with them so they don't feel uncomfortable. Right now they are uncomfortable because they don't know how to act, the same way most people freeze up around someone disabled, and they have no idea what to say or do, and worst, if they want to know and understand and ask, and I have found this to be true, about 1 half or more of the people you
do decide to ask, get angry with you. It is up to you to put them at ease. Once they understand what is going on for you, it will become a non issue to them that they never notice, or bring up again. Or you could keep quiet and listen to people all your life saying something behind your back. It is not because of gossip but having unanswered questions of how to act around you. So bring it up and let them you that you decided to tell them about your 'chronic' insomnia because you want them to understand and not assume that because you have trouble sleeping that you are depressed or mad at them or worried or whatever. So in answer, there is no reason to stay away from people just because they were talking about your insomnia. The majority of people who talk about somebody issue, are truly nice caring people who want to understand but don't say anything because they are nice and don't want to hurt the persons feelings or make them angry. Its something I face often enough since I live close to retirement apartments. Going to a store, you see a person in a wheelchair or with a walker approaching a door. You wonder whether you should step in and be nice and just open the door for them. It took only once of having someone in a wheelchair say, I can do it myself, before I really gave it some thought. I know some of the elderly with walkers, actually appreciate the help, so now I ask first, would you like me to help you with the door? No one has snapped at me ever again, just a smile and no thanks, but thanks for asking. If in college, they are still young enough to not have come across someone different than them. I know it makes you sound like an alien from another planet but anything different will catch someones attention and make them wonder... whether they stutter, walk with a limp, have a missing finger or what have you. It doesn't have to be something big like a missing leg, or a black person with disease causing parts of skin to turn white. I have seen that twice in my life and I can tell you, it was hard to resist looking. If I am caught looking, I will actually speak to the person, something like "How long have you have your condition?" I might say, sorry for looking but you are the first person I have seen with this. I don't even know what it is called or what causes it." That leaves them at a point of either ignoring me or educating me on the subject. I work volunteer at a church feeding program for the community. There is a regular who had Tourette's syndrome. I know a person like that can't help being as they are, which is basically 'disruptive' if one doesn't understand the involuntary bursts of yelling, cursing, mumbling, and non normal bursts of strange body movements. One such person was lingering when most had left. Usually there is enough food to put out free food for people to take home and the person was seated next to that table. So I smiled and asked if they needed a bag for any items they wished to take home. In this persons case, as soon as they had something focused to say, the Tourettes symptoms stopped long enough for them to tell me, they didn't need a bag but thanks for asking and then they lapsed back into the herky jerky movements and muttering.
What you have is not so obvious. But you can help these roommates, or any friends, but helping them understand how to act around someone rather than talking about the symptoms with others who also have no idea what is the issue.

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So....Its alot so my mom has been ill my whole life and when I was little, I saw her as my hero that she could do no wrong and my world revoled around her..I would have a gut feeling about some of her actions... but I couldnt possiablely go against her because she was always right...So as Im getting older I'm starting to realize the things she use to do would influence me... She hates my dad when I was little she would talk about him about an hour and make him like this evil man and things including my grandmother, who had taking care of her when my mother was extremely ill. My grandmother made her food and cleaned did a lot...My mom would talk behind her back since my grandmother has dementia and says the neighnbor are doing meth and things.. which keep in mind she cant. I love my mother and have come into terms that I cant change her; I can't make her happy or a postive person... It hurts to even say these things but I'm becoming my own person I'm growing up things need to change..She probhits me from spending time with my father... she doesent give me an explanation. but I know she is scared... but people change, grow...My father is sucessfully and happy with his life and our relationship has gotten so much better. and I feel like my mom doesn't like that..she still thinks on the past has her past mindset....Its sad honsetly... she tells me how I hurt her feelings and how hard she works to make me happy and things just because I say I want to go to my dad's house since its a bit calmer over there. I feel bad, that I just want to get away from her I truly do sometimes because I wind up getting in her negativity. she says she isnt negative she being reallistic that she says that I wont be able to move out because of rent... making feel horriable that If i dont even try I will be stuck in this place with her foever. What do I do? how will I be able to live on my own? not let her affect me so much? Be my own person?

Your Mom is living in the past and is not willing to forgive and move on. She doesn't have to talk to or have anything to do with your Dad to forgive, it is something she needs to be willing to do in her heart. People who do not forgive, don't end up hurting the person they are mad at, they hurt themselves and their life keeps getting more and more miserable. I am sad for you that your mother is like this. Since change has to come from the inside, only she can decide to want to. There are no outside influences that will persuade her now if after a decade or more, she hasn't come to that point by simply hearing some constructive words. So there is nothing you can tell her.

This is not a healthy place for you to stay, even as a young adult. I know all about how such an attitude can effect you. You might not become like her, but the stress of having no peace at home and constantly hearing the negative stuff that comes out of her mouth can affect your feelings where you became melancholy, stressed, maybe even depressed. The fight to remain normal despite the terrible energy she puts out there, is a stressful one and stress has to go somewhere, so it will affect you long term with health problems or affect you just emotionally and mentally. I was in a bad relationship for almost 30 years with an ex husband who was always negative but it was worse than just that as well. So I understand in some way what it is like for you to live under that.

I also understand that in todays economy, it is nearly impossible for young adults, in college or even working a job, to be able to afford a place to rent on their own. So I see how there are many living with parents. You already said you would like to go stay at your Dads. The thing is...does he know this? He needs to also know why, even if you have to share how it is what your mother is doing that is making you want to get away. When a person is desperate enough to want to get out, eventually a solution will present itself. My oldest child had the beginnings of mental illness when after graduation she wanted to get out of the house, not because she had it bad at home, somehow in her thinking, being on her own, or at least no longer in her parents home was imperative to her. So she mentioned the need to find a place, at her church, she was just starting a job but didn't have enough money or income to afford a place. A woman in church volunteered for her to stay in a spare bedroom, rent free for about a year, until she needed that room again. It gave the daughter time to round up a group of friends or friends of friends who also wanted to get out on their own but couldn't afford without sharing so she moved then into a roommate situation where she was one of four. Your Dad might be a chance of a place for you to go, temp or for as long as you need. But if its not possible, you may have to start checking with other relatives, like any aunts and uncles in the area or cousins also looking to get out on their own, or I have even mentioned checking with the parents of your friends who may bew away at college and ask if they have a spare room you can stay in and pay them a little. No one will automatically say yes easily unless they hear the circumstances. When it isn't just a 'want' or yours but an actual need, more people may be willing to help you out. I do feel its in your best interest to leave Mom. If she begins calling you umpteen times a day to check on you, you'd have to block her number, or get a new one and don't give it to her, but you can stay in touch by phone where it is much easier to end a bad conversation by simply hanging up. Let Mom know you love her but can't put up with the negativity anymore. Her negativity has pushed you away from her. You need to keep peace and sanity and stress free and that wasn't happening with her. She may say stuff like, I knew it, I just knew that someday, even my own daughter would abandon me. Or she may come up with something else hurtful.
What she really needs is a mental health professional, because there are things she is doing that she is doing to herself with bad thinking, negative and distorted thinking that a professional can diagnose and help.
You are not such a professional. You can only suggest she go get help.
I will tell you that my ex had some kind of mental illness. He went to a Dr. bur only for a short while, pretending he wanted to get better just to keep me but told a friend, I overheard, that it is just a pretence because he knew he had no problems and that I was the one with problems. I talked alone to the Dr. several times and learned what he discovered, that as a child, he overheard the Dr. tell his Dad that his Mom who was in the hospital might not recover and die. She recovered but in his mind, he still feared that she was going to find another way to leave him. As he got into puberty, his interest in girls increased but he wasn't able to have a good relationship because that old message was still playing in his head, that every woman now, not just his mom, who was important to him, would leave him at some point. Eventually, he forgot about Mom and focused only on girlfriends and of course myself, the wife later. When girlfriends did not leave him and I did not leave him, he began acting in ways and treating them horrendously so that they would leave, Then when he saw that, he could tell others that they left him and thus have created his own self fullfilling prophecy. He was treating me so badly the stress caused me to experience medical issues, like headaches, migraines, rashes and ulcers to name a few. Eventually I left when God told me i could stay but due to the stress, had only four years left to live, or I could leave now. Imagine hearing such a thing from anyone let alone from what I believe was God. I left. And he told all sorts of terrible stories about me to whoever would listen as a friend of mine wrote me after I left. So for your own sanity and health, you need to get out sooner than later dear. I hope things work out for you.

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Hello. I wrote here a few months ago but I had deleted my question because I wanted to see how it would end up going. I'm going to start by resaying everything that happened. I'm a guy and I'm pansexual by the way, I am someone that looks mostly for a connection and I am attracted to both sexes. But anyways, I'm writing about a guy from school. He has a girlfriend and she's in the class too. First off, he knew my name without me ever telling him. He was in my first period. He said hi to me once when he was with his friends walking down the hallway. He has blurted things to me randomly in class. One day I had dozed off and the bell rang and he sat at the front and i sat in the back and we were on opposite sides of the classroom. He came and woke me up. He has touch me gently for a few seconds when he walked by my desk, he touched my arm and he kind of massaged me from the right side of my shoulder to my back to my left shoulder. It was gentle. He has said good morning to me a few times. In class, he sat in front of me and his back was facing me. One day, I saw him trying hard not to look back at me and he looked at me for a few seconds, until I looked at him then he turned back around. One day a few weeks ago he was distracting the class sort of and the teacher told him to move tables and he came and sat next to me and he asked me tons of questions about me, like where I was from, if I was going to college, what were my plans afterwards and a bunch of other stuff. It seemed genuine, he looked me in the eyes, both his legs were under the table and I had my hand on my cheek and my elbow was on the desk and he was in that pose too. I don't know if he was imitating me or not. But he had left for a sec to answer his phone and when he came back he noticed I was looking at car pics on my phone and asked if I like cars and I said yeah and he told me he did too and that he also liked trucks and he showed me a pic of a truck. But the following week which was also last week he was walking with his friend and I didn't know he was behind me and I started hearing him call my name except he was nicknaming me and said it in a goofy voice. He just wanted to ask where I was going. Then the next day after class his friend came in (I think it might be his best friend) and they were about to leave the class for a sec and his friend, whom I don't know said hi to me. But anyways, after his friend left he called me by the same nickname again and asked me how I was and joked with me asking if I was "still driving them race cars", meaning if I was still looking at cars. Then when I answered, he said goofily "I don't want to make you late" and he left. I didn't take the goofy voice as him trying to tease me, because he is a goofy and funny person in general. But I haven't seen him since and there is only one week of school left and first period is officially over because I already did the exam for that period. I really miss him and it is too late. We first talked the other week and I wish that conversation had happened 2 months ago. I don't know him well but I've always felt like I could trust him and I don't know why I miss him this bad. He does seem like me in a lot of ways though except the only difference is he's an extrovert and I'm an introvert. This is a small town and I'm hoping to maybe run into him one day. Any kind of advice would be helpful and thanks in advance. I just want to know if this is something I should or could pursue.

You must know his name, first and last, right? Look him up on social media if you dont end up seeing him before school is out for summer.

I can't say whether he is genuinely attracted to you as a friend or as something more than a friend. The only differences are that in a couple relationship, there is the friendship but something extra, chemistry, romantic feelings, sexual attraction, but it is the something that is missing if two people are just friends. I am assumeing there is another year or so in school where you can see him this fall if all else fails. So whether you see him around town or this fall, study now on body language a person does if interested in the person they are with. The mimicing body movements that you noticed is one of them. Finding any excuse to reach out and touch is another. If he did that to a guy who was strictly hetero and only liked girls, such a guy might have tried to shrug and pull away and said something like, "Hey, what do you think you're doing, hands off buddy!" You did not. He is still leaving hints and you haven't said anything as far as even wanting to be a friend, start there and see where it goes. If he is no longer in school because you don't see him in class anymore, maybe he got out early for family vacation? You said he had other friends. I assume they are still at school and not all of them about his whereabouts. If he is still gone, you ask when he is coming back and if they think they will be in touch with him. Once you know the situation, and he hasn't moved out of the area or something like that, you ask if they will give him your cell number.

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A while back I started getting really close to a guy (being a girl myself). We became best friends pretty quickly and I felt a strong connection to him. After months of friendship he confessed to me about having a crush on me and possibly even being in love with me. However, I’ve had a boyfriend for over a year and still am very happy with him, so I naturally turned him down. At first we seemed to be able to stay good friends but he has now told me that he feels like he is dependent on me and knowing that I cannot be his really upsets him. I obviously understand that he needs his distance from me to get over his feelings and move on but I haven’t stopped crying since he told me he needed space. I feel like our friendship is over because I have no idea how many tedts would be inappropriate and what I can and cannot talk about. I’m heartbroken at this loss of the best friend that i’ve ever had and don’t know how to act towards him and how to make sure both of us wre happy..

Ahh, you are experiencing one of those tragedies in life for which there is no cure.

Often hetero friends stay just friends, neither one developing love for the other. Sometimes, both slowly begin to admire each other, then desire each other. Lastly, only one develops feelings for the other than are the 'more than just friends' variety.

The best relationships for couples are built on two things, one is being best of friends but also having that one thing friendship doesn't have, that romantic and sexual love.

Once love has developed, that is not just a feeling, not a misguiding feeling that has no basis in fact. The fact is, you can not turn off love if one or both feel love. Yes, in time it may not hurt any longer for some people while others still hurt the rest of their lives for a love lost.

If the tables were turned, you'd understand how he feels. So lets use your imagination. Put things in reverse where he is the one dating a wonderful girl, you are his friend and just confessed to him that you have feelings stronger than just friends. He likes his girlfriend so he says he'll keep dating but you can still be just friends. So you try it but it is awkward. Now that you confessed, you see things in a different light and you want to be able to kiss and cuddle but by sheer willpower you have to stop your hand from reaching out to touch him or kiss him. When you are listening to him talk, just the sound of his voice, how animated he is, body language, all of it just makes you want him more when you already know you can't have him in that way. It is pure torture to watch him and now you are afraid that any touching him, even a pat on the shoulder might be taken wrong by him because he knows how you feel. What can be more miserable than being right in front of something you can't have fully. It's like working in the bakery and smelling all those delicious smells but told the rule is you can not eat any pastry but it is all for the customer. That is also torture. I don't know what ages you are but depending on how young, the younger the people, the less the length of time of any relationship in dating until one matures and decides what they need and want for a life long partner, sweetheart. This is not the only time you will experience this. There will be times when you feel something but the other isn't interested and vice versa. This difference is real, not someone just making a snap decision off the top of their head because when things are going good and there is attraction on both sides, what you have here is chemistry or call it very similar pheromones and people subconsciously, without knowing it is doesn't have a scent one can register like all other scents we can smell, pheromones are picked up by the olfactory glands in your nose and that is transferred immediately to your brain. Your brain registers that the other person is hot looking, sexy and your thoughts now generate the emotions to go along with, feelings of excitement, of wanting to preen and pose and be your best to impress, feeling sexual excitement, feeling that comfy friendship, maybe it feels like love at first sight. This is what generally draws people together. However many do not understand how this works or ignore the fact that the feelings don't match up with the other person and many end up marrying a best friend but neither have a rewarding sex life because that chemistry is missing and there is no way to get it. I dated a guy after a divorce, so I was in my forties, and he looked like he had just stepped off the cover of a magazine, a male model, such a gorgeous hunk. The looks alone were enough to generate an instant feeling of desire. However as we dated, we realized that there was no chemistry between us. The draw we felt initially was pure sexual ones and yet we were not even the best match there either. Sometimes new relationship energy can feel like the real thing but it wears off soon and then there are no feelings. In my case, it was mutual. SO I am saying not to be bad that you do not feel about your friend romantically. There might be a slight pheromone connection, enough for him, but not for you. And the best relationship is one where the pheromones are so much the same in strength plus you are both best of friends. Often younger people don't know what it is to be a real friend and describe friends who actually sound like enemies to me. I hope just saying friend is enough for you. But if you want clarification as to what a real friend is, not what the main population seems to think, then ask me. It is important that the BF you have is someone who can meet your needs and wants, is best of friends and also there is romance, he treats you like you are a precious treasure. Think of how some guys treat their cars, as if it was a woman, always pampering, checking for spots of dirt and then washing, waxing, buffing and the list goes on. They are so into their car that they almost miss whats going on in the world around them. They are treating their car like a precious treasure. Unfortunately, many men today have dads and grandads who had no idea how to be a great mate for their lady so men today only have what they learned from observing their elders and thus there isn't much to go on or it was a dysfunctional relationship. Women need to realize that staying with the wrong guy, especially if not treated the best, only trains them further that they can get away with a lot of stuff that should not ever be happening in a couple relationship. So you will have to let your friend go, eventually he will see you less and less because it hurts him to see you, want you and know he can't have you as more than friends. This is something that no one in the world has a magic way to fix or change. It just is. However, I can only come up with thoughts based on what you write and must point you back to the following words as we tend to sometimes put our real feelings into print, when our conscious mind won't acknowledge them at all. You said:
"I’m heartbroken at this loss of the best friend that i’ve ever had." The very best? Really? Better than the guy you are currently dating? You need that close friendship, because that will get you through any harder times in life with a particular partner, any irritating stuff and so on. But there has to be chemistry. So be sure that you have absolutely zero chemistry with this male friend. Do not squash or deny feelings you have just because you have feelings for the current BF you say you're happy with.

Oh and by the way, a crush in the dictionary is: a brief but intense infatuation for someone, especially someone unattainable or inappropriate. And I can also state that a crush if they are attainable, never know of another persons feelings, even if they are single because that person is too shy, afraid of rejection or too unsure of themselves to make it known. Since he had the guts to tell you, it is not a crush in my eyes any more. He is actually in love with you. That is why he can't be around you. He can't shut off those feelings any more than you could drum up real desire for him when you never could feel that way before. It just doesn't happen. I suppose there can be one couple who goes against nature here, a fluke of nature, but in general, this doesn't happen, falling for someone you have no chemistry with. The married couples without chemistry, thought that their friendship love was as good as the romantic sexual love, or thought it actually was, because they had never experience the real thing. That is not what I am talking about when I say you can't make chemistry appear. It is either there, buried maybe, waiting to come out or not. Instead of love at first sight, there are loves where it starts as a small ember slowly growing bigger til there is a flame and eventually a blazing fire, the same blazing fire others may have felt the first time they met their sweetie. It is just as strong. However I am guessing if your friendship is only months long, you were already dating the other guy when he wanted to become your friend. He had to know you had a BF. If he truly did not have feelings, then they developed over the months. I feel it is more likely that like many men will do, they befriend the girl first, give her a chance to see what he is like as a male so they might become drawn to, admire, like and later love them. There is a chance that this is what he think and told you since you didn't pick up on it.

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Never done this before but Im in need of some outside advice(kinda complex). I just turned 20 a few months ago. I graduated early from highschool in 2018 and also from a local technical college that I attended half days (during highschool) for 2 years near a pretty good size city of over 500,000. Ive been working in a small town since I was 14 for farmers and a local lumber yard, I grew up 25 miles outside the city limits. When I was a sophomore I knew what I wanted to do for a career so I had a job lined up with a local heating and air company and after almost a year with them I was offered a real good job with another company that a good friend of mine has worked with for years (commission and hard work but pays real well and company vehicle with great benefits). So with all that being said I moved out of my parents wonderful home on the farm in January of 2019 to a nice 2 story single family rental in a decent part of the city. There I have 3 roomates who have lived there for almost a year now and i was able to move in because one of them (a good friend of mine since we were kids) was transferring colleges to one that's almost 2 hours away so he needed someone to take his lease and it worked for me financially so I took it. So he is my age and he was living there with his older sister who is 25 and one of her friends who is 26 (female) who is engaged and will be moving out in a few months, then the 3rd roomate is my friends cousin who is 22 hes pretty nice guy, I get along with him great. Everyones really not home much, we all work a lot and do stuff with friends and whatnot all the time but me and my best friends sister are home probably most often. I've always had a thing for her since I've been around her/ her family way back in 4th grade. I always found her attractive but because of the age difference we never really had talked much. Her family is awesome, I'll stop by even after my buddy moved off to college and have a beer with their parents and bullshit with them. Now I'm living with their daughter and when I first moved in here, her and I were very playful and always teasing and flirting. I want to be very clear I didnt move in here for my buddys sister and he let me know before I moved in she has a boyfriend, not to try anything, I understood that, it was just going to be better for me to have roommates because I came from a family of 6, me being the oldest and I didnt quite want to adjust to living all alone. So her and I didnt know each other that well prior to living here, I would always see her at her parents for family stuff or whenever we were hanging out there. Now living with her I realize why I've always been so attracted to her, and not just physically. Shes a really sweet girl and always in a great mood, whenever I see her smiling no matter the mood I'm in I'll find myself smiling too. Shes absolutely gorgeous and her laugh is contagious, I look forward to spending time with her any chance I get. Shes absolutely gorgeous, very classy, my idea of a woman. For a while I wasnt sure if she felt anything for me so I just kept it lighthearted and playful, and I kept my eyes open for other girls because I understood she has a boyfriend. One night I had a girl over and my roommate (the girl) wasnt home but ended up coming home and expressed to me privately that she was jealous but then I could tell she meant it. From there it's just gotten more intimate, we lay in each others beds cuddled up or on the couch till late hours talking and cuddling and exchanging kisses in sensual areas but nothing more than that. Weve talked once about her current boyfriend (of 1 year, hes 28) and she says how she never feels as comfortable around him as she does me and also how hes not very involved with her family. Her family tells me how hes just awkward and not all that friendly. I havent talked to her brother (my friend) about any of this (although he mentioned the fact how his sister is 25 and hasnt found her love yet). I've talked to our other roomate, the guy who's her cousin and he thinks shes way happier when shes around me versus when shes with her boyfriend. The challenges are that shes got a boyfriend who shes invested time into and he treats her well, its just not burning with passion, shes 5 years older than me and her brother is my real good friend, and that I already live with her- I'm just supposed to be a roomate. I dont wanna risk my friendship with him and his family over his sister but if it really was to work out it could be something amazing. I like the location i live in but if we were to be together i could find another place to rent easily. I could either stay here and try and shut my feelings off for her or I have the opportunity to move to a rental that's out near where I was raised in the countryside which would be cheaper, just a longer drive to work, and I'd be doing this to make it easy on the both of us to not create any further deeper feelings. I think she would understand. But honestly I just want to stay here in town and continue to enjoy being around her in hope's that eventually she'll leave her current relationship and maybe take some time for herself (which even if we live together for longer it's not hard to find alone time cause everyones schedules are different and I usually spend the weekends out at my parents if I'm not working or with friends) I feel if she moves on from him and I give her the space she needs that things could work out, but these are all just what ifs... I'm just a little confused and wondering if anyone has advice or maybe even been in a similar situation. I'm a man of opportunity and while this seems like a great one I cant help but think of the negatives that could come.
I had one serious relationship of 2 years in highschool that I learned a lot from, and another short term one with a girl that was 23 when I was 19 that was very healthy (although I lived with her practically the entire time) and ended on good terms mutually that I also learned a lot from. I havent been in a relationship for over a year now but I really have enjoyed the time I've had to myself and with friends and family. I'm not in any hurry but it recently has started to bother me when she goes to be with her boyfriend although I do not show it. One night I asked her what her plans were and she looked at me and said I'm leaving and I said "they always do" and she said quickly "but they always come back, I'll always come back" -as in I'll always come back to you. I said you can keep coming back but I just might not. She acted concerned but I just kinda walked away and left it at that. It's hard for me to hide my feelings at this point. The times we spend together laughing and sharing things and genuinely enjoying each other are amazing but sometimes afterwards I cant help but lie in bed alone thinking about how wrong that is, she has a boyfriend and he has no idea, and I have no clue what she could see in me that makes her inclined to be with me. I try not to beat myself up or think about it too much but lately it's getting harder to do. I'm starting to build strong feelings for her but in my heart I feel that deep pull that's telling me it's just gonna hurt more when I leave or she finally says shes committed to him and that we would never work out, that it's too big a gamble. Her dads a quiet man but he loves me to pieces and her mom always jokes about me eventually being her son in law and part of the family. God I like the sound of that but damn it hurts to think it could happen but that theres pretty good probability it wont, maybe I'm just overthinking it all and shes just not getting attention from him so she gets it from me. I'm sure I left stuff out but I'll fill in any blanks if I can.
Just about me. I'm kinda wild, I party on the weekends but it's more about having a good time with my best friends, I do a lot of pretty insane stuff. I'm sure I'll slow down. I'm mature in about every other aspect. I work my job religiously, I do a lot of side work other than just heating and air, i do framing and trim carpentry, painting roofing siding windows doors plumbing fencing and some electrical, have my own health and truck insurance, pay rent and have investments and multiple bank CDs and have a 401k with my employer. I am super conservative with money and have a $40,000 truck that I take real good care of and multiple bank accounts that are lined well. I am saving to buy some land and build my own place here within the next 2 years. Im not saying this to brag but I think it could be part of the reason why she may see me as a viable candidate because I have some maturity for my age. My parents dont pay a dime, if they did I'd be off in college like a bunch of my other friends, but I've always known I couldn't (or rather didnt want to) afford that. I enjoy my job and I make more than most guys twice my age and more than a lot of people will with their degrees, I've got it pretty good I'd just like solve this girl situation so I can either figure to settle down and invest myself in her or just move out, keep saving and busting my ass for a girl I may have not met quite yet. I know theres plenty of fish in the sea, this one just seems right for me.

This gal is riding the fence and wants a foot in both courts, the boyfriend and you. SHe needs to make up her mind as to what she needs and wants in a guy. What she is doing now is not right. She needs to end it with the first guy before moving on with you. Having any kind of relationship that is more than friends or more than room mates is not fair to the other guy and is in fact cheating. It doesn't even have to be sex if it is more about getting just her emotional needs and everything else from you. If it were the other way around, and you dated a girl who was falling for a guy who was her roommate, I am sure you would be having a fit.

It would be smarter to talk things out with her. Age difference can initially catch a persons entire thoughts, freeze theier brain so they can't really think through all the bits and piecdes, the plusses and minuses. I should know, it happened to me. I needed time to get over the fact and became a friend with benefits to a guy 20 years younger than I. It was after my divorce, and a time inbetween where I hadn't found the one I wanted for a boyfriend yet. Eventually I warmed up to the idea. Maybe warming up to the idea is the issue, maybe not. But tucking the thought on a back burner in ones mind, and not giving it any thought, just living in the moment is nice but not really healthy in this situation. You are the one asking for help, not her and yet, she is the one with issues.
I know it may hurt if she fails to respond the way you wish but an ultimatum may shake her up enough to really stop and look at what is right and what is wrong for her. So I would suggest a heart to heart talk. Alone, with no room mates or her family or anyone else around to distract her. You could tell her if you were the other boyfriend, you wouldn't like it if she was messing around with a male roommate but still pretending to want to date you. So until she makes a decision, you will treat her and regard her as only a room mate. If she has realized the other guy is not the best guy for her, then she needs to let him know and break up. No one else can do it for her. I know many people are afraid of being the one to instigate a break up but it is actually in the other persons best interests. They will be hurt by a break up but they will hurt more if after a few years of marriage, their mate finally says, I want out, I am not really into you. ONe can't avoid the hurt if that is what is holding her back. You might explain this to her if she says she is afraid of hurting him. Otherwise, whatever excuse she has for still being with him, you need to have an answer or advice in return. If she does feel like he is a best friend, but you are friend and feel more like a lover, then the next piece is what needs to be explained.

Successful happy relationships are built on a foundation of two things, one being each others best friend and second being each others sexual equal. By that, I mean that you have enough in common there starting with both having the same kind of libido, a high or low one. Too lows ones may not have sex often but it suits both and there isn't one who wants more but isn't getting what they need. Then there is all the other stuff, and also being people who both put the other first and wanting to please and satisfy them first and fully before seeking ones own pleasure. From a second marriage to a guy my sexual equal, I can tell you that when both of us are seeking to please the other at the same time, neither has to wait for their turn to be satisfied and it seems impossible to not be satisfied when both of us have that goal in mind. It Takes the loving and romance and sex to another level that many often do not experience. Many marry a person who is only their best friend or only have terrific sex with but not both. The one without a friend in their mate will fight and treat each other like crap but have great sex and figure thats a good marriage. The ones withs who married a best friend but have no chemistry in the love and romance department, can't dream of leaving this person because they are so sweet and wonderful and good but they lack a sexual part of the relationship and so one or both will end up seeking sex outside the relationship. I met a guy like that who was honest with me and told me why he had wanted to meet and he loved his wife, she was his best friend but he had no sex for years and years and so he was seeking a sex partner. I told him I was seeking someone who could be both for me, not just a sex partner so not interested. This is probably one great reason why there is so much divorce.

I don't think you should give up yet, not until you have talked and know exactly what is going on in her mind. She does know that her parents adore you, right? I know that you know but if they haven't told her and you haven't told her, that piece of info is great. Often parents with their having more world experience and also knowing their child really well, are good judges of who would be a great mate for their child. If she doesnt begin to change and wants to just play around with you but not commit and leave the other guy, then you will likely have to move out as you said. You might try first telling her that you are going back to treating her only as a roommate, nothing extra, no cuddling, no kisses., at least until she makes up her mind to commit to dating just one guy at a time. If she feels the other guy is best, then because of your feelings for her, you will leave to make it easier for you to move on. For a short while, you will treat her as only a roommate, not a girlfriend but she has to make a decision. Don't give her how much time she has, no deadline. But you decide when to give up if she doesn't make a decision to break up with the other and commit to you. If she said she was jealous when you had a girl over, that was the time to have an indepth conversation about this. This means no more of this cat and mouse teasing comments that really say nothing at all as in this example you wrote:

"One night I asked her what her plans were and she looked at me and said I'm leaving and I said "they always do" and she said quickly "but they always come back, I'll always come back" -as in I'll always come back to you. I said you can keep coming back but I just might not. She acted concerned but I just kinda walked away. This could have gone so much different. You tried hinting and when it comes to two people testing each other out carefully to see if they might be able to date, hinting is the worst thing because I hear from so many females wanting to know what their guy meant when he said 'such and such' and in most cases it was some cryptic comment that I or her would have no idea what he meant. I am not a mind reader, neither are other females. We need to hear your thoughts in plain black and white. This may be her version of flirting and playing dangerous but she may not feel you are all that serious if she inteprets half of what you say as not really being interested in her or in love with her. If I announced I was leaving, as in I was going out somewhere and hear 'they always do' for an answer, my mind works differently than some people, I probably would not have picked up on it and the meaning the guy meant. I would not have understood. Asking me where I was going or if I meant I was leaving as a room mate would be what I can understand someone asking for clarification on. Simply hearing 'they always do, I personally would have gone 'Huh? What do you mean?' A big problem with couples is that when they don't understand something said, they almost never ask the other person to rephrase what they just said in other words or ask for clarification. They simply shrug their shoulders and ask advice columns or their friends what a guy meant and will probably get a dozen different possiblities. I am in the dark here, not knowing you both personally, so its' even harder to go just by what is written to me, read between the lines and give a helpful answer or interpretatiob. So remember I said to talk, really talk, from the heart and restate what you are trying to convey in many forms so there is no question in her mind what you mean.

When she said, ""but they always come back, I'll always come back" you could have gone for clarification as in asking, "Are you talking about coming back here because you are a room mate here or are you talking about coming back as a more personal reason, as in for a person, specifically me." Now she would have had to say, I am just going on a date but I will be home later tonight." Then you could have said something along the lines of, so you will be back, always coming back here because this is where you currently live, not to because you want to be with me, as a couple, as in dating... sorry but I want to be clear on this since you once said you were jealous, and you like to cuddle with me and kiss. Your quip about her coming back is fine but you might not be there, told her nothing. It is confusing if she has no idea you love her and want her to be the only woman for you forever. Obviously there is chemistry or she wouldn't want cuddles and kisses.

Walking away rather than taking time to explain to her where you stand is not fair to her. You have to rise above the male tendency to say as little as possible, not explain things and not ask questions is imperitive if you even want a fair chance at her. Do not assume she totally understands what is going on here. When I had a friend with benefits thing with a guy in his twenties and I was in my late forties, this all before I finally met my second husband, he was into older women and felt he had fallen in love with me. Being younger and doing what you are doing, he never really clearly came out and told me that his interest went back beyond sex, kisses and cuddling. He was okay in the beginning, then when I announced I was leaving to stay with a pregnant daughter 3 months from delivery, while her husband was out on a nayy ship and I said I would likely not be back and stay and enjoy being a grandma, he was upset. When I saw he looked sad and depressed, I ask what was up, and his answer, You should know. I did not know because he had never said or done anything clear. I said, don't worry, we'll keep in touch on facebook or email. Then he finally said, I want more. It was then the thought hit me that maybe he had fallen for me. So I told him right then that he had to remember that I told him he was just a friend and I was still looking for my one mate for the rest of my life. With the man I married, I knew in the first week how he felt about me and he knew how I felt about him. of course we are older and not scared to share the truth. How else was either of us to know. So now you know what to do.

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I just turn 30 yesterday, and in a relationship with a guy that is six years younger than me, that has up and downs like any other. We're daring for a year and a half now . I've been married once when i was 22 that lasted two years ,i'm an Artis and a fashion designer and need to be alone a lot but since my divorce it's like i've been use to take care of myself alone and use to live alone ,i like it ,it's like i'm recharging myself when i'm alone ,it's suits me best .
Now we began to talk about the future and it's scares the hell out of me just to think about living with someone else, it's like i'm being limited somehow and it's like i can't breath anymore, he suggested to move in together and it's like HELL, i should've been happy and excited but i'm not , I don't know if the reason is him or me...
If you ask that i love him? because i'm a moody person i would say times yes others no, he's a good guy , but i just don't know , we broke up twice for a week and got together again , it's the first serious relationship of his and he's really making a big effort to make it work . I made a mistake once i married even though i knew it wouldn't last long ,and now i'm having this thoughts again, scared or unstable you name it. I don't know what to do or think ,I can't make any decision . He's trying more than me , he's giving to relationship more than me ..What should i do?

Okay, first I must say that a failed previous relationship can affect future ones. But they don't have to. The only thing really happening here that I can tell is not him doing bad things to you, how he treats you but its the bad thoughts and thus the emotions of worry that come along after thoughts. I do know that some people are like hermits and will never do well living with someone else. However that personality type is one of the smallest percent and thus, the likelihood of you being one like that is pretty slim as well. I may be wrong but I am not thinking its a matter of wanting to be a loner. There are couples where one or both prefer to spend time on themselves, following whatever it is that they want to learn and adapt into their life, always looking to improve and boost who they are as a person, not wanting a mate to make up for what they are lacking because then one leans too heavy on the other for everything and will not grow as a person. Some relationships are so good that both are so into each other they have no time for any of the rest of the world around them, maybe even not their own kids and that would be the other extreme. At 30, you are far from being s child and are at an age where you are defining who and what you are. I believe that can still be done if you are with the right partner. A guy who will respect who you are, who you want to become, and is willing to uphold and support you in all you do and want to do would be a good choice for you. There isn't enough info for me to know if this guy is such a man. Just because he is 6 years younger does not necessarily mean it can't work. He may be very mature for his age so as far as maturity, he is like a man in his thirties instead.
What I will say, is that I think it a good idea for you to go get some counseling, like a checkup, to see if there is anything going on with you mentally or not. When you said "If you ask that i love him? because i'm a moody person i would say times yes others no," that was like a warning sign to me. When you are truly in love, its not on again off again. I am not a mental health professional but There is enough of this in friends and extended family that I am to a point where I can see something isn't quite right, although it takes a professional to figure out exactly what as many symptoms overlap. Please do not think I am saying you are crazy or broken or a basket case. All I am saying is that most mental problems all stem from negative or distorted thinking and bellieve me, even the normal people engage in distorted thoughts often enough. What we do differently is we don't continue to dwell on those same thoughts and replace them with corrected, happy thoughts. So if you decide to see a psychologist, I do have one warning, if you really want the chance of being treated without the Dr. automatically wanting to fix things with medication, then you need to search for a Dr. who is trained in CBT which is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Using this method in helping patients has helped 90 % of people have a normal life and only about 10% actually need medications. If you are into working on yourself, just checking into this would be helpful. If you'd rather check this out by reading books instead, then I would recommend the writings of retired Psychologist David D Burns who has a web page : https://feelinggood.com/

In case I am totally off track by your written words, I still feel some counseling could help at far as processing the failed marriage and what was wrong with it, and knowing exactly what went wrong and knowing how to spot it in the future, and that can get rid of fears or indecision. I can relate to that because first husband was verbally abusive and yet I stayed due to the churches teachings that God does not condone divorce. It wasn't until almost thirty years later I was ready to hear from God who said he gave everyone a free will and the husband had plenty of time by now to decide to change and become a better man and husband and father. I was told that it was my decision to stay or go however if I stayed, the stress would kill me in 4 years or if I left, I would like to see my children married and be a grandmother. I am a social person and a private loner in equal amounts. My 2nd husband does not have the patience to deal with answering questions on an advice column but admires me for it and will tell people proudly that I do this and allows me to do this whenever I wish and supports it whole heartedly. When I starting dating after a divorce, of course I had the thoughts of what if I couldn't tell another guy was going to be as bad as my ex. But then I thought of all the warning signs I had learned from being married to the ex and I knew I could spot these things in other people too. See, I felt sure of my ablity to do so. I am thinking perhaps you may not feel so sure. I was tested with the first boyfriend who I rented with. He turned out to be a drinker and as bad as my ex. When I wouldn't do exactly as he wished, in a fit he left and never came back and left me in the lurch with an apartment I couldn't afford on my own. But I realized the good part was I noticed what he was doing and did not cave in to him and stood up for myself. I started internet dating and anyone who passed by being reasonable on line and seemed to meet my criteria, I met in person. Most were guys who were nice but there was no chemistry between us. However there were some asses, who lied to me from the beginning and one who explained away his lies by yelling a person has the chance to change their mind on something if they want to. It was nothing but BS to hopefully divert me from noticing or thinking he was bad. Lying is bad and even worse with a mate like that. I met a guy I liked for the first 3 dates. By then he felt he had caught me and nothing would make me leave now so instead of continueing to pretend to be the someone I was looking for, he turned back into his real self which was exactly like my ex. NO, his verbal abuse wasn't directed at me, not yet, but I had learned where you see one peek of a bad trait, there are more of the same that just haven't surfaced yet. I could share more details but none of those bad guys won my heart because they were not what I needed and what I wanted.

An example of a woman I knew, grew up with a mean alcoholic father who beat them all. She needed and married a man who never yelled, never drank, was even tempered and had no anger problems, was always gentle and patient when conversing with her, etc. If she had married a basically good guy but who had a bad habit of yelling or cussing at himself when something went wrong, it would have freaked her out because of her past. SHe picked well with him. Likewise, you need to know what you need in traits but you have to understand first what you don't want and that is through experiences we have, the negative experiences. If you want me to send you the full story explaining more in detail what you can do to feel very self assured when looking for Mr Right, just ask me for the Mr. Right document and I will post it for you. But you must write to my c olumn first and then post your question from there or I will not be able to answer you if you try to do it any other way. I wish you the best and know you can successfully move forward in life, no matter what exactly is holding you back.


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So apparently this guy that I like had a crush on me in the past (and might still? It was recent), but another girl is super forward about her crush on him, like leaning her head on him and stuff, etc. He usually looks pretty awkward but is still good friends with her. Him and I only recently finally started talking and texting each other. She's much more bold than me... it seems like he might be starting to like her. What do i do?? I used to be pretty cold (in order to hide I liked him), and recently started opening up a bit, and he is starting conversations and stuff now a lot more since then. But she is a lot closer to him and I don't know if he still likes/can like me again. Any tips on what to do? :')

If you are asking what can you do to ensure he is not interested in her but just in you, well, that is tricky. I Will explain. Lets say two girls who were exactly alike in personality approached him. What will be the determining factor that he is even attracted beyond looks? He could like both, just one or neither. What is this mysterious thing that makes you notice one person over the other? It's called chemistry and I would refer to that as the pheromones we are born with. In the animal kingdom, pheromones are what attract one animal to another for mating purposes. In humans, there haven't been as much studies but because there is a way we pick up on pheremone scents with our nose or more scientifically explained as impulses being sent to the brain from the smell receptors (Olfactory nerves) in the mucous membrane of the nose. So this explains why you can be drawn to someone you have only just glimpsed and know nothing about, and why it is impossible to know if you have a chemistry or pheremone connection with another. To explain how it works, I simply tell others what I have experienced. A kiss from someone I have a strong chemistry with will be wonderful and make my heart and stomach do flips. On the other hand, being kissed by someone I liked as a friend and checking to see if we may have any small amount of chemistry, is more like a gross feeling, like being kissed romantically by your Dad or Grandpa. Just yuck. We have no control over who will have a good reaction to our own pheromone scent. It is something also that we can smell like other scents as it doesn't have a scent detectable by your nose. What all this means to you and this guy and other gal? Well, he may or may not desire her for a girlfriend if he does or does not feel this chemistry with her. YOung men are more into simply experiencing sex if they can and find they don't need to feel chemistry if it iss about lust and not love. Although some aren't attracted/can't perform if there isn't at least a small amount of chemistry.
This means, he has already had plenty chances for this olfactory sense to pick up on her and on your pheromones. That is the first step where a guy is interested but not sure yet if the girl is going to be the best match for him. He needs to spend time with her to see if there is something like friendship besides the romantic feelings. We don't act on every one of the times we feel an attraction because it is not always right to, especially is the person is dating or married. It just means our olfactory senses are working and that our bodies react as our brain starts to produce thoughts about the object of our affection. So just because she is more open in showing him that she is attracted to him, doesn't not necessarily mean he is attracted back. When we start having interest in the opposite sex at or after puberty, we are barely starting to explore relationships and have no idea what works and doesn't. Guys will be shy and often too afraid of rejection to ask out a girl they feel this attraction to. It is much easier if the girl comes after him. However if he doesn't like her as a girlfriend, he will either tell her of quietly go along with it because it would be good experience. He is not dating her yet. So you have a chance. In fact, most dating relationships when in HS, or in our twenties, are still in the learning curve. And when we make mistakes, those relationships crash and burn. You acted cold or indifferent before and I can relate. I did the same because for the most part, I didn't like guys my age, they were too immature so to be safe and not have to guess which ones were mature, I acted in ways to block them all out. Now that you have decided to be friendly, he will have a chance to get to know you. The best way for guys to learn if they like a girl and admire her is to spend time together as friends. If that goes well, at some time in the future you state, "We're doing so well as friends, it makes me wonder how we would do as more than friends. What do you think? If he says its a good idea, then he feels the kind of chemistry needed to be more than friends and that is the only difference between a friend and a life long mate. But both should have friendship although many drop the friendship part and go for guys who treat them like garbage and stay only because of the sex connection. All that may be a ways off for you but I am just explaining how it works.

So you both are talking and texting. If he initiates some calls or conversation, then he is interested in you and you don't have to worry about the other girl. Be yourself and know that the right guy is going to find you adorable and want you for his girlfriend. If he is not attracted that way, then its not because of another female but simply the chemistry is not there. My 2nd husband I picked wisely after learning things the hard way. The first husband had zero pheromone connection and yet we had kids and were married almost 30 years. But that was only because I put up with crap and mistreatment as well. I now have a man whose eyes fill with desire for me, I see that in his eyes, he wants to touch, kiss, be near me. We are best friends as well as lovers and happily married. Because he is a man who feels males responsibilities to women are to uphold and support them in whatever they do, I come first but he is this way with female family members, female friends and my favorite example, the elderly female neighbor whose clothesline broke and lay on the ground and she was draping clothes to dry on racks instead. He noticed the broken clothesline and offered to put it up again for her. Thats what I am talking about, not doing special things to get in a females pants, just being helpful and caring as one would a friend. It is hard to find a young man who knows what he wants in a gal early on. Many don't figure it out til late 20s or into their 30s.
So in the meanwhile, enjoy yourself, smile, greet males by name, the ones you are attracted to, have actual face to face conversations with. Don't let texting be your only mode of contact. It is much harder for a guy to fall for a girl when it is not a flowing conversation and you get the bits and pieces as the person is around to hear a text came in. You also miss body language, facial expressions and hearing each others laugh. LOL does not come anywhere near as great as the feeling a male has when he said something that a female laughed at or like for myself when I have said something funny that either put a grin on husbands face or better, his deep wholehearted laugh or chuckle. Hearing laughter from the person you are crazy about is like an aphrodisiac, and makes me adore, desire and enjoy even just the friendship part of our relationship. So being friendly, talk to the guy. Guys are visually attracted to females and often will go first to what stands out. But do not worry dear if you don't look like a model but the girl next door instead. In university studies and tests done on a group of volunteer men and woman, they were observed when they did not know that the waiting room they were in til called, was the actual test. Scientists wants to see what men were actually attracted to. Participants were carefully chosen so the beautiful model type females were drama queens but insecure and the average to plain looking women were very self confident. They observed men intially seeking out the prettier women, but they didn't stay long and gravitated to the women with self confidence because to males, that is like the moth being attracted to the flame. Self confidence is the best thing you can wear. If a guy you catch ends up trying to tear up your self confidence and treats you crappy, he is the wrong guy. Don't be so desperate to have a boyfriend that you will put up with crap. In a way, females who are desperate and will put up with anything, are actually training males to be asses because there is never any repercussions for acting mean towards females. You would think the odds are against you with there being more females usually than males. Then figure out of the male population, only a small percent are single as in not married or in a life long relationship, and the rest have only a small percent again of men who are good guys who are not afraid of falling in love and treating his girl like a Queen, princess, or a treasure. Then there are the few good men always wondering why all the women they run into are poor excuses for a female, bitchy, mean, drama queens, into themselves and only want a man like a new accessory...like a purse, shoes, earrings, to only look better to others because she has a guy holding her hand. I have heard from men of all ages that they wish there were more level headed, self assured, understanding and loving women out there. Start practicing now dear and in a few years as guys grow older and more mature, or maybe right away, someone will notice you and males will start to talk to you and want to date, to kiss, etc. But make sure you are getting the good guy, not the player. The player will say and do anything to make you think he's really into you as a whole when he is only attracted to the outside of you. Just because a guy wants to kiss and more does not mean he is looking out for your best interests, is in love with you. Look first for if he is wanting to be a great friend to you and if hie is consistant in his good traits. If a guy veers from a good trait to sometimes do something bad like yell at you or demeaning stuff then apologize but he does it again in the future, then he is no good and not worth your time. This should help you with the current guy and the many others you may date in the future.

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26/F

I recently reconnected with this guy who I used to be friends with. He lives in California (my hometown) and I live in NYC. The guy is in a long-term poly relationship with this woman who lets him have sex with whoever he wants. When we first got back in touch with each other again, stuff got pretty heated. Since then, we have been sexting and having phone sex over the last 6 months.

I just came back to California for a vacation, and sent him a text letting him know that I'm back in town, and asking about when we were going to hook up. It has been a few days now and he hasn't responded. What is going on?? Does this mean he doesn't like me anymore or doesn't want to see me? If he was busy but did want to meet up at some point, would he have sent me some kind of acknowledging response? Why would a guy want to do cybersex with someone for 6 months and then not want to have sex with them when the opportunity comes up?

It sounds like you like him know not before you left but once you arrived. For all you know, he might have had plans and had no idea you were coming into the area. What if he went on vacation too but left his cell at home? You don't know. If this is your first experience with and it is true poly, I am familiar with it and know that it comes in many forms...usually a core couple and then each has their other loves, some which they see on a regular basis and others who live out of state, or travel for work and are only around on specific days. I knew a lady who was excited about her poly love in Hawaii visiting in our town.She didn't see him but twice a year. So every poly love in town had to wait as she prioritized time with him while he was in town. Poly is more about a real love relationship than just the sex as it is in swinging. I know the difference and hope you do to. I have met plenty who did not know the difference, swingers pretending to be poly to get me. I am remarried and both hubby and I have poly experiences in our past, nothing major, mostly people we knew who were poly.We have the mentality for it. We are not jealous and we know we'll always be together. We are what would be a core relationship if we both found others. However we're not looking. If it happens it happens. So I suggest you try twice in one day calling, not texting and see if he answers. If he doesn't, his phone is turned off, not working but you'd still hear the ring and message if mssg box isn't full, or he is not at home and left it there. You may not be able to work it out this time.

If I misunderstand and he knew you were coming over, if he was really into you and wanted you as part of his poly network, then he would have made time for you and been expecting you. If I had someone coming into town I hadn't seen in a long time and we were lovers, I would be where ever I had to be when they got in town, whether arriving at the airport, by train, by car and meet the person immediately, even if for a short few minutes until we had some real time together. I am guessing you were kind of hoping for that kind of excitement. Do not rely on text messages because you never know when a person will see them. I tell my own kids, if you really need an answer from me right away, dont text. I might not hear it. I ask them to call so if can see the phone light up next to me even If I don't hear the ring or have it accidently turned off or forgot to turn it back on after being somewhere like at a movie. Talking in person in a call is still way better than texting.

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I’ve been with my boyfriend going on three years now, and we have a one-year-old son together, and a have a daughter four-year-old daughter from a previous relationship, and he’s been in her life since she was one and he loves her as much as her father. Previous to our relationship before I met my current boyfriend I was going threw a stage trying to find myself so I messed around with one of his friends that constantly came to my job trying to talk to me at that time I was freshly single from a 8 years long relationship so I went for it and it was the worst thing I ever did he never told me of his girlfriend so when I found out I was so mad I slept with one of his friends one time and that’s was the biggest regret of my life because now I’m bestfriend with his current girlfriend now and I’m with another friend and I don’t feel guilty because I’m happy but when we’re all together I feel very weird even though it was 3 years ago none of us ever discuss it since than and I’m in love with my current boyfriend now but I relationship is not as good as I want it to be some days it’s really great and others days we barely speak he comes home late after being with his friends all night some times til 6 or 8 I’m the morning we never go on any dates we both currently live at his home with his mom he doesn’t work but I’m currently a full time student so I don’t either but I do other work on the side like doing makeup and hosting making classes and since he doesn’t have a job he always asking me for money for everything I bought him a $4000 truck and I don’t even have a car myself but I knew if I didn’t he would hit me or throw me out and my kids and I wouldn’t have anywhere to stay since we have gotten together I never cheated not in any type of way I’ve been 100% faithful to him but he has I did eventually leave for a about 6-7 months and got my own apartment because I thought maybe we would’ve be better apart but that didn’t work I heard he had mutiple girls around him down his mother house riding on the four wheeler I just got repaired for him and that cost $2000 he didn’t have a truck at the time he got others that he would talk to to drop him off at my house while I was pregnant with his son he threaten to kill me he punch holes in my walls he smashed my tv he hit me in face while I was holding my son he kicked me while I was pregnant with my son he cut my clothes off me when I tried to leave him I bought a car last year and it was my very first car it wasn’t perfect but it was mines and low mileage I cant drive so I bought something to practice in until I bought what really wanted and messed it up he took from me made me sign over the title in his name give him both keys after I told him no he slammed me down chocked me til I almost stop breathing I was just thinking I was going to die he punched me in my head dragged me down the hallway while my kids were looking at me my daughter was screaming stop and crying I had hip surgery in 2010/2016 and I had a pin in my hip and he knocked it loose and my leg was completely paralyzed again I lost my job at that time when I was working and I was also currently pregnant with another child but I gave her up for adoption because I didn’t want her to go threw any pain I wanted her to be love both times I gave birth he wasn’t there I never saw my daughter face as soon as she came out her adoptive mother Katie was there I spent 4 days in the hospital by myself he didn’t even pick up the phone to check on me just asked me for some money he says he love me but I don’t know anymore I’m afraid to be on my own and I know if I try and leave with his son he will kill me I take my courses online so I rarely leave the house unless it’s for makeup but he’s always gone and when I leave he always thinks I’m cheating and I never have and we fight about that I can have any passwords on my phone so he can have access but I can’t touch his phone he says he’s not cheating but I don’t believe him because of his past I’m honestly stuck and I don’t know what to do I just need help

Normally I would share how I had a verbally abusive ex and what it took for me to leave forever. However, you are not yet in the frame of mind to be able to leave and stay away. Abuse can mess badly with your mind. The stress of abuse has to go somewhere and it either affects your mental and emotional health or it hits you physically as in getting plagued by many stress caused illnesses. Thats what happened to me. You said you left for6-7 months but it didn't work. I can tell you that it won't work until you get some counseling and see how this is not only bad for you but for the children. Children learn from observing. So you are currently raising a future possible abuser or at least the child will be scarred by the emotional crap so badly that the child struggles to have a normal adult life themselves. I have 3 kids. And with just verbal abuse, I can see now how they are affected in their adult lives, one is afraid of marriage and another married a questionable person who was simply looking for someone to take care of them and the last married a person with mental problems who is physically abusive. I wish I had left him earlier. If I can help anyone, I know it has to be someone really ready. Right now you need a way to get free of him so I suggest you call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline. Let them know whats going on. They can put you in touch with resources in your area so all your needs are taken care of and steps taken to help you get free of him, if you are ready to leave. They also work to help you get to the point you understand all the reasons why how he treats you is wrong. Heres the number: 1-800-799-7233

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I'm a 30/F and I work in retail. One of my co-workers is an eighteen year old lesbian. Despite our age difference, we became fast friends. In the months we've worked together, I've become aware that I have romantic/sexual feelings for her. Over the years, I've had periodic feelings for other women, but never one so young. I tried to fight them at first, but I guess she could sense my attraction and, to my surprise, began to subtly flirt with me. Long story short, about a month ago, we went out for coffee after work and ended up kissing for the first time. We've been dating since then.

I'm really struggling with my feelings right now. Part of me feels this is wrong and that I shouldn't be involved with her like this. Part of me feels like I should see where it leads. She is of age, after all, so it's not like I'm doing anything illegal, even if society might frown on it. I don't know...I'm so confused! I hope someone may be able to offer some helpful advice and I hope this doesn't mean I'm some kind of deviant.

I see no problem with this at all. SHe is of legal age. Who cares what others think. Oh yeah, we all do when we are younger. It takes getting to my age 60, or a at least by age 45 give or take when people don't give a crap what others think. That alone would freeze me up and stop me from trying things when I was younger.

It isn't the age difference that should matter to you but whether you both have lots of things in common and that you can have a meeting of minds. Now I will tell a little story of mine to help you understand what I mean when I said
'meeting of minds'. After a divorce from my ex, I stayed with my sis out of state a while. While there, I decided I would get back in the dating world and set up my profile. One of the guys who answered was a 26 year old teacher. He, like my 2nd husband I met later, are both men who will always be sexually attracted to older women. He was a gentleman, asked to just be friends, as we both played guitar and planned on doing kareoke together.I had no real friends in the area, just my sister so I agreed. Heck I had son in law his age so yes, the age thing can make you feel awkward at the start. When I saw his eyes change with desire for me after a couple months, he hadn't said a thing but I spoke out and said,
Oh, no no no, I can't get involved with you for sex because we are too different in age. He was a gentleman and said If I changed my mind, I'd have to let him know. After some time, we became sexual because I had time to get used to the idea. However, I knew that we would never be more than friends with benefits because he talked like my own kids, words and slang I did not know or understand for one thing. We only had the guitar playing in common, nothing else and because there was over 20 years difference in ages, he was a totally different generation. So the cartoons, shows, singers, bands, movies, etc that I grew up with, most he had never experienced or seen. His other interests like scary movies, car races, lots of sports, and so on, were not interests of mine not because I had never experienced them. I had and found I was not interested in watching any of those. Our minds did not think alike, and we did not have the same opinions or thoughts on anything going on in the world. So at the point I was ready to tell him that this couldn't be anything more than just friends with benefits, he had met someone his age and actually liked her so that ended. I have heard from my now husband that as a teen of 18, 19 he dated divorced women who were 30 or 35, somewhere in there. In his 20s, he had single women aging older like late forties to 50 hitting on him when he was a busboy at a restaurant and they kept after him. Eventually he ended up with some of them for 2 years, one for 4 or 5 max but it always ended. I am only a year older than him but we have so much in common we can finish each others sentences and know what the other is thinking. Now that is an exceptional thing and I know not many have but I love it. I have seen a video that I will post for you, of a lesbian couple, one in twenties and one in thirties. The younger one came across as being mature and sure enough of herself that she seemed to be of compatible age before the older gal knew the age. That is what I am talking about, if maturity and mentally, you both can reach a place that works for you both. Here's the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyn9E3lGT-s

As you will notice, they mention the exact age gap and it's 12 years, just as it is for you and your GF. Yes, there is some extra life experience one has vs the other but 12 years is not that much that puts you in totally different generations which is the more challanging of a couple relationship, still do-able but will have more issues to face and get around.

Enjoy the relationship for now. She is 18, so she may not yet have discovered exactly what she needs and wants in a gf/mate and may come to a point where they figures out you are it or there is something else she wants and keeps looking. You are of an age where you have hopefully figured out what you want. This is the only thing I see as possibly making this not work. But age gap, no problem.

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28/f. I no longer wish to have a relationship with my mother. We have an extremely toxic relationship. Although I'm 28, she treats me as though I'm a 16 year old drug addict. She shows up at my house, unannounced. She inserts herself into my love life. It's gotten to a point where I haven't even introduced her to my significant other, despite us being serious. At this point, we're discussing marriage, children's names, and I've introduced him to the rest of my family. But, because of her behavior, I don't want her near him. Whenever I travel, she blows up my friend's phones. People are afraid of her. I use to feel like I had to look at my dad and my grandparents as "heroes" because they would be the ones to "save" me from her. There was a point where she got violent while I was still living with her and twice, she almost killed me in a fit of rage over a guy that she didn't want me to date (this was in my early 20's, btw). I've come to realize that even though I do love my dad and my grandparents, my grandparents, more specifically, are enablers. They've condoned this behavior from her. So, I don't trust them either. What can I do to protect myself from her at this point?

Due to IRS issues, the house I live in is under her name. She needed to invest money from another sale so that she wouldn't have to pay the IRS from the sale of the house. But, I do live here and have mail sent to this address. Is there a way that I can protect myself from her? I think that filing a restraining order is a bit extreme. I don't feel as vulnerable in the case of her violence because I feel like I have my boyfriend's protection. Before, I was depending on the protection of my grandparents, who did nothing but enable her. But, now, I have a support system consisting of friends and my boyfriend who are obviously going to take my side if I feel threatened. i lived in a one-sided house and now I feel less alone. But, there has to be something I can do.

Is there like a pre-step before restraining orders?

Thanks in advance!

These sound like questions for a lawyer since you live in a house she owns. If you lived anywhere else, you could change phone numbers, not give out new address, have your friends block her number and never have contact with her. Because she owns the house, she feels the right to come by whenever she wants. I will say that any landlord wanting to inspect a renters place must give them notice ahead, not drop by unannounced. There may be other things too but a lawyer would know. Trusting just because of a boyfriend may not be enough. If your Mom is bad enough off that she tried killing you in the past and never went to mental health counseling starting back then for that and her other issues, then she will be no different today or in the future. You obvious would never allow her to babysit any children you may have, all on her own, alone for fear of the childrens safety. If she got upset enough that she wasn't told you were dating let alone married him and wasn't invited to the wedding, or that she has grandchildren she is not allowed to see, then she could go wacko and who knows what she could do, especially if she plans an attack while your boyfriend/husband is away at work or somewhere shopping. Even if you don't fear being hurt or killed, you do not want the nuisance of having to deal with her. So I will suggest you ask your local police if there is such a thing in your area that is like a restraining order but slightly different. We found out when we called police becuase of a man who forced his 'friendshop ' on us. We gave him a chance only to find he is a liar , cheater, stealer and ex con to boot. We told him to stay away from us and it took calling the police who suggested we go to the courthouse and file a nuisance order against him. Works the same as the restraining order, The targeted person can
not be any closer to where you are than a certain amount of yards and can not contact you in any way, phone, text, email, etc. However if I am mistaken and you bought the house but she helped to pay for some of it by investing and she is not on the title as one of the owners, then it is your place and you have a right to keep her away from you, your boyfriend and any future children.
I don't think a nuisance restriction by law would work if you rent from her and she is the one who is paying solely for it and its just her name on the mortgage title. PLenty of poepple own homes that they rent out. A renter can't do something that prevents them as the landlord from checking on the property or coming by to do repairs. I don't know if there are exceptions to this. That is why in the long run, it is best to cut all ties, even any situations where you might see her if the house belongs to her but she lets you live there, whether free or renting and paying her rent. All of that is something a lawyer can tell you where you stand and what can be done. So checking by law where you stand would be the prestep depending on if you don't own but she does. Also, if both of you co-own, that is a bad situation and you are going to need a lawyers help to find your way out of that. If you own the home and she gave you money to help get into it, I don't know how you can be free and clear of her but a lawyer would. If it was a gift, you owe her nothing but since you said investment...well you need to speak to a person who knows this stuff and the laws. Personally, if the house were something I rented, I would walk away and find another place to rent. As long as you stay there, she will know where you live. Also if she able to look you up on social media, she can find out where you have moved. So create new accounts under a false name, like Butterfly lover, it doesnt have to be a name so if she searches for you by your actual first and last name, she can't find you. Hope this helps some dear.

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