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I'm scared? Or i just make a big deal out of it?
I just turn 30 yesterday, and in a relationship with a guy that is six years younger than me, that has up and downs like any other. We're daring for a year and a half now . I've been married once when i was 22 that lasted two years ,i'm an Artis and a fashion designer and need to be alone a lot but since my divorce it's like i've been use to take care of myself alone and use to live alone ,i like it ,it's like i'm recharging myself when i'm alone ,it's suits me best .
Now we began to talk about the future and it's scares the hell out of me just to think about living with someone else, it's like i'm being limited somehow and it's like i can't breath anymore, he suggested to move in together and it's like HELL, i should've been happy and excited but i'm not , I don't know if the reason is him or me...
If you ask that i love him? because i'm a moody person i would say times yes others no, he's a good guy , but i just don't know , we broke up twice for a week and got together again , it's the first serious relationship of his and he's really making a big effort to make it work . I made a mistake once i married even though i knew it wouldn't last long ,and now i'm having this thoughts again, scared or unstable you name it. I don't know what to do or think ,I can't make any decision . He's trying more than me , he's giving to relationship more than me ..What should i do?
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Okay, first I must say that a failed previous relationship can affect future ones. But they don't have to. The only thing really happening here that I can tell is not him doing bad things to you, how he treats you but its the bad thoughts and thus the emotions of worry that come along after thoughts. I do know that some people are like hermits and will never do well living with someone else. However that personality type is one of the smallest percent and thus, the likelihood of you being one like that is pretty slim as well. I may be wrong but I am not thinking its a matter of wanting to be a loner. There are couples where one or both prefer to spend time on themselves, following whatever it is that they want to learn and adapt into their life, always looking to improve and boost who they are as a person, not wanting a mate to make up for what they are lacking because then one leans too heavy on the other for everything and will not grow as a person. Some relationships are so good that both are so into each other they have no time for any of the rest of the world around them, maybe even not their own kids and that would be the other extreme. At 30, you are far from being s child and are at an age where you are defining who and what you are. I believe that can still be done if you are with the right partner. A guy who will respect who you are, who you want to become, and is willing to uphold and support you in all you do and want to do would be a good choice for you. There isn't enough info for me to know if this guy is such a man. Just because he is 6 years younger does not necessarily mean it can't work. He may be very mature for his age so as far as maturity, he is like a man in his thirties instead.
What I will say, is that I think it a good idea for you to go get some counseling, like a checkup, to see if there is anything going on with you mentally or not. When you said "If you ask that i love him? because i'm a moody person i would say times yes others no," that was like a warning sign to me. When you are truly in love, its not on again off again. I am not a mental health professional but There is enough of this in friends and extended family that I am to a point where I can see something isn't quite right, although it takes a professional to figure out exactly what as many symptoms overlap. Please do not think I am saying you are crazy or broken or a basket case. All I am saying is that most mental problems all stem from negative or distorted thinking and bellieve me, even the normal people engage in distorted thoughts often enough. What we do differently is we don't continue to dwell on those same thoughts and replace them with corrected, happy thoughts. So if you decide to see a psychologist, I do have one warning, if you really want the chance of being treated without the Dr. automatically wanting to fix things with medication, then you need to search for a Dr. who is trained in CBT which is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Using this method in helping patients has helped 90 % of people have a normal life and only about 10% actually need medications. If you are into working on yourself, just checking into this would be helpful. If you'd rather check this out by reading books instead, then I would recommend the writings of retired Psychologist David D Burns who has a web page : [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
In case I am totally off track by your written words, I still feel some counseling could help at far as processing the failed marriage and what was wrong with it, and knowing exactly what went wrong and knowing how to spot it in the future, and that can get rid of fears or indecision. I can relate to that because first husband was verbally abusive and yet I stayed due to the churches teachings that God does not condone divorce. It wasn't until almost thirty years later I was ready to hear from God who said he gave everyone a free will and the husband had plenty of time by now to decide to change and become a better man and husband and father. I was told that it was my decision to stay or go however if I stayed, the stress would kill me in 4 years or if I left, I would like to see my children married and be a grandmother. I am a social person and a private loner in equal amounts. My 2nd husband does not have the patience to deal with answering questions on an advice column but admires me for it and will tell people proudly that I do this and allows me to do this whenever I wish and supports it whole heartedly. When I starting dating after a divorce, of course I had the thoughts of what if I couldn't tell another guy was going to be as bad as my ex. But then I thought of all the warning signs I had learned from being married to the ex and I knew I could spot these things in other people too. See, I felt sure of my ablity to do so. I am thinking perhaps you may not feel so sure. I was tested with the first boyfriend who I rented with. He turned out to be a drinker and as bad as my ex. When I wouldn't do exactly as he wished, in a fit he left and never came back and left me in the lurch with an apartment I couldn't afford on my own. But I realized the good part was I noticed what he was doing and did not cave in to him and stood up for myself. I started internet dating and anyone who passed by being reasonable on line and seemed to meet my criteria, I met in person. Most were guys who were nice but there was no chemistry between us. However there were some asses, who lied to me from the beginning and one who explained away his lies by yelling a person has the chance to change their mind on something if they want to. It was nothing but BS to hopefully divert me from noticing or thinking he was bad. Lying is bad and even worse with a mate like that. I met a guy I liked for the first 3 dates. By then he felt he had caught me and nothing would make me leave now so instead of continueing to pretend to be the someone I was looking for, he turned back into his real self which was exactly like my ex. NO, his verbal abuse wasn't directed at me, not yet, but I had learned where you see one peek of a bad trait, there are more of the same that just haven't surfaced yet. I could share more details but none of those bad guys won my heart because they were not what I needed and what I wanted.
An example of a woman I knew, grew up with a mean alcoholic father who beat them all. She needed and married a man who never yelled, never drank, was even tempered and had no anger problems, was always gentle and patient when conversing with her, etc. If she had married a basically good guy but who had a bad habit of yelling or cussing at himself when something went wrong, it would have freaked her out because of her past. SHe picked well with him. Likewise, you need to know what you need in traits but you have to understand first what you don't want and that is through experiences we have, the negative experiences. If you want me to send you the full story explaining more in detail what you can do to feel very self assured when looking for Mr Right, just ask me for the Mr. Right document and I will post it for you. But you must write to my c olumn first and then post your question from there or I will not be able to answer you if you try to do it any other way. I wish you the best and know you can successfully move forward in life, no matter what exactly is holding you back.
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