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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
Someone told me (a teacher, but I'm not so sure how credible she is, she's pretty old) that you can get a scholarship for being a certain ethnicity. Huh?
I'm Russian and I speak Russian, do I qualify? Is there even such a thing?
The Answer
There are lots of scholarships out there for a whole bunch of reasons. There is actually a rather big scholarship out there for going to your prom in a dress made entirely out of duck tape...
Talk to your guidance counselor or do some research on different cultural centers or organizations, either nationally, or in your area, and you might come up with something you can apply for.
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The Question
ok. so my one friend is convinced that the world is going to end in 2012. i am one of those people who hears something and wants to be logical but i can't help but believe it. i also worry alot. can someone help set me straight because this whole thing is really starting to scare me. please respond!!
The Answer
Are you getting this from the Mayan predictions of end of the age of the 5th Sun?
The end of the 5th Sun is a date figured out by Mayan astrologers ages ago and has to do with the movement of Venus through the sky. Other cultures were always watching the sky, so they came up with similar signifigant dates... well, some of them did. Some of the other things you read online is just pure nonsense.
So the late Mayan calendar is ending, and then it enters a new epoch, just the same as our calendar changing from 2004 to 2005. Their epoch is just waaaaay longer then our year.
So is the world going to end? Well, that isn't what the Mayans predicted at all. Big Changes, sure. When you have a calendar that spans thousands of years you can see a lot of big changes. But Big Death, not so much.
Interestingly, it will happen at the same time as the next peak in solar sunspots does. So what does that mean? Not too much. The sun will over heat temporally and the last time that happened, in the 1960's, there was actually less natural disasters like earthquakes and eruptions then normal.
You might also have heard that the magnetic field around the earth is going to stop, fail, flip upside down, fail, whatever, causing us all to die. Absolutely freaking nonsense. The magnetic poles shift a bit regularly, with limited effect on the planet as a whole. Our magnetic field remains strong and protects us. There are theories that they once 'flipped' and south became north, once before, but the time of that supposed 'flip' doesn't even coincide with any major ecological disaster, just the normal extinction rates that go along with normal climate changes.
Do you remember all the fuss people made about the world ending in 1999, and then the fuss again in 2000 and 2001 (because there is no year 0 right?) or all the bull shit about Y2K?
Besides, if we are all going to die, while there aint a damn thing you can do about it, and it might happen tomorrow for all the good it does us to know about it! So relax.
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The Question
I've been seeing this girl for about 5 months online. Before then, we did all kinds of stuff for about 9 months. I'm not completely sure how I feel about her.
Before I started seeing her, I was in a horrible relationship. I had those sparks you're supposed to have when you kiss, but that was about it. It became obvious that she was crazy and I was scarred from it ((convincing me to have unprotected sex after making me incredibly depressed, then saying she wants to get pregnant and doesn't care who the father is. Treating me poorly in public. Lying to me and several important things and lying about me. etc...)) She came onto me a couple of months ago and the sparks were gone.
Anyway, I saw the girl I'm seeing now for the first time last week. I kissed her and there weren't very many sparks. It was nice. For the longest time, I was worried that I simply wasn't attracted to her enough. Sure, I thought she was pretty, but I wasn't sure if that was enough. She stayed a week with me and left today. I wasn't sure how I felt about her, but I knew I cared for her more than anyone else.
After I got back from dropping her off at the airport, I noticed dishes that she left out and her bed was still unmade. I broke down into tears and have been crying off and on since. It wasn't just because she is gone, but that's what set it off. I'm not the type of guy who cries because my best friend leaves, so I think my feelings are far deeper than friendship.
I want to stay with her, but I'm afraid that I'll always be afraid of getting close. Other things scare me about the whole thing (We live 27 hours away from each other, she's only 17 and I'm 23) and probably contribute to my fears. But I cried so hard for her. Harder than I can remember ever crying before. It's more than friendship. Most of the time I'm comfortable with her in my arms.
I'm wondering if anyone else thinks the same. Is there no chemistry or am I still just scarred from my last horrid relationship? I should mention that she's the only girl that has gotten me to cum with a condom on. Sex seems to be great, but kissing is only just nice. I have plans to go to her house for a month this summer. I think I might love her, but I'm still confused. Is there any advice on how to deal with this situation.
The Answer
Take some time for yourself.
Are you afraid of getting close? Maybe, but there are other factors here that are making this relationship more difficult then it needs to be: The age and the distance.
The age and the distance are working against you building a new trust and confidence in your romantic choices. It is a bit like falling off a horse, and then deciding you should get right back on the meanest, nastiest, bunking bronco in the barn. Although starting to date again in a good idea, your choice in relationship is not setting you up for success.
Your choice to enter a long-distance relationship, with a high-school aged girl is not setting yourself up for renewed confidence and maturity. Long-distance relationship put a great deal of stress on trust and her being a teenager, no matter how mature and wonderful she might be, make communication an inevitable struggle. You are trying communicate across 6 years. That is still a lot.
Am I saying it is impossible that you care for her and have a happy relationship with her? No, not all. But be wise enough to call a spade a spade: The new relationship you have chosen for yourself is not as easy one or one that will quickly and simply provide you with new trust and confidence. It just isn�t set up that way.
It is not surprising you are struggling emotionally, given your history, and the fact this new relationship is a difficult one.
What you need to do is sit down with yourself and sort out your emotions as best you can. What negativity is coming from your past? What bad feelings are associated with the fact that this relationship is not an ideal arrangement? What negativity is coming from the fact that you are not sure of your feelings with her?
My advice to is as follows, but I am certain you will not follow it, and that is okay:
Date other people, casually and with a mind to extending your socail network and having some fun. Hang out with other people. Get a hobby and an interest outside of this long-distance girl and see what might develop. That will help you build your confidence AND decide if a �relationship� with the long-distance teen is really something you want to work at, or if the cons outweigh the pros or your interest just isn't there.
What you really need, if you can simply sort out your feelings at the moment, is some perspective and some change. That won�t happen if you just keep doing the same thing. You need to stop taking your 'relationships' quite so seriously and ease into new people to build confidence. (ie, ride the kiddies ponies for a bit, not the broncos.)
EDIT: Larry brings up a good point. Having sexual encounters with this girl could get you in trouble, but not in most states, only in a few select states: Arizona, California, Idaho and Wisconsin. If you, or she, live in one of those, you should absolute stop seeing her.
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The Question
ive known this guy for 2 1/2 years and when we met it was attraction on the spot. spent hours talking and in constant admiration for each other. well, i was in a horrible ending relationship that i couldnt get out of and me and my new found love fell our seperate ways. in that time he married the mother of his child because of the void he was feeling and just to be closer to his child. well destiny placed us back together in another country together for a year and we fell back into each others arms but, now the problem is not two non-married love birds but he is maried and we stil have the same admiration for each other, in life i know you dont choose who you love, is chooses you than, what is a woman to do in this situation?
The Answer
Although it is true you can't choose your feelings you CAN choose your actions.
You can choose not to cheat. Period.
It might not be an easy choice, or what you want to do, but you can choose it and you should. Cheating with this man would be dishonest, destructive, and in the long-term not likely add to either of your happiness. (The percentage of lasting second marriages when the first marriage ended with the new partners cheating with one another: %5.)
Be the mature adult and don’t give in the ‘I wannas!’ and respectfully put your feelings on the backburner until he decides if he wants his marriage to continue or not. If, and when, he makes a clean break from his wife, then you can start exploring your feelings, NOT before.
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The Question
would you rather love a loser or lose a lover and why?
The Answer
I would rather lose a lover, handsdown.
I don't think 'loser' in the sense that other people don't think they are cool. (That is a very 'highschool' interpretation I think)
I take to mean an actual loser. A petty, small person who brings me down instead of helping me up. An abuser, a cheater, a selfish user or someone who doesn't love themself enough to not slowly kill themselves with drugs, drinks, or mental illeness.
A loser is someone who chooses to fail, or not to even try. A loser is someone who incapable of loving you back, because they are too wrapped up in thier own self-destructive bullshit.
I know a lot of adult 'losers' and some of them were really cool in highschool. Some are even still cool now! But loving them would be a curse. It consumes you. It bogs you down. You waste your time and passion on someone who can't give anything back.
LOVE is not all that matters. Love is a feeling, it comes and it goes. Love alone does NOT fuel a relationship, let alone a life time. You need respect, compromise and compassion as well. The real 'losers' don't have those things.
And sometimes, even though you might love someone, you have to lose them, or risk losing yourself. It's important to be strong enough to deal with the pain of that loss.
Always, ALWAYS better to be happy by yourself, then miserable with someone else.
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The Question
I have a co worker who described me as a manic depressive (her husband is one) I get angry at the drop of a pin I yell throw stuff break things and ive even hurt myself before. I can be perfectly happy one second and then find that my hair brush was moved and be extremely ticked. I have just put off going to the doctor thinking that I'm just simply depressed moving out of state away from my family. I most of the time im worried and I feel like I can't breathe. If I am manic depressive is there any other way to get better other than medication? Or should I just go, I just don't want to be bound to a pill and rely on it for a good day but I don't want to lose my boyfriend (who has been sweet and patient with me)
The Answer
Stop listening to your co-workers opinions. They are likely wrong.
Stop listening to your own opinions about medication. They are just the illness trying to keep you down.
Go talk to your doctor and trust thier opinion.
The BEST treatment out there for most mental illnesses is medication AND therapy.
Medication is one suggestion, and for some people there is no 'better way' then medication. You do not need to be 'bound' to the pills, in fact, being 'bound' to a pill isn't very effective at all. The majority of people only take those drugs for a year or two to get back on track, and then find they have aquired the skills they need to cope without them. That is what the therapy does.
That way the pill is helping your body behave itself, and the therapy is helping you learn how to make your thoughts behave as well.
The same way you can't really loose weight very effectively just by dieting, or just by exercising more... you have to do both, consistantly, to see the results.
Mental health is the same: Medication AND Therapy gets the best results.
Medication is no quick fix. It doesn't make you have a 'good day' and there is no such thing as a (legal) happy pill. It just keeps you from having some of the feelings that make you start to loose control.
Get to the doctor. If you can't do that by yourself, ask your boyfriend to help you get there.
These things do not get better on thier own, they get worse. Deal with it now before you really begin to loose out on life.
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The Question
hi. i am in fact 13/f.
i have such a big bladder problem.
Like i have accidents sometimes.
my mom treats me like such a little kid because of it. She makes me wear pull ups every night!
embarrasing. =|
is there something i can tell her to stop me from having to wear these things.
i swear she thinks i'm like 3.
and i can't ever have a sleepover at my house.
gosh.
The Answer
Okay, you need to separate up your problems.
PROBLEM ONE:
You have a bladder problem. You need to wear protection at night to handle this. That only makes sense!
It IS embarrassing, I’d feel embarrassed too! But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t wear them. I had to wear a head-gear for ages and it was absolutely shameful for me, but I did it, because it made sense to do it. The embarrassment you feel might make you not want to have sleepovers. HOWEVER, it would probably be far more embarrassing to have an accident when someone else was sleeping in the same room don't you think?
So in short, although your situation sucks, it's still the situation you are in and wearing those things at night simply makes sense.
PROBLEM TWO:
Your mother talking about things you rather not and is not being sensitive to your embarrassment.
This is a totally separate problem from the bladder issue, and this one you can deal with in a different way.
"Mom, I know I have wear these, and I will. Can we please stop talking about it!"
"Mom, I am not a baby. I won’t respond to baby talk."
"Mom, please stop the baby talk. It is embarrassing and insulting."
TO SUM UP:
Solve your problem by
1.) Wearing the damn things. It only makes sense that you should. No one has to know but you and your mom. Once you accept them and start working with her, rather then against her, maybe you and her and your doctor can look into some other solutions.
2.) Tell your mom you don't appreciate some of what she has to say and you want your feelings respect and the baby talk to end. Explain to her you feel disrespected.
Remember, when you accept, in a mature way, that wearing those underpants in a rational solution to your problem (and maybe discuss other rational solutions as well) your mother will likely be more sensitive to your feelings. It’s tough for her feel sympathy for you if you are fighting with her over something that makes perfect sense.
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The Question
I've known this girl for almost 2 years. Last July she moved in, right after breaking up with her ex. It is my fault for starting something before she ended the last. She lived here and then went back to him. Did this for about 8 months now. Well, she has been gone for a month and a half with him. She says she knows she needs to move on. She cares for me and sees herself with me eventually. There has never been a time that we stopped calling or seeing each other. I know she cares. She even told me if we moved away it would make things easier letting go of him. Well, I have given her an ultimatum to call me Friday to discuss what we are going to do. As a girl that doesn't like being told what to do, she didn't respond. But, not this weekend she has called several times a day. I told her if we didn't talk Friday night that we were through and I was moving on. Do I take this as though she wants to work something out, or should I move on? I've tried really hard and sacrificed a lot knowing she isn't ready for what I have to offer yet, but I feel she is worth it.
The Answer
A girl who 'doesn't like being told what to do' is one thing.
A girl who willfully ignores your feelings for months, uses you as a safety net and to bolster her own self esteem and then abandons you when you express the fact you are a human being with emotional needs... well, that is another thing all together.
Your girl seems to fall in the latter type.
I doubt she wants to move forward with you on this subject. More likely she wants to move back. She wants to move back to the status quo, and to the way things were before you put your foot down. To where everything was always about her needs and she gets to treat you like dirt because of her 'problems' and how 'stressed out' she is. She wants you to want her again, without her having to DO anything with respect to your wishes to earn that adoration or respect, and without her having to compromise her own wishes. She wants what she had: Both of you. Waiting for her. To support and love her.
Anyways, if you feel compelled (for some unimaginable reason) to give this girl another opportunity, at the very most I suggest you give her another ultimatum: Call me a month after you dump him, then maybe we can talk.
There is nothing else that can come of this (except for prolonging your own misery) until she makes some indication that she is actually willing to move forward in her life, (without depending on you or him) to hold her up.
Stop trying to be the Knight in Shining Armor; you aren't the fairy tale prince. You are human being with needs and goal and wishes. Don't pretend you aren't. Only then will you be able to tell if this girl really likes the human being you are, or if she is just looking for a Knight to play the supporting role in her own private story.
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The Question
Strictly for informational purposes only, I was wondering about this:
On birth control packets it says that it's normal not to have a period one month, but if you still don't start the next month, to take a pregnancy test.
My question is, wouldn't taking birth control that first month hurt the fetus for the next month if you were pregnant?
The Answer
Although there haven't been any really indepth studies that I know of done on this, it is generally believed that continuing to use birth control for the first month or two of pregnancy has no real effect on the baby. The ammount of estrogen and progesterone in the pills is too small to cause signifigant damage.
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The Question
15/f I am okay with having multiple bfs and so when me and my bf started going out I told him how I felt about having more than one person and he said he doesnt agree. I said that even he could have another girlfriend and he said he wouldnt want another girlfriend because he doesnt agree with more than one. Now I dont know what to do. I dont want to break up with him but I want to have other boyfriends to.
The Answer
You are going to have to compromise or break up.
His opinion is just as valid as yours. So, either you will change your mind, or you need to break up. Period.
Nothing else is respectful or rational.
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The Question
Im looking for some good romance novels like the notebook, atonement, or pride and prejudice. if anyone can suggest anythign similar to those. Please none of the quick teen reads by like meg cabot, sarah dessen...ect,ect. i have read all of those adn i am bored, i want something alittle more grown up. Thanks so much!
The Answer
If you liked Pride and Prejudice, read Jane Austens other novel Sense and Sensibilty.
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The Question
Really, let me have it- this is what I'm looking for, rational opinions from all angles. Don't fear offending me please, you did that already lol I can take it. I'm interested to know how you feel knowing some of the things I explained better. Please
The Answer
Please understand, I am not too fearful of offending you. Read through the rest of my advice if you would like and you will see that I do not often fear ruffling a few feathers. I am choosing not too, because I would only be repeating what I had said originally, and that would make me only be offending you for the sake of offending you. I have no new information to add.
You offered extra information and many justifications. They did not change my perspective.
I give advice to be effective: If I have upset you a bit and made you think a bit, I am satisfied and I would absolutely encourage you to seek other rational opinions as well! There are some great other columnists here you can ask your question directly too. Some of my favorites are on my favorite columnist list. I was honest when I said I hope to hear from you in the future it is simply that, at this time, I saw no details in your extra information that drove me to amend or adjust my advice.
The only thing I would like to correct is that I am perfectly aware you made an active choice in this situation and happy to accept he is not a 'bad, bad man'. I know my advice could be interpreted to see him as 'victimizing' you, but I don't believing he would ever see himself as deliberately doing that, and I certainly know that you are willingly accepting all he has offered you. You are not bad people in my mind, you are people making very bad choices.
Also, I might be wrong in thinking you are a bit new here, but questions should not be used to hold conversations. That will get you banned here.
Please phrase things as specific question. If you would rather not, you are welcome to contact me via e-mail instead.
PLEASE SEEKING COUNSELING.
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The Question
16/f
theres this guy. hes my new friend. he likes me though. and i dont feel that way about him anymore. i liked him for a few days, but not anymore. anyways, he asked me out and i told him no because my best friend likes him. but now he keeps texting me every night and calling me and asking me to hang out. hes nice, but hes SO ANNOYING. my other guy friends stopped being friends with him because he is just so freaking annoying. i cant stand it anymore. i mean i guess i can be like that sometimes when i like a guy, but usually he likes me back and he doesnt mind that we talk so much. (not to sound cocky or anything, and i also like make sure the guy like texts me first sometimes and stuff like that, i like it when the guy makes the first move to talk). but anyways i never text this guy first and he is so annoying. im like flattered when he calls me pretty and tells me how much he likes me. but i already told him it cant work out. i didnt really tell him i didnt like him though. i just told him my friend liked him. i dont want to hurt his feelings. what should i do?
The Answer
Hurt his feelings OR just accept the annoyingness.
Remember: leading him on is meaner then telling him flat out that you are intersted.
Be kind, tell him plainly to shove off because you aren't interested. Its the only fair thing to do, and the only solution to your problem.
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The Question
I appreciate your brutal, brutal honesty- you're respponse is the only one that really hit me & challenged me. I would just like to clear a few things up, & still get your opinion. I shortened & edited my story a whole lot for the sake of length- I just wanted to get my basic story out there.
The psychic experiance happened months before he asked me to pose for him. It wasn't him seeing my weakness & taking advantage of it. It's not like I told him about it & the next day he asked me to do that- I have enough common sense to think that would be a little strange, I'm a young, attractive woman who has a lot of experiance with men trying to get in my pants, I'm no fool, trust in that, I can put 2 & 2 together. Yes, I absolutely agree with you in the fact that he should not have told me about his attraction & told me to stop him- innapropriate, I agree. The reason he asked me to pose was to try a new exposure technique for our upcoming season- not just out of nowhere- and I know you probably will say "yeah, sure" but that technique is actually something we offer this year for the first time. I know he wasn't "worried" about it, I'm sure he was worried about how I would react though. I know he was hunting me & I loved it- that's the thing, yes I did take the bait, with no pressure from anyone except myself. The thing is, this man has given me so much- even before an affair was a twinkle in either one of our eyes- he saw something in me- & no one can take that away. Yes he gets to have fun with a young, hot girl in his later days, so what's wrong with that. The poor old guy deserves some fun too! I enjoy giving it to him, I enjoy making him feel as special as he has made me feel. It does wonders for my self esteem as well, you see my fiance had me so brainwashed thinking that I was nothing, not pretty, not intelligent, & no other guy could ever want me. He verbally abuses me to the point of where I feel worthless. Being with this man has made me see that I am all a guy could want-I have never been so confident in my life, I feel beautiful for the first time in a long time. Yeah I know he's been around the block a few more times than me but, his actions do speak of love & so do his words. He has told me he would leave his wife, & that he wants to. I would never want that but he has offered. He has told me numerous times that he has had many affairs over the course of his marriage but it was only ever about sex. The first night he kissed me he did aske me to "go upstairs & get comfortable", but I politely declined & he stopped. He has since told me that if he didn't care so much he would;ve tried harder. He tells me that the other affairs he got over quickly, but with me it's different. He's told me he never wanted to just look at someone for as long as he does with me, he's never wanted to just kiss someone before like he does with me. He tells me it's not just the physicalities, it's my personality, the way I carry & present myself to the world, he see's something special in me & he knew it from the time I started working for him. After the first kiss he did try & pursue me again a few times, every time I refused sex but he continued to express his feelings. He even told me he loved me about 2 weeks later, stating that it was a "different" kind of love, but one that he has never felt before- I asked him to repeat himself because I couldn't believe it. Yes I may be compromising some of my dreams, but my dreams were coming true before this happened- so therefore no one can think I was doing it to further my career because that's the farthest thing from the truth. No one is going to find out- actually if he wasn't married I would be telling everyone if I could, because I love this man & would love to flaunt the love we share to the world. This man is not going to leave me I can assure you that- I may sound cocky, but I'm just confident in that fact-I would bet everything I posess on that. He has not paved the way by saying he feels guilty, he was being honest with a girl he loves- sharing true feelings instead of bottling them up, something I admire & respect. He is helping me damn it! He has helped me see things in myself that I couldn't, he has tried to help me better myself in more than one aspect of my personal & professional life. He tries to better me as an employee and photographer- he also tries to make me love myself as much as he does. He pushes me to work harder so he can pay me accordingly, I come first on his list of available employees for the highest paying jobs, & also am the first one he calls when he's happy or sad about something & vice versa. He knows who I am because I share all of my dreams, fears & aspirations with this man- he tells me I'm too hard on myself, suggesting I lighten up & read things like "The Secret" to make me see that everything I want is within my reach. This man is full of wisdom & love, & I am insulted at how you portray him as the big bad wolf. How is he gambling with my career when he is the final say on everything in this company, he will take care of me & so will his son. Everything else aside I am a good girl with a good personality. I am bubbly, energetic & walk to the tune of a different beat, drawing people to me wherever I go. I love to laugh & everyone in this company sees that & enjoys having me around- at the end of the day I am a good person & people see that. I had an affair, I didn't kill anyone- I'm not perfect & never claimed to be. I'll be such a joke, right? Because no one has ever buckled under the intense emotion that they feel for another human being? I doubt that- remember Bill Clinton? He does not keep me dependant- I do not depend on that man for anything besides the way I feel when I look at him, or hear his voice. I do love him yes, worship? I don't know about that. Please, yes spare me your thoughts on my fiance or his son- the more I respond to your advice the more upset I find myself. I have some warped ideas about what love is? I feel what I feel- I don;t know if you know this- love is not something easily pinned down & defined. Correct yourself- I did not go looking for love- it found me, & I accepted it with open arms & it's turned out to be one of the most beautiful, unforgetable things that has ever happened to me. I'm sorry you have never had such a heart pounding, breath shortening experiance like I have. Regardless of what you say when I'm an old woman I'm going to look back on this & thank god that I did it- thank god that I let go & let fate take it's course, thank god that I let myself feel free & alive like never before.
The Answer
I did write a response to your added details, but then I stopped. By the time I got to the end it was clear to me that I would only be offending you. Let me simply say that none of the details you offered drastically changed my view on your problem. You are still in a vunerable position where you have allowed yourself to be taken advantage of (however kindly, respectfully and enjoyably it was done.)
Everything about this is still very emotionally charged for you, and that is fine and I want to respect that. I do not want to offend you or burst your bubble. You will either live happily ever after, or it will burst all on its own. Nothing I say will change that.
I am glad you read my advice in such detail however, even if you fundamentally disagreed with it.
Please, do seek counseling though. If for no other reason to then to deal with your difficulties with your fiance. You ARE struggling and you ARE avoiding that issue in your questions. Get some guidance so that you can begin to address those issues yourself with confidence and sense.
This status quo of the this affair will not be maintained indefinately. Keep an eye to what your future life might become. Getting counseling will help you take control of that future. Life does not need to be something that just happens to you.
Please know that we are here on advicenators when you are ready to move forward with you difficulties.
I wish you all the best and hope to hear from you again.
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The Question
what are the consequences of frequent ejaculation...when i say frequent i mean like 4 times a week
The Answer
Low stress.
There are no negative side effects of frequent orgasms. Just so long as you aren't hurting yourself, or avoiding responsibilties and obligations just to get off.
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The Question
OK- here's my story:
I am blessed to have the greatest job in the world. My grandfather was an acclaimed prof. photographer- the best man I've ever known. He passed away, that was the worst pain I've ever felt. I salvaged my life (from partying & getting into trouble- I'm now only 21) and decided to follow in his footsteps. I work for an amazing portrait studio, where all of my dreams are coming true. I've worked here for almost 4 years now. It all started when I began taking photography classes that were given by the owner & chief, master photographer & CEO. (This company has 4 seperate locations, it's kind of a big deal, the most prominant & well known studio in the state, can you tell that I feel important to be a part of it much? lol) Well, now that I think about it, it started when I had been here for maybe 2 years. The owner would make little comments here & there, I ate it up though, I loved the attention. He's 62 years old & I admire him in the same respect that I admire my grandfather- there's only two people I hold in that light, him & my grandfather. I called a psychic when I was struggling & the psychic told me that my grandfather wanted me to know that there's someone in my career around the same age as him that is my guiding light, & for me to go to him when I wanted to give up. This was a sign I thought for sure, so I told the owner about it, & he proceeded to tell me how much he cared about me, & he was making it his duty to see me succeed. So now, after photo class one night he calls me into his office. We chat about life for a minute (he decides to tell me how unhappy he is in his marriage, & I proceed to do the same & complain about my engagement- yes- that's the kicker- I'm engaged!) He tells me he wants me to model for him semi-topless, & he tells me he doesn't trust himself because he is extremely attracted to me, & tells me to stop him if he makes me uncomfortable. So I agree (I know, I know, but I've always liked way older men & the thought of turning him on, turned me on I can't lie.) So the next week I go to class knowing what's going on after hours. Everyone leaves, we start the shoot- he makes the move & I took it, hook line & sinker- kissing nothing else. That was a confusing time for me, sorting out exactly how I felt (Is it because I admire & respect him so much? Why am I so turned on by this?) So things snowballed & we both have fallen in love with each other- I can't lie- I am 21 years old, in love with the 62 year old owner of the company! He sees me for who I am, he makes me feel so special & he says things to me that I have been waiting to hear all of my life & he means them. He is a wonderful man who sees the drive in me, & he is pushing me to better myself, & making it his own business to see me succeed. He has told me more than once if I ever wanted it to end he'd be upset but he would never treat me different, he feels selfish because he is so much older than me & knows I deserve better, he just hopes I find someone that treats me better than my fiance. Here's the kicker- I just moved to another one of his studios- the one ran by his son. His son is 32, attractive, charismatic & we get along really well. From the moment I came here I had feelings for him. (I came here before the affair started) When the owner kissed me that's the first thing I thought of, what would his son think? And I've been battling myself as to whether or not I should've told him from the start that I had feelings for his son. I know he see's the chemistry between us, everyone does. His son has a girlfriend but flirts with me nonstop, & the owner has told me he's had dreams that me & his son end up together. He's also said "I hope Jason (his son) finds someone better than his girlfriend, but I hope it's not you." So I know he has some apprehensions about this. Jason & I are also both unhappy in our relationships- & he is realistically someone I could see myself being with, for one he's much closer in age. Like I said, I've had feelings for him before the affair started with his father. Oh here's something really exciting I can't leave out: The owner & I are in his office one day after hours, getting busy if you know what I mean. The doors are locked & we're going at it.....the door downstairs slams! We scramble to put our clothes on- there's a knock at the door- the owner stutters "just a second!" opens the door- it's jason! Unreal right? I'm hoping he won't be suspicious. Of cousre the next time me & him are alone he starts making wise cracks about the door being locked & so on- we always joke inappropriatley with each other so I acted like he was crazy & told him he just wished I was in his office with the door locked lol So....what do I do? Do I tell his father how I feel? Am I crazy for being in this love triangle? I would really love an outsiders opinion on my whole situation here....even my mother is at a loss for words- I mean I can't blame her this is kind of crazy. Please help Thers's so much more I could tell but I think you get the basic idea. Ugh- help please- this is mentally draining!
The Answer
The reason this is mentally draining is that you are being mentally, sexually and emotionally played.
The physic took your mental guard down and prepared you to trust this man completely and not look too closely.
Lets take a close, rational look.
You were open with him about your belief in the prediction. He accepted your faith, but rather then firming up his support to you too succeed as a photographer; he suggests you become his subject.
He asked you to pose semi-nude, flattered you and warned of his lust. Then he made it YOUR job to STOP HIM. It is never your job to stop a superior and elder from doing something they KNOW is not appropriate.
Don't kid yourself. He wasn't *worried* about resisting his attraction to you. He was HUNTING you, and you are right, you took the bait hook, line and sinker.
And here is the sinker: He gets to have fun in the later days of his career with a young thing you adores him and you are sleeping with a married man who is, in your own words, a big-deal in the industry. Your reputation is on the line, when this gets out, you will have committed professional suicide. Your peers will gossip and whisper behind your back. It might be years before anyone takes you seriously.
Is that what your grandfather would have wanted for you? For you to compromise your dreams for a man who can't offer you anything but sex and some kindness (remember, this man has had a lot more practice then guys your age on saying the right things... it's no wonder he makes you feel good, but his actions don't speak of 'love'.) Somehow, I doubt this is this man or situation was sent by someone who loved you.
End it, before he leaves you with nothing but a broken heart and a few steamy memories, at best. Because this older man is going to leave you. He has already paved his escape route with words like "I'm selfish because I'm so much older and you deserve better!" When he breaks your heart, he'll do with a great deal of sympathy and charm. He will claim he is doing it for your own good.
But he isn't really interested in what is good for you. He is gambling with your career by engaging in this affair with you. He isn't helping you out of your poor engagement or helping you function as an independent adult. He is only helping himself too your body. He is only keeping you dependant and worshiping him, in precisely the way he wants you too.
I'm not even going to touch on the subject of his son, or your fiance. Please, just get some counseling. You have some pretty warped ideas about what love is, and where to look for it. Straighten yourself out before you get married, or jump into another affair.
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The Question
I AM on birth control but I have unprotected sex quite often.
My partner has done drugs and smoked many times ,but i do not.
That doesn't put me at risk for anything does it?
The Answer
The risk with unprotected sex is simple: You are sleeping with everyone else he has ever slept with.
If he did stupid things (or people) while high or drunk, you might as well have fooled around with those people too.
You should both do a full STI test, if you haven't already. That is only common sense if you are choosing not to use condoms.
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The Question
Hello all!
I met a wonderful man and have been dating him for quite some time. He is everything I feel women can ask of a man. Among other things he’s sweet, attentive, family oriented and even cooks and cleans (and better than me).
Well, he sat down with me to talk and told me how much he cared for and wanted to be with me and how he liked things to take a step forward. He then gave me keys to his apt, which I didn't accept. He also said that (at that moment) it would be a good time to share with me this bomb shell... Since he knew he wanted to continue seeing me and wants things to get more serious, he felt he should "come clean".
He married an ex-girlfriend of his for papers (naturalization). The process will take about another year or so. He hasn't been with this girl for some time now and she is also, currently dating someone. What do I do? I value marriage so strongly and he is most certainly a very strong candidate for it. I'd marry him in a heartbeat, but I feel so lost. Am I over-reacting for feeling so ANGRY? Do I continue seeing him despite this? Will I forever hold resentment because of this if I choose to go on?
He is so concerned with my thoughts on this, but I honestly don’t know what to think and even less what to do? Any insight will be appreciated.
Thanks!
F/26
The Answer
You need some more time to think and process what he has told you.
What he is doing might have be illegal (deportation could certainly put a damper on your relationship eh?) and also it was clearly agianst your values, but the only one who can decide if this is a dealbreaker or not is you.
I would encourage you to cool the relationship down a bit as you consider it. Write down the questions you have for him about this and expect responses. You don't have to like, or agree with all his responses and values, but you do need to know what they are and find out if you can live with them.
Give this otherwise wonderful man a chance to explain himself and listen very carefully. Only when you have heard what he has said (and not what you simply hope he would say) and are clear on your own wants, can you figure out if this is a sustainable relationship or not.
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The Question
my boyfriend (weve been dating about a month) has TONS of posters of halk naked, playboy girls all around his bedroom. Like, "hot" girls in skimpy bikins and sexual poses. and of course, way more gorgeous and curvy than regular girls. the posters make me so uncomfortable. he also sometimes talks about other hot celebrities and such around me. it somehow makes me feel, like, not good enough. ill never look like one of those girls on his walls and it makes me feel so horrible. what should i do about this?
The Answer
Talk to him about it.
Most guys are not total morons: They know thier girlfriend will never look like a pin up model. The vast majority of them, or totally happy with that (and might actually get really upset if thier girlfriend started to look like one of them. After all, they don't want guys looking at her the way they look at Playboy!)
Talk to him about might help you realize that those pictures have absolutely nothing to do with you. They might as well be another species all togeather. Most healthy guys simply don't contect thier 'pornography' with real women at all.
Asking him not to go on about how attractive other girls are when talking to you is perfectly fair. Of course he gets turned on by other girls... but there is no reason for him to tell you all about it. But his room is his room, if you don't like it, try to stay out of it. By all means let him know how you feel and why you don't want to hang out in a room plastered with half-naked women, but respect his choice to do that in his personal space.
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The Question
Alright.
How can a guy tell if a girl is fake moaning or if its real? I've been wondering this.
The Answer
I'm not a guy myself... but unless they are phsyic I would bet they can't really 'tell', they just make an educated geuss based on past experience.
Perhaps the guy is just insecure, or maybe the girl IS faking, but they can't really be certain. They are only geussing unless she tells them as much.
Don't fake it, by the by. Faking moaning, or orgasms, only teaches your partner how to do thing wrongly and keeps you, and then from getting down to the real fun and pleasure.
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