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just responding to your advice
I appreciate your brutal, brutal honesty- you're respponse is the only one that really hit me & challenged me. I would just like to clear a few things up, & still get your opinion. I shortened & edited my story a whole lot for the sake of length- I just wanted to get my basic story out there.
The psychic experiance happened months before he asked me to pose for him. It wasn't him seeing my weakness & taking advantage of it. It's not like I told him about it & the next day he asked me to do that- I have enough common sense to think that would be a little strange, I'm a young, attractive woman who has a lot of experiance with men trying to get in my pants, I'm no fool, trust in that, I can put 2 & 2 together. Yes, I absolutely agree with you in the fact that he should not have told me about his attraction & told me to stop him- innapropriate, I agree. The reason he asked me to pose was to try a new exposure technique for our upcoming season- not just out of nowhere- and I know you probably will say "yeah, sure" but that technique is actually something we offer this year for the first time. I know he wasn't "worried" about it, I'm sure he was worried about how I would react though. I know he was hunting me & I loved it- that's the thing, yes I did take the bait, with no pressure from anyone except myself. The thing is, this man has given me so much- even before an affair was a twinkle in either one of our eyes- he saw something in me- & no one can take that away. Yes he gets to have fun with a young, hot girl in his later days, so what's wrong with that. The poor old guy deserves some fun too! I enjoy giving it to him, I enjoy making him feel as special as he has made me feel. It does wonders for my self esteem as well, you see my fiance had me so brainwashed thinking that I was nothing, not pretty, not intelligent, & no other guy could ever want me. He verbally abuses me to the point of where I feel worthless. Being with this man has made me see that I am all a guy could want-I have never been so confident in my life, I feel beautiful for the first time in a long time. Yeah I know he's been around the block a few more times than me but, his actions do speak of love & so do his words. He has told me he would leave his wife, & that he wants to. I would never want that but he has offered. He has told me numerous times that he has had many affairs over the course of his marriage but it was only ever about sex. The first night he kissed me he did aske me to "go upstairs & get comfortable", but I politely declined & he stopped. He has since told me that if he didn't care so much he would;ve tried harder. He tells me that the other affairs he got over quickly, but with me it's different. He's told me he never wanted to just look at someone for as long as he does with me, he's never wanted to just kiss someone before like he does with me. He tells me it's not just the physicalities, it's my personality, the way I carry & present myself to the world, he see's something special in me & he knew it from the time I started working for him. After the first kiss he did try & pursue me again a few times, every time I refused sex but he continued to express his feelings. He even told me he loved me about 2 weeks later, stating that it was a "different" kind of love, but one that he has never felt before- I asked him to repeat himself because I couldn't believe it. Yes I may be compromising some of my dreams, but my dreams were coming true before this happened- so therefore no one can think I was doing it to further my career because that's the farthest thing from the truth. No one is going to find out- actually if he wasn't married I would be telling everyone if I could, because I love this man & would love to flaunt the love we share to the world. This man is not going to leave me I can assure you that- I may sound cocky, but I'm just confident in that fact-I would bet everything I posess on that. He has not paved the way by saying he feels guilty, he was being honest with a girl he loves- sharing true feelings instead of bottling them up, something I admire & respect. He is helping me damn it! He has helped me see things in myself that I couldn't, he has tried to help me better myself in more than one aspect of my personal & professional life. He tries to better me as an employee and photographer- he also tries to make me love myself as much as he does. He pushes me to work harder so he can pay me accordingly, I come first on his list of available employees for the highest paying jobs, & also am the first one he calls when he's happy or sad about something & vice versa. He knows who I am because I share all of my dreams, fears & aspirations with this man- he tells me I'm too hard on myself, suggesting I lighten up & read things like "The Secret" to make me see that everything I want is within my reach. This man is full of wisdom & love, & I am insulted at how you portray him as the big bad wolf. How is he gambling with my career when he is the final say on everything in this company, he will take care of me & so will his son. Everything else aside I am a good girl with a good personality. I am bubbly, energetic & walk to the tune of a different beat, drawing people to me wherever I go. I love to laugh & everyone in this company sees that & enjoys having me around- at the end of the day I am a good person & people see that. I had an affair, I didn't kill anyone- I'm not perfect & never claimed to be. I'll be such a joke, right? Because no one has ever buckled under the intense emotion that they feel for another human being? I doubt that- remember Bill Clinton? He does not keep me dependant- I do not depend on that man for anything besides the way I feel when I look at him, or hear his voice. I do love him yes, worship? I don't know about that. Please, yes spare me your thoughts on my fiance or his son- the more I respond to your advice the more upset I find myself. I have some warped ideas about what love is? I feel what I feel- I don;t know if you know this- love is not something easily pinned down & defined. Correct yourself- I did not go looking for love- it found me, & I accepted it with open arms & it's turned out to be one of the most beautiful, unforgetable things that has ever happened to me. I'm sorry you have never had such a heart pounding, breath shortening experiance like I have. Regardless of what you say when I'm an old woman I'm going to look back on this & thank god that I did it- thank god that I let go & let fate take it's course, thank god that I let myself feel free & alive like never before.
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I did write a response to your added details, but then I stopped. By the time I got to the end it was clear to me that I would only be offending you. Let me simply say that none of the details you offered drastically changed my view on your problem. You are still in a vunerable position where you have allowed yourself to be taken advantage of (however kindly, respectfully and enjoyably it was done.)
Everything about this is still very emotionally charged for you, and that is fine and I want to respect that. I do not want to offend you or burst your bubble. You will either live happily ever after, or it will burst all on its own. Nothing I say will change that.
I am glad you read my advice in such detail however, even if you fundamentally disagreed with it.
Please, do seek counseling though. If for no other reason to then to deal with your difficulties with your fiance. You ARE struggling and you ARE avoiding that issue in your questions. Get some guidance so that you can begin to address those issues yourself with confidence and sense.
This status quo of the this affair will not be maintained indefinately. Keep an eye to what your future life might become. Getting counseling will help you take control of that future. Life does not need to be something that just happens to you.
Please know that we are here on advicenators when you are ready to move forward with you difficulties.
I wish you all the best and hope to hear from you again.
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