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What to say at a funeral
I haven't been to many funerals, but I am young and expect I'll be attending quite a few over the course of my life. I need advice on two issues that have come up at the funerals I have been to:
1. What do you say when someone asks how you are? To say that you're "doing great" or even "fine" seems disrespectful to the dead person and their family.
2. I am an atheist. What am I to say when someone brings up the afterlife? I feel like a liar when I nod and agree that yes, So-and-so is in a better place, but I can't very well tell the bereaved family members that their loved one is now worm food.
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I haven't been to many funerals either, but this is basically what I would do.
1. It depends on how I actually feel. If I'm really numb with shock and on the verge of vomitting, I might just nod and then nibble on a cracker. If I am sobbing my eyes out, I don't expect anybody to ask me how I feel. Generally, I wouldn't expect anybody to ask this anyway. It's pretty much obvious how someone feels when they lose a loved one. I think most would respect this and simply try to comfort you in the best way they know how. Sometimes the best way they know how is to ask you how you feel. In a normal situation, ie, one where I'm not in shock or sobbing uncontrollably, I would just say "I'm coping." in a monotone and look away.
2. That's just the best way they know how to make you feel better. It might seem impersonal since a lot of people say it or go against your beliefs, but I really think what matters more is that they're trying. Personally, I think being "worm food" is a better place...it's calming in its own way. But I wouldn't say that to a grieving person! But I would expect that the really personal comforting is something done by only the close family members. For more distant relatives, just your attendance at the funeral is enough to show that you care.
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1. Smiling sadly, raising your eyebrows, and shrugging is a good nonvocal way of saying "As well as can be expected, and thank you for asking". Or you could just SAY that, or something like it. Don't worry about it too much; no one is going to grade you, or (to be brutally honest) remember what you said. As long as it's not hideously inappropriate, that is - and you sound intelligent enough to avoid that.
2. The sad-smile-and-shrug (or nod) are always useful. Certainly it's not an appropriate time to bring up your beliefs (and I'm an atheist too, by the way). It's always safe to say something like, "At least s/he isn't suffering any more", although of course that's not appropriate if someone died unexpectedly and quickly. Or just bite the bullet and feel like a liar. But say as little as possible; it's certainly not appropriate to go into a lengthy sermon about Heaven, or anything like that.
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1. tell the truth, if they don't like it, they can get over it. Like at my dad's funeral, I just said "I miss him, but I'm fine." with a smile on my face...like a huge grin. that was the truth. I never really cried.
2. just nod and smile and then quickly retreat, unsuspiciosly of coarse!
3.What you need to understand is that it is okay to cry and that if you don't it is okay also. There is no reason to feel sorry or guilty for acting any different way from anyone else. Everyone reacts in their own way, it isn't a crime to smile at a funeral.
4.Since you didn't really know them as like seeing them everyday, just remember what you can, and leave if you can't stand the sitting around.(I just mean like at the after get-togethers, and I don't mean like leave imedeately, I mean like stay for like a little while and talk to a few people and then leave if you are able to.)
I hope that I helped, and remember that my inbox is always open. You don't have to rate, but it would be nice.Thanks.
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1. Say "I'm dealing the best I can with the loss." That's what I say at awkward funnerals.
2. Yes, you may feel like a liar but this is what the immedate family needs to hear. They are in a terrible state of grieving. Just support them and tell them that the decessed is finally at a peaceful rest.
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1. I would say, "well, I'm doing as well as can be expected, you know?"
2. I'm an atheist also. I say something like, "Yeah, I'm sure they're feeling better, now." It's the truth as i see it, after all.
I find, in general, the best way to answer these kinds of questions is to give answers that are true, but cause the other party to make assumptions based on their expectations. That way, you don't lie, and they feel just as comfortable as ever.
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Well, those situations are tricky. To the first question I would answer something like "Im alright" and then add something appropriate e.g. "still in shock that XXX died so young"/ "sad to miss the oportunity to get to know XXX better"/ "feeling bad for XXX's family they must really miss him" and so on. It doesnt have to be a lie mind you, these feelings will come naturally to most normal people- I am assuming now you arent a heartless psycho :).
As for the religion aspect, I am an agnostic personally (which religious people tend to throw into the same category as athiests). Generally I tend to say things like "I hope so" and "At least he is in peace now" whenever people refer to the deceased having passed on to the afterlife. Both are truths, both dont offend in any way.
Just respect their position and you will be fine, in the end its not all that hard to find appropriate things to say without lying.
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