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Hi. I left and came back. But I don't like this column anymore. Check out my new column.

http://www.advicenators.com/column.php?u=thefish

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A male friend of mine that I've been hoping that one day will become more than friends with me was having a conversation with me one day. We were watching a Dr. Phil show about dead beat parents. I started telling my friend how I would raise my kids if I ever had them one day. My friend was listening intently and seemed to be really interested in what I had to say. Well after this he said to me "so when are you having these kids"? I got a little embarrassed and then told him that I hadn't thought about it (although I had, with HIM being the father) and said that I just knew I would be a great father. Then he said in a really quiet but sweet voice "yes, you would make a great mother some day".
Do you think this may mean he's interested in me as more than a friend, and may be contemplating having a family with me someday? He would make a great father, he's so good with kids.
Oh yeah, I am 28 and he is 45. We've both never had children.
I will rate high!

Wow. Believe me when I say that I mean no offense by this, but before I got to the last sentence I thought you were fifteen. You are not going to get any younger! It's obvious you like this guy, and I really do think he likes you as well. So just make a move! This is just my opinion, but if I were that age and still wasn't married with two kids, there would be no "someday"; my ship would have sailed...and then sunk. That's just me though (I can't wait to start a family, other people do prefer to wait a while.) While I commend you for having so much more patience than I do, I think you are ready to have a family with this man. It's your life and I am not telling you what to do. This is just my opinion. However, I don't think any good can come around from sitting and trying to interpert every vague little thing he does. One of you has to make a move, and if he's too shy then it's up to you.

K i have a quick ? for my friend, we live in the state of ct, and shes 17 years old, she wants to date a 20 year old guy, but the guy said its ilegal. Is this true? cause i told her from what I read myself , it is not ilegal as of now in the state of ct a 16 year old , and older is legal in the state of ct to date / have sexual contact with a man over the age of 18, but its 2006 all the laws i see are 2005 and older is this still true? thanks for any input my friend would really appreciate it, because i dont kno if the rules have changed i dont kno where to look

That guy really needs to check his facts! It is perfectly legal. Even if she is not over the age of consent she can still go out with a twenty-year-old. At seventeen, it's pretty much assumed that you are able to make adult decisions. The age of consent is there to prevent statutory rape, but it's basically enforced for things like a twelve-year-old consenting to have sex with someone older than they are. Just because she/he consents, she/he was not considered old enough to make such decisions. So it is legally rape. But if a seventeen-year-old is in a relationship with a twenty-year-old, and they want to consumate their love, the law is not enforced. I mean, how could it be? It's their business anyway. Besides that, if there is no sex involved then there is no statutory rape. It's perfectly acceptable to date and not have sex.

Hey. Is it true that guys won't have sex with girls if the don't shave their vaginas?

No. Some like it shaved, some don't and some like it either way. Personally I think the third group is the best...they know they're lucky to be getting any at all. If a guy really cares about you, this won't be an issue to him. He will be happy just to share such a wonderful thing with you. Don't ever change yourself for a guy, even if it's something small. If you want to shave your pubic hair, do it for yourself (and be careful, the skin there is very sensitive).

13/m
ok i hope that this is in the correct category. well i masturbate wayyy 2 much. i kno i need 2 stop. 1 because my girlfriend doesn't like me doing it. 2. becuz its a little weird that i do it a lot. like whenever i get a boner ( and no1 is around or im in my room , if im at my house ) i masturbate. i only do it at my house and shit but still. Plus the major thing is that i need 2 do this for my girlfriend * i dont wanna loose her or risk loosing her *. please dont tell me 2 think of sumthing else, trust me i have tried, it doesn't work for me.
thanks in advance
tiredofit

I don't think it's any of her business what you do with your body, as long as you're not going out and having sex with other people. Is she thirteen as well? If so, she probably doesn't understand it very well. But the thing is, sex is a drive. We need it just like we need food and water. It's actually much healthier for you to masturbate than to repress it. I assume that this girl isn't ready to lose her virginity. If you are sexually satisfying yourself on a regular basis, this makes you less desperate for sex and thus less likely to pressure her to have sex. There are some great articles about masturbation at http://www.scarleteen.com/. You should read them, and maybe show a couple of them to her. Make it clear that you're not forcing her to agree with you. Tell her that you are masturbating because you respect her and don't want to put sexual pressure on her. Also, it's not "weird" that you do it a lot. I do it like, atleast five times a day. There is no normal range for this. You do it when you need to. If your girlfriend still doesn't get it, you may not like it, but I think it's best you break it off with her. Like I said, it's really none of her business.

And, just to boost your self esteem, I'll tell you right now that I could never be with a man who didn't masturbate.

This is probably going to sound pretty fucking wierd, but it bothers me.

Ok, Im dating this girl. Shes agnostic/athiest, Im christian, formerly catholic non denominational. Up to this point, with the exception of discussion, Ive not really had any issues with religions shit in our relationship. It doesnt bother me that shes agnostic, it hasnt bothered her that Im christian.

So, today we were talking, and I told her I was going to become a reverend in the universal life church. For those of you who dont know, its an online website where you can actually get legally ordained and become a reverend in the eyes of the law. I find this fucking hilarious, and have wanted to for a while, but never got around to it.

She reacted badly. First, she joked that she didnt want to be involved with a reverend. Then she got serious and basically made it clear that it would bother her for me to become a reverend while I was dating her (expressed so that it was clear she didnt want me to do it)

Then she tells me its "disrespectful towards my religion"

This is coming from a girl who Ive watched the jesus episodes of southpark with. Whom I have made catholic joke after catholic joke (Im entitled, I was raised in it) with and laughed with her. Whom I have had frank discussions about the real failings of certain christian sects.

And now this.

Needless to say, I reacted badly. I was, and am pissed at her, for reasons I cant really say. Given that she doesnt even have a religion (because atheism and agnosticism are no more religions than bald is a hair color) I dont see where she gets off getting on me for being "disrespecful" towards mine or having an issue with it when its not like...

Anyway. Enough impassioned speeches, my question to the masses, is what do you think. Am I out of line? Is she? Because Im going to do this, and shes not going to like it. And I dont like feeling guilty for doing things I know arent wrong.

I think you're both overreacting. It sounds like you kind of sprung that on her, and she wasn't prepared for it. I probably would have reacted the same way. She was probably thinking, "Whoa. I thought I knew him, and now he's a Jesus Freak." That was probably just her instant reaction, though. She needs time to let it settle in. How long ago was this? If it was just today, she may just need a day or two to get over it. And then you both need to do some serious communicating. I really don't think this is worth losing your relationship over, if you both try to see each other's point of view that won't have to happen. All relationships have road blocks. And trust me, even if you both identified yourself as being the same religion, whatever that was, you would find that your actual beliefs are pretty different. Being able to agree on everything doesn't make a good relationship. It's being able to work through your disagreements and compromise that makes a relationship strong. Sorry if I'm wrong, but from the way your question sounds it seems like this is your first big fight with her. Get used to it, because that's going to be half your relationship. But it's obvious you care about her and she cares about you, so don't give up.

okay well i have old beanie baby and pokemon cards left from about 8 years ago when they were very popular and now i no longer want them. i want to sell them on ebay but am i better off selling them now or waiting a few years. is the value of them going to go up or down in the next 5, 10, 20 years?

Pokemon cards have no value. A few years ago they were worth a lot, but not anymore. And since Beanie Babies are still sold all over the place, I would wait about 15 years. Preserve them in the meantime. Besides, you never know. If you sell them now you may regret it. "Why did I sell my Beanie Babies?" you might think, "They were ever so cute!" Also, you might have children in the future. Wouldn't it be swell to have an old stuffed animal from when your parents were kids? I think it would be. I'm not saying "Don't sell them!" it's your choice. But like I said, wait a while. I still see Beanie Babies in the mall and they're way cheaper then when they first came out. They're still being collected by young kids and old fans (wow, I sound so much like an old woman it's scary!). And you'll never believe this--I was completely shocked. It's now considered "good" to rip the tags off! I told my little cousin not to because that decreases their value, and she didn't see how that was possible.

Well, to each her own.

In the meantime, get some tag protectors and keep your Beanies out in the open so they don't get moldy!

Hey, ok so i put this under love life because the guy I like had [NOP]as a part of his online name today, so I'm just wondering, because it got me curious. And yeah, I couldn't find a better category. So my question is just what does 'NOP' stand for? Thank you.

"No Operation". Used in IM to say "no". He could have been using it to say "Don't im me right now, please."

So I have this boyfriend I love with all my heart. We've been going out for a little over a year. But like lately Uve been meeting other guys and I don't like them or anything but I always think of like what would happen if I cheated on my boyfriend with one of them. One of these guys, I will be seeing this weekend and I know it's possible something couldl happen. And I don't know. I don't want to cheat, but I might. Helppp!

Everybody is attracted to other people. It's natural. But you need to learn how to seperate attraction from the love and trust of a real relationship. "Something" can only happen if you let it, it's completely up to you whether you cheat or not. But you need to ask yourself if it's worth it. Is it worth it to fool around with a guy you don't even like? Think about what might happen afterwards. You would feel guilty about doing it, and start to get paranoid around your boyfriend. You wouldconstantly wonder if somehow he knows. You would be under a lot of pressure to keep it secret, and in the long run keeping secrets hurts both of you. Who knows if this boy you had the fling with would keep his mouth shut? Somehow, the information would get back to your boyfriend. Your boyfriend might choose not to believe it and say "My girl would never do that!" making you even more guilty, or he might believe it and be really hurt. Then he would break up with you, and both of you would feel awfully bad. You might even try going back to the other guy for consolation, only to find that he doesn't care for you any more than you cared for him--you were only someone he was attracted to.

So basically what I'm saying is that you should keep your fantasies. Do whatever you want in your dream world. But don't compromise your relationship for a fling. If you decide that you don't want to stay in the relationship, break up with your boyfriend. It will hurt, but it would hurt even more if you cheated on him.

I'm sure you'll make the right choice.

-tasuki

is it true tampons make your cherry pop? and does it mean you're not a not a virgin anymore?

They can break your hymen (aka pop your cherry), but they can't make you lose your virginity. The virginity is not lost when the hymen is broken, otherwise a lot of girls would have lost their virginity by riding horses, bike riding, climbing a tree, etc. Some girls are not even born with an intact hymen! So, yeah, it doesn't mean anything.

when you ask questions and you see 1 answer that is totally dif. from the others do you automatically think its wrong and rate it low without looking into it more?

ex: so person asked if fruit made you fat? and i said it did.. that is exactly what my doctor told me because it does contain alot of calories and really isnt good if you have weight problems.. yes its better than candy but there are still better things

but anyways. everyone else said no. and really they are wrong.. you gain weight from eating basically anything.. and not even investigating my answer i was rated a 1..

how do react when you see that 1 answer that is dif?

know i know that some yes are really obviously wrong
but seriously how do you know if those other like 10 people are right or not?

When I've asked questions in the past I never really got a lot of answers, so it's hard to say. But I've given some answers that are different from what other people have given. Lots of times I get a five for being more insightful than the rest of the thoughtless responses. I think it is mostly in the attitude you have and the way you give your answer. Like if all you said was "yes fruit can make you fat" without explaining your reasons, I can see their reason for giving you a one. If you did explain your reasons, this person is kind of a jerk and it would be best to forget about it.

I agree with you. One of the benefits of having so many different columnists able to answer the same question is that the person who asked it gets many perspectives. It's not fair to blow off someone's perspective just because it was different. Like I said, I don't really see that happen often. But what about the people who get angry because you tell them what they don't want to hear? It's kind of along the same lines. I usually just shake my head and say "They're immature." Anyway, they're in the minority since a lot of people say they like my advice.

13/f

ok well, a few of my friends and ALOT of people in my school and some even carry around condoms in their purses and stuff. some of my friends havnt done it yet but claim to love their boyfriends so their thinking about doing it. they're afraid they'll get pregnat and stuff like that or they're boyfriends will leave them or something. they say that sex is the most wonderful gift you can give to someone. then why does EVERYONE these days have sex ALL THE TIME?!?!? and another thing why is it the best thing you can give someone? i mean really? i personally dont think its a big deal to be a virgin before your married i mean, whats the diffrence? ok ONE last question for you. i love my boyfriend too and i would consider having sex with him(depending on the answers above) but how would i bring the subject up with him? please answer and sorry for all the questions.

Personally I think the girls who carry condoms with them are doing the right thing, because you never KNOW what's going to happen and it's best to be prepared. I don't think anybody is having sex more than usual, but when the 1970s happened people had a big sexual revolution. They were having sex with everyone, even total strangers. Maybe I'm exagerating. I wasn't alive then. This is just what my parents and favorite teacher told me. But anyway, since then, people have been way more open about sex. Before that, it was really bad to have sex before marriage. I'm not talking about the few religious people who preach abstinence now, I'm just saying that every parent said this to their kids. But teenagers will always be teenagers, and teenagers do two things: lust after each other, and rebel against their parents. Put these together and you get lots of teen sex. I think the idea that sex is the most wonderful is because you are not just giving them a pretty little gift--you are giving them YOURSELF. Obviously this is not a thing to be given away casually, and I'm sure that most people realize it. However, many times they think that they are giving themselves to someone that they love who loves them back and they turn out wrong. That said...at thirteen, most people are not emotionally ready for sex, though you may be physically ready. I'm sure everyone your age is thinking about having sex, and that's perfectly normal. If they are actually having it, well, that's really too bad. I think they are way too young. But that doesn't mean you have to do it as well.

I haven't been to many funerals, but I am young and expect I'll be attending quite a few over the course of my life. I need advice on two issues that have come up at the funerals I have been to:

1. What do you say when someone asks how you are? To say that you're "doing great" or even "fine" seems disrespectful to the dead person and their family.
2. I am an atheist. What am I to say when someone brings up the afterlife? I feel like a liar when I nod and agree that yes, So-and-so is in a better place, but I can't very well tell the bereaved family members that their loved one is now worm food.

I haven't been to many funerals either, but this is basically what I would do.

1. It depends on how I actually feel. If I'm really numb with shock and on the verge of vomitting, I might just nod and then nibble on a cracker. If I am sobbing my eyes out, I don't expect anybody to ask me how I feel. Generally, I wouldn't expect anybody to ask this anyway. It's pretty much obvious how someone feels when they lose a loved one. I think most would respect this and simply try to comfort you in the best way they know how. Sometimes the best way they know how is to ask you how you feel. In a normal situation, ie, one where I'm not in shock or sobbing uncontrollably, I would just say "I'm coping." in a monotone and look away.

2. That's just the best way they know how to make you feel better. It might seem impersonal since a lot of people say it or go against your beliefs, but I really think what matters more is that they're trying. Personally, I think being "worm food" is a better place...it's calming in its own way. But I wouldn't say that to a grieving person! But I would expect that the really personal comforting is something done by only the close family members. For more distant relatives, just your attendance at the funeral is enough to show that you care.

I'm a sophomore in high school...and I'm really..scared. I don't know what to do with my life!..I don't even know the college process..how do I apply? How do I apply for financial assistance? What's a major/minor? I don't know which classes to pick when I get to college..I don't know what I want to be when I grow up..Can someone help me figure all of this college stuff out? Thanks so much.

I could tell you every detail, but that would be long and complicated. So I will tell you the simple answer: GO TO YOUR GUIDANCE COUNSELOR. It is his/her job to tell you everything you need to know about college! Plus, I'm not even sure about all the details, and a guidance counselor definitely is. But I can tell you this...it's nothing to worry about. I am a senior, I graduate in a few months and I don't know what I'm going to do either! Some people are ready, others think they're ready, and others know that they're not. You and I are in the third group. But it's okay because it just means we're going to put a little more thought into it than people who just rush into these things, and it'll turn out better in the end. Nobody says you have to go to college right away. I am sick of school and want to get out, and I don't want to go directly from one school into another. That's why I am taking a year off to work (though I will be taking a college course as well, just to get credit and experience). A woman I admire very much did not want to go to college. She started working and then realized that she didn't want to be doing that horrible job for the rest of her life. She went on to become a teacher and a very personal mentor of mine, as you can see since I am so inspired by her story. Another woman I look up to, my aunt, said that she wasn't sure if she wanted to go to college until she worked scrubbing toilets for a while. Logically, anyone would say they'd rather be a lawyer than clean toilets but sometimes you need to experience it to believe it. I know you didn't ask whether or not you wanted to go to college, but I'm just telling you this so you know you DON'T have to decide now.

I believe in abstinence, which is not having sex until you are married. I was just wondering how many guys would dump a girl who wouldnt have sex with him if they were going out? Guys tell me if you would dump me.

The key is to seek guys who have the same morals that you do. Don't go out with a guy who talks about all the sex he's had (he is most likely a virgin, but that is because he is a loser, not moral) and whose pick up line is something like "I can't wait to put my hands in your underwear and grab your boobs and knock you up." And don't be fooled, either. This guy could very well be the neatly dressed quiet guy in the library. It works the other way, too: the guy in the black trenchcoat wearing eyeliner and a dog collar could be saving himself for marriage as well. The way you find out about a guy's morals is by talking to him. Don't become committed to a relationship and THEN explain that you are saving yourself. When you first get to know the guy, even before you go on a date actually, tell him what you believe and he will most likely say whether he agrees or disagrees. Even if he doesn't agree (for example, he may have already had sex), if he is a good guy he will respect you and your decision. The guys who will dump you over something like this are the shallow, immature ones.

Ok here is a question that ponders my mind my mind, any ideas about the answer?? Where do the dinosaurs come in the bible?? and also if God existed forever then what was he doing before he created earth??

Well, the Bible doesn't talk about ipods and reality TV, does it? And we know why it doesn't. Obviously, the people who wrote the Bible didn't know about such things because they didn't exist at the time. They also did not know about dinosaurs. It is generally accepted that dinosaurs did exist, so this makes them a bit different than ipods and reality TV, but there were no "dinosaurs" until the 1800s. What the Bible does talk about it is human nature, and that's basically it. That's the only important stuff, anyway. A lot of things that were true in the Bible (for instance, it being a sin for a woman to wear pants) are not true today. However, many things are true today, such as the belief that it is wrong to murder. But I digress. Greeks and Romans have mythological references to dragons and ogres, and there are ancient Chinese records of actually finding dragon bones! I don't think these myths are something they just made up on the top of their heads (nobody is that creative, a writer needs to be inspired by something), and scholars believe that these "dragon" bones were actually dinosaur bones. And they found them thousands of years ago.

Actually, a few people have said that there are similar references to these in the Bible.

Check it out:
http://www.clarifyingchristianity.com/dinos.shtml
http://www.christiananswers.net/q-eden/edn-c004.html

please help i had a dream last night about a man i know and he is realy old and he felt me up and i was shouting my gran but she could hear me but she heard me in the end and she got him off me then i looked and he started abusing her and she just let him like if she did not let him then he will hurt her then i went to walk out of the room and he thretened to hit me and i said i am not scared of you go on hit me my dad is in the next room and he said thats why yours saying that but i said i dont care then i told my grandad then my dad came sat me on his knee and said tell me all about it i know somthing has happened then i was just crying and he was cuddling me and kissing me and said it will be ok but i have know ideal what it means i keep having dreams like this can anyone tell me what it means they are getting me down please help me i will rate.

Dreams are pretty much meaningless. All they are is thoughts that you have had way back at your mind that you may not have even realized (in other words, subconscious) that can be influenced by media images, things that happened a long time ago, stories that you have read and a lot of other things. Also, you can dream about things that you have been thinking about quite a bit lately. Some people say that dreams are influenced by what you eat, which is a belief held since ancient times. However, in my personal experience, I have had no stranger dreams when I eat weird foods before going to bed than when I don't eat anything. I know a lot of times drams can seem like they mean something is going to happen, but they don't. I have had dreams where everybody I know dies and then there is a rapist ninja stalking me. But that's just because I'm weird! It's not a sign of things to come and doesn't have any hidden meaning.

i just got my period, but the thing is, i got it 2 weeks ago, too. im really worried, im not expecting it for another 2 weeks! whats wrong?

Nothing's wrong, you are very healthy. Your cycle is just unstable. This may be because of a change in diet or stress (though that usually makes you late, not early) or that you are young. The cycle is not always perfect during the first few years.

Thanks for your help :)
I new it wasn't possible to get some one pregnant through the stumach, but i was talkign about if i happened to get it on my fingers and then stimulate her if you no what i mean? i agree with everyone, i feel phiscaly i am but im not ready for any consiquence that may come of this becasue i simply woul;dnt be able to handle it!

Thanks again

Tim

I don't think that can get her pregnant. A person I know was once fingered by a guy who had pre-cum on his finger and she was worried about getting pregnant. I will tell you the same thing I told her at the time--that I am fairly certain that sperm dies when it hits the air. I can't cite a decent source for this, though, and I have no idea how I came about "knowing" it so just to be safe, have a bottle of hand sanitizer nearby. Also, it's natural to not be prepared for something that's never happened before. We learn by making mistakes. Then the next time it happens we know exactly what to do, or we can prevent it all together. Humans are very adaptive, which is how we've survived centuries of war and natural disaster. If something does happen, do not just think that you are unable to handle it. You are. You just have to try.

Im a christian.
But i feel like, i need to do something to make my prayers heard. Or something its really hard to explain, i almost feel like i have no connect with god.
How do i become a "better" christian?
i suppose thats what im asking.

Okay, I may not be a Christian, but I have experimented with many different religions (including Christianity) and I do know how you feel.

That said, I don't think you can become a better Christian. You have to be the best you can be. If you already feel like you're at a spiritual road block, constantly reading your Bible and just praying isn't going to help. Neither is "putting your heart into it" since you're not sure where your heart is at the moment. I think it would be best to take a break. Don't put so much pressure on yourself to get close to God. God is your Father, He's always watching you. God is everywhere, I don't think it's possible to be any closer to Him than we already are. It's not God you need a break from, anyway. It's the religion. If you do something your entire life it is bound to grow old sometime. Try different things, just to refresh yourself. You may try reading about other religions, or writing in a journal. He won't think any less of you. And about your prayers not being heard--did you ever hear the expression "God helps those who help themselves."? Basically it means that you can't just sit and pray and expect God to fix your problems. You have to sit, pray, think about the situation, and then go out and do something about it.

It also helps to not rate yourself based on other people. Just because they seem like a better Christian than you are doesn't mean it's true. My friend can dance better than I can, but I can write better than her. Like I said, you have to be the best YOU can be.

-tasuki

Hey,
My main problem is basicaly im just Apsolutly petrified of sex! and anything to do with it really. I'm almost 18 and male, nearly 19 days of now, im in a relasionship of 5 months at the minute and ive lost my virginity, not in this relasionship though.
Through out all relasionships ive always been petrified of doing something wrong, accidently getting cum on my fingers or something, in my first hardcore relasionship i lost 1 and a half stone becasue she told me she was late, ive never had sucha rough week in my life!
People have said its really not possible to get some one pregnant during oral sex or what i just said? but still! Is this true? is my mind just esculating everything i think about that has something to do with babys lol!

I'm a really fun loving guy but it tends to get in the way sometimes and i worrie my self to peices when there probably is no need at all?

My first time, only time, was good , i enjoyed it and dint worrie at all, unfortunitly due to my idiocy i left the packet on the floor and her parents found it, (parents good catholics) and that was the end of that really.

Now i'm gettin up to this stage with my girl friend, im already always paraniod when it comes to simple oral sex, washing hands n all, but i mean? ive had sex before, and i enjoyed it thuraly lol, but if im scared, does this mean im not ready? does this mean i should just hold back?

My gf doesn't believe in abortion either which doesn't help as if something did excidently happen, if im honest i dont think id want to keep it, im for and against abortion but just at this age, i wouldnt be able to handle it!
I think she'd go on the pill, and id still use a condom but id still be stupidly paraniod if she took the pill everyday, and then i'd probably get even more wound up as i new she wouldnt come on her period every month as a relief sort of thing?

I no all this sounds a little blown out of preportion but unfortunitly thats how my mind works, i hate it totaly, i get one small thought, and it develops and grows and can totaly dig me in a hole.

Any help would be so so soooo Appreciated as i just need some reasurance or guidence or even just opinion?

Many thanks,

Tim

It's good to be cautious about sex, but another to be completely paranoid. I don't think you're ready, however that is entirely up to you to decide and really none of my business. It's okay to not have sex, I'm sure your girlfriend will understand if you say you want to wait.

And no, a girl can't get pregnant from oral sex. Here's why: a substance goes into the mouth, down the espohagus, and eventually into the stomach. Sperm goes into the vagina, down the fallopian tubes, joins with an egg, and into the uterus. The uterus is NOT the stomach. No babies can live in a woman's stomach. I think this confusion is caused by using the term "tummy" for stomach and women explaining to their little kids that they came from their mother's "tummy".

http://www.scarleteen.com/ has tons of information on both the physical and emotional aspects of sex. I highly recommend reading this website.

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