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How do you talk to stubborn kids (A question to the more mat
Ok guys, Im somewhat at a loss. Most questions on this website tend to be at least somewhat mundane. Stuff that, while it could be very important to the poster, isnt life threatening or seriously life altering.
However, every once in a while, we come to the ones that ask a question about something where they stand to screw either their own, someone elses, or both lives.
Case in point, Ive just answered the second question from a girl who is 16 and wants to get pregnant when shes single, living at home, and basically incapable of supporting herself, much less a baby.
Now, this is not the only example, just a very recent one. Worst of all, many of the questioners in these cases are completely opposed to opposing points of view. They are determined that theirs is the right course of action, and are determined to screw themselves and others in the process.
So, my question to the masses, is does anyone know how to get through to idiots like this? Does anyone even think its possible? Im asking mostly those 18 and up, anyone can respond but Im looking for viewpoints from people who are at least looking back at the high school perspective, not in the throes of it.
Thanks, and sorry for length.
-The Spirit Fox
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Want to answer more questions in the Miscellaneous category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Etiquette?
I guess we just need to try and tell them what the best thing would be to do for themselves and hope they take the advice.
by the way im 18 and so i know how high school stuff can influence teenagers to to wrong things since i was there not to many years ago!
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As one who has been there and done that at age 17 I can tell you it is possible but not fun nor is it easy. It is not something I would recommend to anyone. Ever. My pregnancy was not done on purpose either. It was just one of those accidents of ignorance at the time.
I was lucky enough to marry my baby's father(16). I am lucky I am still married and I know it isn't the way things usually work out.
He couldn't even get a decent job until he was 18. We didn't rely on our parents at the time at all. We had a baby a black and white TV that you had to change channels with a screw driver. 1 table 1 chair, 1 bed and a crib. One truck to drive that the door would fly open when you turned corners. I know you think I'm kidding but I am not. Its funny now it wasn't then.
The cost is horrible. Try eating cream of wheat with jelly in it for days at a time so you can buy formula and diapers and pay bills.
I don't write this to be felt sorry for...please don't think that. This is not even the tip of the iceberg of the things you deal with.
Friends go on with their lives. School, parties etc. You don't. You have a child to raise and bills to pay. They may visit for a couple of months and then they are history. They don't have time for the shit you have to deal with.
The reason I am writing this is to make a point. I have told girls this and they just do not listen. I too get frustrated about this subject to the point of wanting to pull my hair out. If this doesn't get them thinking just what will? I would sure like to know.
I've told them you have to have a good car to go to work, you have to have tires and insurance and tags. You have to have electricity and rent, gas and water. Diapers and formula, clothes. Medical bills out the wazoo if things go normally. Triple plus if they don't. Under age 20 is considered high risk pregnancy so you tack on extra medical bills for that alone.
God forbid the car breaks down.
My son turned out great. I don't know how he did he had it rough too. He was lucky to have had two parents who cared. That's all he had. That doesn't make it okay. Nobody should purposely do that to themselves or an innocent child. Because the fact is my case was rare. Most won't marry the father. If they do it won't last. Their poor parents will carry the load which is unfair to them. They won't have an education and they won't get a good job. Times have changed for the worse since then.
PLEASE LISTEN PEOPLE!!! IF THE GIRLS WON'T THEN PLEASE YOU BOYS LISTEN!!
I'm sorry I got to ranting. Your question is a good one. I don't have an answer for you. I sure wish I did. I wish I had one they would listen to. One that would sink in.
I will give it up and jump off the soapbox now. :)
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I do think it is possible to talk such people down for their own great self-destruction. I don't think it's easy and I never expect to achieve it single-handedly through my advice.
However, my approach to such extreme cases is normally in the vein of tough love. If someone is truly stubborn and hell bent on hurting themselves or others, there ought to be consequences for attempting to practice that behavior even in small ways like asking for advice here. I can't punish them, but I certainly don't need to be nice. I can be blunt and in extreme cases downright mean. To get someone like that's attention I try to be clear and catastrophic.
Someone who has already displayed a desire to do something vicious or selfish is probably of the mode of thinking that "I'm not going to listen unless it affects me." So make it affect them. I suppose I believe that if the advice to these people doesn't 'hurt' in some way, then it won't work.
But you don't need to insult a person, just get creative. Too keep up with your example, don't talk about how much the child or her parents or her boyfriend would suffer. Tell her that having a baby wont just take up all her time, it will destroy her nice young body, make her basically uninteresting to all her young friends who quite rightly have better things to do with their time resulting in her only company being someone whos communication style includes vomiting on her, and the vast majority of her family will resent her for years to come. She likes to dance? Well she wont have the energy to do that in her own living room for six months, oh that's if her 'rents don't kick her out. If they do she wont be able to afford a home with a living room for 5 years, minimum, and that's with a partners help.
We do the best we can for people by being straightforward, honest AND forceful. Then all we can do it hope that their lives are full of people who love them and will repeat messages like ours over and over again, until they get a clue.
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I think that sometimes you just have to accept that some people are just going to do things their way whatever anyone else says or thinks, now sometimes this isn't a bad thing as it is impossible to be absolutely 100 percent sure of how things will work out for them but on the whole if it is obvious to most people that something isn't really a good idea and the person involved won't listen then you just have to accept that whatever you say it won't make any difference. I also think that sometimes people already have an answer to a problem in their heads and the reason they ask others is to confirm that what they are going to do anyway is the right thing, of course if you say that it isn't they then get pissed off and do what they were going to do anyway. I have always been of the opinion that if someone is determined to screw up their life they will, and you might stop them this time by persueding them not to take an obviously bad route but eventually they will find a way to screw it up, so you start to ask yourself 'what's the point?' and to be honest I don't know but I do think that people with more insight or experience or information or whatever you want to call it, need to keep trying to help those that ask because if they don't more people will screw up more of the time.
I know this is all just the way I veiw things and others may not agree and that's their right.
Don't give up on everyone just because sometimes people make you feel dispirited.
All the best
Kizlode.
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yes thanks for incorperating me into your question. you dont know anything about me so how do you no that im am incapable of supporting myself? yeah thats what i thought.. and i know your talking about me!
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Alot of people do things and dont know why they do them. Sometimes you can talk to them about making right choices and hope tha they do but sometimes it is better to learn from their mistakes. I think there are many answers to this question and different opinions. The only way to get through to people like that is to point them in the right direction not make them make the right decision but just hope they do. Each person is responsible for what they do and no one can do it for them.
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Well, weird as it is, people think that doing stupid things, will make them happy. With your example, maybe she just wants to have something to love, and look forward to. I know, it isnt good that people are thinking these things, but it's not like we're their parents. They came to this site, to either get advice or attention. As just like that other girl said, we dont know their backrounds. We really cant do anything about it, sadly. We really dont have power over them. When you give someone advice, it's usually because you're trying to help them get through a problem and you pray that they pick what you said, but it's not TELLING them what to do. It's their lives, they have the chances and oprituniies to screw them up, sad as it sounds, maybe you should bring this up to someone like your example. Plus, i've found, that most questions asked here, are questions they people who asked, can answer themselves, that's why they came here. Hope i helped, and trust me, i feel your pain.
~Jill~
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Spirit Fox, I am a 16 year old male "in the throes" of dramatic, pimply faced high school, but as far as my councelor and I are concerned, I'm 19-ish. I don't know what makes kids complacent, content with aspirations like "underpayed machanic" and "pregnant teen", but I for one believe it is very selfish. I know a lot of friends that have contemplated actually ending their lives over boys/girls or their parents. They need to know how selfish they are being, and see what they have the potential to become. It might seem to be the right way for them, but if they share mutual love with anyone (parents, friends, and other family)then you've found one way to go about it. Show them how much they are hurting the people who care about them and not just themselves. In the pregnant teen's case, what about her baby? If this seems a little obvious for an approach I would be discouraged, If they have dreams, if they enjoy things about their life, if they want their life to gain purpose or all of the above, bringing life into an invironment like hers or ending it all isn't going to do much but hurt everyone is it? I always let my friends know that they are precious to me and their family. How much worse for us life would be if we knew we couldn't support them enough emotionally to keep them alive.
Sorry if I wasn't enough to the point.
SayItAintSo
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Hey..Well, I'm not 18&up, but in my opinion,
I don't think you can tell anyone what to do on this website since we don't know their background...but we can help them and influence their decision.
On the question where the 16 year old girl asked how to tell her parents she wanted to have a baby, I responded by telling her about the responsibilities of parenthood.--The decision is hers to make.
All we can do is give advice and try to influence them..if they'll even listen. Whatever mistake they make, it's their mistake..not ours. We can't say we never warned them.
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