(Ask A Question.) (Feedback.) (Discussion Board.) (Make Razhie A Favourite.) (Advicenators.)
Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
Favourite Collumnists.
(WittyUsernameHere.) (karenR.) (NinjaNeer.) (rainbowcherrie.) (DangerNerd.)
The Question
when answering a question why does age play such a big factor. like for instance that 16/f that wanted a baby. i saw that everyone was like your too young,but who says that she wont make a great mother. and know one knows her living situation or money or anything.. it really doesnt say people just assume they know. it tells her to wait till shes 18. i bet there are 18 year olds out there that are much worse off than she is or wont be as good as of mother as she is. so maybe she is 16.. do you think we should just make assumptions about people like that? or would it better to know more about the person before answering?
The Answer
There is no way anyone here will ever know all the facts. I've given some advice that, after receiving more information from the person I realized wasn't correct. It's just the way life is. We do are best, we aren't physic.
However, generalizations are not bad things! They are the way the human mind works for good reason. We organize our thoughts and experiences into categories, we recognize trends.
If you really want an intelligent discussion about the unfairness of generalizations, I'm sure you could come up with a better example. But, to use yours: I have recognized the trend that six-teen year olds don't generally have babies. I have also never, in my experience, heard or seen a sixteen year old having a baby and it been a good thing for anyone involved. So I cannot believe that this one sixteen year old is going to be the exception to that. Done.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Ok guys, Im somewhat at a loss. Most questions on this website tend to be at least somewhat mundane. Stuff that, while it could be very important to the poster, isnt life threatening or seriously life altering.
However, every once in a while, we come to the ones that ask a question about something where they stand to screw either their own, someone elses, or both lives.
Case in point, Ive just answered the second question from a girl who is 16 and wants to get pregnant when shes single, living at home, and basically incapable of supporting herself, much less a baby.
Now, this is not the only example, just a very recent one. Worst of all, many of the questioners in these cases are completely opposed to opposing points of view. They are determined that theirs is the right course of action, and are determined to screw themselves and others in the process.
So, my question to the masses, is does anyone know how to get through to idiots like this? Does anyone even think its possible? Im asking mostly those 18 and up, anyone can respond but Im looking for viewpoints from people who are at least looking back at the high school perspective, not in the throes of it.
Thanks, and sorry for length.
-The Spirit Fox
The Answer
I do think it is possible to talk such people down for their own great self-destruction. I don't think it's easy and I never expect to achieve it single-handedly through my advice.
However, my approach to such extreme cases is normally in the vein of tough love. If someone is truly stubborn and hell bent on hurting themselves or others, there ought to be consequences for attempting to practice that behavior even in small ways like asking for advice here. I can't punish them, but I certainly don't need to be nice. I can be blunt and in extreme cases downright mean. To get someone like that's attention I try to be clear and catastrophic.
Someone who has already displayed a desire to do something vicious or selfish is probably of the mode of thinking that "I'm not going to listen unless it affects me." So make it affect them. I suppose I believe that if the advice to these people doesn't 'hurt' in some way, then it won't work.
But you don't need to insult a person, just get creative. Too keep up with your example, don't talk about how much the child or her parents or her boyfriend would suffer. Tell her that having a baby wont just take up all her time, it will destroy her nice young body, make her basically uninteresting to all her young friends who quite rightly have better things to do with their time resulting in her only company being someone whos communication style includes vomiting on her, and the vast majority of her family will resent her for years to come. She likes to dance? Well she wont have the energy to do that in her own living room for six months, oh that's if her 'rents don't kick her out. If they do she wont be able to afford a home with a living room for 5 years, minimum, and that's with a partners help.
We do the best we can for people by being straightforward, honest AND forceful. Then all we can do it hope that their lives are full of people who love them and will repeat messages like ours over and over again, until they get a clue.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
i know people are prob getting sick of these kinda questions but w/e
how would you react/do if you found out that your 16 year old daughter that you had alot of trust with told you she was pregnant.you guys were not really that close but didnt really fight or anything. (please be realistic!)
** only answers this if you are acually old enough to have a child aka like 25 or older (it can be a guy or girl)
The Answer
I would be angry, disappointed and hurt.
I would feel like a failure as a parent, as I wasn't able to protect my child from a bad situation and stupid decision. And I would be furious; because I would be sure I've taught her better then to take dumb risks with her body and life.
Unless I could truly believe that my daughter had taken all the steps to protect herself possible, seeing a doctor, using protection and talking with me about her choices, I would be heartbroken. After a little while I would calm down and we could begin to make realistic plans for her future, but at first I would probably yell and scream and cry.
I would be hugely disappointed in my daughter and in myself.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
If some guy says you're both dating, but not officially going out [boyfriend/girlfriend], then does that mean you're single or taken?
The Answer
I would personally say as long as you are still allowed to see other people you are single, if you are dating exclusively each other, then you are taken. But this really is something you should ask the guy.
Rarely do the big words, girlfriend, boyfriend, love, single, together ect... mean the exact same things to different people. Ask him what he thinks those words mean.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Hello all, first time advice-seeker here. I stumbled upon this site by accident but i'm glad i did. My problem is thus: I cannot seem to get my law professor out of my head. He is a regular, unmarried 36yr old, who is popular with students for his quirky humour. I have gone to see him on one occasion to do with his postgrad course, in which i am genuinely interested. I felt a slight tension between us. I find him unconventionally attractive. I have heard rumours that he has had an affair with a student in the past, which, perhaps wrongly, gives me hope.I am a 19yr old female who guards her feelings carefully, yet i have never really felt so strongly about someone before. I want this mental distraction to either go away (though i fear that will not be any time soon) or flourish into something real. I need some advice!
R.T, London,
The Answer
Complete the class before you try and pursue this and know that by pursuing something 'real' with this man, you might close the door to his postgraduate program. It comes down to academic honesty and responsibilities; you don't want to put either of you in a position that could cause the university to get involved.
Most universities have policies for their staff regarding this sort of thing. It might not hurt to look into them.
If you really want to mental distraction to go away then simply reduce your exposure to him. Don't speak to him if you don't need to, and don't be overly friendly. I'm assuming his class isn't going to last forever. I think you'd find once you aren't seeing him on a regular basis you'll begin to forget about this crush.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Okay, I'm moving to Maryland, and I've recently become obsessed with this guy I'm gonna meet there. I know I'm going to fall in love with him, and I half have already. I don't know who he is, what he looks like, or anything. I just know he's there.
Am I insane? Ridiculously desperate for companionship? (I'm really not.) Or can there be truth to the words "I loved you before I ever met you."?
The Answer
Honey, you are scaring me.
Not your question, I can see how the statement "I loved you before I ever met you." could be true in some sense. We all have the idea or the feeling we are hoping to achieve in a relationship long before we ever find it.
What worries me is it sounds like you are putting all your hopes in dreams on one person, one person who you've never met. It might pan out beautifully for you in the end, or you might end up completely disillusioned in less than 10 minutes.
Either way, don't pin all your dreams on to some phatom guy who might just melt away. Watch out for yourself.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
I was shopping yesterday and I bought a shirt and my total was 17 dollars and something cents. Well I grabbed into my wallet and thought I pulled out a 20 and gave it to the casher.
I don't know if she wasn't paying attention or what but after she put the bill into the register, she asked me what I gave her. I said it was a 20 because I thought it was.
When I was at home I was looking through my wallet and I REALIZED THAT I GAVE HER A 100 DOLLAR BILL!
Now I don't know if it's too late to go back tomorrow and see if I can get my money back. Would they give it to me??
The Answer
It is worth going back to the store and checking with them. Most retail stores balance their registers at the end of the night and they would definitely notice an extra $80 dollars in their till.
Bring back your receipt, with an explanation and a friendly smile. It's your mistake as well as the cashiers, and the nicer you are about it, the more likely they'll be able to help you.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
For school, we had to read the book "To Kill a Mockingbird" by Harper Lee and I really didn't like it. Not to sound shallow or immature or anything, but the whole racism theme was rather dull (not saying that racism is dull, but I mean that it's dull to read about when you could be reading other things. If you want to read about racism, go take a History class and learn about it from a text book), and the background setting of a dusty little town in Alabama and the boring, nosy, gossipy people without lives was not appealing. It's not exciting to read about. And Scout wasn't a realistic person. I mean, what 7-year-old uses words like "morphodite"? Take Les Miserables, it's about redemption and is very dramatic and exciting---a renounced thief on the run.I am the only person in the whole grade who didn't like TKAM. Whenever I talk to anyone about it they always go "OMFG I LOVED IT HOW CAN YOU NOT LIKE TKAM?!" Now, we have to write an essay about whether we liked it, and saying that it was not appealing and Scout is not realistic is not tangeable. She'll say it's off-topic and has nothing to do with the meaning of the book. I understand the meaning of the book, but I still don't like it. I talked to my dad and he just said that I'm not mature enough for such advanced literature, which is not true. What am I supposed to do?!
The Answer
I think your first step is clarifying the essay with your teacher. It is perfectly possible to write a good essay about a book's meanings and themes without actually liking the book. It's also perfectly possible to defend a view of not liking the book, and get graded on how well you defend that view.
There is nothing wrong with not liking something. Your tastes are your tastes. Although, like most people here, I think you are selling To Kill a Mocking Bird a little short. It is a classic for a reason and definitely has some redeeming qualities you could write about in a positive light.
But hell, welcome to the world, where sometimes you will suffer for simply having differing opinions for the majority. If you teacher is tough enough on you, the simplest thing might be using this assignment as a chance to develop your ability to write bullshit. It can be a valuable skill in school.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
I'm 16f, he's 18m.
I think I'm in love with him. He says he's in love with me. We never dated but we're like best friends. He likes me along with another girl. He could never go out with me because he liked her, and visa versa.
So I've just been feeling horrible because this is the first time I've ever been in love, and I can't do anything about it. I just want to cry when I see him because nothing serious will ever happen. I just want to hug him and never let him go.. geez I'm getting teary just wrtiting this.. He's been upset about this situation too.. he just can't make a choice and I don't blame him? I'm getting so fed up that I told him that he should just try and fix things up with the other girl.. but he told me that he just can't give up yet.
But I guess my question is, what do you think is the right way for me just to foget about him? I can't stay up one more night dwelling on this, and I don't want him to dwell on this anymore either.. and if it helps I really don't have any other options when it comes to guys..
If you read all of this, thanks..
-Miserable in Massachusetts
The Answer
Let go of it. You don't need to have other options; this one isn't good enough for you.
He is being deeply cruel and nasty to keep you tagging along, telling you he loves you but can never be with you. It doesn't matter how he *feels* about it all, what he is *doing* is purely selfish. He's addicted to his own drama and you shouldn't be letting him play with your heart like that.
You should be blaming him. Cut down your communication unless he starts behaving responsibly. If you stop talking to him and dragging up all this emotional bull again and again, you'll find it easier to move on.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
i think i might have a phobia of some sort...
before i have to give a speech or even read out loud i freak out. i have something like a panic attack. i cant breathe right, my mouth is dry, my voice shakes, i start trembling etc...
are there any medications i can take for this?
The Answer
I think you are jumping the gun a little here darling. Lots of people get nervous when they need to speak in front of others; according to a old survey people are generally more afraid of public speaking then they are of death.
Don't rush in for medication, although medication does exist for this sort of thing, it shouldn't be your first option, can have some nasty side effects and don't always address the real problem.
First try speaking to a counselor or teacher; they can be a great resource for some coping techniques. A Behavioral Therapist can also be a very valuable resource if you think you have a phobia, they will help you deal with it in your day to day life, not just try to medicate it away.
And lastly, consider this:
When people get scared they start to breath faster and shallower. That puts more oxygen in their body and makes them MORE nervous! Causes the heart rate to jump, and can also be a factor in the dry mouth and shaking. So control your breathing, slowly and deeply. You'll be surprised just how much calmer you feel if you count take three extremely slow breaths before you try to present.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
I've liked my best friend's neightbor for a long time, but the only problem is: she liked him too. I understand because they're neighbors and really good friends, but he's one of my really good friends too. He says he's liked me since around the same time I started liking him. But this summer, my friend said that he started messing around with her. He even kissed her once. But he says he doesn't remember any of that. He even admitted this fall she was just a friend and he really liked me. But a couple months later, things got pretty rocky and he stopped saying I love you and my friend said that he said he didn't like me anymore. A couple weeks ago she came to school crying because she lost her virginity to him. Yeah, that's right. I talked to him about it and he admited it, adding that he wished it was me. Hello? I told him that she said that he didn't like me, and he said he does. Now he's saying I love you again and asking me to come over alone. I secretly want this but I don't want to hurt my best friend. My question is who's lying and what are his motives?
The Answer
It barely matters who is lying at this point, probably everybody. You are all getting very confused, and this is a very messy situation.
This guy doesn't know what or who he wants, but he is willing to drag you and your friend (and probably any other girl who showed an interest in him) through the mud to find out, changing his mind whenever things get to rough with one of you, and causing you both a lot of pain in the process. Maybe he is so cruel that he is simply trying to use you for sex, but it seems more likely he is just a foolish and inconsistent boy, who doesn't realize how cruel he is being.
If you get together with him now, you will not only seriously hurt your friend and probably loose her, but you'll be telling this guy that his behavior, which was being unclear with both of you, if not blatantly lying and taking advantage of your friend even though he didn't really care about her, was alright.
Do you really want to be with someone who thinks it is okay to treat people like that? Someone who doesn't see anything wrong with playing nasty games with a girls mind and body?
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
hey,i am going out with this dude that i am totally obsessed with.we always do everything with eachother.i guess you can say we are madly inlove.theres just one problem,are sex is not that good.it just dosent feel great,pleasing,fun.the last guy i was with it was awesome,but i dont know what to do.
The Answer
You start talking about it.
Sometimes people just click sexually and sometimes they don't.
Don't expect every guy you date to be incredible in bed right off the bat, but if you aren't really enjoying yourself it is time to tell him what you do enjoy. Don't compare him to others you've been with, just describe what works for you.
Go slow, give clear instructions and listen to his desires as well. Chances are if you aren't thrilled, he isn't either and will be all for improving your understanding of each other in bed.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
I'm a 16/f and I've liked this guy for 4 years now, ever since one of my friends dated him. Just in the past 8 months we've been talking and spending time together. Around August we stopped talking until just recently. I asked my friend for advice on what to say to him because I'm super shy. But now since it's Winter Break and he isn't busy with school or work much. So the other night I went over to his house. He kind of pressured me into having sex, I'm not complaining or anything because I wanted my first time to be with him but I just didn't imagine it being then. My friend keeps telling me that's the only reason he talks to me is because he wants to have sex, since we didn't talk for a long time until the topic of sex came up. I'm really confused with him. When I'm with him it's almost like I'm memorized by him and make myself believe that he has feelings for me. But on the other hand I can see where my friend is coming from when she says he's using me, she's my best friend and doesn't want to see me hurt. What do you think? I don't want to be someone he only calls when he's horny. I'm not that type of girl.
The Answer
You need to trust your gut and start listening to what this guy really says to you.
If you truly think you are just making yourself believe he cares for you, then you already have your answer right there. Start to pay attention to what he is *really* saying and not just hearing what you want to hear.
If you don't want to be that kind of girl, then don't be, stop right now and tell him why you have, that you don't regret having sex you just want to step back and go slower. You have built a fantasy around this guy that he can't possible live up to, maybe he isn't using you, but 'till you clue in you'll never know.
Best friends aren't always right, but they aren't often wrong, so be careful and take care of yourself.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
my sister & i made a calendar for my parents & we want to bind the paper pages together (it's construction paper). what place can do this for us? or is there a way to buy something & do it ourselves?? (no more than 10 dollars!!) thank you!
The Answer
Office Depot or any photocopying store should be able to help you. Most binding will only set your back $3 - $7 dollars.
But I have to agree with what XxRockon said. Take a hole punch and then tie two or three bows with ribbon or string. It's simple, inexpensive, pretty and hand made.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
how does someone go from being a level I moderator to being a level II or III moderator? thank you!
The Answer
http://www.advicenators.com/faq.php?f=69
Read the FAQ. Level II moderators are chossen when one is needed, which isn't too often. So be the best Level I mod you can be, rate, be active and helpful.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
hi im 18/f and i dont have a boyfriend at the moment...its been almost a year...and i was wondering if anyone knew any ways of getting...pleasured...alone(preferably in the shower) please no descriminating comments--im desperate!
thanks.
The Answer
It is against the rules for columnists here to answer a question with sexually explicit instructions so I am afraid you wont get much direct help.
This is a site will help answer your questions:
http://www.coolnurse.com/masturbation.htm
http://www.coolnurse.com/masturbation_howto.htm
Don't be afraid to experiment a bit, you can't hurt yourself, and no mater how much you read and how many instructions you know, in the end it is about what personally makes you feel good.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
what kind of anxiety does Ativan help with? What are the side effects?
The Answer
You'd be best to ask a doctor or even just walk up the pharmacist counter they will be able to tell you even more about it.
Here is a website that has some details on the drug:
http://www.psyweb.com/Drughtm/ativan.html
Basically Ativan is just a brand name for a drug that's official name is Lorazepam.
BIG THINGS TO KNOW:
It is a sedative, which isn't the only option for anti-anxiety medications and not something I would personally recommend, it will make you rather sleepy and clumsy which can make life difficult. However, that means it will come into effect quicker then other anti-anxiety medications.
According the sites I checked it is not proven to be effective for teens or children.
The habit-forming potential is high! That means this can be an addictive medication.
Check the website above or run a google search of your own to see all the possible side effects.
If you feel you need an anti-anxiety medication speak to your doctor before you do anything else! They will recommend what they think is best for you! TRUST DOCTORS NOT COMMERCIALS!
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
My bf is a stubborn jerk, to be blunt. Well for starters he got mad at me the last time I phoned him becuase it was before 6 pm. He moved away to another province 6 weeks ago for a job. He hasnt phoned me or emailed me since then. I also suspect he was annoyed becuase I didnt sound more upset that he was moving.
Everyone has warned me about long distant relationships, and I used to think me and my bf could do it. But now I can see what they were warning me about.
I cannot believe that my bf hasnt even wished me a merry xmas yet! Or bought me a gift and sent it in the mail!!
So my question is should I wait for him to email me or should I?
The Answer
Darling, if he hasn't emailed or called in a bloody month he probably isn't your boyfriend anymore...
You should definitely e-mail him. You are owed an explanation but before you do please consider:
Do you still want to be in a relationship with him after this?
After a month of no contact I'd be considering myself a free woman. Call it dumped by default.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
okthers this guy i used to go out w/ but i still love him and i don't know why. I mean when we went out he used to always talk about girls and now he says he still likes me and wants to try again later but he also likes this other girl at the same time. Today he even wen to a girl's house and had some "fun" does he really like me?? or should i move on? the problem is everyone else i know is taken
~confused and heartbroken
The Answer
So what if everyone else you know is taken? Clearly he isn't right for you. He is fooling around with other girls! Would he do that if he really cared about your feelings?
It is better to be alone then be with someone who is just fooling around and leading you on. Try and get over it. Cry it out and move on. He has nothing to offer you.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Ok so i wanna be an actress!!!! i have done comunity theater, I am a good actress and I wanna live in NY. But my mom...Im only 13!! She wants me to go to college so i thought, i will go for an arts degree right? Wrong!! she wont pay for an arts degree and college is way more $ than im gonna be able to aford and i know, i should'nt be thinkin bout college at 13? right? well my mom says i really should be "focusing on my future"?!??!? what does that mean? I wanna be an actress sooooo badley! what should i do?
ps. Please help!!!
The Answer
It can be very difficult to convince a parent to allow you to go into the arts. Parents just worry for your success and security in life. Acting is not a very secure profession by and large, it has the reputation of being even worse then it really is, but it is highly competitive. The best way to make your mother take your dream seriously is for you to take it seriously.
Keep participating in community theatre, the connections and friendships you make there might help you find other opportunities. Join any youth theatre or club you can and research, research, research. Learn about schools, acting unions in your area (Yes most professional actors are members of a union), training programs and theatre history and acting styles.
Use the information you gather to help sell your dream to your mother, tell her about successful graduates, about other opportunities for actors and fallback plans. You have four years to convince her of your seriousness and dedication.
Keep your grades up as well. Good acting programs are highly competitive! The program at my university only accepts about 30 of over 300 applicants. Your talent will get you noticed, but your grades can make the difference.
But I do need to tell you, if worst comes to worst, it is possible to go to college without your parents support. Lots of people do it. It's harder. It's tiring, and you have to work that much harder for it, apply for grants and scholarships and still go into debt anyways. But it is possible.
(View All Other Answers.)