"People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone." - Audrey Hepburn
I came to this site for advice about a man and love. That very question turned my entire world around and I have had my eyes opened to things I never noticed before.
I've stayed here so that I can share the knowledge I do have. I know I'm not changing the world but I do hope that I spark others to open their eyes.
"The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself." - Oscar Wilde
So, if you learn something from what I say then repeat it to someone else who can use it.
I hope that if you see an answer of mine that you enjoy it will inspire you to go out of your way to give good, solid information. Provide links for further information, detail your responses, encourage people to seek out professionals when it's needed, and stop sugar-coating responses and just say the truth.
I hope that even if you absolutely hate my answer that it'll kick start your brain. Hopefully you'll begin taking your time to respond instead of hurried answers that are useless to an already confused person.
"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." - Robert Frost
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Location: WV / KY / ND
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Age: 24
Member Since: October 12, 2007
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Last Update: August 15, 2011
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I am 17 year old boy. I have been through my naive days and honestly have a completely different, more real mind set. I actually believe I'm in love with this girl. I don't ever use that word either, 'love' that is. I never thought a person can have this sort of perplexing feeling. She's not the average/typical girl, if ya know what I mean. I won't bore you any further because I can go on and on. I don't know how she feels about me. I don't know how to confront her about it either. (link)
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The only way you'll know if the feeling is mutual is to ask her about how she feels about you too. If you're not dating her then it's time to ask for her phone number and if she'd like to see you this weekend at dinner or a movie in town.
"Hey, NAME, I was wondering if I could have your phone number so I could give you a call sometime, if that's alright with you..." Call that evening and ask her out for this coming weekend. Try to find a place where you guys can have a casual conversation (ie: not the movies right away; try a few nifty activities where you live like bowling, having dinner together, or just walking around a lakeside if she's into that sort of thing).
Note, if you're not dating her currently then don't jump the gun with "L" word. Try to play it off as you're simply interested in getting to know her better and building a relationship that may blossom into something greater.
If you are seeing her already then maybe it's time to have a nice, romantic date together and express your deepest feelings about your girl.
"I've been thinking about where we our in our relationship. I've never felt like this before about you. You are amazing and I think we really have such a great connection. This might come as a shock to you because I'm shocked myself that this is real...I am in love with you."
Either way, if you want this to develop into something beautiful then it's time to make your move! :)
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Ok I was boating not to long ago and I got Sun burned. My friends mom told me to put Vinegar on it because it would take the sting away but it gave me a bunch of sun blisters on my chest. And one day overnight the Blister went down and when I woke up it was barely there. And so I peeled it off, but it wasnt such a good idea. I started to get all red and veiny in that spot. But now Its starting to peel but its still red. And I dont really know what to about it. So if you know what to do Please reply. (link)
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I recently had sunblisters too! It's actually caused by sun poisoning and it should probably be checked out by a doctor to make sure you're healing up correctly. In some cases, you may need antibiotics when the blisters began to break open.
You need to be more careful in the sun, too. It is a sign that you may actually becoming allergic to strong amounts of sunlight so take it easy. Limit yourself in direct sunlight and start (especially if you're on medications or birth control pills) applying some creams to help cut that down anyway.
I am pretty surprised nobody had an answer for you at all.
Don't peel the skin, actually. Let it come off naturally. Peeling it can cause more damage. Let it come off as it wants. If you absolutely must (ie: it's way toooo uncomfortable) then do a light scrubbing in the shower.
This link: http://www.xomba.com/how_get_rid_sunburn_quickly
Has some good ideas on getting relief from sunburn and the peeling that happens afterward. It's important to keep your body hydrated right now so that it can heal fast. When I had the blistered I put the Noxzema on myself and it REALLY helped. I put it on thickly, let it dry, and then washed it off as normal. It helped cool the area, moisturize it, and soothe the itch.
See a doctor if things just don't seem right, ok? Seriously. It's better to be safe than sorry, for real.
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17, female.I wasnt sure what to put this under but I get these sharp pains that radiate from my ovaries all the way down to my vaginal area. It feels as if a razor blade is scraping me and i have to stop whatever i'm doing and curl up and wait for it to pass. It doesnt happend often but ive noticed that its more frequent. What could this be? (link)
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See a doctor immediately.
This is a serious sign of multiple possibilities, including cancer.
Call for a doctor's appointment right now and explain about the pains.
My mother experienced pains similar to this when she was a teen. She let it go so long that she had to be rushed to the emergency room when it got to be flat-out excruciating. She had cancer and since she had pretended the pains would go away it had become serious. They told she would never carry a baby to full term after the surgeries because they had to cut away some of the cancerous areas. She ended up miscarrying A LOT of babies after that when she did try to conceive, and she came very close to losing me when she was pregnant. Thank God her husband at the time had enough sense to take her to the hospital or she may have died from it spreading.
Waiting doesn't help and neither does pretending it will go away. This is serious. Your body is telling you something is NOT right. Listen to it now.
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whats the point of soap? its scrubbing hands together that is important, isnt it? (link)
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It helps to remove oils and stuck-on dirts that germs and bacteria can grow on.
Example:
Go in your kitchen and find the cooking oil or a stick of butter. Rub the oil (or melt the butter) all over your hands. Now go to the sink and try to rinse it off without using any soap. "Scrub" your hands together and see if it comes off. It isn't because there's a lot of oil. See? It won't get the oil off of your skin properly and there's A LOT of residue left. You want to rinse that down the drain.
It's the same as not using shampoo in the shower. If you just wet your hair you aren't washing it. The oils stay on the scalp and on the hair and so you get that greasy look even though you rinsed your head off. Your head can start to smell too because bacteria begin to grow on the excess oil that won't come off in plain water.
So soap is to help remove the dirt and oil to help it wash down the drain. Some oils cannot be simply rubbed off in water. Washing your hands too frequently or with too harsh of a soap can remove too much of your natural oils on your skin and cause dry skin.
Soap removes the oils, which can be breeding grounds for germs.
Now you know! :)
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first of all i am 15f and this may be long but it would be GREATLY appreciated if you would listen and respond! i neeed all the advice i can get :)
~so i have been best friends with this guy for a year. we talk EVERY DAY online and have been doing so for 6 months EVERY DAY. and he has asked me out 2 times and i have turned him down because i said i wanted our friendship to last and it was to valuable. well.... he has just recently said he has loved me, and would do anything, and always says i am beautiful, and cheers me up when i am down and he even brought me back a present from his trip to europe. well i reallllllllllly like him back but the problem is that i dont wanna tell him cause i have turned him down like 4 times and broken his heart he said but yet he still says all this stuff to me because he says i am to important. But the thing is this is online. in person we hang out and talk but not like we do online. and in person it is harder to basically do anything. he gets shy around me and barely talks in person now but online he is the SWEETEST guy their is! i have never met a nicer guy in my life! i want things to work out sooooo badly but in reality i dont think it will ever happen :( but we both want it to ..... so 1) how do i tell him i feel this way ..... 2) how can we make it work if he does wanna try? I AM LOSING MY HEAD OVER THIS PLEASE RESPOND AND GIVE YOUR THOUGHTS ON THE RELATIONSHIP .... cause right now we are like beyond best friends but not at the boyfriend and girlfriend stage.
thank you !!! :) (link)
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He's 15! Of course he's going to be a little shy about telling you how much he likes you face-to-face. Especially after you've turned him down more than once. He got enough guts to say it to you, faceless, over the internet and you crushed his idea of ever being with you. Of course he isn't going to be all romantic sweetie with you in public.
Get real and just talk to him. Call him on the phone or do it in person. He's young and maybe has never even had a girlfriend before. Give the guy a chance if that's what you want.
Out of what you've said, you have more problems than he does. Sure, he tells you all of these sweet things online but doesn't do it in public. You told him you wouldn't go out with him time and time again but sound like you're just as head over heels for him.
It's time to stop making him chase you and confront him. Not online. In person or one the phone to make it more personable. He needs you to stand up and take charge at this moment because he's just so confused. Wouldn't you be confused too? Yep.
"Hi. I know I said I didn't want to date you but we've been talking so much and I think something is really blooming between us online. I really am feeling a strong connection. Maybe we could take the online flirting offline...and be more together with it? I'd love to be your girlfriend. You are so sweet and every time we're together I just wish we could hug, kiss, and hold hands. I want the romance offline now. I think we're a good match after all."
You're doing the same thing he is doing. You're shying away from the reality of it. He desperately wants to be romantic with you in person--but how is he going to do that if he fails at doing it online even? If you push him away online...who the hell wants to be pushed away face-to-face? He's hiding because he doesn't want you to hurt his feelings. He doesn't want you to see him cry and break-down. It's a normal 15-year-old thing.
Step up and confront him about it.
Give him time to warm up to the new scene. Start hugging him in person. Sometimes YOU have to make the move so that he knows everything is OK and is working out right. He'll open up in time and before you know you won't even remember the difference between his online and offline personalities.
If you just can't bring yourself to doing this then you need to break off the online flirting with him. You need to stop the chats because something, even just a small glimmer, if giving him the impression that he MIGHT, SOMEHOW, SOMEDAY have a chance with you. If he doesn't then you need to break it off before it begins. If he does, then it's time to stop playing games and hoping he tries to jump your bones in public ;)
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Anyone who has been pregnant or just has the knowledge, I've read online about early pregnancy symptoms and was curious if implantation bleeding happens before other symptoms such as swollen/ sore breast? Or in other words does the egg have to implant for the other symptoms to start? (link)
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The bleeding, typically, happens around the same time your period is usually due. It can last up to 4 days. So, it would be happening, usually, around the same time you would be able to take an over the counter store brand pregnancy test to get a result or a little earlier. The pregnancy test would possible read false at this time though since the baby had not properly implanted yet.
The bleeding is, usually, nothing to worry about. It, typically, starts about 7 days after your sexual encounter (give or take, of course, as it depends on you own cycle).
Does the egg have to implant before other symptoms begin? That's hard to say.
Some women report somehow "knowing" they've become pregnant the night after having sex. I have read countless of stories of women having pregnancy dreams, fainting, waking up in the middle of the night, vomiting, etc so early into pregnancy (ie: just a day or two after sex) and knowing they are pregnant. Some women just have that instinct, I guess, and can tell their bodies have changed.
Do I think it's typical though? Nah.
Your body doesn't produce enough of the hCG pregnancy hormone before the egg attaches to the uterine wall. That's why pregnancy tests cannot tell for days after you get pregnant. There are changes that happen though so...it's possible, apparently.
Typically? No.
Sometimes? Yes.
Sorry there isn't really much more of a clear answer that I can give.
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I dont know why but when I wear my bathing suit a lot...like all weekend or something I get red bumps all over my bikini line...its almost like razor burn..how do i fix this? (link)
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It actually may be chafing resulting in a small rash from the bathing suit rubbing on your sensitive parts. Try adding some baby cream to the area. It is usually fairly water proof and can help reduce chafing if that is the issue.
Other than that, you may have too small of a swimsuit. I know you probably don't want to hear that but it's true. Many women experience rashes where their swimsuits are just too tight for them. The tight friction on the skin isn't good and by going in and out of the chlorine water so much you do risk infection on open wounds and damaged skin tissue.
If neither of those things do any help then see a doctor. It's possible that it's an infection under the skin at this point or that you're allergic to the chemicals in the pool (and they dry in those areas so cause you to break out more there) and will need to take some medication before swimming. There is also a very slight possibility that you had previously contracted herpes on that area and the friction causes an outbreak.
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So last night I smoked with my big brother for the first time. I started imagining the weirdest stuff. Like the stories he was telling me ... I can't remember if I was just making them sound super far fetched in my head, or if he was actually saying that stuff. Like ... he said my mom buys weed from him and stuff. I dunno.
Okay, and also... When I looked in a mirror I would laugh uncontrollably When the fan was on my whole body would feel like it was twitching when it really wasn't. Light made me feel like my voice was going in & out. Kind of like if I were to be talking into a fan.
Could weed do that to me? Cause I thought I was gonna have a heart attack last night. Haha.
Any ideas to what happened? & I woke up @ 8 this morning & was still high! I'm not high anymore though cause I went back to sleep. (link)
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It could have been laced with a chemical or another drug.
Be smart and be safe. If it didn't feel right then it probably wasn't OK to be consuming.
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Hello, I listen to the advice your advice regarding the distilled water/GSE solution. Today is my second day, and I had to increase 15 to 21 drops. Is it too soon to know if it is working? Will the BO smell begin to taper off?
Please advise.
thanks (link)
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Give it some time.
The GSE solution is to help kill and prevent the growth of the bacteria on your skin and in the pores. It can take days before enough have begin to stop multiplying and start dying off to notice a difference.
There may also be a problem with you internally that causes the odor. Many internal parasites, yeast overgrowth, and bacteria flourish inside of the body and spread scent outward. I have yet to do a yeast-cleanse so I cannot say exactly how to do it to cut down on that sort of growth. I have heard tale to follow the instructions on the back of the GSE bottle for a few days to help cut down on the yeast and bacteria. (If, for some reason, you purchased a brand with no instructions on the back of the bottle then let me know and I will relate what my bottle has to say word-for-word.) I also read that consuming raw garlic frequently for a few days can help kill internal parasites, especially if you cut down on your eating habits while doing so (or, as suggested by some, do a short fast). Lots of water and fresh, raw garlic.
Again, give it a little time before upping the numbers. Let you body have a chance to fight back against the bacteria with the GSE solution. What's another few days of experiencing body odor, right? And if the GSE simply doesn't work then it sounds like it's time for an internal cleanse of the body. A lot of toxins can also build up and cause odors--especially mercury. Take things slowly though. No need to rush.
Oh, and it might be helpful to reapply the solution throughout the day since you're just starting on it. Try purchasing a little travel size spray bottle from walmart and carry it in your purse, car, desk drawers, etc. to keep on hand.
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My family is ordering 25 baby chicks. :) so far I'm naming one Poachy and one Iwo, but I want more cute names. help? (link)
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Tweety
Pecky
Chirpette
Chiclet
Beaker
Nugget
Eggatha
Wing
Chickita
Count Cluckula / Count Chickula
Cluckers
Cluckette
Chicken Little
Henrietta
Cluxalot
Yolk / Yolkers / Yolkirena
Henny-Penny
Chicky-Chick
Cuckoo
Foghorn / Foghorn Leghorn
Miss Prissy
Cooper
Coops
Colonel Sanders
Eggbert
Eggo
Featherina
Hatchlina
Chirper / Chirpie
Cheeper
Chicker / Chickerina
Pollo ("chicken" in spanish: pronounced Po-Yo)
Fluff
Peeps ;)
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Okay so i dont really keep track on when i get my period, i usually know im getting my period when my hair starts to grow on my genitals, because everytime i finsih my period i shave so yeah when the hair comes back i know my period comes and it does, but my family is all like "you just got your period, what the hell something is wrong with you"
and im just concerned, even if I DID get 2wice a month is that a bad thing? im not OVER or UNDER weight, im normal. and im 15. so im just wondering whats normal and whats not. thank you. (: (link)
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Yes, it can be very harmful to your health, actually.
Your body bleeds quite a bit of blood and uterine lining out during your period. Because of this it will take a good week and 1/2 or more for your body to get back up to "normal" if it was "normal" to begin with. Sometimes we weren't "normal" when we started our period so it will take even longer for our bodies to health back up to normal health. You may FEEL better, but remember that the uterine lining must repair itself in between cycles.
Stress can cause your period to come early or late, but it usually only does that by a few days. Sex can also do this to a period, but it's really the stress of possible pregnancy that causes it to be delayed or to come early.
You should be having your period once every 21 to 32 days to be healthy. Any sooner or later than those numbers could mean you have reproductive problems and you should see a doctor so that the problems do not escalate. Many female reproductive problems can go unnoticed for quite some time and will result in complete infertility or serious illnesses like Pelvic Inflammatory Disease.
Getting your periods too frequently can actually build up serious amounts of scar tissue within your uterus.
There are free tools online to help you track you cycles like MyMonthlyCycles:
http://www.mymonthlycycles.com/
That way you know if you are definitely getting your periods too soon for your own health.
See a doctor, seriously, if you're getting you periods too frequently or too soon in the month. I experienced this myself and you really, really don't want to go down that road. It's very unpleasant and can screw up your future plans of having a family and stuff.
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Ok im 18/female. I've been eating alot. I didnt use to eat that much in the begining of the year, now when I eat I have to eat at leace 3 plates to get full. I know for sure that I'm not pragnet, but people are starting to relize how much I'm eating & it's embarassing. I use to be the one that always finishs first, now I'm always last. What do you think is wrong with me. Thank you =) (link)
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Possible vitamin deficiency.
Look into getting a good multivitamin supplement to use each day and see your doctor to have some bloodwork drawn up to make sure you aren't suffering from an illness, especially if you aren't gaining insane amounts of weight with such increased eating. If you are low on some vital nutrients, minerals, or vitamins it could be from previously dieting or simply exercising way too much for your own health.
Try drinking more water in between your meals. Sometimes you can feel hungry when your body is really just very thirsty. Drink pure, clean water--no added sugars or flavors--to help your body hydrate properly and break down the food you are consuming.
Speak with your doctor to make sure there isn't any underlying health condition. Many diseases and parasites can cause you to eat a lot. It's better to be safe than sorry.
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Is it absolutely (scientifically?) important to take it at around the same time every day? Or is that just what they tell you so it's easier for you to remember to take the pill? (link)
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Yes.
Waiting later can actually decrease it's effectiveness.
It also does help you to remember to take the pill every day though so it's extra-important because of that.
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ok..... welll i read your column of how to tell my mom i had my period but the problem is that she overreacts
once i waited only 2 days to tell my mom i needed a bra and she flipped out its been about six months now from my first period and i have no clue how to tell her with out being grounded or killed or kicked out she over reachs to everything
-anonomous (link)
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It's possible that she gets angry because you don't tell her these things right away.
They are very important things. I would be upset and disappointed if I had a daughter and she was too afraid to tell me basic woman things like this.
Open up and just tell your mother. It might be surprising to hear that her daughter had grown into a young woman but you need to tell her. It's doubtful she is going to kill you or kick you out for having your period. You cannot control your periods or when you hit puberty.
Just tell her and overreacting too. It will help to just relax and talk to her face-to-face about this problem so she can help you handle it.
If she kicks you out, threatens you, or does something bad then it can always be fixed. There are people out there that would help you get through it. It's doubtful she'll react so negatively though. She was probably just upset before since you didn't come to her with the important information right away. Maybe it made her feel like a bad mother? Who knows.
Just let her know.
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i've always been really wet but lately im the exact opposite... it hurts whenever me and my dude do stuff. what could be causing this? how can i fix this without lube? (link)
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Lots of things can cause vaginal dryness.
Lack of hydration. Drink more pure, clean water. For real. It might just be that you're a little dehydrated.
Lack of proper foreplay. Women need to get actually get into the mood well before having sex. Try making out more before sex or doing something that feels good before letting your man enter you.
Birth control pills. Anything that messes with your hormones can mess with the vaginal secretion production. If you're starting a new birth control, have been on antibiotics, or have been taking supplements for fertility then you may need to just discontinue and let them wear out of your system. (If you've taken Plan B this counts. If you've been recently pregnant then you'll have to just let you body normalize back out, too.)
Too much cleansing. Sometimes you can actually clean your vagina too much or too frequently. Douching is especially a problem when it comes to vaginal dryness. Just clean your vagina like any other part of your body. Don't shove things up there that don't need to be there in the first place. Use soap (drying) sparingly down there. A healthy vagina isn't going to smell rancid or horrible if you clean it properly in the first place.
Infection. Some bacterial infections or yeast infections can cause vaginal dryness. Get checked out by a doctor to make sure this is not the case. Sure, a yeast infection isn't going to do much harm--but a bacterial infection can lead to something call Pelvic Inflammatory Diesease (PIV) or even make you completely infertile.
Vitamins. Sometimes you can be lacking something vital that your body stops producing the right amount of vaginal fluids to make up for. Start taking a good daily multivitamin and see if things improve. It could be that your body just lacks something you aren't getting in your normal diet now. (Try to eat better, too.)
Tampon usage. Seriously, tampons are evil. They hurt the inside of your vagina by removing healthy cells and natural moisture. Here:
http://www.xomba.com/are_tampons_supposed_hurt
Stay away from sex until this problem is solved. A dry vagina can actually lead to thinning of the vaginal walls and create tearing, scar tissue, and more infections. See a doctor first of all to see if anything has changed down there like abnormal cells.
Depression and negative feelings could also be a factor but it's rare and you would probably be able to relate the problem to that almost immediately. It has to do with the inability to actually get "into the mood" or, well, horny. There are serious medical conditions that are associated with vaginal dryness but you would have to get your doctor to check you for those, too, because you can't tell without tests.
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The skin near the tear duct or corner closest to my nose is discolored. It's a bit greenish. Is this something I should be worried about?
I'm not sure if it'll show up, but I'll try to put a picture of my eye up.
http://tinypic.com/r/15zjpu1/6
Even if the picture does come up, I'm not sure if the greenish color is going to show. (link)
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Well, there are many things this could be.
An allergic reaction to make-up. If you wear a lot of make-up around your eyes then it might be time to make a change to a better quality brand. Allergic reactions can be almost anything so this could very-well be your body screaming for a change. You should also be changing all of your make-out for fresh packages once every month to help reduce bacteria growth.
Stained from make-up. A lot cheap make-up can stain your eyes, epecially the colors black, blue, and green. All of those colors can leave behind green residue that can take weeks to wear off properly.
Skin infection. I went to school with a guy who had an infection underneathe the skin of his neck that colored it green just like your eyes. It's really ugly. His has progressed so much that it looked like his skin was molding. It's really not pleasant if left untreated, apparently. A doctor is required for this sort of thing, especially since it's so close to the eye. For all I know, it could spread into the eye itself and harm you vision long-term.
Steps?
Change make-up brands. Remember to refresh packages every month to cut down on bacteria growth that isn't visible to the naked eye.
See a doctor about it. Even if it's nothing but staining from mascara or other eye make-up it looks likes it's time for a check-up. It could be nothing. It could be something. If it is something then it is safer to get it treated immediately with professional care than to let it wait and...grow. That area of your eye is often moist so bacteria can easily grow on it, especially if you haven't been taking care of your make-up properly or washing your face enough, y'know?
If all it turns out to be is staining then definitely find a better quality make-up brand. Nobody wants to have zombie eyes after having a nice out with friends.
Oh, and, as a side note, take a multivitamin every day just in case it is in relation to lack of some nutrient you're not getting in your diet. It might help if your doctor says it doesn't look like it's anything serious anyway.
By the way, beautiful eye color.
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Are tampons supposed to hurt? because i hate wearing pads, but tampons hurt sooo bad that i cant even walk some of the time and im a very heavy bleeder so i can wear the small tampons. also does your eating habits have to do with how heavy you bleed? like if i eat healthy food and fruit and stuff will it make me bleed lighter? (link)
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Tampons are never suppose to hurt, actually. The reason it hurts may be because it's unhealthy for your body.
When people say it might be because you have too large of a tampon it isn't the size that is actually the problem. It's the absorbency. The larger ones suck up more moisture in your vagina. Sounds good for when you're on your period though, right? No. It actually takes the natural moisture away from your vaginal walls.
That might not sound too bad at first but when it does this it has a drying affect, too. The drying will cause some of your vaginal cells to stick to the tampon. Ouch. Sure, after awhile you'll stop feeling those cells stick or be removed when the tampon moves from inside you or you actually remove it when it's time. Why do you stop feeling it though? Your vagina becomes desensitized.
Losing sensation in the vagina? WHO WANTS THAT?!
Seriously.
Switching to pads will do your body a load of good. If you switch to a brand like Seventh Generation then they're made without chlorine bleach. Who wants bleach sitting on such a sensitive area anyway? Nobody.
The chlorine can actually make you bleed more because it's toxic. That being said, you best bet is to stop shoving drying, bleached things up your vagina and start wearing clean, chlorine-free pads.
Here is some more information on why tampons are bad and why you should hate tampons:
http://www.xomba.com/are_tampons_supposed_hurt
And you can find Seventh Generation pads from their official website or on sites like VitaCost. On VitaCost the pads cost about the same as the Always brand, which isn't a bad deal, actually.
Oh, and if you just don't want to do pads or go swimming often then read about menstrual cups. Some are reusuable after being cleaned properly and can last years. They won't hurt to put them in or pull them out because they don't hurt your inside of the vagina. They're safe, affordable, and healthy. There are lots of different brands so just Google reusable menstrual cups and you'll find them.
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My wife of 24 years has just left me and moved back to her parents citing my unreasonable behaviour but I am suffering depression and on medication ,I have changed the way I react to people and sent all my phone contacts a text stating I was going to become a changed person ,given up smoking ,been going to a counsellor with my wife and now she says that she has not loved me for a couple of years.I have 2 boys 1 is 21 and in the army the other is 15 and she has left him here with me.she wants her freedom not a mothers commitment but I have no choice in the matter and i am left to pick up the shattered remains of our lives while she goes out all the time now with friends.should I give up on her and walk away or still try to save our marriage ,my boys want me to try and save the marriage and thats what I want to do but how long is trying to save a reasonable length of time.I am 56 and my wife is 44. (link)
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My mother did this to my father about the same time. She was mid-forties and my dad was mid-fifties. I was fresh out of high school and have 3 younger siblings. She, too, wanted her freedom and left all of the kids with my dad to raise on his own.
She said hadn't loved him for a few years, too. They were married for nearly 20 years and she suddenly decides one morning she wants divorce? Yeah.
So, what happened?
My mom was going through menopause, actually. Her periods started to get really screwy and she confided in me one day about it. I had to push and push and push to get her to go to the doctor to see if everything was OK with her. The doctor ran some tests and told her that she had the onset of menopause. He prescribed some helpful medication for her but she only took it for a day or two, claiming it didn't help.
It came out that she had been seeing a younger man. She had emotionally moved on from my father well before letting him know.
She lost it right in front of our eyes. She made my dad tell us each that he was going to divorce her (it wasn't his idea though--he didn't want divorce) until we each began to cry and then she was satisfied. She made him sleep on the couch away from her. She began to take calls from the other man right in front of my dad but when he got a call from a woman (it was friendly--not a romantic involvement) she flipped and got angry and possessive of him.
My dad hung in there through a heartattack from the stress of it. My mother called him liar and said he faked the heartattack to get attention from her. Funny that the doctor's didn't say that and wouldn't let him leave the hospital for days while they ran more tests--oh, and installed a pacemaker and defibrillator.
She suddenly left one day. Moved a few states away overnight. She had actually called my dad and said she would bring him down some lunch (he was at work) in a few minutes. She never showed up. She wasn't making lunch. She was packing her bags.
Now, I don't believe in divorce, but I watched my entire family fall apart. I was an emotional wreck. My dad was lost and confused. My siblings were scared. We didn't know how to function. My dad has still not recovered and it has been years. My oldest brother refused to ever speak to my mother again.
But my mother is still just as crazy. It never went away. Sometimes she'll cry on the phone and say she's sorry for how things happened. She can't even remember how old I am though. Imagine that. Spending more than 18 years with someone you gave birth to and not being able to figure out how old they are now.
My mother wanted to relive her younger days though. She began drinking and "partying" after she moved. It was like she was a teen again.
Your wife seems unwilling to work this out, much like my mother. She may have already moved on. She may be wanting to relive her youth too. She may be toying with you for awhile (like my mother did with my father).
If the marriage can be fixed then there has to be open communication. That's what counsellors get you to do--communicate with each other. If she is not willing to be open and honest with you then there may not be much hope to resolve this.
It's up to you if you want to continue to fix this or not. Reasonable length is problematic to say, really. How serious do you think she is on moving on for good? Can you really forgive and forget all of this anyway? Would she really improve and make the proper changes to not follow this same course again in the future?
My father hasn't remarried but mid-fifties isn't too late to start over. Sure, my dad dated around for a little while but came to the conclusion taht he just needed to be a dad and not to worry about women. He's been content as a single father for a few years now. I don't think he will ever be completely "over" my mother but I'm not sure that is even possible after spending so much time with a person who gave birth to your children, right?
You have to make these decisions though. At some point you will have to make the decision to stop and move on with raising your boy or to hang on forever for her. That point might come tomorrow, next week, two months from now, or years down the road. We can't say because we're not physically in that situation. We don't know everything that has been said. We don't know if she may have moved on. We don't know her personally, you know?
Sometimes you just have to make a decision even if you don't like it. Evaluate the situation. Write things down to get them on paper, in front of you, and out of your head. See a therapist for your own benefit so that you can make it through this in one piece.
I wish you well.
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13/f
and i like a
13/m
BEWARE: this might be long.
OK. So i have posted so many questions on the same topic. But i haven't gotten any real good advice. All of my answers usually say "just go with what you think is right" or "its better to do it and say you did the to not and regret it later." so i hope you can give me better advice. like what i should specifically do.
So i have like this guy for a long time. Ive known him since elementary school and he lives two houses away from me. I think I'm IN LOVE with him. now don't say "i think your too young to be IN LOVE" or "you need to wait and see if these feelings leave. if they don't then....." because I've heard it all before. I know for a fact that I'm IN LOVE with him. so i know that he likes me because he asked me out at the beginning of 7th grade. I said no because my mom doesn't approve of neighbors dating. because if we ever break up then it'll be awkward because i see him all over the place. but i like him so much that i am willing to hide it from my mom. But another reason why i know that he likes me is because, not too long ago, we were walking home together and he touched my ass. on purpose. so if that's not flirting than i don't know what flirting is. lol. so i have no idea what to do. do i ask him out myself or just wait for him to ask me out? please help me. and im sorry that this was so long. thank you in advance. (link)
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You may absolutely hate my advice but it's as honest as I can be about this.
You don't need to hide something like this from your mother. I know it sounds a little silly since she already said no about it but you should be mature and discuss this with her before making any steps towards dating this boy. Explain to your mother that you were even considering doing this behind her back. Yeah, that might be a shock to her but remind her by saying, "But then I just knew I had to really talk to you about this because I feel so strongly towards seeing this boy on more than a friendship level. I need your support, advice, and guidance when it comes to dating and if I see him then I will need you to help me get through all of the ups and downs of normal, healthy relationships..."
That's about as mature and grown-up as you can be about this situation to your mother. Chances are she might be upset at first but will calm down and act rationally. You're coming to her because you don't want to betray her but want to follow your heart. She will listen, at least, and if you are seriously mature enough to handle a real relationship then she will be able to see that and might even help you plan you first date out. Give her some credit. She just doesn't want to see you hurt--but she's right, in a way. Chances are you will go through heartache and breakups and will need her help to get through them. Let your mom know.
Next...
Do you really want a guy to be touching on you without your say-so? Really. How unclassy is that? To me, that screams no respect. Sure, maybe the first idea is, "Oh, wow...he touched my butt! YEAH! HE LIKES IT!" but then it's...uh...hello! You two weren't being all flirty-flirty and he thought you were easy enough that you'd let him get a good feel-up on you without your permission?
Now, I'm not saying that this guy is a loser. I'm saying you need to really discuss this issue before going any further with him. Chances are he doesn't really know how to flirt with a girl properly without looking like a total jerk or sleezebag. You're not a slut. He can't just feel you up whenever he's in the mood. Not good flirting technique. You should confront him about this in a non-aggressive way though.
"NAME, the other day I noticed you grabbed my ass when we were walking home. I really do like you. I do. I have strong feelings for you. That wasn't appropriate though. I know you asked me out before but it isn't right to just touch me like that when you feel like it. We're 13."
Yeah, because you are 13. You don't want to give him the wrong impression even if you are madly in love with him. Make him have some respect for you as a person. It would have been different if he was verbally flirting with you and felt you were really "into" the conversation enough to physically flirt with you too...but that isn't the reality of it. Verbal flirting comes before physical flirting unless you're selling yourself, pretty much.
Steps:
Talk to your mom.
Talk to the boy.
Ask out the boy for planned date.
Begin mature, healthy relationship.
You can be in love at 13 so don't let that idea keep you down. You just need to be mature enough to handle love and relationships at 13. A lot of 13 year old girls don't know what it even means to be respected or cared about by another person, let alone a 13 year old boy. I was 13 once so I know what I'm saying...and at 13 I wouldn't have wanted to hear this either (but it's so true).
It wasn't a long question, by the way ;) no need to apologize. I'm a long-winded person (obviously) so it seemed pretty short to me.
I hope everything turns out to be OK. Remember to take little steps in the relationship. Start with exchanging phone numbers and calling each other every few days. Go out to the movies, dinner, or minigolf (something fun) once a week or once every two weeks while you get to know each other on a more intimate level (not intimate as in sex but intimate as in relationship bond between boyfriend/girlfriend). There's no need to rush passed kissing to groping, feeling-up, oral sex, or anything else for a while because you are a growing woman still and you don't need the emotional baggage that stuff can create.
I wish you well and hope everything goes perfectly.
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I recently found out that my wife has "fallen in love" with a friend from childhood whom she reconnected with on facebook. It blew up when he was in town for a reunion and she invited him over for dinner and I watched my wife flirt with him most of the night.
Now we have been trying to work through this and I realize that I played a part in her searching for things that were lacking in our marriage elsewhere. I was being consumed by our financial situation and was completely unavailable emotionally, but I thought is was just a phase that we would get through.
We own a business together and have three children and just celebrated our 12 anniversary. We are working through things. Trying to get back on track.
But there are some things that I am struggling with. The trust has been broken and over the last month she has continues to lie to me about certain things, which I think she doing to protect me. She has expressed that she thinks about being with him, but she is committed to our marriage. And recently has told me that divorce is not an option, which I think is good news. I want to stay married. I want to heal this, but I am really struggling.
I see her hurting for him and it drives me insane. He is separated from his wife, who he has describe to my wife as crazy. He claims to be a Christian man, but I can't help but think that he has played my wife, but that is another issue.
The thing I am having the most trouble with is dealing with the pain of knowing that she hurting for the loss of someone else. Seeing her hurt for him; I can sense it when she is thinking about him. And I am angry that she took the steps to get here, but my anger was one of the things that drove him to him. She has told me that she knows what she did was wrong, but when I am feeling hurt she doesn't want to talk about it. She thinks that I am making it into something bigger than it is. And I do not know what to do. I fear that she is staying with me for the kids, for our business, because a divorce would be messy. It would be humiliating for her. She has only told 3 girlfriends about it, and the fact that she is hiding it makes me believe that she is keeping this secret fantasy alive in her head.
We have talked about counseling and although she did not want to go at first, she has agreed. Do I need to swallow my hurt and give her time to get over him? What do i do when I see her hurting? How do I deal with my hurt?
What can I do to deal with this pain? (link)
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I really have a lot to say about this. I was a child of this sort of "marriage" until it finally ended in a very messy, hurtful divorce after dragging each other through the dirty mud.
Your wife needs to grow up. Seriously.
You have every right to be hurt, confused, sad, and angry.
The only thing that will fix this is communication. That's what counselling is for in the first place. If she isn't willing to rationally listen to you, understand your pain, and move forward as an adult then there is no reason to maintain what is turning into a circus.
Telling not one, not two, but THREE of your closest friends about your emotional affair is horrorific. My mother did this. The women she told? Supported her newfound "happiness" with pursuing another man. They were encouraging my mother to follow after another man, even after things had been "resolved" between her and my father.
For years my mother would say things like when I would turn 18 things would change for the entire family. She meant she had planned to leave my father for years though. Time and time again she would emotionally cheat on my father and he would forgive and forget. She learned to use him. She learned to abuse him.
She can say she knows what she has done is wrong but if she can't be mature and SHOW her apologetic ways then has she really learned something? It really sounds like she isn't going to discontinue this activity. She won't stop thinking of this man--how great can he actually be, right? She's living in a fantasy world.
Swallow your hurt? Hell no.
She isn't proving that she has emotionally or mentally moved passed another man. She hasn't shown enough respect for you afterward since she can't even let this go. She is telling her friends about it. If she was oh-so humiliated why would she tell three different people anyway?
My dad thought the man at the grocery store where my mother worked (the first man she cheated with) was playing my mother into a trap. It took him nearly 20 years to realize that she wanted to test the waters. He didn't fool her into anything. She wanted it. She told my father it was because he worked too much. She told him that it was because SHE worked too much. She told him it was because she missed her youth. She told him it was because he had been emotionally unavailable. She told him it was because she was stressed. She told him it was because they didn't have much money. She told him it was because she had a family like never before and it was scary.
Truth? She just wanted to do it.
You wife isn't a child. She isn't a 5 year old who got caught kissing the neighbor boy after he pressured her into doing it. She's a grown woman. She knew what she was getting into before her emotions began to blossom.
Open you mouth and tell her about all of this. Tell her about how the only way to solve this is through completely honest and open communication. She needs to tell you her thoughts all of the time and you need to tell her yours. If you're pissed off then tell her and explain why in a rational way. If you're not heard then how can it be resolved? If she can't be honest about STILL being stuck on this guy for X Y and Z reasons then how do you know what to change and what to fix?
When you see her hurting? Talk to her. Don't comfort her loss of another man but ask her questions about it. Get her to open up about her specific thoughts. Why does she miss him? What does she like about him? What is different between him and you?
And discuss it like mature grown ups. Make those changes.
She like that he's Christian? If you believe in God then point that out. You may also be a kind, loving Christian man but she isn't seeing that because you haven't "built yourself up" to it. You don't discuss it, maybe. So open your mouth and talk.
If you both want to get passed this then she needs to talk about it and so do you. Your questions NEED to be answered. If she doesn't want to talk about it? Watch your marriage fall apart. Talking is what marriage counselors get you to do. If you can't do it on your own then you're going to have one expensive marriage for the foreseeable future.
Keep a tablet of paper with you during the day. Write down your thoughts. If you're in a particular loving mood then write it down and read it to your wife later. If you wake up really miserable then let her know. If what she says is hurtful then tell her. Have her do the same thing. Keep your thoughts at hand to share with each other.
And fight if you need to...just make sure to work it out, too. A fight can erupt from anything but as long as you stay together and talk through it immediately it can be resolved. Open, honest communication is what adults do.
She's hiding something from you or she would be able to talk about it. She's afraid of you knowing something. It might be something as silly as liking the man because he has blonde hair but you have brown hair. It might be something more in-depth that can absolutely demolish your relationship if it's not handled soon.
Talk.
Show this to her if you have to get her more involved with working this out.
If she isn't willing to work it out by communicating then I don't know why you two are hanging on. It just cannot be fixed if the problem isn't out in the open.
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